SirsLittlesub

Female Submissive, 40, NW, Missouri

Male Dominant, 44, Pine Grove, Pennsylvania

Male Dominant, 41

I need to know that I?m worth your time. I need to know that I am worth your energy. I need to know that I am worth it. I NEED to know it. Even though I may be difficult to handle, contradictory, over-emotional, and over-reactionary at times; too needy, too clingy, too na? at times; triggered by the past, judging incorrectly, or assuming sometimes; defiant, pushy, bull-headed, and bratty; I still need to know that I?m worth your time, worth your energy, worth your effort. I need to know that I?m worth it. Because if I give you my submission, it means that I?ve decided that YOU are worth MY time and energy and effort. It means that I have decided that you are worth being put at the top of my list. It means that I have decided you are worth the fear of another heartbreak; that you are worth the tears, the pain, the break-throughs; that you are worthy of my vulnerability. It means that I have decided you are worthy of seeing inside a little deeper (or a lot deeper). It means that I have decided that you are worth the difficulty of holding myself, my heart, open to you while you look, poke, prod, push buttons, and possibly re-arrange a little. It means that I have decided that you are worthy of the position of being able to help mold me along on this journey. It means that I have decided that your opinion, above that of others, is important to me, very important to me, and it will impact me much greater than any other opinion. I need to know that I am worth it. I need to know that YOU are worth it. I want to take the pain for you, if that is what gives you pleasure. I want to wear your bruises. I want to take the torture from you; even those things that I seriously dislike, hate, or am terrified to try; but I need to know that I am doing so for your pleasure and enjoyment, that you ARE getting enjoyment out of it, and I need that reassurance often. I need to know that I am worth it; that I am worthy. I need to know that I have been pleasing. I like pleasing others; I like serving others; I like fetching and showing my skills and doing the brunt of the work while another is allowed to relax. It fulfils me in a way that I am not fully able to articulate. I want to be of service. But it is give-and-take; power-exchange. I need the reassurance that I am doing a good job in my service in order for me to be able to continue. I need to know that I am ?worth it? in your eyes. Tell me I am worth it. When I submit, I hold myself open to you; past fears and insecurity; past anger and reactions; past old wounds and confusion; I hold my heart, my body, my mind, open to you to play with. I need to know that YOU are worth that effort. Show me that you are worth it. I will give because giving of myself is what courses through my veins; it is what makes me whole; it is what I am ? but in the end, I need to be reassured that I am worth it. I can be quite a pain in the ass; defiant & bull-headed; contradictory in whether or not I want dominance; hormonally a bitch; instantaneously difficult to handle because I?ve had too much stimulation; afraid at strange moments because of my past (or my psychological state); lazy, sloppy, forgetful and wrong. But through it all, I give of myself fully ?the good with the bad. It?s not easy to be with me but? I need to know that I am worth it. I can count on one hand the number of relationships I have been in. Each one broke my heart in some way. (Sometimes, the heart needs to be broken open so that the light can get back in; I?ve had that.) I have been cheated on, multiple times, and it hurts. When you cheat on me, I internalize that I am not worth it and that you have chosen another who IS worth it ? your time, your sexuality, your energy, your affection, your closeness, your dominance, your thoughts. When you chose another over me, I internalize that I have failed and that you have decided (even if just for the hour, evening, or timeframe) that I am not worth it. It sticks with me that you chose another, that I was not worth it. [NOTE: "Cheating" is extremely different than engaging in healthy, respectful, loving, and honest Poly relationships.] Tell me that I am worth it. I NEED to know that I am worth it. I play hard and I like to take pain, bruises, marks, sometimes even permanent marks and blood, for the person I?m playing with. It is a lot of work for you to beat me up, break me down, tear me apart, and then build me back up from the ground (and, oh yes, that last bit is a necessary element to playing with me). It is a lot of work for me to take your blows ? whether it?s a primal take-down scene, or my simply taking severe pain, or my holding still for something specific, or some other form of submission to your specification ? cooking, cleaning, listening, writing, smiling, dancing, learning, growing, changing, striving to be better and better. It is a LOT of work. I need to know that I am worth it. I need to know that you are worth it. I am an unfinished product; I am still trying to figure myself out; I am in need of work ?some would say a LOT of work; if I submit to you, you will have a hand (to one degree or another) in putting the finishing touches on me, in helping me to become a better me, in guiding me along on my path. This is not an easy task. I need to know I am worth the effort. I need to know you are worth the risk. I have opened my heart up to some. I have had my heart squished, dropped, and stabbed. I?ve even been told, ?You?re not worth it,? ? and, oh boy, that fucking HURT. When I submit, on any level, it is with my heart in hand; the degree to which I submit will dictate the degree to which I ?open? my heart to you. I have worked hard to ensure that my heart does not form an ice shell (again). If I choose to open my heart to you, show me that you are worth it. There is going to be pain, heartache, disappointment, anger, confusion, frustration, irritation; there is going to be smiles, laughter, giggles, hugs, snuggles, caresses, kisses, and amazing moments that cannot be put into words; there are going to be difficult times, situations, moments, and scenes; it is going to be hard - and a lot of work. I need to know that I am worth it. All of it.

We split last night over horrendous circumstances. I feel as if I'm doomed to repeat my past I'm every stupid fucked up relationship I get in. I seem to always fall for the bad boys The ones with the anger problems and the hostility The controlling ones. It always ends in a fight. I'm marked for a bit as are they. But those marks go away. The wounds I have are on the inside. The ones that never heal. I will move on eventually but I can't ever completely forget them. It wasn't always bad. I can never heal fully. What doesn't kill you doesn't make you stronger, it fucks you up mentally...

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