i'm in a much better mood!  But since i blew off all the stuf i had to do yesterday and the day before, i'm going to be busy as hell today.  And the thing i dreaded turned out not to go as badly as it could have.  So, i can't complain.  Finally that part of my life is done with once and for all, and i feel great.  i was thinking maybe i shouldn't be looking to play already because i wasn't yet over my ex.  Now i realize i was over him long before i left him.

i'm just hopelessly addicted to pain, and i got good pain and bad pain confused or something.  My need to be a submissive, however rebellious, my need to please, to somewhat obey, to serve is a part of me created at least somewhat in part by an abusive past.  i occasionally fall into it again, but i dig my way out.  The biggest irony is for most of my time in the scene i NEVER allowed anyone to call me submissive.  i took offense to it.  Too many doms abused the privilege of my being submissive to them, and after that, i topped from the bottom, i ran the show, and if they didn't like it? Well, don't let the plug get you in the ass on the way out.  i have become more honest in my play with my wants and needs.  i've begun to let go and let dom.  It's exciting and terrifying.  i used to laugh at the idea of a brat like me who'd NEVER be owned posting at a site called 'Collar Me'.  i guess i've grown up enough to start exploring what i used to shun.  My limits are changing, another thing i didn't expect.  People have told me it happens, but i thought what was wrong in my head would stay wrong.  i guess just a few days back in the lifestyle has empowered me.  Makes me feel like i used to.  i'm even going to go back to work on my site and making toys and furniture.  Movies too.  i hope.  That's the key.  i feel hopeful again.

Now i just hope i can get to some of this email this weekend.

i woke up in a foul mood this morning.  i had no idea why.  i had an AWESOME evening (check out my new pic, it's like the 4th one i think).

 But this morning i yelled at my dog and lost my temper with a close friend.  i have this strange unsettled feeling.  Maybe it's a spanking hangover.  A 'spankgover' even!  Jeez, i must be a lunatic.

 Anyway, life's taking a toll today.  i have something to do that i am absolutely dreading.  But then i have a really fun weekend plus Monday coming up.  So why can't i STFU and chill?  My 'dad' (who finally joined CM) says it is because i know i may run into a conflict today and i don't 'do' conflict. LOL Who the hell does?

 i have laundry and dishes and cleaning and things to do before 4 pm.  i don't feel like doing any of them.  i have email and chat windows out the yin-yang and i can't focus enough to converse in any fashion, let alone in an open and friendly manner. 

 i think of last nite and get a HUGE shit eating grin on my face, then i contemplate my day and i feel like screaming.

 Maybe i just need to go double click my mouse...

Well, my first journal entry.  This better be good.  A bit more about my current status in life and the lifestyle would be a good place to start.

i live with a man and woman i have known for about 10 years.  They are both dominant (at least to me) and are in mainly a 'parental' role in my life.  i love them dearly, and i know they feel the same about me.  They give advice, discipline, emotional and physical security, and they protect me from myself and anyone else.  They are not over protective, i make my own decisions.  They do have a hard time bringing themselves to really discipline me for anything. i imagine because i have had a really hard life. *sob*  Where's the violin?  

They both have or have had other submissives, i have been with many, many dominants long and short term, and we live in a fairly free-spirited and harmonious fashion.  That cute friend of mine up top in the striped shirt is my 'mom'.  Her name is Miss Retta and she's an awesome person to get to know.

We all contribute in some fashion to the care and upkeep of the home.  My primary function is the housekeeping and yard work (i'm the only one young and spry enough to do it !  to Mama) and the cooking.  i also keep track of shopping needs and care for the animals. We have 3 cats and my lil dog Charlie.  Miss Retta works full time and still runs the home.  My 'dad' is not on this site nor does he visit it so i'll not say more about him until i have his permission.

That's enough for now, i think.