Spooksing

I'm such a slut.

Mistress had me "by the balls" so to speak of, and made me suck that huge dildo I had bought. Watery eyes, almost puked as I deepthroated the thing...

Also I am now under chastity punishment aswell. 5 days without jerking or sex...

And... my additional picture is now me taking the dildo into my mouth.  Face is not revealed, ofc.

Interesting times...

I have instructed to quit smoking. First day, all good, but I do have increasing desire to draw some of that sweet smoke into my lungs. So far I've been able to deny this from myself.

Mistress was pleased to see me work on my buttplug. Can't say its something I do gladly, but once again, I do as told. I don't wish to make Her angry. I did once already, and my time to train the butt was increased drastically...
Even with the increased time, my hole does try to reject the plug. Occasionally...

But I should be soon enough able to hold it inside me so I can work on my essay...

Yesterday...

I had the most thrilled chat with my Mistress, who was beyond dreams!

No doubt the most strict and demanding Mistress I've served, but who am I to deny Her rights? I merely follow the leash, for I have the collar.

Today... is more butt-training.. Also I shaved. More than just the beard... Instructed, like a good slave. Or so I hope Mistress will see me as such...

And, I wore my collar at work today also. Tightened around my leg, not neck. But I could feel the dog tag slightly touching my calf. I feared all day through it would fall, and humiliate me. Today was a lucky day...

Another day.

Naked cleaning with collar on booked for today, as well as a chance to release. Chastity was extended for the whole yesterday up to next full hour. I am counting minutes...

Still work to do, peasants and slaves alike are not allowed a chance to recover, too much anyway.

Submission.

One comes to realise this when wearing collar everyday. Typing essays for Mistress, doing as told every waking hour able to. Abusing oneself with all manner of humiliating tasks... and it has only begun. The control over my life is increasing every week, a bit by bit. A bite after bite devouring the essence of me, soul, self-esteem, me. No beeing that would value himself would let be drawn into this manner of perversions, self-humiliation. I am no longer one. I am something cast into darkness, begging Mistress for a bit of light, a bit of mercy.

Did I cast myself there? I took the first step into submission, so is it me to blame? I have broken myself, and Mistress if pulling together the pieces how She sees fit.

Around the time I wanted to release myself, I received new instructions... NO release for today. Darn, but orders are orders. I follow, like a good puppy.

Thats not all, however. Some more disciplinary instructions followed. Corner time for one hour, which I just recently finished. Stood naked, nothing but the collar on me, in a dark room, whimpering and begging out loud. Head bowed and hands behind my back, face towards to corner, just a few inches away from the wall.

At first it was arousal and excitement, but it lasted only .. who knows. As the time passed, my knees begun to ache, as well as shoulders and neck. Flexing was out of the question, and after awhile it only began to feel worse and worse. It took forever before alarm started to ring as a signal for my corner time ending. I exhaled in relief. Corner time is such a torment. I will need to watch my tongue, and fingers. I really don't want to earn another such punishment anytime soon... But part of me is glad for such obedience training. No question, it was earned.

Also, while I am not wearing dog-collar in public, new instructions came that I am to wear it on my leg, even while sleeping. So there is a perfect spot right under my knee, where I feel its pressence while moving. Constant reminder of my slavery. Submission.

Today:

Woke up, immediately placed dog-collar around my neck, and fired up my day routines for breakfast and stuff. Horny as hell, since I got a chance to rub the sausage without limits yesterday.

I have my essay to type, but it includes instruction I am trying to be able to accomplish. Wearing buttplug while typing it. Phew, doable, yet I would wear it down my sewers for quite awhile as the essay will be long one.

I suppose I save my wanking for later time today, only allowed to do it once. Which is very merciful of my Mistress. Could have been a lot worse.

Training hasn't included any self-inflicted pain much, so far. No doubt I will have to prove myself soon enough. Its all about mental bondage and obedience training so far. I find myself thinking about it very often, well I am wearing collar several hours everyday, hard for me to not think about it. Every hour so far has consisted thoughts of my tasks to complete. To forget them is hardly an option, I am driven into doing them with every chance I get...

Okay...

So I can release myself any given time today, as many times I want. BUT. Big But. A butt-plug.

Also with collar and penisring. Those two I was okay with, but the plug is just too darn much. Tried, and failed. I failed to keep him stiff after the plug. No success. To describe how I felt would not be justified by any words I could come up with. Sigh.

Edit: With some loosened restrictions to my masturbation instructions, I've been successful to accomplish it now!

Finally!

I was instructed on my release. It took only 20 seconds to get stripped and another 20 to point and fire. If you get my expression.

Even collected the "bullets" with my bare hand, consuming them like a hungry bitch, as I couldn't afford to let them found on me inperson. Also large array of "shells" flew on the floor. Those were naturally collected as I had no intention to leave anything to the crime scene. Ofcourse I did all this on my knees to avoid detection of higher beeings, and wore my collar around my neck as a disguise. First time for me, you know.. It made me gag quite formidably, but otherwise a perfect crime.

Feedback on my metaphor is greatly appreciated. 

Huge list of assignments has been given to me, luckily I have vast amount of free time to complete them.

Ugh. Another sleepless night, better than one before though. I think I woke up several times during the night, bizarre images rolling through my head... Erected everytime I woke, more or less. Heart racing like Usain Bolt.

On the other hand, I am looking forward of new weekly assignments... not to mention the instructions on how to release myself, at last... Also uploaded a video on my blog-site. Go check it out or don't.

Sheesh. I had a task to acquire a dildo for myself, among other things... Now, well, uh, oh.. I used the almighty internet to provide those... and, well, uh... It was supposed to be 17cm. But I don't know how 7 inches is actually same thing. That thing enormous. I. Am. Terrified...

As instructed by my Mistress, I've started my own blog. I have a bad feeling of how it will end on my behalf but I am inclined to obey, not to think.

http://sub-sing-sm.blogspot.com/

As new instructions came, I am now to wear my collar all the time while indoors. As a reminder of my position. The constant feel of it around my neck is exhilarating! Too bad its only made me more horny. I have actually a chance for a release this week... But it won't be without instructions. I feel the collar tighten around my neck, mentally... Should I be worried?

Tired.

I don't know when I fell asleep, but its getting harder and harder to achieve. Constant stream of sexual images in my head are keeping me awake. Blueballs taking me to sexual overdrive. I don't even dare to touch myself, as it could make it all much, much worse... I thought about new tasks, assignments.. arousal grew, even knowing this I couldn't help myself into not thinking about such things.

Even as I went outdoors for a smoke, like I do every morning... I woman was walking by far away, I could barely see her, but I heard the heels. It was enough to get my heart beating faster.. heavier breathing.. I would have added "cock getting harder", but it hadn't even gone soft yet...

Now, as a punishment for beeing unable to perform a task given by Mistress, I've been instructed not to message Her until 8:00 am monday. So... that leaves me with blueballs and ignored. I earned it, no questions asked.

Luckily I'm still holding with my chastity vow. I have no doubt punishment for that would've crushed me.. Not that I am holding very well with this one either, but somethings just need to be done.

And... as I am very active during the day, I had lots of displacement activities and was able to forget about the little fellow for awhile... its starting to get back to me.. I couldn't watch tv.. A single view of a woman had me stiff. It took 30 minutes of channel browsing to notice I can't control it. There is some much sexual in commercials these days... even the news anchor set me on fire. Formal wear and all, very unappealing, but still had me climbing the walls in frustration. And I've been outdoors, gardening, in cold air .. nothing is enough to distract me. Even groping my balls had them aching slightly. Even as I preview all of this writing in journal, it looks like ranting of a madman...

So perhaps, yes, chastity is driving me mad. A bit. I wasn't normal to begin with.

Sunday... Oh, the Holy day of inactivity. Too many hours in this day, and nothing else but constant desire to get a release. Somewhat hangoverish to actually do anything physical yet. Even though it could take my mind off thinking about release...

Might have been a mistake to browse message boards here for femdom pictures. I think so... yet I couldn't help myself from tormenting, teasing myself. Everytime I would find something interesting, that would get me excited so to speak, I closed to picture and restrained myself. After awhile, take another look of something else. And the circle was formed. Did this for an hour or close to that. I think I was ashamed to get aroused, since I didn't have means to defuse it...

Pathetic.

Maybe I try gardening a bit before it starts snowing...

Ugh. I failed my task... essay was horrible, even I think so... There just wasn't anything to write about. I wasn't going to make up details or such. Small essay about my life, 2000 words minimum.. mine was about one-third of that. Emailed it anyway.. I had somewhat limited time to type it all, as the gf is out for a walk with a friend and her dog... and I had to wear dog-collar while typing the essay. Not something I want to explain when she gets back...

Ye, once again, I know men are horrible. Well, not in general. Just me. Me. Blame me for living a double-life.

I'm just a dog chasing a car.

Let me make this perfectly clear. I do chastity and celibacy because I am told so. Its not about me and my nutsack, about enhancing my sexual experiences. Its about obedience. Discipline.

I would be a liar if I said I wouldn't like it. Ofcourse I do. But its also very agonizing to endure, yet rewarding at the same time. When I take my vow, I give my "releases" under someone else's control. Control. This is what it is about, giving thing I like for someone else to decide when and how to do it.

Okay, nearly a week of my celibacy. Those small things usually don't get me aroused, well... now they do. I have avoided every chance of sex or sexual activity with my girlfriend... I am such a douchebag. Luckily she was easily distracted, and went for a night in the city... While I remained home, wrote some of my next essay while wearing collar as instructed by Mistress. Men are pigs, ye I get you. Now the only problem is how to type rest of the essay while she is here... I still have to wear collar while writing it...

Also, my testicles are bursting.. changed underwear already once. Pre-cum ruined previous underwear. And I am actually thinking about the chance to get a release next week... painful thought. Its more painful mentally than physically. The constant thoughts of everything I adore about females and the fetishes... I wish I could brainwash myself somehow... Already smoked half a pack of cigars to calm the fire within me...

Today, I woke up at 05:15 am, first thing on priority list was 20 minute ice-cold shower. Ugh, I was already feeling a bit rundown, cold. As I went to bathroom with the thought, it just had to be done... As I turned water running, the spattering water was sending chills through my spine, and I wasn't even under it yet... I couldn't make myself step into the running water, so I fell to my knees and crawled in the pool of water, finally mustering enough courage to let myself get wet fully. By the gods, I froze. Standing on all fours, shivering uncontrollably... It took those 10 minutes to actually stand up and start spreading soap and shampoo. Not sure if those toes were starting to look blue or was it just my imagination...

Hot coffee and breakfast felt godlike after that. I am a northerner, usually cold weather and such things are meager annoyances to me. Not today, not today...

More updates incoming as I start up my other assignments...

Another day of celibate.. I was again ordered to take cold shower, at once I wake up. 15 minutes this time, gods it sent chills through my spine as I stepped under it. I took two photos of myself trembling, quality was crappy, but served the purpose, I suppose. Then I was to clean the house from roof to bottom, wearing nothing except my dog-collar. Vacuum-cleaning, swiping furnitures and the floor. Even cleaned toilet and every tub I had. Just for extra kicks I left sidedoor unlocked.. Sometimes my friends come over through that, without knocking or anything. Ofcourse I was almost certain they wouldn't, as it was 7 o'clock in the morning.

After cleaning I went for warmer shower, as it was permitted. 30 minutes of cleaning myself I sat down, put my dog-collar back on and started working on my essay for Mistress, named "Why I am such a perverted pig". 2000 words minimum, and it took 2,5 hours to type. I could hear my self-esteem cry out for mercy, as it crumbled and was eventually extinguished as I mailed my essay and shower-pictures to my Mistress. And I think this is still just the tip of the iceberg... I fear worse humiliation and abuse is yet to come. Dread, I am already working hard through these assignments, leaving only 1-2 hours for my personal life apart from real-life work. I revealed many dirty and dark secrets in my essay, and it left me wonder what else there could be. I'm sure my self-discovery on how perverted I am could prove harmful for me in the future... it is yet to be seen...

I am such a wuss. I made nipple clips from curtain clips and old necklace. Never have I worn such things... and as I introduced them to my mistress, I was at once ordered to wear them on for few minutes. No warm up or anything, I just placed them on. Oh, the pain. My judgement was way off.. they hurt, I tell you. I wore them the time I was ordered to, and this made me extremely aroused, something slimy even ejaculated into my pants... Oh god... My head was swiming in ecstasy and agony. Part of me wish I had never invented those, most of me is still in ecstasy. I keep repeating in my head the same question over and over again... when did I become this twisted.

Oh my... My Mistress has given me assignments for few days to come... and it made me pre-cum. I am so very ashamed on one hand, yet excited to get distractions from my penis. It is a blessing... or am I just that twisted I am no longer able to have normal reactions to such abuse and humiliation I am receiving?

Cold outdoors did help, for so very little. My little army of bubbleheads were crying out in the trenches, urging for a gesture to launch their assault. A vast number of them, only a code of honor keeping them from going rampage.

A figure of speech, but I'm sure everyone gets it.

Cold shower only lasted so little... celibate assignment is taking its toll... I am in a need of distraction. Otherwise I might become the animal following one's urges. Cold outdoors is what I am going to do...

And this is just the day number 4. Its thrilling, yet frustrating at the same time. One is honor-bound to follow rules, what ever it takes. Don't we all submissives agree to that?

Even from a distance, I am drawn to my Mistress like moth to a flame... cliche, I know. I get burned, I know. Every self-preservation instincts are alert, warning. But here I am, willingly submitting myself just because the flame is deadly and beautiful.

Today early day was slightly different than getting burned, though. I had my orders to take icy cold shower, at once when I was awake. So I was already feeling cold after long day of work and little sleep. Heck, I was shivering at the thought. Thinking is overrated, and in few minutes after waking up, I was standing under shower getting my cold shower. Needless to say, that was one heck of a wake up. Any stiffness I had, was gone. No filthy thoughts survived the bombardment of icicles on my flesh... After few minutes I wasn't even standing anymore, I was kneeling, for my knees had failed me by trembling uncontrollably... I lost the track of time, but finally alarm started to ring, and my time was up. I instantly hit the water off and went to dry myself... agony and rejoice. And it had only been so few minutes...

It's tough beeing a slave under strict rule. Its just day 2 and my thoughts wander... yes, chastity via honor.

Naturally my frustration makes me beg for the attention of my Mistress, yet I am mostly ignored. I believe I am a victim of mind games also... Male in me wants to beg more, maybe even a chance for relief. Submissive me wants to hold silence, accept my fate...

Once more updating my journal... I've been thinking about my childhood and what lead me to BDSM. I think its not just one thing, naturally, but a series of influence over long period of time.

Remembering my earliest memories, I think the first it was music video by 20 Fingers featuring Gillette "Short dick man".. Its nothing like those videos nowadays with BDSM-elements. But that was at the time, a very controversial video that had aspects of Female Supremecy and sexual objectification of men. Also that whip Gillette is holding. Its a symbol of BDSM nowadays...

" target="_blank"> - This is the video.

I have been instructed to update my journal on regular basis. I am thrilled, my experiences with online slavery has been very empty up until now. The several instructions I've received are just tip of the iceberg, I'm sure...

Ownership has been established over me. Do not bother trying to collar me, your attempt is futile.

I have a pending evaluation for training. I'm not looking for a Mistress. Feel free to poke or message me, but know I am beeing claimed.