smartrebel

Before you…
There was nothing.
But languishing,
complete utter loneliness.
Existence of quiet desperation.
Slow torturous death of soul dying
Unending reaching and climbing out of
the hole of depression, torn nails ripped from fingers,
flesh splitting from phalanges as I slide back
over and over in my desperation to escape
the slimy cold muddy grip of hell as it sucks me
into putrid purulent ooze
at the bottom of the dark well of nothingness.
I rail my rage against the night
And scream my despair
Until my raw bleeding throat cannot whimper any more.
But no one came for many decades.
And just when I am about to accept death’s merciful offer,
To give up the fight,
To accept the cold gift of death
Seeping into my bones, to fight no more,
To lie down for the final time
To end the ceaseless circles of thoughts
in my unending question of
Why me? What crime did I do to deserve this?

A glowing, golden hand
reaches down into the darkness
and pulls me out into light and life
warmth and love.
Lovingly washes my exhausted body
And soothes my festering soul.
Sets me upright upon on my feet
And says you are my beloved.

I have been languishing for forty seven years
For THE ONE.
Forty seven years of waiting, yearning
Feeling unending pain and suffering anguish.
Deathly tired of this burdensome weight I carry alone.
Waiting for
The trustworthy ONE to lean on
To carry me, to lead me
Away from loneliness
And the ache in my heart.
Instead of the gaping chasm in my breast
My loins empty but yet full of need.

O to have my body sing again,
To feel free, to feel pleasure
To release Control
My mind clear and unfettered with worry,
My only concern is your slightest displeasure.
My greatest pleasures your pleasure and your praise.
I delight in my submission next to your dominance.

I wish to serve
To give
To have a purpose for these idle hands
To gift me and my heart to THE ONE
Who is worthy of me, my ultimate gift.
I am not free,
I am more precious than diamonds, rubies, and gold
I am the most precious possession,
The rarest, greatest treasure in this world.
I must be earned.

I long for the time my blue eyes softly gaze into your heavenly visage
Making love with my eyes
As I worship you at your feet
As rub, kiss, lick, and suck adoringly your wonderous body.

I was recently reminded of some valuable lessons. Being a sub doesn’t mean I am a doormat to be abused. I will not accept abuse or isolation from the outside world or friends/ family.

 My submission is a valuable gift that must be earned. This means taking the time to get to know me as a person and taking the time for me to develop friendship, then trust and respect, and then my submission. To earn my submission I must be convinced that you truly care for my complete well being and that you have only the best intentions.  If you don’t want to take the time to do that, keep moving on.  

A hard limit is a hard limit for a very good reason. If you barely know me, and try to “push” my hard limits, expect to be rejected. I might reconsider my view on a hard limit only after my trust and submission have been earned and we have been together for a while. This will occur after much discussion and negotiations. I might change my mind…I have before on a hard limit.