SeeksPassion

It's been a long time since I wa onhere.  The picture is old, not wanting to post a new one.  That cat passed years ago.  I look pretty much the same.

I am not currently seeking, though I will read most of your mails.

So I am single once again.  I am taking my attitude and my baggage for a trip this summer to Canada. Why Canada ? because I hope to drop the baggage off in the Great White North.  Nothing beats baggage ?

NOTE 1: Two-and-a-half months of ignoring e-mails, it is hard work to read all the crap that comes my way.  If I don?t respond take that as a lack of interest; don?t write me three times in the same day and get mad because I didn?t respond. When I do come here, I get about eight to ten e-mails an hour;  I don?t like saying no that many times.

NOTE 2:  If you send me vulgar pictures without me asking for them ? be assured you will be reported.  I doubt the Collarme.com officials really care, but it is the only recourse I have.  Read, be offended, report and delete.

Just to say I hope everyone has a ...
Wonderful Holiday Season

As celebrations go, Thanksgiving is always a fun one, even though it celebrates some very dark things in our history as a country.  For the all good things about it ?

Happy Thanksgiving

      A month since I?ve written anything here, where does the time go.  I have been this guy I see on occasion.  We are more friends with benefits and not serious.  We have had a conversation to that fact, so no he is not a boyfriend I am just cheating on ?

      If you are interested in anything more then friends please be clear about your desires.  I am so fed up with one line e-mails done in text formats.  Please write complete sentences and have more to say then hello if you e-mail me.

      Well, it?s been a while since my last entry. 

      My grandmother (my last grand parent) passed away.  She was 97 so it wasn?t a surprise, just a little sad.  We?d all said our goodbyes, being that she had been in declining health for over five years.

      My new boyfriend, as bland as he is sensually, she makes up for in nearly every other aspect.  He is a kind heart, a good man, just not the Dominant I desire.  I don?t know how long we will be together.  He knows I seek more.

      If I could find a Master with his qualities I?d have found the man I?d do almost anything for ?  too bad the one I know like him, and I are only friends.

      So here I am Monday morning after a long weekend.  I spent some of it with my new friend and more of it with my family.  My new friend it turns out is much more of a submissive than I?d ever thought I?d date.  He is a very good kisser though.  My family well they are my family; can?t live with them, and can?t arrange that many car crashes.

      If only I had it in me to be a Domme; I?d really be set with this new man. 

      C?est la Vie (over tones of Simply Red?)

     Just so some of my friends know ? I?ve started seeing this guy.  He?s not a dominant; he may even be submissive.  He is just a nice guy, and a good kisser.  I doubt things will last with him, though if he?s half as good in bed as he is at kissing, that might change ? Something tells me though that if I ask him to tie me up, he?d freak! 

     We went out on Friday night, and then again for coffee and a walk on the beach on Easter Sunday.  I like him; if he were dominant he?d be very close to perfect.  We?ll see how things go.

Two Things: 

1)    Cat jokes involving alternate names for house cats ? Not Funny!

2)    At this time I have deleted all my previous mail.  So don?t expect me to be able to go back and read something.  This is not an invitation to resend your inane form letter asking for my attention.

Here it is another morning, where I awoke just before the alarm.  I hate that, and I don?t hate anything.  I woke up at 5:38 by my clock; my alarm goes off at 5:45.  I didn?t wake up in the way you roll over and can drift back to sleep, but I woke up in the way you are up, for at least an hour ? cheated out of 7 minutes sleep.  It is so, so frustrating.

? for those of you who are writing me asking me my interests.  I did a good job filling them out.  Don?t write me and ask: ?What are you interests??  I have a listed the ones that piqued my curiosity from the list, at the time I made the profile.  It is not all inclusive, just touched on the highlights.  I am not set in stone, and would expect any real person not to be either. 

Furthermore: if you want to know something ? grow a pair and ask!  I may be a slave, but I have limits ? and have listed them.

I really don?t like having to point out such obvious things.

You know I am really considering just deleting every mail in both my received mail and bulk mail folder.  Just for a fresh start. 

      It seems life on CollarMe isn?t good for everyone.  I have a few friends who may be leaving do to the inordinate number of fakes found on this site.  I hope you two don?t go, because there are a few good people here, though they seem to be few and far between.

      So many lesbians on this site ? so many of them are so pretty ...  Makes you wonder; how many of them are really women?

      I know I wonder.

      So how many of you ladies who list yourself as Lesbian actually do so just to keep the men away?  Does it work?  Why would you want to keep the men away anyways?

Okay, Okay, Okay!

I get it.

It's not a unique fantasy, nor is it something I want you to invite me to do.  No I am not picking up a lady and joining you at your house in where ever you live to explore it again.

Sorry, I posted it ... 30 minutes and I've received over 35 E-mails. 
Just so you know I am not responding to any E-mails about that last post ... if I receive many more I will take it down.

Here I thought it would be safe to post while playing Pac-man at 4 AM.  Silly me!

        I have no one in my life I can tell this.  I am learning more and more my friends don?t really accept this part of me.  So I guess I will post it here.  Until the Censors tell me I have to take it down.

        I met an older couple last week, a very cute lady and her rather large man. (They are both in their late 30's.)  She is a little Latina woman, maybe 5? tall (stress on the maybe) 100 pounds dripping wet, and flexible as all get out. (She was a gymnast, who qualified for the 1988 Olympics as a substitute, as I understand it.) He is 6?4? and 350 pounds at least, well hung, well mannered and very dominant. (He played some college football, and he is very strong, I like that.)

        We went out as a threesome twice this last weekend.  We played last night.  I don?t think they are going to be the couple I join, for any sort of a Long Term Relationship, but they sure showed me something new.  She is passionate, giving and very submissive to him.  Not quite a slave, but she is very well behaved and most certainly his.

        There was something we did, I had never done before; made my year already.  I don?t know how detailed I can be in a journal entry, but there was a very unique fantasy of theirs I helped fulfill.  She wore a masculine prosthesis, and the two of them double penetrated me ? I returned the favor for her.

        I?d never done that before; been filled in such a way (or returned the favor).  It was a very special moment for me ? it opened my eyes, allowed me to enjoy something in a way I never thought would be possible.  It still hurts a little, it was a big prosthesis.  But it?s a pain I can endure.

        Okay so I am bragging a bit ?

Happy New Years

everyone

I will not be going out as I have a bad cold.

Have fun for me.

Merry Christmas Everyone

I know its crunch time, but I hope everyone has a wonderful day the next couple days.

Happy Birthday Michael!

Why didn?t you tell me it was your Birthday.  Vicky had to tell me ? even Bri and Cindy knew before I did ? well I probably shouldn?t be mad at you ? I never asked.

Notes for this early morning: (Also called, the things running through my brain at 2 AM)

      Get some sleep, because tomorrow is going to be a long day.

      The guy who wrote that stuff is still a jerk.

      How does anyone score that much on the Tetris? game on here?

      Why is Rap considered an African American Music Form (PC FTL) when a number (not all but some really famous ones) of early rap acts were Caucasian? (She asked listening to her Beastie Boys play-list on her I-pod?)

      Now anyone who has read my profile knows I am not above quoting such twits as the this guy who wrote me.  Okay I can?t believe this guy, he wrote this:

?HAHA..reading your messages and posts, I find it amazing that you call yourself a slave...
You're pretty much a self-controlling ungrateful bitch.
Change your information to reflect your self-centered, non-giving personality.
You're not looking to get collared. you're looking to fulfill your own selfish needs. Enjoy hugging your pussycat. That's all you'll be close to.?

      What a jerk.  Of course I am self-centered, isn?t every slave?  I want what I want.  However for the right man woman or couple ? I will make it all about them.  I want that more than most of the things I want.

            Some people don?t get it.  This guy is one of them ?

      Sitting at dinner last night, the man I?ve been dating lately and I had a conversation.

      ?So have you been having fun this last week??  He asked me.  We?ve been seeing each other just over a week.

      ?Yes, I have? I replied.  We kissed.  He?s an okay kisser, not the best kisser I?ve met, but he is at least practiced. ?I have a question for you though ?? I hinted at something more.

      The waiter came over, a cute guy named Owen, a bit tall, but cute; we shushed him away, saying we needed nothing.

      He asked me once he left. ?What is it??  He had a wry smile in his eyes. 

      I asked him, ?Have you been having fun?? but I left it hanging like there was more; because there was ?

      ?Oh, hell yes!? he replied.

      ?I wanted to ask you though, have you ever ?? I paused; I mean he?s a good lover; he?s not too small and not too big.  He knows how to work his hips and all ? but there it?s all been vanilla.

      ?What is it?? He half whispered getting close.

      ?Have you ever spanked any of your girlfriends?? I couldn?t believe I was asking him this in the restaurant.  The idea had me tingling and excited.

      ?No,? he replied, ?Why is that something you want?? He asked almost sheepishly.

      I just smiled.

      Fast forward a bit to later last night.  We were at his place, and having sex.  He turned me over so I was laying face down and tried his best to spank me while he rode me. 

        Some guys just don?t get it.

      This is not an invitation to E-mail me and tell me you can spank me well.  I was just tempting the vanilla fates to see if he had any redeeming D/s qualities. Sadly he didn?t ?

Oh lord this is such a bad idea? the E-mails I am going to get from this.

            All right I give; for four days I have received over 40 E-mails from Every conceivable person, all telling me they are not named Michael.  I get it; not all Doms on here are named Michael.  I only posted that because I had received many E-mails and nearly half of them were signed Michael.  Now I know better ?

            ?you can stop writing me and telling me your name is not Michael.

            Yes, to answer the few people with whom I have been talking with I do follow football; and yes being a San Diegan I know well, am familiar with, and am a fan of the Chargers.  Don?t razz me about it either.

            Yes I have been seeing someone.  No right now he is not the He I seek, he?s just a good lay ... makes me want to ?quote? Morrissey and the Smiths ? ?I?m So Sorry? ? for those of you who know the song ?

Why do you come here
When you know it makes things hard for me ?
When you know, oh
Why do you come ?
You had to sneak into my room
'just' to read my diary
"It was just to see, just to see"
(All the things you knew I'd written about you...)
Oh, so many illustrations
Oh, but
I'm so very sickened
Oh, I am so sickened now
Oh, it was a good lay, good lay
It was a good lay, good lay

      Is every Dominant on CollarMe named Michael?

      I receive about 12 to 15 E-mails a day.  I do my best to look over them.  Just because I read your E-mails does not mean I am going to respond.  Please, do not make the assumption.  Just because I read your profile, does not mean I am so interested in you that I need to contact you.  How else am I to know?

.

      I have been here for sometime, and I have received many E-mails.  Some are thought provoking and poignant ... others are rude, condescending and/or just plain boringly short.  I do not pretend to understand everyone who writes me, nor do I need a connection with you to read your E-mail. 

      I have spent some time with my new Friend and He is exceptionally skilled, though we are not connecting in the way either of us would wish to connect.  It is sad really, because I have learned from him, I am not only attracted to tall white muscular men.  Men shorter than me can be appealing; men who are the night to my day have an appeal and men who are much, much larger than I ever thought can be tempting if they are the right sort of man.  I owe him much for showing me something new about myself.

      Currently, I am still available.  He may act as protector though, so you may need to convince Him you aren?t just out to whip me so you can enjoy yourself.  Not that I need protection, but it?s nice to know its there.

      I have been browsing the profiles of a few female domes.  I am not exclusively looking for a He or a She, but I can say even though my eyes are opened, ?he/shes? ? still not on my list ? no offense intended.

      I do wonder though why there is such a preponderance of Female ?Professional? Dommes.  Shouldn?t there also be Professional Male Doms?  Do Male Doms ask for tribute as easily as the Female ones?

      So I will spend the rest of the morning awake, before work, wondering and dreaming of the one who will show me more about myself than I know now ? more then I have recently learned ? one who can, one who will capture my mind completely and teach me all about who I am ...  My Own Personal Jesus ?

      It has been four days since I was last with Him.  It was intense serving Him, but there is no draw in me to return to His side.  We have talked, and though we both enjoyed our time together, I am not drawn back to him.

      I do not think it was his physical appearance.  I could, and likely will be with Him again, in some proto-sexual Dominant/submissive way.  I may even serve Him again, but right now ? there is something missing.  I do not say He is not the one, He?s just not the one right now.  That might change as I grow, and He grows on me. 

      I don?t know how to better explain it than; He is a competent Dominant male, though there was something missing from my time with Him.  It would have been nice if He had been the one; He is kind, generous and Dominant all at once.  He is a good soul, even if he is not my good soul.

      I do want to say to all who have expressed concern; that ?Firestorm 2007? did not harm me or mine.  There were a few scares, but nothing was lost.  (So stop writing me and asking ?  ;-P  )

      I am still looking though must less vigorously; as He is not the one I hoped he was ? yet.  Please however, remember that just because I read you E-mail, it does not mean I am interested, or will even have the time to respond.

      I hope your days lately have been as good as mine.

      It?s the Fourth and I am finally home.  There is a certain relief in my soul after spending the last two days ? partying, and with Him.  The party was great, none stop, a great evening.  I didn?t win the costume party, but I wasn?t the only Zombie Blonde there.

      Spending time with Him ? on one hand it was amazing.  He was every bit as Dominant in person as he was on-line, and the phone.  He was everything I wanted, when I was in His arms, I was safe, I was protected and comforted in ways I have always dreamed of ?

      The other hand, it was definitely humiliating as He is as He had said; heaver than any man I had ever been with.  He is not unattractive, just not my type.  It was humiliating; and I have to say I kind of got off on it.  There may be hope for this yet.

      Well, I am meeting my friend I wrote about before.  He and I will be having dinner tonight, as I have a costume party tomorrow night to attend.  No, I will not be posting a picture of me as a zombie with blood and bruises and gore. 

      Get this it turns out he lives only 12 miles from my place; so who says there isn?t fate.  I am a little nervous about tonight?s dinner though.  He is great is so many ways.  Just hope things are possible.  I think I like him, I hope there is a chemistry of some kind when we meet; because, there certainly is on here.

      This does not mean I am His.  Well, not yet anyways ?

As Summer?s End approaches, on the Eve of all Hallows Day, I want to wish you all a Happy Hallowe?en.

Trick ?

?or Treat 

Can my tricks be treats?

      Well,

      This will be long-winded and rather terse.  Please forgive the indignation and ire replete through the following entry.

      It hasn?t been long since my last entry; and I am okay with that.  This is one place the response is as varied as the people reading the posts.  So I may (I doubt it) blog here more often.

      I received an irate e-mail from a man; well his profile said male, so I am assuming he was one, benefit of the doubt and all. He berated me, for some length about how I speak my mind too much to be a slave.  It was in his opinion less likely that I was female, than submissive at any rate.

      You may ask why I continued to read his mail after the first scathing few lines.  I try to read all the mail that is sent my way.  You never know what might be hidden in some e-mail: some gem of knowledge; some tell tale sign of the person you may want to share your life with; or, it could be I just enjoy reading, even if it is a puerile and vicious assault on who I am.

      Now ?

      He posited the question: Do you know the difference between Submissive and Slave?

      Again he questioned later: Do you know that slaves should only speak when spoken too?

      Even later: Would you submit to a voice verification of your sex, to prove you are a woman?

      These questions are paraphrased to avoid vulgar language. Here is my very public response.

      In my opinion, the one that is important to me (since I have no one to give me my opinion): The difference between a submissive and a slave is degree.  A submissive submits, a slave is enslaved, no mind, no choice, no way but her master?s way.  (I use the pronoun ?her? because I am female, not a male ? and ? I?ve never had a male slave, though I surmise it is much the same.)

      I identify as slave, which means I am a slave, when I have someone to serve.  Not to every person barely capable of typing an e-mail with run-on sentences and poor spelling.  I choose my words carefully when typing even the simplest of e-mails.  I appreciate those that give me the same courtesy. 

      (So I may type when not typed to; who is speaking here anyways.)

      Lastly, if you do not believe I am who I say I am.  Fine!

      Until you matter enough for me to care about your opinion, I will not worry about it at all.  If you think I am male, then enjoy the sarcasm and move one.  If you realize that I am who I say I am, good for both of us.  I assume you are who you say you are, not some 12 year old with a laptop and a vicious uncontrollable libido ? well maybe you are the 41 year old 12 year old you show yourself to be who can?t have a vicious uncontrollable ? libido.

      Even with words chosen carefully.  I can still rant and ramble.

      Please, remember.  I do not belong to anyone right now.  There is no one to let me have my say, except me.  So until I give up that control, to someone, who has the right to tell me how to behave.  I will behave how I choose.

      It is still My choice; no one else?s.

      Hmmm, how hard is it to type out words?  How hard is it to understand text message formats?  I think the first is infinitely easier than the second.  If you?re not going to take the time to type, please do not take the time to write me.

      I have received some positive responses on my last journal entry.  As well as a few not so pleasing photos, and offers .  Once more, if I choose to entertain the idea, I have the person with which I will explore that particular kink.  No more offers on the subject are needed.

      All in all, barring a few unsolicited photos; a few more than creepy offers (like being paid to be someone?s slave for a month or certain anatomical marvels that more frighten than arouse); my time here has been exceptional. 

      I wanted to send a Thank You to all those who have been so nice.

      I am not going anywhere, but I believe a compliment taken well, needs to be acknowledged.

      Once more Thank You.

      I?d also like to extend good wishes, to all my fellow SoCal Neighbors, which have been affected so negatively by these wildfires this past week.  There were some true heroes amongst those who fought the fires; San Diego especially has had a wondrous response to the need of their neighbors. (When was the last time you heard of a disaster where people were turned away from Evacuation Shelters because they didn?t need any extra hands?)  It truly is America?s Finest City (? and this extends to all those in the suburbs too, you?re just as great)!

I received a well thought out e-mail, well written and mildly disturbing; well at least thought-provokingly disturbing.  This gentleman I?ve been chatting with, very nice guy, very articulate (which I love) were discussing predilections and preferences with respect to Domination and submission.  Not too uncommon conversation and something I know will eventually happen here, especially after like a twelfth e-mail.

We discussed how humiliation has its place, and how humiliation can be very erotic, very powerful part of submission.  I have some experience in sexual humiliation, and it has had a very positive effect on more than one of my relationships.  I am not above it; though it is not my preferred kink, I know it is a powerful part of the D/s experience.  So with that in mind ?

I was asked what are some of the most humiliating acts I?ve ever done, in the way of sexual humiliation.  He broached the subject of serving a man to whom I may not be physically attracted.  Someone who is obese, serving publicly, as his arm candy, his very toy; where being with him in public could be humiliating in and of itself.  Now I respect this man so I will not name him, by screen name; as I assumed he was referring to himself.

At first I was ? well disturbed.  I always thought I would want to find an Adonis, with an appropriately heavy hand, who liked to see me bound, and used.  Thoughts have crept in my head though; how humiliating it would be to serve a Master, which I did not find physically attractive.

This is not an invite for ever person who weighs significantly more than two of me to E-mail me.  Just a journal entry contemplating what has been brought to my attention.  Now I think I would prefer to serve a man to whom I am still attracted, but this thought of serving someone who is ? less than an Adonis does have some merit.  He just may be on to something.

(If I do decide to pursue such, I already have the one to whom I will serve who is as described, so please, no E-mails on the subject, unless you have something constructive to say, rather then just offer me you ?)

I cannot believe the overwhelming number of responses to my slightly mean and unintendedly vicious comment about Gor.  Some of the mail was a bit rude defending Gor.  I don?t mind if you want to live the fantasy.  Just not for me.

While I may have attended ComicCon more than once, and I did visit and spend a day at the last GenCon So Cal ? I am not fascinated with fantasy world that passes itself off as Gor.  Gorean society is much like Scientology.  Made up and best left in a book.  You do not need to contact me if you are so enamored with Gor that you put such in a profile.

A few things: (Forgive the sarcasm in these posts.  I have an acerbic tongue when it is not checked.  As I am no ones at the moment ? it is unchecked ?)

If you ask me to submit to you in your first letter you obviously know less about BDSM than you claim.

If you send me a second letter because I read your first one only to call me names, because I didn?t respond; you are likely less mature than my 8 year old nephew.

I do not want to leave where I am at right now ? as in the next two months ? after that I might consider relocating, but only if there is chemistry, passion and more than one meeting.  This does not mean I want to meet you tomorrow or anytime soon.

I can be choosey right up and until I choose.  This means if you are not spoken too, it just that your profile (or initial letter) did not speak to me in a way that compelled me to respond.  Just because I responded does not mean I am yours and I will not add that I am under your consideration in my profile within the space of two E-mails.

Maybe more later.

Wow!  I never expected such a response.  I am not at all prepared to answer the 120 or so E-mails I have received since signing up.  I tried reading them all, and it became like chaos in my head.  I probably should try when I am not mildly buzzed.

So if you sent me mail, give me some time I am trying to sort through them all.  Some made it to my bulk folder, which I would have wanted in my in-basket, while others in my in-basket definitely belonged in my Bulk Folder.  So there is some confusion there as well.

One thing I ask? I am literate, so if you choose to write me please use words not Text message formats.