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love is an amazing fetish best served between two people who are the center of each others world :) Sending me a picture of your smile Will get more of a response then sending me a pic of your breasts I'm NOT looking for a one night stand, 0ne week stand,one month stand Not even one year stand But i am looking for one life stand :) Well first thank you for looking at my profile Shock horror yes I'm real and yes I'm romantic And yes I'm in the UK And yes I'm looking for my "one" not a stable full I would like the thank those that helped me when I wasn't 100% The only way is up :) I'm looking for a "normal" sub/slave, not into extreme Or beating the [email?protected]< data-cfhash='f9e31' type="text/java">/* */ out of you or tying someone's Breasts until they go purple :( I love most things from TiH downwards :) Love doing normal vanilla things If you have any questions then feel free to ask :) And I'm single and looking for L/T Ps if you want to play or you smoke then I'm not for You but I do wish you luck :) Ps yes I may relocate And no I'm not in Nigeria or Egypt I'm in Birmingham UK for my sins lol

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6/28/2016 3:35:35 AM
I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.:)

6/28/2016 3:33:45 AM
Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens airport. "Nationality?" asks the immigration officer. "German," she replies. "Occupation? "No, just here for a few days."

6/28/2016 3:32:55 AM
Got caught having a piss in the local swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in.:)

4/18/2016 9:43:27 AM
Two cannibals eating their dinner One cannibal said to the other I don't like my mother in law ! The other cannibal said then leave her and eat your vegetables :)

3/17/2015 6:13:04 AM
If you want to get my attention Don't send me a pic of your breasts or toys But send me a pic of your smile Doing that will get my full attention :)

3/9/2015 3:56:03 AM
An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While there, he is sexually promiscuous and doesn't use a condom. A week after arriving home, he finds his penis is covered with bright green spots. Horrified, he goes to see his doctor. Days later the doctor calls and says, 'I've got bad news. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare. We know little about it. We have to amputate your penis.' The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines him and proclaims, 'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD.' 'What can you do?' asks the man. 'My American doctor wants to amputate!' The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, 'Stupid American doctors always want to operate. Make more money that way. No need to operate!' 'Oh, thank God!' the man replies. 'Yes!' says the Chinese doctor. 'You no worry! Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself

2/8/2011 1:19:06 AM
well happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me happy birthday dear Markie happy birthday to me :) The post man has been :) 1 bill & 4 junk mail :( never mind there is always next year :(

12/11/2010 3:01:32 AM

a house without a dog is just a house

a house with a dog is a home

i now live in a house :(

RIP barney forever in my thoughts

9/16/2010 12:42:34 PM

Proofreading is a Dying Art these days!



Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't  you say? 

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter 

This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this.  It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!!  They put in a correction the next day.     





I just couldn't help but send this along. Too funny.   

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says 

      No crap, really? Ya think? 



Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers  

       Now that's taking things a bit far! 



Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over  

       What a guy!   



Miners Refuse to Work after Death 

 No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's! 



Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant  

See if that works any better than a fair trial! 



War Dims Hope for Peace  

 I can see where it might have that effect! 



 If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile 

   Ya think?! 



Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures  

      Who would have thought! 



Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide   

They may be on to something! 



Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges  

      You mean there's something stronger than duct tape? 



Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge  

     He probably IS the battery charge! 



New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group  

Weren't they fat enough?! 



Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft  

That's what he gets for eating those beans! 

 ---------------- ---------------------------------  


Kids Make Nutritious Snacks  

       Do they taste like chicken?



   Local  High School Dropouts Cut in Half  

       Chainsaw Massacre all over again! 



Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors  

       Boy, are they tall! 



And the winner is....  

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead  


     Did I read that right? 

9/10/2010 5:02:41 AM

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table.

He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?' he squeaks.


Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he roars.


Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, 'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.


'It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.


'And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-arses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once....



8/18/2010 5:29:31 AM

 Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves, you're going to smile when you think of this:

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was
nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his

'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.

'No, I don't,' she replied.
'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank
of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry,
then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.'
She didn't crack a smile.

'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought.
But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.

'What's so funny?' he asked.

'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'

8/18/2010 4:47:47 AM
I wish British airway or Virgin staff could that this airline way of life.
its just soooo funny :)




  Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg .


                  Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety


                  lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real


                  examples that have been heard or reported:



                  On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where


                  you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a


                  flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out


                  furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"



                  On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot


                  said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be


                  turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance


                  the appearance of your flight attendants."



                  On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your


                  belongings.. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's


                  something we'd like to have."



                  "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out


                  of this airplane."



                  "Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business


                  as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."




                  As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport , a lone


                  voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"


                  After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo , a


                  flight attendant on a flight announced, "Please take care when opening


                  the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as


                  hell everything has shifted."


                  >From a Kulula employee: " Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth .


                  To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and


                  pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't


                  know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public




                  "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend


                  from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your


                  face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask


                  before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one


                  small child, pick your favourite."



                  Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but


                  we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,


                  nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines."



                  "Your seats cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an


                  emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our




                  "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.


                  Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight


                  attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.."


                  And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Kulula Airlines is


                  pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in


                  the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"




                  Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town : The


                  flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump


                  and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the


                  airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight


                  attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."



                  Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town , on a particularly windy and


                  bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight


                  it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies


                  and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats


                  with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our


                  airplane to the gate!"



                  Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:


                  "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to


                  the terminal."



                  An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered


                  his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which


                  required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers


                  exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline. He said


                  that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the


                  passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.


                  Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking


                  with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"


                  "Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said,


                  "Did we land, or were we shot down?"



                  After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg , the attendant came on


                  with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain


                  Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt


                  against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning


                  bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way


                  through the wreckage to the terminal.."



                  Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank


                  you folks for flying with us today.. And, the next time you get the


                  insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal


                  tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways."



                  Heard on a Kulula flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke,


                  the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing.. If you can light


                  'em, you can smoke 'em."




                  A plane was taking off from Durban Airport . After it reached a


                   comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom,

                "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.


  Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from Durban to Cape Town , The


 weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY  GOODNESS!" Silence


  followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if i scared you earlier.


 While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a


 cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"


 A passenger then yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

5/19/2010 2:29:21 AM

This is dreadful sorry L



Two prawns were swimming around in the sea

One called Justin and the other called Kristian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Kristian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn;

I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted'

Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Kristian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.

All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.

Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold,

he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.

(The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.

'Where's Kristian?' he asked.

'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark',

came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Kristian's abode.

As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.

He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.'

Kristian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy,

and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'

Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.'.........



'I've found Cod. I'm a

Prawn again Kristian'

3/9/2010 3:45:43 AM

A Country wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength, borne of fury, and cutting firewood, lifting sacks of feed, and bales of hay, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the barn. She put his manhood in a vice and then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw.


The banged up cheater was terrified, and hollered, "Stop ! Stop ! You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?"


The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said........


"Nope...You are!  I'm gonna burn down the Barn!!!"

2/26/2010 2:45:18 AM

A man left the following note on the dining room table for his wife:

Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have
certain needs that you with your 54 year old
body can no longer supply. However, I am
very happy with you and I value you as a
good wife. Therefore, after reading this
letter, I hope that you will not wrongly
interpret the fact I will be spending the
evening with my 18-year-old secretary at the
Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don’t be
perturbed, I shall be back home before

When the man came home, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for
your honesty. I would like to take this
opportunity to remind you that you are also
54 years old. At the same time, I would like
to inform you that while you are reading
this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with
Michael, my tennis coach, who, like your
secretary, is also 18. As a successful
businessman, and with your excellent
knowledge of maths, you will understand that
we are in the same situation, although with
one small difference:

18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54
goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be back
until lunchtime tomorrow.

2/26/2010 2:38:58 AM

Things to make you smile ( i hope lol)

'Viagra' is  now available
in powder form
for your tea..
It doesn't enhance your sexual performance
but it does stop your biscuit going soft..

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