quietcuriosity

Moving forward, always eyes ahead, seeing where I'm going. Facing some medical testing, hoping for positive results. It's time I got my life back. Tired of existing versus living.   Testing starts tomorrow. 9/16 Hope it shows some results we can work with! Time to get these seizures under control regardless of the cause!

Some of you will know I've been awol for a bit. I've had some health and personal things needing my attention. Still working on them but I'm in a better frame of mind of late. Hopefully I can still pop in from time to time. I've talked to a lot of terrific people here about all kinds of things and I've missed that in my life. I am still who I am. Not going to change, maybe grow, but still remaining true to me. 

After a lot of thought, I think I'm going to get my next tattoo. It will be a symbol for defiance, or defiant. But not in the way maybe most people think of the word. I have been defiant to a certain extent since my conception. I should not technically exist. So I defied death. Many times I've defied death in my life. I've defied the medical community both in good and bad ways. And survived them all. I defy convention at every turn. I am not defiant to incite anger in others. I am not defiant as a whim. I am defiant to be true to myself and to continue to live my life the best I can. I have a few very personal reasons too which I won't voice, they are personal. Yes, I think it will be defiance.

I am in a mood of wondering about my place. I've spent too much time inside my own head, too many nights with little sleep, and too much time with the radio on, playing any sort of music, any mood. Why am I where I am? What if anything do I wish I could change? What things are solid and unmovable in my life, unaffected by anything I might do. I am strong, strong willed if not physically strong. Strong hearted, if weak to those in need. I am in control, of many aspects of my life, yet in fear of some of the things I have no control over. Some things I may never be in control of. Some things I am afraid to lose control of. Some things I don't want to control. I feel a large contradiction at times. Maybe it's just the shift of season, of time, of daylight, of temperature, of alignment in the universe. I don't begin to know. 

It's a Saturday night. I'm restless. Life has been out of control but not in such a good way. I'm tired but I cannot sleep. I lie here awake. The tv holds no interest for me. I stare at the ceiling and picture the stars overhead. I close my eyes and am in a field in mid summer. It is warm and the crickets chirp. In the distance a bird makes noise. The half moon shines, not to be outdone by the stars. I spread my arms and tilt my head to the heavens, soaking it all in. I close my eyes. I sense something, a light, a movement, I am not sure. Slowly I open my eyes and see the aurora borealis, wave after wave crossing the skies above. Red waves like fire in the sky, crossing above me. I am entranced, enthralled. 

Hmm now what, where shall my mind take me?

I am not one to get hit by life and stay down. So, I stand back up once again. There are smears of dirt upon my face, and the tracks of tears shed through the grime. But I stand with a fire in both my eyes, heart and spirit that show I will not be held down, nor will I be  dismissed or denied. I am a force, sometimes a quiet wind, sometimes a full blown gale. I cannot be held if I choose not to be. I can be elusive. Am I worth the challenge to hold? Perhaps....

Ever have that feeling that life just keeps throwing rotten tomatoes at you? Well that's how it's been for me lately. I came down with shingles nearly two months ago. I ended up in the hospital not once but 3 times. Longest stint for 2 weeks. I'm dealing with a lot of aftermath from it. I'm seeing more specialists than I thought existed. It's caused seizures, and trouble eating and intestinal paralasys. And that doesn't mention the excruciating nerve pain that meds barely address. Life is hell right now. but hopefully I will get better. 

Where is everyone? Been awful quiet around here lately.

Melancholy... word of the day.

Back in my Nickelback  frame of mind. 

This too shall pass I know.

I've been away a very long time. Both due to personal and family reasons. I've found someone on here that I've spent a great deal of time communicating with. So, that said, I hope everyone will understand when I say I'm not looking for a relationship here. I never was in reality. Sometimes you can't help what happens and just have to accept the glorious gifts that fall into your lap when you least expect them. I'm still open to talking with people.

Life has turned on its head. Weather and health over the last few months have taken their toll. A hurried, very extended trip out of state on an emergency ended with a new grandson. And a renewed vow never NEVER to fly again.

To all seeking their other half out there, be patient, persistent and ever hopeful. Do not give up when disappointment and disillusionment settle in. Keep going!

To my friends who might still peek in, drop me a note, I'll look forward to hearing from you.

c

I am the gentle ocean, waves calmly lapping at the shore. Soothing, calming, peace of mind.

I am the soft slow snowfall, calling to all things. Time to settle, time to sleep.

I am the drop of rain leading to the downpour. Refreshing, cleansing, renewing.

I am the encroaching thunderstorm, slowly approaching, Cautionsly testing, pressing out my tendrils of electricity, seeking the leader coming back to ignite me.

I am the pounding hurricane, gale force and driving. Leaving nothing held in reserve, moving forward with all that I have and all that I am, crashing and destroying, only to lead to rebirth.

CM is not just a dating site. Yes people do make connections. But some out there should realize that not everyone is looking for the same thing. This is more than obvious when you actually read a persons profile. Mine does indeed say making friends, not come screw me, oh yea, Sir!

Age is not a sign of maturity, that is for sure. Intelligent conversation, actually listening to what someone says. Giving feedback to what was said. Understanding that not everyone has the same skill sets as you may have. Believing in what people have to say, and giving feedback on misunderstandings instead of being instantly angry. These things all show maturity and even the young'uns will exhibit these qualities if they are emotionally and socially mature.

If you do not know me, you have no right to judge, based on a short conversation who I am, where I come from, where I'm looking to go in life, or if we can be friends. I don't put it all out there. Not all of it. And most will never see the real me as she's hidden, saved for those who I feel safe with. Those I know won't hurt and degrade me. Those who know I am an actual lady, with feelings, thoughts, and dreams. I am slow to open, but when I do, it is to those who are real friends. Those I trust!

Ok rant done.

So where is everyone? My life has settled down a bit for the moment and friends have disappeared. Missing chatting with you!

This is just me rambling. Feel free to ignore it but I have a need to work some stuff out. You've been warned. Some people in your life you value for no other reason than they make you laugh. Some you value for their honesty. Others you may have a common interest with and you learn from each other. Some are good for you. Some are not. Some you miss when you don't hear from them frequently. Some it's like no time has passed when you speak again. Some test you, when you least feel like being tested, but when you need it the most. Some confuse you. Some cause you to be confused about yourself.

So thanks to those of you who make me laugh, keep me grounded, keep me learning, keep me thinking, and keep me growing.

Sitting here waiting on my New Years date. Bored outa my mind! Oh so not a good thing! Going to the movies and out for dinner. It will be nice to get out for a bit after the stresses of the holidays. But for now.. boredom!

My life is like a visit to the ocean. Waves come and go calmly, then there is that rogue wave that comes and smashes hard. Sometimes it destroys your castle and leaves you sitting in the wet sand wondering if it's worth it to rebuild. Sometimes it leaves a treasured beautiful shell behind and a happy memory. Sometimes it erases all the mistakes and worries you've written on the beach. Sometimes it taints a pretty thought with stinky seaweed. The only things that are certain is that life will continue and the wave will come again. The variable is what will you do with what it leaves behind?

To my friends,

I'm sorry I have been away and not answered mail. This may continue for a bit longer as I deal with some issues within the home. But be sure I will be back to chat more when I can put my mind in a place to respond reasonably.

Missing some of you, and I hope you know who you are!

Ohh this could be bad! I'm bored. And the weekend is still young! I'm a little tired, but that only makes the boredom worse. I'd love to go shopping, just because I'm starting to get Christmas fever, but money's tight. Maybe I'll just surf over to Victoria's Secret and look at all the pretties. No, not the girls, not into girls, but the rest of the stuffs on em! Oh what to do?

So life settles back down to a gentle wave. Up one moment, down the next. Life moves forward. Am I being swept along with no course? Have I any control over the direction? I would like to think so. Sometimes it's best to go with the current and wait out your moment. Sometimes sticking in the paddle and moving towards one shore or the other, speeding up or slowing down need be done as well. Finding the balance is difficult. But it is how the current goes. To struggle against the things one cannot change, things one has no control over is wasted energy. To not paddle when necessary though is to miss opportunity. Courage and wisdom to find which is the right reaction is what is needed. And when one fails, as will happen, repeatedly in life, learning the error and waiting for the next opportunity is key.

Listening to The Fray: You Found Me

I've had a lot of family stuff going on. I've had a lot of health things going on as well. Some due to all the family stuff... go figure! So I'll be taking some time away. It's time to reset some priorities and shuffle some responsibilities.

So normal no longer feels normal. Usual no longer seems usual. Plain is simply plain. The rainbow seems faded, as it is as the storm passes and the sun no longer shines through the rain. Where is the storm? I need the thunder and the lightning.

I recently came across Nickelbacks song Savin' Me on my ipod. It struck a chord in me. Ohh how I can relate to those emotions!

A bridge is an amazing thing. It is strong and secure. It appears rigid and able to hold endless amounts of weight and stresses. Yet it bends and flexes. It sways with the effort to hold up those needing it's support.

I have yet to set eyes on you, but I see your beauty.

My ears have yet to hear your voice, but my mind hears your words and I smile.

My skin has yet to feel your touch, but my body responds to what you say.

My hands have yet to touch you, but I feel the electricity of that contact deep in my soul.

I have yet to feel your physical presence, but my spirit already feels it around, entwining with mine.

Some days it seems the cards are just stacked against you.  Missing a certain someone.

Life takes interesting turns when you least expect it. You can be working on what you think you want. What you need in your life. But then someone comes along. Unexpectedly. Bam! A strike out of the blue. What do you do with a situation like that? I've been told I overthink things. I am too wordy. I listen too much to logic and not enough to my heart and feelings and baser emotions. But logic is what's gotten me through. Or has it? Have I basically survived, existed by letting logic rule me? And not really lived....

So the email is sent. I tried to not overthink it. Just put things out there and see where the cards fall. What will he say? What will he think? He's still speaking to me so that's good. Says he's "mulling things over". Trying very hard to give him space and time to think. Praying for a good outcome. If not, I don't know what's next for me. I am not willing to give up on who I really am. I'm not perfect and I don't expect perfection. Need to go for a walk I think. Hope the rains hold out....

Ever have a thought go through your mind, and it stops you and you go wow! Then next thing you lose your train and it's gone... poof! Been one of those kinds of days for me.

Why do some subs have low self esteem? Why do some subs have poor body images? Just some quiestions I've been mulling over after some conversations. I admit to having some body image issues. There are things I wish I could change but have to accept. Birthing 3 kids can have an effect on the body. And that said, I'm not half bad looking for that! But I honestly think if people were completely honest, this is true for most everyone. Learning how to accept the things that simply are is hard, but must be done. Just like accepting one's preferences as sub or Dom/me or somewhere in the middle. It is fact, deal with it, accept it, and move on with life. It's not easy, issues do creep back on me. But that's life. Just repeat the above statement. Move forward. Keep learning!

*getting off today's soapbox now*

I have actually had a couple realtime chats with some very interesting people. It's nice to know there are people with real thoughts able to carry on real conversations.. D/s related or not! Among every mine full of coal there are a few diamonds. Thank you to those of you who have extended hands in friendship. It is much appreciated!

I finally was able to get yahoo to work on my computer. It always seems to come down to simple errors. Yay me LOL

In my short time here I've found that I do indeed have a lot to learn. Not only about all you folks out there but about myself as well. Will I like everything I find? Probably not. Will I find things I like? Most deffinitely! I've been sent to a couple websites outside of here and I have to say, things are deffinitely mind opening. What an interesting road I find myself on. Thank you to those of you who have shared with me thus far. And I look forward to further chats with new friends as well.