sirjake1379

I often use the words 'play' and 'take and use' in describing My intent.

When children play, they either play together or with a toy. When I play, My partner IS the toy. I take and use that toy as I wish, consistent with the limits (or lack of limits) established. Further, I have always taken pride in My toys - and take care of My toys. A broken toy is of no use.

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SAFEWORDS

D/s is a unique partnership between a Dominant and a submissive. As such, there are no universal 'right ways' or 'wrong ways' - simply O/our ways. When it comes to safe, sane and consensual play however, I must say it is simply 'right' for Me, and one of the core characteristics that drive My `dominance`is a need to protect My partner. I therefore offer the following thoughts - My thoughts - on safewords to the community at large.

Safewords are critical to the D/s relationship, and particularly in the beginning I review them often, if not every session. 

These words are not to be used lightly, as such use will impinge on the psychological, physical and emotional enjoyment of the activity. 

My Safewords           RED           YELLOW

When I am taking and using you, should a situation arise where you are pushed to the point of exceeding your outer levels of comfort, you will say ‘red’ and I will stop immediately. 

In fact, this is such a serious matter that I will stop so that W/we can discuss and resolve the issue, but W/we will NOT resume play again until the next time W/we meet. 

Should your level of discomfort be short of a ‘red’ condition, you will say ‘yellow’ at which point W/we can discuss what it is that is bothering you and then resume once W/we have resolved the issue. It may be as simple as a leg cramp … or that I am taking you dangerously close to where you would be yelling ‘red’ should I continue. 

Neither red nor yellow are to be used in a cavalier fashion. Such use will force Me to take remedial steps or to suspend O/our relationship, as it would at that point be clear that the relationship is unworkable - and that does not imply whose fault that might be. In fact, it would likely be neithers' fault - it would be the simple fact that O/our needs/desires simply do not match as closely as W/we had hoped, or that those needs/desires are not being communicated clearly. 

Note that the words ‘stop’, ‘halt’ or the like will have no effect. your use of such words will be seen by Me as part of your fantasy, and will spur Me to further efforts

 I am hopeful, having reviewed your checklist carefully, that the chance of discomfort due to the nature of what I do with you and to you is minimal. Regardless of that, as W/we gain experience together and develop mutual trust and levels of understanding, the richness of O/our D/s experiences will grow and the odds of encountering a situation requiring a safeword (other than due to physical discomfort) will decline and almost disappear. At that point (a point in the future), looking back at your checklist you will very probably find that what are limits today have been `pushed` in a way that enriched, enhanced and solidified O/our D/s partnership immeasurably.

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PAIN 

In the vanilla world, pain has two main characteristics: it is undesirable and varies in intensity. ‘Intensity’ is a subjective term relative to the bearer’s tolerance for it. When it comes to bdsm and D/s in particular ‘pain’ is commonly misunderstood, largely because of the complex interactions associated with it and many peoples’ tendency to oversimplify by assuming their definition matches everyone else’s definition. 

If you read My other posts you will know that I believe D/s is a deeply personal relationship between a Dom(inant) and sub(missive). There are no rules other than those that work for the partners. What follows is therefore not offered as the final word on pain, but rather as an incomplete collection of thoughts and observations.  

sadists 

Sadists take pleasure from inflicting physical or emotional pain on others, and perhaps watching pain being inflicted on others. The key element is that the ‘receiver’ must be clearly experiencing pain that is being inflicted. Watching someone dance around because s/he has hit their thumb with a hammer does not create the pleasure that a sadist derives from forcing a person to put their thumb on a table and then picking up a hammer and smacking that person’s thumb. I oversimplify, but you get the picture.  

masochists 

Masochists take pleasure from being physically or emotionally abused by others or by subjecting themselves to physical or emotional abuse. Is the pain itself pleasurable to a masochist? Complicated question, but many self-labelled masochists I have known over the years indicate that they do feel pain and that feeling of pain is essential for them. The pain, however, is so closely intertwined with pleasure that they cannot readily separate the two. That is why a ‘painslut’ needs a sadist as a partner (and vice versa) in order to enjoy an ongoing, mutually satisfactory relationship. The desire to inflict and the desire to receive pain must still be relatively in sync, as anything short of that will result in one-sided pleasure of a temporary (or non-consensual) nature.

what is ‘pain’ to some is ‘pleasure’ to others  

This is somewhat self-evident, and makes the question ‘do you enjoy pain?’ an impossible one to answer. A more workable question might be ‘how do you define pain and where does it fit in to your D/s needs?’  

Take flogging, for example. The term itself sounds threatening (or exciting) to the uninitiated, yet flogging as a bdsm activity covers a huge spectrum. It can be purely sensual in nature, lightly applied to very sensation-tolerant areas of the body. It can be applied gently at first and then increased slowly in intensity in such a way and to a certain level where it is still not painful to the recipient, but where it would have been had it started at that level. It can leave few or no marks, or it can leave marks that last for longer periods of time. Spanking is similar.

Caning, on the other hand, generally comes into play when the partners seek a sharper, clearer pain sensation. It can bring a bent-over recipient to his/her knees, leave marks that last for days or more and easily result in bruises and/or broken skin. 

context / setting

Pain is contextual in the sense that what is ‘painful’ in a vanilla setting might be pleasurable in a D/s setting. This can be seen, as an example, when humiliation or psychological pain is brought into the mix.  

Being face-slapped in a D/s context might be quite erotic to a submissive while devastatingly painful in a vanilla setting. Hair pulling, spanking and being forced to stand in a corner are other examples.  

need to bear it as a gift 

Again, I have heard submissives often (not always – this is not a ‘measure’ of one’s ‘submissiveness’) express the pleasure and pride they derive from receiving – and accepting – punishment or pain from their Dom/me partner. Again, a complicated set of perceptions, feelings and emotions that include the belief that such actions by their Dom/me proves that their Dom/me loves them, cares for them or is simply paying attention to them.

endorphins – how pain connects to pleasure

This is the scientifically-oriented element that relates closest to the physical side of the whole pain/pleasure topic. When you consider endorphins and the role they play within the human body, you can begin to understand how an emotional/psychological connection between pain and pleasure can develop, and how complicated this becomes since each of us is unique. I encourage you to do more research on the topic if you are still curious. 

Here it is: Endorphins are neurotransmitters produced by the pituitary gland and the hypothalamus during exercise, excitement, pain, consumption of spicy food, love and orgasm. They resemble opiates in their ability to reduce the sensation of pain and increase the feeling of well-being.  

conclusion  

This was not intended to be a comprehensive or definitive discourse on the subject of pain. I do hope, however, that it has presented the concept that ‘pain’ is not a simple, black and white term. Within a D/s context, it is important (in my opinion), at least at the outset, that the partners consider where each stands in relation to ‘pain’ and that the understanding derives from a discussion of the above topics at minimum.

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HUMILIATION, NOT DEGRADATION

Warning: Erotic humiliation is a form of edge play, and as such extra care must be exercised in its use.

I see a distinct difference between humiliation and degradation. The distinction between them may be lost in the vanilla world – both are distasteful in that milieu – but in the world of BDSM the difference is important.

Erotic humiliation, in a BDSM context, is a consensual activity; note the word ‘consensual’. As such, it is an agreed-upon activity subject to limits and like other types of BDSM activities, the outcome may very well depend on the skill level of the Dom.

Let Me provide a few examples.

Being told to say aloud, ‘i am Daddy’s little fuck toy’ may be wildly erotic to the same submissive that is crushed by hearing the Dom say ‘your tits look like two empty enema bags.’

Similarly, the sub who gets wet with a ritual that requires her to say ‘i am Daddy’s little fuck toy’ as a greeting to her Dom may be destroyed if required to say it in front of other people.

Get the point?

It is up to the Dom to understand that a sub’s desire to be humiliated is not a blanket authorization to apply psychological abuse, and that such a request by a sub (to be humiliated) must be carefully explored first and even then acted upon cautiously. A mistake can be devastating to the relationship, but even more importantly it can be as damaging, psychologically, to the submissive as a mistake with a single-tail whip can be, physically.

How does a skilled Dom exercise caution? Here are some examples:

1. use a detailed checklist that includes references to humiliation, verbal and physical, as well as the settings
2. ask the submissive for a few examples of what is humiliating, and start with those.
3. watch the submissive carefully for early signs of distress if and when new forms of humiliation are introduced
4. specifically review safe words before play begins, and if not part of your usual practice introduce an intermediate safe word (like ‘yellow’ in the ‘red/yellow’ system) so that the submissive can clearly signal discomfort – and encourage the submissive to use that intermediate safeword if needed.
5. be aware that certain types of physical play may also provide the humiliation the submissive is seeking, such as being instructed to masturbate for you or subjecting the sub to an over-the-knee spanking
6. be aware that humiliation play over the internet or phone carries the danger that the Dom cannot see the early signs of distress – therefore only use words that have already been provided by the sub, or words that have been tested in face-to-face play

So … some submissives find humiliation highly erotic.

Your challenge as a Dom is to find out what that means, exactly, and to explore in a safe, sane and consensual manner.

LIMITS

I believe that D/s is a highly personalized relationship between a Dominant partner and a submissive partner. To the extent that the relationship is personalized, it cannot be objectively viewed or judged through the lens of the behavior patterns of others engaged in the lifestyle.

The following comments regarding limits are therefore NOT intended to serve as guidelines or even suggestions as to how others conduct their power exchange relationships. These are My personal views, which may be of comfort – or discomfort – to any submissive who might find My profile interesting to this point.

Before venturing further, on a ‘technical’ note, I use a rather simple means to determine the general nature of a submissive’s limits – a BDSM checklist. It is a rather long list (over 300 activities) yet is far from exhaustive, and serves not only to establish limits in both a general and specific sense, but to catalogue actual experiences as opposed to not-yet-explored activities.

Now to continue - a submissive’s limits are of interest to Me for many reasons, but three of the most important are:

First, if I am considering exploring a relationship (or any type of play) with a submissive, their limits are a general indicator as to whether there is an alignment between O/our needs/wants and interests. As the Dominant partner, I believe it My responsibility to establish commonality and plan any activities accordingly.

Second, I find particularly illuminating the consideration of a submissive’s limits in concert with the self-identified nature of their submissive persona (see My journal entry: bottoms / submissives / slaves). I hold no preconceived, rigid opinions as to an appropriate alignment between the limits and the persona of the submissive, but consistent with My need for a partner exhibiting a robust intellect, I take great pleasure in probing and discussing psychological needs within the context of these two parameters. A side benefit of this discussion / exchange is the determination of the submissive’s ability (or potential) to share their erotic soul in an uninhibited and open fashion, which is important to Me.

Third, as humans O/our needs/wants and interests change over time. The ability to go back periodically and see how these changes might have affected limits is an interesting option.

Although I have been asked to complete a checklist and share the results, I must admit I have never formally done so. As the Dominant and responsible partner in a D/s relationship, I do not believe that completing and sharing 'My' bdsm checklist is advisable or even useful. Instead, I am comfortable laying out My own personal limits in the following way:

1. I will not engage in any activity that ‘outs’ My submissive’s D/s lifestyle to family, friends, business associates or other sensitive non-lifestyle people, including but not limited to engaging in any activities that result in permanent (or temporary) marks lesions or whatever that will ‘out’ My submissive’s lifestyle
2. I will not engage in any activity that could reasonably expose My submissive to legal issues
3. I will not engage in any form of sexual activities with minors
4. I do not engage in blood play, nor activities involving piercing or cutting
5. I will not engage in activities that result in permanent physical damage
6. I will not engage in scat play

I do have others, but these certainly describe the general nature of the limits I will not exceed.

BOTTOMS, SUBMISSIVES, SLAVES

As much as I hate labels, simply because they tend to be misunderstood shortcuts to major misunderstandings, they have a purpose if carefully defined and used by individuals who agree on the definitions.

My purpose here is not to provide all-encompassing labels for the overall use of the various lifestyle communities but to simply put down in words what these particular terms mean to Me. There is no other reason than to provide a context for those who choose to communicate with Me.

A ‘bottom’ – in My view – is a more-or-less vanilla person who takes pleasure from engaging in the receiving end of BDSM activities. There needs be little or no emotional attachment to whoever is ‘topping’ or conducting the activity, and in fact in many cases anyone will do. The psychological element of serving another is not part of the bottom’s motivation. The bottom may or may not be a switch – meaning that they alternate between the ‘top’ and ‘bottom’ roles as their mood or the situation dictates, and they may or may not also be masochistic.

Again – in my view - I see different ‘levels’ of submissive. Without any prejudice intended, I will label them as ‘level 1’ and ‘level 2’.

Both level 1 (L1) and level 2 (L2) subs have a desire to submit to another person. For the L1, this desire to submit may be satisfied in a truncated fashion – brief, specific time periods with a detailed and lengthy set of limits, rules and caveats to which they expect the Dominant to adhere. For the L2, the desire to submit is stronger and the time periods tend to be longer with a shorter list of limits, rules and caveats. The L2’s submission may spill over into time periods which are primarily ‘vanilla’ in nature, with certain aspects of their behaviour still controlled by (and for) their Dominant. Generally speaking, there is a partnership or level of ongoing commitment between the submissive and their Dominant. That commitment may or may not include a collar.

The slave – again, in My view – has the desire to submit in a fashion beyond that of the L2 submissive. The slave’s submission is closer to, if not completely, limitless. Their offer or gift to their Dominant is complete, so they are therefore subject only to the Dominant’s personal limits. To Me, the key to this relationship is the extremely close nature of the partner’s desires, and the slave’s overwhelming desire to serve / satisfy the desires of the Dominant. Some see the slave as a live-in arrangement with a complete focus on serving the Dominant partner, but I do not see that as a determining factor. To Me, it is the desire to serve and the absence of limits that are the hallmarks of the slave.

Let Me repeat what I said at the outset – My purpose in writing this is to simply put down in words what these particular terms mean to Me, and even so I do not see hard and fast boundaries between these definitions. I do this for no other reason than to provide a context for those who choose to communicate with Me

'Sir', 'Master' or 'Hey You!'

I’m from the ‘old school’, which means My experience in the D/s lifestyle predates the advent of the internet. In fact, that experience (and its impact on Me) is strong enough that I remain untainted by the practices exhibited in chatrooms; practices that some people confuse with reality. 

And therein lies a problem, as I tend to refer to Myself as ‘Sir’ in correspondence within the lifestyle. 

More than one submissive has advised Me, in no uncertain fashion, that they refuse to bend to poseurs (wannabe Doms) who demand to be addressed as ‘Sir’ and who subject submissives to outrageous and outright presumptuous, uncivil demands. To that, I say BRAVO! 

The title ‘Sir’, prior to the internet, was a presumptive term used within the lifestyle by submissives addressing or referring to a Dom; it certainly did not confer automatic rights of any demonstrative nature. It was a term of respect based on the assumption that the Dom (yes, perhaps self-proclaimed) was a gentleman and behaved in a gentlemanly manner. 

Most submissives chose to use that honorific term from the point of first meeting a Dom, until such time as he demonstrated that he was NOT a gentleman – or at least not a gentleman within the scope of the accepted practices if the lifestyle. It is important to note that there were no penalties attached to the choice to NOT address a Dom as ‘Sir’, unless of course the submissive belonged to a Dom who instructed her otherwise. 

Here is the point that I found, and still find, interesting about this approach. When a submissive has, and exercises, the free choice to refer to a self-proclaimed Dom as ‘Sir’ it reinforces gentlemanly behaviour by a Dom – assuming He takes pride in such recognition. And pre-internet chatroom days, gentlemanly behaviour meant a number of things, among which:

- Doms did not have a presumptive right to the services of any person self-identifying as a submissive

- Doms never, ever ‘came on’ to another Dom’s submissive

- Doms felt duty-bound to assist a submissive with respect to any questions or concerns they may have regarding the lifestyle

- Doms were careful to understand limits, and adhere to those limits 

These are a few examples of behaviour that was expected of a Dom; a Dom who might be referred to (again, on a presumptive basis until proven otherwise) as ‘Sir’. 

Now – do I expect to be referred to as ‘Sir’? 

No. And I feel that is a sad state of affairs, the result of rude and abusive behaviour by wannabe Doms taking their lead from what they see in internet chatrooms. 

So … if you are a submissive and it bothers you to refer to Me, or any other self-proclaimed Dom you do not know personally, as ‘Sir’, I understand completely. you will get no argument from Me. 

All I ask is that if you correspond with Me and find that I am worthy of your respect as a Dom that you then refer to Me as ‘Sir’ until such time as I abuse that respect. Remember that the simple use of the term ‘Sir’ confers no special privileges unless you choose to grant specific privileges – it is by itself a presumptive honorific only. 

So, where does the term ‘Master’ fit into the scheme of things? 

Again, prior to the internet, ‘Master’ was a term reserved for the use of a collared submissive in referring only to that submissive’s Dom. The use of the term ‘Master’ by a submissive when referring to another Dom was considered poor form, if not rude; it was, quite simply, unheard of. 

I am not on a crusade here. I simply wish, by means of this posting, to let people know that there was a point in time when the D/s lifestyle was predominately populated by people who valued manners, honour and common values.

THOUGHTS ON 'MY D/s' AND 'THE ONE I SEEK'

Before reading this, please read ‘Intellect and the Domme Experience’

It’s not easy – and is in fact somewhat risky – to share inner feelings and experiences, but that is what in fact lies at the heart of a D/s relationship. The final achievement of that ability (for it is an ‘ability’) is the product of practice and trust, which only evolves over time; like the shared movements of a waltz led by one partner and followed capably and surely by the other partner.

The great misconception regarding D/s is that it is something that the Dom wrests from an unwilling, struggling sub. Such is the fiction of scenes in D/s chatrooms, and it is a fiction that prevents too many people who might enjoy the D/s lifestyle from ever actually experiencing it.

One who has walked in the shoes of a Dom/me understands the process of training – communicating – in a clear fashion exactly what it is that they desire of the submissive. And chances are excellent that through that experience, the Dom/me has suffered the frustration of dealing with a ‘submissive’ who is simply incapable or unwilling to elevate the submissive end of the waltz to the heights which can be achieved – and constantly exceeded again and again - by the partnership. There lies in those 'subs' the lazy sense that they are simply in the partnership to - well, to simply 'be there'. The same laziness lies in the Dom/mes who somehow believe their role is simply to ‘take’.

Herein lies the crux of the matter.

At the heart of the submissive is the need to serve selflessly, unquestioningly and immediately – with all the submissive’s abilities – the instructions of the Dominant partner. A submissive who has previously experienced a D/s partnership from the Dom/me side understands the uplifting effect of the skilful application of this ability on the partnership. The more completely and skilfully the submissive can achieve this level of service, the more completely can the Dom/me extract, effectively, pleasure from the sub’s service … and the more pleasure can the sub extract and experience from the sense of pleasure the sub has made possible for the Dom/me … and the more completely can the Dom/me extract, effectively, pleasure from the sub’s service … and on and on and on.

There is, of course, a mirror side to this image.

An intelligent, strong, intuitive and secure Dom/me sets the stage for the partnership by guiding the submissive skilfully in the movements of the waltz. The Dom/me does so by understanding the psyche of the submissive, respecting the limits of the partnership, expressing the pleasure S/He is experiencing from the sub’s service – and by taking and using the submissive as the principal source of that pleasure. The more completely and skilfully the Dominant can achieve this level of control, the more completely can the submissive become the principal source of the Dom/mes pleasure, which of course is the driving need of the submissive … and the more pleasure the Dom/me receives, the more the Dom/me takes and uses the submissive as the source of that pleasure, which of course is at the same time satisfying the driving need of the submissive …

As poorly expressed as they may be, those are the dynamics of the D/s relationship I seek. The analogy I favor is that the partners are complementary halves of the same coin.

Again, thoughtful consideration will lead to an understanding of where the following concepts fit into the waltz. A philosophical discussion between the Dom/me and the submissive (yes – thoughtful discussions are permitted between Doms and subs) will result in an even greater understanding of their function.

• safe words
• limits
• needs vs wants and the non-judgemental acceptance of same
• ability to communicate effectively
• ability to ‘gift’ fantasies, thoughts, emotions, desires, needs in a transparent fashion

There are more, but those serve as examples.

And, once again, I will state that intellect is the first requirement in the submissive I seek. Prior experience as a Domme is helpful in my opinion, but useless without the accompanying intellectual capability I need.

The one I seek is:

A submissive whose D/s needs are completely met by the ways in which I take and use her our needs must therefore be complementary and in alignment

A submissive whose gift of submission is made more valuable by her independent sense of self-worth and achievement outside of the D/s lifestyle that is clear to ‘others’ as well as to Me

DADDY DOM

Now, for the record, let Me state clearly that any interest I have in a Daddy Dom relationship is NOT based on any type of incest (no interest), diaper (no interest) or ‘under age of consent’ play (no interest). I perceive a clear difference between your father and someone who would be considered a father figure as well as between a person above the age of consent and one who craves to be treated like a juvenile (no interest) or infant (no interest). Sorry, that is just Me. The Daddy Dom orientation that works for Me is a relationship based on nurturing, concerned control mixed with kinky desires. That is a psychological mindset rather than one necessarily based on an actual chronological age difference. To make Myself clear, there may be an age gap but it is not necessary to have an age gap to engage in a Daddy Dom relationship. A submissive close to My own age who is seeking a Daddy Dom is of definite interest to Me. 

While there are undoubtedly many reasons for genuine chronologically age-gapped relationships (as evidenced more recently by the emergence of the ‘cougar’) I must say that I have never personally been one to give age difference as a factor in and of itself a positive importance. For one thing, the generation gap is a significant obstacle in terms of shared experience. The latest trends in popular music, for instance, leave me cold. 

However, given that I am attached and not seeking to replace what I have there, I do not feel the need to develop another relationship based on anything other than mutual erotic exploration and satisfaction. Therefore, given my long-term experience and passion for Domination/submission and bondage/discipline I can also see the possibility of an age-gapped relationship being mutually satisfying under those conditions – being that I will NOT be listening to rap music, playing video games or other, similar activities. 

So, a significantly younger female partner would first of all need to be satisfied with her current status - be it married, attached or otherwise being in a position where she is not seeking a long-term relationship outside of one intended to satisfy her erotic needs and desires. Secondly, to make the partnership work for both of us her needs and desires would have to be driven by interests in BDSM that match Mine.

And that leads back to age. The most natural pairing in a Daddy Dom context (for Me) occurs regardless of chronological age (only if older than the age of consent) as long as the contemplated relationship revolves around the need for a father-figure within that BDSM context.  

Rather than working at a sexual relationship with a twenty-something partner in a context other than that described above, my preference would be with someone older than that who also shares an interest in the BDSM lifestyle.

Intellect and the 'Domme' experience

Intellect is a critical attribute of the submissive I seek. It is also quite probable (but not necessary) that she will have at some point been a Domme prior to now realizing and accepting her submissive needs.

Why a Domme?

First, a Domme has experienced the challenges of being an effective dominant first-hand. Second, from that perspective she understands what a D/s relationship can be, and appreciates what it takes from both sides.

Such a former Domme recognizes and appreciates the mutual significance of sophistication, confidence and self-worth to the relationship. This appreciation thereby enhances the inherent value of the gift of her own submission – the deeper her submission reflecting, of course, the greater value of her gift.

Perhaps I am misguided, but I believe my ideal partner will likely have that Domme background. she will definitely have an uncommonly developed intellect. Intellect, in the right lady, can quite possibly make redundant the experience of having been a Domme.

It is my intent to find one who, through the gifting of her submission, finds her completion in My taking and using her for My pleasure.

By the way - there are those who contend that an effective Dom/me must have at one time walked in the shoes of a submissive. I am not certain about that contention, but have two rather personal experiences along that vein that I may share in some future post.

D/s Is A Waltz

D/s is a waltz, and somewhat more. It takes two partners perfectly matched not only in physical ability, but also in that greatest of erogenous zones, the mind.

The partners are mirror images of the same entity - one dominant and one submissive - but their existence only takes form once they find each other; for one is nothing without the other, the equivalent of one hand clapping.

The search is always a difficult one, and requires the investment of whatever time and effort necessary to find the right partner.

Try to hear the music ... someone is holding their hand out to you - take a few steps to see if there are the beginnings of a rhythm between Y/you. you need not fear if you do not easily recognize the steps, as long as you sense the presence of an experienced and confident leader ...

because He will know the way, and allow you to break off the dance at any point you choose.