samanthaforu

I think my greatest challenge in life is going to be to learn patience.

I wanted more sleep so I asked if it would be all right. Now I cannot sleep because I wait to talk to him. I need to be more careful what I ask for.

He has taken me under consideration. I am so excited and ... scared. I will beg and beg to be his, because my gut tells me it is right. I want to live life with him and for him. Already he has shown me so much, and there is so much more for him to teach, so much more for me to learn. I hope somehow that I please him, I hope someday that he is proud of me. I want so much to make him happy. I want to devote my life to that end, I need to, dear god, if there is a god... please let him accept me.

Too easily do I let the decisions of others who I owe nothing affect me.

You do not want me?

That is your loss, you are a fool and this girl does not suffer fools.

I am amazing and I know I will be even more amazing with the right Master.

You think I live in fantasy?

You, like everyone else are allowed their opinions.

I know who I am.

I know what I am.

I know what I will be.

A grain of salt in the ocean, a butterfly on the wind, even the smallest decision can have profound effects and the ripples will be felt.

A girl walks on her own feet for her own reasons.

My reasons to bow are mine, and not you or anyone else other then the one who will own me can tell me who, what, or why I am.

When what is freely offered is not wanted, there is nothing. Not love, not sex, not play, no learning, no forward movement, and no growth. There is only sadness and hurt and regret. I wonder why I bother at all, why I let myself care. I wonder why I stand here naked and wet with my own tears, but where else would I go?

This entry has been deleted for it's misrepresentation.

Sleep is a good thing.

A girl makes her way through the world. She learns, she grows each day taking on more and new tasks. Each day completing some things and each day gathering new things unto herself, and through it all, she smiles, because she knows in her gut the root is good.

Do not be mistaken, there are many branches that need to be pruned. There is much tending to be done before the abundance of sweet nectar and blissful fruit has ripened to maturity, but the seeds were planted, they were watered, shoots sprang forth and all the while the core is right. She is happy, even in her solitude, even untended, she grows and though the fruit she bears now is small, already it is honey sweet.

Today started with a mist and ended with sunshine bursting outwards despite the overcast sky. It was a good day and worry is far from it.

Some lessons are learned with book, some require paper and pencil. Others do not reach their full understanding until they are torn from ones heart or merged with their soul by the flushed heat of mortification. The latter of these lessons are the hardest to bear but quite possibly the most important. Thank you Sir for not letting such an important lesson go by untaught despite my initial rejection of wisdom.

Someday I hope to want what I have instead of what I don't. Someday I hope to be more thankful and stop taking things for granted. This girl does not mean to be so selfish and self-centered. It is not her nature to be so and yet, I am human. Like every human I have wants, I have needs, and I have desires. So often the things I desire and want supplant the things I need.

I am the fish out of water, the beetle on its back. I struggle and kick my legs futility in an attempt at life, but it is hollow without a Master to serve.