startoverslave

Female Dominant, 20, New Brunswick, New Jersey

Male Switch, 23

Switch Couple, 56, Brooklyn, New York

I wish I could be JUST normal enough sometimes. I just want something happy, healthy, and sustainable. I am confident a fulfilling D/s arrangement can be negotiated. There is soooo sooo very much more to my life than me as a slave. I am feeling rather gutted and frustrated at the moment. Kind of an "all dressed up for the party and no where to go" and "what now feeling". Should I just play that element of my personality down. In reality I do not know exactly what I need or want but I at least want a fair chance to sort that out. I will make it worth your time. Worse case we have a blast and have great memories.  I just haven't met you yet is all. It will happen and I have to have patience. Hurry up and come find me !!! San Diego is beautiful and I need to explore it with you. I want to traverse all the nooks and crannies off the beaten path. I am not sure what else to say. That is all for now.

I feel the desire to be anxious, startled, and maybe creeped out in other words turned on and feel alive :P I hope Hush doesn't disappoint.

Saving this list for another day :( Notes: This girl is autonomous and believes she has the faculty to negotiate for herself. That being said she wants to move forward at a pace each party finds engaging and rewarding. This journey for her is partially about mutual growth, fulfillment, and being challenged. I would like to attend silks, ariel yoga, and trivia. What are your goals in having me as your girl ? have you considered it 6 months ? 1yr ? What purpose do you have in having this girl? Does she fill a specific need or purpose? What will you do if she falls short of your purpose or vision of her and the dynamic? How will the girl know if she has been successful or lacking in her service to Sir? What is the biggest obstacle you think I may have in being your girl? What can we do to change it? What could I do to surprise or delight you? How do you want our dynamic to differ from others you have had? Do you believe in porch time or more of an open door as needed approach to feedback and discussion? How will I know what mood Sir is in ? she will not be able to read Sir at first and that will develop with time. How best can girl stroke Sir's ego and grow his confidence as her Sir? When is Sir responsible for being Sir of girl? Once under consideration how does Sir feel on safewords? She has been warned triggers may come up. May we come up with a plan or protocol to handle their occurrence? What are Sir's grooming prefrences? general appearance and dress?

I just took a silly quiz but it seemed rather accurate. Submissive 96% Degradation Lover 93% Experimental 93% Exhibitionist / Voyeur 89% Masochist 82% Bondage 71% Sadist 25% wow well my siblings might agree with this one rofl Switch 21% I was surprised at this score lol Dominant 4% Vanilla 4%

I was inspired to write in my journal after reading a post in a group. The group is called willfull property. Something clicked as I read through the threads. Another girl talked about the need to not disobey per say but not feel that she is consenting. I have been led to believe that a slave is not what I am because I share the need this girl had. I need to feel and know which means test and fail test and fail..I am helpless against his will. He would ideally use comfort, psych and phys discomfortcoercion, fear, joy, arousal, shock, seduction .. and so on. Through these interactions especially the intense ones I gain respect and lose responsibility for my behavior. The much needed enforcement of the natural dynamic that leads me to peace and surrender. The words that most defined my needs were if it is my responsibility to be obediant, I don't feel the power exchange.

I have been busy and having fun in CA.  I just wanted to take the time and thank all of the people that supported removal of the Don't Ask Don't Tell policy.  Sheesh it was about time!!!  Woo hooo Well Done America at least we corrected this mistake.

I have been very contemplative today and spent some time in the message boards.  What stuck out to me was there are other people like myself that want the intensity in a relationship I want.  There are others that don't think fear comes from a lack of trust or respect and that these emotions may live hand in hand in a D/s relationship.    I also read a post about how people need to live privately and what consequences may occur when you choose to share. From even the most understanding people that love you unconditionally in your life in my experience I have felt judged and thus forced me to lie and hide.  I believe I am looking for validation for the authentic person I am.  So most people choose to hide what will make them feel judged but I am wanting to seek people that will validate me.  I wonder if I am lacking confidence inside me and doubt in who I am to the point I need other people to instill in me that there are others that would love to share my struggles and don't think I do this from an unhealthy place of dependence or lacking in my own life.   I suppose if you hear anything enough times you start to believe it.  Things like, "you only want to have sex with me, It is too late, What did you do all day? (what I heard, you are lazy and take me for granted), My wants are more important than your wants or needs (I felt that I should feel bad for what I need and want because it isn't common to yours), Your opinion doesn't matter (I don't think these people cared what it was),  you always look for destructive relationships (I heard this from my brother and it came from a place of fear and lack of knowledge or experience) examples of when a D type was * yelling* (These people weren't in control and were flailing in their failures not mine, although misplaced it was devastating everytime), I have work tomorrow (being with you intimately isn't as important as me getting to bed early), I didn't have time (These people hurt because I didn't realize I was so needy of their time and it was such a chore or hassle to spare some of their most valuable resource for me.  Aren't I worth it?), I was too busy (These people still didn't hear me express my need for contact), Why didn't you do the dishes? (I felt these people didn't notice what I did but focused on what I didn't do), beg for me (Why do you want me to beg for something I don't want?), Your mine (Please I am flattered many are so interested in me and find me genuine but do to my obligation and subservient nature please don't try so hard to take the control from me)...    Well this journal is interesting for sure.  I am not sure what to think of it but I am learning I know that I am growing as well.

I had to add this :)  Randomly a nice person Emailed me this and it made my night :D Thank you That is the absolutely the best profile I have ever read and could only hope for a sincere and cute sub like you would serve me in my future .To say your one in a million would not be fair to you, you made this real man smile knowing you exist and there is hope in finding my hearts desire

Ohh Oohhh Madison from Kink and elsewhere is on Real Sex!!  I knew they were NEW episodes yay!!

Wow with all that has been going on I just realized it is my Bday on Monday :P

I originally wanted to post this on facebook so my friends and family could know that I am VERY serious about making this work.  I felt it was an innapropiate rash choice to make without his consent.  I just wanted people to know I fucked up and that I am sorry oh and that it wasn't the first time.  It is what we do after we fuck up that maters and I haven't been living up to that, but here is to doing it tomorrow and the rest of today as a start.    I am sorry to be typing this but I figured you may be an ear I can tug on.  That being said my Owner and self are having alot of vanilla type relationship issues.  We aren't able to properly maintain an Owner slave relationship and I think that may be part of what is being manifested.  I fucked up today and looked at his phone I never thought I would be that girl but I am.  Not that my reason justifies such a betrayl to my beloved but I look to get my fix of him through other peoples interactions with him.  He jokes around with other people in the forms of text and I don't get that from him, so I do it so I can fake an interaction with him.  I am glad that he can find that solace elsewhere I wish instead that it was me.  I need it to be me:(   I immediately approached him... well that wasn't the case I just didn't know what to do and I asked him to look at his phone because he always said I could, but of course he knew I had looked.  We talked about it at what could be the worse time ever but it seems all the time is the worst time with him having the bar.  It turns out due to his personality he is still feeling smothered because he needs alone time and it makes me sad but the only time he will sacrafice to have that it seems is ours.  I don't think he understands how that makes me feel.  Perhaps he does who knows.  Additionally we don't have alot of time to spend together but much more than in the past since the bar.    I put alot of pressure on myself to maintain the entire relationship in that amount of time and each other.  It is so important to me in that short amount of time that I at least get the important things off my chest you know but that usually can't happen and we certainly don't have time for the fun joking stuff.  It breaks my heart that I am not that person for him anymore and he isn't for me.  We have a blast everyonce and awhile but it is so hard to squeeze a whole relationship into that time period.  It reminds me of when I was married and deployed and never lived with my spouse.  There was just a certain protocol in that relationship I guess plus he wasn't dominant.    I can tell he is sooo tired of dealing with the same issues and so am I.  I am scared I am going to lose him forever this time as a consequence of my actions.  I know this is alot to digest but thank you for listening.

Forgivness is key and reflection will turn it.

I could have really used your company tonight. I can feel myself internalizing my feelings and crumble as they fester. I am entitled to having and expressing these complex emotions right now. I am acknowledging these are fleeting feelings and I will not let my self feel powerless and overwhelmed. Tomorrow I will wake up if I am lucky next to my Owner. I know he will make me a priority but I haven't really been opening up to anyone. I keep putting coping with my emotions off because of school or cleaning the apartment. It is selfish that I haven't reached out lately when I have been hurting so deeply. The problem is no ones seems to be able to relate to what I am experiencing. My patents have never divorced and I seem to be carrying such guilt and grief about losing my status of being a spouse. I am not quite sure why it was suggested that I am finally mourning the end of my marriage to my friend. We actually stayed friends until recently it has become apparent it is hurting him to be friends. I feel guilty to have any of these feelings after being at my Owners side for nearly two years. I worry he doesn't think I am committed and still wish to be with my vanilla husband. I feel like i have let my family down even though they have supported me from the start. I asked my friend if he forgave me for any ways he thought i had mistreated him and he assured me he had. Maybe how i feel right now isnt natural and maybe i was suppossed to be hurting like i am now a year or so ago. Maybe i wasnt suppossed to bend over backwards to do my best to remain friendd as we both had said we wanted to. It just makes me sad because i really do love him and miss having one of my best friends i grew up soo very much with. Food for thought, but I wish it were easier to digest. I plan to read this tomorrow and reflect on my feelings after I have slept.

As fucked up as this may seem I was just thinking to myself...I am going through the big D and I don't mean Dallas.  It really is just a paperwork technicality thing but that was the same reason we got married in the military to try to change my ex's orders.  Sigh humor can get you through everything.   On another note I am soo happy to be back.  Everyday has been more wonderful than the last :)  I buy into how my Owner feels about V-day now.  This year tomorrow seems just as exciting as anyother day of the year I am kneeling beside him.  I think I used to feel the need to compensate for the lack of romance or spice I have experienced in past relationships.  I don't feel unfullfilled even on the hard days, though there may be fleeting moments they come fewer and farther between than in the past.  I don't need V-day because we always make it a point to focus on little things like bringing his clothes to him in the shower or when he kisses me on the lips isnstead of the forehead.  We don't need V-day to express those feelings we do it year round.

I need a workout buddy :D I miss having fille to encourage her and support me during my workouts.  Sigh..

I am speechless... and so FRIGHTENED of my midterm next week. Ughh I did have an A but that whole 22/50 thing didn't help it much. Can you say 28 questions in 40 mins !! Quiz on 9 chapters and 20 pages OUCH okay I am done bitching just dissapointed

I am hornny but I didn't just come to journal about that ;) I came to talk about how happy of a girl I am today.  I gave my Owner according to him the best bj I have ever.  It was a fun one for sure I really felt it inside and out.  I pulled his cock out of my mouth so I could enjoy the taste, smell, and feeling of the cum on my face as I slept.  You know what I fell asleep and soundly slept there on his groing until the harsh light of day woke me :(  Last night was magic thank you for letting me worship your cock with my mouth Sir.

So here I am at Christmas needing and wanting.  I need to remember that my Owner worked so hard today and he deserves to sleep through the night.  I will be happy to talk to him tomorrow, if I get to that is.  I just can't help callig his phone just to hear his voie mail.  Perhaps I will go to a friend's Fbook page to see him say YAr.  I can't wait to once agian feel his hot breath on my neck or fist in my hair while he is enjoying himself at my expense.  I have loved him since the first conversation .. We were kids, at least much younger kids.  I remember talking to him for the first time.  The dynamic was intstantaneous.  He had... No, I gave him such power over me.  I wanted him to have it and I couldn't help it.   I don't have a choice I am his and that is that.  I know it sounds cliche but my resistance is in fact futile.  I have resisted before, or tried to lie to myself.  I thought a relationship with him wouldn't be "stable" or "secure".  My relationship with him may be more of a roller coaster but being at his side where I belong is worth the effort and all of myself that it may take.  He is the best insight I have to well me.  I am not sure what else to say except we are very fortunate even after all these diificult speed bumps and obsticales to have found each other.  I belong by his side and I will do my best to keep a positive additude and pespective in the comming months.  I have tried to live without him and he I.  It just doesn't work.  He isn't a Master without me or I a slave without him.

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