I'm still trying to capture the feeling of my first subspace experience. The memory of it is both vivid and vague at the same time. Kind of like a dream where the more I try to remember, the less I actually do. It has been 5 years since then and it seems so much longer than that. I feel like I did so much in those first two years. I have more memories of experiences and "firsts" in those two years than I have had in the past three. I loved the adrenaline and thrill of situations in a scene. I still do love it - I think about it often. Pulse racing, senses heightened, fear and want all mixed together but in the end there always was some kind of denial - sexual, physical, or emotional. That denial kept me coming back for the next scene, wishing and hoping that this scene would fulfill me in all three areas. It never did, but that was the thrill of it. That is what kept me coming back.

My first scene was at the Libertine Ball in Philly. A public place! I was born into the BDSM world via public play. This would explain why I like it so much. I got the thrill of my first scene in the heightened atmosphere of a public venue. Adrenaline and excitement times TWO (or more)! I forget what the theme was, and truthfully it doesn't matter.

If any of you know the layout, you will know when you first walk in, to the right is a small room where fire play is normally demonstrated. It was in that room, against the wall towards the entrance, furthest from the fire play demo. That dark corner there. My back was up against the wall. I felt awkward in this place, not sure if I was the "right type", or if I even belonged.

I had met a couple (I believe it was there, but my memory is quite fuzzy on that detail), male Dom, female sub. He could put that look in his eyes - that look that makes a sub's hair stand on end, pulse rise, body tremble, and need grow in her belly to be fucked. He had perfected that look. So there I was, standing in that dark, secluded corner, and he gave me "the look". I was immediately completely unable to move. I'm sure I could have, if needed, but that look kept me frozen. He was a few steps in front of me, but as he closed the distance between us, everything I was feeling doubled and then tripled. He reached out and put his hand on my arm and my skin jumped underneath his hand. He moved his hand up my arm to my shoulder and I could feel the electricity on my skin where his hand had previously been. My eyes never left his. As he moved his hand to the back of my neck, he suddenly reached up and pulled my head backward by the root of my hair.

The moment he pulled, I just about collapsed to the floor. I had hit subspace full-force and fast by just his look, the tease of his touch, and a forceful and firm hair pull. I believe he caught me mid-fall and subsequently made me sit down. I remember him being shocked at how fast I hit subspace and he seemed pleased with himself for having that effect on me. I remember him laughing in a "can't hardly believe it was that easy" kind of way.

To this day I am still trying to find that head space, like a junkie trying to find that first-fix high again. I'm fearful that I won't find it and it makes me sad because I found such peace there. No worries, no fear, just this all-consuming feeling of...serenity. And at that moment I knew I belonged with the people, or person, who could adequately give me that feeling. In return, I could give them their "pleased feeling" in top-space by bottoming to them. And the understanding of the dynamic began...

I went out tonight with two of my "vanilla" friends, and one of their mutual friends. My vanilla friends know this aspect myself and are cool with it, but their friend knows nothing of my life really. Well, their friend, who I will refer to as 'A' from here on, is really thin, shapely and could totally be one of those mainstream girls who mainstream guys just really go after. But every time we go out to a club or bar with her, 'A' just sits and pouts, like she expects guys to be at her every whim, cater to her, and buy her drinks. To top it off, those guys who do come up to her to chat, she gives the cold shoulder to and ignores. To me, her "mopey" attitude really turns everyone off, and screams a lack of confidence and self-esteem. And it really bugs me because, when we all go out together, her attitude seems to rub off on all of us. I will talk to anyone when I go out, because I go out to have a good time. And, hey, if a guy wants to dance with me, that's completely cool with me, I want to dance too, so it's a mutual thing. Besides, it's just dancing...I'm not marrying the guy.

A few weeks back a guy came up to me while we were at a club (we were sitting in a booth and I was 'dancing in my seat' while sitting there), asked if we were having a good time, and motioned to 'A' that she looked "mopey". Of course, I could tell right away that 'A' was annoyed by the fact that this guy talked to me first. I motioned for him to sit down next to me, and we chatted with him the whole night until close (well, me and my other friend chatted with him). I have since talked with this guy and he seems cool, but completely vanilla. Mind you, we all got his number that night, but I was the only one who had the balls to text him a day or two later and he has since called me to casually chat.

I guess my point is that, although I am not the skinniest girl, I feel as though I have the most confidence out of all of my vanilla friends. I go out to clubs to have a few drinks, have a good time, and dance. I don't go there hoping for guys to pay for my drinks (although, I have to admit, I have had more drinks paid for by guys than all my other vanilla friends combined), nor do I hope to get some hot guy's phone number or have any guy ask for mine. I go out to simply have fun. When I go out, I make myself feel sexy because I want to project that feeling. I want to project the attitude of "wow, she looks like she's having a good time", because I know that is what makes other people have a good time also. No one wants to be around someone who is not having a good time...what a downer.

And I know that I have never had this much confidence in myself. I know that in the past, I have gone out and felt completely out of place and didn't have a good time. I know that the reason why I feel different now, is because of this lifestyle and the people I have met. Every person I have met, who sends me positive energy and puts time into getting to know me for me, makes me realize that I am a valuable person. I am a person worth something. Every experience I have increases my own personal self-worth and I definitely notice its effects in my life. I can feel a huge change in how I feel about myself when I go out with my friends. I want to have a good time just to have a good time and let go of all the BS. Having a good time is no longer dependent on how many guys check me out or how many drinks they pay for. It solely and completely depends on how I feel about myself. My attitude really is everything.