Last week I received what seemed like a one-size fits all letter, but I wanted to give the writer the benefit of the doubt and wrote him back. He wanted to chat in a private chatroom program and I am no stick in the mud, that was ok also. I said hello to what is basically a total stranger, and the first msg I received was ?send a photo please.?  I just cringed inside, and quietly stated my truth: that I am sincerely looking to make platonic friendships on a soulful level and have no interest in exchanging photos, for my desire is to know someone from the inside out, not vice versa.  I waited awhile, no response??..Poof???..gone out of my life or so I thought. I realize I am in the vast minority in that I do not desire a picture but I truly don?t care about someone?s superficial physicality- I want to know what ignites your passions, what you believe and value, what touches your soul, and what makes you uniquely you. I don?t CARE what you look like: what race you are, what size you are, whether you are deemed beautiful or ugly by our superficial society, whether you are dressed in designer clothes or rags from the local thrift shop-  I simply do not care. I may want to know you in real life, but it is not because of anything externally you may or may not have- it is because I  am drawn to the inner real you and desire to deepen the connection: to hear the inflection in your voice and hear your laugh, to watch your face as emotions flow thru you, to feel you during a warm embrace or as I wipe away a tear. I would choose a soft heart over hard abs any day."

Several days later, when I had the time to briefly log onto the computer, I had three messages waiting on me from this man.

I was stunned by the first message, in which he referred to my stating my truth , my being true to myself , as a ?temper tantrum.?  HUH? What I call honesty and open communication he chose to demean, infantize, disrespect, degrade and totally invalidate my reality, simply because my reality was different than his. He did not HEAR me, he erroneously assumed that my feelings on this subject would be identical to his. Everything in our reality is subjective, and none of us will see things exactly the same. THANK GOD because the world would not be nearly as interesting. I have done a lot of inner soul searching over the past 16 years, and have learned to respect my own truth. This enables me to respect other people and their truth, which will most likely differ from my own. I welcome diversity and the opportunity to understand things in a new way- I always have the choice to change my way of thinking and to what degree, and also the freedom to simply throw out what does not ring true to me. And I feel no need to try to persuade another to my worldview, my subjective reality- for it is just as right and wrong as the next person- we are all flawed, but we all have the capability to learn and grow. A person that is close-minded and intolerant of others? beliefs is addicted to being right, and sadly has lost that ability to learn and grow, for he or she is now unteachable.

In the second message, he stated that he had sent me a photo, now I owe him one. I am not easily manipulated- I neither asked for nor viewed the picture he sent. He then proceeded with  his erroneous belief that I shared the same view as he did  and then unconsciously projected his own unexamined fears onto me including his insecurities and paranoia.

The third message was very short. It stated simply, ?I am very nice man.?  The sad thing is, he would pass a lie detector test because he is so disconnected with himself.

Some people I am sure would write an angry retort, or at least call him on his shit. That is not the choice I made though- I simply move away from people who are not emotionally safe, much less verbally abusive. I really feel nothing but compassion for him, and an overwhelming sense of gratitude, for ?there but for the grace of God go I.? For many wasted years I projected my unconsciousness on others, and I know I was doing the best I could with what I knew at the time,  just as he is doing now. There is something far larger than us going on here, and I do believe he is just where he is supposed to be because I am not God, I am not in charge here. And I am not perfect- I still make erroneous assumptions, unconscious choices, and poor conscious ones. The difference though, between him and I, is that I am open to input from the forces that be, and in time the clarity will come- I will learn and grow from my life experiences and if amends are needed- I will make them. He is incapable of doing that, he cannot tame what he cannot name.

I have hesitated about posting this, for I do not want it to turn into a heated debate about those who desire a photo and those who do not. Neither is right or wrong, we all have our unique preferences. My purpose in writing this was to hopefully widen someone?s horizons. Maybe someone may even ask themselves ?how do I respond to different viewpoints, or if someone tells me ?no? based on a belief that is different than mine, or if a person does not behave in the manner that I want them to.?  What I have been trying to say here is respect diversity, embrace the differences as much as we treasure our similarities- and allow all of us to be the uniquely precious person we are meant to be.

?Individuality is either the mark of genius or the reverse.
Mediocrity finds safety in standardization.?

---Fredrick E. Crane

?The more we let each
voice sing out with
its own true tone,
the richer will be
the diversity
of the chant in unison.?

---Angelus Silesius

?The individual has always had to struggle to keep from
being overwhelmed by the tribe.  If you try it, you will
be lonely often, and sometimes frightened.  But no price
is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.?

---Friedrich Nietzsche

?Our real discoveries come from chaos. From going to the place that looks wrong and stupid and foolish.?

---Chuck Palahiniuk

I have been aware that I have been unhappy for quite some time. I presented a very serene face to the world, yet I knew I was choosing a life I did not want.  I knew that I always had the power to change that, yet I remained stuck and frozen- my inertia fueled by confusion and complacency. Oh I would talk about it, ponder on it, try to figure out WHY I still chose to stay stuck. In the meantime I continued to become more and more disconnected from myself. My life had become a world of obsession with work and losing myself in to vast world of computerville.  I stopped pursuing my life passions.  I was very ?proud? of the fact that I could stay calm and composed, and would share this with others- my ability to do so ?no matter what life throws at me.? But the truth is I controlled my world so tightly that there was no way that the external chaos called LIFE could get in. I stayed overweight to keep that wall up- my protector from intimacy. I kept my house in such a state of disarray that I had not allowed another human being to visit my home in over a year.  I worked past the point of exhaustion- then would go home- escape on the puter till I finally fell asleep- thus avoiding what I could not face: myself and my fears of being close, vulnerable and my inability to trust others. None of this was conscious until recently. Looking back, the universe would give me little nudges every now and then- which I would briefly acknowledge then quickly re-freeze back into the land of confusion. The issue was fear- and walking thru those fears- and I was terrified to the point that I was totally frozen and shut off from myself, and stayed that way for a long time.

On June 16^th of this year the universe said enough- and threw me off a cliff. To be true to myself I fell into that place that looked SO wrong, stupid and foolish. Over the years I had weaved a suit of protective armor that was so strong I thought I was actually living life.  When I went over that cliff the armor fell off.  I was unprotected and so vulnerable.

I don?t think I had ever felt so lost as I did that day; I had no idea what to do. I was calm no more, that facade had been stripped away during the plunge. I was hysterical, out of control, angry, sad, crying. For the first two weeks I think I was in shock, just going thru the motions and trying to figure out what I needed to do to survive each day. In less than one day my house was back in my comfort zone- that first night I had someone in my home and have had people here almost every day since.  I had no idea what to do and I had to let others in. This I could not do alone, I could not control this?..and I had to trust people to help me- and I found my intuitive self again- still there and still guiding me, I just had cut myself off from that soulful essence of me. 

I feel like a infant learning to crawl again, but to be honest I don?t think I have ever felt so alive. I am learning what works, what doesn?t, what needs a little tweaking, and what needs to be thrown out. I am learning that there are some wonderful people in the world, and that I do have the ability to learn to trust- and I am so grateful that they have been placed in my life. Work is now work, although it is very meaningful it is no longer my life- I am part of a team and I now don?t try to do it all- I let others do their jobs and you know what- patients still get taken care of, the moon still comes out at night and the earth still rotates- amazing. I am lucky to find the time to log on the puter once a week, and I no longer waste mindless hours here, I come online to write and to communicate with other people. I am thinner, live healthier, and I am physically stronger. I painted my house in warm colors, and it is comfortable and clean. I still go to bed exhausted, but it is from living life fully, and it is a GOOD exhausted. I find it quite ironic that when I had all the time in the world to pursue my life passions I chose not to, and now I am very limited as to the time I have to devote to them, but I am back reading my books on spirituality, meditating, connecting with nature again, listening to my beloved music. And that feeling of my heart just breaking open by a little person?s smile- there really are no words to describe that.  Life is good and there is no other place I would rather be than just where I am at.

I have had a reoccurring dream since childhood- I was always looking for my home, and could not find it.  When I was forty I realized that I was, and had always been, HOME- for it is within me, that God/soul essence that is within all of us ????My home is choosing to live my life with gratitude, integrity, meaning, lots of laughter, and most of all soulful connections with others, other living creatures, and our incredible planet.

?Chaos is the score upon which reality is written.?

---Henry Miller

?Chaos often breeds life, when order breeds habit.?

---Henry Brooks Adams

?Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting.?

---Alan Dean Foster

?One must still have chaos in oneself to be able to give birth to a dancing star.?

--- Friedrich Nietzsche

Letter to a Dominant....

The Birth of the New Via the Old Endings???

Inspired by the insightful writings of a fellow traveler and his soulful post, I find a multitude of thoughts bubbling up inside myself this morning about the ending of relationships and hopefully a new way of looking at them.

A wise woman once said to me, ?Life is a series of hellos and goodbyes.? And indeed over time I have come to deeply understand that spiritual truth. Nothing is guaranteed in life, including another precious moment on this beautiful planet. And I have found, even with two people committed to growing and learning spiritually each and every day, sometimes those two people can go in entirely different directions while being true to themselves?.neither is right or wrong, for we are all unique spirits with our own unique gifts, weaknesses, purposes, and life lessons to learn.

I too reflect and learn from ended relationships, and I don?t even at this point look at them as FAILED relationships, for I may have made some poor choices, but every one of them so far has taught me valuable lessons. Early lessons learned were mostly about what NOT to do???..as I have grown older, I am also able to recognize the positive choices I have made as well.

I have learned a little along the way, and a whole lot of humility. I now have some ?deal breakers? and  I know someone who chooses these behaviors is not the right person for me. I also have bottom line behaviors, and those that cross these- I again know they are not my friends, much less anything more than that.

At the end of a relationship,  it is very important for me to take a good hard look at my role in the demise of it and be accountable for my actions and choices, both the poor and good choices I have made. I feel the feelings, learn what I need to learn from it, and then move on. I think it is important for people to be comfortable with themselves and their own company, and to love and enjoy their own company before even pursuing a relationship with another. For how can you know if a person is right for you, if you do not even have a deep understanding of your own wants, needs, desires, values, passions,  and beliefs?  I also think many times people do not take the time to grieve and learn the life lessons from each relationship opportunity. Many have never learned how to be comfortable in their own skin, and with their own company, and thus come from a needy place, looking for a warm body to heal that hole in their soul, a hole only each individual can heal themselves- it is truly an inside journey. So they often grab the next available warm body and just blindly and unconsciously repeat the old negative patterns.

I think also that it is IMPERATIVE to take the time to establish a soulful platonic friendship before even exploring the relationship in the non-platonic context. For if you have a soulful platonic friendship at the CORE, it will still be there when or if the relationship ends or changes in the type of relationship. If you deeply respect, honor, and cherish this person for all their gifts, including their strengths and weaknesses; this will still be there if the relationship ends or changes directions. You may personally need a little time away from that person, to process the feelings and life lessons, but then you may choose to come back into it as platonic friends, or you may not. If this soulful friendship exists though, what you will NOT choose is to engage in that dance of suffering, the unforgiving shame and blame dance, which most unconsciously think by reliving the pain over and over that this can somehow change the outcome. I forgive for ME, my forgiveness changes me  and FREES me from unnecessary suffering, and I am totally powerless over what does or does not change the other person. The only person, place, or thing that I will EVER have control of in this lifetime are my own actions and behaviors, Period.

 ?Forgiveness is the economy of the heart...forgiveness saves the expense of anger, the cost of hatred and the waste of spirits.?

---Hannah More

?The supreme act of courage is that of forgiving ourselves. 
That which I was not but could have been. 
That which I would have done but did not do. 
Can I find the fortitude to remember in truth,
to understand, to submit, to forgive 
and to be free to move on in time?? 

---Martin Luther King

?In our society, forgiveness is often seen as weakness.  People who forgive those who have hurt them or their family are made to look as if 
they really don't care about their loved ones.  But forgiveness is tremendous strength.  It is the action of someone who refuses to be consumed by hatred and revenge.?

---Helen Prejean

?Let go. Why do you cling to pain? There is nothing
you can do about the wrongs of yesterday. It is
not yours to judge. Why hold on to the very thing
which keeps you from hope and love??

---Leo Buscaglia

?Letting go doesn't mean we don't care.  Letting go doesn't mean we shut down.
Letting go means we stop trying to force outcomes and make people behave.
It means we give up resistance to the way things are, for the moment.
It means we stop trying to do the impossible--controlling that which we cannot?

and instead, focus on what is possible--which usually means
taking care of ourselves. 

And we do this in gentleness, kindness,
and love, as much as possible.?

---Melody Beattie

?We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned,
so as to accept the life that is waiting for us.?

---Joseph Campbell

The Seasons of the Soul

Promises............

Lately I have been reading the posts of a couple who HAVE achieved a level six relationship in a non-platonic context. It is very evident in their writings, esp when she used a quote from Bahauddin to describe her relationship  as:  "A candle has been lit inside me for which the sun is the moth."  Reading her wise words gives me hope that someday I may cross paths with my soulmate. I know at this point I could not ?settle? for anything less.

Yesterday I was exposed to the aftermath of needy love, which is not love at all in my humble opinion. It is when two unwhole people mesh together and try to use the other person to fix their own internal wounding. At the core of it is dishonesty, disrespect, selfishness and very conditional ?love?- and I use the term love very loosely, for it is my belief that it is not love at all. I have thought I have loved before, but I know now that it was neediness and unconsciousness- I had no clue who I was and I just blindly reacted to the externals around me. Anything and everything to try to heal that hole in my soul, which I know today can only be healed by doing the difficult work of going inside myself with gut- level self-honesty and being accountable for my actions. In other words, I have to clean up my own side of the street, NO ONE can do it for me. I also know without question, that even though I have had a few failed non-platonic relationships, I most definitely have never been loved back.

I met a man yesterday who is in his last two months of life. He is soft-spoken, and very at peace for a man of 59. He said that he had lived a full life, and had lived to see his children settled and happy, and that even though he didn?t want to go, it was his simply his time. I asked what I could do to help him most, and he said, ?Please, just get me comfortable.? And I quietly promised him that I would do that, and it will be a promise that I will keep. Today I find it very sad that my greatest obstacle in keeping this promise is not that I  don?t have the resources and knowledge to bring this man freedom from the agony of the cancer that is all over his body, for I do and I will get him comfortable, within a very short time frame actually. I will have a battle on my hands though, and achieving this will not be easy. How ironic that my greatest obstacle will be the inevitable battling with his own wife. She has let him suffer and has withheld medication because she feels it makes him too drowsy and she wants him awake so that he can ?talk to me and spend time with me.? This is needy love, selfish and ugly at the core. He said to me, ?She has got to give a little, and let me have some relief, regardless of the fact that I may sleep more.?   But this to her is about HER and her own needs. Is she a bad person??? No, not at all??.for she is doing the best she can with what she knows at this time. My hope is that she can learn what she needs to learn from this experience. Most of us choose not to learn, but instead just repeat the same dysfunctional patterns, but I HOPE for her that she chooses differently this time. My gift to her will be understanding and unconditional acceptance???.and education, for knowledge is power.

I want to thank that couple I spoke of in my first paragraph, for your writings are what gives me some comfort and peace this morning????and HOPE for my own quest in finding my true soulmate.  Thank you for sharing who you are and who you are becoming.

?It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship
that makes unhappy marriages.?

---Friedrich Nietzsche

?A great marriage is not when the
 ?perfect couple? comes together
It is when an imperfect couple learns
to enjoy their differences.?

---Dave Meurer

?Love does not consist in gazing at each other,
but in looking outward in the same direction.?

---Antoine de Saint-Exupery 

?Infantile love follows the principle: ?I love because I am loved.?
Mature love follows the principle: ?I am loved because I love.?
Immature love says: ?I love you because I need you.?
Mature love says: ?I need you because I love you?.?

---Erich Fromm

?Love is the great transformer, turning ambition into aspiration,
selfishness into service, greed into gratitude,
getting into giving and demands into dedication.?

---Anonymous

?Life is often messy, uncertain, and unpredictable.  Sometimes it's a string
of troubles that seem to never end.  That's normal.  Ups and downs
are normal.  Being ill on occasion is normal.  Feeling peaceful and happy
are normal.  Occasional low-energy days are normal.  According to Chinese
medicine, it is accepted as natural that we fluctuate from being in balance
to being out of balance.  Peace of mind comes from not attaching a great
deal of significance to either state.  We simply note our moods and
physical states and gently move toward balance as best we can,
accepting it all as part of the flow of life.?

---Charlotte Davis Kasl

I have gone through a lot of changes over the past three months, and have found myself reading the above quote on almost a daily basis. Her wise words have helped me stay grounded and calm while my normal as I know it has ceased to exist and now a new normal is in the shadows waiting to take shape.  It has been about letting go of my control, surrendering to the unseen, and then having faith to just go with the natural flow of my life. That is easier said than done for me, has been a struggle every day, and I sense that I am not alone in this endeavor.

I have found myself making lots of ?wishes? and trying to control the outcome of these changes, and have thought often of the wisdom behind the old saying, ?Be careful what you wish for, for it just may come true.?  Upon reflection, I realize these wishes are directly related to my perfectionist view of balance.  I realize I have continued to view balance in the either/or mentality, black or white with no shades of gray. And by doing that, I have set myself up to fail because I feel so overwhelmed as I have set very unrealistic expectations for myself in achieving this so-called balance. 

?We can be sure that the greatest hope for maintaining equilibrium
in the face of any situation rests within ourselves.?

---Francis Braceland

---Sue Bender

---Confucius

?We are all just where we are supposed to be.? I have found that spiritual truth uttered over and over by evolved souls, and over time I have accepted their truth as my own. I truly do believe that even though I may not understand it all, things truly are unfolding just as they are supposed to, and the clarity may come in time, and some things I will never make sense of- but maybe I will when we get to wherever we go in our next phase along this journey.

I have also come to realize there are seasons of the soul???and I am coming out of a long winter to the newness of spring. I am searching for a new job, I am making new friends, I may be searching for a new home, and I am at a financial place I have rarely been before (and not a good one). Yet I see all of these as gifts???..it is bringing in the new, my spring is finally starting to bloom. I am surrounded by chaos and uncertainty, yet as I sit here, I am incredibly centered and calm?? I am just where I need to be.

Yesterday I spent the day with some former co-workers. We laughed, cut-up and I had a BLAST. I am so grateful though, as I sit here today, for where I am at in my journey. For I can see them as they are NOW, not who I want them to be. Their friendships are not true friendships, for it comes with a price. When I left that company, I lost their friendships in the process. And I know today, that the only reason I was welcomed with such open arms yesterday, is that they want me back at that company. So there is nothing real there about any of the friendships, for true friends stay with you thru the long haul in life, with all the ups and downs that life brings. I am so grateful that I can see that today??. I am just where I need to be.

Three years ago I found my true soulwork professionally, it took me over twenty years, but I found it. . And I have long been at the place where I could less about material things, status, climbing the social ladder, etc- all the things that come with the ?more, better, best? mentality. That old job, with the fun but very superficial false-friends, is not where my heart is. The job is a status job, as it is an upper administrative position, and I could care less today. I know where I need to be, and that is not it, for it does not touch my soul nor ignite the passion I feel for my TRUE calling in the workplace. If I have to take that job to survive I will, but until my funds run out I will continue to search for what moves my soul???.I am just where I need to be.

I may have to leave the home that I have spent a fifth of my life in. At first I was just devastated, and then came the barrage of the ?what if? questions. What if I can?t find another house surrounded by all this natural beauty? What if I can?t find a place of solitude where I can take all my animals? The ?what ifs? are nothing but my fears, that I am afraid I cannot handle and deal with what life throws at me. Today I know better; I have overcome great adversities in my life and I know I will transcend all these as well. And my spring will then arrive in full bloom.

I truly am just where I need to be, and so grateful to be here.

?To exist is to change, to change is to mature,
to mature is to go on creating oneself endlessly.?

---Henri Berson

---Jerry Fleishman

---William Durant

?Two things fill me with constantly increasing admiration and awe,
the longer and more earnestly I reflect on them:
the starry heavens without and the moral law within.?

---Immanuel Kant

?The next message you need
is always right where you are.?

---Ram Dass

?Too many people miss the silver lining because they're expecting gold.?

---Maurice Setter

?To become different from what we are,
we must have some awareness of what we are.?

---Bruce Lee

?It can be tempting to blame others for our loss of direction.  We get lots of information
about life but little education in life from parents, teachers, and other authority figures,
who should know better from their experience.  Information is about facts.
Education is about wisdom and the knowledge of how to love and survive.
But no matter how much advice you get, you are the one who chooses which train to board.
As you pass through life, pay attention to the signs and stations; if you don't like the scenery,
pull the emergency cord and get off the train.  There is no other conductor in charge.
There is no one who needs to give you permission to transfer.
This is your life.  Your journey.  Your trip to conduct.?

---Bernie Siegal

?Often anger is a sign of engagement with life.  People who are angry are touched deeply by the events of their lives
and feel strongly about them.  As an emotion, it has its limitations and it certainly has very bad press, but my
experience with ill people suggests there is something healthy about it.  Certainly the cancer studies by Levy, Temoshak, and Greer suggest that many people who
recover become angry first.  Anger is just a demand for change, a passionate wish for things to be different. . . . Anger becomes a problem for people only when
they become wedded to it as a way of life.?

---Rachel Naomi Ramen

A dear friend told me that I needed to blog today, and I thought, ?How can I with all this CHAOS in my life?? Then I just read the passage quoted above, and I realized she was right; I need to talk about my anger.

As a child, I was taught to never feel anger, for anger got me hurt. As an adult, until fourteen years ago,  I recreated my abusive parents with my choice of men in my life, and stayed cut off from my anger, for expressing it again would get me hurt, and hurt badly.

14 years ago, I started seeing the world thru new eyes, and got extensive therapy for about five years. I was basically frozen in all feelings, except shame and insecurity, and it took me about five years before I ever felt anger. Over time I learned to recognize that anger was a signal that I was being mistreated in some way, so it became a very useful tool in taking care of myself. I learned not to ?react? on anger, but instead to step back, give the situation careful thought, and then ACT on that anger- calmly, assertively, and with no drama.

Four days ago I felt rage???..I did not calmly step back and act on the anger, I called the person immediately and re-acted, not only calling her a bitch, but a ?stone cold bitch who has ice flowing thru her veins.? Is this a relapse on my part, a failure to deal with a situation in a healthy way? I thought that initially, but now I think that this is just a reminder from the universe that I am as imperfect as the next person, and very very human. This woman had not only mistreated me, but had mistreated some helpless elderly people who were dying, and she let these people suffer for over five days. Inconceivable- that someone could be that heartless and cruel. So do I feel remorse today, shame, like I have failed in anger management? Absolutely not, in fact I feel empowered. Evolved souls have often talked about how there is a spontaneous right action for every situation. For me, as I sit here this morning, I definitely feel that I have and I am continuing to choose the spiritually right action in this specific situation.

I still feel the anger, and this will motivate me to continue to fight for these helpless terminally ill people. It is discouraging, esp when fighting the corporate world, for most who arrive there are as calculating and cruel as the woman described above. They no longer see people as human, with feelings, emotions, needs, vulnerabilities??.they only see them as dollar signs and numbers. But the universe yesterday placed me in contact with someone who IS at the top of the corporate food chain who has NOT lost her compassion and humanity for those less fortunate, the one in a million. She has given me the HOPE that the ?little people? can make a difference for the better, even when facing the cruel giants of the corporate world. And I have re-found the strength and motivation to continue to advocate for what is right, the spontaneous spiritual right choice. It is not over, and I will do whatever it takes to ensure that these vulnerable people are receiving the quality care that they need and deserve. I think of the story about where thousands of sand dollars had washed up & were dying on shore, and a little boy was throwing the few he could back in. A man approached and said, ?Why are you wasting your time, there is no way you could make a difference.? The little boy threw one back in and said, ?Well, I sure made a difference to that one.?

?When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems
as though you could not hold on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is
just the place and the time that the tide will turn.?

---Harriet Beecher Stowe

?So much attention is paid to the aggressive sins, such as violence and cruelty
and greed with all their tragic effects, that too little attention is paid

to the passive sins, such as apathy and laziness, which in the long run
can have a more devastating and destructive effect upon society than the others.?

---Eleanor Roosevelt

?There is a tendency among many shallow thinkers of our day to teach
that every human act is a reflex, over which we do not exercise human control. They would rate a generous deed as no more praiseworthy than a wink, a crime
as no more voluntary than a sneeze. . . Such a philosophy undercuts all human dignity. . . All of us have the power of choice in action at every moment of our lives.?
---Fulton J Sheen

?What we think, or what we know, or what we believe, is in the end, of little consequence.  The only thing of consequence is what we do.?

---John Ruskin

?It is from numberless diverse acts of courage and belief that
human history is shaped.  Each time a person stands up for
an ideal or strikes out against injustice, he or she sends forth
a tiny ripple of hope, and crossing each other from a million
different centers of energy and daring those ripples build
a current which can sweep down the mightiest walls
of oppression and resistance.?

---Robert F Kennedy

?There is no comparison between that which is lost by not succeeding
and that which is lost by not trying.?

---Francis Bacon

I live my life trying to become comfortable with uncertainty.  And over the years, I think I have indeed made progress in that area. I have learned to just go with the flow and changes that life brings, as well as just let my emotions quietly pass thru me, effortlessly and without resistance. However, this week has thrown me two double whammies so to speak. I know in time I will grow thru overcoming, and eventually transcending these adversities, but right now all I feel is overwhelmed, scared, and all alone in the world. I feel very small sitting here in this room, like the walls are just closing in.

I have had just an ideal summer part time job, working with true friends, with little of the stressors normally present in the work world. Was a joy to go to work and I looked forward to the fun I would have with my friends each day. In little over a week, my nirvana has come crashing down, as they brought in new management who are very rigid, controlling, egotistical, and have no regard for the well being of their employees. Employees are there for them to use to help elevate their already overblown egos and to exert their unending quest for power and control. There was a time in my life when I would of minimized the whole situation by saying maybe they will ?calm down? after they get comfortable with their new roles. Well, those days of denial for me are long gone; I know without question I can never change another human being, place, or thing. The only things I will EVER have control of are my own actions and behaviors. I walk down an entirely different street today, and I know I will get out of this dysfunctional situation where I now live in a state of constant hypervigilance. It is not acceptable for me; life is too short and too precious. I have posted new resumes and will spend the weekend actively seeking another job, for me this is the only option???.As I have stated, today I walk down an entirely different street.

Then three days ago the universe decided I needed a little more adversity to overcome. I was just cruising down the road, and suddenly I was hit with complete financial devastation. Poof???.happened in what seemed like an instant. I went into robot mode, did what I needed to do for my survival, but I had to dip into my funds ?for a rainy day? and now I sit her terrified as I  realize my security blanket is GONE. Somehow I have got to get comfortable with this uncertainty, but I sure am not there yet. I can barely even type this, I am a woman alone in the world and absolutely TERRIFIED.

Jung stated, ?People are never helped in their suffering by what they think for themselves, but only by revelation of a wisdom greater than
their own.  It is this which lifts them out of their distress.? Any wise words that any of my readers may have for me today would be VERY much appreciated as I am confused and I need help.

?When we try

to pick out anything by itself,

we find it hitched to

everything else in the universe.?

---John Muir

?We must never lose

our sense of awe at the magnificence

of our planet?

---Anonymous

Yesterday I had to work in this sweltering heat??.with my old reliable Honda, and I know she will get me where I need to go, but I am also aware that parts of her are fading fast, specifically her AC???I was sweating in places that I did not even know I had that capacity, and for awhile I really got caught up in my own pity party??.but then a co-worker said something that changed my whole perspective??..she was talking about her son in Iraq, and stated that the temp there is an average of ten degrees higher than the 103 scorcher that we had yesterday???hmmmm???and I felt myself shifting and then coming from a more grateful place??.

I got home and quickly settled in to my very comfortable 68-degree space and I felt this incredible sense of safety and belonging as I took a delicious nap- falling asleep as I was watching the sun go down and listening to the soothing summer sounds of the crickets and frogs??..I felt such joy and gratitude for being given another day here, and I realized that there was no where else I would rather be at that moment??..Summer bliss, one of the truly good things in life J

I awoke and then lit candles all thru the house, turned off all the lights??..and took a long bath by candlelight, with the mystical sounds of Enya playing in the background??.I went outside for awhile, and just felt this overwhelming sense of awe as I heard my mama cat talking to her kittens, with that distinct rolling ?r? sound, and felt so honored and privileged to be a witness to it all, and I am so glad for all of the animals that have chosen me to take care of them, they make my world such a better place???

I then indulged in something that only can be enjoyed in the summertime???I danced naked on the hill by home to the sounds of the Cowboy Junkies, their music just resonates in my heart space, swirling around under the vast expanse of the stars??.and for awhile, I just merged with the moon & the stars that just go on and on for infinity?. I just lost all track of time??.. YUMMM, summer bliss??.

I sit here this morning, looking around me, and I realize what a gift we are given with our own private spaces??.there are many less fortunate in the world who do not have what most of us take for granted???I am comforted in my space, as I look around surrounded by things that touch my soul??..the paintings of Robert Lyn Nelson, with his wonderful ocean scenes???and my pictures all thru the house of my beloved sunsets??.and my hundreds of books on spirituality and personal growth???and all my music, probably over a thousand CD?s here, with every type of music imaginable: new age, Celtic, angel music, alternative, and tons of my deepest love, the early 70?s stuff??..Pink Floyd, Led Zeppelin, Eric Clapton??.YUMMY, life gets no better than that???..

I think I am going to close this by sharing what I have hanging on my wall beside my bathtub???I have read this probably a thousand times, but have never grown tired of its quiet & profound wisdom??..

Desiderata

---

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Written by Max Ehrmann

Fourteen years ago, I started seeing the world thru new eyes. One of the first things I realized is that I had lived life up to that point without really living at all. I unconsciously reacted to the externals around me, and had no clue as to my own values, beliefs, needs, feelings, & opinions. In other words I had no inner life, no awareness of self. And I just existed in life, waiting for future events to occur to give my life meaning. Of course, when those events occurred, I could not enjoy them---for I did not know HOW to live in the now, so I then focused on other future events. I lived a half-life without really living life at all. I then started that lifelong journey discovering who I really am, what I need, what I believe in, what makes my life meaningful and to matter. 

I feel naked???.exposed??very vulnerable??scared??for I am now at a place I have never been before???and have to let go of that old way of thinking and being??..there is no going back, it is now in my awareness??? ?It doesn?t matter how long you have forgotten, only how soon you remember.?--Buddha

I live my life trying to stay open to blissful  serendipity????.

And last night, they showed ?The Secretary? on Oprah?s Oxygen channel?never saw that one coming??.what a fantastic way to end an exhausting workweek??..nirvana

I have spent my morning watching a deer enjoy my very tall grass, and one of my kittens finally getting the nerve to rub up against her and make a new friend???.deer are such gentle graceful creatures??..I feel such AWE????had been thinking about cutting my grass today, but fuck that???..what a human may view as a sign of laziness on my part, to this doe I have presented an  ?all you can eat? buffet J

I am at this in-between place again???.have been sensing this for days???I feel less terror this time, for I have been at this place before???.instead I feel this mounting rush of excitement for what is to come??..for that trapeze bar is swinging towards me???I have no idea where it will take me, but intuitively I know that it is a place I have not gone thus far??

I have made a new friend here in cyberspace????and he has chosen that road less traveled?? what an honor and a privilege to watch him learn and grow???. ??..And his writings reflect that he too is at this in-between place???and this post is dedicated to you new friend???you know who you are???.Thank you so much for sharing with me who you are & who you are becoming, you have sooooooooo many gifts ???ah, serendipity J

The Parable of the Trapeze

---

Turning the Fear of Transformation into the Transformation of Fear

---

Sometimes I feel that my life is a series of trapeze swings. I'm either hanging on to a trapeze bar swinging along or, for a few moments in my life, I'm hurtling across space in between trapeze bars.

Most of the time, I spend my life hanging on for dear life to my trapeze-bar-of-the-moment. It carries me along at a certain steady rate of swing and I have the feeling that I'm in control of my life.

I know most of the right questions and even some of the answers.

But every once in a while as I'm merrily (or even not-so-merrily) swinging along, I look out ahead of me into the distance and what do I see? I see another trapeze bar swinging toward me. It's empty and I know, in that place in me that knows, that this new trapeze bar has my name on it. It is my next step, my growth, my aliveness coming to get me. In my heart of hearts I know that, for me to grow, I must release my grip on this present, well-known bar and move to the new one.

Each time it happens to me I hope (no, I pray) that I won't have to let go of my old bar completely before I grab the new one. But in my knowing place, I know that I must totally release my grasp on my old bar and, for some moment in time, I must hurtle across space before I can grab onto the new bar.

Each time, I am filled with terror. It doesn't matter that in all my previous hurtles across the void of unknowing I have always made it. I am each time afraid that I will miss, that I will be crushed on unseen rocks in the bottomless chasm between bars. I do it anyway. Perhaps this is the essence of what the mystics call the faith experience. No guarantees, no net, no insurance policy, but you do it anyway because somehow to keep hanging on to that old bar is no longer on the list of alternatives. So, for an eternity that can last a microsecond or a thousand lifetimes, I soar across the dark void of "the past is gone, the future is not yet here."

It's called "transition." I have come to believe that this transition is the only place that real change occurs. I mean real change, not the pseudo-change that only lasts until the next time my old buttons get punched.

I have noticed that, in our culture, this transition zone is looked upon as a "no-thing," a noplace between places. Sure, the old trapeze bar was real, and that new one coming towards me, I hope that's real, too. But the void in between? Is that just a scary, confusing, disorienting nowhere that must be gotten through as fast and as unconsciously as possible?

NO! What a wasted opportunity that would be. I have a sneaking suspicion that the transition zone is the only real thing and the bars are illusions we dream up to avoid the void where the real change, the real growth, occurs for us. Whether or not my hunch is true, it remains that the transition zones in our lives are incredibly rich places. They should be honored, even savored. Yes, with all the pain and fear and feelings of being out of control that can (but not necessarily) accompany transitions, they are still the most alive, most growth-filled, passionate, expansive moments in our lives.

So, transformation of fear may have nothing to do with making fear go away, but rather with giving ourselves permission to "hang out" in the transition between trapezes. Transforming our need to grab that new bar, any bar, is allowing ourselves to dwell in the only place where change really happens. It can be terrifying. It can also be enlightening in the true sense of the word. Hurtling through the void, we just may learn how to fly.

I recently got an email asking me what religion I am ??.and I would like to share what I have learned thus far on my journey about this issue. I will say up front that this is just my truth, and I certainly could be wrong, so just take what you need and throw away the rest.

 In answer to his question, I am not religious at all??however I do see myself as deeply spiritual.

I see religion as going to someone ELSE for the answers. It is a way to control the unconscious masses. I still sometimes study religions, take what I need and leave the rest. I think I relate the most to Taoism, for that is all about getting quiet inside and listening to your inner knowing. In fact, many of the foundations in twelve step groups can be directly traced to the spiritual truths taught in eastern religions. Some religions scare me, because they are so violent, especially Christianity and Islam/Muslim. Does that mean I throw out all the teachings of those two???? no not at all??..again, I take what I need and throw away the rest. I DO believe that some very evolved spiritual beings have walked before us, such as: Buddha, Jesus, Lao-tzo, Kahlil Gibran, Martin Luther King, the list is endless. Does that mean that one of them has made more contributions to society than the others???.no, for they were all unique gifts to us and thus each shared their own unique insights. I also know that evolved spiritual beings walk among us now, often unrecognized, such as Wayne Mueller, the Dalai Lama, Jacqueline Small, my friend Steve in Seattle, again the list is endless???

Spirituality to me is about going inside myself for the answers. It is about connecting with my inner voice, that inner knowing. My inner feelings, beliefs, & values are reflected thru my outer actions and behaviors??in other words I choose to live my life with integrity & meaning. My highest commitment is to growing spiritually, for as each day passes, I realize how very little I know about anything in life??..this leaves me teachable and thus able to learn and grow.

Which brings me to a parallel that I see in the BDSM realm: Organized verses Evolved BDSM.

Evolved BDSM to me is about creating something new and right for me and my soulmate. It is about valuing & creating unique  rituals, traditions, and routines that will strengthen our bond and give our relationship meaning. With this comes recognition that our needs and wants will grow and change, thus these rituals, traditions, & routines will change as well. And with all of them, it will be about willing to risk discovering new parts of ourselves, and knowing that some things will work for us, and some will not??..and that this is all good in the long run. Discovery of these truths involves mutual respect, mutual fulfillment,  mutual commitment to the relationship (and making it a very high daily priority), and above all, a commitment to a mutual gut-level sharing of honesty & self-disclosure with each other. To sum it up, it is about living life ?out of the box,???..shoot it is about blowing that box APART actually, each marching to our own drummer, then merging and creating a sacred ?we? out of the whole process.