What is important for you to know is; if I didn't care about Lori and
her needs, I wouldn't have written you at all. My intentions here are
to reassure Lori, that I do care about her.
What I do know, is Lori cares about me very much. What two people would put themselves thru such
dramatic and painful events, as we did, and yet still want to make an attempt with one another.
Caring means, she loves me. While being excited
about someone, you get that feeling of being in love. But that is
the part where Lori and I failed, because the hardest part of any
marriage, is keeping the excitement going (the, in love part) . Lori
and I failed at that for various reasons, that we have both
acknowledge to one another.
Lori will look into my eyes without pain someday
and tell me how much she is in love with me...And I will do the same with her.
What I have learned over the past few months, with lots of help and a
good knowledgebase, was: anger is an emotion that affects the nervous
system and the physical body. It is triggered by external events .
Such as rejection (he/she could not love me) Unloved or Uncared for.
Fear (not being able to cope) Loss (death, separation/divorces).
These are all the underlying emotions, that I have experienced. .
I realized this morning, that not only have I changed in Lori's eyes,
but I have changed in my eyes, my sole, my mind. The changing part
for me, was simply seeing myself/my actions in real time events.
Being able to see that part of me, was enough to realize, that I had
no control over myself , which lead to Lori's & my dance. So at 50
plus, I decided it was time to take control of myself and my actions.
And as a result, I feel at peace with myself, I feel in control and I
feel patience. This was not, an easy task for me, but most good
things in life are not. I have always been driven by my goals in the
external part of my world, what I realized, was I needed to bring that
part of me into my internal world. By doing this, I was able to reach
my goals thru my actions.., It will become a process that is
cultivated and will be permentantly a part of who I am. This is not
to say, there will be times in my life that something or somebody will
test this process. But what I have also learned, is that I have a
choice to participate, or walk away. I will choose to walk away, if
feeling angry and participate if I am not .
A quote from Aristotle
Anyone can become angry - that is so easy. But to become angry with
the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the
right purpose, and in the right way - that is not so easy. Aristotle
Through Patience, (which is the mind accepting fully and happily, no
matter what the outcome) Better Communication, so that I do not jump
to conclusions and act upon them and MY Sense of Humor, to help defuse
the anger for a more balanced perspective. I will accomplish my
goals.
I would ask ,as a favor to both Lori and I , that you not refer to our children
as if you know who they are and what they are like. Be rest assured our children are well
cared for and loved very much.
Again, I am sorry if you felt, my intentions were different than what I
actually felt.
