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propIIMSII

Friends:
nykd007
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Welcome to my profile.


-i compose music and play the piano and sing

-i love many acitivies ranging from intellectual conversation, economics, books, movies, history, travels and as far as doing activities plenty of walking,


i would love to have a lady friend to share these thoughts with, and even more I do live Celibate. My career is my passion.





i am honored to meet future friends, and believe in love . i





Bisexual, Les with bicurious tendencies girl (sub, or switch).






i am also interested in meeting *ladies* (Switch, sub, or Domme) as my Dom would like for me to make friends and introduce likeminded kindred kinksters. I believe friendship is the basis ,along with respect, for all interactions.






Heres some things to know about bus drivers and the reasons for the things we do:

 

When a driver pulls into a stop and waits there for 'no reason' : we run to a schedule, we are not allowed to run early whatsoever, so the driver will have pulled into a stop to wait his time down to ensure hes not running early. Trust me, we're as ticked off about it as you. 

 

When you've missed the bus and the driver wont open the doors to let you on: once the driver has closed the doors and signalled to leave the stop he is not allowed to then reopen the doors. We can lose our licenses for this, so forgive us for not risking our jobs because you werent at the stop in time. 

 

When you get on the bus and the driver is rude and miserable: please take into consideration the day that driver has had and how many names that driver has been called because people are having a bad day. You try and smile after being called a fat c**t and ugly b*tch multiple times a day. 

 

You've bought the wrong ticket: unfortunately if you've bought the incorrect ticket you will have to buy the correct one to board the bus. If a bus is inspected and you're on the bus with the wrong ticket the drivers are at risk of disciplinaries. We're not being unfair, we're just doing our jobs. Please dont argue with us or try and reason with us, rules are rules. 

 

You're asked to put your tshirt on before boarding: It's nothing personal, it's not because we dont want to look at your hot sweaty body, or we think you're unattractive. It's because of health and safety. You wouldnt go into a restaurant or into a supermarket without your shirt on, so please dont expect to on a bus. 

 

The bus is late: unfortunately these are circumstances that cannot be avoided. If the traffic is bad or bus is extremely busy, please dont complain to the driver that you're running late for wherever you're off to. Dont forget, hes running late too and most likely wont get a break at the end of his trip. Trust me, the drivers are as annoyed and as stressed as you. 

 

So please, next time you're travelling by bus... take these into consideration!

 

(This is copied from a fellow Bus Driver)

Was very happy to be surprised by great friends.  It's my birthday month,  and I've been enjoying it.  

And on the ninth day, God Looked down on his planned paradise and said, I need soemone to help the farmer"

 

SO GOD MADE TRUCKER.

 

God said, I need someone willing to get up before Dawn in a foreign Town, Inspect his Truck, work all day

delivering anything and everything we need to Survive, care for everyone traveling the roads, then at the end

of a long day call his family who he is away from yet again.

 

SO GOD MADE TRUCKER.

 

God said, I Need somebody wiling to drive a 40 ton Truck all night through snow,sleet,and rain with nerves of steel.

I need somebody who can repair a truck in Zero - Degree weather while cars drive by at 70 miles per hour. I need someone

who can secure a load to an icy trailer in 40 mile winds, and someone who can repair anything with duck tape, bailing wire and elbow grease.

I need someone who will drive 600 miles in a single day dodging cars that dont see him in the mirror, then crawl into the sleeper for a few hours rest,

and longing for their Family at home & put in another 600 miles the next day.

 

SO GOD MADE TRUCKER

 

God said, I need somebody strong enough to lift a hundred pounds, yet gentle enough to waive a small child across the street, and who will stop his truck

for an hour to save a lost dog or to assist a scared single mom whose car has broken down. It has to be somebody who'd drive straight and steady for

hours on end, Someone to drive , repair, load, secure ,and unload for countless hours, and serve others that don't respect them and watch out for everyone.

Somebody who would keep a family together from thousands of miles away, never asking anyone for anything. Someone who would laugh, then sigh and then reply

with smiling eyes; when his son says that he wants to spend his life doing what Daddy does.

THE BUS DRIVER

 

You say because I'm a bus driver, all I do is sit down all day and that my bus is nothing but a road hazard to you...

 

You're right, I do sit down all day...

 

But I sit and see the problems with the world from behind my steering wheel... 

 

I see the young mother texting while driving with her child in the car...

 

I see the drunk driver all over the road after a night out...

 

I see the teen boy trying to impress his mates by speeding recklessly in and out of traffic without realizing the dangers involved...

 

I've seen the first responders closing the body bag...

 

I see young kids begging for attention by chroming...

 

I see the lover quarrels and romantic kisses...

 

I've seen things that allow me to see you're next move on the road...

 

I've seen so many things, that very few things surprise me any more...

 

All You see is a bus driver and think my bus is nothing but a road hazard to you...

 

What you don't see are the amount of lives we take to work and then get home to their families safely every day...

 

The amount of accidents we avoid by silly drivers, riders and pedestrians...

 

The amount of abuse we get for just doing our job...

 

The amount of disrespect we are forced to absorb every day...

 

You don't see the weight and health problems we face...

 

To you we may be just a road hazzard, a lazy bus driver but all my all our grateful passengers, who know what we really do and not just see us as an inconvenience on the road...

 

We thank you for respecting and appreciating us for the hard work and tiring hours...

 

It is for you that we do what we do and it is for you that we are proud to be your 

"BUS DRIVER".

The more he surrendered her, the more he would hold her dear. The fact that he gave her was to him a proof, and ought to be one for her as well, that she belonged to him: one can only give what belongs to you.” - Pauline Réage, Story of O: A Novel 
 

:::smiles:::


Hello to the 5'8 and 5'7 'ers



Can't sleep


Times like this i wish i were being marked by Sir. i would rest to well afterward.

i am one happy sub

Sir allowed me in His presence.

And although i really wish that He would mark me, use me and allow me to be nude...


i was allowed to be overnight slave.


Sir has been patient with my limitations and i am grateful.


i rested really well, but the best part is that i fell asleep by His feet.


i am still not permitted to wear my lock.

https://youtu.be/gAMBKnKPANo



Driver, you can rest now :)

i miss Sir.

Last Night i disobeyed Master. i told Master no.

Master summoned me, but i did not report.

i could not afford transportation.


i really was and am sad that i did not get to see Sir and serve Him.


in 24 years, this is the first time that i did not report-to


i can only hope that someday soon He will mark me.


Master has been distant. i disappoint Him a lot. i am hoping to change that and get in His good graces again. i miss wearing His marks and being in my lock. 


i am sad.

i am very excited. tomorrow is Sir's birthday. i hope Sir allows me to His Domain for His special day. i always am excited on Sir's Birthday.


i miss Sir

i miss hearing my Dom's voice

i miss seeing the times He was happy, before i was punished


i miss wearing His marks.


i miss everything about Sir

Master has given specific orders that i am not to be on the sites. only my own blog. 


i am grateful for Master's orders. i won't be on the site here until given the privelege. 


LOVE this song.

the lyrics are so powerful:

Whoa, whoa, yea, yea
I love you more than I can say
I'll love you twice as much tomorrow
Oh, love you more than I can say
Whoa, whoa, yea, yea
I'll miss ya ev'ry single day
Why must my life be filled with sorrow?
Oh, love you more than I can say
Ah, don't you know I need you so?
Oh tell me please, I gotta know!
Do you mean to make me cry?
Am I just another guy?
Whoa, whoa, yea, yea
I miss you more than I can say
Why must my life be filled with sorrow?
Oh, oh, love you more than I can say
Oh don't you know I need you so?
So tell me please, I gotta know!
Do you mean to make me cry?
Am I just another guy?
Whoa, whoa, yea, yea
I love you more than I can say
I'll love you twice as much tomorrow
Whoa, love you more than I can say
I love you more than I can say
I love you more than I can say, oh
I'll love you twice as much tomorrow
(More than I can say)
I'll love you twice as much tomorrow
I love you more than I can say
I love you more than words can say
(More than I can say)

I love you more than I can say


https://youtu.be/yX4zGUjovyM

 

 

 

Seeing Sir was amazing. i wish He would use me, put clips on me and such but most subs do wish!


i am feeling better from my surgery, but still quite run down. off to bed i go!

with hopeful dreams of Master!

i hope Master summons me.

i hope Master summons me.

It was just an old worn out jeep
Rusty old floor boards
Hot on my feet
A young girl, two hands on the wheel
I can't replace the way it, made me feel
And he'd say turn it left
And steer it right
Straighten up girl now, you're doing just fine
Just a little valley by the river where we'd ride
But I was high on a mountain
When daddy let me
Drive
Daddy let me drive
Oh he let me, drive

i am nervous at my surgery next week.

yes, it will be better when they cyst is gone.

no more pulling over to use the restroom. no more pain, no more incontinence. no more weight gain.


just hoping that the cyst does not come up as cancerous when they send it to the lab to be tested.


i dont mind the anesthesia. but

i still have two gifts (well 3) that i got for Sir for the holidays.


one item is something i hope He will use on me. 

However, i know that when i present an item to Sir in hopes that He will use it on me, that is not the case.


Perfect for a Sadist? 


i got Sir some clamps that accomodate pierced large nipples perfectly. they are spiked and operate like vices. i tried one on myself briefly and nearly made a mess in my garments!


i know Sir does not, as a general rule, use anything on me i present to Him. Sir uses items that are often unforgiving and found perhaps in an average home.


i remember during reinstatement, Master broke a broom handle over my bottom. it was amazing.


when i am reminded of my mortality especially, i remember even more so how much Master means to me. And that means working on misbehaving LESS.


it is important to understand constantly that i am fortunate to not have been dismissed or worse: the "R" word.


Master is my world in the sense that i adore Him entirely. Every aspect of Him. i always have. and i always hope to if He allows me to.


do i wish that He would mark me and use me at least once per week? yes


do i wish that He would share me, make me His total slut? yes


am i nervous at some aspects? yes


but does it excite me? by far


i love everything about Owner. i just wish i could see Owner more.


i wish He would come to work with me one day. i wil and can wait another 20 years. god willing.


the longest wait were the 14 years of dismal dismissal. now you want to talk depressing? waiting 14 years for Master is the worst!

far worse than not being used or marked!


each year that passes i find that Sir gets more distinguised. from the way that He reads, or the way that He admonishes me. from His sadistic desirable persona to His commanding ways


everything to His nice smile that i can feel the presence of , although i have not made Him happy in years :(


i am fatso and need to lose weight on a stricy diet regimen. pandemic weight gain and my cyst caused it. 


i must be desirable to Master!


....to be continued

I might have the Big C

Just keep me in thoughts


i have no one.

just God

I miss Master stretching & fisting me.

i miss Master marking me.


it has been about one year since He has last marked me.

i wish He would chain me up. i would not whimper or struggle.


it seems as of late all of my, or most of my  words, are ignored.


punishment can be a strange vehicle.

sometimes i feel alone.

being without Master's presence.

Sir does not want me on the sites, so i will be on my tumbler doing the tumbling thing.


i have a beautiful outfit and thigh highs for Master


i just wish He would motivate me with marks. and put me on a strict diet regimen.


i miss Owner immensely. things are not the same when i am not in His presence.


i am grateful.

I am so excited, but yet sad

(I know, I seem hormonal right?)


i got a very special outfit to wear for Sir next time He summons me!

Even though clothes are not allowed at His Domain!


i have been on a strict diet and a special weight loss pill .

i must lose 35 pounds.

Pandemic weight gain :(


Sir deserves me at my best, so i am on a strict diet!


i wish Sir would mark me 


But about the outfit:

there are thigh highs and the outfit is something O would wear . It is elegant, submissive and feminine.

And it is flattering for fatso me.


i miss Master so much

and i adore Him more than the world!

I was so lucky to see Sir!

To be in His presence for the New Year, was so special.

Last year I was not in His presence for New Year's and I had a crappy year

From the Bella Donna era, with pictures of late seventies, early eighties. The guy you see in the first picture that produced her first (and best, imo) albums, Bella Donna and Wild Heart. So enjoy. Most people agree that this song is about Lindsey, though whether the speaker is Stevie or Lindsey is sometimes unclear. In a Billboard Magazine (4/18/98) article, Stevie said, "'Gold And Braid' is an unreleased track from my [1981] Bella Donna [solo debut] sessions, and it's about Lindsey wanting more from me in our relationship. But wanting to know everything about someone, which goes hand in hand with being in love, was never something I've ever wanted to share with anybody." From this quote we can establish that this song is definitely about Lindsey and his relationship with Stevie. Determining whether the speaker is Stevie or Lindsey can sometimes be difficult but most people felt that Lindsey was speaking until the last stanza and then Stevie becomes the speaker at some point in the last stanza. Though deep set And somewhat shadowed Her life, her mystery But that's not so different than the way that he says Don't hide your eyes from me that way baby Lindsey tells Stevie not to be so guarded and mysterious and to let him know what she feels. Stevie has said that she likes to keep some mystery and this shows that she has it even with Lindsey. It relates back to her quote because she does not want to share everything, she likes to keep some of her mystique. Stevie's life being "deep set" could mean that it is firmly established, maybe in that she will definitely be this famous singer/songwriter that she is. Stevie has been known to sing, "her eyes, her mystery". This also fits in well with the rest of the lyrics because eyes are said to hold the truth and mirror the soul. "Deep set" could be taken more literally when describing her eyes because Stevie's eyes are somewhat deep set but this could also be more of a figurative description and mean that the mystery lying behind her eyes is very hidden and deep within her eyes. In his heart he wishes her stardom His eyes want for her much more That's not so different than the way that He says there are so very few stars left Stevie apparently wrote this song in the very early 80s, or possibly the late 70s. During this time she and Lindsey were not getting along well at all and Lindsey was very hateful towards Stevie. Stevie feels however that in his heart he does want her to do well and be successful with her career. Lindsey never told Stevie he wanted her to be successful and happy but she knows that he wishes it. Stevie also sees in Lindsey's eyes that he does not just want success for her in her career but in much deeper and greater things. Interpreters thought that, "there are so very few stars left," could mean that Lindsey feels there is a shortage of true singer/musicians left in the music industry. Others felt that by, "stars," Stevie just means people important and special to Lindsey. Either way, this line has to do with Lindsey seeing Stevie as a rare and special person. Don't hide behind your hair! It's a bit of golden braid Easy come the tears, You see a pathway Ending with a doorway She slips toward the doorway She's been waiting there all day All these years! "Don't hide behind your hair," is very similar to, "don't hide your eyes from me" used in the first verse. Again Stevie has Lindsey saying that she should not hide or be afraid of her solo career. That she is hiding behind her hair could also mean that she should not hide in her image of her long hair and layers of chiffon but should let her true self and soul come through. The braid also could be symbolic because a braid is wrapped up tightly and not flowing freely, like Stevie is keeping to herself and not being open. It was also brought up that Stevie must also believe that she should not hide behind her hair because she was the one who wrote the song, not Lindsey. She understands and sees truth in what he tells her but she may too scared to act upon it at this point. Interpreters consider the "pathway" to be Stevie's pathway to success, particularly in her solo career. The doorway at the end is like her big break into solo success. She's been waiting for this break for many years. The doorway could also be Stevie's escape, either from Lindsey, Fleetwood Mac, or something else and maybe once she goes through that doorway she will no longer have to hide behind her hair. It was also suggested that Lindsey could be at the end of the doorway. Regardless of exactly what is through the doorway, it will definitely bring Stevie happiness.

Master does not like whining.

Master does not like nagging.


i will focus on whining less.

i miss Sir

i love serving Sir

i.

Master has all but abandoned me

basically


He does not summon me

He does not give me orders, other than to be silent

and to stop being a pain in the butt


i miss Master


the 14 years i was without Him i had someone to help me through it


it is just me


and i know i will be journaling

celibacy has been sad

freddie

 

 

i remember the day freddie passed


as someone who sings and plays music


and writes


i really loved freddie


everything about him. his voice (I sing also) 

his extra teeth and the buck appearance it gave him


everything about him


i grew up wanting to someday sing with him


so i prospered and excelled in my musical tutelage


only to find this day in 91 he died


i never looked at singing the same


Sir has allowed me little phone calls.

i think little phone calls, hearing His voice and telling Him "anything for You,Sir"

brighten my day .

i just wish He would summon me.



i miss Sir

i have been disobedient & not obeying quiet hours


i miss Him and wish He would bind me and mark me.


the last time He marked me was early wintertime, and i wish that He would mark me.


i would not struggle and i would go to work happy, and not be sad.

Drill sgt passed from a massive heart attack. he lived as a lonely person and passed as such

 

he was not the most literate person, but he was able to articulate.

 

i tried for 11 years to find him . he liked being alone.

 

similar but so different

 

i did not love him but i respected him

 

i always wanted to do his job. 

 

closest i came was what i do now. he did well. he taught me well.

 

and as i said earlier:

 

driver. you can rest now.

 

feel the green blades between my fingers as i shut out the weeping face of the world and your holy words they’re like water like stones in the river bed they lead me to you

veterans day

first in heaven, RJH


you were with me when i bought my first 10000 maniacs cassette

you taught me to drive

you wanted me to join the reserves

you liked half and half in your coffee also


you taught me to sew patch

to iron

to not use excuses

you taught me to shine shoes


all the things i thought did not matter

i didnt love you

but i respected you


till that one day you lost me


im grateful i found Master . 

and i know you are at peace now


but i know all is well

belated post since the journal functions have been restored here.


RIP, RJH Randy H Msgt, TSgt, SRA. 

Obituary

I met Randy in 1997. I met him through a telephone dating service.

I was new to everything. Just out of school. I met him and realized he was living out of doors. Retired from the Army, very smart and mechanical and a result of the infamous IBM downsizing . When I met him I saw what I see myself in as of late: A funk. I took him in to my small home. I was dirt poor and had no one .I mean no one and dirt poor. I learned about his experiences in the military, at IBM and about his life. I learned how he was the black sheep of his family. We had things in common, but he was very much older than myself. And of course, alternative lifestyles. "One day, you will wake up and be 40 years old kid" And he was right. RJH was also a trucker. A very professional mindset, who always was honest. A person who would point out my stupidities, my short comings and who hated (loathed) the Tee Vee. He would go on diatribes about the Tee Vee. What do people "do all day who watch the tee vee". He always cleaned up well in his dress blues. He taught me how to press uniforms, only to prepare me for my driving career.He was good at telling stories. He was honest and blunt. And although I did not love him, I respected a lot about him. We were together on y2k. I had an alcoholic beverage and he went on a tirade of how you can't and are not to even sit in a vehicle under the influence. I remember y2k clearly now that you are gone. And I remember our breakup. The relief after. But I always regarded you as a friend. And I always wanted the best for you. One day I explained to him that I wanted to drive. Big vehicles. I didn't even have a car license. He helped me overcome my fear/phobia of small vehicles. Well , he helped me overcome it enough to pass a car test.  Although I prefer driving very heavy vehicles, he made it possible. And so we moved in together. And he went away to Texas to learn about C-5A Galaxy aircraft. He became an airman. I attended many events, promotions, and such. There were many arguments but also good times. He was unique. And he, like myself, was misunderstood. He dealt with a lot. Hindsight is 20/20 I will be brief.

But Rest in Peace, Driver.

 

Rest in peace, fellow operator.

Rest in peace, servant of this great land of the free.

Rest in peace to Valhalla.

Rest in peace at one with the earth away from chaos and this not so easy at times life

Rest well, airman.

Rest well ya dam drill seargeant

Rest well you grumpy older man,

But!

You will always be a fellow Driver to me. Grinding them gears. Floating that clutch.

The late night talks about how important it is to have a good attitude, and to be professional. That tends to hit harder when someone is gone. And although you had a lot of issues- who the heck doesn't? I saw what I needed to see in you and evolved.

Without you I would not have ever met Sir. The first time we signed onto AOL together. The first time I came home to tell you I drove a big behemoth bus or truck. And that time I wrecked my Sable. Well, the guy who ran that red light. And you left work and came right to the hospital.


Then there were the times you took your PTSD out on me. And seeing what I endured after you and married, I realize hindsight has and always will be 20/20. Clear as day. You wanted me to marry you. For the benefits. You wanted stability for me. But I wanted chaos subconsicouly in a way.

And you truly deserved a military honors funeral. Msgt/Tsgt Hargrave, sleep well. Even though we didn't work out, I am grateful because were it not for you I would not have met my Master. I remember the first time dialing up on the Internet. It was with you.


So rest well, and I will call you Sir.  As you deserve it after all these years.

An overused term in your field perhaps.

I know you were a staunch non theist. But whatever you believe in, just know:

Soldiers never die.

And may you rest well. Thank you for teaching me so that I am never without a job. And I was looking for over 11 years for you. You hid well. You never liked being online.

Another "R" gone too soon.

Enjoy the song that I would want played for me. I feel the commonality of our brief life the song explains it

Life is a dam carnival https://youtu.be/VDeq9OcJWWM #RIP

From the Internet: We are sad to announce that on May , 2021, at the age of 63, Randy   California, born in Poughkeepsie, New York passed away. Family and friends are welcome to send flowers or leave their condolences on this memorial page and share them with the family. 


Life is a dam carnival.


So go driver- that big highway inthe sky.

or if you prefer that big active.

you liked those planes but hated the noise


sleep well old friend


(I still remember when we went to New Paltz to buy Natalie's Tigerlily cassette) and also the Carnival cassingle. 

I will not top from the bottom!

belated post since the journal functions have been restored here.


RIP, RJH Randy H Msgt, TSgt, SRA. 

Obituary

I met Randy in 1997. I met him through a telephone dating service.

I was new to everything. Just out of school. I met him and realized he was living out of doors. Retired from the Army, very smart and mechanical and a result of the infamous IBM downsizing . When I met him I saw what I see myself in as of late: A funk. I took him in to my small home. I was dirt poor and had no one .I mean no one and dirt poor. I learned about his experiences in the military, at IBM and about his life. I learned how he was the black sheep of his family. We had things in common, but he was very much older than myself. And of course, alternative lifestyles. "One day, you will wake up and be 40 years old kid" And he was right. RJH was also a trucker. A very professional mindset, who always was honest. A person who would point out my stupidities, my short comings and who hated (loathed) the Tee Vee. He would go on diatribes about the Tee Vee. What do people "do all day who watch the tee vee". He always cleaned up well in his dress blues. He taught me how to press uniforms, only to prepare me for my driving career.He was good at telling stories. He was honest and blunt. And although I did not love him, I respected a lot about him. We were together on y2k. I had an alcoholic beverage and he went on a tirade of how you can't and are not to even sit in a vehicle under the influence. I remember y2k clearly now that you are gone. And I remember our breakup. The relief after. But I always regarded you as a friend. And I always wanted the best for you. One day I explained to him that I wanted to drive. Big vehicles. I didn't even have a car license. He helped me overcome my fear/phobia of small vehicles. Well , he helped me overcome it enough to pass a car test.  Although I prefer driving very heavy vehicles, he made it possible. And so we moved in together. And he went away to Texas to learn about C-5A Galaxy aircraft. He became an airman. I attended many events, promotions, and such. There were many arguments but also good times. He was unique. And he, like myself, was misunderstood. He dealt with a lot. Hindsight is 20/20 I will be brief.

But Rest in Peace, Driver.

 

Rest in peace, fellow operator.

Rest in peace, servant of this great land of the free.

Rest in peace to Valhalla.

Rest in peace at one with the earth away from chaos and this not so easy at times life

Rest well, airman.

Rest well ya dam drill seargeant

Rest well you grumpy older man,

But!

You will always be a fellow Driver to me. Grinding them gears. Floating that clutch.

The late night talks about how important it is to have a good attitude, and to be professional. That tends to hit harder when someone is gone. And although you had a lot of issues- who the heck doesn't? I saw what I needed to see in you and evolved.

Without you I would not have ever met Sir. The first time we signed onto AOL together. The first time I came home to tell you I drove a big behemoth bus or truck. And that time I wrecked my Sable. Well, the guy who ran that red light. And you left work and came right to the hospital.


Then there were the times you took your PTSD out on me. And seeing what I endured after you and married, I realize hindsight has and always will be 20/20. Clear as day. You wanted me to marry you. For the benefits. You wanted stability for me. But I wanted chaos subconsicouly in a way.

And you truly deserved a military honors funeral. Msgt/Tsgt Hargrave, sleep well. Even though we didn't work out, I am grateful because were it not for you I would not have met my Master. I remember the first time dialing up on the Internet. It was with you.


So rest well, and I will call you Sir.  As you deserve it after all these years.

An overused term in your field perhaps.

I know you were a staunch non theist. But whatever you believe in, just know:

Soldiers never die.

And may you rest well. Thank you for teaching me so that I am never without a job. And I was looking for over 11 years for you. You hid well. You never liked being online.

Another "R" gone too soon.

Enjoy the song that I would want played for me. I feel the commonality of our brief life the song explains it

Life is a dam carnival https://youtu.be/VDeq9OcJWWM #RIP

From the Internet: We are sad to announce that on May , 2021, at the age of 63, Randy   California, born in Poughkeepsie, New York passed away. Family and friends are welcome to send flowers or leave their condolences on this memorial page and share them with the family. 


Life is a dam carnival.


So go driver- that big highway inthe sky.

or if you prefer that big active.

you liked those planes but hated the noise


sleep well old friend

Silence, isolation .
Remorse;
Reflections.
No mirrors needed, Hindsight lights the way.
Rear view mind. Accelerating desires. Buckle up. Stay safe. Hurry up to wait.

Resting feel run down

Sir allowed me in His presence the other night.

It was very special to me.

i even was allowed to watch tv and sit by Him.

However, i was a lousy masochist. i really am sad that i screamed and told Him to stop. i for some reason, just could not channel pain. i have noticed that after working i tend to not be able to channel pain.

i miss Sir's attention and hope He will desire to inflict upon me in the near future.


i admire Him, and always have....and always will.


i have so many desires : pleasing Him, being used by Him and more.


i truly adore Sir.

Master's smile .

i wish Master would smile more often.


Sir is unique.


The same Master i first had the honor of being approached by so many years ago, is the same Master i always see.

the timeless smile.


the adorable gap in His smile (of course perfect teeth with a perfect gap)


and the timeless face Master has


the natural scent Master always had and has


i miss Sir especially at n ight


sometimes i wish i were caged and kept in a cage and locked up


i love serving the Dom with all of my heart.

Sir allowed me in His presence yesterday.

He was early to the restaurant. i have desired being in His presence and enjoying the silence, tranquility and occasional thought or thoughts Sir will share.

Sir looked as usual, handsome despite being dressed very casually. 

i wore a black dress with cincher over it. i wish i wore my ponytail addition that i have so He can see it. 

Being in Sir's presence is calming.

But i really desire His marks. To be chained up and unable to escape His inflictions.

i am His. and even though at times He might be silent , i am His. i am reminded of who and what i am like i am reminded of life each time that i breathe.


i just wish He would let me wear my lock.


Sadly, lunch was short and He did not invite me to His Domain.


i truly adore Sir and hope that i make Him happy again like i used to. Sir would light up . the present is a gift, that is why it's called the present. 


these guys who are passive aggressive- i have no interest in whatsoever. 
i think i prefer composing music because music does not have words. scores and compositions i write do not have words. perhaps that is more of my direction as of late. 

understandable.

relatable.

typical?

i prefer scores and compostions

is it because i prefer to allow the listener to choose?

to invoke or evoke an emotion? big difference there

what?
i am going thru old photos and for the first time watching clips of the Morrissey concert i attended right before my ex went off on me for the last time. during the concert i was texting my Dom and made out with a girl, and was too chicken to take the girl to my Dom. i am grafetul to be Owned and i obey my Master
disobedience and haste are similar.
after my Dom ordered me to bed, i had the most vivid dreams. after He gave me a reward i drifted into slumber. i dreamt of a long sexual session, with so many gushing orgasms. i dreamt of marks left on my body as well. i awakened for work this morning throbbing....soaked.

i can only hope to serve my Dom rt .

i will have great thoughts in th eback of my mind at work.

i am His Property
the amount of admiration , respect and devotion i have for my Owner isn't easily described.
my Master is merciful, calm and an example. My Master is merciful - i have PMS
my mind wanders thinking how great it would be if i had 2 room mates who were into fetish!
i woke up cranky this morning. chastity (after 2-3 days of no sexual release) i tend to have difficulty with obedience. i must remain focused.
having the privelege of seeing and serving my Dom daily has been nothing short of wonderful! i love serving my Dom. i am grateful and focusing on obedience.
i do not know what time He left last night. i was ordered to rest and go to bed. i drifted into slumber after receiving such order with a tranquil calm inside my heart.our play session was a lot of fun because the pain was/is cumulative.

another workday of arousal and throbbing will make me think of my play sessions with my Dom.
My Master taught me (and reinforced more importantly), the importance of obeying Him.
i was fortunate that He has begun stretching me again. i go to work with a beautiful, exquisite pain. i can only hope that my Master will entertain himself at the expense of my whimpers.
Not being allowed to greet my Dom physically is gut wrenching. In a way, it resembles a form of d*******l. 

Many Protocol ects have been stripped , and i realize how much of a privelege they are and that i must improve my obedience, my behavior.
i exist to serve my Dom. i am grateful for His cruel punishment. i am grateful that He cares enough about His slave to punish her. i am grateful that i will be punished and eventually be allowed to serve Him again. i was not allowed to please my Dom sexually, and i am not allowed to write or sexually relieve myself. obedience to my Dom is at the foont of my service. imagine waiting 14 years to serve the Dom who d********d You so long ago! would You not be the most perfect slave?

i look forward to the time that i will be allowed to worship my Dom's body again


the remorse and sadness i hold as a result of displeasing and disappointing my Dom is beyond profound.
fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

youtu.be/gTvwCR9uCpk
youtu.be/HQ5rUN8D9u4


mmmmmmm
I'm writing this to say in a gentle way Thank You - but no I will live my life as I will undoubtedly die - alone


I'm writing this to say in a gentle way Thank you... I will live my life as I... for whether you stay or you stray an inbuilt guilt catches up with you and as it comes around to your place at 5 a.m. it wakes you up and it laughs in your face
exquisite. absolutely tear inducing

youtu.be/EG6L0vF7uEg

gorgeous
My Dom decided to reward me with some exquisite pain, and teased me with what i though was going to be his fist inside me. However, any sexual attention is a gift in and of itself from my cruel ;) , Sadistic, and difficult-to-please Owner! :)

i am grateful that i had the chance to correct my subpar service the other night .

i am Owned. i am useful.

my Dom's happiness is extremely gratifying.
my Dom surprised me with an inspection. of course, being as busy i am with work ....i did not pass home inspection for cleanliness.
my Dom allowed me to sexually Serve Him (but silently and NO marks)


my Dom ravaged me sexually, (although i certainly wanted more) and made certain i did not gush all over

i  am padlocked again and kept on the edge of a state of sensitivity bordering with frustration ;)
disgusting that ppl who are nearly 70 are looking at my profile. blech!

BIG difference between 50s and 70s
i miss serving my Dom.


the padlock on my labia chastity rings gets heavy after a while. espeically after my Master teases me.

i am dripping wet for days, weeks.....chastity

throbbing
passenger says to me: in china men go first

i say:

THIS IS FUCKING AMERICA. I am first. I am the fucking captain of this muthafuckingship. 

As I proceeded to tell the idiot how my shitkicker would be across his neck as he eats his own balls.
i am in bed, and adhering to my Master's orders. i hope to be deemed worthy to serve my Master tomorrow, especially since i must return to work Sunday. i want to be in a nice sub glow for returning after my long absence from work.

i miss serving my Dom in person.

maybe tomorrow i will have a reward such as padlock off...?
so much for that. oh well.
i hope to serve my Master. it has been a little whil since i have been able to serve Him and i am very excited.
i am finally able to get some rest after an eventful night. i am still ill, also. :(

i drift to slumber after having an epiphany. have not had one so powerful , significant since my Dom reinstated me.

and everything
said

it all came to a point . i got it.

no more disobeying .

i understand. everything plugged in, so-to-speak.


i miss serving my Dom and can only hope to serve my Dom soon.
after 72 hours of utter burning up.... i am back. FINALLY
after 72 hours of utter burning up.... i am back. FINALLY
remembering my purpose and position keeps me grounded. i am my Master's Property. i am Owned by my Dom. i obey my Dom.
bye.
would love to find a submissive/switch room mate./
lol just found a vid clip of me going up 60something floors and im like "dam my ears"
Mariah Carey still singing strong decades later. awesomesauce
i had so much diesel running thru me that when i returned to work i needed a regen!
sometimes i miss my Manhattan life. then i realize the "price" i paid for it. i am grounded and reminded that it definitely wasn't worth it/
i find that wearing  my lock keeps me somewhat well-behaved
i like elevators. maybe because inside elevators people have hope. some have certainty. all have places to go. plans. firm plans and knowing precisely where they will go.

an elevator is like a Dom.

seriously.


My one day off I was all alone. Sad time of year. Wish I could serve njt Dom .
i have writer's block. 
today i will think of serving my Master in the most pleasant, obedient and effective manner possible.
i can FINALLY focus on being the best slave for my master. FINALLY.
"now ive got that feeling once again
i cannot explain
you would not understand, this is not how i am"
mmmmmm

https://youtu.be/AVmi9pHJnqQ


mmmmmmmm
i am looking for Mistresses and subs that would be interested in sharing an apt. i prefer to meet like minded folk
DA_YUM

http://www.livingny.com/index.cfm?page=details&id=557257&isMLS=1


DA_M!!

holy shit!!!!

other than resembling a dystopian novel or hospital its wicked!
oh now when i think ideal bedroom THIS is what i think!

and it inspires my writing. in fact, when i began my manu, THIS sort of bedroom is what was in my mind!!


http://www.livingny.com/index.cfm?page=details&id=27224

ah now back to my work
ah..... a girl can dream
http://www.livingny.com/index.cfm?page=details&id=93849

not too keen on the small windows but everything else is nice. hmmm
i smile at the thought of my Dom while at work.... keeps me alert during long workdays
i have written a self-help program, with my accompanying manu. I called it "Right Life, Wrong Turn" for obvious reasons. It also pays tribute to me being a driver , hence the "wrong turn" reference.

here is a snippet:

in life, there are people who choose not to admit wrongdoing. restitution is nonexistent. moral inventory never crosses their mind. it is not YOUR fault if a person chooses to attempt to define *your* reality. It is not YOUR fault if a person chooses to not humble themselves. It most certainly is NOT your fault if a person chooses guilt as comfort. Complacency as a safety net. Blame as a crutch in which "relieves" them of accountability. When in actuality, its quite the opposite.


 

I must have foreshadowed my ex.

Reading my own content brings about a sort of catharsis
i don't like sleeping in a bed, and sometimes i think my Master knows that as His slave sometimes the most challenging orders are that which are 'normal' vanilla behaviors
Sir leaves when i am in a deep sleep. i never hear Him. i awaken in the middle of the night to find my Master is gone and it is sad but yet i remember my standing orders
yesterday was a sad day.while i am extremely grateful to be Owned by my Master, the fact that i have been disappointing my Dom has been very difficult to accept and cope with.
i can deal with never being whipped, chastity ect

but what is more difficult to deal with is when my Master is disappointed/unhappy with me.
that is far more painful than any physical scene, physical punishment

i spent the day alone yesterday remembering why i loathe holidaze /horrordays aka holidays


i am grateful to serve my Master
seeing my Owner for the first time in awhile, i was extremely nervous.
when i am nervous, i become chatty/.

i was so chatty , similar to a younger person swooning over their crush.

well...

my Master played with me (of course teasing me and leaving me in chastity)

throbbing , dull pain when i sit has been with me all day today. reminding me of my place and a renewed sense of obedience.

i want to serve my Master in a more obedient manner

i wish i could do chores for my Dom
"Who is she", they were saying, "who does she belong to?"
'O tried on each of the masks. The most striking, and the one she thought transformed her most and was also most natural, was one of the owl masks...'


"Who is she", they were saying, "who does she belong to?"


“You will learn how to listen and obey. Do you understand me?” “Do you understand Me”
 
“answer, bitch”
 
 
 
“….Yes Sir, i will listen and obey. i promise. i won’t do anything else but listen and obey” 
 
 
 
“good. i think we are beginning to understand one another”
back on track focusing on obedience. writing has been cathartic
although i've had writer's block in regards to my manu , i have been journaling a bit
when i feel alone, i remember the rings ...my jewelry and the lock i wear: i remember the orders i am given and obeying
I wish I could serve
It is only when you make me suffer that I feel safe and secure. You should never have agreed to be a god for me if you were afraid to assume the duties of a god, and we all know that they are not as tender as all that.” 
https://youtu.be/kszLwBaC4Sw
not an easy day today
i have been reflecting as a slavegirl. my immediate goal is to remember to be obedient *even when things are difficult* . most important, orders are to be adhered to even when it is difficult to obey!


i must focus on obeying my Master! I need to focus on my orders. I truly want to serve and obey my Master. i want to please my Master.
It is only when you make me suffer that I feel safe and secure. You should never have agreed to be a god for me if you were afraid to assume the duties of a god, and we all know that they are not as tender as all that.” 
― Pauline Réage

Story of O: A Novel

i hope i can serve my Dom
i exist to obey my Master

to improve

and be the best
https://youtu.be/Mx5Iq0LTYw0
https://youtu.be/mmq3ylfVJ3Q
One day, whether you are 14, 28 or 65,you will stumble upon someone who will start a fire in you that cannot die.


However, the saddest, most awful truth you will ever come to find––is they are not always with whom we spend our lives" Beau Taplin

i am grateful to be Owned Property. i am happy that my Master has allowed me the special task and order of finding and meeting girls/couples. i am happy pleasing my Master. i truly bask in my Dom's happiness. in my innermost being, i am very happy serving my Master. i know that when and if i am given a compliment/ect that it is truly...earned. i love to leave for work while Sir is resting peacefully. i love serving my Dom. i can only hope that one day He will use me again, unlock me and maybe leave whipmarks across my body. 
One day, whether you are 14, 28 or 65,you will stumble upon someone who will start a fire in you that cannot die.However, the saddest, most awful truth you will ever come to find––is they are not always with whom we spend our lives" Beau Taplin
33 years she waited

https://youtu.be/j4f4-9osaeg

you can tell. 

it never dies.
i smile when i think about obedience and being a better slavegirl for my Dom
 O hated herself for her own desire, and loathed Sir Stephen for the self-control he was displaying. She wanted him to love her, there, the truth was out: she wanted him to be chafing under the urge to touch her lips and penetrate her body, to devastate her if need be, but not to remain so calm and selfpossessed

-Pauline REage, Story of O
one of my favorite excerpts from Pauline Reage's Story of O:

"You are here to serve your masters. During the day, you will perform whatever domestic duties are assigned to you, such as sweeping, putting back the books, arranging flowers, or waiting on table. Nothing more difficult than that. But at the first word or sign from anyone you will drop whatever you are doing and ready yourself for what is really your one and only duty: to lend yourself. Your hands are not your own, nor are your breasts, nor, most especially, any of your bodily orifices, which we may explore or penetrate at will. You will remember at all times - or as constantly as possible - that you have lost all right to privacy or concealment, and as a reminder of this fact, in our presence you will never close your lips completely, or cross your legs, or press your knees together (you may recall you were forbidden to do this the minute you arrived). This will serve as a constant reminder, to you as well as to use, that your mouth, your belly, and your backside are open to us. You will never touch your breasts in our presence: the bodice raises them toward us, that they may be ours. During the day you will therefore be dressed, and if anyone should order you to lift your skirt, you will lift it; if anyone desires to use you in any manner whatsoever, he will use you, unmasked, but with this one reservation: the whip. The whip will be used only between dusk and dawn. But besides the whipping you receive from whoever may want to whip you, you will also be flogged in the evening, as punishment for any infractions of the rules committed during the day: for having been slow to oblige, for having raised your eyes and looked at the person addressing you or taking you - you must never look any of us in the face. If the costume we wear in the evening - the one I am now wearing - leaves our sex exposed, it is not for the sake of convenience, for it would be just as convenient the other way, but for the sake of insolence, so that your eyes will be directed there upon it and nowhere else, so that you may learn that there resides your master, for whom, above all else, your lips are intended. During the day, when we are dressed in normal attire and you are clothed as you are now, the same rules will apply, except that when requested you will open your clothes, and then close them again when we have finished with you. Another thing: at night you will have only your lips with which to honor us - and your wide-spread thighs - for your hands will be tied behind your back and you will be naked, as you were a short while ago. You will be blindfolded only to be maltreated and, now that you have seen how you are whipped, to be flogged. And yes, by the way: while it is perfectly all right for you to grow accustomed to being whipped - since you are going to be every day throughout your stay - this is less for our pleasure than for your enlightenment. How true this is may be shown by the fact that on those nights when no one desires you, you will wait until the valet whose job it is comes to your solitary cell and administers what you are due to receive but we are not in the mood to mete out. Actually, both this flogging and the chain - which when attached to the ring of your collar keeps you more or less closely confined to your bed several hours a day - are intended less to make you suffer, scream, or shed tears than to make you feel, through this suffering, that you are not free but fettered, and to teach you that you are totally dedicated to something outside yourself. When you leave here, you will be wearing on your third finger an iron ring, which will identify you. Bu then you will have learned to obey those who wear the same insignia, and when they see it they will know that beneath your skirt you are constantly naked, however comely or commonplace your clothes may be, and that this nakedness is for them. Should anyone find you in the least intractable, he will return you here. Now you will be shown to your cell."
i love obeying my Master's orders.
A true slave, the one who will be cherished and valued, will never allow their skills and talents to become stagnant. They will never be satisfied with their own level of competence. And they will always be willing to follow their owner's lead, quickly, respectfully, and to the best of their ability. 

i miss serving my Master.
You will stay still and allow me to hurt you if it pleases me and then you will thank me for hurting you

-from my mau #1

The tears came to my eyes as soon as you said that and after three more hits, they were coursing down my face and dripping onto your leg. Good girl. Such a precious slut. Did you know that you are my most prized possession? Your tears belong to only me.  I felt the blade of the knife touch my ass and I moved closer to your lap. Nooooooooooooo, I wailed.  Tell me you desire me above all others. I desire you above all others, Master. Tell me that you will never allow another cock between your legs again I will never allow another cock between my legs again.e You moved the knife between my legs, stroking my thighs and then I felt it touch my pussy. A pitiful moan started in my heart and escaped from my mouth.  Beg me to cut you, whore. That was too much for me. My fright had reached limits I could not control. I jumped down and clung to your legs and begged you with all my heart, soul, and mind. Now your words ring true,bitch! You are mine to do with as I wish. You will use your manners from now on. Understood?Yes, yes. Anything ,Master.

from an early 2003/2004 manu

But there is no real me: only an entity, something illusory.

And though I can hide my cold gaze,

and you can shake my hand and feel flesh gripping yours and maybe you can even sense our lifestyles are probably comparable...

I simply am not there
serving my Master makes me smile.

still sore....
took my bra off and i still feel pain

a reminder 

;)


located a very old profile of mine, which stated:
**Note: I won't under any circumstance bottom to any individual on this planet**

i stated this to my ex the day i met him, and long after leaving him .... is it any wonder that i was honest?


But there is no real me: only an entity, something illusory. And though I can hide my cold gaze, and you can shake my hand and feel flesh gripping yours and maybe you can even sense our lifestyles are probably comparable... I simply am not there
“Well you added thicker rings in your pussy, and an additional clit ring.Speak”
 
“i added the additional ring and increased the gauge of my jewelry so that it can be attached and used for various reasons. weight, leashes, and whatever whims . “
 
“that is not relevant” you reply.
 
“Try again”
 
“How may i serve You , Sir”?
 
“Dumb bitch I know what you are here for. You are here for my whim. Get down on your knees and suck my cock like your life depends on it, bitch. Like it is your last meal on this Earth.”
 
She quickly opens her mouth. Her knees on the marble floor increase the sensation between her legs. 
She sucks hard, and so wet. She enjoys Your cock slamming the back of her throat entering as far back as you exist.
You pull her hair. you slap her face. You put Your hands around her neck. You begin face fucking her. You want to pinch her nipples but do not care about anything else right now.
 
She proceeds to suck and suck, turning her head. Moving her tongue, Deeper and deeper, Harder and harder. Wetter and wetter. You want it to last longer. 
 
You explode in a violent rage of ecstasy into her throat. Pulling her hair as hard as you can. You explode so much filling her mouth, throat, and nearly spilling out.
 
“Don’t allow any of it on my floor, whatsoever bitch"
 
 
“Mmmmmmm . “
She is throbbing . 
 
She orgasms without any contact. “
 
“Again , bitch? Let’s get something straight, Or as straight as you think you are, you lesbian cunt. There is to be none of that. You are here to serve ME . What and if I give you anything is AT MY discretion. Do you understand”
 
 
“Yes Sir”
 
 
you lead her to your chamber. Your master bedroom. You have her crawl behind you.
 
“Whenever you are here you are to be on your knees, or all fours. “
 
“yes, Sir”
 
You proceed to get into your bed. your bed is a soft respite and glorious.
 
 
“Don’t get comfortable. You won’t be in this bed much, bitch” “I want to be in my bed, and I don’t need to explain Myself ever. I’m simply informing you to not get used to any amenities”
 
“Now lick my ass , cunt”
 
 
She proceeds to worship Your ass. You lie in the bed with your legs open.
 
She is soft and wet. She is not very good.
 
“Slut, you are lacking.”
 
“get up, NOW”
 
You remove the whip from the armoire. 
 
 
“Stand with your arms on the back of your head, bitch”
 
She stands . She does not move.
 
You begin to whip her entire body, focusing on her cunt , her ass, her thighs, her tits and nipples. you draw some blood. You continue to use the whip on her . She remains still.
 
“Still unbreakable, are we?”
 
“Really? still so stoic? 
 
 
"I am far from through with you tonight. Consider that your greeting, bitch.”
 
You lead her to a small cage. You proceed to lock her inside the cage. She must remain in a small ball. She is small enough for the small cage.
 
You chain her pussy rings to the cage.
“Just in case you were beginning to THINK about touching yourself”
 
You chain her arms and legs to the cage as well.
 
“You won’t be going anywhere. I remember you being able to escape. These locks are heavy duty. You won’t be going anywhere. “
 
You leave her in the dark. 

-excerpt, Chapter 1 'The Greeting' from my novel (copyrighted)
No, Did I tell you to get up”?
 
“No, Sir”
 
You throw her down to the floor just hard enough without injuring her. A few bruises to wear.
 
You have her on her stomach. On top of her,  pulling her hair,you say to her into her ear:
 
“You will learn how to listen and obey. Do you understand me?” “Do you understand Me”
“answer, bitch”
 
“….Yes Sir, i will listen and obey. i promise. i won’t do anything else but listen and obey” 
 
“good. i think we are beginning to understand one another”
 
“you still have a round ass. Agent Provocateur stockings. What a slut. You are losing all of these articles of clothing. Say goodbye.”
 
You grab a straight razor nearby. you proceed to cut the few articles of lingerie off of her. 
“Stay still or it will be your skin, bitch”
 
“I forgot, you are such a slut you would like that”
 
awww! silence order from my Dom!!!! :((((
But now it's gone
It doesn't matter what for
When you build your house
Then call me home
plz respect Owned Property: Yes i am "stil  owned" thats RUDE to pester me. And NO i am not leaving my Master for you!
i am my Master's Property. those who Own things, subs, places take pride in what they Own
it made my day to be able to greet HWSBN


 Tim DiGravina argues that while depressed characters were a regular feature in Morrissey's work, his lyrics on "There Is a Light" "ups the sad-and-doomed quotient by leaps and bounds."[5]

 Goddard argues in his book Songs That Saved Your Life

 that the basic narrative story is similar to that of the James Dean

 film Rebel Without a Cause

, in which Dean—an idol of Morrissey's—leaves his tortuous home life, being the passenger to a potential romantic partner. In fact, a line from that movie ("It is not my home") is quoted in the song. According to Goddard, an earlier version lacked some of the finished version's ambiguity, culminating in the line "There is a light 
in your eyes and it never goes out".[6]



And if a double-decker bus crashes into usTo die by your side is such a heavenly way to dieAnd if a ten-tonne truck kills the both of usTo die by your side, well, the pleasure, the privilege is mine




https://youtu.be/9JntzkszLX8
38 minutes in 

https://youtu.be/Sw3GIR70HAY
https://youtu.be/uAB3xtZQank

"i dont give a SHIT about your world"

"i dont like your aura"

my aura

yeah

....
sums up how i feel 

https://youtu.be/uAB3xtZQank
get in....

https://youtu.be/j184FPzAzeE


:::: ::::
https://youtu.be/Qaa5rK5zN2k


i must remember my place: i am my Master's Owned Property. i am in chastity, and relegated to work detail

i must be obedient
cant get rest because people blare music. much different than my old area
:(((
She said, 'I'm home on shore leave,' though in truth we were at sea so I took her by the looking glass and forced her to agree saying, 'You must be the mermaid who took Neptune for a ride.' But she smiled at me so sadly that my anger straightway died If music be the food of love then laughter is its queen and likewise if behind is in front then dirt in truth is clean My mouth by then like cardboard seemed to slip straight through my head So we crash-dived straightway quickly and attacked the ocean bed.

LOVE: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=075YC2aPuEA

the 'lost' verse of 'Whiter Shade of Pale' , which happens to be my favorite

"She was no longer free? Yes! thank God, she was no longer free. But she was light, a nymph on clouds, a fish in water, lost in happiness.”  -Pauline Reage

 

“Her freedom was worse than any chains.” 
― Pauline Réage

Story of O: A Novel

 
“Whatever he wanted of her she wanted too, solely because he was asking it of her.”
She considered herself fortunate to count enough in his eyes for him to derive pleasure from offending her, as believers give thanks to God for humbling them .-Pauline Reage

When down her weedy trophies and herself
Fell in the weeping brook. Her clothes spread wide, 
And, mermaid-like awhile they bore her up, 
Which time she chanted snatches of old lauds, 
As one incapable of her own distress
Or like a creature native and endued
Unto that element. But long it could not be
Till that her garments, heavy with their drink, 
Pull'd the poor wretch from her melodious lay
To muddy death.
 (4.7.199-208)
i dont want a day off next week b/c when i have a day off its depressing


https://youtu.be/GnqZiMiXOWw 
Coach Operator Vs Bus Driver
https://youtu.be/l5AP33ygcKY


wonder why i like big things in small packages

THIS 

https://youtu.be/F9vttbubuHM
https://youtu.be/F9vttbubuHM

always has stunned me

my body resembles hers
always liked baryshnikov over nureyev
he inspired me to learn pointe eons ago lol
https://youtu.be/PgPthI5Rbkw

and factoid: my very first bf was a splitting image of him, even heightwise lol
https://youtu.be/PvX_cr8Co2Q
wow https://youtu.be/v3d7VZSydcU
lol- funny how when she sings 'i'm getting older,too' he looks at her and grins lol
https://youtu.be/1sQ7cuYgjzw
https://youtu.be/Xn4ozPvSkhw

i love playing this on the piano

however, i keep a more consistent timing

some cannot sing and play as well as they are able to do just one thing at a time
https://youtu.be/4dSJQdDqv0s

although she plays like a terrible student, she can still sing

ive played and sang this hundreds of times
UMLOVEEEEEEEE
https://youtu.be/nwrJPEUi0nA
https://youtu.be/lDVM4RBNBhQ

angelic
driving to carbon county the other day was nice, except for the parking lot that is/was I80

i have cute photos of little me in a HUGE chair meant for taking photos
she's got a secret garden


she let you in her house
you come knocing late at night

she'll let you in her mouth
if the words you say are right

if you pay the price
she'll let you deep inside

there a secret garden she hides

she let you in her car
to go driving around
she'll let you into the part of hserelf
that will bring you down

she let you in her heart
if you got to have her advice

to the secret garden dont think twice

youve gone a million miles
far to give
that place that you cant remember
and you cant forget


-Jerry maguire bruce springsteen
i have absolutely no interest in men

1:23 pm begins the eclipse. 
we will allremember where we wer ....


i wish i could serve my Dom
all i do is work :(
i wish i had someone to watch the eclipse with


i wish i could gift this to my Dom http://www.prevost-stuff.com/2017PrevostMillenniumH_Millennium10115.html
messages that say "hi" deserve no response
every time i think of my friend (RIP) this was the last text he sent to me... https://youtu.be/wqSMymIAbYw

the chorus....

his wife threw him out and kept his kid away from him

RIP


so my ex has a gf. good for him. 
there will be lines upon my face

rom a lifetime of smiles (THAT JUVEDERM KEEPS FILLED)
You're my peace of mind
in this crazy world
You're everything i've tried to find
Your love is a pearl

Your my Mona Lisa
You're my raindbow skies
and my only prayer
is that You realize

you'll ALWAYS be beautiful 

in my eyes

the world will turn

and the seasons will change


and all the lesson we will learn

will be beautiful and strange!

we'll have our fill of tears

our share of sighs

my only prayer

is that You realize

YOULL ALWAYS BE BEAUTIFUL IN MY EYES

YOU WILL ALWAYS BE

beautiful in my eyes

AND THE PASSING YEARS WILL SHOW! THAT YOU WILL ALWAYS GROW EVERY MORE BEAUTIFUL IN MY EYES
The world will turn
And the seasons will change
And all the lessons we will learn
Will be beautiful and strange
We'll have our fill of tears
Our share of sighs
My only prayer is that you realize...
You'll always be beautiful in my eyes
You will always be
Beautiful in my eyes
And the passing years will show
That you will always grow
Ever more beautiful in my eyes
And there are lines upon my face
From a lifetime of smiles
When the time comes to embrace
For one long last while
We can laugh about
How time really flies
We won't say good-bye
Cause' true love never dies...
You'll always be beautiful in my eyes
my first ex (whom we had stictly bdsm ) and i was domme....was turning 40 in 1998. he felt the same way i do now. we had to get him back in the service before 40. anyway, he told me one day you will wake up and be 40 years old

thats just about now


my 2nd ex would be 62 years old now
recently was trying to see if an ex of mine (my 2nd bf) was on the planet/where/ect. found he was promoted https://issuu.com/nynationalguard/docs/gt_mayjun04/23
anyway
last time i briefly spoke to him ages ago he was not in that well of health.....
i hope that i might see the eclipse as my Dom's chore girl!
must rest now.... um back tomorrow.

https://youtu.be/VsOPVCK745I  to my ex

asshole
https://youtu.be/uGam9Z6PSWk

yep

i am doing the same , figuratively
people hit on me at red lights
they see a tiny strong gal driving

i am not interested, nor will i ever be
I'm writing this to say 
in a gentle way 
Thank You - but no 
I will live my life as I 
will undoubtedly die - alone 
learning every nuance of their Owner's character
learning every nuance of their owner's character, to that they can more completely and seamlessly offer themselves at the right  time and in the right manner. A true slave, the one who will be cherished and valued, will never allow their skills and talents to become stagnant. They will never be satisfied with their own level of competence. And they will always be willing to follow their owner's lead, quickly, respectfully, and to the best of their ability. 
I'm writing this to say 
in a gentle way 
Thank You - but no 
I will live my life as I 
will undoubtedly die - alone 
I'm writing this to say 
in a gentle way 
Thank you... 
I will live my life as I... 
for whether you stay 
or you stray 
an inbuilt guilt catches up with you 
and as it comes around to your place 
at 5 a.m. it wakes you up 
and it laughs in your face
i was never attracted to him anyway. tall, fat and hideous.
my ex is someone else's best find now. thank god. however, it doesn't stop him from being an absolute horror. i am just so glad to be done with him. meanwhile. i am thinking about my birthday and how for the first time in many years, i might have reason to be happy about my birthday.
some people in life haven't a conscience. my ex chose his life when he chose to abuse me 13 years ago. when he took me for granted. i am just glad the one person's trash is another's treasure
and he thinks he upgraded? LOL! delusional. he is already trying to breed her. a sucker born every minute.
as the saying goes: let them hang themselves on their own rope (figuratively)
my Dom deserves the best. i must continually strive to be better, than my best. to say that i only wish to serve Him within every improvement, and part of my being. i exist. i am owned.


i like how my Dom enjoys teasing His chaste sub. i can only hope that i will be deemed obedient enough to serve Him as chore girl soon.

i have butterflies..... ;)
follow me
https://twitter.com/subOphelia
https://youtu.be/oeN-jDGQlpQ

come back so we can be young again

sadly leo looks like my ex
:(

splitting image

this movie was great
https://youtu.be/qN4ooNx77u0

true true

dem eyez
i was a child this movie was new

https://youtu.be/PgPthI5Rbkw

i loved Misha. 

i also danced 

my first bf looked exactly splitting image of him
and he was from brooklyn

but i wasnt with my first bf long. 

nothing like a short man who can pointe

i always dreamt of dancing with misha

2:26 adorable

dam
https://youtu.be/GryxQEhYRr4

#1 and #4 :))
https://youtu.be/gBMUVHwW2UI
i wake up each day grateful.
i know my place
i go to work with a smile on my face
https://youtu.be/Y9oUtqVK7eI

You could have told me 
At the right time 
You could have introduced me proudly 
Never need to have to kiss me 
Never need to ever touch me 
But
You should have been nice to me 
You should have been nice to me 
It would have been so easy

And on the moments 
When I was down 
You could have been there 
You could have been where 
You could have once just spoke in favour 
You'd never need to ever touch me 
But

You should have been nice to me 
You should have been nice to me 
It wouldn't cost you money

And on the moments 
When I fell down 
Not for you to say 'oh I told you so' 
You could have waited 
You could have waited 
You could have waited

-to my ex. (morrissey lyrics)
https://images.upvenue.com/pics/bands/morrissey-1360.jpg
http://james-mcwilliams.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/02/morrissey_-_2005_-_perou.jpg

Beautiful, model-like lady Happily Owned by Master seeking
Submissive {MS}

Beautiful , obedient submissive female ISO Bisexual sub/slave girl .

I'm seeking a submissive girl, or even a Switchable gal for a possible live-in opportunity.
I love women and find beauty in Female Dominance but wish for a Mistress who will of course train me to be a more obedient slave for my Owner. (fetlife,right?)

i have been in the lifestyle for over 18 years.

i am separated (divorce takes awhile) a. i believe that my marriage did have it's point in life and taught me a real lot and what i needed in an important karmic lesson. i believe that many aspects in our lives are for our well being, karmic lessons and what-have-you

i am also an empath.

Thank you

More about me:

I
Owned,Tall, model-like , fit girl seeks
Bisexual girl. 
I prefer lifestyle BDSMmers who are aware of WHAT a M/s dynamic is AND is NOT. i will never disrespect my sub/bottom/slave/gf

 
Stevie Nicks singing 'Sara' live in 1982 was the absolute best performace of the song

the remastered version.

abslutely amazing
https://youtu.be/LHCob76kigA

once i was 20/21 yrs old. 
three minutes in is fucking hot

https://youtu.be/qN4ooNx77u0
HELLO this got my attenSHUN

https://youtu.be/qN4ooNx77u0
https://youtu.be/qN4ooNx77u0

that coat

dem eyez

and short light haired guys flying in the air: priceless
i'm still the same, underneath

https://youtu.be/JTSk7W4LAfA


...i cannot reach you, i cannot reach you anymore

can you please stop time.

can you stop this pain

i feel too cold

and now i feel too old again

can you stop this pain

can you stop this pain

even now in the final hour, of my life, i'm falling in love.........
again...
again.
even now, in the final hour of my life, i'm falling in love, again
again
again
again
again!

i am in love again
again
again



https://youtu.be/NUvM6NpALEQ  been a fan all my life
focusing on my orders to behave and work . i miss my Dom
I would rather not go
back to the old house
I would rather not go
back to the old house
there's too many
bad memories
too many memories

When you cycled by
here began all my dreams
the saddest thing I've ever seen
and you never knew
how much I really liked you
because I never even told you
oh, but I meant to

Are you still there?
or have you moved away?
or have you moved away?

I would love to go
back to the old house
but I never will
I never will
I never will
I never will


Upside down and inside out and on all eights
You're like a funnel-web
Like a black fly on the ceiling
Skinny, white haunches high in the sky
And a black oily gash crawling backwards across the carpet to smash all over everything
Wet, black fur against the sun going down
Over the shops and the cars and the crowds in the town
And this is the moment, this is exactly where she is born to be
Now this is what she does and this is what she is
And this is the moment, this is exactly where she is born to be
This is what she does and this is what she is
Her eyes that look at me through a rainy hair
Two round holes where the air buckles and rushes in
Her body, moon blue, was a jellyfish
And I'm breathing deep and I'm there and I'm also not there
And spurting ink over the sheets but she remains, completely unexplained
Or maybe I'm just too tongue-tied to drink it up and swallow back the pain
I thought slavery had been abolished
How come it's gone and reared its ugly head again?
And this is the moment, this is exactly what she is born to be
And this is what she does and this is what she is
And this is the moment, this is exactly what she is born to be
This is what she is and this is what she does
And this is the moment, this is exactly what she is born to be
And this is what she does and this is what she is
And this is the moment, this is exactly what she is born to be
Then this is what she does and this is what she is
And now she's jumping up with her leaping brain
Stepping over heaps of sleeping children
Disappearing and further up and spinning out again
Up and further up she goes, up and out of the bed
Up and out of the bed and down the hall where she stops for moment and turns and says
"Are you still here?"
And then reaches high and dangles herself like a child's dream from the rings of Saturn
TMB's performance from 1984 at Wembley of Nights in White Satin is one of the absolute best performances of the song

Certainly better than when I was at boarding school and they were with the Boston pops
Ride, ride my see-saw,
Take this place
On this trip
Just for me.

Ride, take a free ride,
Take my place
Have my seat
It's for free.

I worked like a slave for years,
Sweat so hard just to end my fears.
Not to end my life a poor man,
But by now, I know I should have run.

Run, run my last race,
Take my place
Have this number
Of mine.

Run, run like a fire,
Don't you run in
In the lanes
Run for time.

Left school with a first class pass,
Started work but as second class.
School taught one and one is two.
But right now, that answer just ain't true.

Ah ah ah ah, ah ah ah ah, ah ah ah ah ah
Ah ah ah ah, ah ah ah ah, ah ah ah ah ah

My world is spinning around,
Everything is lost that I found.
People run, come ride with me,
Let's find another place that's free.

Ride, ride my see-saw,
Take this place
On this trip
Just for me.

Ride, take a free ride,
Take my place
Have my seat
It's for free.

Ride, my see-saw.
Ride, ride, ride, my see-saw.
Ride, my see-saw...
i worked a long day. finally in. i managed to survive on my last dollar. thank goodness its payday.
i exist to serve my Dom.
i was born to serve my Dom

i have been punished most of the year.
my post the other day was during PMS
i would NEVER
(and it SICKENS ME) , 
EVER DISOBEY MY DOM EVER
i would never do anything without permission
(I do NOT have permission to write )
atigue is hitting me hard
im in the prime of my life


cant take it no more

I NEED TO GET LAID
"something she has to do" from the Hours, by Phillip Glass....I LOVE PHILLIP GLASS, is my mood right now.

being a composer (i have hours of compositions) i can relate. Phillip began as a driver, a cab driver. 

then he decided to share his compsotions.
bored

Giving up everything, my hungry ghost of hopefulness. Giving up everything, not haunted by wanting this. Giving up everything, the fortune I was saving. Giving up everything, I mercy-killed my craving. Giving up everything, I’ve opened up my eyes for this. Giving up everything, see the whole magnificent emptiness. Gave what I want for how it is, for the stone inside and the bitterness, for the sweetness at the core of it.

Giving up everything, the master plan, the scheming. Giving up everything, my cursed search for meaning. Giving up everything, the compass and the map I was reading. The hinterlands I’m leaving, I’m finally leaving behind.

Giving up everything, the big to-do, the hullabaloo, the tug-of-war for some twisted truth. For the everlasting ache of it, no longer slave, not chained to it, no gate, no guard, no keeper, no guru, master, teacher. See the slow-receding faces dissolve to black, no traces.

-n.  merchat

no july 4th plans but work
tomorrow Wash DC charter
my day off is full of sadness
i am grateful for the silence orders punishment my Dom issued a few days back. it reminded me to keep myself in line.
i love my job. i am grateful for the things in life.
i must never disobey my Dom

i won't ever consider leaving my job

i was having pms and fatigued
my Dom punished me in the most painful way : silence orders

i thought i was going to try and earn a privelege back but

silence

as my own recalcitrance


i dont answer emails or phone calls


disgusted

STOP EMAILING ME ASSHOLES

i dont have time to do anything

go away


https://youtu.be/Qggtp3Ffvwo

Ride, ride my see-saw,
Take this place
On this trip
Just for me.

Ride, take a free ride,
Take my place
Have my seat
It's for free.

I worked like a slave for years,
Sweat so hard just to end my fears.
Not to end my life a poor man,
But by now, I know I should have run.

Run, run my last race,
Take my place
Have this number
Of mine.

Run, run like a fire,
Don't you run in
In the lanes
Run for time.

Left school with a first class pass,
Started work but as second class.
School taught one and one is two.
But right now, that answer just ain't true.

Ah ah ah ah, ah ah ah ah, ah ah ah ah ah
Ah ah ah ah, ah ah ah ah, ah ah ah ah ah

My world is spinning around,
Everything is lost that I found.
People run, come ride with me,
Let's find another place that's free.

Ride, ride my see-saw,
Take this place
On this trip
Just for me.

Ride, take a free ride,
Take my place
Have my seat
It's for free.

Ride, my see-saw.
Ride, ride, ride, my see-saw.
Ride, my see-saw...



i had a nightmare and my Dom was in the nightmare

cuz i made an error thats why i had a bad dream

anyway im tired its all good

on the coach driving Alessia Cara "scars to your beautiful" came on while i was deadheading

yeah its what it is!!! true
to say that i can drive a bus is an understatment. i can dam drive that bus. for years i thought i was never "good enough"

yesterday i realized that i know how to do my job well
must sleep and get rest. 1300 report.
working tonight
working tomorrow day

no time to talk
https://youtu.be/XRBeZGYisLg
i literally had this idea and wrote about it

LO AND BEHOLD they made it a movie

https://youtu.be/dRqSjE0H9io

i had the idea first dammit!
each of my exes
i liked things about

one was an airman and one looked like leonardo de caprio

i learned the lessons i needed to learn

the two things i love remain


my mantra today:

i trust my Dom.
i will be obedient


there is one person i trust with my life. 
emotions are all coming out now after a long work night. as it should. i leave my feeelings at the door but when i get off work....

keep me in your thoughts, friends.


i feel so alone times like this but yet not alone
keep busy and keep  professional

doing my job
https://youtu.be/j184FPzAzeE
keep me in your thoughts and prayers. working night tonight but tomorrow is going to be a day in which i cant begin to desrcibe. i just cant . cant call or email anyone i work a lot.

getting ready for work. working nightshift. listening to songs from 1996 lol
no time to ever talk or be on phone

work
1:23 how i am doing my makeup now lol
http://www.nataliemerchant.com/w/ophelia/ophelia-music-video
1:23 how i am doing my makeup now lol
http://www.nataliemerchant.com/w/ophelia/ophelia-music-video
1:23 how i am doing my makeup now lol
http://www.nataliemerchant.com/w/ophelia/ophelia-music-video
coach test tomorrow

need a clear head.......


A true slave, the one who will be cherished and valued, will never allow their skills and talents to become stagnant. They will never be satisfied with their own level of competence. And they will always be willing to follow their owner's lead, quickly, respectfully, and to the best of their ability.
my Dom accepted a scourge that i had custom made and He had marked me with during reinstatement. it holds a very strong significance imho. i am grateful that He accepted me presenting it to Him. i did not in any way expect it to be used, nor was i was i asking for anything

i am overjoyed that my Owner accepted it and can hope that someday it might be used severely and mercilessly on me


being on my knees, serving my Dom is an honour
serving my Dom runs through my heart,body, mind and soul

i am grateful for the direction, orders, rules and even scolding my Dom administers

it shows where and how i must improve

i exist to serve Sir
https://youtu.be/eVOOlPC2rpI

true true
rest well to drive ;)
LOL

https://youtu.be/zVz5uQeHJyw

it saves people who need it
getting ready for bedtime.

bedtime is 10:00.
i remember on the way to Dover Base with my first ex. listened to the whole double cassette of Morrison

we arrived late night time. 

i remember the way back zappa played the whole time on the double cassette

"Angels And Sailors"


Angels and sailors
Rich girls
Backyard fences
Tents

Dreams watching each other narrowly
Soft luxuriant cars
Girls in garages, stripped
Out to get liquor and clothes
Half gallons of wine and six-packs of beer
Jumped, humped, born to suffer
Made to undress in the wilderness.

I will never treat you mean
Never start no kind of scene
I'll tell you every place and person that I've been.

Always a playground instructor, never a killer
Always a bridesmaid on the verge of fame or over
He manouvered two girls into his hotel room
One a friend, the other, the young one, a newer stranger
Vaguely Mexican or Puerto Rican
Poor boys thighs and buttock scarred by a father's belt
She's trying to rie
Story of her boyfriend, of teenage stoned death games
Handsome lad, dead in a car
Confusion
No connections
Come 'ere
I love you
Peace on earth
Will you die for me?
Eat me
This way
The end

I'll always be true
Never go out, sneaking out on you, babe
If you'll only show me Far Arden again.

I'm surprised you could get it up
He whips her lightly, sardonically, with belt
Haven't I been through enough? she asks
Now dressed and leaving
The Spanish girl begins to bleed
She says her period
It's Catholic heaven
I have an ancient Indian crucifix around my neck
My chest is hard and brown
Lying on stained, wretched sheets with a bleeding virgin
We could plan a murder
Or start a religion.

Wow, I'm sick of doubt
Live in the light of certain
South
Cruel bindings
The servants have the power
Dog-men and their mean women
Pulling poor blankets over
Our sailors

I'm sick of dour faces
Staring at me from the TV Tower

I want roses in
My garden bower; dig?
Royal babies, rubies
Must now replace aborted
Strangers in the mud
These mutants, blood-meal
For the plant that's plowed

They are waiting to take us into
The severed garden
Do you know how pale and wanton thrillful
Comes death on a stranger hour
Unannounced, unplanned for
Like a scaring over-friendly guest you've
Brought to bed

Death makes angels of us all
And gives us wings
Where we had shoulders
Smooth as raven's claws

No more money, no more fancy dress
This other Kingdom seems by far the best
Until its other jaw reveals incest
And loose obedience to a vegetable law

I will not go
Prefer a Feast of Friends
To the Giant family


loved this particular song of his since i was very very young.
being a composer and musician i only appreciate it more

is that the elvator skirt?

why yes indeed, it is the elevator skirt


may i assist you with your luggagae?

i cant wait to ask that next week
when i play Sia's 'Breathe Me' on piano I tend to slow the time in half like she does

it's much more enjoyable to slow the tempo down


"i've been here many times before"...
back to baggage bays!!! my heart is on coaches
practiced Bird Set Free

dam do i belt it out if i might say

https://genius.com/Sia-bird-set-free-lyrics

considering playing at one of the 500 pianos set up in the city this month
looking fine
https://youtu.be/isBacOJM7mc

https://youtu.be/KJLqT55fl3Y

you can tell he's ill
i am grateful with joy at orders my Dom gives me.
even orders (most orders i don't see my Dom)
but i am happy that i obey my orders, ESPECIALLY when my Dom isn't present to see.

the loyalty, obedience and trust i have for my Dom are unlike any other individual and i am grateful


can't finish editing the short story i wrote about 15 years ago! :P

"Did you know that you are my most prized possession? Your tears belong to only me."

-From one of my first short stories.



https://youtu.be/iqMrHJQXr9g :)


https://youtu.be/5gfNaeQ8NOk
and with that....

https://youtu.be/lDVM4RBNBhQ

Take Me Out Tonight

Where there's Music and There's People



...and if a double Decker Bus
Crashes into Us

To Die By Your Side
Is such a heavenly way to die

And if a 10 ten truck

Kills the both of Us
To Die By your side

well the pleasure
the privelege
is mine



LOVED this movie, too

Bill Paxton was amazing, too

https://youtu.be/eURy8NskhGM

oh the blonde was a Dom in other movies, too. what the heck is his name. i like him a lot

the best line of the movie: gentlemen, it's been a privelege flying with you

i happened to watch this movie for the first time when i was dating an airman
"there is a moment"

https://youtu.be/a3lcGnMhvsA

loved this movie. 

"its not possible"

"no, it's necessary"


-right on!

https://youtu.be/ECjYsWLgy3I

"nobody believed me, but I knew you'd come back."

"she's out there
setting up camp
Alone
in a strange galaxy
and right now she's settling in for the long nap
by the light of our new sun
in her new home




Zimmer's obviously been inspired by Phillip Glass


https://youtu.be/7B4ieRgp9Rk
nice little video of his evolving classic look

https://youtu.be/oalRNGeuZFo

dem eyez
Saturn in retrograde certainly hasn't helped my behavior, or the fact that i've upset my Dom

Vedic charting is fun and entertaining, but general enough to be informative!
UPSETTING MY DOM HURTS ME FOR A VERY LONG TIME AFTERWARD
I CAN ONLY FEEL THE SADNESS

FOR A LONG TIME OF UPSETTING OR DISAPPOINTING MY DOM

i remember when my waters broke. i was in bed. i awakened because i didn't want to ruin my bed. i quickly scurried out of bed and it went all over my bedroom floor

no pain. nada

12 hours later i was complete and in my hospital room

sometimes i miss the silly waddling days of pregnancy
https://youtu.be/JDmv0VAfcWc


https://youtu.be/TXF3QcMP40c

i can relate. to the male character.
"we've been trying. both of us for a long time. since the begining. we're just different, that's all"

"I'M NOT GONNA FIGHT.
I AM SO TIRED OF FIGHTING"....

-Amen


have fun all

i'm done
Life is a pigsty
my new home gives me writing inspitation. it reminds me of the chateau in Story of O
each room has a number, and very high ceilings. the paint is nice. the lighting is recessed.
over the bed is a recessed, defined area. there is a corner for discipline

approaching the top of the stairs is a small coffee table with a note and candy on it. there is a skylight in the hall allowing in the natural light

it is serene

as my imagination begins to drift, i cannot help but think...
i hope that i will be considered worthy to serve my Dom




https://youtu.be/QE6OPlZLwbs

Water would also represent death given the fact that as he falls asleep, the birds on the TV ,which is portrayed throughout previous episodes and represent an omen of death, fly into the water as if showing the way Nate is going to end. Also, Lisa died in the ocean and when Nate was looking for her on the beach he was in a transient state of grief as he felt he was neither living or dead (the ecotone); but embraces death willingly in his dream. I figured land represents life because them travelling in the van represents how lost Nate was in life as quoted by Nate Sr.


If you think back to the first episode and go until this very episode, he gradually became more and more miserable. The free spirit became trapped. His true calling in life was something he tried escaping his entire life (death), having Maya, trying so hard with Lisa and when he comes to a moment of peace with her she is ripped from his life, the suicide in front of him, and then the unhappiness with Brenda as a result. To me Nate had undiagnosed PTSD and depression and the saddest part about this scene for me is that it felt like Nate was liberated. As much as I loved Nate, I think he was finally free. This show was always the final five years of Nate Fisher through the eyes of Nate himself and his closest friends and family. One of the most beautiful and amazing shows ever made and many to this day don't hold a candle to it.

-youtube
https://youtu.be/-MFSbHS9QEc

as new doors open i made 3 new girl friends. 

the two things that remain how i feel about them:

-driving buses
-my Dom

i will drive till i am unable to . until my vertigo and cyst is bad enough to render OOS
i drifted off to slumbler last night thinking of my Dom striking me with a cane with all of His might. 
No warmup
Begging for His mercy and forgiveness
For ever being disobedient , ever.
seeing live aid as a child was one of the best times of my life

https://youtu.be/YoDh_gHDvkk

seeing THIS. 

in 1985 i also knew how to play this song on the piano and sing all parts .

loved it in the 80s. was a big freddie mercury fan. bowie  was a bigger favorite along with Morrissey
i'd like to find the sheet music of this improvised/embellished version of a favorite song of mine to play

i like the key change,too

https://youtu.be/THz5x0dS5fc


?Keep me rather in this cage and feed me sparingly, if you dare. Anything that brings me closer to illness and the edge of death make me more faithful. it is only when you make me suffer that i feel safe and secure. You should never have agreed to be a god for me if you were afraid to assume the duties of a god. You have already seen me cry. Now you must learn to relish my tears.? -Pauline Reage
i believe there is no end to our souls

https://youtu.be/7OdUBvB3Ots
why worship an invisible god

when there is a living god for each slave

why

when the flesh is in the here and now

just as a nun is in chastity


no exucse

no excuse to be fat

no fucking excuse

no excuse to be lazy

women

no excuse

be lucky if a Dom accepts your mistakes taking the TIME

THE EFFORT

to correct your asses

because that is fucking love

to care enough to correct and deprive

to care enough to punish

to care enough to not give a fuck

to care enough to hurt you
i think every man should complete west point or a similar training. 
women reform school

i  wennt to fucking reform school

i will sit and say i know how to fucking clean

i know what the hell flies and doesnt

and my nearly 40 years on this planet

i am grateful

however will i ever know what the hell its like some of the people out there and who have to thank memorial day endured

well sit in your comfy chairs and safe spaces

no!

get off your asses and work!

work! 
work is gratifying
DAMMIT

now realizing Toccatta 11 would be appropriate for the scene of the short story i am editing

grrrr
I've had to interrupt/take a break from editing due to the arousal

however, 

Prokofiev Op. 11 Toccatta certainly distracts me

Not only being a pianist, it certainly helps me focus on my editing . 

i won't break my chasitity now!


Alabama's song "40 hour work week for a living" has always been a favorite song of mine. being blue collar I can so relate
It is disillusioning for these people to realize that masters and mistresses do not often feel constrained to conduct their affairs in gleaming black leather or latex, complete with jack boots or stiletto heels. Their faces fall in disappointment when they are made to understand that 
a slave's life is mostly comprised of patience and study.  Yes, study. If not before actual books, then following the example of greater, senior slaves. Or learning every nuance of their owner's character, to that they can more completely and seamlessly offer themselves at the right  time and in the right manner. A true slave, the one who will be cherished and valued, will never allow their skills and talents to become stagnant. They will never be satisfied with their own level of competence. And they will always be willing to follow their owner's lead, quickly, respectfully, and to the best of their ability. To be thrilled at the touch of leather, aroused by the sound of harsh words, or satisfied by the security of rigid bondage is the mark of  a lover. To be thrilled at the opportunity to provide useful service, aroused by a pleased nod, or satisfied by  the proverbial job well done is the mark of a slave. '
Every story, song... Has truth to it
The best writing is only through the worst of times
Is it not?
headed to work. Obedience, ownership, gratitude run through my veins and through my mind , body and spirit.
each day and hour of chastity, and punishment correct me.
Many aficionados of the scene imagine that being trained to be a slave is a journey through a magically erotic kingdom. They envision an endless stream of sensual stimulation ranging from the most common sexual encounters to prolonged sessions of agonizing torture. With all the participant suitably costumed of course. It is disillusioning for these people to realize that masters and mistresses do not often feel constrained to conduct their affairs in gleaming black leather or latex, complete with jack boots or stiletto heels. Their faces fall in disappointment when they are made to understand that 
a slave's life is mostly comprised of patience and study.  Yes, study. If not before actual books, then following the example of greater, senior slaves. Or learning every nuance of their owner's character, to that they can more completely and seamlessly offer themselves at the right  time and in the right manner. A true slave, the one who will be cherished and valued, will never allow their skills and talents to become stagnant. They will never be satisfied with their own level of competence. And they will always be willing to follow their owner's lead, quickly, respectfully, and to the best of their ability. To be thrilled at the touch of leather, aroused by the sound of harsh words, or satisfied by the security of rigid bondage is the mark of  a lover. To be thrilled at the opportunity to provide useful service, aroused by a pleased nod, or satisfied by  the proverbial job well done is the mark of a slave. ' 

i live to please my Dom

i finished at work very quickly the other day! i was excited. :)

to be relegated to service, chores only.
to be disallowed to please my Dom orally.

i can only hope that one day i might gain back a privelege. and even if not so, i will be grateful to serve.
and be owned.
Many aficionados of the scene imagine that being trained to be a slave is a journey through a magically erotic kingdom. They envision an endless stream of sensual stimulation ranging from the most common sexual encounters to prolonged sessions of agonizing torture. With all the participant suitably costumed of course. It is disillusioning for these people to realize that masters and mistresses do not often feel constrained to conduct their affairs in gleaming black leather or latex, complete with jack boots or stiletto heels. Their faces fall in disappointment when they are made to understand that 
a slave's life is mostly comprised of patience and study.  Yes, study. If not before actual books, then following the example of greater, senior slaves. Or learning every nuance of their owner's character, to that they can more completely and seamlessly offer themselves at the right  time and in the right manner. A true slave, the one who will be cherished and valued, will never allow their skills and talents to become stagnant. They will never be satisfied with their own level of competence. And they will always be willing to follow their owner's lead, quickly, respectfully, and to the best of their ability. To be thrilled at the touch of leather, aroused by the sound of harsh words, or satisfied by the security of rigid bondage is the mark of  a lover. To be thrilled at the opportunity to provide useful service, aroused by a pleased nod, or satisfied by  the proverbial job well done is the mark of a slave. ' 
http://submissiveophelia.cuties-sites.com/#/profile
i am grateful to serve my Dom
i am grateful to still be in chastity

maybe sometime i will be unlocked and used again

i am grateful to do chores for my Dom

i miss my Dom when i do not get to serve, and wish i could write more
i hope that i am deemed worthy to serve as a chore girl in chastity this weekend

If the objects who serve us feel ecstacy,
they are much more often concerned with themselves than with us, and our own enjoyment is consequently impaired. The idea of seeing another person experience the
same pleasure reduces one to a kind of equality which spoils the unutterable charms that come from despotism.
-Sade
from my archived website:

https://web.archive.org/web/20031226121055/http://www.submissiveophelia.com:80/OpheliaHistory.html
today is what i call "height day"
one of my favorite heights 5'10
the limit of what i am attracted to!!!

5 10 day YAY
i am grateful for my standing orders.
i am grateful for being Owned by a merciful, yet cruel Dom
i am grateful for learning each day


each day i wake up. chastity.
grateful to be Owned

To say that i humbly and happily await orders is an understatment.

i want to please my Dom in every way

i want to make my Dom happy as a Dom and for Him to be happy with the excellent training and standards He holds, and holds me to.

i am heartbroken when i disobey
things are finally calming down in life (improving)
i am cooled out, less chatty and focusing on obedience 
(first thing i do while nervous: chatterbox)

today  is a very busy day

i miss serving my Dom...
please respect my silence order.
this means that i am silent until it is deemed otherwise!

:)
This pain will enforce upon you the
idea that you are subject to constraint and to teach
you that you belong completely to something which is
apart from and outside yourself.When you leave here,you
will be wearing an iron ring on your third finger,by
which others will recognize you.You will by then have
learned to obey those who wear the same token-upon seeing
it,they will know that you are constantly naked beneath
your skirt,however comely or ordinary your dress,and
that htis nudity is for them.Anyone who finds you
uncooperative will birng you back here. 

-Pauline Reage, Story of O


A Real Dominant

 

   In contrast to the possibly "negative" view of a potential new Dominant above, I offer the following as what I consider to be fundamental characteristics of a Dominant. It is important to remember that
the characteristics of the Dominant are based in, and created by the characteristics of the man.

   A Dominant is One who has the understanding that He is not perfect nope,
sorry fellas.

   A Dominant has taken the time to accept His flaws as an individual, has come to terms with them, and determined how best to control and deal with them effectively.

   A Dominant has come to realize the "proof" of His Dominance does not come from the person who calls Him "Master",or “Sir” but rather from within Himself, by evidence of His personality, His ethics, standards and values, combined with His particular needs within this
spectrum.

   A Dominant has realized that He has the responsibility to Himself to inform Himself as thoroughly as possible regarding the wide range aspects of the BDSM spectrum. He will have taken the time to consider for Himself what His own needs are within each aspect and will be fully capable of clearly articulating those needs to a potential submissive.

   Life experience will have taught Him the importance of trust and respect in any relationship, and He will have come to
realize that a woman will only be able to submit to a man with character, making Him worthy of her trust and respect.

   A Dominant man will understand and accept that before expecting a submissive togive over control of herself and her life, He must first have complete control over Himself, and His life.

 

from one of my writing's in 2002:

"This is the most emotionally charged part of your being—your vulnerable bad-girl , behind—the one part of you that remains forever young. "
today i am presentable.  shaved, all presentable. and make up that my Sir would find presentable. dressed and perfect. i have free tribute for my Dom including something that i had in my armoire which i know He will question if i spent money, but it has been in my armoire.smiles
i can only hope that i might be unlocked after nearly 3 months.

grateful,
o
the apparent difference between being naughty/cheeky and willingly disobeying and order is clear.
there no longer is a line between my obedience and thought


I find pleasure, joy, and fulfillment from being submissive to another in a loving relationship.
I am not weak, or stupid. I am a strong woman, with firm views and a clear concept of what I want out of my life.
I do not serve out of shame or weakness, but out of pride and strength.
I look to my loving Master for guidance and protection, for never am I more complete than when he is with me.
I know that he will protect my body, my mind, and my soul with his strength and wisdom.
He is everything to me, as I am everything to him. His touch awakens me and his thoughts free me.
Only in serving him do I find complete freedom and joy.

His punishments are harsh, but I accept them thankfully, knowing that he has my best interests always foremost in his mind.
If he desires my body for pleasure, I shall joyfully give it to him, and take pleasure myself from knowing that I have brought him happiness.
However, the pleasure of the flesh is but one facet of any relationship.
The love, the trust and sharing, the words spoken and felt, those are all parts of this relationship.

My body is his, and if he says I am beautiful, then I am.
No matter what I look like to others, I am beautiful in his eyes, and because of that I hold my head high... ..
for who can tell me that my Master is wrong in seeing the beauty in me?
If he says I am his princess, then I am that...regal and graceful.
And if I see laughter at me in the eyes of others, I do not recognize it, for who are they to call my Master wrong?

If he says I am his toy, his slut, his tramp, then I am that...as wanton and dirty as he wants me to be, and if others do not see this, then it is they who are blind, not my Master.
My mind is his, to expand, to explore, to know as only he can. I have no secrets from him...for secrets are a thing that would keep me from being more perfectly his.
Secrets would put a wall up between my Master and myself...and I do not want walls.

soHis lessons are not always ones I would seek on my own, but they are lessons he has decided I need, and so I learn from him.
My soul is his, as bare to his touch as ever my skin could be when I kneel naked at his feet.
Never a moment goes by when I do not feel his presence, be he miles away or standing over me.
If I were to ever displease him, his displeasure would be a blow to my soul, worse punishment than any lashes could be.
The anguish of my soul that I feel when I disappoint him is harder to bear than the physical anguish I feel when his belt caresses me with fire.
I spend my days knowing that the energy and thought he puts into our relationship is as much for my benefit as for his, and look forward to each lovingly crafted scene that we do together.

soHis part is much harder than mine, and I know this and am grateful that he cares enough about me to spend his time and energy so freely on me.
I have the easier job: to feel, to experience, to let myself go and abandon everything to him.
I am his pleasure and his responsibility, and he takes both seriously. I am a submissive woman. I am proud to call myself that.
My submission is a gift that I do not give lightly, and can only be given to one who can appreciate that gift and return it tenfold.

Only to he who has that strength will I give myself fully, because I am strong and proud.

I am a submissive woman.

i won't ever go against my Dom
an order is an order
unless the world were to end that order is an order

there is a distinct difference between being "CHEEKY" "naughty" "SAMmish" and DISOBEYING INTENTLY WITHOUT RGEARD TO THE DOM'S ORDER~!

My Master has been MERCIFUL and I am forever indebted to Him 
in seeing me at my toughest/worst
and seeing the potential in my service

now here is an example i will share:

my Sir orders an order. Go home. or No eating cake.

Now, i obey that order

Now, my Sir might order to to serve Him orally . with clothing on and no reward for me. here is an example of being cheeky:
i take a long time to enjoy pleasing my Dom and am "naughty " and slightly playfully disobedient (naughtily thinking i might get punished)

that is an example!
My Name the II II Are brackets. Since I wasn't able to use {  } brackets. OG style ownership . 

Owned slave


I am bio female. My owners initials are in my screen name. thank you
https://youtu.be/-NHq6JWOqi0
Soma:
Euphoric, narcotic, pleasantly hallucinant"—that's what Mustapha says of 
soma. It's arguably the best tool the government has for controlling its population. It sedates, calms, and most importantly distracts a person from realizing that there's actually something very, very wrong—namely, that the citizens of the World State are enslaved. 

John, of course, picks up on this in Chapter 15

; that's why he chucks the stuff out of the window in the name of freedom. This Mel-Gibson-in-The Patriot moment is not so effective,mostly because of the way that soma enslaves its users: happiness. Everyone is trapped by happiness. And those are some tough chains to break.

Another thing to think about here is Mustapha's famous claim that soma is "Christianity without the tears." We get the "without the tears" bit, since a consequence-free high seems to speak for itself, but what does this drug have to do with religion? Well, as we've said, soma is an opiate that allows its users to be controlled. Brave New World seems to argue that Christianity functions in much the same way. It controls through pacification. It offers comfort, but at the expense of individuality. What do you think?
Absolutely disgusted that anyone would think i am a TS


https://youtu.be/HOEbmXpA4nw
https://youtu.be/OfcnTgl_6vs
learn more about me:
https://twitter.com/subOphelia
many years ago, fans would write to me:

 was sent to miss ophelia's to make an example of her. She was to be punished for orgasmic activity unauthorized by her Mistress. Her Mistress specified that she should be lashed with a whip mercilessly. Since her Mistress knew ophelia would try to wiggle her way out of punishment by seducing her punisher, she selected me to punish her wayward ophelia. She informed me that I'd be observed by her as I punished ophelia and that I'd be rewarded handsomely if I punished ophelia thoroughly. 
When I arrived, ophelia was fetchingly clad in a black gauze see-thru dress and red pumps. Her Mistress had been correct. It was obvious ophelia thought she could seduce me into being merciful on her. I grabbed her hair, pulled her to me, pressed my crotch against her writhing butt and whispered,"Feel how flaccid my cock is when I rub your disgustingly feminine body with it!" Then I dug the steel studs on my wrist band into her scalp. As she flinched in pain,with my crotch still pressed against her ass, I hissed, "See how my cock hardens only with your pain!Your Mistress knew you would try to seduce anyone she sent to administer correction - so she sent me, a gay sadist who's immune to your feminine charm!, Now KISS MY BOOTS!" I shoved her down to the floor and she covered my boots with kisses while pleading for mercy. Her cries for mercy increased as I pulled out my lash and began reddening her ass. The gauze dress was lashed to shreds in seconds, and her back began to sport beautiful pink and red lines from the lash's cruel strokes. With each storke she pleaded for mercy. Her begging and attempts to continue to lick my boots aroused me into a sexual frenzy, which could only be sated by administering the lash on poor luckless ophelia. Over and over again the lash fell, she screamed, and the lash fell again. At one point she tried to roll away from me. I planted my boot firmly atop her black tresses and jerked her head back to the floor painfully. Finally I discharged, cum staining the silk lining of my leather pants and inundating my silk boxer shorts. Just as I was recovering from my orgasm, my cell phone rang. It was ophelia's Mistress. "I'm SO HOT from watching you make such a good example of my slave ophelia! We were all watching on the camera behind the mirror! None of my other slaves will EVER engage in unauthorized masturbation again after seeing the way ophelia suffered. I discharged just fingering myself while I watched you whip her! Please come over right away to receive the handsome reward I promised. I have SUCH a sweet boy for you toplay with! With one last lash at poor luckless ophelia's supine body and with my cock hardening in anticipation of the handsome boy-slave reward I'd be getting soon I strutted out the door, stepping on ophelia one last time as I departed. 
i wrote a poem many years back. 

It is His Day. 

 

His Day is a day that comes every year

A day in the Spring,but I have no fear

The beginning of Spring is a very nice time 

to Have Your day even though You're not mine.

 

Temporarily dismissed, or dismissed for this life,

I know that Your day marks a special part of Your life

No matter what You may think, or how much You disagree

Please Know that You are very special to me.

 

Please accept these written words

Although they are few

And please, I beg, You know

I am thinking of You.

 

I wish for some fine wine

and some of Your time

With hopes of reinstatement and another new year

 

May Your day be happy and 

May the years ahead be happy for you

 

Although I wish i could spend them with You

Your special day ,means a lot to me

In Spring with the birds sitting up in the trees!

 

Pretty flowers at Your table brighten up Your room

with the romantic sweet smell of Ophelias perfume

 

i wish i could be with You on Your special day

But know Ill be thinking of you every minute of the day!

 

I can go on and on saying how great You are and how special this day..Your day is..but i will close this poem right now

 

And saulte You with a bow.

 

written for You from ophelia

 

https://youtu.be/iqMrHJQXr9g
i do not obey orders from any other than my Dom unless my Dom orders me to do so. please respect that. thank you all.
there is a light that never goes out....
i am grateful for today's order that my Dom issued me. i am over my PMS
i would love to greet my Dom and to grovel at His feet

my Dom is merciful

i will always obey Him, even at times when i am misbehaved/naughty/ recalcitrant

do i wish for a whipping? yes, but however it isn't up to me as to if and when i am ever given one

i am grateful
i can only hope that i might grovel for the PMS i had

i can only hope that i can remain in chastity


to say that i await and am grateful for any and all orders is an understatement

to be fortunate to be punished


https://youtu.be/oeN-jDGQlpQ

'let's be young men together'
he awakens as a 40 year old self....

one of my favorite films. ever
i love having no limits for my Master. i was thinking about my Dom and the tribute i have for Him. i can't wait to greet Him on my knees , to kiss His feet. 

i love greeting my Dom, and when i am sent back from serving physically ...i am serving in actions and orders.


using great beauty product that enhances me and makes me look better for my Dom
i am happy to have standing orders , and to be in chastity. i love serving my Dom
we know how Hamlet feels about Ophelia, no matter what he says. When he says he doesn't love her, he's lying through his teeth. If he didn't love her, she wouldn't look so beautiful to him.

The Nunnery Scene is one of the great scenes in all of literature, and it's beastly intricate and complicated. It's Hamlet's logical argument about truth versus beauty, and as he says it to Ophelia, he's lyin' like a dog.
Act III Scene 1 was always my favorite scene, and having played her 3 performances of Hamlet I can say this was my favorite part :


SCENE I. A room in the castle.

Enter KING CLAUDIUS, QUEEN GERTRUDE, POLONIUS, OPHELIA, ROSENCRANTZ, and GUILDENSTERN


KING CLAUDIUS


And can you, by no drift of circumstance,


Get from him why he puts on this confusion,


Grating so harshly all his days of quiet


With turbulent and dangerous lunacy?


ROSENCRANTZ


He does confess he feels himself distracted;


But from what cause he will by no means speak.


GUILDENSTERN


Nor do we find him forward to be sounded,


But, with a crafty madness, keeps aloof,


When we would bring him on to some confession


Of his true state.


QUEEN GERTRUDE


Did he receive you well?


ROSENCRANTZ


Most like a gentleman.


GUILDENSTERN


But with much forcing of his disposition.


ROSENCRANTZ


Niggard of question; but, of our demands,


Most free in his reply.


QUEEN GERTRUDE


Did you assay him?


To any pastime?


ROSENCRANTZ


Madam, it so fell out, that certain players


We o'er-raught on the way: of these we told him;


And there did seem in him a kind of joy


To hear of it: they are about the court,


And, as I think, they have already order


This night to play before him.


LORD POLONIUS


'Tis most true:


And he beseech'd me to entreat your majesties


To hear and see the matter.


KING CLAUDIUS


With all my heart; and it doth much content me


To hear him so inclined.


Good gentlemen, give him a further edge,


And drive his purpose on to these delights.


ROSENCRANTZ


We shall, my lord.

Exeunt ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN



KING CLAUDIUS


Sweet Gertrude, leave us too;


For we have closely sent for Hamlet hither,


That he, as 'twere by accident, may here


Affront Ophelia:


Her father and myself, lawful espials,


Will so bestow ourselves that, seeing, unseen,


We may of their encounter frankly judge,


And gather by him, as he is behaved,


If 't be the affliction of his love or no


That thus he suffers for.


QUEEN GERTRUDE


I shall obey you.


And for your part, Ophelia, I do wish


That your good beauties be the happy cause


Of Hamlet's wildness: so shall I hope your virtues


Will bring him to his wonted way again,


To both your honours.


OPHELIA


Madam, I wish it may.

Exit QUEEN GERTRUDE



LORD POLONIUS


Ophelia, walk you here. Gracious, so please you,


We will bestow ourselves.

To OPHELIA



Read on this book;


That show of such an exercise may colour


Your loneliness. We are oft to blame in this,--


'Tis too much proved--that with devotion's visage


And pious action we do sugar o'er


The devil himself.


KING CLAUDIUS


[Aside] O, 'tis too true!


How smart a lash that speech doth give my conscience!


The harlot's cheek, beautied with plastering art,


Is not more ugly to the thing that helps it


Than is my deed to my most painted word:


O heavy burthen!


LORD POLONIUS


I hear him coming: let's withdraw, my lord.

Exeunt KING CLAUDIUS and POLONIUS

Enter HAMLET



HAMLET


To be, or not to be: that is the question:


Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer


The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,


Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,


And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;


No more; and by a sleep to say we end


The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks


That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation


Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;


To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;


For in that sleep of death what dreams may come


When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,


Must give us pause: there's the respect


That makes calamity of so long life;


For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,


The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,


The pangs of despised love, the law's delay,


The insolence of office and the spurns


That patient merit of the unworthy takes,


When he himself might his quietus make


With a bare bodkin? who would fardels bear,


To grunt and sweat under a weary life,


But that the dread of something after death,


The undiscover'd country from whose bourn


No traveller returns, puzzles the will


And makes us rather bear those ills we have


Than fly to others that we know not of?


Thus conscience does make cowards of us all;


And thus the native hue of resolution


Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,


And enterprises of great pith and moment


With this regard their currents turn awry,


And lose the name of action.--Soft you now!


The fair Ophelia! Nymph, in thy orisons


Be all my sins remember'd.


OPHELIA


Good my lord,


How does your honour for this many a day?


HAMLET


I humbly thank you; well, well, well.


OPHELIA


My lord, I have remembrances of yours,



That I have longed long to re-deliver;



I pray you, now receive them.


HAMLET


No, not I;



I never gave you aught.


OPHELIA


My honour'd lord, you know right well you did;


And, with them, words of so sweet breath composed


As made the things more rich: their perfume lost,


Take these again; for to the noble mind


Rich gifts wax poor when givers prove unkind.


There, my lord.


HAMLET


Ha, ha! are you honest?


OPHELIA


My lord?


HAMLET


Are you fair?


OPHELIA


What means your lordship?


HAMLET


That if you be honest and fair, your honesty should



admit no discourse to your beauty.


OPHELIA


Could beauty, my lord, have better commerce than


with honesty?


HAMLET


Ay, truly; for the power of beauty will sooner


transform honesty from what it is to a bawd than the


force of honesty can translate beauty into his


likeness: this was sometime a paradox, but now the


time gives it proof. I did love you once.


OPHELIA


Indeed, my lord, you made me believe so.


HAMLET


You should not have believed me; for virtue cannot



so inoculate our old stock but we shall relish of



it: I loved you not.


OPHELIA


I was the more deceived.


HAMLET


Get thee to a nunnery: why wouldst thou be a


breeder of sinners? I am myself indifferent honest;


but yet I could accuse me of such things that it


were better my mother had not borne me: I am very


proud, revengeful, ambitious, with more offences at


my beck than I have thoughts to put them in,


imagination to give them shape, or time to act them


in. What should such fellows as I do crawling


between earth and heaven? We are arrant knaves,


all; believe none of us. Go thy ways to a nunnery.


Where's your father?


OPHELIA


At home, my lord.


HAMLET


Let the doors be shut upon him, that he may play the


fool no where but in's own house. Farewell.


OPHELIA


O, help him, you sweet heavens!


HAMLET


If thou dost marry, I'll give thee this plague for


thy dowry: be thou as chaste as ice, as pure as



snow, thou shalt not escape calumny. Get thee to a



nunnery, go: farewell. Or, if thou wilt needs



marry, marry a fool; for wise men know well enough



what monsters you make of them. To a nunnery, go,



and quickly too. Farewell.


OPHELIA


O heavenly powers, restore him!


HAMLET


I have heard of your paintings too, well enough; God


has given you one face, and you make yourselves


another: you jig, you amble, and you lisp, and


nick-name God's creatures, and make your wantonness


your ignorance. Go to, I'll no more on't; it hath


made me mad. I say, we will have no more marriages:


those that are married already, all but one, shall


live; the rest shall keep as they are. To a


nunnery, go.

Exit



OPHELIA


O, what a noble mind is here o'erthrown!


The courtier's, soldier's, scholar's, eye, tongue, sword;


The expectancy and rose of the fair state,


The glass of fashion and the mould of form,


The observed of all observers, quite, quite down!


And I, of ladies most deject and wretched,


That suck'd the honey of his music vows,


Now see that noble and most sovereign reason,


Like sweet bells jangled, out of tune and harsh;


That unmatch'd form and feature of blown youth


Blasted with ecstasy: O, woe is me,


To have seen what I have seen, see what I see!

Re-enter KING CLAUDIUS and POLONIUS



KING CLAUDIUS


Love! his affections do not that way tend;


Nor what he spake, though it lack'd form a little,


Was not like madness. There's something in his soul,


O'er which his melancholy sits on brood;


And I do doubt the hatch and the disclose


Will be some danger: which for to prevent,


I have in quick determination


Thus set it down: he shall with speed to England,


For the demand of our neglected tribute


Haply the seas and countries different


With variable objects shall expel


This something-settled matter in his heart,


Whereon his brains still beating puts him thus


From fashion of himself. What think you on't?


LORD POLONIUS


It shall do well: but yet do I believe


The origin and commencement of his grief


Sprung from neglected love. How now, Ophelia!


You need not tell us what Lord Hamlet said;


We heard it all. My lord, do as you please;


But, if you hold it fit, after the play


Let his queen mother all alone entreat him


To show his grief: let her be round with him;


And I'll be placed, so please you, in the ear


Of all their conference. If she find him not,


To England send him, or confine him where


Your wisdom best shall think.


KING CLAUDIUS


It shall be so:


Madness in great ones must not unwatch'd go.

Exeunt


https://youtu.be/sMVBP_0OOZY
https://youtu.be/QD8RiEjUgYI


there is a light that never goes out

https://youtu.be/1j1DF8Tzkig?t=3m30s
https://youtu.be/1j1DF8Tzkig

needed this now. 


https://youtu.be/ot51sQGLdg4

angelic

https://youtu.be/ot51sQGLdg4

and one of my favorite films

and. Morrissey


my ex always found the "bad" to see in me.

my friends, my dear ones always saw the good

https://youtu.be/1sQ7cuYgjzw

a friend of mine , RIP, soldier,would roll in  grave knowing that i am basically going thru similar of what you endured

before you sent the text with the refrain of this song.... 

you always rememembered things about me that only one other person on this planet did/does

everytime i hear this song i cant help but to think that... 

what happens to men also happens to women


https://youtu.be/1sQ7cuYgjzw 
i have a favorite candle, and a favorite candle brand. it's called D.L. & Co. . Rare botanic candles. They are the best candles out there, and are also great for wax play. Great tribute item for Dom/mes as well.

Many aficionados of the scene imagine that being trained to be a slave is a journey through a magically erotic kingdom. They envision an endless stream of sensual stimulation ranging from the most common sexual encounters to prolonged sessions of agonizing torture. With all the participant suitably costumed of course. It is disillusioning for these people to realize that masters and mistresses do not often feel constrained to conduct their affairs in gleaming black leather or latex, complete with jack boots or stiletto heels. Their faces fall in disappointment when they are made to understand that
a slave's life is mostly comprised of patience and study.  Yes, study. If not before actual books, then following the example of greater, senior slaves. Or learning every nuance of their owner's character, to that they can more completely and seamlessly offer themselves at the right  time and in the right manner. A true slave, the one who will be cherished and valued, will never allow their skills and talents to become stagnant. They will never be satisfied with their own level of competence. And they will always be willing to follow their owner's lead, quickly, respectfully, and to the best of their ability. To be thrilled at the touch of leather, aroused by the sound of harsh words, or satisfied by the security of rigid bondage is the mark of  a lover. To be thrilled at the opportunity to provide useful service, aroused by a pleased nod, or satisfied by  the proverbial job well done is the mark of a slave. ' 

Knowing that my nodules can turn malignant at any point, gives life much more meaning. Not that I have not held life dear to me, but as a Leo I am fiercely loyal .
 
I am a lady , but at certain times my male brain comes out. Blue collar , but an elegant lady when necessary. I can hold my own and am far from intimidated (and prefer) working with men.
https://youtu.be/Fhe9mQ9LqGE

I hear my voice
I hear my voice.
It's been years.

Excuse me, but can I be you for a while
My dog won't bite if you sit real still
I got the Anti-Christ in the kitchen yellin' at me again
Yeah, I can hear that
Been saved again by the garbage truck
I got something to say, you know, but nothing comes
Yes, I know what you think of me, you never shut up
Yeah, I can hear that
But what if I'm a mermaid, in these jeans of his with her name still on it
Hey, but I don't care 'cause sometimes,

I said sometimes I hear my voice.
And it's been here silent all these years

So you found a girl who thinks really deep thoughts
What's so amazing about really deep thoughts
Boy you best pray that I bleed real soon
How's that thought for you
My scream got lost in a paper cup
You think there's a heaven where some screams have gone
I got twenty-five bucks an' a cracker
Do you think it's enough to get us there
Cause what if I'm a mermaid, in these jeans of his with her name still on it
Hey, but I don't care 'cause sometimes, I said sometimes I hear my voice
And it's been here silent all these

Years go by, will I still be waiting for somebody else to understand
Years go by, if I'm stripped of my beauty and the orange clouds raining in my head
Years go by, will I choke on my tears 'til, finally there is nothing left
One more casualty, you know we're too easy, easy, easy

Well, I love the way we communicate
Your eyes focus on my funny lip shape
Let's hear what you think of me now
But, baby, don't look up- the sky is falling
Your mother shows up in a nasty dress

Hmm, it's your turn now to stand where I stand
Everybody lookin' at you, here taken hold of my hand
Yeah, I can hear them

But what if I'm a mermaid in these jeans of yours with her name still on it
Hey, but I don't care 'cause sometimes, I said sometimes I hear my voice

I hear my voice, I hear my voice, and it's been here
Silent all these years. I've been here silent all these years
Silent all these, silent all these years
 
 
the anguish i feel at upsetting my Dom with upsetting news is beyond compare.
although i haven't been permitted to resume chapter 11, i can think that it will change.
perhaps the guests return to the rooftop for another evening.
or perhaps there is a time and space change. similar to various Black Mirror episodes
Or, perhaps a neural implant is developed and she never has to remember painful memories? but how would she then discern good and bad...and reward and punishment.

or will she take on an assertive GI Jane type role?

as i think about the next 3 chapters i will write, i can only think.

i would never go against my Dom. fortunate for His orders, even the smallest (the smallest are the loudest orders)

i can only hope to be in His good graces again, worthy to do chores and groom Him

the anguish i feel at myself is inconsolable . i can think of it in musical form similar to an artist utilizing and paint brush


i am fortunate to await Orders. i am extremely lucky to be Owned. there are many who are not fortunate to be in my position

i live to make my Dom happy

His happiness is my reward

and that is heavenly.
when i was approached, considered oh so many years ago this song was 'new'
i would play it on the radio en route to work at the first carrier i drove for.

relatable because it shows many facets of the character that is ophelia
it shows how she not only loved, but loved painfully. loved the wrong personas, loved the wrong ones ...to end up alone

i have 11 chapters of a novel that i have been ordered silent on writing. and rightfully so. it is not my novel, but for someone. 
it is not my music, but the piano is a paintbrush . an auditory panopoly



Ophelia was a bride of god
A novice Carmelite
In sister cells the cloister bells
Tolled on her wedding night 

Ophelia was a rebel girl
A blue stocking suffragette
Who remedied society
Between her cigarettes 

Ophelia was a sweetheart
To the nation over night
Curvaceous thighs
Vivacious eyes
Love was at first sight... 

Ophelia was a demigoddess
In pre war Babylon
So statuesque a silhouette
In black satin evening gowns 

Ophelia was the mistress to a
Vegas gambling man
Signora Ophelia Maraschina
Mafia courtesan 

Ophelia was a circus queen
The female cannonball
Projected through five flaming hoops
To wild and shocked applause... 

Ophelia was a cyclone, tempest
A god damned hurricane
Your common sense
Your best defense
Lay wasted and in vain 

Ophelia'd know your every woe
And pain you'd ever had
She'd sympathize
And dry your eyes
And help you to forget... 

Ophelia's mind went wandering
You'd wonder where she'd gone
Through secret doors
Down corridors
She'd wander them alone
All alone...



Upside down and inside out and on all eights
You're like a funnel-web
Like a black fly on the ceiling
Skinny, white haunches high in the sky
And a black oily gash crawling backwards across the carpet to smash all over everything
Wet, black fur against the sun going down
Over the shops and the cars and the crowds in the town

And this is the moment, this is exactly where she is born to be
Now this is what she does and this is what she is
And this is the moment, this is exactly where she is born to be
This is what she does and this is what she is
Her eyes that look at me through a rainy hair
Two round holes where the air buckles and rushes in
Her body, moon blue, was a jellyfish
And I'm breathing deep and I'm there and I'm also not there
And spurting ink over the sheets but she remains, completely unexplained
Or maybe I'm just too tongue-tied to drink it up and swallow back the pain
I thought slavery had been abolished
How come it's gone and reared its ugly head again?

And this is the moment, this is exactly what she is born to be
And this is what she does and this is what she is
And this is the moment, this is exactly what she is born to be
This is what she is and this is what she does

And this is the moment, this is exactly what she is born to be
And this is what she does and this is what she is
And this is the moment, this is exactly what she is born to be
Then this is what she does and this is what she is

And now she's jumping up with her leaping brain
Stepping over heaps of sleeping children
Disappearing and further up and spinning out again
Up and further up she goes, up and out of the bed
Up and out of the bed and down the hall where she stops for moment and turns and says
"Are you still here?"
And then reaches high and dangles herself like a child's dream from the rings of Saturn
Nick Cave in 'Rings of Saturn'

The lines  "this is who I am 

 

This is exactly what I was born to be. "

and "

 

I believe in the rapture cause I saw your face  "

 

 

 
An ex of mine stated:

You have always told me about your purpose on earth and your inner drive and mission in life. 

The lines this is who I am 
This is exactly what I was born to be.  (rings of saturn , nick cave)

You have always told me about your purpose on earth and your inner drive and mission in life. 

I don't have one. I don't know my purpose, I have delusional economic thoughts and ideas but no goal or drive to obtain that goal. 

I envy you, and realize I am lost inside.  



And it has always been....


a. In general, a slave must learn and accept all slave behavior as being normal, and learns to behave in a way that IS natural-looking and feeling. Additionally, the slave always acts and responds to make the SlaveMaster look "right" about the orders He gives. A slave does not respond in any way that causes the appearance that the SlaveMaster has made a mistake. This is not a game of "gotcha."

 

The slave is considered a part of the SlaveMaster's body. The slave is to learn to act as naturally, with the same obedience, lack of attitude, and coordination as any other part of the SlaveMaster's body. To act any other way, is to act in a disabled, disrespectful, and disobedient way. A slave does not invite mockery nor criticism, and feels none when it is doing as ordered. If the slave cannot accept its behavior as normal, it is unfair to expect the public to accept it as normal. A slave always acts with dignity, and in a way that reflects positively on its Owner and its brothers.

 

b. A slave stands, no matter what the circumstance, whenever its SlaveMaster stands or enters the same room or space as a slave. Even if the slave has been told to "stay" or to "sit", that order is only good until its SlaveMaster next enters or stands.

 

c. When told to "sit", a slave sits on the floor. That is what "sit" means to a slave. When a slave is told to "lie down," it does so on a slave mattress or pad, not a bed. Beds and chairs are furniture which a slave is not authorized to use without being specifically ordered to do so.

 

d. A slave does not sit anywhere, at any time, without the specific order of its SlaveMaster, except for in a room designated as slave space. That space may be designated within the SlaveMaster's home, or at any other location. If such a space is not designated, then a slave is NOT free to sit. Even when in the slave space, if the SlaveMaster enters that space, the slave would immediately rise to the PRESENT position, and remain in that position until told to "continue" or until given another order.

 

e. A slave never begins to eat until its SlaveMaster has begun, AND everyone due respect who is within the SlaveMaster's communication or concern has begun. A slave's authority to eat is given when the SlaveMaster authorizes food to be prepared for the slave, or when a slave is authorized to order from a menu. A slave does not ask if it is its SlaveMaster's intention for the slave to eat when there is food sitting in front of the slave, but it doesn't begin to consume that food until all, except slaves, have begun. If any Master in the area is not eating, the slave must have an explicit order to begin eating. At an eating table, a slave stands PRESENTED, rather than fully presenting while awaiting orders to sit and begin.

 

f. A slave only uses the toilet the SlaveMaster has designated for it to use, and never uses the toilet seat, nor stands in front of that toilet to piss. When a slave uses the designated toilet, or any clean, private toilet, the slave lifts the lid and seat, then sits on the rim of the seat. Afterwards, the seat and lid are lowered.

 

g. When a slave feels the need for food or drink, the slave always asks its SlaveMaster His need first, then adds, "and Your slave?" A sample behavior would include:

 
 

i. PRESENTING appropriately, either full or standing

 

ii. Asking "SlaveMaster Sir?"

 

iii. Awaiting acknowledgment

 

iv. Asking "Sir, do You wish Your slave to get You some water Sir?"

 

v. Responding "Sir, Yes Sir, Thank You Sir!"

 

vi. Then adding "and Your slave Sir?"

 

vii. Again responding "Sir, Yes Sir, Thank You Sir!"

 
 

h. Whenever another slave presents, all slaves in the presence of the one who is required to PRESENT will PRESENT with that slave, i.e. a slave never watches another slave PRESENT itself, it joins the other slave in PRESENTING. Once PRESENTED, all slaves must wait for an order which allows each slave to move once again. The only exception is when the NON-PRESENTED slaves have been ordered to sleep and are in their ordered positions to sleep or when bound or otherwise encumbered in such a way that the PRESENTATION position cannot be physically achieved. PRESENTED slaves always align in an orderly fashion.

 
 

i. A slave walks to the left and about one step behind its SlaveMaster, with its hands behind its back. Even when walking, as always, a slave only speaks after it has requested "SlaveMaster Sir?", unless responding to its SlaveMaster's questions.

 

There's rosemary, that's for remembrance.
Pray you, love, remember. And there is pansies, 
that's for thoughts. […] 
There's fennel for you, and columbines. 
There's rue  for you; and here's some for me; we 
may call it  herb of grace o' Sundays. You must wear your 
rue with  a difference. There's a daisy. I would 
give you some violets, but they withered all 
when my father died.

-(4.5.199-201, 204-209) Hamlet

“What her lover wanted from her was very simple: that she be constantly and immediately accessible. It was not enough for him to know that she was: she was to be so without the slightest obstacle intervening, and her bearing and clothing both were to bespeak, as it were, the symbol of that availability to experienced eyes.” 
― Pauline Réage

Story of O: A Novel

“In the final analysis, with Rene she had been an apprentice to love, she had loved him only to learn how to give herself, enslaved and surfeited, to Sir Stephen.” 
― Pauline Réage

“The chains and the silence, which should have bound her deep within herself, which should have smothered her, strangled her, on the contrary freed her from herself.” 
― Pauline Réage

Story of O: A Novel

“O was infinitely more moving when her body was covered with marks, of whatever kind, if only because these marks made it impossible for her to cheat and immediately proclaimed, the moment they were seen, that anything went as far as she was concerned. For to know this was one thing, but to see the proof of it, and to see the proof constantly renewed, was quite another.” 
― Pauline Réage

“Keep me rather in this cage, and feed me sparingly, if you dare. Anything that brings me closer to illness and the edge of death makes me more faithful. It is only when you make me suffer that I feel safe and secure. You should never have agreed to be a god for me if you were afraid to assume the duties of a god, and we know that they are not as tender as all that. You have already seen me cry. Now you must learn to relish my tears.” 
― Pauline Réage

 
“Whatever he wanted of her she wanted too, solely because he was asking it of her.”
 
i can't wait to be on my knees greeting my Dom

i can't wait to serve Him and do chores

i have learned through punishment, through chastity. 


“Whatever he wanted of her she wanted too, solely because he was asking it of her.”
“She was waiting for more than permission, since she already had permission. She was waiting for an order.” 
my photos are me now. i am not ashamed of my age, nor afraid to hide what i look like . in fact, i look better than i did 20 years ago! all of my photos are very current, and i have plenty of life experience!
“She was waiting for more than permission, since she already had permission. She was waiting for an order.” 
― Pauline Réage

Story of O: A Novel

 
“O felt that he was watching her the way a lion trainer watches the animal he has trained, careful to see that it performs with complete obedience and thus does honor to him, but even more the way a prince’s bodyguard or a bandit’s second-in-command keeps an eye on the prostitute he has gone down to fetch in the street.” 
― Pauline Réage

Story of O: A Novel

“Her freedom was worse than any chains.” 
― Pauline Réage

Story of O: A Novel

 
“Whatever he wanted of her she wanted too, solely because he was asking it of her.” 
― Pauline Réage

Story of O: A Novel

https://youtu.be/Hhczho-zai8

my anthem
i was unfocused and had no confidence. 
as a result i had one of the most difficult evenings of my life
very sad
..... My friend sent good luck from the other side. Good job, soldier. Miss ya
WOOTWOOT

gonna be behind the wheel

WOOT WOOT

celebrate!

i have a tribute for my Dom and wannnnnnnaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
time to play some bowie on the piano.... nighterz
ah was playing this the other night on the piano

and Ralph Fiennes.....my goodness
dem eyez
https://youtu.be/AfkPnvABnbw

the best part of a favorite show of mine

https://youtu.be/ZD-Wd1Sfem8

7:35 in https://youtu.be/ZD-Wd1Sfem8


holy moly





ok so they took soundtrack from the cheesy 1984 made for tv film by orwell

https://youtu.be/VU46xg6ClGA




so now that it's fall/winter, i have gone back to cinching my waist more. especially at night/at home with my basic "stealth" cincher which is worn underneath clothing.
quiet evening... certainly better than being nervous nellie ;P
some brief errands
i must remain focused. obeying Sir's orders, even the smallest of such are just as important as obeying Him in person and greeting Him properly.
O enjoys being in this subordinate position when it comes to love and sex and being with someone who will puther in such a situation and keep her there.In both O and Severin's case, the one who relinquishescontrol is the one who loves the most deeply. The one who kneels is the one who is obsessed, while theone who punishes seems almost indifferent.Barthes (1977) writes that the one who loves is the onewho is constantly
‘sedentary, motionless, at hand, in expectation’ while the loved one is in a ‘condition
of perpe
tual departure’ (
 p.14). O finds herself in this constant state of perpetual waiting with René.Whenever he relaxes his grip on her she feels like she is going mad. Yet within this mania, it is the tight
bonds he holds over her make her happy. As O herself thinks, '[t]hank God, she was no longer free'(p.43). She knows that even when she is not with her lover, she will always carry the marks on her skinand his branding on her body. O finds escape from the craziness of being the one who loves the most,the one who always waits, through the knowledge that she is tightly bound and controlled by her loverand cannot actually escape. The parody of this metaphorical binding in the literal sense helps her reachecstasy and fulfillment.
"She was no longer free? Yes! thank God, she was no longer free. But she was light, a nymph on clouds, a fish in water, lost in happiness.”  -Pauline Reage
"She was no longer free? Yes! thank God, she was no longer free. But she was light, a nymph on clouds, a fish in water, lost in happiness.”  -Pauline Reage
Today's focus is on obedience. Learning to find service, obedience, and understand my role more through being silent. 

Also continuing to remember to ask permission , and to continue to improve .
 
         
 
Today's focus is on obedience. Learning to find service, obedience, and understand my role more through being silent. 

Also continuing to remember to ask permission , and to continue to improve .

gala tomorrow evening. in queens. 
Today's focus is on obedience. Learning to find service, obedience, and understand my role more through being silent. 

Also continuing to remember to ask permission , and to continue to improve .
shoe shine.
a few pairs being brought back to life

realized i dont have the dam brush so improvising with a cloth grrrrr
wearing my long warm black dress with a cincher belt.
and nice jewelry.

errands, applications, chores....completed

::: happy:::
enjoying quiet/solitude.. applying to some charter co's. 
good morning...
when things get easier i know it will be better for all who know me!
this girl is going to bed tonight a happy girl

:)
with the change in time, the day seems longer. 
awww https://youtu.be/qpMPLmYe4Y4

but she is quite a "do-me" sub
hmmm sounds like an apt in my bldg is being shown lol

have to peek sounded like a nice voice
https://youtu.be/lJytqFCTvZk 

:)


think i will watch Full Metal Jacket tonight.
LOVE that movie. It's wicked pissah

Especially the little shit disobedient shit lead character. yeah its been that long since ive seen it 

lmao

and the music. yeah kubrick was a genius. 

maybe brave new world after that 
close competition it was:

Morrissey v Bowie

Same head, same facial structure

who had better hair?

both amazing voices

impeccable

they had a rivalry of course because they were so similar!

1976 Nassau Colliseum Life on Mars was one of his best performances of the song.
Velvet Underground & Nico...

nuff said
Phillip was a driver before he really took off. Thanks to Coppola and the 'Qaatsi series, he had his chance

And when I think that ONLY Baroque and "classical" can be composed, I then continue to work on my composition(s) and arrange more...

and sing...
and sing more....


Phillip Glass arranged Every Breath You Take ,I believe around the time the Police did their version.

I enjoy playing Glass. He has always been inspiration to me. Not only in my compositions, but being able to interpret and play his works are a blessing.

I am listening to an amazing interpretation of Sting's Fields of Gold by The Prague Philaharmonic and Craig Ogden on guitar leading. It's absolutely beautiful.
trying to figure out how to add photos to my journal posts.

.... 



since i've been using Korres Golden Krocus Ageless Elixir, for a few days...I look remarkably younger. Amazing product, ladies. Absoutely amazing item.
while down on the floor cleaning, had some thoughts on how i can be more obedient during punishment.

mind over matter, "see" only pleasing your Dom.


doing some mini chores to upkeep with my very clean home.
having some hot cocoa 

quiet evening.


going to lunch w/ my malesub (who is punished ;) for 5 more days )

grateful to have a Dom that grants me permission, and is merciful and finds me worthy of micro orders and micro managing!
Every day is like Sunday... -Morrissey

Today's focus: 
-continued obedience
-following Dom's orders and wishes 
-not "asking" either indirectly or implying


Off to slumber... Enjoying the silence...
Pleasant dreams of bdsm...
just watched Bowie's video for Life on Mars

one of my absolute favorite songs to play on piano and listen to https://www.facebook.com/davidbowie/videos/10153848442547665/

my husband was naughty today and i punished him for 5 days. he is behaving but naughty - not in a dismissal way naughty but being a turd thinking he will be punished. yeah, taht.
he got me nervous and i over reacted to my Sir.

so then the trouble... sigh

tomorrow will focus focus


didn't realize how many people like my piano playing. hmm
just put all of the cleaning supplies away. shampooing the rug and then into bed to read or watch netflix.
i would like to write more on my short story, but do not have permission from my Owner yet.

it's been very quiet here. so quiet i can hear my thoughts and stay calm.

the power one person can have is far more than 5 people

and another friend of mine is going to look into hooking me up with a driving job

my heart is behidn the wheel of a bus

also in serving my Owner

but what would be better than working , picking up Owner and driving someplace nice?

i always owed friends rides

one person i owed a ride to passed away this winter. never forget that friend. his last text to me were the chorus from Landslide by Fleetwood Mac

He never forgot stats (my bday, anniversary ect) and was the 2nd person in the world to call me by my nickname . 

i am grateful for my poly triad life.

i am grateful for everything.


it is by following orders that we realize the "why", the "what" and so on.
One who is a natural Dom, realizes that by issuing even micro orders they are two-5 steps ahead.
It is a lot of work and as subs we should be grateful because it is compassionate and a form of showing that they Own you.

as  i reflect on my quiet weekend, i realized that i asked my Dom a question.
that was impolite and improper.

and while cleaning "boarding school style" also known as "military clean", i realize that the "why" has been here.

grateful FOR IT.

will i be rewarded? i already have been by Orders.
i have a modest tribute for my Dom.

i serve without an expectation to be "rewarded" i focus on my Dom. that is my reward.
happy to be Owned. focus. focus focus. focus today on dealing with my thyroid imbalance and pms.
focus and be grateful.


so my malesub is locked up in chastity. the keys are with me and he is not nearby for awhile....days days days! he is on punishment for 5 days for misbehaving which then in turn caused me to get nervous and over react.

shrimp tempura and rice for dinner...i made.


scrubbing floors, corners.... behind everything.
since my strict punishment with Sir the other night, my focus has been being less of a chatterbox, learning to enjoy the silence this weekend and to continue improving as a sub . making my Owner's life embellished and happy

the benign tumor in my brain gives me bad headaches at times. this is one of the bad headaches. 


dressed in cute Michael Kors jeans, cute top, and apple watch. smell wonderful, skin so soft. think i will go out for a bit :)


https://youtu.be/tc7FhWtA2Jk  

bath then heading out for the nice day .... 

so quiet around here..
zzzzzzzzzzz
i was very happy to see Master the other night. being obedient is at the forefront of my focus , and I was definitely out of practice on remaining in place for the whip. However, as I continue to focus I look forward to improving.
laced tightly in my corset. dressed cute. now getting cozy and warm, with my slippers , too.
an idea went through my mind over the past day to add another movement to my composition. some lyrics to the musical i am composing came into my mind as well

i also enjoy playing Phillip Glass on my piano

i am grateful to be musical

music and the keys are my paintbrush
Relaxing. just got in from pizza. alone.quiet night. going to do some writing.

bath. going to wear a cute outfit. 
Focusing on not being a chatterbox. Today's focus of the day.
“She considered herself fortunate to count enough in his eyes for him to derive pleasure from offending her, as believers give thanks to God for humbling them. "
-Pauline Reage 
busy afternoon...

did some writing regarding misbehavior
reflected immensely despite not sleeping very well
played some music and composed a few more staves of music
ran errands
applying to a few small coach companies to get behind the wheel soon

spoke to Owner proividing Him with full ,complete update regarding question. not girls place to explain/clarify/excuse /reason as to why she misbehaved. not her position.

grateful for permission to speak.

hanging laundry. i like the smell of clean laundry.

the old guard protocol remains...old school article:

http://www.bornslaves.com/principles.html

Posting some aspects of the article on which are protocol standard(s), and which i am rusty at yet improving:
(of course YMMV with your Dom/me and all BDSM interactions vary. this is a 'big picture')

4. OBEDIENCE

It is the heart, character, and fiber of a slave to be obedient. Obedience is the prompt, eager, and cheerful wanting only what its Owner wants. It is disobedient for a slave to:

a. Indulge in, express, display, or act out anger, moodiness, or any form of disruptive emotion, behavior, or thought. Such characteristics are a violation of cheerfulness.

b. Display by tone, body language, or expression its disagreement with, 1) The slave optionally PRESENTS STANDING only if the SlaveMaster is standing

(2) Otherwise, the slave PRESENTS normally, on its knees

ii. The slave remains motionless in the PRESENT position until it is given another order.

iii. If the slave has a question it says "SlaveMaster Sir?"

iv. Awaits acknowledgment

v. Asks its question, as described in the Communications section

vi. Responds "Sir, Yes Sir, Thank You Sir!"

vii. If the question has become an order, takes care of the new order, or

viii. Additionally asks "Sir, do You wish Your slave to continue Sir?"

ix. Responds "Sir, Yes Sir, Thank You Sir!"

x. Continues or remains as ordered.

e. LEAVING THE SLAVEMASTER'S CONSCIOUSNESS.

The slave separates itself physically from its SlaveMaster only when:

i. it has been ordered to perform a task that requires the slave to separate

ii. The slave asks, in normal format, if the SlaveMaster wants it to continue

iii. The slave says, as a minimum, "Sir, Your slave will..., if You wish Sir?" e.g. ...answer Your phone.

When the slave is asking what the Owner's intention is, it can add, "and return?" to the question. Sometimes the SlaveMaster will tell the slave, "and return" after answering its question. When the "return" is used, whether a part of the slave's question, or because the Owner has ordered it, the slave comes back into the position and activity that it was performing when it left. The slave would not PRESENT when it returns, and, instead, would sit back down, lie back down, or immediately return to the activity being performed when it asked the Owner's intention.


6. COMMUNICATION

a. "SlaveMaster" is the SlaveMaster's role, title, and name. A slave will always refer to Him only as "SlaveMaster" or "The SlaveMaster" depending on how it is being used in a sentence, and to whom the slave is speaking.

b. A slave's primary reference to itself is always "Your slave" when speaking to its SlaveMaster. When speaking with others, a slave refers to itself as "this slave" and uses "it" as a secondary reference. A slave will never use the words "me", "my" or "I". The only exceptions are that a slave can say "my SlaveMaster", "my slave brother", "my slavery", "my Owner", or "my obedience".

c. A slave says "Sir, Yes Sir, Thank You Sir!" every time the slave:

i. Is given any acknowledgment

ii. Is told any piece of information, even if it doesn't affect it

iii. Has its speech or behavior corrected or explained

iv. Answers any question in the affirmative

The slave says "Sir, No Sir, Thank You Sir!" when its response is negative.

The slave may occasionally strengthen the response by responding, "Sir, Yes Sir, Thank You SlaveMaster Sir!". Another alternative when answering a question for information only is "Yes SlaveMaster, Thank You Sir!" These variations are intended to only be used appropriately, and cannot become a substitute for the normal response of "Sir, Yes Sir, Thank Your Sir!"

d. A slave never speaks unless spoken to. When the slave feels a need for the SlaveMaster's attention, the slave comes into the SlaveMaster's consciousness by:

i. PRESENTING itself appropriately, either full or standing

ii. Immediately asking only one time "SlaveMaster Sir?"

The slave expresses its request for the SlaveMaster's attention regardless of what the SlaveMaster is doing at the time. The request is presented in such a way as to not disturb what the SlaveMaster is doing at the time, but sufficient to make the SlaveMaster aware of the request.

iii. Awaits the SlaveMaster's acknowledgment

iv. If asking a "yes" or "no" question says "Sir, do You wish Your slave to...,Sir" (whatever yes/no question the slave has), beginning with "Sir" and ending with "Sir".

v. If asking to piss, asks "Sir, do You wish Your slave to take Your piss, Sir?"

vi. If tending to itself, asks "Sir, do You wish Your slave to take care of itself, Sir?" When the slave feels the need to do more then piss, like shaving, showering, taking a crap, etc., this is the appropriate question.

vii. The slave responds "Sir, Yes Sir, Thank You Sir!" no matter what the SlaveMaster's response to any question.

viii. If the question implies an action (as when the slave asks about pissing), the slave, after the normal "Sir, Yes Sir, Thank You Sir!" response, must complete what is then an order.

ix. If the question doesn't imply the slave's action, the slave must additionally ask "Sir, do You wish Your slave to continue Sir?" Again, the slave will respond "Sir, Yes Sir, Thank You Sir!" no matter what answer is given.

x. If the slave feels the need to ask a question that is longer than a yes/no question, the slave asks:

(1) "Sir, do You wish Your slave to ask a question Sir?"

(2) Awaits the SlaveMaster's response.

(3) Says "Sir, Yes Sir, Thank You Sir!"

(4) asks its question if the SlaveMaster's response was affirmative

xi. If the slave feels the need to make a comment, it asks:

(1) "Sir, do You wish Your slave to make a comment Sir?"

(2) awaits the SlaveMaster's response

(3) responds "Sir, Yes Sir, Thank You Sir!"

(4) makes the comment, if question answered in affirmative.

e. When the slave is already engaged in conversation with the SlaveMaster, the slave doesn't have to enter the SlaveMaster's consciousness by saying "SlaveMaster Sir?"

f. When the SlaveMaster has asked His slave a question, the slave doesn't need to ask the SlaveMaster's intention regarding making a comment,.

g. A slave refers to other slaves as "slave", as "slave (first name), "slave brother", or the BIRTH number of a BORN slave.

h. "Sir, beg Your pardon Sir" is the only way a slave expresses its accidental activities. A slave never says "sorry", nor "excuse me." It would be appropriate for a slave to use "Beg Your Pardon Sir" in a crowd when it has bumped into another.

i. "Sir, beg Your pardon Sir" is also the appropriate response when a slave didn't hear or clearly understand an order. A slave says "Sir, Yes Sir, Thank You Sir!" only when it fully understood the explanation or order and when it feels the appreciation for having it given it.

j. A slave enters into a conversation in the SlaveMaster's presence by asking "SlaveMaster Sir?" "Sir, do You wish Your slave to make a comment Sir?" This allows the slave into the conversation. The SlaveMaster might also directly invite the slave into the conversation with a sign, a word, a look, or a nod which indicates the Slavemaster's order to speak. The slave, as always, responds "Sir, Yes Sir, Thank You Sir!"

k. When speaking with the SlaveMaster, every sentence is begun and ended with the word "Sir", and EVERY pause filled with "Sir" whether for a breath, a new thought, or any other purpose. When there is more than one thought to express, the slave can use a single "Sir" between sentences so that two "Sir's" aren't expressed together. Thoughts are expressed clearly, succinctly, and without run-on. Each thought is ended, rather than held with "you know", "uh" or any other holder of speech. No holder of speech is ever used except for "Sir."

l. slaves are free to speak between themselves, even in the presence of their SlaveMaster, so long as it is not distracting, does not compete with what the SlaveMaster wants to express, can be immediately and easily interrupted by the SlaveMaster interjecting, and doesn't interfere with the position the slave is currently holding. Being PRESENTED is a non-moving position. Speech is not an excuse to move.

m. A slave can always ask for clarification and understanding. it can ask if the SlaveMaster is ready to receive its comments, but a slave does not ever argue!

n. In writing, any reference to a slave is always in the small case, even at the beginning of a sentence. References to persons of respect are always capitalized. The use of "I", "me", and "my" applies to writing, the same as in speech.

 

7. ORDERS

a. Every question a slave asks regarding the SlaveMaster's intention becomes an order once the SlaveMaster answers.

b. A slave PRESENTS itself to say with its presence that it has completed all orders, has no need for the SlaveMaster's attention, and is ready for the next order. When all current orders are complete, the slave comes within the SlaveMaster's line of sight, and presents itself. If the SlaveMaster is sitting or lying down, the slave presents itself in the standard way, fully PRESENTED, on its knees.. When the SlaveMaster is standing, the slave has the option to PRESENT itself STANDING, but can always fully PRESENT itself whenever that is what feels natural.

c. Anything else may be added as is deemed important. Further, as time progresses, through its training, advice will become orders for the slave. Some of those orders will include what the slave is to do between sessions to improve its life, to prepare for slavery. Ultimately, with BIRTH, the control is absolute, and life long. During the training, the orders deal with obvious improvements that should be made to prepare the slave for the responsibilities it will have after BIRTH.


8. BEHAVIOR

a. In general, a slave must learn and accept all slave behavior as being normal, and learns to behave in a way that IS natural-looking and feeling. Additionally, the slave always acts and responds to make the SlaveMaster look "right" about the orders He gives. A slave does not respond in any way that causes the appearance that the SlaveMaster has made a mistake. This is not a game of "gotcha."

The slave is considered a part of the SlaveMaster's body. The slave is to learn to act as naturally, with the same obedience, lack of attitude, and coordination as any other part of the SlaveMaster's body. To act any other way, is to act in a disabled, disrespectful, and disobedient way. A slave does not invite mockery nor criticism, and feels none when it is doing as ordered. If the slave cannot accept its behavior as normal, it is unfair to expect the public to accept it as normal. A slave always acts with dignity, and in a way that reflects positively on its Owner and its brothers.

b. A slave stands, no matter what the circumstance, whenever its SlaveMaster stands or enters the same room or space as a slave. Even if the slave has been told to "stay" or to "sit", that order is only good until its SlaveMaster next enters or stands.

c. When told to "sit", a slave sits on the floor. That is what "sit" means to a slave. When a slave is told to "lie down," it does so on a slave mattress or pad, not a bed. Beds and chairs are furniture which a slave is not authorized to use without being specifically ordered to do so.

d. A slave does not sit anywhere, at any time, without the specific order of its SlaveMaster, except for in a room designated as slave space. That space may be designated within the SlaveMaster's home, or at any other location. If such a space is not designated, then a slave is NOT free to sit. Even when in the slave space, if the SlaveMaster enters that space, the slave would immediately rise to the PRESENT position, and remain in that position until told to "continue" or until given another order.

e. A slave never begins to eat until its SlaveMaster has begun, AND everyone due respect who is within the SlaveMaster's communication or concern has begun. A slave's authority to eat is given when the SlaveMaster authorizes food to be prepared for the slave, or when a slave is authorized to order from a menu. A slave does not ask if it is its SlaveMaster's intention for the slave to eat when there is food sitting in front of the slave, but it doesn't begin to consume that food until all, except slaves, have begun. If any Master in the area is not eating, the slave must have an explicit order to begin eating. At an eating table, a slave stands PRESENTED, rather than fully presenting while awaiting orders to sit and begin.

f. A slave only uses the toilet the SlaveMaster has designated for it to use, and never uses the toilet seat, nor stands in front of that toilet to piss. When a slave uses the designated toilet, or any clean, private toilet, the slave lifts the lid and seat, then sits on the rim of the seat. Afterwards, the seat and lid are lowered.

g. When a slave feels the need for food or drink, the slave always asks its SlaveMaster His need first, then adds, "and Your slave?" A sample behavior would include:

i. PRESENTING appropriately, either full or standing

ii. Asking "SlaveMaster Sir?"

iii. Awaiting acknowledgment

iv. Asking "Sir, do You wish Your slave to get You some water Sir?"

v. Responding "Sir, Yes Sir, Thank You Sir!"

vi. Then adding "and Your slave Sir?"

vii. Again responding "Sir, Yes Sir, Thank You Sir!"

h. Whenever another slave presents, all slaves in the presence of the one who is required to PRESENT will PRESENT with that slave, i.e. a slave never watches another slave PRESENT itself, it joins the other slave in PRESENTING. Once PRESENTED, all slaves must wait for an order which allows each slave to move once again. The only exception is when the NON-PRESENTED slaves have been ordered to sleep and are in their ordered positions to sleep or when bound or otherwise encumbered in such a way that the PRESENTATION position cannot be physically achieved. PRESENTED slaves always align in an orderly fashion.

i. A slave walks to the left and about one step behind its SlaveMaster, with its hands behind its back. Even when walking, as always, a slave only speaks after it has requested "SlaveMaster Sir?", unless responding to its SlaveMaster's questions.

 
Going to wear something cute today since the weather is supposed to be nice. Tomorrow, back to chilly winter.


Didn't sleep that well. Beginning my day. Dressing nicely. Reflecting.
Before i sleep, this is important for... In my opinion, dubs took be aware of:
When you are misbehave, it's not your place too explain unless commanded to do so
Remember to learn and be grateful for the opportunity of One who corrects you our calls you our on behavior

Mentally prepare for punishment, and never ever take the risk of asking any questions

So... I've learned that along with numerous other thoughts this evening and it's more than just being "sorry" or hurt

Thinking about this as subs we must understand what Dominants have to deal with and it is about embellishing their lives

So.... As I rest.... Thinking...
my eyes are getting heavy...drifting into slumber. 
hoping to use the dream cycle to learn
and will write in the morning.


going to watch a tv program, then rest up for a busy day tomorrow :)


“She felt as though she were a statue of ashes—bitter, useless, damned—like the salt statues of Gomorrah. For she was guilty. Those who love God, and by Him are abandoned in the dark of night, are guilty, because they are abandoned.” 
― Pauline Réage

Story of O: A Novel

a micro order.
grateful

although this girl is absolutely heartbroken and contrite to have disappointed her Master she can only remain silent and obey and and all orders. 

and grateful for such


“A man in love ... is the master, so it seems, but only if his lady friend permits it! The need to interchange the roles of slave and master for the sake of the relationship is never more clearly demonstrated than in the course of an affair. Never is the complicity between victim and executioner more essential. Even chained, down on her knees, begging for mercy, it is the woman, finally, who is in command ... the all powerful slave, dragging herself along the ground at her master's heels, is now really the god. The man is only her priest, living in fear and trembling of her displeasure.” 
― Pauline Réage

Hotel California. One of my favorite songs. Odd; some reason I am breaking out in hives on my left hand and arm. Something I ate maybe? Certainly not from playing the piano and playing some great songs to get my energy out on before I head to bed soon.
My friend Jim the soldier send thoughts in most of way. Alexa turned red circle and played the song of his last text lyrics to me.
Took it out in the piano.. Love it. Played November rain and then pink Floyd great gig in the sky. 
I look wonderful tonight... Since the song playing now

Holiday...

I love short men. well , not looking for men  as i am owned happily BUT

just annoucement:

i love short men.

thank you
subs can be nags to Doms. in general. male subs, female subs. it is the subs job to improve constantly and make it their business to NOT nag and to be grateful for being Owned. 
whether one is summoned once per week, 3 times per week, once per month or less always remember:

(similar to paraphrasing Brave New World, one of my favorite Sci Fi books)

it is not easy being an Alpha!

Bernard Marx happens to be one of my favorite characters from BNW.


Keeping in mind as someone who switches with her husband and women, it is most certainly NOT easy being a Dom!

Keep that in mind, folks.

Respect. 

Each day be grateful.
my hair is in a bun. makeup. cute outfit.
middle of the night snack time.. back to slumber

Sir will speak to girl tomorrow :)) of course if He wishes.

Looking forward to it and always delighted to be greeted/spoken to by Him

Listeninig carefully, improving and continuing to make Sirs life more pleasurable and enjoyable as His property.

keeping myself at my best. and back to dreams of....

a very nice......
quiet evening... sigh
so, finished with work. now i have "me time"
contemplating heading out for a bit for a walk...

dressed cute :)
my skin is very soft....

used amazing body wash, body lotion, fragrance...hair products and leave in treatment that smells divine.
now...dressing...
Cant say how awesome 'Rings of Saturn' by Nick Cave is. the metaphors hit home.
located michael kors earrings i misplaced.
into the clawfoot bathtub. good news is this girl is awaiting news on some renovations! then, possibly heading to queens later for cheesecake factory. possibly. of course will dress fab. always ready. always on orders, prepared. and that and in itself is a privelege. lucky. fortunate.
listening to duran duran while in the bath...

gosh could i use an escapade to my "usual" AC high rise...i want to see the brightest sunshine reflect off of the ocean from 80 stories up. i want to wake and see blue water fade into blue skies

i want to bathe in the jacuzzi while i see the tides.
mmmmm... micro orders make a happy girl. going to sleep with a smile inside and out
micro does not in any way make them less important, but more of like a small truffle! taste really good but still as important!


new clothing. i am donating some gently worn clothing that is big on me. out with the old and in with the new. nice clothing i have for winter now.
just put my goosedown comforter into the beautiful duvet cover. put on my soft red satin sheets.

chores are finished. hoping to rest up.

oh, i miss driving. must get back behind a bus soon.

but i miss something else ...more...in a different way. :P
Last month: Morrissey concert.
He sounded the best he has sounded in years since he has been ill
Coincidence?
No. I think it was meant for me to hear him at his best. An unforgettable night, despite the complete and utter pain and lesson of dismissal. I managed to see and learn what I needed to. To grow, to learn more. To not be complacent. Each day is a reason to improve more. Never stop improving.
Find reasons and things that people like in you and expound upon them.
And in the innermost depth of your heart you will love.

Morrissey was surreal. I waited literally about 30 years to see him live. Growing up with classic rock, new wave and The Smiths being in a class of their own. Especially Johnny Marr's trademark style : pure genius. whether he did just a slide trick or combined with reverb tremolo and amps it doesnt matter. he learned on acoustic and perfected on electric. how soon is now is the first smiths song i really found that i could hear over and over and never tire of

ok back to work for me!
Shoe shine kit arrived today....
Ah the smell of shoe shine kit, brings back memories of : shoe shine
Seeking a gal who is a switch, sub, or curious. Someone who has a sense of humor and is ladylike. Somebody I can be myself around, and can get to know. :)
Chatting with my friend a lot today on text. She's funny and likes my sarcasm. Cool.
Enjoying the sunshine.... And resting my feet
Out and about
bit of a busy day today. heading to downtown after dr appt. 
Yawn.... Back to z😴 zzz
Sing me to sleep...
Sing me to sleep
-Morrissey 

:)
Nearing that time of month... My friend calls it shark week lol. 
:)
applying to a few long distance charter co's . 
looking forward to returning to work-i love driving
i'd love to sleep for about 12 hours straight...
https://youtu.be/b7G0acYVjSU interesting. although poly can get too poly (imo) tri/quad preferable.... 
some "me" time now. going to practice some music, in addition to doing some important tasks around here.
dressed cute and keeping warm. dressing for cooler weather does not mean frumpy!
tip decreases each moment that are late....grrr three months nearly trying to get this darn thing delivered....they charged me money...quick to do that!
grrrr....if my refrigerator does not show today, i feel quite sorry for the retailer..... lol. Domme mode: check

what to wear today.....guess black turtleneck with cute skirt and boots!
yay- UGG season is here! wearing them today. still awaiting inspector for home. grrrrr
grrr

awaiting french door refrigerator delivery but NO water line hookup today...also GRRRR

lolol
morning...
http://www.livescience.com/27129-polyamory-good-relationships.html

One does not need to be promiscuous to be in a good poly situation. Respect , communication and having the consent of partner(s) are vital


more here: http://www.lovemore.com/faq/


personally, i am not interested in men. i have an open marriage (husband) and a Dom. Very content.

However, the women I DO speak to, and if it leads to meeting, I clear with my Dom. There is no promiscuity

I have a date this weekend. I would not have one if there were not communication and consent by all parties.

respect, consent...happy
being part of the "MTV generation" I grew up with the Smiths

this was his first solo concert and the Morrissey I grew up with/Smiths. I waited almost 30 years to see him

but this concert i located on yt:

https://youtu.be/URWI3qrAvnk

he sounds so young! i like him better now
being here...was absolutely amazing

here it is in its entirety with klaus nomi intro!

https://youtu.be/wVkqzl39cOE
when god sings it is this:

https://youtu.be/-lrlm0dcl5k

lol


what i would have done to be at this amazing crowd!
life is too short to be too serious and uptight.
i have a great Dom and great subby husband. life is sweet. and a great friend whom i am taking out this weekend.
heard this song today for the first time in decades: (besides being a favorite song of mine)

The changing of sunlight to moonlight
Reflections of my life
Oh how they fill my eyes

[Repeat: x 2]
The greetings of people in trouble
Reflections of my life
Oh how they fill my eyes

[Chorus]
Oh my sorrows
Sad tomorrows
Take me back to my own home

[Chorus: x 2]
Oh my crying (Oh my crying)
Feel I'm dying, dying
Take me back
to my own home

The changing of sunlight to moonlight
Reflections of my life
Oh how they fill my eyes

I'm changing, arranging,
I'm changing,
I'm changing everything
Everything around me

The changing of sunlight to moonlight
Reflections of my life
Oh how they fill my eyes

The world is
a bad place
A bad place
A terrible place to live
Oh but I don't want to die ...



Read more: Marmalade - Reflections Of My Life Lyrics | MetroLyrics

 
enjoying the debate. Trump is such a Dom :)
never take life too seriously. live, laugh, love.
Very happy today. Although it is Sunday....usually... Sunday is a very special day for me! :::fingers crossed:::

The marks that Sir left this girl with during reinstatement scene are beginning to fade.

i will be writing in an entry soon about how important it is to be obedient. Burger King serves Burgers and fries, not Doms.

:)
Good Morning!
Realized what time it was after awakening to messages and  accidentally messaged Owner...
Smh!
let husband out of chastity after nearly a week , but going back in today or tomorrow. yay
one week flies by. happy to be happy...and happy to have Sir reinstating girl's position last week :)

however, it's been a long day and i'm a bit drowsy.

actually say to Dom: "hey how are You" :PPPP

Next installment is "How Not to Get Dismissed" 101

- do not speak in a buddy buddy manner :P


managed to find the Bottega Veneta eyeglass frames that a family member accidentally disposed of. ONE website had them, and they will arrive by the end of the month!!! I love those eyeglasses. I will have the lenses made at a nice place with transition features. :)
The eyeglasses in my photo with the makeup pencil are them. Can't wait to have my look back!
I look cute today!
"me" time... = quiet time. = :))) = now. = happy.
so breakfast arrives:
they give me ONLY a knife to eat with (am I Dexter or an animal?)
NO KETCHUP for potatoes
No pepper for eggs
yes i gave a fair tip

GRRRRRR
anyone know the cheapest place to get slax and blouses for dirt cheap? in a womens size ZERO or DOUBLE ZERO and XXS?
but for height of 5'8

um yeah.....dilemmas
hurricane is approaching Florida
friends dont let friends go to florida when hurricane comes
tie them up....do whatever it takes

dont go to florida!

stay safe folks in florida

me thinks this is gonna be a big one like in the dexter show ending. thoughts sent your way

come to nyc....

well wait- we gonna get big rains too

get thee to a high rise!
a bonus : Dom/mes/Tops/Owners/ect that possess a great sense of humor. bonus if they keep one on their toes. if one finds this rare unicorn of a person....do not attempt to overthrow their humor in any way.
you are not funny (they will always be better and funnier)
you will then or may then be viewed as the dreaded annoying sub!

don't be that annoying sub.
one can be honest and nervous, thus forgetting important details

so, in closing.....

enjoy life. enjoy that there are great people in our lives

show them each day that they are important to you!
today's focus:
continuing to be honest, open, obedient.
Don't be afraid to tell your Dom/Mistress/Top/ect exactly what is happening that could affect you. provided you arent annoying, you may find that your Top/Owner/ect will be compassionate and more. 
Because they are real people with real feelings it is important to respect them. and in return you do not get dismissed, released, ect

and in return your Top/owner/ect understands what exactly their sub/slave/ect is going thru .

no need to disclose every single thing, however.... as someone who is in control of YOU, it is important in certain aspects to inform them

:this is whats going on and how its affecting

now what and if they choose to act, ect is on them. and be grateful

if Dom invites you to dinner make it your business to show gratittude


if Dom invites you to vanilla gathering then be grateful and make it your business to show up . with a smile and more

be an example to your Mistress/Dom/me ect

be an example. be proud.
girl has Owner. harassing her is futile.
busy as a bee.
Was dreaming.... Back to dreaming now. And greeting Sir good morning later... And enjoying husband in continued obedience from him in his chastity Kali teeth device
finally! yes! ordered my beautiful refrigerator! saturday it will be delivered daytime, with the water line hookup! chose black over stainless steel.....its more "me"

celebating my week milestone of reinstatment

enjoying my husband in chastity kali teeth bracelet and behaving

all is well....:))))

asked Sir permission to speak to share excitement about the refrige that was supposed to be here in august...but will share with Him another time :)))

one happy girl .... 
Always be a conscientious listener when One gives advice. Follow direction. Focus of the day
if you are a cam girl, want money , or are not local please refrain from contacting me.
sigh....another individual who is a poser.... this "female" must be a cam girl or scammer. oh well
phew! paperwork done! woot woot!!
however if i go away for two weeks i will miss my husband, and Dom!!!! :::heart hearts:::
happy. :) today's focus was getting important things done. greeted Owner with morning and evening, which :)))
greyhound had a saying, old campaign years back "Go Greyhound and leave the driving to us"

they should go back to using it. leave the road rage to us? (kidding)
yes, i am actually one of those types of drivers, ESPECIALLY behind a CMV...that has the patience of a saint.

however, as a passenger i am quite annoyed on buses. lol
greyhound was bought /merged by first america = better retirement and options overall. finishing online paperwork
speaking without permission/out of turn is a punishable offense... 
one of the best nights of my life √https://youtu.be/wVkqzl39cOE

he is ill and has not sounded this good in MANY years at LEAST since 04

think he knew i was coming jk lol
just watched my recording from the Moz concert. Everyday is like Sunday . what memories.https://youtu.be/dYkPbhCOK7o
Morning....
It was a fun gals night out. Pizza :) . Heading back. Quite drowsy but happy
Enjoying the beginning of my evening out
just waiting for husband to arrive home so we can switch places...and i can do gals night out!
made time to get dressed nicely, along with some light makeup. now the choice: which lip color will i wear?
Have makeup on. Looking ready.
i'm not a big believer in fortune cookies, but here is mine today:

"Fear drives you and makes you better"

while fear literally is not the point, it is obedience, motivation ect ect ect

ironic i received this fortune with today's lunch :)
my husband can be so sweet many times. when he is not being naughty he says nice things to me (which he is very heartfelt about)

Look at what my husband said.. so sweet: he said...

The dynamic that you have with your Owner. It was so beautiful. Of all my years of watching porn I never saw a submissive like you. You are perfect and I yearn to experience that level of male submission one day.  Please allow me to watch more scenes in the future cause I love to watch you. You are great

Grateful.
My naughty husbands chastity device arrives today. Finally! He will be locked up on days for his naughty behaviour. He needs a mistress to. Anyone want a male sub for a week???.
In addition, he will be in the cage tonight while I'm out and the whole night. He's naughty with his slutty thoughts and is learning how to be more obedient.
My husband is going to be my slave for a whole  week too start. He is eager to learn more about behaving and such
Meanwhile... Girl returns to rest. In hopes of... . Dreaming of the other side of subspace grateful. for het owner
Happy for my husband. Husband enjoyed my scene, watching scene with Sir
a ha! got door opened.
interesting: husband wants me to make a Domme profile so I can share some experiences from Domme point of view.

However, He is in trouble. For sassing me. While I was on the phone. naughty naughty naughty!!! 
feeling like sherlock holmes. honing my lock picking skills of my own bathroom :P
a bit of a busy afternoon - as a lock on one of my doors is jammed, and my DH is trying to return a piece of furniture in time for store closing. in the midst of that, a phone call.... busy busy. 
things will iron out in an hour. :)
it's been almost 3 months.
:)
every day is like Sunday

every day is silent and grey

seems this girl took the Atlantic City weather with her...here to nyc
i never knew that Sir was such an expert in fireplay. was i afraid? yes. did i trust? yes, with nervousness at first...but then- when one realizes that trust can free, did i realize that in a large way it was ... a reward yet it was not.
see, a Top/Dom/Owner/ect does not "owe" anything. a "do-me" sub/bottom/ect won't get far.
it's about the big picture.
it's about reflecting afterward on the 'why, what, how' sort of like a case. one will close on it and reflect. and learn.
so in essence, an expert Dom is a very rare gem and it comes with time. time. time.

just as the other side of the coin: subs. one is not a sub at 19 who is able to have "done it all" sure, they might know their forte, what they like, ect

but- to be able to evolve and advance can only take...time
Girl drifts off to slumber.

back to my marathon of chores! lol. chore-a-thon place your pledges now to see how many chores are done

remember the boarding school inspections. they looked everywhere. they worked hard to find problems because it was their job

and their job made it my job and my business

to be professional


sunday.... 
sundays....

think i will start a trend:

summon sunday? everyday is like sunday?

(rule #54 : don't be a SAM)

shhhhh
dismissall was not 14 years, and although i was afraid of it being longer than a decade, took it in stride.
learned so much from it and was grateful for it because it gave me a very important 'reality check'

it also strengthened my marriage
and my service/reinstatement 

thus resulting in less complacency all around


during my very  very long dimissal i had to go thru what i did to then get to here, now...

and i learned more about orders during dismissal. 

dismissal is an order and a form of service. however do not interpret dismissal as a way in any way shape or form to ever ask, request to the Dom/me/Top/ect

because they will know and react

use it as in important warning. to learn. to adjust. to correct

dismiss- like children we are dismissed as kids from school for the day . however, we were to return the next day

unless you went to boarding school like i did where you lived there and it was 24/7 LOL literally
got a lot accomplished today. looking forward to girls night out on monday. wrote 3 staves of a new composition on the piano

working more on improving.


last week....
THIS

https://youtu.be/sEKO9oHU-bI?t=7m38s

um .... once in a lifetime. then there
i have the worlds hottest hot sauce. called flashbangs or whatever. they had to open plastic case to give it to me. its not very hot but tasty. probably cuz ive enjoyed spicy food my whole life. 3.5 mil Scovilles
ok. old doorways. deciding on Samsung foodshowcase series fridge 17 amd something or 19 and something CF. the saga lives on of the fridge that has taken a few months to arrive. had to cancel first delivery, await reissuance of gift card (gift from a friend of mine whom i've known since i lived upstate and was in CDL school) well neevr met this friend but i feel like i have gone thru life with him in ways. like he is someone i never met and was always and there for me for the "news" of life. like how many people can i say have travelled thru life with me? i dont have relatives, a MIL thats about it . but my relatives....nope. i learned how NOT to parent and am grateful for it. but, that aside: how many FRIENDS and loved ones can we say , and sit here and say "so and so ive known has known me " for nearly 20 years. its a darn good feeling. evern if they are just online friends they are just as real. 
my friend (RIP, watch those gates...) thing is here is an example:
a friend of mine, friend through a Mistress whom ive known for ages....intorudced me online to Jim. Nicknamed Jim The Soldier. Now I knew him back before his 1st TOD. anyway- so....i always wanted to and itnended to meet him. he got married had a son ect ect. buncha TODs and all good things but war changed him. understandably. he was a friend. so i find out one day after the superbowl he passed. now multiple TODs all survived. but he was unable to survive being a bicyclist . AND YES HE HAD A HELMET ON. was all over the news. point is: this man was a friend and him passing was JUST as much of a loss despite . a friend is important
Morrissey sang "Let Me Kiss You" and it was surreal. 
Has it been one week?
When "Everyday is Like Sunday" was played I felt like I departed the Milky Way as I touched the girls face upon the verse reflecting the dust on ones face...trudging over wet sand, by the bench where clothese were stolen...
ok- clarifying: what works for a person or people, what is important to them or even if it is natually who they are or part of who they are...well it should be respected. simple as that.
ah-quiet time!!! woot!
those sending emails disrespecting Protocol and my dynamic, seriously....i do not care. just because what works for me is Protocol, 3rd person, ect does not mean you need to insult it. do i insult the "50-shades'ers"? No! Perhaps folks haven't anything better to do. Respect the origin of Old Guard which then migrated into the het world under "Protocol" so do me a favor- while you jack off to WISHING you had THAT you cannot just slap a sticker on it...and this is in regards to MALES unable to READ emaling me lame attempts at insults calling THEMSELVES doms whom are, in fact DUMMES
doing chores. measuring door frame for new door. afterward, some peace and quiet and alone time to continue composing! i have an idea for a new piece (in addition to my numerous works and musical already)!!!!!
Haven't had a dream in a long time.....
Drifting to a blissful sleep.
A happy girl
starting to compose on the piano, along with making some changes to my musical compostion.

please: if you are male, i am not interested. (i have some friends of a platonic nature) but kindly respect that this girl is under consideration....

i will say consideration, as i've been summoned once...however, this journal will reflect some important aspects that I hope are informative to many people

- how to BEfriend, and be a friend to anyone
-how to respect and be ladylike in all situations
-even how to compose oneself as a Dom/me , switch

and lastly a lot about music

music can resemble a paint brush.


grateful, but learned a real lot.
tomorrow i plan to write some more musical compostion while notating it on the piano since i will have an evening to myself!

Morrissey sang this, and the precise moment and time that this was played was a one time and moment 'thing' then, there...a favorite of mine by Morrissey:


Take me out tonight
Where there's music and there's people
And they're young and alive
Driving in your car
I never never want to go home
Because I haven't got one
Anymore

Take me out tonight
Because I want to see people and I
Want to see life
Driving in your car
Oh, please don't drop me home
Because it's not my home, it's their
Home, and I'm welcome no more

And if a double-decker bus
Crashes into us
To die by your side
Is such a heavenly way to die
And if a ten-ton truck
Kills the both of us
To die by your side
Well, the pleasure - the privilege is mine

Take me out tonight
Take me anywhere, I don't care
I don't care, I don't care
And in the darkened underpass
I thought oh God, my chance has come at last
(But then a strange fear gripped me and I
Just couldn't ask)

Take me out tonight
Oh, take me anywhere, I don't care
I don't care, I don't care
Driving in your car
I never never want to go home
Because I haven't got one, da
Oh, I haven't got one

And if a double-decker bus
Crashes into us
To die by your side
Is such a heavenly way to die
And if a ten-ton truck
Kills the both of us
To die by your side
Well, the pleasure - the privilege is mine

Oh, there is a light and it never goes out
There is a light and it never goes out
There is a light and it never goes out
There is a light and it never goes out
There is a light and it never goes out
There is a light and it never goes out
There is a light and it never goes out
There is a light and it never goes out
There is a light and it never goes out

as the Genesis song goes

I see faces and traces of home back in New York City-
So you think I'm a tough kid? Is that what you heard?
Well I like to see some action and it gets into my blood.
The call me the trail blazer-Rael-electric razor.
I'm the pitcher in the chain gang, we don't believe in pain
'cos we're only as strong, as the weakesst link in the chain.
Let me out of Pontiac when I was just seventeen,
I had to get it out of me, if you know what I mean, what I mean.

You say I must be crazy, 'cos KI don't care who I hit, who I hit.
But I know it's me that's hitting out and I'm not full of shit.
I don't care who I hurt, I don't care who I do wrong.
This is your mess I'm stuck in, I really don't belong.
When I take out my bottle, filled up high with gasoline,
You can tell by the night fires where Rael has been, has been.

As I cuddled the porcupine
He said I had none to blame, but me.
Held my heart, deep in hair,
Time to shave, shave it off, it off.
No time for romantic escape,
When your fluffy heart is ready for rape. No!
Off we go.

You're sitting in your comfort you don't believe I'm real,
You cannot buy protection from the way that I feel.
Your progressive hypocrites hand out their trash,
But it was mine in the first place, so I'll burn it to ash.
And I've tasted all the strongest meats,
And laid them down in coloured sheets.
Who needs illusion of love and affection
When you're out walking the streets with your mainline connection? connection.

As I cuddle the porcupine
He said I had none to blame, but me.
Held my heart, deep in hair.
Time to shave, shave it off, it off.
No time for romantic escape,
When your fluffy heart is ready for rape. No!
 
Tomorrow I will head back to Manhattan
New insights...
Miss serving Owner
As I look to the sea from my bed ...
on week.
dismissal has been one week.
grateful that i have not been released, and certainly i do miss Owner.

not lookiing for any men, please pass me by.

i would never submit yet alone Protocol to men on the internet. that was a very unique and a situation where everything aligned in the time and space

and yes, i have learned immensely through this dismissal
yes, i am ready, willing, hoping

however my marriage is strong as well stronger


dismissal night 4 last journal entry of night:


trying to wonder if and what reinstatement invol

but it still is for the Dom to decide. so point It is not even in my position to begin to wonder what/if/how/when

it is for me to be 

READY
READY- 
contrite
improve, improved, improving

and nothing short of EVER beginning to speak out of turn LET ALONE make a single request. whether it be going to the bathroom or asking anything short of

how may girl be of service

i fall asleep with that

and 

'forgive  this girl'

drift thru my mind

and i think that dream i started having the other night.....well 

my high rise suite will be - and i will lie there nude on the windowsill
feeling the cold marble under me

just....
looking out the window...and ....

truly truly truly truly 

beyond remorseful but understanding the 
why 

and doing and IMPLEMENTING the WHAT

must rest so she can be up for her trip

and as i leave NYC each mile i will have time to reflect even more so  on the coach and will write more on my trip tomorrow

high rise photos to come

this girl knew the joy of slavery
this girl is grateful for her husband and gave him a strict spanking tonight
Ii am light yet strong.

and each day i awaken crying. but each day i awaken and progress. 

and one thing i will know that if i am LUCKY enough to be Owned/reinstated/

i will make it my business to constantly be the best and an example to Owner what a slave should be


this girl had an interesting evening at the Morrissey concert. this girl met another girl and other girl had her first kiss with me. this girl was naughty to break dismissal Protocol and speak without permission to Owner {dismissed}

this girl's husband stated two days ago:

'That music is deep and really getting to me. 

 

The lines  "this is who I am 

This is exactly what I was born to be. "

and "

I believe in the rapture cause I saw your face  "

 

You have always told me about your purpose on earth and your inner drive and mission in life. 


It makes me very sad, for your dismissal.


My husband has along with this girl been making more improvements and understandings

Tonight "there is a light that never goes out" was not played "let me kiss you" was not played
2 songs i would seriously cry during. perhaps Morrissey is an empath? wink

so many are. but its just one of my late night thoughts




as this girl heads to BK to see Morrissey....it will be spiritual and cathartic in a way

however, girl still misses Owner
i notice that i wake up with emotions. and then i write about them and then things even out.

there is a big difference between dismissal and release. i will elaborate more later.

dismissal is an *order* 

release is precisely what it sounds like: release. 
release is the absolute worse punishment and is not an order. 

dismissal is hope
dismissal is learning
dismissal is an order
dismissal is compassion
dismissal is edifying
dismissal is sorrow
dismissal is pain
dismissal is a lesson
dismissal is similar to a teacher for the duration
dismissal forges a slave into a better slave
dismissal has the capacity to Dominate and teach
dismissal is a reminder
dismissal is being prepared to be reinstated /summoned WITHOUT EVER beginning to ask or imply it

dismissal is knowing ones place
dismissal is maintaining while still showing oneself WORTHY of CONSIDERATION of any form of hope for any thing OR NOT

and so much more


my husband is doing chores as my slave . he is even more supportive each day but as i said in prior entries....he truly feels remorse for my dismissal. he understands i need to write alone now.
I've had a stomach and belly pain for about 4 days now approximately and it is inhibiting my appetite quite so
back to resume packing before the concert this evening. for the first time in my life ei do not care about The Smiths, Morrissey or even the fact that i have some of the best seats at this concert. i just want to write and also compose more of my musical composition.

but when i get there tonight perhaps i may find a moment... 

i'd much rather be doing something else.


this girl always goes away to the same place on Sunday
when she goes away

but Sunday was previously often a day of serving

the Atlantic City weather i always get is grey and rainy. ALWAYS
it is here in manhattan today
irony?

perhaps.

i will visit the lighthouse tomorrow and climb up it again. then look out of the light house to the water

my suite will be very high up as well and i will awaken to bright sun 

i will have my own powder room and bathroom and i will spend a lot of time in silence. i think i will be inspired to write more music.
on the coach tomorrow, i remember being approached by Sir on last trip. how joyous it was. each mile flying by

i await the second coming... similar

oh god hear the words of my  mouth

those above are sacred words.

when Morrissey sings dear god please help me tonight and there is a light that never goes out ...i just don't know

i don't have flowers to toss on the stage. i just have no interest in even trying to meet someone i have been wanting to meet for about 30 years

lifelong smiths fan

i don't care if he offered me his bus, to sing with him or anything. 

time is like a dream, and now for a moment you are mine


day 3 of dismissal

tonight is the Morrissey concert. this girl is not that excited to go, and is not going to try to meet Morrissey after the show. no flowers for Morrissey, other than the bouquet that i plan to toss on the stage color blue

if anything, i think i will be sad at the show especially when "Everyday is like Sunday" comes on and "There is a light that never goes out" "asleep" and "speedway" are played

in fact, right now....this girl's dismissal and days are a Morrissey/Smiths song

the absolute anguish, sadness, at the innermost pit of my being that i feel is beyond any concert, high rise trip to Atlantic City

as i open the door to the high rise tomorrow all i will think about is my Owner who dismissed me.
How i wish that  He would visit me (were girl not dismissed)

How the water view of the ocean outside my bedroom in the morning with the marble big enough to lie nude on

There will be no celebrating my slavery. because there is no Master. yes, this girl worked out so much with her husband, and her husband is Empathetic and understanding

but my freedom is something i must live with

and a consequence of human actions

were i to collect tears i am certain they Would add up

packing for my trip is sad. its difficult. 
packing the suitcases.

it won't be warm enough to swim in the ocean they say
well some cold water will be good for this girl
"I believe in the rapture cause I saw your face" Nick Cave  
Lyrics ..I don't know where you found this guys music but it's almost written for your relationship with your Owner
It makes me very sad, for your dismissal.


--------------------
Text I received from my husband. 

My husband and I wrote more about our wants and needs
We also have been working on a lot

However, the bus ride tomorrow will be absolutely sad 

Wish I did not have to go to the concert tonight.  I will just realize that right now my life is  a Smiths song
day 3 of dismissal

tonight is the Morrissey concert. this girl is not that excited to go, and is not going to try to meet Morrissey after the show. no flowers for Morrissey, other than the bouquet that i plan to toss on the stage color blue

if anything, i think i will be sad at the show especially when "Everyday is like Sunday" comes on and "There is a light that never goes out" "asleep" and "speedway" are played

in fact, right now....this girl's dismissal and days are a Morrissey/Smiths song

the absolute anguish, sadness, at the innermost pit of my being that i feel is beyond any concert, high rise trip to Atlantic City

as i open the door to the high rise tomorrow all i will think about is my Owner who dismissed me.
How i wish that  He would visit me (were girl not dismissed)

How the water view of the ocean outside my bedroom in the morning with the marble big enough to lie nude on

There will be no celebrating my slavery. because there is no Master. yes, this girl worked out so much with her husband, and her husband is absolutely saddened for me as well

but my freedom is something i must live with

and a consequence of human actions

were i to collect tears i am certain they would equate a gallon

packing for my trip is sad. its difficult. 


the CS Mistress who approached me did not choose me for consideration

off to dream

Nick Cave's song about Rings of Saturn....yeah that sums up me. Turn it on.
...and if a double decker bus, crashes into us, to die by your side would be a wonderful way to die

..there is  a light in your eyes that never goes out


-moz


not excited about tonight. or leaving tomorrow for Atlantic City

life is not the same with out a Master

managed to eat a meal today. improvement. first in a few days.
girl being unowned, was approached my a Mistress
although it would never be the same chemistry, dynamic, well someone would want me


remorse.
tonight is the morrissey concert and i have absolutely no feelings about it

morrissey could come up and offer me dinner out, and i could care less

there is a light that never goes out

what a long day this has been

as i drift off to sleep

my husband supportive and empathetic during this dismissal process

just. do not have any interest in morrissey or the stupid high rise.
today girl reflected on dismissal

her husband relates tp her dismissal

my husband texted me today:


The lines this is who I am 
This is exactly what I was born to be.  (rings of saturn , nick cave)

You have always told me about your purpose on earth and your inner drive and mission in life. 

I don't have one. I don't know my purpose, I have delusional economic thoughts and ideas but no goal or drive to obtain that goal. 

I envy you, and realize I am lost inside.  
Full Day 2 of dismissal begins


day 1 (full day) of dismissal:

-began writing dismissal journal
-reflected a lot
-began writing a new piano composition with some operatic sections for my voice. lyrics coming

-improved with my husband immsenely

-obeyed Sir's order (the last order this girl had) and had body jewelry changed out. also increased gauge size in nipple jewelry

-cried after doing it because realizing i was out of orders and alone, free.... there were some men who were looking at me today who seemed to be able to pick up on my vulnerability


-lastly love this song:

Upside down and inside out and on all eights
You're like a funnel-web
Like a black fly on the ceiling
Skinny, white haunches high in the sky
And a black oily gash crawling backwards across the carpet to smash all over everything
Wet, black fur against the sun going down
Over the shops and the cars and the crowds in the town

And this is the moment, this is exactly where she is born to be
Now this is what she does and this is what she is
And this is the moment, this is exactly where she is born to be
This is what she does and this is what she is
Her eyes that look at me through a rainy hair
Two round holes where the air buckles and rushes in
Her body, moon blue, was a jellyfish
And I'm breathing deep and I'm there and I'm also not there
And spurting ink over the sheets but she remains, completely unexplained
Or maybe I'm just too tongue-tied to drink it up and swallow back the pain
I thought slavery had been abolished
How come it's gone and reared its ugly head again?

And this is the moment, this is exactly what she is born to be
And this is what she does and this is what she is
And this is the moment, this is exactly what she is born to be
This is what she is and this is what she does

And this is the moment, this is exactly what she is born to be
And this is what she does and this is what she is
And this is the moment, this is exactly what she is born to be
Then this is what she does and this is what she is

And now she's jumping up with her leaping brain
Stepping over heaps of sleeping children
Disappearing and further up and spinning out again
Up and further up she goes, up and out of the bed
Up and out of the bed and down the hall where she stops for moment and turns and says
"Are you still here?"
And then reaches high and dangles herself like a child's dream from the rings of Saturn
Rings of Saturn by Nick cave and the bad seeds e-mails me...the song  resonates
I remain.....
:::::remains silent:::


today i am heading to the village to get my jewelry changed out. it was an order that i will follow - change my nipple jewelry
i am going to have the day out today.

i will think of Sir and a girl can wish

i will hold my head up high

i will continue to be strong

i will continue to hope

i will continue 

also i was given an interview by a bus company just have to schedule it

looking forward to going back to work. really happy
this girl is heartbroken

she hangs her head down crying


curled in a ball




https://youtu.be/yOlk1UasYRE

song of the day

love the part where he kisses his own poster after showing the people....is this what you idolize, he thinks. after kissing the sign of HIMSELF he does a big grin 

Going to the concert Saturday

I'm certain it will be a most exhilarating experience
in thought....
1- this girls Dom has full access to all of this girls computer and such. 
2-no men. respecting another Master's property is polite and i know polite is not on here.i do not answer men.

3- this girl is OWNED by a MASTER . a Master cannot be female, that would be a Mistress, Duchess or similar FEMALE title of Supreme nature.


“She was waiting for more than permission, since she already had permission. She was waiting for an order.” 
― Pauline Réage

Story of O: A Novel



found a relic Mix CD this girl made with inspiration MANY YEARS Back for her Owner. before she was Owned by Owner but under consideration. before her dismissal where she endured the torture of freedom (pains her to think about it)

Kiss the rain , a song from the late 90s is playing

and it's perfect for right here, now, as thie girl drifts off to rest.

this girl - her life has always always always existed to serve. and is happy by learning and IMPROVING constantly. 

i cant wait to go back to driving the bus.

maybe Sir will let girl pick him up in the SETRA! of course girl has NOT ONE DOUBT that Sir could drive the Setra.


She was no longer free? Yes! thank God, she was no longer free. But she was light, a nymph on clouds, a fish in water, lost in happiness.” 
― Pauline Réage

Story of O: A Novel




“She was waiting for more than permission, since she already had permission. She was waiting for an order.” 
― Pauline Réage

Story of O: A Novel



and this quote...
reflects the catharsis of servitude and losing oneself

“As a matter of fact," the other voice went on, "if you do tie her up from time to time, or whip her just a little, and she begins to like it, that’s no good either. You have to get past the pleasure stage, until you reach the stage of tears.”  -Pauline Reage , Story of O

“Her freedom was worse than any chains.” 
― Pauline Réage

Story of O: A Novel



“He whom one awaits is, because he is expected, already present, already master.” 
― Pauline Réage

Story of O: A Novel

“The chains and the silence, which should have bound her deep within herself, which should have smothered her, strangled her, on the contrary freed her from herself.” 


sleeping in my cage tonight.....
Drifting off to sleep. Will forever remember last night. Knelt for forty minutes with arms parallel, palms up while He slept. Was on floor till crawling into foot of bed in bliss. Knowing He was resting well. Mmm
This girl is under self imposed silence wishes, to be silent. In order to be a better slave to Master , this Property considers her Owner and wishes to perfect herself until He summons Her. Thus girl will remain silent in hope and until she is at her place at his feet. This Property pleads for mercy silently in hopes of any orders but shall not ever ask her Owner.