SeekingFriends84

So a conversation with a friend the other day got me thinking about love.  What is it?  Why is everyone so desperate to find it?  My curiosity got the better of me so I immediately went and read a few articles on the psychology of love and I’ve previously seen a few great shows on how love supposedly works.  Guess what?  The psychologists are stumped lol.  There are a few things that they’ve gotten figured out though.  The truth is, truly, no man (or woman) is an island.  As a social animal, homo sapiens are happiest when they have deep, meaningful attachments to other people.  But are we spending so much time waiting around to magically “fall” in love that we miss the forest for the trees?

When you first meet someone that you are sexually attracted to, your brain almost immediately starts flooding your system with endorphins (we’ll call endorphins the “happy drug” or HD for short).  HD’s make you feel incandescently happy and excited.  In psychology, this state is called limerance (a state of extreme infatuation).  Because of today’s media and culture, most people mistake limerance for love.  Books, movies, T.V. shows, they all portray love as an effortless emotion that swoops in like a knight in shining armor (or a damsel in distress for you manly types) and sweeps you off your feet.  This is both unrealistic and impractical. 

Limerance only lasts for an average of 6 months.  Once the Happy Drugs are tapped out, then what?  Well, if you haven’t actually WORKED at falling in love, more than likely the relationship is going to slowly fade out.  A good analogy is a match vs. a bonfire.  A match is quick to ignite, burns hot and bright but is just as quick to fade.  A bonfire, while it takes much longer to get going and more effort, lasts for much longer.  If you are infatuated with someone and you really want the relationship to last, it’s about doing things that might make you a little uncomfortable.   Sharing thoughts and fears, taking time to LISTEN to your partner’s thoughts and fears, working hard to recognize that, while you shouldn’t leave yourself out of the equation, your partner’s hopes, dreams and everything else are just as important as your own.

Nothing kills love faster than insecurity.  For many of us, insecurity is a demon we must fight every day.  However, when you’re in a relationship or dating, try not to take every little thing personally or read too much into a situation (we are ALL guilty of this and I’ve certainly broken this rule a couple of times).  It’s hard not to listen to that inner voice telling us that we are inadequate or that we are not keeping our partner’s attention.   Beat that witch of an inner voice down with your ugly stick and be happy, try not to stress.  Sure, the relationship might not work out, but you can go away knowing YOU were true to yourself and be a little wiser.  It’ll hurt, but life often does.  It’s about what you do with that experience, not about the experience itself.

So, what is love?  An enigmatic emotion (maybe) that, while we have to work hard for it, makes us, as a species, happy and content.  Remember, movies don’t get everything, or much of anything for that matter, right and we have to make our own path.  Whether it’s heart break or limerance or “true love,” we all have to live, learn and experience the gauntlet that is life.  Have fun :P