sinsasuablesub

Every song I hear on the radio speaks to me.  Should I stay or should I go?  Am I in love or am I in lust?  Have I lost my mind or am I a glutton for punishment?  Do I want to be the person he wants me to be?  How can I determine that when I don’t know what it is that he wants?  I have entered a true house of domination.  One where nothing on the outside matters and everything on the inside is ruled by the Master of the house.

This is not what I expected.  A complete 180 from my life from before.  I have never had the illusion that I would one day return to domination.  I had it in my head that I was retired and a thing of the past.  My X husband drilled it into me that it was wrong as well as other mentors in my life.  Besides I had a lovely career to support me so I didn’t think I would go back to it again.

I had no idea about what lied underneath the surface of my skin or my cranium.  Something was alluring bringing me back to it. It was the fact that I could not get off  unless totally enthralled by a hardcore S/M video or that for the past year I was in denial that I had been trying to find someone who would collar me and make me their own.  But as things go I thought it and so I did manifest it into reality.  I found someone to make me a true slave.  I didn’t know what that meant when we got started.  But I know now.  Knowing is half the battle, they say. 

My session began on Friday.  I arrived at the dungeon and we got started on a scene.  A scene that would last 3 days. I was given so much pleasure that I started to feel pain.  Pain in my nipples, pain in my pussy.  My Master was pushing my limits of how orgasmic I can be.  We were alone for some of the day which is unusual. Normally the house is full of dominatrix’s and his gf.  But she was out. 

So he tied me to the bed and began the biting all over my back.  I couldn’t differentiate anymore the pleasure or the pain.  It all became one.  I was squeamish in the bed as he aroused me to the point of no control.  I was so orgasmic that he decided the only way to get me to come off my “high” was to fig me.  Of course I agreed to it because I had never heard of figing before.  But what was to come was completely unexpected.  He put washier sauce up my anus.  First I felt burning, and then I felt more than burning, it was excruciating pain.  I felt like I was on fire, Indeed I was.  My stomach bloated up very balloon like and then I could not control my belching.  I wanted to throw up but never really got the chance too.  I just sat in my hunched over state for a long time and let the sensation pass. 

Then Master wanted to watch TV.  He fell asleep for a long time and when he finally woke up he told me we had to go to the store to get some food for the meet up group for the evening.  I was unaware of what kind of meet up group it would be.  He had told me that in the past that it was just a lot of men signing up looking for women that were submissive.  Not the case at all.  It was a group of women that were looking for masters.  It wasn’t difficult for anyone in the room to catch on to my jealousy over the situation.  I was so upset and I didn’t know how to hide it.

There was one girl there in particular that was getting under my skin.  She was eyeing me as the pet on the floor and came up to me and told me that I did not know how lucky I was to be a slave.  I was frightened by her remark because I know that Master likes to play.  So he took her to the dungeon and restrained her.  I was to stand in front of her while he stood behind her.  She had already willingly gotten on her knees in the kitchen to be collared by him.  And now she was having what seemed to be an orgasmic experience just by him pulling on her nipples. 

I kept asking if my Master knew where my collar was and he kept telling me that he had it.  I was upset that I did not have my collar on when we left for the club.

When we got in the car Master and I had our first argument of consequence.  He told me do you trust me?  I told him I have trusted you this far, have I not.  He told me to stop answering his question with a question.  I was mortified at what he said next.  He told me that night that he was going to give me away at the club.  Of course you could cut the tension with a steak knife.  It was intense.  I was so livid and there was nothing I could do about it.  He was going to give me away and replace me w a complete stranger.

I couldn’t tell if it was business to him or if it was pleasure or a little bit of both lopped into one grand sum.  And I also couldn’t tell if it was going to be a bad ending to a wonderful story because I couldn’t control my emotions.  The only thing I knew was that I had no choice in the matter and to make things worse who it would be that took me for the night and what they would do to me.

When we got to the club I discovered who my keeper would be and that was Mistress D. I was given a metal collar and a dog chain.  I should have been excited because she is so beautiful and when I kiss her it is erotic but something inside of me just wouldn’t let go of how ashamed I was that my Master didn’t want me.

Mistress D let me watch the new girl be dominated by my Master and I felt so much hurt inside I wanted to cry.  I guess I have abandonment issues.  There is nothing I can do about my past, I can only focus on the now.  And now it was time to walk off with Mistress D. 

She had me put my hands on the cross but did not tie me up.  She spanked me and felt my pussy to see if it was wet.  Of course it was but not as juicy as it should be.  I felt guilty for playing with someone else.  And I also felt ashamed to be her plaything for the night considering how beautiful she is I didn’t feel worthy of her adoration, her erotic kisses or her kindness to me as her sex toy. 
She isn’t nearly as aggressive as my master.   I didn’t know how to react.  I just felt ashamed and dismayed that I could not please her the same way that I think that I please my Master when I cum. 

It was at this point that she asked me what my problem was and I told her in all honesty what it was.  She told me repeat after me “I am worthy of Mistress D, I will not obsess over my Master giving me up for the evening!”

Then of course he came into our scene.  And I did not have the opportunity to try and let go of my inhibitions.  He said his new toy wanted some female attention and we were ordered to go and touch her and make her feel us against her skin as she had never been with a woman before.  She was blindfolded by her shirt being thrown over her head.  I watched as my master spanked her and as Mistress D played with her nipples which by now were very sensitive.  She begged for more so I stuck one finger in her womanhood.  She seemed to be in pain so I did not penetrate too far.  I was afraid she would fall over.

Master decided she had had enough and told me and Mistress D to do the aftercare on this woman.  We removed her blindfold and she was amazed at the 2 of us women being there knowing that we had given her her final treatment.

I massaged her arms while Mistress D massaged her back.  I then started to feel better about the situation.  Not really sure why but just knowing that we had something in common like an orgasmic experience by my master helped me to want to help her to get circulation flowing again in her arms and hands.  Mistress
D kissed me and groped me in front of her.  She was obviously very turned on by the fact that bisexual women were playing in front of her.  I told Mistress D that I put my Master out of my mind for now and that I was there for her enjoyment.

Then it was all over and it was time to return home to the dungeon.  I was told by Master that I cannot lock him down and that my behavior will get me nowhere.  I started to understand as he quoted the Story  Of O  that he loved me so much he had to share me with others.  Of course I own the book but have never read it.  So I did not know what he was talking about.

We all went to sleep and I was so aroused that I could barely dream or even think of dreaming.  I just prayed and prayed that God would show me the way to be a better slave.

The next day I had to go to my vanilla job.  When I returned to the dungeon I was so happy to see my Master.  We went shopping and he bought me a gorgeous black vinyl corset.  We talked to the manager of the sex shop and she seemed to be intrigued by what we do and had no idea that we had just met each other.  It was liberating having an open discussion about BSDM in public.  I didn’t even think about what was missing.

Then we went to the store and bought some groceries and cooked an amazing meal of raspberry beef.  Since Master is a chef I wanted him to see that I could make a good dish.  Then I got naked and cleaned the house.  Well at least 2 bathrooms.  I felt like it was such a perfect day and that I really had made peace with becoming a slave.

Then the next morning the shit hit the fan.  I was taken to the dungeon and told that I had forgotten something.  Something so important that I had no excuse as to what it was or wasn’t that I had forgotten.  Master had given me many opportunities to remember my most valuable possession but I did not.  And he began to restrain me so that I could not get away.  He hit me in the ass with a Cain and then a flogger and then another Cain.  Each whipping was much harsher than the one before and I still did not know what I had done wrong.  I just took it because I had no choice but to wait to be enlightened.  And then he revealed to me that I had forgotten to wear my collar.  I started to cry uncontrollable tears.  I was hysterical.  Because he was right I had forgotten my collar and ruined what could have been a perfect day. 

I had to get it together; it was time for me to go to my vanilla job.  I was in so much pain.  Mental and physical that I did not know what to do.  All’s I knew was that I had let him down.  I texted him to tell him  I was sorry and he told me that I let myself down.  That was true, the truest point he had made so far.  I wanted to explain myself but I could not.  There is no reasonable excuse for forgetting to wear my collar and worse yet not knowing where it was.  I was told that I would have to earn it back.  We talked for a long time and in the end I was given a second chance.  My collar was returned to me with the stipulation that I do not forget again.

I have had a long day in the dungeon’s.  Two to be exact unless you want to count the third one which is my mind,.  I awoke after a long rest.  Master had given me a bath the night before with wonderful salts from all around the world and an analgesic to remedy my MS.  It’s at least a temporary solution to a life time of pain and suffering. 

My hair is naturally curly and wild if I don’t put a blowdryer and a flat iron to it.  I was feeling insecure from not having done my hair after my bath.  Master took me to the dungeon and forced me to fuck the fuck machine.  I was not bound but I was too keep my hands elevated.  My legs aren’t strong enough to support me in a spread eagle position for very long regardless of the therapy.

He wanted me to fuck the shockspot.  I was trying to but the penis was so deep inside and twirling itself around that I was discovering I had g spots deeper in my uterus than I thought. I believe it was hitting my cervix.  It was so deep that I tried as hard as I could to push down on the machine.  I could feel it compressing and wedging itself in and out without really moving up or down.  The shockspot feels like it is spinning inside my pussy.  I don’t’ know if it is, I don’t know how the mechanics of it work.  The only thing I know is that because of my insufficient fucking of the machine I was flogged.  My Master yelled at me to fuck the machine.  I tried so hard but it did not seem to please him.

He put the cupping gun on my nipples.  At first it hurt and then my nipples went numb.  He licked them and bit them and stretched them.  It felt as if my pussy had relocated itself to my chest.  I was so sensitive and elated.  My Master knows how to arouse me in ways that don’t make sense to a vanilla girl like me.  I have spent my whole life with lovers that do not know or care how to please me.  I did not know that my limit of nipple play would be extended to the capacity that it was.  At this point my legs felt as if they were going to give out on me. 

He stopped the machine and made me suck his cock.  Then I was thrown to the ground and kicked.  I was told from now I on I had to walk on all fours and sit on the floor beneath him.  This was the first time that I was treated like this by my Master.  And when he kicked me it brought back memories of when my x-husband abused me and one of the ways he did that was by kicking me repeatedly in the back bone.  Master of course did not kick me hard. Yet, it triggered such a deep emotional outburst that I began to cry uncontrollably.  It was good for Master to see that and he allowed me to cry telling me that it is good to let it out.  He understands now the challenge I face in the dungeon as I am a victim of domestic violence.

It hurt to walk on all fours.  There is nothing but tile, and hardwood floors with very few area rugs.  All day I was to do this and it hurt my knees so bad.  Master said that was good that it was supposed to hurt.  He was very kind and gave me the chance to sit at the table and eat a steak, the most delicious steak I had ever had.  He was kind enough to cook me a second one. 

Then we went to the bedroom.  He played with my clitoris.  He found the soft spot where if it is rubbed at first I feel pleasure but then I feel pain.  The pain comes from it feeling so good that it starts to hurt.

This is when I slip into subspace.  This is when I loose all control of my emotions.  This is when I don’t know what is up or down, sideways or

 crooked.  Nor do I know how to triangulate my sphere of joy and pain.  It all becomes one and my orgasm turns from emancipation of my soul to complete submission to the hand that has sculpted such a wonderful kaleidoscope, a menagerie of events that is not describable.  My nipples and my pussy are one now.  If one is touched the other is stimulated.  My body is in a constant state of arousal.  Sometimes my Master indulges my needs and sometimes he does not.  I am in a T/D relationship and I love it.  I have never felt so compounded in my life.  To be in total lust for someone that I will never have the opportunity to fuck is a huge turn on for me.

Then it came time to go to the club.  It was the same old same old for me.  Not knowing what was going to happen, how, when or why.  I saw him pack the bag of devices to be used on me for the night. There was bondage gloves with buckles on them that look like oven mitts.  A metal collar that matched the spiked collar my Master was wearing.  Red rope, brown rope, a metal dog chain, my corset and a strap on that I was to wear at the party.

While we were driving to the club there was an uncomfortable silence in the car.  I felt like expressing to him my gratitude.  I explained to him that in my life I have been asking for a miracle to happen.  And that meeting him feels like the miracle I have been praying for.  I think he was surprised at this statement.  I don’t know how he really feels about me.  But I think there is a bond that is forming between us and that he is starting to understand my body and my mind unlike any other person.  I have been searching for my soul mate my entire life.  And this man is off limits in the way that I thought a soul mate would be.  He is more a mate of soul.  And I find myself getting lost in the adjustment, the acclimation, the predicament of being a slave but wanting a full time partner.

  I know that I am in love and it’s because when my Master gave me permission to go out dancing at the club the other night I noticed a very attractive man staring at me.  I normally would be thrilled at the eye candy and the prospect of getting my hands down their pants.  But instead I intellectualized the situation and when he hit on my friend Phoenix I was happy for her.  She said that he was a fine piece of meat and I agreed but I felt nothing for him, about him nor did I want to.  I am at complete peace from my boy frenzy craziness that has been destroying my life for so long.

I did not tell him all of this.  But he reads what I write so now he will know.

When we got to the club my fear and anxiety levels went up and down.  I started to feel comfortable in the environment that had been so intrusive to my mind before.  That was only because I was exposed to the elements of torture and sensory overload from the first night there.

I was smart enough to go to the bathroom first because I know that I would have to pee.  But, but, but I had drank so many Red Bulls and Rock Stars that I had to go really bad in about 5 minutes. We put the corset on and the strap on.   Master put me in the bondage mitts.  Then he restrained my arms. At this point my shoes were not threaded correctly.  The base of the ballet stiletto was looser than the top forcing my toes to go over the front side of my shoe.  It was making my feet feel like they were on fire.  I was not allowed to fix my shoes at first.

We went for a walk and the first scene we saw was a young lady having infibulations of her nipples with a nurse mistress.  She looked as if she was in pain and pleasure at the same time.   Master told me that he wanted me to do the needles.  I explained that that is one of my limitations.  I have a horror of needles.

Then we watched three beautiful busty young girls wrestle on the mat upstairs.  I was getting horny and excited about this.  It was the first time voyeurism was not boring to me or offensive.  Although I am becoming an exhibitionist I am still not interested in watching live sex.  This was not sex perhaps that is why I was so aroused.  The girls were locking each other in scissor moves and flipping around on the mat.  It looked like a game of twister and I was wondering when the jello would come out.  It’s not that kind of club.  Vanilla doesn’t exist there.

We went downstairs and I was allowed to go to fix my shoes.  Thank God.  However, I was not allowed to go to Pee.  And the dungeon in my mind expanded to 1000 of kilobytes of anticipation and embarrassment about my predicament as my Master proceeded to tell the host of the party what he was doing to me. 

Then it came time for our scene.  I was locked up tight to a cage with my bondage mitts on.  He began the process of my torture, to stand spread eagle in my stilettos and to feel him kiss and suck, pull and lightly fondle my nipples and to massage my breasts.  He did this for a while before he brought out the suction cup again.  He alternated the cup on my nipples.  He pulled on them this time going with one suction on one nipple to the next.  Licking one and torturing the other.  I could not control my body.  I was in a complete state of ecstasy and submission.  I did not see who was watching.  I did not care if they knew.  My body began to shake violently against the cage.  I was having orgasm after orgasm, multiple times.  My body quivers and my heart opens.  In my chakra’s I realize what is the force of dominance.   My heart governs the flow of chi from the crown which is my highest self to the base of my spine which governs the mulladarah.   This is how subspace happens for me.  My energy field conducts the love I have for my Master to the physical experience on earth.  As he conforms my imagination into reality the manifestation of all that is and is not becomes my state of mind.  I question if I really do exist or if I am just a figment of my own imagination. It is as if I am lost in a labyrinth of hope that I do exist and that the sensations I am feeling confirm that I do.

 My right nipple is less sensitive than the left by about 10 times in comparison.  When I am being sub spaced and my clit is being pain filtered by Master I don’t know what to say, how to feel, where to look or how to comprise the order of event’s in my mind.  I wanted to compartmentalize my emotions.  I wanted to have control over my orgasms.  But I was lost in the sea of rapture and content for this occurrence.  

I slipped into subspace.  But I knew that I was starting to feel another seizure coming on.  My hypoglycemia causes me to faint.  So I snapped out of it and asked to be released from the cage.  Of course my Master allowed me to sit down and we continued the scene. 

Then I was told to close my eyes and bend my neck back.  I started to shake and the pain of my neck cocked back was intensified by the fact that I kept calling out Sir, Sir and he was not responding.  I felt venerable and afraid.  I think that it is obvious that I am his property and that no one is to touch me unless he says so.  Eventually he came back to me.  He demanded that I keep my eyes closed.  I was allowed however, to bring my neck back down.  I felt the scrape of tattered wire coming accros my skin.  I was certain that it was a device he bought at the club’s flea market a few weeks ago.  It is an extension of the violet wand.  At this point I became very still because I did not know what the sensation of the wand would feel like. Then  I felt a needle go into my nipple and I was terrified and told him repeatedly that I was freaking out.  He told me to open my eyes and that is when I saw the straight razor blade and the wartenberg wheel.  He did not pierce my nipples with a needle and he did not zap me with a violet wand.  It was all in my head.

I felt relief.  I looked around.  It didn’t seem like anyone was watching.  I don’t know how they could not be because Master was crazy enough to lick the blade of the straight razor during the scene.  I don’t know, if I am a regular slut or if I am a good slave or if I am a pain slut or if I am a dummy that everyone is laughing at in their heads but too nice to say it to my face.  I don’t know what it is that the people at the club are thinking but I don’t really care. I felt that connection to my Master in public and that was what mattered to me.

He wanted to do more of \the scene but I told him I needed to smoke a cigarette.  He indulged me in the smoke.  My nipples felt the weight of my jacket on them.  They were so sensitive that I was still having mini orgasms outside.  Then he was kind and took me home.  In the car he told me that we had a crowd watching us and that my nipples were a kilometer long.  I hope he was proud of me for the events of the day.  I hope he knows how deeply I appreciate his ability to mind fuck me to a state of total arousal.  I have never cum so hard in my life nor have I ever felt this deep of a connection with anyone.  I am learning to trust this man, my Master, he is my everything that I did not know would come true.  If this was Disney then I am Snow White and my prince has come.

It is getting towards the 11^th hour.  I have been asked 3 times by my Master if or if not, I want to wear the collar.  And I keep answering I do not know if I do or do not.  However, the time has come that I do not I want to take it off.  Master has been taking me into public places and doing things to me that I find very private.

He’s making me break my comfort zone.  I was bound to the horse and flogged.  I was gagged and humiliated in front of old timers from the club.  Everything about this makes me want to run away except that I can’t explain it but at the same time it makes me want to stay and find out more of what can be explored

At night when it is time for sleep I find myself in a trance.  That is when my Master came to me and allowed me to know my true submissive side.  He bit me all over my body.  And I could feel the hematoma’s as they were forming.  I can’t deny it anymore I am falling in love with this man.

As he speaks my body goes into a state of bliss.  As he caresses me and pinches, kisses then bites me the burst of oxytocin, adrenaline, endorphins and dopamine stream through my system I feel like I am in ecstasy.  He puts his hands on my body like a lover and then like a dungeon keeper.  He takes me into sub space and then back to reality.

The sound of his voice sends me into a deep emotional conundrum.  He is not touching me yet my nipples are erect and my pussy is wet and I can feel it vibrating like I’ve been fucked for hours.  It took me every nerve in my body to not want to beg him to fuck me.  I know it is forbidden, I know that S/M is for denial.  But the thought of it does cross my mind.  I just want to be close to him so he can feel me the way I feel him.  I was eradicated, thrusting myself into the air as if there was a 12 inch cock in my pussy.  And then there is the sound of His voice, His voice, His beautiful voice as he spoke to me in multiple languages.  I could  feel him inside me even though he wasn’t penetrating me.  I could feel my ass hole getting wet and my 3^rd g spot having friction on it.  I could feel everything although nothing was physically there. 

I confess my love and adoration and yes I am scared to wear the collar for what may happen to me but more scared to take it off and find out that there is no point to living anymore without it on.

Predicament

Now that I have been collared I feel at peace.  It’s been a long time since I have felt like giving my all to something or to someone.  For whatever reason, I want to do this.  I want to let this man control me.  Never have I been so horny and wet that someone would nick name me for it.  I get a little bit tingly in my pussy whenever I think about my Master.  I get erect nipples too.  I have to be careful when I’m out with friends who don’t know the truth about my double life.  I want to tell the entire universe how excited I am.

We did a session on Sunday where I found myself in a Predicament.  My master has started training me again.  This time it was with a butt plug.  He kept telling me to not let it fall out.  But for whatever reason it did keep coming out and I wasn’t able to fuck it very well.  I had to pee very badly so he took me over to the bathroom that is decorated on the floor w rubber mats.  He left me there with shackles on my feet on all fours. He told me to stay in that position Of course with the water running in the sink so that I would have to think about how badly I had to pee.  I sat there for 5 minutes waiting for him to come back.  But I knew that he was upstairs and couldn’t hear me asking him to come down to the dungeon.  I broke down and went pee and I flushed the toilet because I know that he could hear the pipes working.  And then of course he returned. 

He asked me why I went to the bathroom.  I told him it was because I had to go so bad and it was unclear to me if he wanted me to use the toilet or not.  I didn’t want  to make a mess on the floor.  He told me that I had one strike against me and that I would be punished for the misdeed. 

He didn’t punish me right away.  He told me  it would be when I least expected it.  So, he made me fuck myself with the dildo again until I came.  Then he told me I needed a shower.  I had to put my arms against the wall and let the coldest water run down my body…I was drowning in the water and it felt like this was my punishment but I dare not ask if it was.  Then the water was truned up to very hot and again I felt as if I were drowning in it chocking and spitting it out because I couldn’t breathe.  Then he let me take a normal shower a normal temperature because he is a very kind Master.

When I was done with my shower I went downstairs.  I cuddled up us to his legs and he pushed my head down to his feet because that is where I belong, beneath of him.  I felt close and we had had our first predicament that I think he planned out very well.  I would like to say fothat next time I will be more obedient and not rush to do things because I think I can’t handle it at the time.  That is what I hope for, to please my Master in all ways possible.

Anticipation, shaking, nervous, blood sugar dropping, everything falling apart in my mind.  It’s the not knowing part that bothers me.

“What you don’t know can’t hurt you,” “feelings aren’t facts,”

“Be careful what you wish for”…..Here I am knowing that I am being asked to go to a flea market at the local S&M space in downtown.  I am so apprehensive to go knowing that I have had a hypoglycemic attack that my job in my vanilla life wasn’t all that understanding about it and that I may be involved in a scene at the open dungeon events.  All of this reminded me of the time I went to the party Restrained with Mistress C.  And I was drunk and out of line with her.  I tried to give her a foot massage and instead she bound me to the cross.  She took one of the guest’s metal belts off from his jeans and began to whip me with it.  I have never experienced so much pain in my life.  And that was the last straw between us.  I packed all my things and left that night.

When I think about my life and how much has gone by it seems like Im 80 even though I’m 36.  That this new experience I’m having now is what I needed to have when I was 18. 

I met Master and his entourage at the club.  His GF purchases a beautiful black and red embroidered chest-less corset for me.  I was so taken aback at how beautiful it was.  Sad that my boobs are sagging now but happy to have a true outfit to wear for my Master.  Then he took me to the upstairs of the club and I was floored.  I had been made a matching red and gold links leather collar.  It is a gorgeous collar, one that I can wear in public and people will wonder but not be impressed that I am submissive.  Then I was taken to the shoe section…..I LOVE SHOES!!!  Master bought me 2 pairs!  And also got me an eye brow ring.  I felt so spoiled like I had been on a trip to NY and spent thousands of dollars.  Luckily Masster knew the vendors and got these adornments at a fair price.

We went to dinner while they changed the vendors flea market into a dungeon.  The entourage was noticing the level of my anxiety.  It was mounting as I began to realize that this is for real that I am indeed being collared.  Not just collared but put into the position of having someone else be in control.  Relinquishing control is something I have a hard time with.  Especially because I used to Domme I have a hard time letting go. 

We went back to the club and was bound to 2 women and my hands were suspended in the air on ring.  I was slightly bound to the ring nothing intense.  They put the blindfold on me and it was alarming to hear the screaming and the torture going on around me.  I felt so disconnected from my Master.  He let me come down to my knees and collared me on the floor of the club.  He gave me my new name “Lucy Juicy”

because of how wet my pussy gets.  And he told me he only expects 2 things from his subs 1. Loyalty,  II. Commitment, I agreed to the terms and services.  We proceeded with the scene.  It was so scary to hear all the people being slapped and beaten and this one girl just kept wailing to the point of I thought she was going to die.

  Master suggested to take of f the blindfold but I didn’t want to see what was going on in there.  I just wanted our connection to be strong because I knew he had his whip.  It didn’t take more than a few strokes to bring me to tears.  I don’t know why I was crying.  Perhaps I was absorbing the pain from the girl next to me being tortured.  I was allowed to sit down while Master whipped another sub.

Then I saw what was happening to the wailing girl.  Her arms were being demolished by a night stick she was being punched and elbowed and it looked as if the Mistress of Corporal punishment was going to gauge her eyes out of her face.    I was glad to see what was happening around me.  People of all shapes and sizes colors and preferences were doing kink.  I had never been to such a festival.  There was flogging and bondage, cupping, fire wands, violet wands, regular spanking, paddles and just a lot of playing going on.  We were definitely the most attractive entourage there. 

I was so shaken up by not being able to do the seen with my master.  We all decided to go to the upstairs of the club.  This was a much more chill environment.  And master decided to teach the other 2 girls how to do bondage on my breasts.  I was at ease at this point knowing that I would be bound.  When he was done w his elaborate display of knots we began to kiss, he kissed my nipples then Mistress D asked if she could kiss my nipples.  I am getting horny writing about it right now.  She licked and bit my nipples she kissed me and it all happened while I was blindfolded.  I wasn’t’ sure what was going to happen.  But she inserted 3 fingers in my pussy and fucked me so hard.  Just the feel and touch of her near me made me wet.  Knowing that master ok’d it made me feel safe.  I did not care how many people were there watching me.  It was all good. 

I felt connected to her, as we were bound nipple to nipple with the nipple clamps and were paraded around the club by Master.  I was not sure if I could kiss her nipples but that is what I wanted to do.  I did not since I am the sub I will only do what I am told. 

Later after we left Master was very kind to me.  He bought a hotdog for me at the 24/7. He understands that I need to eat.  He told me things that made me feel like I am special.  Things I wont blog about because they are private.  But I still feel the same.  That he is awesome and that I could not have gotten collared by anyone more unique or creative as he is.  He is my new anchor and I must learn to relinquish control in order to save myself from the mess I am in. 

Today was the most difficult day at the dungeon.  My  Master told me to not fuck up in my trial run.  I think I did.  .  Fucking stupid me had to show that I am weak.  I freaked out the nite before last when Master had some friends coming to the dungeon  He had me put on the makeup like the girl from Blade Runner.  I felt like I was going to be put on display for his friends and wasn’t sure what was going to happen . I really was suffering major anxiety.  I tried deep breathing but that didn’t work.  I tried doing yoga and that didn’t work either. 

When I was called downstairs it was still not clear to me what the scenario was.  I was instructed to sit at my Masters feet and to look like I was not really paying attention to what was being said.  This of course bothered me because I take it in my brain as a form of humiliation.  I am not used to keeping my mouth shut nor do I do good in new social settings.  Of course I was afraid to look at the people who were visiting just as I was afraid to look at my master.

The reason they were there was too shoot a video.  And I was supposed to assist.  So I had all that anxiety for no good reason.  The lady was very beautiful and could really dance well.  I again was afraid to look for fear of being thought of as a pervert or something.  Master had to walk away and I was blindfolded.  The Lady asked me if I was on voice restriction and I told her I wasn’t sure.  I didn’t think I was because Master hadn’t mentioned it to me.  So she talked to me and made me feel a little bit more at ease and reassured me that I had a good master.

But this is what the real deal is.  In my head something is being triggered.  I have been in situations where I didn’t know what was going to happen before and I was raped violently.  I have had been a victim of domestic violence.  I have been arrested at gun point and I have had my ass beat down by Mistress C.  As well as a survivor of domestic avuse.

It had been a 15 years since I have been in the scene and it’s all just coming at me so fast and so hard, literally with all the spankings and cainings the uncertainty of my role ecetera that I got very over whelmed.  When I played with Mistress C it was always theatrical with a little bit of me being her sub on the side.  I never developed emotional attachments outside of friendship and I certainly never felt horny from her dominating me.  Although I am bisexual she is not so I never let my mind go there out of respect.

However, my new Master and I have a different kind of relationship.  I have been so lonely since my recent divorce and death of my mother that I have forgotten what it feels like to be touched by another human.  And he is so sensual yet so into his scenes that I got scared.  I guess I am experiencing some major emotions right now.  I am finally coming to terms with how much I’ve slipped and ruined my amazing credit score that my house was foreclosed on and that I’ve essentially lost almost all worldly possessions and all contact w my emotions.  I am in pain and suffering deep emotional trauma   Post dramatic stress and everything that goes along with it.  I’m not sure if I can handle being a sub to a Master, Master.  It’s more than mental.  Its more than physical it all transcends the reality that I was living in a week ago.  The truth is I like the subbing part when the release from the pain is there.  But enduring the pain is what I am having a challenge with.  I don’t know if it is because of my MS that I am feeling it more intensely or if it’s just all in my head.

I cried to him like a baby about all of  my problems.  I told him that I didn’t know if I could go on with my training.  I told him that it was hard because I was developing emotional attachments.  I told him that I was scared.  I fell asleep in the room next to him crying.  And unsure if he would continue with my training.

The very next morning I looked myself in the mirror.  I told myself that I have nothing too loose if I ask if I decided to ask if I could try to sub again.  I don’t want to loose what I have been learning.  I will never be a good top if I am not a good sub.

He agreed we could try again.   I was cleaning the messy room and we found some toys.  I was instructed to get the toy that finds your g spot and so I did.  I put the condom on it and was told to masturbate.  So I did. And when I came I was told to keep going.  That was hard.  Because once I cum unless someone if fucking me I normally don’t keep going.  But it was easier to cum knowing that my Master was watching me.  That turned me on.  Then I had to close my eyes have the dildo up my ass and he started to put different flavors and textures in my mouth.  That was hot and cold spicy and sour.  I tried to guess what it was he was putting in my mouth and was instructed to not speak.  I hate being humiliated.  But that is what Master wants.  Then finally I was allowed to stop cumming and I was so relieved.  He told me I was very juicy and that there was cum everywhere.

He paddled and spooned my soft spot. A technique he uses to release endorphins into my system. I am always afraid gf will walk in on this but I guess its all good.  Then we went to buy a wig and some nipple clamps and a collar.  We could not find the perfect collar but did get some nipple clamps that are adjustable.  He put them on me in the store which freaked me out a bit.  But I have to learn to trust Master.  We did not get arrested thank god. It was distracting trying to drive w the clamps on I almost ran a red light.  I am not sure where all of this is going.  The training is so intense.  I feel as if my ass has been branded with the wrath of my Master.  Which I guess is the best of all circumstances. I know that I have to control my emotions and not get too attached.  I know that this could all end tomorrow so I am trying to not get in over my head.  But I am in so deep now I feel like my curiosity will never be satisfied until I do the next day and the next day and learn grow and discover,.

When I first entered the world of domination I was of the prime age of 20.  I worked with what I call charlatans of the industry.  They seemed to be in it for the money. I’m not gonna lie my perceptions of what S&M was and what it really is, was very distorted.  I heard you could make $400 an hour telling a grown man to wear a dunce hat and stand in the corner for an hour.  That simply wasn’t the case. 

I was sent down to Georgetown for an outcall and my world got turned upside down.  A man answered the door wearing a bra and garter belt with thigh high stockings on.  The only thing I could do was laugh at him and how ridiculous he looked.  He apparently didn’t mind my inexperience in the scene and paid his tribute and I went merrily on my way. 

My next call wasn’t as easy.  There was so much oddness to the fetish of a peeping tom.  He had me put on old granny underwear a black skirt and a camisole.  He would make me wear a navy blue trench coat and walk over his head for an hour and a half.  I thought it was the most bizarre thing.  Half way through the session he asked me to remove the jacket.  But that was I,t nothing else ever happened and he would call me over almost every day to do this bizarre scene.

 Then I met someone who wanted a golden shower, to be paddled and humiliated.  He told me that he had been arrested several times for exposing himself in public.  It all was weird and it just got weirder and weirder as I went along.

 The charlatan’s tried to get me to do things with the clients that I didn’t feel comfortable with.  They just wanted to extract money from the sessions charging more than what the original tribute was discussed.  And of course they pushed me past a degree of integrity that I  felt was considerate of the client.

So I left and sought out a real dungeon.  I had seen an ad in the DDI for Mistress C.  She was the real deal kinda Mistress.  She had outfits of all assortments.  She had a real dungeon too.  I didn’t have to go around to strangers houses anymore.  I could do sessions in a controlled environment.  She had leather chaps, rubber dresses, latex dresses, metal chain maille, and a sterling silver corset not to mention the plethora of fabric corsets she had from the real orient.

The dungeon itself had a room made entirely out of rubber, a suspension room, a cage and all the regular equipment you would expect to find.  Along with more implements than I could ever dream of.  I started to realize my female dominance was important.

 I came into the dungeon world out of the rave/punk rock scene.  I was kind of a tom boy.  I loved watching her do forced feminization.  I discovered my passion for men being dressed as women.  Working for Mistress C I was fascinated at all her subs and sissy’s that came to her dungeon.  First she would pick a name for them that fit their personality and kink.  I liked to watch the transformation as the cinchers or corsets were put on to hide the male form.  I was in training so I mostly just watched as many of them were scared to move in the direction she would take them.  She may have to flog or bind them in order to get them to succumb to their fantasies. 

Then my role to play in the scene would erupt.  After the panties and garter belts were adorned on the body and the outfits were fitted and the man’s name had been altered to thier feminine persona I was allowed to put on the makeup.  At first it seemed awkward to put the makeup on as I had never really had the experience of doing my own.  However, she would always tell me that my lip liner was the best application she had ever seen.

 I started to become more feminine myself growing up in the dungeon as her sub.  I was forced to wear corsets and I started to wear makeup as well because I could not let the subs and sissy’s look better than me.  I learned how to walk in stilettos by watching the sissy’s, subs and Mistress C.  There was even a transgender male who has now finally become a full fledged woman.  When he was a he, he would kick and scream at the torture of being forced to dress like a sissy.  She would wear flirty lacey negligees and petticoats I loved it so much that I started to do sessions on my own.  I loved to decipher the feminine name for the sissy’s and to make them my property and playthings.  As my dolls I dressed them any way I felt was proper.

I also discovered that I could get better contributions to my life style by becoming a pro sub.  Mistress C said that the best way to learn to be a Domme was to in fact be submissive which is why I agreed to sub to her and to various Masters in the area.

The first time I subbed to a man he asked me what was the most sexist thing about my body.  I told him my face, he replied “no”, I told him my breasts, he replied “”no, I told him by ass and so on and he got very frustrated with me.  He told me the sexiest thing about me was my brain.

This of course excited me.  He gave me first ever vibrator which was enormous.  He let me insert it into myself.  I got crazy with that thing.  And I came before I asked permission.  He was very forgiving to me as I lay on the bathroom floor of the dungeon. 

These sessions and predicaments went on for the next few years.  Mistress C and I had a falling out.  She could see me as a Domme when I was making her money but never past her own as a sub in our personal relationship and so I decided to leave and open my own dungeon.  Alas I got burnt out on the scene and my double life and decided that I would become a free lance makeup artist. 

I did that for a couple of years, still seeing some of my regulars but never really finding that same report that I had with Mistress C.  I started to crave having a dominant in my life again.  I didn’t care if it were male or female.  I just wanted someone to take complete control over me.  And that is when I met Tommy on myspace.  He and I started to have a keyboard love affair.  But when it came time to meet each other he never showed up to give me the collar that he promised to me.

I have craved for a Master since then.  I craved   for the lifestyle and letting slaves take care of my needs.  I craved to be a switch in a dungeon again.  So I joined collarme.com and I got a message from a Master.  I responded, naturally because my curiosity was killing me.

When I got lost coming to the dungeon I called Master to give me directions.  He was proficient however abrupt on the phone due to the fact that he had a client coming in.  When I got to the house I noticed certain things that I took as a sign that if I were to join this team,  The Fetish Room that I would indeed know I was in the right place.  It reminded me of Mistress C’s Dungeon not to the T but the décor of  the upstairs had somewhat of an Asain motif. 

Knowing that I have only my honor to stand on I gave the interview process my all.  I learned very quickly that this was a house of domination on the real deal.  I had talked to Master in length on the phone the previous evening so I was already at ease.  He asked me a lot of questions and I asked him a lot of questions.  I wanted to make sure that I wasn’t getting myself involved in a prostitution ring nor that it was something that sometimes happened on the premises or that indeed was even a factor at all in the legality of the set up.  I told him and his gf every knook and cranny that I could think of about my personal life, my dilemmas and how to spear head them without loosing at face value my vanilla life status as I am a known makeup artist in the industry.

We agreed to certain details that showed me that they had mutual respect for my life and needs.  It was a gulling 6 and half hour interview.  At the end of it I met Sunshine whom I had viewed on her website the night before.  I was shocked at how plain jane she looked knowing that Master had said that she was this amazing Domme that could and would change the perception of reality and put her subs into sub space.  She didn’t seem like the girl he described but I left it at that, knowing that more would be revealed. 

I was nervous that they were going to put me through a session with her and that I would have to prove my dominant qualities on the spot.  That however, did not happen. They all agreed that to be a good Domme you first must be a good. Of course I was satisfied with that statement as it reminded me of my Mistress.  I felt gratitude that I had met a group of people who would indeed help me to spread my wings in the world of S&M again.

The second day I was sat down and explained to that I am more a sub than I am a Domme.  I had to allow myself to hear that because I know deep down inside its true.  That’s why I always get into abusive relationships because I am trying to relinquish control.  But never to the right person or for the right reasons and it gets out of control and I wind up banging my head against the wall because there is never any balance.  I would always submit but never be rewarded for my submission. 

As he offered me the job which seemed reasonable as far as pay time and duties he pointed out to me that my nipples were getting hard and asked me if I was horny.  I had to be honest and say that I was because he was going to”sub”me which in fact was my first Freudian slip as he corrected he was going to “top” me.

We proceeded from there with a session which he told me I would have to replicate the next day.  He topped me different than C did with her subs.  He touched me in a massaging manner and made me feel at ease.  He taught me how to present my weapons of choice to him which I had never seen done before.  I felt that I was in a more pure scene than any other that I have ever encountered.

 He put me in the restraints that hung from the ceiling.  I don’t remember exactly what he did but I think he used a cat of 9 tails on me slowly whipping my ass and then forcing the whip on me more directly.  He made me feel my pussy to see if it was getting we,t which I already knew it was.  I liked having to call him Sir and found myself strangely attracted to him although the day before I told him under no circumstances would I in any way allow him to do exactly what he was doing to me.

 He then put a blindfold on me and these hand mits that don’t allow for any bending of the arms.  He had loops on them so he could cross tie the arms and that was amazing to be bound like that in total restraint.  He had me bow down on the chair with my nose touching it which would be easier to do if I had been practicing yoga more frequently.  Anywyays, he cained me and paddled me and that was just the bomb.  I think at some point he showed me the bound in the mirror and I was like wow dude knows what the fuck he is doing!

Then he took me upstairs and had me spread myself and present my ass to him on the couch.  His gf walked by as if she could care less that I was being Dommed.  Anyhow I tried to cum but I wasn’t in the right position and I couldn’t lie and say that I could cum and I def wasn’t gonna fake it so I told him the truth that I couldn’t cum and he beat my ass a lil more for it.  I really liked that.  It was at this point that I started to feel I could trust him.

The next day I came over I was not sure what the fuck was going to happen.  I had the knowledge that I had to repeat the scene but I enjoyed myself so much in it that I wasn’t sure that I could remember the implements or the exact sequence to the way he trained me the day before.  But that’s not how it went down at all.  He hooked me up with learning about knots.  We talked about some challenges the dungeon was facing with business.  I felt that he understood that I am more than just some kid off the street and that I do have something to offer.  I gave him a massage which allowed me to feel his energy patterns.  I understand that he needs to be more grounded now.  I can help him with his “Chi” as he put’s it.  He even knew what chakras are and I was like wow that is really cool. 

Then we went into the dungeon and he used the fucking machine on me.  He told me he could do my ass or my pussy.  He didn’t really give me the choice but I think he heard me that my ass was not used to being fucked.  So he put it in and put it into my pussy.  That was not intense at first.  I felt like I was at the gynecologists office with a speculum. 

At first, I was like is this thing big enough to hit my 3^rd g spot?  But then it started to get more and more intense.  And I started to want to fuck the machine back like if I was fucking a real man.  Dude it was insane.  It got me to wail and moan and groan and peep and be afraid that I was going to piss myself it felt so good.  There was one time I Peekednand saw that he was jacking off while he was using the controller and that made me feel bad that I peeked but good to know that he was amused by orgasm.  He told me later that he had to turn the machine off because it was obvious that I was going into subspace.  I was like this is a crazy job.  But I really started to trust him and see that he had some endearment for me.

My best friend warned me about getting emotionally attached to someone that is my boss.  I can see why that would be a challenge and have already attempted to compartmentalize my emotions to the degree that they belong in.  I see that this can be a good thing for me on many levels sub at the same time.  I can learn to understand guilty pleasures. I feel like I am in a safe and sane environment to learn and to grow as an artist.