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Male Switch, 51, Dublin
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Male Dominant, 57, Dorset
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Female Switch, 32, melbourne
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About reluctantsubbie
I now serve only OnlineSir4U. I will not respond to other Doms without his permission.
I'll probably be asked why I chose the name "reluctantsubbie." Obviously it means I'm reluctuant, but why be here then? I can't seem to stay away. I'm a strong woman who knows what she wants. I'm warm and kind, but usually in charge in my day to day life. But there's this part of me that's always been there that craves commands. It's nice to have a place to come where people understand what I am - probably better than I do.
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I thought I should make in clear for anyone who reads my journal that the last 2 entries weren't about my Master. I miss him and he hasn't done anything to make me say he's not trusthworthy and I believe he never would. |
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OK. So maybe I was speaking out of anger in my last journal entry. But that's what journals are for, right? I feel much better. I forgave the men who hurt me and found a way to understand them.
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Men are entirely untrust worthy. I guess I'm going to learn how to be alone. So disappointing. |
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A very heartful thank you to everyone who has sent me messages in response to my journal. It's wonderful to know that I'm not crazy or alone in this near obsession.
On another note, I am in such need of an orgasm! Master brought me close and kept me teasing for so long. Not much longer than usual, but it's left me in such agony. How long will he leave me like this? |
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I SERIOUSLY need some self control. :( |
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I feel like such a fool. I just learned that to kiss or flirt or touch a man means you have to sleep with him or you're a tease. I always thought a tease was someone who purposely made a guy think he was going to get some and then left him hanging just for kicks. So now what do I do? I just embraced even more of my sexuality. So I'm supposed to hide it?
I hate men. And I don't want to hate them. I don't want to. I want so badly to have one show me differently. |
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I just had someone outright ask me if I was interested in casual sex with him. I actually appreciated his honesty! People should always be so honest. |
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Does a woman lose her identity in the focus to please? I feel power in my sexuality, my confidence, my wit, my independence and my values and self respect. Can I hold onto those aspects of myself when I submit? The submission I've been embracing makes me feel increasingly vulnerable. On the one hand, I feel like I'm losing the safety net of my personal power. On the other hand, my instinct tells me that I won't be able to express myself fully until I feel completely encased by the safety of my Dom.
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I must be addicted. There's not other explanation. All I can think about lately is submitting. I need it. I need it. |
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I know I'm making a lot of entries this morning, but it helps to express. I am so desperate for an orgasm. If I behave today I might get one. That means doing corner time right now and the idea of it is horrible. I'll be standing there with throbbing between my legs for 15 minutes.
Here I go... |
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I'm getting much better at whipping myself with the belt. I'm not sure that's a good thing. |
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I'm obeying more and more now. There is a fight in me still, but it's getting worn down. I don't like it, but I want it for him. |
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I displeased Him today. It was worse than I imagined it could be. I think I've made it up to him by taking my punishments, but I can't wait to do more.
The teasing has stopped for now, but I think not being allowed to even touch myself might be worse. Every sexual thought I have (and I have them often) is a small shock of need that i can't respond to in any way. |
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Letting go was amazing. Mind blowing. I thought my body would blow wide open.
Now it's been since the 22nd. Today we began the teasing again and my tolerance is worse than it was before. I've never been so on the edge. |
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Orgasm Denial Day 7
Tomorrow night is the night this exercise ends. I'm actually a little nervous to let go now. |
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Orgasm Denial Day 6
I've gone 6 days with hours of stimulation, teasing, taking me right to the edge and still no orgasm. It's easier now. I've come to the other side of wanting to do this for me. To prove something or create my own arousing situation. Now I want to do it for Him. I want my orgasms when He wants them, how He wants them, as many as He wants. Maybe it's the denial that makes me so mad with ecstasy. Every little submission feels like a throb inside me now. |
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Orgasm Denial, Take 3
Or is it 4? I had made it 6 days and then it happened. I touched a second too long and there was nothing I could do. 2 days later it happened again. Honestly, I can't remember if it was 2 or 3 times that I messed up. As of this morning I am starting on Day 1 again. Tonight I was so aroused by my guy that I thought I might let loose any second without any stimulation! |
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Orgasm Denial, Day 6
Average amount of minutes spent arousing myself everyday- 70 minutes. Sometimes up to 2 hours.
This experience seems to be changing my mentality. Playing with myself used to be just another source of instant gratification and stress release. Like a bubble bath or a piece of chocolate. I did it when I wanted to because I wanted to. Now when it's time for my regular teasing session it feels like it has nothing to do with me. It's no longer about my own pleasure or release. Now it's just a method to keep me constantly aroused and agitated. Something I'm not allowed not to do. |
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I'm going wild with this. I need rules. I need the boundaries. |
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I almost made it to bed. I may gag myself for a while. I need to go to bed. I don't think I even ate dinner. I didn't get my work out done tonight. I need discipline. I need something. |
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So tired but feel like I can't go to bed. How can I go to bed feeling so unsatisfied? I'll be up all night. |
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I woke up and wanted to come here. I went to work and wanted to come here. Every 15 minutes I wished I was here. Here I'm equally anonymous and true to myself. Maybe it's the anonymity that comforts me. |
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I love this cold weather. A perfect excuse to cuddle up in cozy clothes! |
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How do I find satisfaction??? |
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I think I'll gag myself and tie myself up. It feels like the thing to do right now. |
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I love English accents. Love them. |
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I closed my account and maybe a week later I've reopened it. I'm reading The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty.
"You're mine. And you won't find me such a hard master. Only a very thorough master. When you think night and day and every moment only of pleasing me, things will be very easy for you." |
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