girl understands that those of Y/you who have gotten the chance to talk to girl on a more personal level via phone or meetings are upset that girl is contemplating leaving this site but keep in mind Y/you still know how to contact girl outside this site.

The decision has been at the back of girl's mind for a long time, the only thing keeping girl here now is its been kind of interesting to see how far the internet bullies will go to drag another member down.

But, it all comes down to one thing.  Proof, girl received many cruel emails and her profile was reported 12 times in one day.  girl was able to prove who she was to the powers that be, can they?

So tired, the lethargy is bone deep.  What do you do when everything in your life falls apart?  I wanted to do it by myself but girl could have asked for help, my brother in law stops by every night after his patrol is over, now girl is afraid to ask.  girl is just so tired of being a bother.  My vacuum hasn't worked for a week, the twins are sick, the bathroom sink is clogged, girl got up this morning and realized the deep freeze isn't working.

I just want to sleep and the twins won't let me.  Everyday there's something new, things He always took care of.  Its like life is cruely reminding girl He's gone forever.  I didn't forget, how could I?

Anyways, some of the song requests are just too emotional for girl to play.  I'm sorry I just can't.

girl thought the worst was over but realized while looking at the calendar that O/our wedding anniversary is drawing near, it will be my first anniversary without Him.  i just want to sleep.

The last song sung was for ArsVivendi, girl hopes she didn't butcher it too much.  Blues really isn't girl's fortay.

So, anyways there you go.

The parade excited the twins, who never seem to want to crawl out of the stroller in the same direction, girl was so busy pushing the boys back into the stroller that it was kind of a shock to realize there were 8 or so men, ranging from their 20's to 70's in full uniform.  It was surreal, as if the world stopped turning and everything slowed as they raised their arms to salute girl and the boys.  Never let them see you cry, girl focused on the tree behind the men and managed to hold onto her tears until the Boy Scout troop dressed in various military uniforms,  no child should ever wear a military uniform not even for  a parade.  It was like a being punched in the stomach, the air knocked from my lungs, all girl could do was look at them and wonder what kind of parent?  And this woman leans over and tells girl, next year your boys will be walking well enough to be in the parade. 

Thats when girl lost it, I looked at this woman and asked her "Do you really think thats what my Husband died for?  You crazy bitch!  Over my dead body, not His sons, not ever!" over the top but all girl can think is oh God please not mine.

NOT MINE!!

girl wishes to apologize for any discomfort she caused her readers.  girl did not realize that the members of this site would be so upset over an email sent by one so ungrateful of the sacrifices made to protect our liberties and freedoms.  girl has however decided to let the words of Benjamin Franklin stand, it seems fitting given the upcoming holiday.

God grant that not only
the love of liberty
But a thorough knowledge
of the rights of man
May pervade all nations
of the earth, so that
A philosopher may set
his foot anywhere
On its surface, and say,
"This is my country."

Benjamin Franklin

From the minute i learned Sir was to be deployed i started counting in my head.  Four months until He leaves, months turned to days then hours, minutes until He hugged me goodbye.  The counting didn't stop, it just evolved and changed to fit my need, reverting back to months, weeks, days till Sir returned home.  Then the knock every military wife dreads in the back of her mind but refuses to acknowledge.  Now i count how many minutes, hours or days i go before breaking down into tears.

i had only met my in-laws for a brief period before O/our wedding and we never really had the chance or will to sit down and have a conversation, i knew how they felt about Sir marrying a girl so much younger then He and no real family ties.  Its hard to mask the frown of disapproval.

So, i was shocked when they showed up un-announced to help me with the twins and the funeral arrangements.  Not just Sir's mother and father but all of them, brother's, sister in law's, neices, nephews.  i've never seen anything like it, while heartbreaking there was something about the sheer force of numbers that brought comfort.

i've grown very close to my mother in law over the past few months and jumped at the opportunity to sale O/our house and moved the twins and myself to the small farming community to be near our new family.

At first it was a little overwhelming, unpacking, the twins (14 months old and into everything), trying to decide if i should further my education or get a job or focus on raising O/our son's, neighbor's coming over at all hours to drop off food, welcoming us, sending their condolances, sharing stories of Sir's younger days. 

And then there are days like today, no knocking at the door, the twins are with grandma who's decided momma needed some time to herself and I did.  Its not a good day nor is it a bad day, sometimes you have to just be grateful for that.