An hour of writing a day, day 2.

Alright, let's see. I think I am learning a lesson I was taught about commitments, in a somewhat annoying way, but the experience of learning is good. When I act foolishly, and open my mouth making a "will" statement, I am obligated to keep it if I am to be an honest person. I stated that I was going to write every day for one hour, so now I have to do that I suppose.

The ironic part is where I've chosen to write, but I need to know that I have a place to watch how I think. If I watch what I think by doing this, writing an hour a day, I am hopeful that I will be able to adjust any behavior, so it is a good way to remain aware.

I was told that I need to talk to people more often, and so last night at work that was on my mind a lot. I didn't shy away from conversation nearly as much, I didn't try to analyze and judge people based on their looks and even managed to make jokes with my coworker nearly all night. It was honestly very difficult at first, talking about the most random things while we went over scheduled deliveries, but it was honestly, nice to have company at work also.

The night went painfully slow as a result of forcing myself to be social. I imagine that's just from a lack of recent practice. I think not having a day off in awhile is getting to me though. I've taken on a lot of big changes recently and perhaps there is a limit to how much I can aim to accomplish in a day. Maybe if I had taken the time ages ago to make a schedule of daily activities, rather than just plot out each day in my head, I'd be able to fit more activities into a single day.

Oh yes, apparently some people believe tech support should be called when a coffee machine stops working, so we got not only three phone calls about a broken coffee maker, but also two emails from that store's manager about it. I mean no disrespect, but how is it that people can live in such a vacuum? Regardless of my likely misplaced judgement, I spent thirty minutes on the phone with their store's manager googling things for her, I was able to do it calmly too. I just kept my focus on Ashé the entire time. She was thankful, but apologized for her misuse of tech support, she'll likely still be given a citation, I don't have any control over that, because they monitor every call.

Working this job has made me feel pretty sympathetic toward people who have worked in it for a good chunk of their lives. It is incredibly draining to explain things that as computer literate people may seem simple or common knowledge to us. So I think I'm going to do some research in the near future about the subject, knowing the percentage of computer literate people, the general demographic of people who require tech support for specific problems, things of that nature could be useful or at least witty banter to talk to entertain my coworker.

Ashé helps a lot with the social anxiety. I can focus because I focus on it, and not on what I am doing. So things that I am doing happen more naturally, rather than me over analyzing things. It occupies my mind, constantly, which is honestly pretty interesting. A mantra can be a powerful thing I suppose. I wiki'ed mantras and mostly read about the Buddhist ideas behind it, regardless of any ties a mantra may have to an ancient religion, it clearly has a dramatic psychological affect, at least on me.

Something it has brought on which I have not classified as good or bad yet, it seems that I am zeroing in on flaws I see in myself. Such as realizing that while I am great at earning money, I am not amazing at managing it. Don't get me wrong. I pay my bills, I don't go hungry, I buy all the household things I need. But overall, I allow excess to pave the way for irresponsible spending.

There are ways to fix that I am sure. There may be classes or something I should take. Perhaps finance or economics, I do have elective slots coming up to fill perhaps I can fit them in.

Regardless of electives I still need to declare a minor. I'm having difficulty deciding between chemistry and biology. While environmental science paired with chemistry could lead to a lot of interesting work, that work is what I am trying to get away from. Being stuck indoors is really not my thing, that is where biology comes in, offering a different spectrum of possible work and research, though likely not as exciting to me as chemistry.

Choices like this are the boring parts of my life that I am trying to take control over. The statement is not so transparent as the idea of what it might mean in my mind, but I would rather leave that as a thought, best not to commit to something by typing without thinking.

All this new learning has been rough, but for the most part worthwhile. I have a long way to go, but I'll keep trying. That's time for today, hopefully tomorrow I can be more coherent.

A Journal Is For Writing, I write to myself, so I can have a visual representation of my thoughts at any given moment. It is an exercise in reflection, and from reflection guidance can be gained. These are my thoughts and hopefully I will see them evolve. See, I made a promise to myself to write everyday, regardless of the topic. And I have to follow through on commitments, because that is how I can be honest with myself and others.

I will say right now my thoughts are still working in jumbles. I am slowly gaining clarity, but I know that, for now at least, I am though possibly bright, chaotic overall. I look forward to the day when I stop interrupting my mantra, for now, here's a jumbled mess of thoughts, if you can decipher them that is.

So, what have I learned so far. Well, I have a lot of misconceptions, and I tend to ramble when I talk. I was given a mantra, and it is helping to keep my mind calmer, but I need to be more open to it, let it just be in there and the rest will keep falling into place. I seem to have developed a slight stuttering problem. I had never been faced with one of these before. I have had plenty of experience in speaking, I even managed to snag an A in Communications I and II a few years ago. 

The problem has become painfully clear, it's simply fear. But even less than that, it is imagined things, misconceptions and flights of fancy. This is something that needs to be let go, trust issues are probably the worst possible thing for someone looking to change their entire mental concept to have.

I HAVE to trust, because if I am chosen, my Master will need me to be refined enough for every situation, not just as a fantasy. In the end even a slave is a human, at least in a functional sense. As a result, it has to be well, as he put it, holistic if you want it to be genuine. When he said that I kept thinking about both Pavlov's dog and Bronfenbrenner's ecological theory.

So I have been given several things to do. They are tricky things which will require I trick my mind into changing the way it sees. All except one, and that one is in due process since I've been getting full-time hours at work, though juggling all these things at once. School, Work, learning and being tested at the same time.

I'll pull through to the other side though, I just have to remember Ashé, and what it means to me and I'll be okay. I have to come out of my shell though, while somehow remaining humble enough to not be prideful and arrogant. I suppose that is why I had such success when writing speeches though, arrogance, captive audiences and the like. In time I will conquer the flaws that face me, by overcoming each struggle I will come closer to what is desirable, and that alone is reward enough.