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MasterinCO
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| currently not seeking additional relationships
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old profile for historical purposes
thought I would try a more verbose ad. hopefully it pastes correctly, otherwise I will edit later tonight.
To be simple I am seeking a position as a slave.
To be considered for a Master/slave relationship with me I am seeking the following:
Within 100 miles of Denver Co
A Master or Mistress, a Master/Mistress couple or a Master/Switch couple
Between the ages of 35 to 45
Please have at least two years identifying as a Master/Mistress and preferably at least two years of relationship experience. If you are currently in a relationship(s) they should be older than 6 months.
Consistent rituals or protocols or rules
Active in or at least the desire to be part of the community through events and education
To complicate things and to be considered for a more flexible relationship:
I am open to different types of relationships from friends, to threesomes, to casual partners, temporary service positions or full time surrender. Although I have an idea of where I want to be, I try not to ignore those options that come along the way.
Within 100 miles of Denver ? I do not do long distance relationships and although I will be friendly unless you plan on moving our relationship will never be more than friends.
Rope Top, Dominant or Master/Mistress ? I can top for a very limited amount of play but do not consider myself dominant. I can enjoy a range of relationships and don?t believe in putting my life on hold until the right one comes along.
I am willing to try a Dominant/sub or M/s couple but honestly have not had much luck integrating into those types of relationships.
Between the ages 35 to 45 ? I am willing to talk to anyone outside of that age range however I find it more compatible within this range to share outside interests, hobbies and social history.
Active in or interested in the local community - this is my main outlet for socialization and would enjoy spending that time with a date.
Who I am:
Adjectives that describe me: Educated, creative, sweet, detail orientated and consistent.
Financially stable ? own home, car and have been employed at the same company 8 years
Experience ? 15 years of experience with a variety of relationships from casual friends with benefits to 24/7 slavery. I have been involved in a different poly relationships for the same amount of time from being a primary in an open relationship to being a secondary to being a play toy to a couple.
Openness ? Energy with another person is the most important aspect of a relationship. I am willing to exchange a few emails but would prefer to meet sooner rather than later.
I am not willing or able to relocate out of Denver.
I have two cats and a dog.
I am not a heavy masochist but depending on the level of a relationship there are very few activities I would consider a hard limit.
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old profile for historical purposes
thought I would try a more verbose ad. hopefully it pastes correctly, otherwise I will edit later tonight.
To be simple I am seeking a position as a slave.
To be considered for a Master/slave relationship with me I am seeking the following:
Within 100 miles of Denver Co
A Master or Mistress, a Master/Mistress couple or a Master/Switch couple
Between the ages of 35 to 45
Please have at least two years identifying as a Master/Mistress and preferably at least two years of relationship experience. If you are currently in a relationship(s) they should be older than 6 months.
Consistent rituals or protocols or rules
Active in or at least the desire to be part of the community through events and education
To complicate things and to be considered for a more flexible relationship:
I am open to different types of relationships from friends, to threesomes, to casual partners, temporary service positions or full time surrender. Although I have an idea of where I want to be, I try not to ignore those options that come along the way.
Within 100 miles of Denver ? I do not do long distance relationships and although I will be friendly unless you plan on moving our relationship will never be more than friends.
Rope Top, Dominant or Master/Mistress ? I can top for a very limited amount of play but do not consider myself dominant. I can enjoy a range of relationships and don?t believe in putting my life on hold until the right one comes along.
I am willing to try a Dominant/sub or M/s couple but honestly have not had much luck integrating into those types of relationships.
Between the ages 35 to 45 ? I am willing to talk to anyone outside of that age range however I find it more compatible within this range to share outside interests, hobbies and social history.
Active in or interested in the local community - this is my main outlet for socialization and would enjoy spending that time with a date.
Who I am:
Adjectives that describe me: Educated, creative, sweet, detail orientated and consistent.
Financially stable ? own home, car and have been employed at the same company 8 years
Experience ? 15 years of experience with a variety of relationships from casual friends with benefits to 24/7 slavery. I have been involved in a different poly relationships for the same amount of time from being a primary in an open relationship to being a secondary to being a play toy to a couple.
Openness ? Energy with another person is the most important aspect of a relationship. I am willing to exchange a few emails but would prefer to meet sooner rather than later.
I am not willing or able to relocate out of Denver.
I have two cats and a dog.
I am not a heavy masochist but depending on the level of a relationship there are very few activities I would consider a hard limit.
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To answer a question:
Yes, I had a great time at MTTA. I got a lot out of it as I gave alot to the experience.
I also had a great time at Thunder this year. I am looking forward to next year and hopefully being able to be of personal service to a Master and not just being the hospitality room slave.
Of course being the hospitality room slave had lots of perks and provided me with amazing experience this year. |
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i am excited to announce that i have been accepted into the MTTA slave training program for the March session. i love attending events and have, so far, never had a bad experience traveling to or attending a leather convention.
However, i can also be painfully shy. Thinking on this, i believe it is because you can't make a second first impression. i don't trust my brain and my mouth to always cooperate and am scared of making an ass of myself. This is especially true when I travel without friends, or an emotional support group.
So traveling to a national leather convention, although appealing, is difficult to accomplish as a single. This year i really wanted to get out and do something. i was considering posting and asking for information on training houses and others experience of such. I had even seen personals on CM from others willing to provide short term experiences. My concern of safety, both physical and emotionally, made me hesitate. I also wanted to do something this quarter, as hopefully i am going to the Oct Butchmann's
Thankfully, during my research I came across the MTTA training and was pleased to see that they had an upcoming training session. It's east coast, so travel will be a good part of the expense, but i also have never been to an east coast event and am thrilled to check out the area. |
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I know its faith based music; but sometimes the imagery just speaks directly to the depths of my kink:
At the cross you beckon me
You slowly draw me to my knees, and I am
so lost for words, so lost in love
Sweetly Broken, wholly surrendered |
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Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune--without the words,
And never stops at all,
And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.
I've heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.
Emily Dickinson |
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We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts.
With our thoughts, we make our world.
Pay no attention to the faults of others, things done or left undone by others. Consider only what by oneself is done or left undone.
Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle,
and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never
decreases by being shared.
The only real failure in life is not to be true to the best one
knows.
The foot feels the foot when it feels the ground.
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I got my bumblebee cut into my chest at Thunder this year. I will see if Collarme will let me upload the photo. They didn't like the other one I got in Dec.
I figured if I was spending the weekend in service to the community through my volunteer work at the hospitality room and seminars, i might as well get a nice reminder of my love of service.
Am very grateful for everyone who came out to the event.
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I wrote this as a topic starter for a discussion group in the area. I recieved some compliments on it and thought it might be useful to give others an idea of my thoughts on ego and service.
For myself, being a slave is a calling. It is part of a path of spirituality. A Master helps to focus, define and sharpen that path, but it is one that only I can walk. I mention this because your reasons for serving may be different but no less valid.
The act of accepting and providing service is one of consciousness. It is a recognition that there is only this moment in time that you will ever perform this service. Every interaction, every demand, request, or sensation will never happen again. To be a vessel of a Masters desire, the slave should strive to be present in all ways. A slave should not worry about the future. Weather that presents as what will happen next, where is this leading, or why is this important, it indicates a lack of believe in abilities of the Master to provide.
Ego, being that part of ourselves that feels entitlement, is often my largest obstacle to service. Ego is a fear based reaction. It prevents me from being aware of what is happening now. Ego wants to know what is happening, next which is the fear of being out of control. Ego wants to know that I am doing a good job, reflecting the fear of rejection and abandonment. Ego wants my service to be about me and not about Them, this the fear of being insignificant or worthless. Ego wants what could be, not what is. Ego is not based in the here and now, it is figuring what is going to happen or what happened in the past. |
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i love my new shoes. Hopefully CM has allowed me to get the photo posted.
I can't really walk in them until my ankles are all back to being strong from the foot breaks.
I really think that I won't have to be walking too much in them anyway! Heh
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Four steps to happiness
Stop
Listen
breathe
Repeat
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Not being in service is also being in service. It is about hearing and listening to the universe. Now the whole acceptance of such orders is another days work.
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Enough; I lay in bed last night thinking about how I could become
enough. That perhaps – if I was strong
enough, I would be able to get beyond my pain. If I was smart enough, I would be able to understand what I needed
to do
if I was brave enough, I would be able to overcome my
insecurities
If I was able enough, I could be a better person, a better
slave
Then, I understood that I was comparing myself to others. To
people who have lived other lives, experienced other paths. There is no honor
to myself if I were to try to make myself something that I am not. I also understood that I will never be enough; because when I
am enough it means i have nothing left to learn. There will always be something that I can do
to help myself be a better person. There will always be another mountain to
climb or knot to untie. I am enough for here and now. I am enough for what I need to
be. I can continue my path to a greater cause keeping my eyes on the horizon
and allowing each experience to provide for me what I need at that moment.
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I had a great birthday gathering at the club last night. The kitty cake started losing shape after an hour. People were confused if it was a pile of poop. I
had to explain a little as to how I am not a masochist. I think I will
write some about being a reluctant masochist. It was fun to anticipate
the spanking/paddling as everyone enjoyed the tension and teasing me. I had some lovely welts and some deep purple bruising.This morning it is simply a nice red mark along my bottom. I
accepted the spanking in the spirit of love that it was given. I just
wish that my friends were a little less sadistic in their loving. :-)
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I know i am where i am supposed to be, even though i wish i were somewhere else.
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The next question was my responsibilities as a slave who is not in service to a person. The first is simply the continued work on improving and incorporating the traits that I want in my life.
Often, the universe provides me plenty of opportunities to practice and refine these skills. Another responsibility is towards my property, including my body, mind, and other assets. A slave should care and maintain these items to the best of their ability for the future Master. A slave is responsible for putting themselves into positions that will allow the universe to fulfill their desires. A slave who wishes to be owned but never allows themselves the chance to leave the house and interact with others will not find what they are seeking.
Can I accept these responsibilities to myself and my world? I think this is a very difficult question to answer and not one that many people get the chance to experience. Accepting responsibility for myself means no longer allowing my behavior, actions, and thoughts to be determined by someone else. I am not very good with taking care of myself and need to continue to use discipline and focus to keep myself in my best condition. It is also difficult for me to put myself out into the hands of the universe and trust that the people that are brought into my life are there for a purpose other than to hurt me. *smiles*
What are the benefits of living as a slave? For me, it is a sense of freedom. My initial response to any situation is an attempt to control it. My defenses have grown into a belief that if I can control what is happening I can avoid being hurt. I suppose that would work, if the world actually allowed me to control it. Instead, I end up frustrated and hurt. As a slave, I can simply trust in the universe that things will work out as they are supposed to. If a decision is to be made, then I know that whatever decision I make is the correct one. Either the outcome will be positive or I will have another freaking opportunity for growth.
As a slave, I am living my calling; I am touching that soft squishy happy space that is bliss within me. There is a serenity that comes from knowing I am where I need to be.
What are some difficulties of being a slave? The biggest for me is accepting that I am in control and not in control. Perhaps it is more about being able to identify what I am in control of and what I am not. I am in control of my own reactions to my choices, I am in control of my behavior, my failures, my shortcomings. I am not in control of always getting what I want. I am not in control of keeping myself from pain. I am not in control of finding that Owner that is seeking me.
It is difficult being a slave without an owner because it requires a keener sense of balance. I am also not looking forward to the day when my Owner comes and I must learn to surrender to both that person and our combined reality.
However, I am willing to accept both the benefits and disadvantage. I am willing to call upon my own abilities and to strengthen myself and my skills to be a better slave for the future.
So Why do I need/want/desire a Master:
The second step was trying to identify why I wanted a Master. This is a tricky question, because like most truths, it changes. Some day’s I feel like I need a Master to help me refocus. Other days it would just be nice to have someone to ‘be’ with. Often it is the desire to have a reflection of myself, a confirmation of my service. Sometimes I just want that pushing from outside of myself so I can always continue to grow and experience the world around me. When I become frustrated, I try to remind myself to think on the why instead of the who.
Practices in being a single slave
By identifying why I wanted a Master, I could explore those desires to see what things I could accomplish myself. Creating opportunities for growth is a favorite for me. I enjoy the chance to be of service to people in general. This service allows me to practice those traits that I find important. When the universe provides me chances for growth, I try to grasp what I can from them as well. I also think about what things I would like to do and try to create reasons to accomplish them.
For example, I would like to learn more about the Japanese tea ceremony. I have read several books and have all the tools. I am not quite to the point of having enough practice, but it was a start.
If I feel lonely then I can call a friend, engage in conversation or even mediate.
Thankfully for me, slavery isn’t about the physical SM play. I still have the urge and the desire to play and experience the physical aspects, but it is not a consuming part of slavery for me. Although I can incorporate the physical surrender into the mental aspects of serve, the need for physical contact is simply not something I struggle with. For those rare times when I need an outlet, I am blessed to have safe friends for both the SM and sexual aspects.
I gave a lot of my free time to the community, which I love and enjoy. I focused my energy towards creating a network of close friends and sharing my stories, experience and education with others. I took up different tasks and hobbies to keep myself busy. I traveled and explored who I was and what I was looking for.
Some Mistakes I have made
The most frequent mistake I make (made) is allowing myself to wallow in a sense of self pity. I let other people to attempt to define me and what I was looking for. I accepted that my service was not worth something in exchange. I allowed others to take advantage because I didn’t know my own boundaries and was native about creating them.
I forgot that negotiation is a learned skill and if I didn’t learn it I couldn’t play. I had to learn how to accept my own boundaries before I could expect other people to respect them.
I think each mistake made is a chance to simply find a better way of doing something the next time. Much of that philosophy comes from my sense of spirituality and the fact that we can create our own universe and good things will come to those who do good.
I had already learned enough about me to avoid the mistakes of falling for an online Master. I had guilt issues with defending my own boundaries until I remembered that I am worth something. That the universe will provide for me the person that is meant to be here. If this other person(s) is not in a place in their life to make room for me, or to accept my boundaries, then it simply wasn’t meant to be. Letting go of that has also been a learning experience, honestly, it continues to be one.
What I have learned.
I am a slave. It is what makes me happy. I am defined by my own definitions, my actions, and my beliefs. Some people believe the same way I do, some people do not.
I have and will continue to have an amazing life. I am surrounded by at least a dozen people who love me, who would keep me from harm, who would open their homes to me. I have a wonderful job, a great house, and financial security. I spend my weekend doing things that some people only dream of. I laugh, a lot.
The universe is benevolent. I can trust that the outcome is going to work in the way it should work. I do not need to control, manipulate, or even know what is going on.
Being Bored is a luxury.
What I do today will benefit myself, my friends, and my family in the future.
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Questions to answer when considering a life of a slave:
What traits do I believe a slave must possess? Are these traits I currently have or can gain on my own? What responsibilities does a slave have? Am I willing to accept these?
What are the benefits of living as a slave? What are the difficulties of being a slave? Am I willing to accept both the benefits and difficulties as they come?
My answers? Glad you asked. I actually don’t have the answers from 2004, but here is how I would answer them today.
Traits: Honesty, grace, common sense, curiosity, honor, respect, willingness, commitment, and discipline.
Honesty. A slave should be someone who is honest in their opinions. They should be able to stand next to their beliefs and define their views. They should be someone who is known for stating the truth. A slave understands the difference between what I believe to be true, verse what I know to be true. They will avoid gossip and speculation on other peoples thoughts, actions, and feelings unless they have had first hand experience with that person. A slave works on understanding their own truth within their own life and their own path. A slave also realizes that the truth often changes and will not hold on the truth as an absolute.
Grace. Defined as: Seemingly effortless beauty or charm of movement, form, or proportion. A characteristic or quality pleasing for its charm or refinement. A slave attempts to appear effortless in their duties. Although struggles are a part of life, a slave takes the opportunity to live life effortlessly. A slave avoids creating complications and drama. A slave should be graceful in acceptance of the challenges and to face each as a chance for growth and exploration.
Common sense. A slave is not someone who is seeking to turn over every thought, action, and desire to another. They are not unable to determine if a stove is hot without getting advice from another. A slave is someone who can view a situation, review the known facts, consider the possible outcomes, and choose the option that is most likely to produce the outcome desired.
Curiosity. A day when nothing is learned is the day to stop living. A curiosity for life and living is important as it provides the slave a continuing desire to find new ways to better their life. It allows them the chance to connect with others, to explore new paths, and to find alternatives to the present situation.
Honor. I feel honesty plays a large part in honor. Being truthful means that you believe in what you have said. Being honorable means that you will stand by what you have said. A slave is honorable because they will treat others with honor. They will not engage in activities that would be illegal or bring shame on themselves or those around them.
Respect. A slave will act respectful. There is never a reason for being rude. There is never a reason to be disrespectful. It is better to simply leave a situation, ideally to never enter into one, than to disgrace yourself or others by your actions. A slave realizes that there is a fine line between being respectful and being tactful. A slave respects the things they have been given in life. They respect their bodies, their gifts, their abilities. A slave understands that the value they have is one that should be respected by others. They do not carry a false ego of their value, simple an acknowledgment of a value and will not allow or tolerate others disrespecting the slave or themselves.
Willingness. A willingness to embrace what the path has ready. A willingness to be open to the twists and turns that come from this path. The slave has a willingness to be vulnerable and fearless. This willingness comes often in the form of trusting with faith that the universe is providing what is needed when it is needed.
Commitment. A slave shows commitment to their path. They are willing to accept the difficulties in life and will not allow those times to draw them from a goal. A slave does not make commitments lightly. They will accept tasks and goals with an understanding of the larger picture. A slave does not move from interest to interest, but will give themselves fully to something they love and desire.
Discipline. A slave is someone who can maintain a steady path through difficult times. They understand that nothing is perfect, themselves included. A slave will strive to provide their best to anything they put their minds to. A slave is able to correct their mistakes and learn from them.
Do I have all these traits? Most of them, some of them I feel make up who I am as a person; honesty, honor, respect and curiosity. Others I am working on in my life; willingness, discipline, grace. I am willing to work on these traits, I am willing to make them part of my life. I know that these traits are all part of a larger picture. Each requires practice and sometimes I will fail.
Sometimes I may end up taking a break and falling back into old habits, comfortable situations, illogical behaviors, etc. However, over all I am dedicated to making these traits part of my life and my path.
More later
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*sigh* happy thoughts (its all good but for some reason the enter key isn't working) ..............................
When you do something, you should burn yourself completely, like a good bonfire, leaving no trace of yourself.
—Shunryu Suzuki.......................................................
Mindfulness is the aware, balanced acceptance of the present experience.
It isn't more complicated that that.
It is opening to or recieving the present moment, pleasant or unpleasant, just as it is,
without either clinging to it or rejecting it.
Sylvia Boorstein
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We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts, we make our world.
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Words have the power to both destroy and heal. When words are both true and kind, they can change our world.
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Believe nothing on the faith of traditions,
even though they have been held in honor
for many generations and in diverse places.
Do not believe a thing because many people speak of it.
Do not believe on the faith of the sages of the past.
Do not believe what you yourself have imagined,
persuading yourself that a God inspires you.
Believe nothing on the sole authority of your masters and priests.
After examination, believe what you yourself have tested
and found to be reasonable, and conform your conduct thereto.
Buddha |
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Just back in from butchmann's. Had a wonderful time at the women's event. Still processing the information and catching up on my energy levels.
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Today was the day of odd emails.
I got this one from Amazon:
We've noticed that customers who have purchased or rated The Single Woman's Guide to a Happy Pregnancy by Mari Gallion have also purchased Playing With Pain: Stories from My Life in Leather by Hardy Haberman. For this reason, you might like to know that Playing With Pain: Stories from My Life in Leather is now available.
Now; I have bought lots of BDSM type books from Amazon and I bought a few pregnancy books for a friend of mine recently. I haven’t really done any research on single moms and leather. I am sure there are quite a few, however, I really don’t think there is enough out there that Amazon can see a correlation between the two.
The second email was from eHarmony:
Based on some of the responses you've written in your account, it seems that you may be interested in same-sex matching. (…) eHarmony has not developed the same, long-term research on the most successful same-sex unions.
As your responses indicate you are not interested in our service of matching persons of opposite sex, we have temporarily turned off your matching. You will not receive any further matches.
Misunderstandings will happen, so if you believe we have misunderstood your interest, please let us know that you are searching for opposite-sex matches, and we will reopen your matching.
So, what I did have in my profile was a brief mention that I am very open about myself. My bisexuality, interest in leather, etc. Apparently that was enough for the website to flag my profile as being interested in women on women matches.
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Did i mention that my date with a potential partners was a flop. I figured he was standing me up when i didn't get a phone call as promised. I still got some yummy pancakes from The orginal pancake house. i think what bothers me the most is the fact that i can't even get a , sorry not gonna make it email. Not even a No longer interested IM. Just nothing. I suppose that also means that I can just assume that he was in a horrible car crash and died instead of just figuring that I was so crazy that he thought it best to cut all contact and run.
Cie La Vie
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Nothing good on tv tonight, but i did get to watch Hell's Kitchen. i have to say that there is something about listening to a guy with an accent yelling at people that gets me all hot and bothered; hehe
Almost makes up for not watching the Military bootcamps
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In recovery, they talk about accepting a higher power. To some, that means God, or Gods, or a doorknob.
For me, it turned out to be time. I discovered that there was nothing I could do to change time. I could not go back and change the way things worked out. I could not make something happen before it was going to. I could not manipulate, force, or bribe time to behave in the way that i want it to.
In Fact, Time plays tricks on me. The last week has dragged on. It feels like weeks and weeks since I last spent time with my new friends. It feels like i am sitting on pins and needles awaiting a response, trying to convience myself that I have been oh so patient this past week, but it has only been three days!!
I know that this goes back to my mind finding reasons to be addicted to something negative. Instead of being able to focus on the positive things in my life, I allow myself to get caught up in something that potentially hurts.
Guess that is why its called recovery and not recovered. (hehe, i crack me up)
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When my heart gets ahead of my head, it's hard to remember that i am not the center of the universe. I think that is partly why I enjoy being in service, it just feels true to me. It is my physical reminder that I am not the center of the universe. I can focus on another's needs and wants yet still feel that fullness within me of doing what is true to me.
It sounds easier than it is, but i am grateful to be at a point in my life where i can at least say it.
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Things are moving along really well with my new relationship. We are in formal negotiations and are working out a possible contract. I am happy about the speed and direction that we are moving. It may seem slow, but i am not in a hurry to push something that i want to last.
When, or if, the relationship progresses then I will update my profile.
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I recently dumped a few emails out of the inbox here. If you
didn’t get a response consider one of the following as the reason.
You are not local
You are over 50 or under 25
Your email did not include anything worth replying to. Such
as.. Nice ass or good boobs.
Thanks for your consideration. If you still feel we may have
a connection, feel free to email again.
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My laptop did a great backflip off of the table over the weekend. Due to the fact that I am a computer junkie and I am taking an online class this summer, i didn't have the time to mess around with getting the computer to work. I have a friend looking into if he can salvage anything off of the old laptop. I went out and bought a new HP. It even has a built in 10 key; happiness and joy.
Unfortunatly, I have lost all my past emails and files that I had. Shoot!! just remembered that it lost all of my Kahi's Kitchen things too.
Darn, poop, crap!
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The final is over. I am thinking that I did about a 70. That is all I need to pass the class. I have the summer class that I need to take, even if I don't pass this class. The worse that happens is that i need to retake the class and delay the graduation. Its a small chance.
I am also looking forward to getting a little more control of my eating, as I have had several episodes of indulging the stress part of my stomach and I want to get back into the better eating habits. At least the organic food delivery is going to be here this week.
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Happy news on the ultrasound. The breast seems healthy and there are no abnormal masses. Guess that is good. At this point, the mass behind my nipple must just be scar tissue.
I think it is wierd that one side has a solid nipple and the other doesn't. Guess it is just good to have options.
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My service today:
Woke up before 9am.
Cleaned the living room and started laundry
Showed up early at the birthday party to help out.
Cleaned up after guests and helped to keep the home tidy.
Finished the laundry
Cleaned the kitchen.
Updated the meeting list.
Sent pictures of the Deviant Doggie night
Posted the free couch and chairs on craigslist.
Took a nice long bath and shower.
As a single slave, it is hard on me to remember that I serve in many different ways by taking care of myself and those things that are important in my life, like family and friends. As such; every now and again, I may post some daily activities that remind me of how I am of service.
Yadda yadda
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Ooh; Saw III really makes me think twice about the spirit dance. For those of you who haven't seen it, there is a great little part where someone has rings stuck in them.
Funny funny that.
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Am i interested in a sugar daddy?
Hell, yes.. who wouldn't be.
Though I do have a few requirements.
I don't ever want to meet you. You have to send cash to my PO Box and you can see me on camera once a week for 30 minutes.
I can show you what I use your money for. Mostly, this will be paying off my student loans, so you will have to find it erotic to watch me writing checks out to the loan company.
Many happy returns,
your friendly prostitute jenn
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I would like to create a family, to have our own rituals, to be our own tribe, to be there when anyone needs something.
I would also like to have space, distance, the luxury of time, something that is mine.
I am mostly Het. I don’t mind being involved sexually with a woman, but have never experienced a relationship with one so I don’t that I do or do not want one.
I like protocols and rituals, expectations that have been set and are know, reminders of my position and my choice in life.
I also like the freedom to be wild and untamed
I like the idea of children, the bonding, the commitment, the joys and trails.
I love the idea of not being tied down by another’s needs, of not having to hide what or who I am because of societies inability to accept and needing to socialize someone else to the whole
I cherish the dreams of being a teacher and providing guidance to others in the leather lifestyles. I love the though of being there for the Enclave’s many victories and milestones.
It is hard for me to narrow down my path in life when I am trying to keep so many open. I am still young, I know that things will still change. I know that what I want and what I need are different things. I also know that I can manifest those things in my life that I want, that I am worth those things that I want.
I just have to figure out what those things are. |
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my entry on pain wasn't a plea to find someone to beat me. i don't have problems finding that.
It was one of those things that came to me as part of my training. i honestly wasn't sure that i would take to the pain and need that as part of my life.
fun and joy
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I think I have figured out why I have a current need to feel pain. I have learned to surrender to pain (in part at least)
Due to the desires I have to feel surrender I know that I can do that through finding a partner to give me pain. That way I can surrender to the pain without having to surrender to the person.
I still know its an emotional landmind, but its good to know why my masochistic needs are popping up.
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check out the article at www.westword.com titled Fit To Be Tied. It is about the Enclave and the current legal battles with the city.
BTW, the city was also ordered to give The Enclave the business license! The city can still appeal the decision, but it is a wonderful victory for the club, though one we all thought was a given!
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I had a wonderful time at the Vendor Fair. The hardest thing I had was the fact that I had friends there and they were all talking in front of me but far enough away that I couldn't be part without leaving the table. Then I didn't want to leave in the middle of a conversation if I had someone interested. So I reminded myself what I was there for and felt blessed to know that I actually had friends around me.
I did well at the fair and am pleased to see many repeat customers. I am looking forward to having some help with getting the website up and running. It will be pretty basic with just a few little items that won't require much customization.
I also got a new braclet from DayCollar.com. I have been friends with the owner for a few years now and am always happy with the work he does. Doesn't hurt that he is a nice hansome man either. (smiles)
The house is clean, the groceries are put away and the laundry needs to be put in the drawers. I have some dinner warming in the oven and a smoothie ready for dessert.
Life is good.
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There is Truth here
Under leather, under steel
There is Truth here
In the web we weave with community
On my knees I used to pray
A loving God to show the way
But by the blessings I have gained
I know that Truth will keep me sane
There is truth here
Behind our smiles and our tears
There is truth here
Within our rituals and rules
I have loved in many ways
And I have lost what wouldn’t stay
I have touched at heavens gate
And sought salvation oft too late
Yet every heart has brought to me
A key unlocking Truths own way
There is truth here
Behind our bedroom doors
In our arms and in our eyes
There is truth here
Though I may wander and I may stray
Through the darkness bright as day
There is a path that leads me back
Back to Truth that never fades.
There is Truth here
In my faith, my fears, my devotion
There is Truth here
On my path, on my mind and in my soul
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Thoughts are not trust worthy
Love is trust worthy only to be love
Love is not always soft and kind
Love is not always tender and sweet
Love will wake you from your deepest sleep
It will rip you from all that you think you want
To let you fall into where you need to be
It will grab your throat and force you to pay attention.
What are you giving your time to?
Devote yourself to what makes you happy
What are you giving your attention to?
Devote yourself to what you love
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I have been asked a few times what i am looking for now. I think the following lays it out pretty well. I don't want to post it on the profile since it will change before I am ready to look for a partner.
Still it may be interesting to some.
These all assume a long term local M/s relationship. As with any training or temporary relationship, that is negotiated for the time period involved.
Community – it is important to me to continue as part of the local and national leather community. I love the chance to socialize with friend, teach and learn with others, and explore the variety of relationships that are present. I can’t say that I need someone who will be able to attend events with me, but I do feel that it would be beneficial if we shared the same desires within the community.
In that strain, I have recently submitted my application and payment for the Female only Butchman’s event in August.
Personal Control - I am wanting to maintain my control over my own finances, home, school and career for at least the next three years. I am almost done with a degree, doing good in my job, have the new home to build up on, etc. I also need to have control of my own mental health and sobriety.
Discipline and control – I consider myself a very good girl and a good slave. However, I did not grow up with many boundaries in my family and as such, I am also often testing boundaries and limits unconsciously. It is important to me to be with someone who can understand that this behavior is not a reflection of the relationship but of my own need to feel secure.
Growth – This is a spiritual path of me. I integrate a lot of what I believe into who I am and enjoy the ability to share that with my partner. I don’t want to be in a ‘comfortable’ relationship where I become complacent with the status quo. I think that the involvement with the community and a commitment to personal and relationship growth helps to facilitate the evolution.
Sadist – I am not a very good bottom. I don’t enjoy pain for the sake of pain. It doesn’t make me happy or turn me on. Physically, it makes me wet. Mentally, it is about the control I am giving to my partner. I desire to be of service to my partner through my pain. The pain also provides me the chance to suffer for a moment to gain trust and devotion to my partner. There are things in play I do enjoy, but I also want the push to accept and process pain that is just pain. |
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The relationship with Sir Michael had hit a dead end. I am hurt but know that it will be ok. I think we ended on decent terms, though I stressed about it on and off for a week.
It feels odd without the collar, but I know that there is something else out there for me and that the past year has been an amazing and wonderful relationship that will leave me better.
I am taking a break from new relationships for at least a month. I may continue that until the end of the semester, depending on my energy and activity level.
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It amuses me that I get hot watching Navy SEALS training on cable because of the mean trainers and torture.
Makes me happy :-) that is all that matters
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i am torn between supporting Sir and being honest with myself. He is planning on going out overseas to do some private bodyguard work. i know it pays great and he has a ton of military experience. i just must trust that he will come home safe.
however, it is hard on me to be left behind. i will miss having him around, not having him to talk to. I will need to continue to find my path even if the woods get thicker.
Ah well if life was easy, everyone would have one.
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Christmas was good and fulfilling. My birthday party went well and the actual birthday day was good. So far being thirty is not such a bad thing.
I am still working with Sir and myself as I get into the rituals of my daily life. I am still searching for the One, but I am keeping myself centered and focused until that happens.
I am on my way to head out to SWLC. I am looking forward to Master Blairs blood scene. It is sexually exciting to me to even imagine.
Well, time to get ready for my brunch.
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Oh the weather outside is frightful,
and my birthday parties cancelled
and since i have no place to go,
let's go play lets go play lets go play
hehe
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SouthWest Leather Fest, PHX AZ 01/19-21
I will be there... Will You?
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Eck
I turn 30 next month.. say it isn't true!
For being in the leather community for ten years, it is hard on me to believe that I am not the youngest person anymore.
Well, at least I will be surrounded by friends and loved ones next month!
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The slave collar was to His house, not Him directly. It helps to clarify in my head the differences in our relationship and what I am wanting out of a M/s relationship that I knew we would not be able to maintain.
It gives me a little more security in my place with him, but it also gives me more responsibility. We are still on the lookout for an owner for me. I am still skitish about me having a collar and still checking out potentials.
There are a few that have actually read the profile and know the situation. There are a few that just ignore the profile and msg without a clue. I know that when the time comes we will find each other. |
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Sir has offered me a slave collar. Althought i have accepted the collar I am still waiting for several questions to be answered before my comfort is true.
I am waiting to find out if i need to remove the ad or just update it.
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The retreat went great. It was good. I am still working with the information and will process and share as it becomes easier
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Eli Jaxon Bear will be in Boulder this coming weekend. I am looking forward to attending the event. I really felt connected to the book and know some other people in the scene who are also followers of his path.
Yeah!
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Moving this week, so I may be slow in responding to emails
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I had a really nice time at the Enclave last night and was able to actually meet new people and be social. :)
Today is lots of packing as i want to make sure I get as much done before the week gets here.
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I found a new house, since the last one failed. This one is in a better location. Yeah!
Closing is sceduled for the 25th.
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Drat; house was postponed until Saturday. Hopefully, it will manage to pass the inspection on saturday.
I did manage to pass the test for my promotion; yeah!!!!!!!!!!!
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I am getting the house. If the house manages to pass the inspection on Thursday.
Woo
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Tonight is a hard evening on me. I am feeling overwhelmed from stress with my life. I am frustrated with life and living.
Thankfully, I know this is just a moment in time. Tomorrow will be better and the sun will still shine.
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It is almost Thunder in Denver. Drop me a note if you will be there
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People who abandon their pets should be beaten, tarred and feathered, and not in that good way either.
I am faced with an abandoned cat in our backyard from one of the neighors. He is so sweet and kind. I want to adopt him and make him mine, but having three cats is more than enough and I have to have good boundaries and not become a homeless shelter for kitties.
:(
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It is a quiet Sunday afternoon here. I did some cleaning around the apartment and got things a bit more organized. I have a whole week before classes start next semester, though part of the week will be spent working on some presentations for the subs group in the area.
Sundays are always the hardest for me. It is before the pressures of the week yet too far along in the weekend to really plan for anything. I have some grocery shopping that I am going to do tomorrow evening, so I am sitting at home being idle with my time.. a dangerous situation.
I had a quiet night last night as well. Sat and watched TV and cross stitched. Thought about how easily we are drawn into people who are bad for us. How we respond to the same manipulations that we know are bad for us, but still push our buttons. Ah well, the first step is awareness and acceptance of the problem. I think I will go read some philosophy book for awhile.
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I had a really nice day. Though I do have to say that I find the photo ads on this site to be annoying. I didn't so much mind the text ones, but pictures of naked ladies isn't really my thing, and they aren't even real women, so that is just a freaking tease. Wonder how many men think all hot looking women are fake?
Oh well.. back on better things.
The discussion today was good. We covered some information about disclipine and punishment and our failure to be perfect slaves.
I then got to attend a wiccaning. I haven't done too many magical events so it is always a fun experience for me to join others in these things.
Off to finish making some dinners and lunches and other fun things
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Ew; not even finished with my finals for this semester and already getting the notice for the books for my summer classes.
*shudder* that just isn't right
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I keep a daily journal, unedited, unfiltered, all the nitty gritty of daily life at livejournal. I keep the name sweetkahi on all of my online interactions, so you can just search for that. I am also available through yahoo im and aol im under the same nickname.
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I finally got my machine to help with the sleep apnea. I have high hopes to be back to my full energy levels by next week. It will be nice to actually get to use the gym that I have been paying for.
Things within the guardian relationship is going great. I am very happy with the reminder to continue to be the best I can be. It is also still very nice to have my freedom and ability to still meet many of my own needs.
It does make me wonder if I will be able to fully give control over to another when I do find them. Though I am also certain that by being able to surrender to another, that I will find my peace and serenity.
I took a step today and emailed a few folks on collarme. I don't expect much, perhaps just a chance to talk to different people. I suppose it is similar to my desire to put my resume out on the job market. See what interests are out there, what requirements are they looking for, do I have what they are looking for, or do I need to continue to improve myself before looking again.
Ah well, life is a journey, not a goal |
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I accepted the guardian collar and hope it does allow me to continue to grow and be protected without putting my heart and emotions on the line every time a Master comes along.
I would like to strongly encourage any interested parties to still contact me. If we hit it off and you are interested, I will pass on the contact information to Sir Michael so that you can decide if the match is correct.
BB
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SPLF was really fun. I am glad that I went and very happy that I was able to attend with the people that I did.
On a personal note, I have accepted the guardian collar from Sir Michael. It was hard for me to accept to begin with. Mainly due to the misconception that I had about a guardian, that they were supposed to be for the newbie submissive who is still exploring the scene.
Thankfully, there was a class at SPLF about guardianship and how it was meant for the experienced slave, someone who knew where they were supposed to be, not someone who was still trying to decide if they were in the right room.
Well, time to call and head to bed.
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Getting ready to head out to SPLF, South Plains Leather Fest in Dallas. It will be my second year. The plans have not worked out quite as well as I would have preferred, but i am doing really good dealing with the changes and the issues as they have come up.
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And on broken wings she files
Surrendered to the wind
No longer asking where the path may lead
Lost in the beauty of serenity
There is no other place to be
If she is meant to be, she would
Present aware calm and scared
Awash in morning dew
The journey now
Divinity guides |
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Hint
When standing someone up, try to have the balls to at least msg or call the party to whom you are standing up!
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Well, it had to happen at some point The site is starting to attract the people just looking to exchange pictures, looking for the next cheap thrill, or the next innocent to fuck with. It is hard on me, trying to shift through the people that are out there.
It is hard enough to find someone who is within my current guidelines, but to have to wade through the profiles of those people who should rightfully be on a sex site is just starting to wear on me.
I know my desires for a relationship (IE local, under forty, etc) are still outweighing my need to serve a Master. I just trust that when I am ready to serve someone they will be there. Until then, I try to keep taking the right steps.
I read other peoples journals at times, or even the profile, where they bitch that the bottom/sub/etc never emails back, even if it is a simple, no thanks. Please allow me this chance to mention that not all Dominant’s respond to the emails they receive. I know it is a form of rejection, but it is still a form of politeness. Even if I were interested in you before, what type of change do you now have by ignoring my emails? Just doesn’t seem to make sense.
I suppose a bit of it is just an ego thing for me. I know I am a bit overweight. I know that I have some issues that I still deal with, but I am an amazing person. Really, everyone is always telling me so. I get compliments and praise, laughter and love in my life, but I have yet to find the one to whom I wish to belong. Those who I find myself interested in don’t even bother to respond with a reason as to why they are not interested. If you are not teaching, then how do you expect anyone to ever grow as a person. As well, off my soap box for now. |
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May all your Yule time hopes and dreams be realized in the coming year.
Be well, play safe and remember to have fun!
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Whee; its almost christmas. Got all the shopping done and just need to mail out a few boxes. Probably won't make it before Sunday, but at least before the new year.
Considering the birthday presents never made it out of the house, I find this a step in the right direction.
I am having a play partner over for the holiday weekend. I found something close to his favorite cookies (yeah!) and am going to try to give myself an enema.
I have never done one before. It will be a new experience for me, but I am very happy about getting to be fucked and he is just very good, I want to make sure there is nothing to prevent my evening of fun.
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She's a very hungry girl
the type you don't take home to dinner
she will eat you out of house and home
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Well, it was nice to be considered. I don't know how I feel. An older, attractive Dominant and I have been talking. Although he is not involved in the community, it was clear that we had several of the same thoughts, mine from my experiences and studies and his from his experience. However, we have butted heads on the level of trust I am currently looking to give, He is seeking a slave and I am only comfortable with a D/s relationship for the next few months. I need to move slowly, though I have never done that before. I just wonder if this is for the best, this chance to leave it alone until something else comes along. Someone else who is interested in the lifestyle and has the community experience I am seeking.
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I just wanted to clarify the acceptance of the training collar. I suppose the correct situation is that I had accepted the collar, but still am considering whether it will work for me. Since he is local, that is a bonus, but he is not local enough to be able to visit or follow up very often. As it stands now, I am simply grateful that I was given the consideration and am on the fence about my obligations to the collar or the person. We have not had much time to talk in the last week.
That being said, I still have too much drama going on in my life and I am looking forward to this year being over. Hopefully by that time, things will have finally settled back to a reasonable pace. |
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I have accepted a training collar from a local Dominant who is willing to take me under guidance and provide me with the guidance that I need to find my balance.
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well, I tried an online relationship. It didn't work out. Guess that is bound to happen. I am open to someone who is interested in moving to Colorado, but that means alot more work on both parts.
Back to the grind.
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I hate reading stories sometimes. Most of the time I like to read a nice hot non consent story. Tonight I came across one that talked about her pleasure of being a sexual object used for others pleasures because it pleased her owner.
mades me miss having someone to wisper good girl in my ear, to hold my head against thier body and pet my soft hair.
O.k. Universe; whenever you are ready.!!!
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If there is no sex in violence, are you sure you’re doing it right? |
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Here at SPLF 05.
Having a great time with the seminars and the classes. Had a little difficulty trying to get into the play apsects of the party last night.
It still felt too 'raw' to watch many scenes and I knew that I wasn't there to play. The rare event that someone would have catch my attention and created an energy between us that would lead to play was just too small to give me much reason for staying and exposing myself.
I only stayed for an hour or so. It was a nice party, but that isn't my primary focus now, so I couldn't see actually staying there. Went back to the hotel for some R and R. Just waiting on the brunch to start.
Hopefully I will be getting a pass to TIL after brunch. *Tax deductible towards charity too* :-)
BB |
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I had a dream last night that was erotic, touching, deep, meaningfull, and full of hope that tomorrow may allow me the fullfillment of the dreams that I wish for my life.
It is hard, to wake up with that desire in my mouth, that urge between my legs.
However, it is also sweet to be reminded that those things are still there. That i am simply a submissive in healing
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I consider myself a good submissive, I take care of myself, am polite to strangers, try to keep people happy, watch what I say and am generally a very good person over all.
Not so sure why it makes a difference to me when someone online treats me like crap because they need to inflate their egos.
Ah well, it takes all kinds. Just remember, if you email me. I am a real person with real feelings. If I insult you, hurt your feelings, or otherwise make you feel belittled, be an adult about it and let me know. Don't hide behind your status, don't be dismissive, if you are seeking perfection, don't waste my time.
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Touch me in the morning
and then just say goodbye
We don't have tomorrow
but we had yesterday
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This evening things are going well. I was able to do some cleaning around the apartment and make dinner. My meditation partner had to cancel on me. I will attempt to do some concentration / meditation excercises this evening before bed. Right now I am just updating this journal and then I am off to try out the new eplistop that I bought. I am hoping that it won't hurt too much. This weekend I am hoping to get out to the munch on Friday, then to spend some time with a sick friend on Saturday. Sunday I might have a Dom over for a little play, but that will depend on how the rest of the weekend goes. |
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I am thinking of visiting Philly/NYC...Anyone up for a visit? kahi |
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Thunder is approaching. I am looking forward to getting to meet some people who have contacted me online. I am also looking forward to the chance to get to be around friends. Hopefully I won't be tempted to buy too much at the vendor fair, but I am going to try to help a friend out with the room that she is sharing with me. :) |
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mmm; new naughty toy One boob One Pin A lite candle One vibe *oo baby** |
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Today was an up and down day. Guess its one of those bipolar things.. maybe just a natural cycle. Anyway, I went out and did some shopping at the mall. Got a new purse and some gifts for friends birthdays. I had to take an antianxiety pill during Spiderman for some reason. I then went to the munch. I tripped out on something. I overheard some things at the munch and that got me ticking. I got that cleared up but then a friend brought out his portfolio that included some bondage photos that he and my ex dom had taken with models. For some reason I couldn't just sit there so I went out to have a smoke. I decided that it would be nice to stick the pin that I bought into my breast. I then put the cigarette I was smoking out on my breast. I cleaned up both things wwhne I got home and doubt there will be any problem. Maybe a bit of scarring from the cigarette, but oh well. |
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Ok
New meds are working well. I am still not on any type of real schedule with meditation. I fell off the eating healthy wagon and will need to get back on that in a week or so.
I am looking forward to Thunder. There are several classes I want to attend on Saturday.
All is well; well; well enough for you to read about at least :-) |
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Mediciation is a good thing. I will be pleased when I will be back on the drugs that my doctor will prescribe.
I was at the fourth bbq when i saw my ex master with a new girl. I was overwhelmed by the intensity of my feelings. I had to go to the restroom twice to just cry and feel the pain before being able to put the top back on the box and try to be social. I think it took an hour for me to be able to actually just look in that direction and not want to cry or scream.
It did help some that I was around friends, that no one looked at me with anything other than concern. I did have to leave a bit early and go home. I was stress and almost to a breaking point. i could not just stay there and be social. I came home and talked online. Then my friend came over with cookies and we watched a movie. I think that helped in the fact that it gave me time to let the anti anxiety pills set in and discouraged any negative stress habits (ie Cutting/ over eating, etc) |
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I've been a bad, bad girl
I've been careless with a delicate man
And it's a sad, sad world
When a girl will break a boy
Just because she can
Don't you tell me to deny it
I've done wrong and I wanna suffer for my sins
I've come to you cause I need guidance to be true
And I just don't know where I can begin
What I need is a good defense
Cause I'm feelin' like a criminal
And I need to be redeemed
To the one I've sinned against
Because he's all I ever knew of love
Heaven help me for the way I am
Save me from these evil deeds before I get them done
I know tomorrow brings the consequence at hand
But I keep livin' this day
Like the next will never come
Oh help me, but don't tell me to deny it
I've got to cleanse myself
Of all these thoughts til I'm good enough for him
I've got a lot to lose
And I'm bettin' high so I'm beggin' you
Before it ends
Just tell me where I begin
What I need is a good defense
Cause I'm feelin' like a criminal
And I need to be redeemed
To the one I've sinned against
Because he's all I ever knew of love
Let me know the way
Before there's hell to pay
Give me room to lay the law and let me go
I've got to make a play
To make my lover stay
So what would an angel say
The devil wants to know
What I need is a good defense
Cause I'm feelin' like a criminal
And I need to be redeemed
To the one I've sinned against
Because he's all I ever knew of love |
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Awareness + Discipline = Growth
(goal one eating organic healthy)
Being aware. What do I mean by healthy? Why do I want to eat healthy? What
are the realistic benefits and risks with eating healthy?
Healthy means having a balanced meal plan that provides me with the most
natural source of vitamins and minerals and nutrition that I need to be at
my best performance. I want to eat healthy because I am not consciously
aware of the poor decisions that I make when I am eating the way I was. I
would allow myself to convince that I should be allowed chocolate covered
marshmallows for lunch. I would skip meals and not eat at all. I believe
that the benefits of eating healthy (practice doesn't make perfect, it makes
permanent) will give me a good foundation for a continued life of good food
choices. I also think that the balanced menu will allow me to eat healthy
and still lose weight. If I find myself eating good foods and not losing
weight, then I can cut back on those good foods to the correct caloric
intake. The benefits include losing weight, lowering the risk of the onset
of diabetes or other health related diseases. The benefits may also include
a better and more stable mind frame. The risks involve giving up sweets,
going through withdrawal, the potential of binge eating in reflex to the
cravings. The risks also involve spending more money and time on eating
fresh food and giving up the convenience of preprocessed foods.
Why is eating organic foods better for my body? For my mind? For my world?
What expectations do I expect if I eat organic foods? What benefits do I
feel I will receive? What costs are there for me to move to an organic diet?
To be more specific of what I am wanting, I am focusing on introducing an
all organic/natural menu to my system. I think that eating organic foods is
better for me because "Organic meat, poultry, eggs, and dairy products come
from animals that are given no antibiotics or growth hormones. Organic food
is produced without using most conventional pesticides; fertilizers made
with synthetic ingredients or sewage sludge; bioengineering; or ionizing
radiation." ()
This means that there is less man made chemicals in my own body, trusting
that my body knows how to be healthy without all these chemicals that have
not been tested. I have tried to become more aware of the issues around the
organic movement, and would love more if you have a favorite site... I am
hopeful that the more I understand about why processed and chemically or
genetically treated products are thought to be bad the more will power I
will have to stay on the meal plan. I have been relying on my friend Chris
for help with the organic and healthy eating information.
I have been reading that eating organic foods would allow for the body to
better adjust to changes within itself, to use the nutrition given in a
better manner. It should help me lose weight as I avoid processed sugars and
unhealthy fats found in processed and packaged foods. Mentally, there has
been some studies done that organic menus stabilize depression in many and
the increase in fresh vitamins, etc, will hopefully increase the mental
abilities as well. For my world and my religion, I believe that we are all
connected. I do not like the idea of supporting companies that pollute the
world, that artificially lower the cost of foods by underpaying for the
labor that create those foods. Through the support of organic farming and
the fair trade system, I know that I am paying the true cost for food while
still allowing the farmers and labors to earn a living wage. This makes me
feel good inside. It connects me to my spirituality to treat others as I
would want to be treated. It honors the earth and encourages a way of living
with the earth and not off of it.
With this awareness I strengthen my discipline in sticking with my growth
goal. I have good valid reasons that should help me make informed decisions
to stay with the path that I have chosen. It is hard to pass over the
chocolate chip cookies at parties, to not indulge in an innocent piece of
cake or pie. One little slice in a whole week of being good is an easy
temptation. However, I am committed to this goal. Whether I have the ability
to sustain the organic eating habits or not this experience will allow for
me to grow within the realm that I wish. It hasn't been easy getting to this
point. I have always thought of eating organic since it seemed 'the right
thing to do' however, the additional cost of eating organic seemed daunting
to me. The amount of information out there seemed limited and it was
difficult to know how to do things the 'right' way. Was organic the same as
natural...why does it cost more... can I trust the labels, etc. Thankfully
there are stores such as Wild Oats and Whole Foods that provide information
and recipes that make things much easier.
In the end, I hope that this goal will allow me to grow in many different
ways. I want to have more knowledge about the dangers of GE (genetically
engineered) foods. I want to know the damages that conventional super farms
are doing to the way our world runs. I will know how to sustain a healthy
variety of food choices and options for a single person. I will lose weight
and feel better about myself and my ethical choices in life. On the other
side of the coin I could become too compulsive about what I find and try to
convince others of changing their eating habits. I may develop an aversion
to eating anything that I don't know how it was prepared. I do not want to
become so adverse to eating any type of food that I limit my ability to
enjoy eating out or with friends. I just need to make sure that I accept
that my choices are mine, and not push those onto others. I may also find
that the cost of the organic foods is too far out of my current budget. I
may give up with the menu and go back to eating the conventional prepared
foods. The worst is that I have something negatively happen to my internal
system as it attempts to adjust to natural foods and I become sick.
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Its been a long day. Work was busy cause one of the other workers was out. Thankfully things are starting to pick up. I also got a good evaluation. I don't know if it means a raise, but we will see. Would be nice since I have to start paying for insurance and such now as well.
I am looking forward to Thunder. I think the classes are going to be really enlightening. Hopefully the money things will work out. I don't have much doubt that they will as things also do when you put your mind to it.
This evening I was very good at the house party that someone had. There was cookies and chips. I just finished the strawberries that I brough and ate alot of the carrots and celery. I had a few chips, like three or four. But I stayed away from the cookies. I think the fact that they stayed off the coffee table helped in this matter.
My stomach still says it is hungry, but I had some peanut butter on some pita bread, so that should hopefully fill me up until tomorrow.
The conversations on Sunday went well. I still have some thinking and processing to do, but I think that it really helped getting to sit down and talk to someone. |
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This weekend has proved well so far. Friday I went to work and forgot my medicine. Thankfully a good friend came and picked me up and took me home. That way I did not have to deal with the bus in my woozy state. I got my pills and watched some tv. I then headed out to the munch. I was not feeling as talkative as I would have liked to be, so I did not get around to asking questions to other people as I wanted.
I did get to ask someone to teach/lead a meditation class once a month. I am hoping that will be helpful for me, and maybe others.
I was at the munch for only an hour and flirted a bit with C. He said that he would be interested in doing the Japense Tea ritual with me and to start walking with me. I think it is very sweet, though I am concerned about him pulling emotionally away from me again.
Saturday my cat got me up at 830 so I had plenty of time to go to the post office and do my mail that has been sitting at home for the past two weeks. I also did my shopping, all organic this time. I even made hummus and halibut for lunch.
A friend and I went to watch Harry Potter and it made me depressed. I suppose those dementors got to me and just made me think about how terrible it would be to have your happy memories stripped away. And the fact that I wasn't there with a 'daddy' and the fact that I read the book back when I was having a good relationship with A all and all made me sad.
I went home and finished using my emjoi shaver. Legs and other parts pretty darn smooth. I still need to work on getting all the hair off, but at least the pain is less now. Then it was getting dressed and heading out to Enclave. Hopefully this evening will go by. I am not sure how I am feeling but it isn't very social that is for sure...
Ah well, tomorrow is another day. |
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