I'm spreading my wings and my fledgling surety of my worth with other submissives... I hunger to see them empowered and loving themselves enough to have, and be the best ...
i have two budgies and 2 cockatiels, these are my "kids".
um...I'm pretty much "dick pic'd" out... so no...i don't care to see your "package" especially before I even know you... it only makes me wonder if that is all you see yourself as...
if i'm not good enough for you now... you aren't good enough for me as i get healthier... jus' sayin'.
Induction of Atkin's begins on the 16th of Jan. yay! go me!
so... i'm wondering if "good girls finish last" like "good guys"... just something that's been poking about my brain lately...
Either way... "always be true to yourself" remains the constant within.
i am no longer willing to relocate, at this time. At this point in my life, it is simply easier to say this than it is to explain to people that i am not going to up and move within a few months of meeting Someone. my family, friends, and life are here in IL.
i'm noticing that it's nigh impossible to find Someone with Their head and heart based in reality... must be harder for some than others... ?
so, i wrote this because a friend asked me to help her express her heart and heartache, at being lied to and sent away on false pretenses...and in doing so, i've been able to see my own growth, i've been able to feel righteous anger. It was liberating and eye-opening. *smiles* and here i am, just a day or 2 from the "other side" . The only "step" left is the physical one, which will be the easiest, as my heart is now free again. *smiles*
You Were
You were
my love
my world
my air
I surrendered
my body
my heart
my mind
blindly
i trusted
i loved
i gave
wholeheartedly.
You said
I love you
I won't leave you
I want you
for my Own
my heart broke
You never told me
i am disposable.
i am replaceable.
i am recyclable.
Therefore,
when You
pushed me away
sent me away
tossed me away
in so doing
You lost the
unconditional
trust
love
adoration
of a lil girl
who thought
that You were the
sun
moon
and
stars
...
..
.
In quiet nights
do You listen
to the remnants of
Your heart?
Hearing;
not just
listening
it's message
admonishing
berating
chastising
like a Preacher
trying to
save You
?
..
.
from
You.
mB 2009
and the greatest of these?
it means
i have the freedom
to be absolutely me
to give
and know my gift
will not be made light of
that what i bring
will be cherished
that my words
will be heard
that i will be
wanted
no matter the moment
not disposable
not replaceable
not "for now"
it means
i do not hold a
"temp position"
in your heart
that i am on your mind
that your hurt is my hurt
and mine is yours
that we will grow
together
not
apart.
that You are safe within me
and i within You.
02-11-09
Dichotomy
i hear
"Rely on?
?Trust Me"
i struggle
to trust
to rely
to give over
yet i crave
need
want
with all of me
don?t You get it?
it's what i am
how can i be strong
when i am still fragile
You not realize
that it takes
so very little
to cripple
to decimate
my new-found growth
beneath Your heel
the seedlings
still buffeted
by life's breezes
i should not
have to tell You
that i have given You
my trust
my heart
i need You
because
i let You
create
that need
in me.
So. This is me.
so this is me
unwilling to give an inch
unwilling to give a thing
stepping back
letting go
moving on
needing You not
not needing any
Man
want... yes.
need... no.
hell no.
friends
family
oft that line blurs
but a Man in
my life
my bed
my heart
my head
my soul
is only a desire.
a hunger
a powerful want.
i do not ~need~ You.
i am not even sure
that i even want You
anymore.
why would i
should i
how could i
bend any further backwards
for You...
pfft
i see no earthly
unearthly
reason to humble myself
to prostrate myself
to lower myself
in Your presence
i am more than You
in ways You simply cannot fathom
Your mind is stuck in "conquer and fuck" mode.
Your heart is lost
and hasn't an idea
of what love truly is...
let alone how love acts...
how love treats
the one it cares for
cares about
never wants to live without.
might i suggest
you think
before you toss about
"love"
like a time bomb,
on the next girl.
Make a Choice
i am not
your
alpha girl
second girl
or your
omega girl
i am not
your
other woman
dirty little secret
or
kept mistress
i am not
your
courtesan
concubine
or
girl on the side
you want open options
have them
but
you will
NOT
have me
and i will
NOT
be here
for You to
"choose"
when You tire
of all the
pretty
shiny
things
The lil girl
dark curls
in pig tails
green eyes
framed by dark lashes
her lips
done in a
soft pink
nibbles her lip
waits for Him
tugs on her skirt
fusses with her ribbons
her heart races
her hands over her tummy
as it clenches
tumbling over itself
wanting to impress
even as she knows
this is very likely
the last time
she will see Him
the last time
she will feel
His touch
hear His words
and place any
future hopes
within Him
she sighs
steps forward
and smiles brightly
up at Him
and even as He gazes
with affection
down at her
it is His actions
that have brought her
to this
so that
she is already gone
from Him inside
02-05-09
? mjb
Trust
open communication
vis a vis
voice to voice
heart to heart
no go-betweens
no mediator
no fear of recrimination
of non-acceptance
able and willing
to give in kind
to listen
knowing in full
that there will be
nothing done
with harmful intent
that the giving fully of oneself
will be accepted
with open arms
mind
heart
and ears to hear
a two-way street
that does no good
if only one
is doing all the traveling
meet me halfway
or
at the very least
let us take turns
as we can
02-11-09
The Trust Prequel...
trust
vulnerability
knowing
i am loved
and safe
my heart opens
aches
it hurts
to trust
i need this
so much
i fear it
immeasurably
i am consumed
with my need
to be vulnerable
to trust
so completely
that i can give
so completely
all of me.
i fear
i will never
find my ability
and safe place
to do so
in the context i seek.
how can i "carpe" anything
in this state of mind...?
02-04-09
What's she Worth to You?
what's she worth?
what have you got?
a camera...
cheapened
a bit of faux love?
mayhap a bill paid?
is she worth time?
Your time?
Your love?
or only when it suits?
are You only here
for the show?
to see what she
will do for You?
to see how far
You can strip her
her humanity
from her
to belittle...
to make light of...
to take any confidence
to rip away anything
she might have once loved
of herself...
to leave her with
loathing
hate
feeling herself vile
worthless
too much effort...
was that Your goal?
or are You truly...
honestly...
completely...
that
clueless in Your thinking.
Is that that is what love
is all about
for You?
you know... i will never "get it"...this childish, 5 year old behaviour of "Doms" that don't get Their way. i mean, if i have a different view than You, why even approach me. i'm not looking to be "converted". i'm no newbie that is easily scared and in awe just because You have a "Dom" or "Sir" or "Master" in front of Your name. ? Then there is the ever popular name calling and then blocking... *lauuuuugghhss* speaking of kindergarten behaviour. whew. i needed a good laugh. thank You to the One that thinks He's the cat's meow, and just tried to play that game with me. ?;) ?*giggles*
my profile, just read it. if there are "too many words" i'm not for You.?
so, i have to vent.. it's driving me batty... *laughs* that People call themselves Dominates... um... that's a verb.. not a noun... gahhh... please... stop it. yes, i'm a snob about some things... and yes, i take horrible advantage of the English language. Thing is, i know i do. i really do not believe that these Others that call themselves a "Dominate" have a clue that They cannot possibly be a verb. ?>:P oy vey! whew. ok... tis enough rantin' ;)
Looking over the Edge...
if i leave
and i fall
will i be able
to find all the
smithereens
all the shards
and tiny
powdered bits
that are strewn about
that used to be
my heart
i no longer know
how to protect it
i've trusted it
with too many
that didn't even
like themselves enough
to care for their own
what was i thinking?
if i walk away now
where will i walk to?
i only see edges
that lead to deep caverns
darker places than i'm in
even now
i can tell you true
if it gets much darker
much deeper
i don't care to even try
to find a foothold
to struggle that hard
to do it all over again
i'd rather just
stay right here,
'til it's all over.
cuz i don't think
i can do it again
give myself again
so very completely.
i've started a new Martial Art class, Wing Chun. *smiles* it's 6 days a week, and seems to be easier on my knees *laughs* mostly. i'm hoping to learn this, and as i learn, i can go back to my Tae Kwon Do... mayhap do both. i'm hopeful. my Sifu is a wonderful person and dedicated to his family. a very positive place and situation for me. ? oh yes! :) and it's just down the block from me, so i don't have to worry about not having a car...
i find it ... interesting... that a "slave" (that repeatedly verbally and physically abuses a Master and tells Him in unkind terms to "leave" her and her kids... keeps harassing me for remaining on terms of friends with bene's til i'm collared... that she has the *shrugs* "need" to vent and slander, then to write to me about it. Is she ~that~ obsessed with me? the one that said she wanted a poly relationship, that has never been able to tolerate anything but things her own way... aka punching walls, and yelling at her children, yet she complains that because i allowed her in my home because of our mutual friend... that my home is a wreck... yet another had to help her clean hers when dcfs was going to show up. interesting indeed. why is there need for this childish behaviour? since she keeps saying to me "take Him, He's yours" and "you two deserve each Oother" then... why keep harassing me? i spose i could just file the charges legally and be done with it... suggestions? ? :) ~ raven
so... my first Tae Kwon Do class was last night mmm im sore n happy, it is good to be back in a class again, and i've wanted to learn some of the martial arts for many years. It's just down the block from my apt, so its perfect. So, starting with 3 days a week, and will pick up from there. whew.. :) ?yay me! ?
"At the cusp"
its been building escalating striving driven forward? and upward i'm so close to the summit and yet i cannot tell if it's a plateau a short rest, mayhap an idyll for a bit to recoup and regroup either way it is time my time.? my life. my submission. my choice.? my gift. i will not? be misused ignored abused forgotten set aside 2nd best 2nd choice runner up this change? is about me. yes. just me. because? it is time. for me. to value me. then. i can accept? that you do, too.
"Safety"? a sword with 2 edges one clean and mortally sharp the other ragged dangerous a slow death sanguinary horrific so i stay put wait "it" out be "safe" in a place is safety? right? better the evil? we know?...? right...? or is it "safer"? to step out leave the "known evil" and try? the new? so...? is either truly? "Safe"? ? ?
*wonders if she should put any of her "poetry" up in here... *
*chuckles* oh yeah... Republicans and bigots need not apply ;)
woohoo... 6 weeks without smokes! *grins*
why is it so hard to be allowed to love and be loved... by One. to know that her heart, mind, body, and soul are safe with One. To be safe and secure inside and out, knowing that there is not a constant search for a "better" replacement... to know that she is loved when she is sick, or scared, or having a bad day, just as much as when she gives without being told, or asked, to do so... to know that she is safe and able to open up and be herself, to give simply because she knows it will bring Him pleasure, and not fear that she is not enough for Him?
