RenegadeSlave

Male Dominant, 45, Omaha, Nebraska

Male Dominant, 38, Marshalltown, Iowa

Male Submissive, 53, San Diego, California

I want to be wise. I never wanted to wind up a storm of fractured feelings. All that I've learned on my journey so far tells me that before I can change anything about myself, I must integrate all of my parts and come to an honest acceptance. I have always been terribly ashamed of being homosexual and have, for the most part, locked up my desires. The equal and opposite effect of that behavior has been the exacerbation of desire into a contained fervor to worship and obey an appropriate straight male. So, I think to myself, -I must free myself of this shame. I think, -I must find a gifted young Master who will award me his dominant companionship in response to my noble intentions. What does a strangled nature become, but a wretched corruption of what it might have been? And what of my other attributes? They wither or retard under the oppression of shame.? My efforts are not fully charged. I gave up my music career. I recoil from social events. In the environment of this site, i imagine most of you as uninhibited falcons, feverish with ecstatic desire for the opposite sex,? flying with the velocity of blind magnetism to scoop each other. I maneuver and pray tell a word or two of my search as you soar by. Ironically, while the experience I seek could be characterized as a captive state of quiet obedience, the pursuit itself requires me to self promote. Months of emails with people become more and more fertile with trust and ambition, then promises, cancellations, self righteousness, indignation and dis-integration -The exact opposite, although not internally, of my primary goal of INTEGRATION. It's not really your problem anyway, dear reader. I wish you love and health and a better approach to self acceptance than i have so far been able to construct.

i've written new music. It's nice to correspond with some of the Masters on this site. Thank you Sirs!

l'm fairly certain that i hate myself. The uncertainty is very mercurial though, and disqualifies a firm acknowledgement of pure self hatred. I hate you the people; not in some evil or childish way, but because I recognize false bravura, insolence, and thoughtlessness as the more common civil characteristics. I scare myself with the possibilities of you and me. And I search inside to sweep up that evasive little self that spits droplets of hope on my glowing coals of bitterness. I search to protect and love him. I search to terrify him so he will abandon this belief that I can find a Master whose true tone will pull my harmonics together in an orchestration of his lone voice. And yet.

i hosted a guest Master for a weekend. It was very enjoyable. He is exceptionally intelligent. i was happy to introduce him to my best friend. Since they are both heterosexual and attending school for the same discipline, they were very comfortable with eachother. Their compatibility gave me the time to cook and plan activities. We were all over the city of Pittsburgh. It was a wonderful weekend.

I try to model my submissive behavior to a dominant male after the skillful design of orchestration in music. A Master's temperament or interests are like a melody. The melody might be in the winds one moment, the brass, strings, or percussion the next. My goal is to orchestrate his theme and dynamics.; to enhance his vision and expression, and to quiet myself during those times when he is not sure of his voice or when his introspection is pure.

My psyche became complicated at a young age because my burgeoning sexuality mixed with the fear of, and desire for, the bullies in my life at the time. It is very likely that now i am trying to build a belief in the positive elements of dominance and submission in order to counteract the fear and shame generated by those early years of being bullied. The passage of time provides me with a unique perspective. As a mature man, coiled around what i consider to be a good spirit, i am able to interact with? dominant males and exercise bravery rather than cowardice and fear. i am also able to exercise my teacher instincts to encourage them out of a dark realm, or fortify their leadership skills.

I'm beginning to recognize the futility of my efforts here. Perhaps my profile is too bold. How odd it is to be a slave promoter and the slave at the same time. I want to present my attributes so that a Master might find value in me. But, I don't get across that I am quiet, attentive and alert. I feel pretty empty right now. I'm open to advice.

When I visit our site here, I enjoy reading profiles and journals. I spend time at someone's journal entry when I see words like, "vast, wonder, illusion, jewel, world, love, forever, muse, gift". These are words that are all too often chased out of our hearts at a young age by fear and danger. They are words of passion. It is unfortunate that for many of us, idealism is sandblasted away by life's tribulations. Many submissives are desperate to satisfy their own desires and will fracture the idealism of a young Master by trying to make him satisfy her/his desires. Some submissives have a spirit of patience and integrity that will allow a young Master to discover his natural leadership and power at his own rate. If a slave is graceful and patient, her reward will be in discovering her stability and honor under his unprovoked rule. i am a musician. In the physics of sound, there is a primary tone -called a tonic. Then there is a series of harmonics that resonate off of that tonic. The first in the series of harmonics is a perfect fifth from the tonic. It is referred to as the "dominant". While others might look at a Master with lust and desire for immediate carnal pleasure, i look at you as a beautiful dominant. i would kneel at your feet and protect, honor and obey you Sir. ~joe

Dear Reader, it is important for a person's self confidence to come to terms with his or her nature. I have to admit that knowing my nature as a slave is not enough. i am frustrated and nearly ready to sacrifice my beliefs that i can become a valued slave to another male. I made a donation this week to one of those "cash-masters". I thought to myself that this may be my only way to serve a Master. But, it was not satisfying.

Life is the antagonist that continually sand blasts the mortal residue from my soul.

So many psuedo-dominant males simply want to be tended to sexually by their slaves. As a male slave, i continually have to wade through that pool of fat, drunk males wanting a blow job just because they?re desperate. There is such great potential for loyalty, obedience, trust and mutual protection in a MASTER/slave relationship. I can speak directly to the "MALE to male" dynamic. This slave's experience exclusively with dominant straight males, has been exceptionally charged with masculine energy, like a warrior and his servant or loyal, strong male dog. It is the romance of integrity and honor. Since a straight Master is not going to find any sexual thrill in owning a male slave -besides the innate satisfaction of supremecy, a male slave must offer real attributes -values, if you will. The slave should be alert, strong, healthy and chore worthy. (he) should bring intelligent counsel to his Master when asked. The slave should be quiet, stealthful and out of the way -especially when the Master has his female companionship. This slave believes that a Master?s buttons should not be pushed just to manipulate the attention of the Master. My experience with straight Masters is not totally unphysical. There may be those times when the Master wants the warm chest of his male slave for his feet in the cold months and it should go without saying, that the male slave?s throat is the property of the Master for his oral relief. This uncollared male slave offers (his) thoughts here because those of us in this lifestyle who consider Master/slave standards can enhance each other?s concepts. ~slave joe

I don't believe people choose their sexual nature. I do think our perceptions and early social and familial circumstances affect our sexual behavior. i have never been physically stirred by a female, although i have great respect for the magnificence of feminine energy. As a young boy; 8 or so, i remember seeing some gladiator movie where the conquerer held the conquered fighter in place on the ground by stepping on his chest. I remember my ears got very red and warm and my eyes stayed fixed on the image. When the kids in the neighborhood wanted to play house, i always chose to be the dog; controlled and most often down on my knees. I preferred role-playing games over strategic board games. I chose to be the prisoner, bad guy or whichever antagonist -that might be conquered...etcetera.

i was glad to find this site. People here talk about more than just the sex. My experience has mostly been in the service of straight males. i don't mean to be conclusive about that though. i guess i'm like that loyal dog who doesn't get along with other dogs. I've had 5 straight Masters. Several of them were completely non-sexual, which is understandable. i find dominance and submission exceptionally well suited for the masculine condition. We see it in wrestling especially. ~slave joe

A Master's dominant energy quakes the elements of my spirit like a mountainside of aspen leaves quivering in the wind, and my power excels to submission.

somewhere in my youth, watching wrestling, seeing gladiator movies and so on, i realized how thrilling it was to see someone be conquered, under another man's foot or boot. i tried to believe that i only got turned on by seeing domination; the way millions of people get turned on by watching WWF Wrestling. i've had good long term relationships that were based in equality but just couldn't find the kind my personal truth in them. i discovered that i was not alone with my desire to explore Master/slave dynamics. i have a well balanced,if somewhat troubled self awareness and recognize that rather than be ashamed of my nature, i must embrace it and find a way to stop hiding it. i've found some experiences and i have a few friends in the scene now. There are people out there; even tempered, smart, good people who have come to the same conclusion as me -that their truth is undeniable. They ARE a Master or they ARE a slave. We can find eachother.

somewhere in my youth, watching wrestling, seeing gladiator movies and so on, i realized how thrilling it was to see someone be conquered, under another man's foot or boot. i tried to believe that i only got turned on by seeing domination; the way millions of people get turned on by watching WWF Wrestling. i've had good long term relationships that were based in equality but just couldn't find the kind my personal truth in them. i discovered that i was not alone with my desire to explore Master/slave dynamics. i have a well balanced,if somewhat troubled self awareness and recognize that rather than be ashamed of my nature, i must embrace it and find a way to stop hiding it. i've found some experiences and i have a few friends in the scene now. There are people out there; even tempered, smart, good people who have come to the same conclusion as me -that their truth is undeniable. They ARE a Master or they ARE a slave. We can find eachother.

i found a nice group of "submissives" in the pittsburgh area to hang out with. The get-togethers are just part of a more comprehensive groupd of doms and subs. Nice people. Not sure where i fit in. To anyone reading this, I'm so glad that i'm not the only one who recognizes is drawn to the energy of dominance and submission. I'm glad you're all here!

I'm trying to learn more about Master/slave relationships. I've accepted that I don't have to keep trying to force myself into relationship models that don't suit me. I wish everyone could be that honest. I think we'd have less troubled children. i think a Master/slave relationship easily has the capacity for ethics such as honor, loyalty, trust, and care. I've had some nice email exchanges so far with people here. I enjoy discussion and exchange of beliefs regarding dominant/sub and sado-masochistic relations.

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