SUBMISSIVE OWNER’S MANUAL

Authored by Jade Richardson

I need to feel safe. Before I can begin to open my submissive nature to You I need to feel safe and have reason to trust You. To let down my walls and give You control of my will may take time and testing before I feel safe enough to permit either of us to go beyond the initial stages of our relationship. Even after I’ve given myself to You fully, I need to be reminded I am safe with You. I may like to feel the thrill and excitement of fear and the unknown, but I need to be sure no matter how You stimulate those emotions during an intense scene or situation, I will remain safe in Your care.

I need to know You accept me for all I am. I will be many things to You as our relationship grows and I need to know You accept me as a person during each transition along the way. I need to know You accept me as a friend, lover, companion, and Your submissive but also accept me as parent, child, employee, community member or other roles I fill in my obligations to family or society.

I need to have clearly defined limits. I need to know exactly what You expect of me and know that You also understand my limits. In some ways I am like a child that needs a fence around my play area so I know how far I can go and feel secure inside those limits. I need You to reinforce those fences by correcting me when I try to climb them without Your approval.

I need You to be consistent. I need to know You mean what You say and that today’s rules will apply to tomorrow’s behavior. Nothing confuses me more than giving me mixed signals by allowing me to break rules that You’ve given me. From time to time I may test You to see if You are capable of accepting control of my life by consistently bringing me back to the path You’ve chosen for me. It’s not done to try Your patience but is my way of finding reassurance You are paying attention to my progress. Very often it’s not done consciously and I promise I’ll not use it as a method for provoking Your negative responses.

I need to expand my limits. I need to grow and to be challenged. Left on my own, I’ll become bored or stagnate within the boundaries I accepted in the beginning. I need to be pushed, but never shoved, to go beyond the places I’ve been. I may drag my feet and pout at times, or sit down and refuse to move because I’m unsure and need Your guidance in overcoming my obstacles. I depend on You for strength and encouragement to get beyond them.

I need You to teach me. I need to learn and it is You who are my teacher. My mind is hungry for new things and learning helps me to become all that I can be. This may require You to continue to learn new things in order to keep me challenged. Together we can grow to the fullness of the gifts we have and deepen the diversity we share.

I need goals. Part of my make-up as a submissive makes me very goal-oriented. I need them to measure my progress and need You to provide them for me. Take time to explain those goals in ways I can comprehend Your plans concerning my growth as Your submissive. Without Your direction I quickly become lost so I’ll look to You frequently to provide a purpose and aim as I continue in my development as a submissive.

I need to be corrected. I need You to correct me when I make mistakes. Without Your correction I will develop bad habits that can be very difficult to break and do great damage to our relationship and to us as individuals. Without Your correction, I may never know I’ve made a mistake. Allowing me to continue unchecked will only cause me to fail both of us in the end. I admire firmness in Your correction and feel secure in knowing that You will never be afraid to take steps needed in keeping me focused on the goals You’ve set for me.

I need You to be my role-model. I look up to You and try to follow in Your footsteps. If You fail to live up to a standard, I will follow You into failure, often without You noticing until it is too late. I learn quickly by the examples You provide for me and often base my reactions and behaviors on my observations of You in similar situations. I will blindly pattern myself in Your image so be aware that my eyes will always be on You as face Your own challenges and daily activities.

I need Your approval and reassurance. I need to know when You approve of me or what I’ve done and to know I belong to You even if I fall short of my goals. I sometimes confuse approval with disapproval when You do not provide positive reinforcement when You are pleased by my actions. I will constantly be seeking Your approval when I’m unsure of myself and may need to rely deeply on Your support and reassurance when I’m confused about a situation or apprehensive about a new challenge.

I need to be able to express myself. I have a need to express both good and bad things to You but it may be difficult for me to put the negative things into words. I fear Your rejection and hate disappointing You, so I may need a little space and time to voice all the things I need to say. You can help me by reassuring me that my feelings are valid, even if they aren’t something You find pleasure in hearing. There may be times when I’m upset or angry with You but without freedom to express those feelings there can be only festering resentment or misunderstanding. Guide me in ways that I can learn to speak my heart without breaking it or Yours.

I need to learn from my mistakes. I need to experience things that may be painful in order to learn successfully. I know Your protective nature will struggle with allowing me to be hurt but I need to learn the consequences of what I’ve done and to experience the feelings that go along with making mistakes. I will need Your comfort once I’ve faced my failure but will sometimes feel unworthy of asking or unable to voice my disappointment in failing. Allow me to sort out my feelings before wiping away my tears.

I need forgiveness when I fail You. Nothing hurts me more than to know I’ve failed or displeased You and I need to be forgiven once I’ve made amends. It is very hard for me to forgive myself for a wrong-doing and I may need Your help in getting beyond the feelings of remorse I am carrying. I may even need to be punished, if my wrong-doing was traumatic enough, in order to feel closure and accept forgiveness. I depend on You to make that determination for me and need Your help in making an atonement that is acceptable to You.

I need to feel I contribute. I have a deep-set need to give and must have outlets for this need. My basic nature is to give of myself and You will be the primary recipient of my gifts. Allow me to contribute to our relationship and our life together. To do less will leave me unfulfilled and unneeded, a fate worse than death for me. Provide me with ways to contribute things to others, also. I may need to give of myself to those I hold dear but You will always receive the best I have to offer.

I need to enjoy successes. Without experiencing and enjoying my successes I may give up my fight to be all You desire for me. Allow me the pleasure of savoring the taste of victory when I overcome an obstacle or if You find pride in my attempts. All of my successes belong to You and I need to share their rewards with You. I don’t expect You to spoil me with grand displays for little victories, but when I’ve reached beyond the limits of my past attempts, please don’t deny me the sweet feelings of knowing I’ve achieved a goal You’ve set.

I need to share with You. Sharing with You is a compelling need and one of the cornerstones of my submissive nature. This includes the emotional and spiritual aspects of my being as well as the physical body I inhabit. It may be difficult for me to give You access to the deeper levels of my emotions and feelings but those are the things I need to share the most. I’ll depend on You to direct me in ways I can achieve total openness with You. I also need to share in the things You are. Trust me enough to share in Your fears, failures and struggles. I’ll never see You as weak or incapable because You have shown confidence in me by giving part of Yourself in trust.

I need to feel loved, respected, and protected in Your ownership. No matter how well I’ve done or how miserably I’ve failed, I need to know I’m still loved and protected by You. Nothing will prevent me from trying new things like fear of losing Your respect and love. By the reverse, nothing will encourage me to expand my limits and grow to be all I am capable of being more than knowing You will be there to protect me from harm and will love me even if I fall short of the target. I need to be loved and to love You in return. I can’t survive without it.

Reflected In You by Sylvia Day. a must read for Doms and subs

~FANTASY~

i pull into the parking lot and scan aimlessly for your face amongst empty cars, hoping ill find you before you find me. subconsciously i know it is no use, your in control, ill find you when you want to be found. i find a spot semi secluded and park. checking my appearance in my mirror one last time i send you a quick text "im here, im by my car". i nervously get out and turn to make sure my door is locked. before i can turn around i feel you. your jacket is open and my body has landed against your warmth. a hand snakes around my waist as the other moves my hair away from my neck.

i close my eyes and try to keep myself from melting into you. "MY little girl.." the words graze that sensual spot between my neck and ear in one warm breath. i feel your hand steady me instinctivly as my knees slightly give beneth me. You must have known i closed my eyes because as quickly as the words touched my skin, you turned me around and my nose was grazing your tshirt. oh you smell so good. its not helping settle the growing wetness one bit but you know i need it. you hands move from my waist to my neck, cradling either side in a firm grip, thumbs tracing the corners of my jaw in tiny circles. i cant help but open my mouth as i am in need of a kiss, but you have a better plan. you take my hands and place them inside your jacket, letting me feel how warm and sexy your body is. you squeeze my shoulders feeling the nervousness evaporate. i slowly draw circles on your lower back with my fingers over your shirt. "i dont have much time babygirl". i smile at the thought that you are here just for me, and then it begins. the slow decent into my orgasm. your left hand firmly squeezes my ass and your right hand draws a line starting from the crook of my neck to right up underneath my chin. softly you press upward and i smile trying to keep my body from twitching like you always cause me to do as i raise my chin.

you move your hand to the back of my neck sensually and dive into my hair, gathering a handfull and tightening the grip. my mouth opens again, silently begging you to fullfill my need. i am so close to orgasm i am sure there is a visible wet spot. you lean down and trace my lip with your tongue. i shiver as i feel the tingles building and try to lean away. "ah ah ah little girl, you better stay put for daddy" i moan softly and you know i am right on the edge. once more you trace my lip with your tongue, you feel my leg twitch against you, and you smile to yourself knowing i am ready to burst any moment. you know your timing must be perfect for your plan to succeed. you lean in, letting me feel your warm soft breaths on my neck making me wonder if your going to kiss me there, they slowly trail up to hover my mouth, i cant tell whos breathing, i feel like youve stolen mine. you kiss me, deep, tongue sweeping over mine briefly and i hit my peak, shivers of orgasm over take me. you know its time, you pull away from my lips causing a whimper to escape me, sweeping my hair out of the way quickly you bite down on the curve of my neck. sweeping a hand over my mouth to muffle the moans of my intensified orgasm you stay clenched down on that spot until the shivers of my orgasm subside. then slowly you withdraw giving a tender peck on the growing redness. "feel better sweetie?" i smile and nod, unable to speak.

you hug me closely, then pull away adjusting a few locks of hair over the bite mark and smile. "you better continue to be a good girl now that youve been marked by me". i smile and nod again but biting my lip this time savoring the moment. you kiss me quickly once on the lips and then the cheek. i walk to my car and you go to yours to part ways. once home i lay in bed and rub my still wet pussy and replay the moment until i orgasm 2 more times. oh how wonderful of a tease you are daddy, and i know when i finally get to feel your strong big cock in my holes, i wont know what to do with myself after :P so to speak.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YnKPpNArrdg&feature=g-hist

 since many have asked about the video ive mentioned... here it is.. as for what i like.. his strong voice, but he has short moments of his sweet normal voice which is very sexy.. he counts down in double time :) which would be hard to do as a sub :P but id like the challenge. plus that vein on the side of his neck.. id bite it lol. totally scrumptious.

so watched a video online since i was bored. turns out i have a new fantasy of a Dom who has a background of Marine Drill Ins. lol im so odd

its funny that most people say time heals all things.. yet it seems that the more time that passes the harder it becomes to breath. i find myself having to remind myself to breath more and more. i admit ive let myself go since your death. to the unattained eye i look the part of a healthy happy and as so many would say "strong" girl. yet i know you'd scold me. i can almost feel your look of dominance leering over me through out the day as if to say "quit this bullshit and cheer the fuck up". I try. i honestly spend most of my day trying to talk myself out of this hurt. i succeeded momentarily two weeks ago. I was sitting at the table, curling my hair, i looked at myself, not as i usually do. it was odd. it was as if for a moment i felt you sitting next to me, im seeing myself through your eyes, i almost hear you whispering in my ear "look at you, just look at those beautiful eyes, and that amazing smile" i involuntarily smile, not a fake one, but a real one out of no where. i feel it through out my whole body. and just as fast as it came its gone. i am back to struggling to breath. Ive had those random smiles a few times over the weeks. i try to hold on to those moments but they leave before i can hold on to them strong enough to last me the rest of my life. i miss you. if im completly honest with myself, if i was physically strong enough id drink myself to your side. heaven and you know ive already tried. even more so, that night i bled, i was on my way to your side. that is why i wasnt afraid. i need you that bad. i knew you were angry at me for feeling that way. you never thought much of yourself. never understood the roots of my attraction, but i saw everything you didnt. just as you saw everything in me that i dont see. i miss that most. you were true. my friend, lover, Dom. I don't think you ever watched Twilight New Moon. Bella sees Edward when she is in extreme moments. She craves them because she needs to be close to him and she knows no other way. I relate. Although we both know i am not one to jump off a cliff, so i just listen to songs 24/7 that make me feel close to you. My couselor for my DUI classes says its good that i feel my feelings.. i dont think she knows these feelings haha. I think im going to take her the lyrics to "Jack Daniels and Jesus". I feel silly that i am sitting here writting. I know your gone and never coming back. I have accepted that. I have even started trying to move forward. What i can't accept is that i am never going to have the happiness that i had with you again. That is what fuels all this horrible bullshit. i dont want to let it go. the scraps of memories that ive had a death grip on, yet they are the spark to my gasoline. and now the lyrics are in the background "i can love with you all my heart but the hardest part is i just cant love you back".. truth. ive decided to come see you this year on your bday. i will probably come alone since no one knows the depth of my hurt, and i dont want to freak anyone out when i cry HAHAHA. i know you understand what i mean. well i feel drained now. gotta do homework in two hours, im only in school still because i dont want you sending a lightning strike my way to kick my ass. i guess i will 'talk' more later. as long as this journal entry doesnt get me reported as a psycho of course lmao.

i guess im pulling  a C. Bradshaw tonight lmao

~To: John Adams From: Abigail Adams 12/23/1782~

My Dearest Friend,

…should I draw you the picture of my Heart, it would be what I hope you still would Love; tho it contained nothing new; the early possession you obtained there; and the absolute power you have ever maintained over it; leaves not the smallest space unoccupied. I look back to the early days of our acquaintance; and Friendship, as to the days of Love and Innocence; and with an indescribable pleasure I have seen near a score of years roll over our Heads, with an affection heightened and improved by time -- nor have the dreary years of absence in the smallest degree effaced from my mind the Image of the dear untitled man to whom I gave my Heart...

~To: Clementine Churchill From: Winston Churchill 01/23/1935~

My darling Clemmie,

… you wrote some words very dear to me, about my having enriched your life. I cannot tell you what pleasure this gave me, because I always feel so overwhelmingly in your debt, if there can be accounts in love... What it has been to me to live all these years in your heart and companionship no phrases can convey.

Time passes swiftly, but is it not joyous to see how great and growing is the treasure we have gathered together, amid the storms and stresses of so many eventful and, to millions, tragic and terrible years?…

With tender love from your devoted,

W.

~To: Fanny Brawne From: John Keats 03/1820~

Sweetest Fanny,

You fear, sometimes, I do not love you so much as you wish? My dear Girl I love you ever and ever and without reserve. The more I have known you the more have I lov'd. In every way - even my jealousies have been agonies of Love, in the hottest fit I ever had I would have died for you. I have vex'd you too much. But for Love! Can I help it? You are always new. The last of your kisses was ever the sweetest; the last smile the brightest; the last movement the gracefullest. When you pass'd my window home yesterday, I was fill'd with as much admiration as if I had then seen you for the first time. You uttered a half complaint once that I only lov'd your Beauty. Have I nothing else then to love in you but that? Do not I see a heart naturally furnish'd with wings imprison itself with me? No ill prospect has been able to turn your thoughts a moment from me. This perhaps should be as much a subject of sorrow as joy - but I will not talk of that. Even if you did not love me I could not help an entire devotion to you: how much more deeply then must I feel for you knowing you love me. My Mind has been the most discontented and restless one that ever was put into a body too small for it. I never felt my Mind repose upon anything with complete and undistracted enjoyment - upon no person but you. When you are in the room my thoughts never fly out of window: you always concentrate my whole senses. The anxiety shown about our Love in your last note is an immense pleasure to me; however you must not suffer such speculations to molest you any more: not will I any more believe you can have the least pique against me. Brown is gone out -- but here is Mrs Wylie -- when she is gone I shall be awake for you. -- Remembrances to your Mother.

Your affectionate, J. Keats

~To: Charlotte von Stein Goethe From: Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 06/17/1784~

My letters will have shown you how lovely I am. I don't dine at Court, I see few people, and take my walks alone, and at every beautiful spot I wish you were there.

I can't help loving you more than is good for me; I shall feel all the happier when I see you again. I am always conscious of my nearness to you, your presence never leaves me. In you I have a measure for every woman, for everyone; in your love a measure for all that is to be. Not in the sense that the rest of the world seems obscure tome, on the contrary, your love makes it clear; I see quite clearly what men are like and what they plan, wish, do and enjoy; I don't grudge them what they have, and comparing is a secret joy to me, possessing as I do such an imperishable treasure.

You in your household must feel as I often do in my affairs; we often don't notice objects simply because we don't choose to look at them, but things acquire an interest as soon as we see clearly the way they are related to each other. For we always like to join in, and the good man takes pleasure in arranging, putting in order and furthering the right and its peaceful rule. Adieu, you whom I love a thousand times.

~To: Sarah Ballou From: Sullivan Ballou 7/14/1861~

My very dear Sarah:
The indications are very strong that we shall move in a few days—perhaps tomorrow. Lest I should not be able to write again, I feel impelled to write a few lines that may fall under your eye when I shall be no more . . .

I have no misgivings about, or lack of confidence in the cause in which I am engaged, and my courage does not halt or falter. I know how strongly American Civilization now leans on the triumph of the Government and how great a debt we owe to those who went before us through the blood and sufferings of the Revolution. And I am willing—perfectly willing—to lay down all my joys in this life, to help maintain this Government, and to pay that debt . . .

Sarah my love for you is deathless, it seems to bind me with mighty cables that nothing but Omnipotence could break; and yet my love of Country comes over me like a strong wind and bears me unresistibly on with all these chains to the battle field.

The memories of the blissful moments I have spent with you come creeping over me, and I feel most gratified to God and to you that I have enjoyed them for so long. And hard it is for me to give them up and burn to ashes the hopes of future years, when, God willing, we might still have lived and loved together, and seen our sons grown up to honorable manhood, around us. I have, I know, but few and small claims upon Divine Providence, but something whispers to me—perhaps it is the wafted prayer of my little Edgar, that I shall return to my loved ones unharmed. If I do not my dear Sarah, never forget how much I love you, and when my last breath escapes me on the battle field, it will whisper your name. Forgive my many faults and the many pains I have caused you. How thoughtless and foolish I have often times been! How gladly would I wash out with my tears every little spot upon your happiness . . .

But, O Sarah! If the dead can come back to this earth and flit unseen around those they loved, I shall always be near you; in the gladdest days and in the darkest nights . . . always, always, and if there be a soft breeze upon your cheek, it shall be my breath, as the cool air fans your throbbing temple, it shall be my spirit passing by. Sarah do not mourn me dead; think I am gone and wait for thee, for we shall meet again . . .

You are working very hard today. I haven't been any help at all except in the area of distracting you. I know you allowed me to have an orgasm this morning, and i am thankful, but i need more. So i am going to just put all my thoughts out so i do not end up playing with myself.

It's been torture, the sweetest most erotic torture. Unable to touch myself and subside the ever growing urge to fill myself with whatever i can get my hands on, and just pretend it is you. Even more torturous is how i crave the game it has sparked between us. You use those words, those ever powerful words that take me from 0 to 100 in less than a second. You know how close they get me to release, how they have the ability to make me tremble and twitch with arousal. This alone proves to you moment after moment that your control is growing over me, and more importantly that i am wanting it. I try so very hard to find outlets. Photos, movies, stories, but i know that you have created this craving and you are the only one who holds the power to fullfill it. All i can do is wait. So i have started to fantasize.

I am laying in my bed sound asleep. You told me you would arrive sometime this weekend but never told me exactly when. Another torturous way you use your sweet sexy control because you know i will not pry. I lay there in mid dream about some far off moment in time when you come to my bed to give me the pleasure i have been denied. Only this time i awake slowly, whimpering not wanting the dream to end, to find it is just beginning.

you have stripped and laid your strong warm body against mine. as i wake i feel your kisses on my shoulder, your hard prick softly massaging against my ass. my breath stops, realizing this is real. you laugh quietly "babygirl enjoy this moment because it will be gone before you know it". with that you hand trails up to my hard nipple, you tug on it as if to tell me to turn toward you. i lean over and am met with a deep kiss as you pull me hard against you. my leg instinctivly wraps around your waist and you grab my wrist to pin above me. i whimper knowing you are teasing me still, and i have had enough teasing. i push my hips toward you and growl "fuck me" almost in a rude way, but you know my intentions are of pure animalistic lust and you just chuckle. i push them toward you again but instead i whimper like a little kitten. you seem to enjoy this as i should have known. leaning down you kiss and nip at my neck, then very roughly grab my ass cheek before whispering in my ear "beg properly A".

Oh how love when you use my name. So commanding but sensual. I close my eyes and let the words slip out "I need you to fuck me, use me like your dirty filthy cum loving slut, use every hole until every inch of my insides is full of your seed." i can tell this pleases you as you practically nose dive into my pussy. pinning my legs down with your strong arms you lick softly for a moment then devour me. sucking and nibbling on my clit making me scratch at the sheets. licking the length of my wet slit and then a bit lower to my asshole. oh how tingly you make my stomach when you lick me there. you flip me to my stomach and raise my ass in the air. eating my pussy and ass doggystyle, i almost orgasm. i moan and you instinctvly slap my ass "not yet slut" i whimper as i feel you alternating between licking my ass and fingering my pussy, then fingering my ass and licking my pussy. i try to push back on you,, i need more. your lean up behind me,, grab my hips so hard i know ill have small bruises from your fingers. "do you want this?" your hard cock rubbing up and down my ass and pussy. i moan loud and nod. you continue rubbing waiting for a verbal answer. i almost scream "fuck me"

you waste no time you thrust balls deep into my pussy and two fingers in my ass. i bury my head in the pillow and half moan half scream from the pleasure. Grabbing my hair you thrust deep and hard, i feel every throbbing inch of you. You take your thumbs and hook them in my ass stretching me a bit. i know you are about to assault my ass in the best way. you pull out of my pussy and a whine escapes me unintentionally. "i know babygirl, you need this ass fucked and filled" you ram every inch into me and i am in heaven. my skin is on fire. your attack is merciless erotic and animalistic, i know your feeling every part of me and i feel you throb. with one hand a deathgrip on my hip and one in my hair you push so deep into me i almost fall forward, and you blow your hot cum into me just as deep. i throw my head into the pillow and yell "oh fuuuck yess!!" you slowly withdraw and admire, my holes well used, pink and wet.

you stand and rustle through a drawer pulling out the camera "be a good girl now and do what you know you want to" you speak in such a seductive tone. I know how slutty and dirty i look, used and abused, and i am about to reach pornstar slutty. i smile to myself, knowing i am about to do the dirtiest thing i ever have, and you love it. I lean forward wiggling my ass for the camera, i play with my wet pussy for a moment and then softly start pushing your hot cum out of its safe spot in my ass. i can feel its gooey silkiness dripping down my pussy lips covering the edges of my fingers and dripping to the bed. i moan softly knowing how dirty i look. as the last bit dribbles out i turn on to my tummy and look into the camera as i lick my fingers clean and then the bed clean. not wanting to waste a drop of that special taste.  soon after you get a call and i know it is the end of our moment. i am satisfied, but i know satisfaction may only last a short time. luckily i have the video ;) i kiss your cheek and you head home. a half hour later i send you a text "i hope i did ok.

the end :)

**also originally posted on FL** enjoy :)

The Cowboy

D and I had been together only a short time, about 2 months. We had met on an online dating site and suprisingly got along great. The let down came when i realized that he had an array of emotional conflicts, and try as i might he wasnt going to be the fire blooded Dom i needed. My family loved him, my heart cared for him but i sensed i needed more. August came around and that is when things changed. I was trying to intoduce him to my dark desires. Wearing more revealing clothing, buying spanking implements to play with, dildos, and rope. All in hopes to turn him Dom.

This night was special. We were celebrating his roomates birthday with a group of his friends, most of whom i had only met once or twice. I was dressed as sexy as I could get with a black cocktail dress, black ankle boots, and the necklace that we had picked out to wear as my "public collar". I felt sexy when i looked at myself, but when a few other females showed up and his attention strayed, the feeling diminished.

Now i have never been the type to be outgoing, i have been described as having silent confidence, whatever that means. Nonetheless i start to have anxiety when i am in groups of people. This night was no exception. As we all started drinking i struggled to keep my anxiety at bay. Knowing tonight would be difficult since we were headed to a busy bar, i pre gamed a bit more than i should have. I was feeling flirty.

As our group of about 6 people were on our way out the door, i heard a few people greeting someone and a new voice enter the mix. That is when i got my first look at Cowboy. He was 6'1 lanky and tan, dressed in tight jeans, black button down dress shirt, and the best part of all.. cowboy boots and a camo cowboy hat. I knew i was staring but i didnt care. the clicks of his boots on cement were music to my ears as he strode over and introduced himself "Hi I'm Cowboy". I shook his hand and made small talk, to this day i cant remember what about. I was too concentrated on his soft green eyes that were making me want to melt, and the smile that was telling me he knew exactly what he was doing. It wouldnt be until later that I would find out just how in control he was.

We finally all headed to the bar, and the night got crazy. At some point in the night my anxiety kicked in, I told D I was getting upset. His solution to the problem was a simple "Just drink more". Now one thing about my personality is that my submissive side takes the forefront when i drink, so i took his suggestion as more of a command. Other than a few random moments I do not recall anything specific from that night after I took his suggestion because i blacked out.

Over the next 4 months I continued to try to teach D about BDSM and my interests in D/s. However, my efforts slowly diminished and my interest of what lay behind Cowboy's inviting exterior increased in silence. I would see Cowboy every now and again at social get togethers and he was always flashing me the "i know what your thinking" smile, but I never told a soul about my growing lust.

Around December, D and I ended things. The blame was put on me and I was okay with it. Even though I was sad to lose someone i did care for, I felt liberated from trying to force things to work. All the friends I had gained stopped talking to me, but the lovely Facebook kept me informed of what everyone was up to.

March rolled around and I decided to send out invites to a campfire for my birthday in April. Hesitantly I invited Cowboy. I was nervous about what can of worms i had just opened by doing so. Two days later we exchanged numbers so he could RSVP. I was filled with the excitement of a junior high girl who just found out her crush knew she exisisted.

"come hang out" was the text I recieved on a Sunday night a week later. I thought my chest would explode my heart was pounding so fast. I took a quick hot shower, all the while thinking about the water being replaced by his hands as it glided over my skin. As i drove to Frickers where we were to meet I had to remind myself every few seconds to play it cool. Once there i sat beside him and waited a few awkward minutes where he paid no attention to me. All the while taking in his facial expressions, his features, his mannerisms. Then in one swift movement he stood, like a sky scraper by my 5'2 frame "lets go out to the patio". I smiled and silently followed. Once outside we chatted about trucks, and his our up bringings. I relaxed quickly and my smart ass ness came out to play, which he enjoyed as i saw the fire behind his eyes grow with each jab i threw. After about 3 hours of talking and laughing he once again stood confidently, "lets go".

Simple words to a vanilla gal, but to me it set a blaze on my skin. We got to my car and as we pulled away our mutual smart ass jabs continued. "Where to?" i questioned him more eagerly than i wanted to sound. He laughed at me with his eyes more than his voice, as he guided me to his place. Once inside i quickly slid into the comforts of the couch, he soon followed. After about two minutes he made his move, trailing his fingers over my hand. It took all i had in me to keep track of the conversation and not lose my self in the sensual touch. "I have to do this before I forget" he spoke sternly and turned away to plug in his phone. With slight sarcasm i responded "yea your phone dying would not b-", with one swift turn his lips were entwined with mine, just as his hands were entwined in my hair.

I broke, I had an orgasm at that exact moment that overtook my whole body. I was praying i wouldnt leave a wet spot on his couch. He pulled me up to straddle him and as i did i heard the most animalistic groan i will ever hear. I could have almost had another orgasm. We stayed like that for awhile just kissing, me teasing his lips making him crave my kisses. Then in true Cowboy fashion he took my hand and led me to the one place i craved and feared. He layed me down, stripped and then sweetly started to undress me. I stopped him as he got to my jeans and gave him the 'you gotta earn that' look.

He layed down between my legs and slowly and methodically seduced me, touching me softly, kissing me firmly, growling in my ear. Then he did something I didnt expect, he rolled away and layed next to me. "don't take this as a threat, but i know i have the power make you do what i want you to, but i am trying to be respectful of you so i wont do anything you dont want". I was stunned. Either this was a ploy to wrap me around his finger, or he was a true blue gentlman. I knew there was only one way to find out, and it would be the first battle i ever lost. So i said the one thing that a girl should never say to a Dom she isnt sure about, "i dont take that as a threat Cowboy, I've known since the first day we met you were Dominant. Im submissive so i know i can handle you".

With that he stood up grabbed my pants by the ankles and ripped them off in one swoop. Roughly grabbed my thighs and pinned them down, and started eating my wet pussy like it was his last supper. I wiggled as hard as i could to get away from the assault he was causing, i was not used to such intensity down there. That just added to his furiosity, he pinned my thighs with his elbows and my wrists with his hands. I was helpless and about to explode. He looked up at me quickly "i cant live without eating pussy". that sent me over the edge i had my second orgasm for the night.

As i was recovering he snaked up between my thighs and slowly rubbed his dick against my wet and craving pussy. i just moaned at him as he teased me, he was watching me, my reactions. I couldnt handle any more, i grabbed him and slid him in. With that he went to town filling me on every thrust. alternating between pinning my hands down and choking me softly. I was in heaven. He was hitting every spot perfectly. There was no need for me to hint at what i wanted, he just knew, and he was good at what he was doing. Finally after about 2 hours and 4 positions, he had me on my stomach thrusting really slow with his body weight laying on top of me and my hands pinned down by his. He growled soft and deep in my ear and sank his teeth into the sweet spot between my neck and collar bone. I felt his cock stiffen harder than i thought it could, and in that momet we both came with such fire that we sounded like animals. He kissed me softly and rolled off to the side, I recovered moments later with a smile big enough to be seen from Neptune. As i sat up to get dressed he grabbed my arm, "Don't" he softly commanded. Then pulling me into his warm body we talked to each other as we drifted to sleep.

** i originally posted this on FL, but figured it might do some good here also**

ok so i am going to write this, i dont know if it will come out in story form, but it needs to be written about. not for anyone in particular, just for me. call it cathartic writing. ive been up all night, and having you guys as new friends has caused me to look at my position on submission and D/s relationships.

The Past The Present and The Future

I don't know what triggered it. my childhood was decent. nothing that would have pushed me onto the path of submission THAT early. all i can remember from that early is playing with barbies and always making ken pin barbie down as he touched her all over. then running to the bathroom because i had soaked my undies for some reason.

it wasnt until i was about 11 that i started noticing behaviors between my parents that made me question the relationship a man and a woman were supposed to have. my mom and dad fought. a lot. at the time i didnt know over what. all i knew is that the fights ended with my mom always saying whatever the problem was, was her fault. this at some point became something ingrained in my mind as "if the man is unhappy, it is the womans fault".

as an escape to the pent up emotions i was feeling, mostly the feeling of being unwanted due to lack of attention i started looking at porn. idk why this was the outlet i turned to but i did. all i knew is that looking at porn gave me a sense of understanding in some strange way. i would look at the girls, they were so beautiful, thier bodies flawless and the men always seemed pleased by them. being a young naive girl, i started believing i had to be as pretty and flawless as those girls in order to be wanted.

when i was 13 i think anger was triggered at some point. my normal porn turned into porn about girls getting punished. i dont know why i wanted to see that but i did. when i looked at those images of girls getting OTK spankings i instantly felt a sense of peace. relaxation. soon that wasnt enough. i was looking for severe punishment. and that is how i came across BDSM. at first the porn was a little shocking. but i found a secondary outlet. literotica. the storys dove me head first into my fantasy land. where i could imagine things as intense or innocent as i wanted. as i read the stories i learned slowly about the gift of submission. and the gift of domination. i realized within myself that i wanted to be flawless to a man, i wanted him to love, appreciate, and be happy with every aspect of me and if i wasnt good at something, i wanted a man to teach me to be good. i wanted to make sure he was pleased at all times. never unhappy with me. the more i read the more the need grew in me. yet i couldnt help but wonder if that could really happen for me. i saw so many things wrong with my body that werent easy fixes.

one day i was looking for a pen in my moms purse, i opened a side pocket, and i found a leather bracelet with the word "SLAVE" on it in metal lettering. i was so confused. then i thought "BDSM" so i started looking up opinions and definitions related. that is when i realized there was a difference in being a submissive and a slave. i knew i was a submissive at that moment. my curiosity had gotten the best of me. i wanted to know more about what else this bracelet accompanied. so i snooped. after 5 minutes i found what i was looking for. my gut had been right. my parents did have a BDSM related relationship. I had found the list of rules in my dads handwriting, for my mom. It all made sense now. why she had always accepted blame, why she would freak out if the house was messy, why she always told us not to bother dad with questions.

It was then that i decided that it must just be in the female genetics of our family to be submissive. It felt right to me to want to be good for a man. It made me happy to think that one day i could be perfect in someones eyes. That is where my journey to find a Dom began. At the age of 15 i was smart, yet oh so stupid. I knew i wasnt going to have the sexual part of the Dom sub relationship, but i needed to feel something, somehow know if i was finding the right man or not. I plumeted into a world of cyber D/s. chatting with older men, learning things about sex and what men could desire of me very quickly. I was also learning that cyber D/s was a game to a majority of men. Which pissed me off. I wanted this for real. It wasnt a game to me.

Finally at the age of 17, a junior in highschool, i met my first boyfriend. our relationship was normal. Until i made a fatal mistake that i will always regret. We had been dating for 4 months. He had been nice and respectful, and i was ready to "go there" with him. He was hesitant, even at one point locking himself in the bathroom because i was teasing him too much and he wanted to have self control. I remember feeling anger. I wanted him to WANT me to DESIRE me. not run from me. i wanted to know i could please him. in every way. He did fuck me that night, and for two weeks everything was normal, but i was bored. Sex wasnt fun and erotic like the stories i read. There was no biting, hair pulling, scratching, spanking, or anything. just him on top of me.

I decided to ask him if he had ever heard of domination. He hadnt. I told him i wanted him to dominate me. Pin me down. Be rough. He tried and it was a fail the first time. Over the next few months he became slightly better at it. He could actually pull my hair decently, but our relationship had changed. He had become mean.

He would ignore me after our intimacy, suddenly everything i wore made me look like a slut unless it was a baggy tshirt, if i wore makeup he thought i was going to flirt with another guy, he put me on a schedule, i had from 3pm to 4pm to do homework then from 430 to 9 i had to spend with him everyday, and then on the weekends i spent from 5pm friday til 9pm sunday with him. if i wanted family time he said i was neglecting his needs. i felt so quilty when he'd say that. it made me feel like a failure. If i didnt answer my phone when he texted or called he would tell me i was cheating. I felt so boxed in. I wanted to make him happy, but everything i did seemed to make him mad. Soon i was never around my friends or family, I was only eating when i was with him when he told me i could, i was keeping silent every time he yelled. I wasnt ready for what came next.

We were at the library, part of our weekly routine. As we were leaving my phone rang, it was my mom. I answered it, he told me to hang up, i didnt. He came at me like a tiger, had me backed up against the brick wall, "hang up the fucking phone you stupid bitch". he had never called me a bitch before. it stung. i went to tell my mom i had to hang up but the line was already dead. 15 seconds later her car squeals into the parking lot and just as fast as he came at me, she went toward him. he was backed against the brick wall, fear creeping into his eyes. "amanda get in the car" my mom said with the most cold voice i had heard her use. I dont know what she told him that day, all i know is that he looked fearful. I was scared. Scared of him, scared of what he would do when we were alone next. Fear of what i had done wrong to cause such a bad situation

I stood up for him that night as my parents yelled and lectured me. I took the blame. The next time i saw him we fought again, we fought every day. I had more tears than smiles. my actions became robotic. Then it changed.

We were fighting, a normal petty fight i was used to by then. I was just doing what i was "trained" to. Taking the blame, not crying on the outside, apologizing every 2 seconds. And then in slow motion i saw it. His hand flew up and the pop can in it was in motion toward my face. It was empty, it had only nipped my shoulder, but he had thrown something at me. all at once the trance that i had seemed to be in over the last 6 months was gone. I straightened my back, I said i was sorry, and walked in side. He left and that night i told him i was done. Our break up was a bad one. the sherriffs department was involved, but things ended. that was in May of 08.

in June 09 i still had not gotten back to my regular self. i went to get a physical and the dr ended up telling me he was diagnosing me with PTSD. i laughed and said that was just for soldiers. as he explained more, i realized the impact of what had really happend. something snapped in me. i felt scared. alone. as if no one would want me. the same feeling i had of neglect from when my ex would turn over and ignore me after sex, over took my mind, body and heart.

I stopped looking for a caring Dom and just concentrated on looking for that temporary feeling of feeling cared for. I started going out to the bar just to flirt, feel desired. it was like a high.

August 9th 2009, I was out like i had made a habit of. I was feeling sexy. A few guys had chatted me up, given me compliments. Then i saw him. A large body builder type man, he had a really cool tattoo on his arm. I approached him and we started talking about ink. It was a great conversation that lasted til the bar closed. He took my hand and i knew i had to tell him i wasnt going home with him. "I have to get home" i smiled. "You dont want to come play beer pong? Theres a party down the road. Im meeting my two friends outside" I quickly hesitated but figured hell this has been a good night, and he has been good company. "Ok ill go but on two conditions" He smiled a huge smile "Name them". "We drive separate so if want to leave i can, and im not drinking, so youll have to drink my beer in beer pong". he quickly agreed and soon i was standing in front of him with his hands on my hips to make my first shot of the night. Im not good at pong so he was getting pretty drunk. i was flirting slightly but when he would get handsy i quickly swatted his hand away so he got the clear message i wasnt interested in playing.

As the night came to an end, or should i say, the sun came up, my stomach was growling like a lion. "want me to make you breakfast?" i was shocked. I was so used to mean guys, this sweet gesture made me smile. 'he has been respectful all night, he is cute, funny,he wants to be sweet and make me breakfast, and i am hungry.' i thought to myself. so i followed him to his house. after we ate my knees started to act up, when i relax sometimes they stiffen. i asked if he had anything for pain that wouldnt make me drowsy, he said yea and brought me (what i thought to be) a white ibprophen. i sat on the floor and started watching the movie.

I woke up slightly and it was dark "FUCK! i must have been more tired than i thought". I rolled over and my body must not have been awake yet because it felt like a bag of cement. I dozed back to sleep. I woke up when the sun was wide awake, i felt refreshed. relaxed.

"hey i know we just met but could i ask you a favor?" i heard his deep voice from the couch, "sure" i said sweetly, remembering how nice he was to make me breakfast. "i have to go out of town to see my brother could you house sit for me today and tomorrow?" i thought about whether or not i had anything to do, nope nothing. "ya of course" i smiled. He hugged me then got up to get around to leave. He ran through the basics for his dogs, and for how to run the tv/dvd player. then left. i was pretty bored those two days but when he came home i was greeted with a smile and a hug which was nice. I told him i had to get home so i would call him later. Over the next week we talked and texted and i grew to like him. One day we were hanging out at his church, i had picked him up from a buddies house and he had told me he wanted to go. I thought it odd that he wanted to go with me, but it was whatever in my mind. I nicely obliged. Afterward i pulled back into his buddies house and he hugged me again then the question he asked me next will forever be burned in my mind. "So when i get home do you want to fuck again?"........ 'AGAIN?! what the fuck did he mean again?" he must of read the question on my face because he simply said "that first night you came over, we fucked." I camly lied and said id think about it and text him. I pulled away and just zoned out. I dont even remember the drive home. I had no recollection of doing that, so it cant be true.

3 months later i woke up in the middle of the night, i had dreamed of us having sex, the dream was in pieces but it was intense spurts of images. In one of the images i was slowly pulling myself to the bathroom with my pants in my hands. in another i was laying on the floor on my stomach eating pizza. 'it cant be real' i thought paniced. i texted him "did we eat pizza that night?. he sent me a smiley face "yep after we fucked i was hungry." i ran to the bathroom and dry heaved. i couldnt believe i had been so stupid.

for the next year i struggled with nightmares, depression. I also struggled with insomnia. I fought sleep harder than i ever had before. I would stay up 36 to 48 hours at a time til my body blacked out from exhaustion. during that time i had dated one guy who was a virgin for 4 months before i dumped him because he wanted to sleep with me. then re vamped my goal to find a Dom, one who could care for me, protect me.

November 2010, I was online in a friendly chatroom about bdsm. I noticed an ad a guy had posted "i can dominate for a low price" i private messaged him and asked how much it would be. he told me 250 for an hour, i didnt have that kinda money so i started chit chatting with him. he was young, not the kinda doms i had been used to talking to. they had all been older and wanting to move too fast. I quickly learned his name was B and that our non bdsm personalities were quite similar. i liked how we got along. he was 20 but older than me by 3 months. His Dom personality intrigued me though, he was direct but not over the line, he knew what he desired flat out, he didnt sweet talk me, he talked to me as a friend. After what i had been through since 08, i needed a friend. The best part was he understood both my vanilla side and bdsm side. we exchanged numbers and our friendship quickly grew. We would spend atleast 3 to 4 hours every other night laughing and discussing and bickering, it made me smile in my heart for the first time in a long time. He told me his bday was January 10, i decided then that i would suprise him and meet him on his bday.

When the day came i wasnt nervous at all, i knew his personality. He was sweet, compassionate, stubborn, opinionated...just like me. yet he had his Dom side that was un predictable, and he could always make me talk even when i didnt want to. We met, and it was like two puzzle pieces fitting perfectly together. Indescribable. i spent 4 days with him, laughing, cuddling, flirting, bickering, and on the last day..submitting. He had suprised me the day before. He asked me to be his gf. and although my heart screamed yes my head said no, i didnt trust my heart at the time so i told him my hesitations and he sweetly understood and we went about our day in peace and canoodling.

That night he told me he had a suprise. He gave me a massage, then softly put a blindfold over my eyes. i was worried. he continued to massage me til i relaxed and almost fell asleep. then i felt the leather. i woke right up, he slipped the belt around my wrists as he distracted me with a kiss. he was a damn good kisser. made my lips tingle. after he had me in the position he wanted, he started to seduce me, with his hands, his lips and most of all his voice. talking to me in a dominant but sensual tone. i was so turned on, i hadnt felt this way ever about someone. i was giddy, yet relaxed, yet so horny. he kissed me deeply, taking my breath away. "tell me three things you like about yourself" then my heart stopped. my mind went blank. how was i to answer that. i was so scared, but of what? i wanted to please him, give him the right answer. "Im smart, im a nice person...." he slipped my blindfold off and looked at me so deep into my eyes that i think i read his mind. with out thinking the words came out "im beautiful" i started to tear up. he kissed me and whispered "never ever forget that my little one" and then he gave me my first orgasm from sex ever.

the next morning when i was getting ready to leave he kissed me, "i know we discussed the boyfriend/girlfriend thing, and i am willing to wait til you are ready, but i want you to know you have my heart" he spoke with such a vulnerable tone, and it scared me because i felt the same. I smiled and said "ill keep it safe" then pulled away. we constantly texted over the next few weeks and then Valentines day came along. I drove down to suprise him but on the way my tranny blew. I had to have my dad tow me home. I called him as i waited for my dad. "hey i wanted to tell you i was coming to see you but my tranny blew." he sighed in disappointment "do you want me to come wait with you?" i smiled at his compassion "no hun by the time you get here i will be picked up already" we chatted and then finally hung up when i left. I was sad i didnt get to see him that day. I wasnt sure when i would get to see him again. He was working on getting a car, but i didnt want to wait that long.

Over the next couple weeks our phone calls were shortened because his phone decided to break, and he was working on his car to come see me. March 18 he called and we flirted a bit, he had been using the nickname my little one ever since we met and it made me feel special when ever he said it. After we flirted for a bit he suprised me "i am working on the u joints and brakes for the car so i can come see you hopefully this week or next." I smiled like it was christmas. then it disappeared. my dad was a mechanic, so i knew the importance of having someone certified check his work. I bickered with him about how he should take the car to a mechanic after he was done since he had made so many fixes to the car, not just the u joints and brakes. Finally he gave me his Dom tone that said he would do it if he chose to not because i wanted him to, and i dropped the subject. That evening i was spending special time with my little brother, B had called and i let it go to voicemail, the next day i called him and his phone went straight to voicemail. i figured it must have been acting up, so i left a message and told him to call me back. two days later i tried again. same thing, i wasnt sure if i had pissed him off so i just told him i was thinking of him and hung up. on March 26 i was worried, it was so odd of him to not get back to me, then i remembered the voicemail. He was so sweet in it, telling me he was gonna stay at a friends and gave me the number as if i didnt trust him. I trusted him 10000%. I submitted my heart and body to him 10000%. I dialed the number and a sweet sounding lady answered "Hi is B there?" the line went silent, then she angerily said "B died".

No thoughts in my mind, i fell to the ground. No words i could speak but somehow i did "how?" she again angerily said " car accident that is all we know". Images and words rushed through my brain, was he coming to see me? did it happen because he didnt get the car checked out? did he suffer?. Everything froze around those questions. I hung up and my heart broke. It didnt break in pieces. or shatter. It broke into a form that is not fixable. I crawled into bed and cried silent tears. He always told me that when i was sad , to think about how much he loved my smile. It didnt matter at this moment. I was empty. I had everything I wanted. A friend, A Dom, and practically a boyfriend without the title. It was all gone now. I didnt care about school, or eating, or tv, or facebook. I laid in bed for a week, waking up crying going to sleep crying. Then my mom came in one day and hugged me "He wouldnt be happy if he saw you like this". for some reason that triggerd my submissiveness.

I went back to school 2 days later. I smiled, and made conversations. As if he would be there at the end of my day. I talked to the ceiling as if it was him before bed every night. I began to feel peace, but every time i thought about him never coming back the pain hurt worse and worse. 6 months later i got on a bdsm site. I started talking to a Dom and venting to him. He told me the one thing that i will always remember "B was your One, no one can replace him, but you need to move on. You will find another Dom, but dont expect him to B like B because he wont, and if you keep searching for B, your always going to be unhappy".

I have had one boyfriend since B, i tried to teach him to be Dom, but we eventually broke up, I have had a few scenes with Doms, but when they wanted me to call them Master i felt my heart being torn out of my body. Sometimes just saying Sir hurts me.

I used to think of B every day, then every week, and now its at random moments that he crosses my mind and i wonder if i will ever be able to be a good submissive ever again to a man. I need to submit to be happy, but will i ever find someone again? It scares me to think i won't. But in a sense i am comforted that i met B and he was my One even for a short time.

Like i said above. this was written more for my catharsism than anything. i know its not erotic. sorry :(

a Doms role is to love his sub enough to know what is good for her, a subs role is to love her Dom enough to know that He is what is good for her.  

id love to have a dominant version of John Cena or Luke Bryan. or a combo of the two, aka Jensen Ackles :P OR Stephen Amell. yum

"you can't tell a grown woman what to do, you cant order her around and be mean to her." ...but you can dominate her ;)

"Pandas are cute and cuddling in appearance yet they are very strong. Keep this in mind when making judgments based on first appearances." - Symbolism of Panda Bears