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The Largest BDSM Community on the Planet

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Hetero Female Submissive, 32,  FSM, Arkansas
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Non-monogamous. I am utterly devoted to independence. I enjoy hurty things that make me cry. Im irreverent and dont have much patience for ego stroking.

I have a life and its not moving cross-country.












 Submissive Female



 5' 3"

 275 lbs






Actively Seeking:

Dominant Transgender

Dominant Female

Dominant male



 Rear End Play


 Horror Movies



 Intellectual Discourse



 Lifestyle BDSM




 Local BDSM Community

 Erotic touch

 Fire Play

 Housework Service

 Mental Bondage



 Pony/Puppy Roleplay

 Public Play




 Science Fiction

 Simulation Games



 Alternative Music

 Rock Music

 Modern Paganism


 Old Guard

 Polyamory (Expert)

 Curious About:


 Medical fetish play

 Speech Restrictions


 Body Art

 Soap Making

 1950s Lifestyle


 Orgasm Control





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Journal Entries:
3/17/2018 9:16:26 AM
I've found that I've mellowed a bit over the last two years. I'm less interested in engaging with random assholery. I'm also less tolerant of it in my life. I've been craving a kind of intimate dominance I'm unlikely to find I think. At least not without time, effort and cultivation. And I'm so tired of engaging with the community in all its mass of problems. I find myself wanting to sit and lay my head on someone's knee. Overenthusiastic penis, fantasy enforced bravado and misogyny remind me often that rando's ain't worth shit.

7/29/2016 11:15:20 AM
Every time I see "Hello sub/slave/slut" I really, REALLY wanna respond with "Hello erect penis!"

4/5/2016 11:11:28 PM
Ever feel like you tend to hop between extremes? I usually don't. But after so much time away suddenly I've been thinking about consensual non-conventional, blanket consent and higher structured relationships more. What works, what doesn't. Of course idealized relationships are next to useless-- you can visualize them all you want, but people are not made to order. Still it's something I've been thinking about. I'm torn between really liking the idea and knowing it'd most likely be really bad for me overall.

1/22/2016 2:33:17 PM

I'm not really a sub.

I want to see the people I love happy. I want us to feel fulfilled. I want to take care of you and feel like I've contributed to something we both love. When I've made the decision that you're mine I will settle and soothe your hurts. I will attempt to move mountains inside and out at the asking.

But I'm not giving up myself. I believed for years that what I wanted wasn't as important and I didn't prioritize it. It's made hurts. I'm not trying to lash out aor degrade whatever you're looking for but I will question you when you hand me canned concepts. I'm not a container (though there are times I will beg you to objectify me to calm an urge for emptyness). I've had enough of pressing my lips shut because someone does something stupid, or because I'm not satisfied, or out of fear that you might question my sexual identity.

So no, I'm not a good girl, a little girl, or a baby girl. I have cattitude, bills to pay and an opinionated brain that doesn't always connect at the mouth. I don't wanna dominate you, tell you what to do or control you. Sometimes I'm going to feel childlike but fuck you still, you don't get to see that until I decide that it's safe, until I feel it's safe. Because insides are fragile and need to be protected.

I want to feel intensity, even when it hurts--- and sometimes especially when it hurts. When we've decided to trust then there are barriers begging to be pushed and screamed and clawed at, but that's miles away still. And not to be cute (because I hope it makes you happy) but I can't get there in a week.

I want to feel safe as you force me and smile but I have no interest in your white vans, head bags or fake/real intimidation tactics. The knife doesn't scare me, if you're gonna bring it out then use it---- but just staring at a pretty blade isn't going to do shit. Use your hand, it's the only thing that I've been craving. I want to be wild and pursued over time (because wooing is a romantic concept that multiplies itself) but I dont need to run wild through the woods pretending you're some mighty monster. Most of us have enough of those in our own heads.

I've heard you on the wind trying to fit parts of pieces of those things into "submissive". Lets skip the hack job. I can't point you to a wikipedia, tumblr or personal asshat page to define my identity. I'm sorry, but it's going to be more complicated than that.

12/18/2015 1:03:41 PM

I'm not tame. I don't have any real desire to be.

I want to be surrounded by people who are alive, who fight for what they want and don't mind struggling for it. I don't want it to be pretty or neat or elegant. I don't have pretty words for you, I don't want to pet any fragile sense of self. I don't need you to bolster mine. I don't want to harm you or cause damage, but I want to see you awake and with me. Teeth and claws are part of the deal. Lets decide what our sane looks like.

I'm not a brat or a child or a pet. I won't be patted on the head or sent to a corner.

Struggle with me until we both calm and want to rest together. I don't need to win, I don't really want to gain control, but I won't give in easily either. Lets write our own rules and make our own scars. Lets leave handprints on each other spelling out our names. I can give as good as I can get, I don't want to hide behind you or be protected. There will come a time for soft touches and soothing words, but there's a dance to be done first and many after the calm times.

I can accept your uglyness if you can accept mine. Lets remake it into a feral kind of beautiful.

11/4/2015 7:14:12 PM
91% Primal Prey
89% Masochist
89% Submissive
86% Girl
85% Bondage receiver
85% Ageplayer
83% Experimentalist
83% Brat
81% Pet
57% Switch
47% Sadist
46% Slave
38% Non-Monogamist
31% Degradation Lover
28% Primal Hunter

10/9/2015 10:00:17 AM
I am most likely not what you're looking for but I'm happy to talk with you to find out for sure. I don't search for partners, I will never look for a dom. I believe in talking to people and getting to know them and seeing where that goes. If that upsets you then I'm not really sorry. 

I don't believe in rushing or in dependency. 

I'm straightforward and I will call you on your shit if I smell it in my inbox. On the other hand, I love intelligent conversation. 

4/29/2015 8:58:01 AM
So, I'm not a fan of 50 shades but if you're gonna start talking about how it just ruined the BDSM community then I would expect you to not have anything about Gor on your profile, either. Or the Story of O. Venus in Furs. Marquis DeSade... 

Kinky peeps have been kinky book nerds for quite a while longer than most of us have been around. 

4/8/2015 7:36:14 PM

== Results from ==
96% Experimentalist
87% Primal (Prey)
84% Girl/Boy
84% Primal (Predator)
83% Masochist
79% Switch
75% Submissive
68% Sadist
62% Brat
45% Slave
41% Bondage Receiver
41% Degradation Receiver
38% Bondage Giver
38% Daddy/Mommy
34% Degradation Giver
33% Brat Tamer
29% Dominant
25% Master/Mistress
20% Exhibitionist
16% Non-monogamist
16% Vanilla
14% Pervert
12% All-Rounder
8% Voyeur
See my results online at

12/18/2014 12:56:04 PM
So switching. 

I don't really consider myself a switch, but it's the most accurate term for someone who occasionally tops and bottoms. I prefer bottoming, but it's been a few years since I made any effort to present myself as submissive. I don't think the words have much meaning at all. 

When people ask me if I'm a slave or a sub I...kinda giggle. Because I don't recognize any difference between them. I don't have time for fetish fantasies outside of the small space of time it takes me to masturbate. And I don't need help there. 

I am...flexible. Occasionally feral and usually playful. I want to find people that ignite things in me. I know where I've been and what I've done. There's no reason anymore for me to try to prove how submissive I am. How devoted. How pretty. How sexy. How obedient. You can't really prove those things over the internet, and why would I ever want to for strangers?

This sounds an awful lot like justification.

12/3/2014 10:23:38 AM

Do not ask me if I've been trained.

BDSM is a consensual, mutual arrangement. I have had intense, fulfilling amazing relationships that have included power exchange, sadomasochism and a lot of fun. I've changed for and because of my previous partners and they've done the same.

No. I've never trained. I've been beaten and sliced and knelt adoringly in front of a select few pairs of legs. I have had experiences and relationships and I will not have them degraded into something less, into something you can form into your four square fantasy.

"Training" is bullshit. 

10/12/2014 9:16:16 AM

I'm not searching for anything. I'm open to friends and I'm active in my local community for events. To me searching implies that you're going to find something and I just don't think that's the case. Relationships are built and grown. Kinky people are not so rare that people need to hunt under every rock and I don't believe we ever find someone that's going to be a perfect fit out the gate. That's magical thinking.


Every time I've gone out searching for something I've found exactly what I thought I wanted...only to find out that it wasn't. The unfortunate part of all that however is that both people have to bend a little bit.

10/9/2014 8:25:07 AM
While I totally respect that CM is the main source of fantasy-fap-fodder for the internet bound and the socially challenged, there are some personal boundaries issues that you might consider. 

I'm not going to discuss child sexualization, impregnation or anything that involves children with you. It's gross. It's not sexy and I will block you. 

9/29/2014 4:03:11 PM
So I went to a pretty awesome kink seminar on ritual and protocol. I was impressed. I love structure but it really squicks me in public spaces. Luckily, this wasn't a protocol oriented event, just an event that talked about protocol. It was so nice to discuss the topic without the posturing. 

Made me kinda sigh a bit because yeah, I miss it. 

8/1/2014 10:23:38 AM
Whatever the heck a "DOMINATE" is, I'm pretty sure I want no parts of it. 

7/1/2014 8:15:14 AM
I think the worst feeling in the world when you're searching is when you're needy. Suddenly finding yourself questioning if you really need to be that picky, if you really need to wait the extra week. It sucks.

At one time I really bought into this idea of sub frenzy. This special space that new or in need subs found themselves in. It sounded almost mystical. I believe one online website described it as a mating drive? Good god, the things we finds ourselves believing when we're young and stupid. It made everything sound special. We were special and had special needs that only special people could fulfill. 

I looked back in my journal today. I'm not quite as cynical now as I used to be. I'm far more pragmatic. Sometimes I envy the noobs who live in their fantasies. That's a hard blow when you start to realize what's realistic and what's not. Part of the dream dies. 

I'd like to hope that leaves room for making your own. 

6/24/2014 8:42:25 PM
I read on one of those hippy-dippy bloggy things once that some people have a tendency to over-defend their own boundaries. Instead of standing up for themselves they tend to drop a ton of bricks on anyone that might be a real or imagined threat. 

It's been a terrible week and I'm feeling the need to get beaten followed by a cuddle. Strangely though, not even random hateful messages are bringing me down tonight. It's easy to forget sometimes how heavy all that negativity is. 

Here's hoping you're happy and have someone to cuddle you tonight. ;) I'm gonna go grab a puppy for a zombie movie marathon before bed. 

6/16/2014 7:37:46 PM
So, on the whole "tolerating polyamory" thingy. I've been poly. I rode that horse. Several times. I've lived full time in a triad, and in poly groups. And I came to the conclusion that yeah, it can work, it might event make some people happy but the majority of the people out there aren't suited for it. There's a fuckton of couples out there that don't give a flying fuck about anything outside of a cunt, a mouth and no questions. And that's just shitty. Relationships do not, can not and should not work like that. And fuck yes, I'm judging you. I'm open to playing with people who practice ethical nonmonogamy. I'm not particularly jealous and not every relationship people have is going to be the be-all end-all. But I won't be a unicorn. Not really looking to be anyone's second, third or fourth love interest. 

6/15/2014 6:52:03 PM
TBH the whole friend circle thing and people collecting hundreds of female-identified images on their profile? It's kinda creepy. Shoo shoo. None of that shit.

6/8/2014 5:54:57 PM

Maybe it's me but I find it a little funny when people say they have such a good understanding of "the roles", "the dynamic", "the lifestyle". It took me a while to figure out... most of that is BS. The roles are what you make them and my definitions of what a slave and a dom and a whosewutsits aren't gonna be the same as yours. Needs some more talking beyond that.


I guess people get comfort from simplifying it down. 

6/8/2014 5:47:28 PM

Profile is back from the dead. It's been a while. 

4/12/2011 6:46:21 AM

This user does not respond to form messages.

:P Pbbbbbbbt!! 

3/5/2011 8:17:25 PM

Anyone else think "Naturally submissive" (!!!) sounds like the opening to a breakfast cereal commercial? No artificial sweeteners, additives or preservatives!


** I should probably mention; yes, I'm considering a couple at the moment...and while I am poly, the vast majority of people don't interest me, and CM doesn't have a box for what does. Focussing on what I have now. They don't have clickable boxes for play partners or Daddy's. 

2/24/2011 12:22:42 PM

*snerk* I must come off as terribly scary. 

2/20/2011 3:27:55 PM

Anyone else a little bit disgusted at some of the uses of the word "Daddy" here? Everyone being sexual creatures and this being an adult website I do understand a certain level of crassness.. But I'm sorry, if you're calling yourself "Daddy" quickly followed by "not looking for anything serious", "degradation", "dirty little whore" and "use/throw away" I'm forced to come to the conclusion that you've completely missed the point and any knowledge you may have has been obtained through B-porn movies.

Oh well. If definitions were universal we wouldn't have nearly as much to bitch about. 

2/19/2011 11:03:50 AM

Y'know, I do see you lurking.

I've been horrible at correspondence this week. Sorry, I'e had a big bad mood sneak up on me. I don't do very well when I'm not feeling productive. You'll notice I've removed pictures. All I was getting as a results of posting them was spam and the attention of the illiterate. 

Oh yes, and I hate these things but someone on _etlife suggested it so I thought why the hell not?


2/5/2011 5:29:56 AM

New policy: Due to the new and stringent guidelines defining what qualifies as a "True" or "Real" submissive I regret to inform you that...I am made of paper mache. So sorry.

I'm talking to a rather lovely couple lately, which surprises me considering the utter contempt I hold for most couples searching for thirds. User based Dichotomy. Still, we'll see what happens.

I had to skip out on what I'd planned to be my first lifestyle event. Sick at home with a throat-thing. I'm told that a good number of the people heading to Orpheus switched to the Crucible at the last minute so maybe that was for the best.

Once again, who knows how many times this has come up... What defines a "Strong person"? What Defines a "Strong Submissive"? The obvious answer would be that the answers are the same... but you know, I don't think so. Dependency will always be a factor. I don't think I'm much of either. 

1/29/2011 3:14:59 PM

Just to, I'm actually not more independent than most subs. I just happen to be mouthier. 

1/29/2011 5:53:50 AM

For once, I'm not trying to be rude, I'm not trying to be glib, I'm not trying to make fun of anyone. If you give titles away or demand them simply because you slap a label on yourself on the internet (regardless of how many years you may or may not have practicing BDSM)... what possible value could the title have?

I don't understand it, I don't agree with it, and I'm not going to throw those words around like they're meaningless. They are *not* meaningless to me, and I hope they mean something to you. When I do actually use Sir/Ma'am/Master it's a sign of varying degrees on respect. They mean different things. 

You can tell me anything you want, you can expect what you want... I don't have to listen because you *don't* own me. I still get to choose who I respect that much. And it takes more than a Collarme membership, a picture and a profile.  


1/27/2011 11:41:49 AM

Let's discuss the word "Lifestyle" shall we? I'd prefer to never have this discussion again. 

I know some people think it's unbelievably lame and misleading to call it that, but if you're looking for bedroom only...I'm not your girl, sorry. When I use the word lifestyle I'm usually referring to full-time M/s or D/s relationships. Some of the more obscure meanings might veer into general BDSM but for the most part you get the idea. Very rarely I might refer to polyamory as a lifestyle but it's not the big one. This a BDSM website, unless you specify I do assume that other peoples definitions are similar. TIH has some similarities and I don't have any objection to it, but it's somewhat more...conservative than what I'm used to, and (again) that's not what I'm talking about.

Why does that matter? I have chosen to pursue this. All my relationships have always been consensual, on one notable occasion even contractual. I hope yours are too and if they're not then please find your local SARC.

If you have intention of thought about raising children to be slaves or to have an interest in BDSM then you've crossed over into cultish fantasy. Children and BDSM don't mix. No, there's no exceptions.

*shudder* Squicky.

1/25/2011 9:14:22 AM

Once every so often I have to stop and ask myself if it's really worth it.

The answer I usually get from my inner snark is that it's too late and there's no point in turning into a chicken shit now.  

1/20/2011 5:47:47 AM

There’s an inherent problem in dating couples that usually makes me avoid them. I’ve considered a few, but I’ve always been far to cautious about that particular configuration to go that far. Usually it ends up hurting the third, and hurting them in most of the same ways for everyone. And it really fucking sucks.

First off I will say in my opinion, any relationship, D/s, M/s, poly, that does not meet the needs of all the people involved…is a failed one provided it doesn’t have room to grow to change that. There is simply no point in maintaining a relationship where every persons happiness isn’t a priority.

I got a wonderful message from a somewhat younger couple (younger than we usually see for poly houses). They were looking for a potential live in sub to be Dominated by both of them. Sub has her own room, all sexual contact with the sub will be with both of them, presumably the couple keeps right on having relations between the two of them at the same time. I don’t know, I was told I was horribly rude for asking. 

First impression, OMG, I’ve seen their former sub crying her eyes out on the forums. This sounds familiar. It’s the Modus operandi for just about every set of cliché fucked up “Run, bitch, run” Unicorn Hunters out there. Not that there’s anything wrong with Unicorn hunters, some people embrace the label, and some of them have a whole heck of a lot healthier mindset about the whole thing. Clearly this journal isn't about this particular couple so much as a trend. 

Needs. People have them. And established couples aren’t especially known for their stability…especially ones who mention from the get go that they’re looking for a skewed type of group fidelity at some point. In fact their known somewhat well for neglecting the needs of a third as being a secondary partner. I’ve seen triads work, I’ve open poly work, and for some amount of time yes, even that particular “pet” scenario can work. 

I just personally find it absolutely fucking disgusting that you’d use another person like that. I’ve been on both sides of that, in a couple looking, as part of a group when a new girl came in and as a single considering both couples and groups… And it’s just not right. People have needs, they shouldn’t be forgotten or their happiness valued less than other people in a relationship. [DISCLAIMER: I don't give a flying fuck what your dynamic is if I'm not involved with it. I hope it makes you happy.] And I say that taking into consideration Doms as well. A Dom is not more of person than me, they are not greater, any power they have is willingly given to them. I’m a big fan of the “equal but not congruent” model. Being someone’s equal does not mean that I’m treated the same. At all. 

Well, now that I’ve pissed another large group of people off and advertised that I’m clearly doin’ it wrong… Time for school-type things. I need a nap. Also, I scared my play partner the other day when I asked him about the Vagina Monologues. I think I heard him cross his legs over the phone. I don’t think he realizes that there’s most likely going to be nude women on stage.

1/19/2011 6:52:59 PM

Exercises in positive thinking. OKC has this wonderful section titled, "You should message me if". This is not a direct cut/paste from there, I imagine the responses I'd get would be somewhat more varied if it were. I've been doing some in depth thinking this week and I thought I could use some positivity. So here's some things I do want to find. 

  • Doms who like smart/witty/sarcastic women. *snickers*
  • O/p Dom/mes or couples.  
  • People who identify as a Daddy Doms in any way.
  • People interested in play partners without having sex.
  • Dom/mes between 25-40
  • Girls either physically or mentally who'd be open to doing vanilla things while talking in public about dirty, dirty kinky things we've done in last week. We can stretch it to things we wish we'd done on slow weeks. While giggling like little girls. 
  • You're within 100 miles of Baltimore
  • If you have a  _etlife and you'd enjoy bickering with me over some of the debates there I'd probably like to find your nick. 
  • Anyone at all who can point me in the general direction of a poly group in Maryland that's in no way attached to any of the major BDSM groups/Dungeons.
  • You've seen something on my profile you want to debate with me on. 
Oh whoops. That didn't sound "unsublike" did it? :P 

1/16/2011 5:57:44 AM

I will keep the snark to a minimum... I will not insult anyone... I will keep the sarcasm to a minimum... Oh fuck it. Now I'm laughing *and* rolling my eyes. 

1/15/2011 6:22:16 PM

Independence. "I admire your independence." "You seem like someone I don't have to give constant attention to." " Submission. "If you don't do what I tell you to right now, you're just playing games." "Why would a submissive want to be difficult?"

I have to tell you, I think a lot of the views on submission out there are absolute bullshit. So are most of the people. There's nothing wrong with that of course. When you have any wide open subject that's potentially taboo you're going to have some differing views on definitions.

I've been thinking on it a lot more lately. I'm not a particularly independent person. As a matter of fact, I'm a dependent personality. If a D/s relationship doesn't allow, encourage and support the level of codependence I associate with that level of trust I consider it a which case I sure as hell hope you're good with a flogger because if not I don't see what I'm getting out of it.

That sounds awfully selfish, doesn't it? I suppose it is a selfish idea. But people as a whole are selfish. We do not live in a state of altruism and barring a major evolutionary leap, I don't see how we could.

I'm difficult, complicated and depending on my level of frustration at times downright bitchy. Neither those things, or the fact that I'm poly and open to pursuing multiple relationships make me a stronger, more independent, Dominant or even a more stable person. It doesn't work like that, they're simply parts of my personality that coming together as they have, have lead me to a set of choices I've determined were best for me.

I don't want to be complimented for being independent. Don't tell me stories of all the clingy subs you couldn't stand and how different I am. I'm not that different, I just have some measure of common sense that tells me I neither want or need the attention of certain people... In a relationship style that stresses dependence, if you're worried about how needy your partner is then you have nothing to offer me that I would want. 

1/8/2011 12:12:21 PM

Y'know that itchy feeling you get when it's been a while since you cut loose? It sucks. As much as I appreciate casually dating one extremely open-minded (and thank you fucking god, poly-open) vanilla, it doesn't cut it. Whoever said there wasn't a difference between D/s and vanilla dating clearly never reached the withdrawal stage. 

12/27/2010 11:16:27 AM

I’ve got this weird love/hate thing going on with polyamory. I’m not entirely sure it does work long term…I’m sure for some people it works very well. But when it goes bad it seems to get far worse than monogamy ever could. On the one hand, I love people, I love the process of getting close to them, and very few people are allowed to get that close. It’s a wonderful feeling to have that kind of family around. That is how I think about it, not whatever dime store porn scenario I have no doubt many people could come up with. That’s just kinda empty, throwing people together in a jumble of parts and saying it’s supposed to be exciting.

On the other hand… it does go bad. A lot. Especially when there’s couples involved. Way too much jealousy, and far too often there’s hierarchy [pecking order] involved that’s just hurtful. I understand it, I do, I just don’t agree with that. And then there’s that nauseating group of Dominants under the impression that because they are “Dominates”(!!) that means that adding partners is no problem.  That sounded incredibly harsh. 

I love poly, I’m just not interested in the bullshit anymore. 

12/15/2010 6:41:07 PM
I actually don't have anything against learning... or even being taught. But there's an unfortunate trend on CM of people using the idea of mentor to get laid. And please don't get me started on the people offering "training". 
Clearly 22 translates into idiot. 
That's the luxury of being a submissive, I think. I get to choose the people who are allowed to manipulate me. And I'm giving myself permission to tell the rest to go fuck themselves. 

12/14/2010 4:47:53 AM
Maybe some forget, or don't care, or maybe some are just to eager to get to something less mundane... This is the internet and we owe each other nothing. I'm sorry faceless E-Dom, I won't call you Sir, I've never had the urge to serve, please, or bow down to a stranger and I sincerely doubt I will barring catastrophic trauma to the brain disabling my common sense, my personality and my gag reflex. 
When I find out who slapped a "fresh meat" sign onto my ass, I'm hunting them down and "educating" them. That'll learn 'em. ;) 

12/10/2010 6:43:30 AM
I don't want or need your cyberdomination... I'm sorry if that sounds overly critical but it just doesn't interest me. Also, I've traveled across the country once for a Dom and I'm not willing to ever do it again. 

12/8/2010 6:42:32 AM
Well, I lost a partner to his own dishonesty. If anyone was ever wondering or wasn't sure; yes, yes you can cheat in a poly relationship. On the bright side my relationship status just got a lot clearer and I'm not saving up to move across the country. On the other hand, I despise shopping and Christmas isn't over yet. Fuck. 

12/1/2010 7:38:47 AM
I actually really hate the divide between submissives and slaves. Most often the split isn't nearly as clear as it seems. The Domly one asked me this week what I'd prefer he introduce me as. I asked him if he'd just call me girl and let the determined ones call me what they want. Too many subs/slaves use those "titles" to define themselves as better, bigger, stronger, wiser, truer
Fuck the nomenclature. I don't want any part of the ridiculousness. 
The boxes, the boxes! Oh the horror. :P 

11/29/2010 6:00:35 PM
"How submissive are you?" 
Less so than a rock, more so than a tree. 
Fuck. Kids these days. 
(No, not literally.)

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