Really could not get into for awhile.  Was worried about bills, and just life in general.  But things are working its way out and i have met a good Dom whom has taken me under His wing.  i think it is going to work out well.  He is very patient and understands a slave and her needs.  He also is very dominant and not afraid to keep control.  i like that.  i feel myself giving more and more of myself to Him each time We/we meet.  its a process, though, learning about each other.  i finally called Him Master.  He has a first slave and i am so looking forward to meeting her.  i have heard so much about her.  she sounds like someone i will enjoy having as a sister slave.  The nice thing about Him having another slave is that i know i can still take care of my husband and vanilla world without worrying that i am not taking completely care of Him.  Life is full.

There is someone that is causing me some concern.  i have never met her, and have avoided telling her to much about myself until i do meet her, yet, she seems to know way more about me than i am comfortable with.   Because she is pushing so hard to get into my life, it is causing me to step back even further from her.  she may just want to be my friend and nothing else and i may just be being over cautious but in this day and time it seems that we can never be too cautious.  i will take my time with her.  If she truly just wants to be friends then she will still be there when i am able to get past this cautious feeling.  Funny thing about it is that i know i am a very friendly person and if left to my own devices and not pushed, i would probably have already welcomed her into my circle.  Everyone i know has met her and seems to think she is safe.  So, it just may be me that needs to work on being her friend.

Things are going well with my teaching, and i am learning quite a bit myself as i teach.  i am enjoying it.

well, my lunchbreak is about over and it is time for me to get back to the blackboard.  LOL...such an old term.  Did i date myself??  LOL...yes, i wrote on blackboards when i went to school.

Right now it is one day at a time.  Maybe even one step at a time.  My days have been full of frustrations as i try to do what is right for my family, but i also have those wonderful moments when i see smiles come on their faces as we work together.  Its been tough on all of us.  I am sure other families are facing some of what we are going thru as the economy tightens even more and illnesses hit loved ones.  It is not easy!!

i took the weekend off, to just take care of me.  Making sure that they had everything they needed yesterday.  i am hiding out now.  Just messing around on the pc and doing the things i love to do.  Warm baths for my achy body, catching up on emails and blogs.  Lots of reading, no phones, noone knocking on the door.  No one under 18 or 53 for the matter.  Just me, the dog, and the cat.  Oh sorry, the cat is under 53 years old...LOL.

we call him fatcat...or boots.  He is only  9 months old but already larger than the dog.  course the dog is not a big dog..He is half daschund and half sheltie.  mutt...he has the face of the Sheltie and the hair, but the short legs and long body of the daschund (sp).  both of them are kind of needy animals.  demanding their share of attention.  i tell my family they are more like children because if i do not give them the attention they think they deserve they will get even in some  small way by doing something that they know i don't like.  Mostly peeing where they shouldn't...they are both trained, but will get even.  i have noticed.

wow...just since i started writing this blog, i have been notified that four emails have come in to my email account.  i do stay busy one way or the other. 

But you know, i choose to do what i do.  i am not being "dumped" on.  i like caring for others.  it is who i am.  if i did not want to do what i do then when others like my family asked for my help...i would not do it.  i am a strong individual who does know who she is and what she wants.   a lot of people have told me that they wonder how i do what i do, and feel bad for me because they think that i am being taken advantage of...but that is not the case at all.  i love my family, i love being supportive and caring.  i love being the nurturer.  i think this world has gone totally selfish and that is why it is in the shape it is in.  There needs to be balance in all things..including the givers and the takers.  Its not for me to judge who is who...its just for me to do what I like to do.  To be whom i want to be that makes me the happiest.  And this IS what makes me.  The challenges and adversity are meants for me.  i do not run and hide from them...i face them head on.  i am stubborn.  i refuse to lie down because life "dealt me and mine a ugly hand".  this is what weeds the week out from the strong and i consider me one of the "strong".

now i am trying to learn grace with being "strong".  we can still be graceful and be a strong person.  i am trying to learn to bring out more of my feminity because sometimes in the vanilla world i forget too take the time.  i think that is one of the things i like about the bdsm world.  i have to pay attention to me, how i look for Him, how i behave, how i strive to be more graceful for HIm.  Believe me its a lot of work because i was never raised with a mother who could teach me these skills.  i had my dad training me to be a slave and to meet a Masters needs,  but i never learned good coordination, putting on makeup and choosing more feminine clothes.  i do love lace, and satin, and soft things.  i do love to put on make up..but all this i taught myself and i still have some thngs to learn.  Still need to pay more attention and take more time for myself on this even if it means getting up at a hour that no one else is up.  LOL..another hour gone from sleepy time.  Oh well, i can sleep when there is no more living to do!!!!!!

i think i hurt my former Master without meaning too.  He was so good for me the two years i was with Him.  He helped me thru a lot of things.  i grew tremendously under His care, but He decided that He was not truly a Master and that He did not want to be a Master all the time.  It is so confusing to me at times about Him.  i still love Him, but i know what i need and i need to continue in the direction i am going..  Not back...always forward, always

However, Her and i could not understand my resistance to considering a Domme or more specifically Her as my Mistress.  As Our/our friendship has grown and the more time We/we have spent together We/we have even jokingly talk about why i would say that if She were just of the opposite sex i would seek her out.  But yet even tonite, after a wonderful nite of "girls nite out" wth Her, She has even jokingly asked me "what have I got to do to gain your respect, grow a dick?". i still find myself resisting...only wanting Her as a friend, nothing more.

This reaction has me puzzled so much that tonite i found myself questioning myself.  Digging deep inside of me to figure this out why i fight so not to ask Her to be my Mistress. 

It has taken me several hours of looking at things to come up wih the answer.

  My first answer was that i was not bi.  That She did have to have a dick to gain my respect.  But that seems to imply a sexual reason why i dont seek Her out and We/we in the lifestyle know that a true Master/Mistress/sub/slave relationship is not about sex.  Sex is just a happy by product to this lifestyle and i totally believe that.  There is just something so far beyond sex as a Master takes control of my mind and takes me to a place where i can have an orgasm without Him even touching me sexually.  So no..just because i am not bi is not the reason for me not seeking Her out..

So, what is the reason.  okay...again digging deep inside myself, i again examine my motives.  i could go back to my childhood and tell you that its because i did not have a mother who knew how to nurture.  And while it is true that my mother never knew how to be a mother to me, never knew how to give to me what so many mothers out there are able to do, that is not the reason.  Why is that not the reason??  Because i have worked hard to get beyond the hurt my mother has dealt me.  i am fifty three years old.  In those years between being that child whose mother was so jealous of her that she sent her away when she was in her teens, i have managed to rid myself of the hurt and anger that was there towards her.  i truly only pity what she missed out on by not being able to get to know me as a daughter.  a great daughter.  That is a relief to know that i have truly gotten rid of this anger and hurt because i truly believe that We/we can overcome our childhood baggage.   i truly believe that to carry that baggage allows that dysfunctional parent to choose whom i am instead of me, as an adult choosing to not let my childhood affect who i am today.  i made a choice to get rid of that a long time ago, and i am relieved to find that i have not been lying to myself.  my childhood hurts and anger no longer affect me.  i have succeeded/ Or so i thought!!!

Stll examining my past for a reason, i suddenly saw it for what it was.  yes, i had gotten over childhood hurts, (or at least thought i had).  Maybe i had lied to myself, but i truly thought i had until i brought my mother into my home so that i could care for her.  In 2004 till just last December, mom, (the one whom could not nurture a child), moved in with me and my family.  And she had not changed.  she still could not see the child whom wanted so much to feel her love.  she still could not be that nurturer.  she still manipulated those around her strictly for her needs never seeing the hurt that she left behind her.  i did try. i wanted to give her a home that she had never experienced.  i wanted her to feel loved and i tried.   Until by the time i finally put her in an assisted living center last December i was feeling feelings i thought i had long ago put away.  a child  should never ever have to take care of a parent.  especially a parent whom had not been a parent...because somehow wounds that had been healed can be reopened. 

i still don't believe in allowing this knd of thing to affect me.  i still don't believe in allowing how my mother treated me to allow me to make excuses for why i do what i do...but  just this evening i saw that there is a wound that has been reopened  i need the time to recover...and it will take some time.  Right now i feel like it could take several years for me to once again come to grips with the anger and hurt i feel deep down inside.  Deal with it i will, Because that is who i am, but i am so aware of the work i need to do to close that wound up once again.   It takes time to heal.

i would like to thank this Domme.  She knows who she is.  For if i had not met her and and examined my motives for not seeking Her as a Mistress for me i would never have seen that i have work to do on myself again.  That once again i must heal a childhood wound that has been opened up.  Heal i will but it will take me time and although i am going to work hard on it,  i just see a lot of work ahead of me..  probably years of work ahead of me for this is not something i can get over in a nite of revelations.  This is just a beginning for me.  i still can only offer Her my friendship.  But my friendship She does have 

Having said that, i have also been talking to a Dom.  Its in the early stages.  i can see a lot of potential to be a good fit for me and hopefully for Him.  i want to see where it goes with me and Him.  i have been talking about negotiating with Him and petitioning Him to become my Protector.  To be protected by Him while i am still uncolared.  To still have His guidance as i work on me and my relationships...including getting rid of this baggage.

i have not petitioned Him yet as i have been working on making sure that this is the right thing for me.  Examing myself and my motives.  Also learning who He is and taking the first baby steps needed to have trust grow. 

i had just came to the decision about petitioning Him this evening when i spoke with my good Friend the Domme at dinner tonite.  As i asked Her questions regarding what a Protector is versus a Mentor.  i am doing something new for me.  i am moving extremely slow in a new baby relationship.  i am being patient.  i am not rushing heart first into something but taking my time to use my head and look at my motives, my reasons....allowing myself to grow and also stepping back and truly giving someOne else the lead.  Knowing that no  matter what happens...whether it just stay a friendship or move forward that i have let go of the need to be someOne's.  i am comfortable enough in my own skin to be alone for awhile longer.  To be "single" and "dating" in this lifestyle.  For that is what i am doing. 

LOL...kind of confusing since We/we  all know i am in a long term committed marriage in the vanilla world.  But my husband has no desire to be involved  and has given me permission to seek out a part of me. i will never be able to serve 24/7.  i will always have to serve as a sub with slave minded actions...i will always have to be discreet in order to not embarrass him, never completely serving as a slave, but my wonderful husband has given me the opportunity to meet a part of me that is there and this i have been doing.  Growing each step of the way. 

What an amazing journey!  i have work to do but i also have hope.  i am excited about the future!!!  Despite the economy...LOL!! 

i so miss writing my blog but as busy as i have been i am finding myself so exhausted that i can not even focus my mind on anything let alone what i am thinking.  LOL..or maybe what i am thinking is so negative that i do not wish to bring it out into the open.  everyone has days, weeks, months like this and its just the way life has to be some times.  to sit and complain about it is just not my style.  i just get up and do what i have to do and pray that eventually things will slow down enough for me to get back to enjoying other things.

i have two family members very close to me  who are experiencing some very difficult health issues.  my mother and my daughter.  Both are grown women, but both i love dearly and would help any way i can.  Right now, my mom needs be to go to all her doctor visits, and to maintain contact with the nursing home she is in to help keep her care on the right track.  Her doctor has requested that i stay a little more involved for a short spell until we get her back on track.  my daughters doctor has also requested that i attend all doctor visits and what have you for a time being because she is unable to care for herself as well at this time.  i am also having to take care of her two boys, my adorable grandsons.  They are precious to me as is their mom so i am doing everything i can to give them the constant love and attention as their mom goes thru this difficult time.  Both my mom and daughter have the ability to get better.  It is not life threatening...just going to be a lot of work on their parts and i am going to be as supportive as i can..  i know each of you would do the same thing if you were in my shoes.  Just happens.  like i have said before, sometimes the vanilla world sucks, but it is reality and i am a realist. 

i do miss writing my blogs and as soon as i can get back to my fantasy self, i soooo will.  i love this part of me and i will never be without it even when i have to step away for awhile.

when i am working thru things, i get quiet.  Life never stops.  There are always things we must do in our daily lives such as taking care of the home.  i like cleaning my home because while my hands are busy doing this kind of work, my mind is busy workin thru things for myself.

some thoughts that have been banging around in my head.   i can not be honest with someone if i am not honest with myself.  The Master/slave or sub relationship does not work with out truly knowing oneself and what it is that is being sought.  we are all different.   my way is right for me and another persons way is right for them.   my way may not be the right way for another person.  i have to decide who i am, what i want, what i need and where i am going in life.  No one else can decide that for me.  Once i know these things then i can add others to my life whom are of the same mindset.  my life is richer for having known those who are different.  my life is richer for having so many in my life.   Happiness comes from within me, not from another.  If i am seeking my happiness from another then i will fail in finding happiness.  Knowing who i am..being able to be honest with myself brings the happiness, calm, serenity and peace that i search for.

Others get hurt when we are not honest with ourselves.  We have to know what we want, need, desire before we can be honest with another.  so many here do not truly understand and know themselves.  So many here deny who they are and what they want.

It takes a lot of work in any kind of relationhip be it just a friendship, marriage, or whatever. To think that things are always going to be fun and games is being delusional.  There are going to be the bumps in the road that can cause a relationship to veer from its course.  That is just the way life is.  Being able to go together over/under/around or through these bumps is what makes a lasting relationship.  Not all relationships are meant to last forever.  some people come into our lives just for the moment, yet sometimes those moments are what we remember the most.

When i look back at myself and my past, i see a person that has grown in so many ways.  back then, i was always afraid and i let fear stop me.  Now, i am still afraid but i do not let that fear control me.  Giving into fear is what stops us from growing and living a full life.

i am an open book until i feel someone prying.  then i become a closed book.  i rarely trust.

Where i am going with all these thoughts i have no idea.  they are just thoughts that have occurred to me.  Nothing more.

reality sucks.  LOL.  Vanilla world is keeping me really busy and probably will for the rest of this month at least.  It is also extremely stressful.  Just way too many around me and way too much happening. 

i have a lot of different interests.  sometimes i seem to neglect one for another.  i wont tell everything i do here because this is not a private place but there is so much more to me than the bdsm world and sometimes the other parts of me interfere with my bdsm world. 

Sometimes???  LOL...all the time.  yes, i have a very loving vanilla family that takes me away.  i love spending time with them.  There are six that look to me as mom or Nana.  i love those roles and make them a high priority with me.  i also have a husband whose time home i protect.  He is not here often but when he is, it is his time.  So, i dont serve anyOne as the slave that i am because i can not commit to any Master completely.  i can only serve as sub.

in my vanilla world, i also have many hobbies.  i love working with wood, painting, teaching, history, genology.  i am constantly reading current news, history, and information on different cultures.  I am fascinated with history and how it changes but also stays the same in ways.

i love to sew and bake.  i am consider a good southern cook.  LOL..maybe thats why the weight, i like my own cooking.  i love to write...duh...LOL..that is kind of obvious isn't it?

And then there is my home.  i like my home.  i am proud of it. i take care of it inside and out...including gardening and mowing.

So, with all this going on...do i have a right to complain when my "play" in this world seems limited???  No, because i do it to myself.  There is just so much i enjoy.  hard to find a balance.

And now i am doing physical therapy 3 times a week, and water aerobics twice a week...does anyone wonder why they don't always hear from me??

Even my friends wonder where i have disappeared too.  i disappear because i am off on one of my exploring, learning, doing, creative, instructional, fun journeys.    i go so much that my family has nick named me the "enegizer bunny rabbit.".  Not because of my body being on the go but because my mind is on the go.

i absolutely love life and all that it has to give!!!!

i have discovered that i have dealt with only one part of a messed up incident, now i need to work on the rest of it.  i am not willing to share what that is because it is way too personal. 

However, i wanted to make this observation.  i did not realize that i had not dealt with this incident until i was recently sharing with someOne and just began crying as i was sharing,  That to me means that i have work to do.

it is strange.  i rarely cry..unless in the presense of a Dom, LOL.  Then you might as well figure that handled right i will let the tears go, but this time i was alone, not in the presense of anyOne, but chatting with a Dom when i shared this particular past experience.  i guess being alone and chatting with a Dom created the atmosphere i needed to let the tears fall. 

Tears are a release for me, but i rarely cry in vanilla land.  why??  Because that was the way my father trained me.  Just like you would hear of men holding back emotions, my father taught me.  He did not like tears and if i was caught crying, my beatings were much worse.  Or i would get a beating where as i might not have.  And he would let me know that it was because of tears. 

i do not feel a need to change how my father taught me.  i think that i am allowed my tears with a Dom so i need not have to let them fall easily elsewhere.  i get the release that is needed in this world and then in the vanilla world i can be strong.  i dont feel a need to change that.  i am fine with it. 

i also will not debate how my father trained me..  i know that it was not the best way to raise someone but i also now know why.  He saw in me who i am.   He wanted that to be brought out.  Maybe it was wrong, but for whatever reason this is who i am and i am comfortable with it.  i harbor no anger towards my dad because i have already dealt with it.

anger, hate, negativity only destroys oneself from inside.  it helps no one.  i know this so i have worked on those things already. i only discussed that part because it explained why no tears for the most part in vanilla land.

i like who i am!!!   my past made me who i am.  so i do not wish to go back and change my past, good or bad, it made me who i am today!!!!

i would like to say my schedule is incredibly flexible but it is not flexible enough to jump and go at a moments notice. 
i do need a day or two advanced notice. 

Why??  Because even though i do not have a set schedule each day, i do get up in the morning and look at what i would like to get done, or what i would like to do, or what promises i made to others or do i have a dr schedule and then i plan my day. 

i dont like to sit all day on the pc.  i will check it often as i go about my day to see if family, friends, or whomever has contacted me, but i do not just sit here.  i love to be busy.  i love to keep my hands moving.  if i am not working out in the yard, or painting the house...LOL..(something i have been wanting to do lately) or exploring in my community things i found interesting (i love culture, festivals of all kinds, rambling thru cemeteries or just exploring the local shops on main street.) i am finding things to keep me busy.  there are my hobbies too.  Sewing, making things with my hands.

Soooo i may not have something planned every day, but by the time 8 am rolls around (early riser) i pretty much have decided how i am going to spend my day and it wont be here....LOL.

you just have to stop and smell the roses.

Today, i did just that.

my life has been so fast paced that i was getting tired and beginning to loose track of who i am.  i was also hurting my body...(it just no longer can keep up with this pace).

so today i just stopped trying to catch up.  i made the decision that i was going to give this day to myself.  Originally i just wanted to catch up on some much needed sleep that i had done without.  i did that...kind of broken up sleep...but i did that. 

However, i also did something else for myself.  When a slave friend from this lifestyle called and told me that she would be in town for lunch and invited me to join her and a Domme we both knew, i jumped in the shower, leaving my hair to just air dry and joined them.  did not worry about how i looked, did not worry about make up or anything...just ran off to meet them without a thought about anything else and i am glad i did. 

The Domme brought her Master to Our/our meet.  i was so honored to have had a chance to meet Him (Her Master).  i already knew Her and so respect and enjoy Her even if She was not my Mistress.  The slave friend that invited all of us is a close friend of mine whom i have always enjoyed talking with so...sitting there with my New and old friends, i got a much needed commaradie.

i had no intentions of being so out of touch with my vanilla world for so long...but it was so needed and i so enjoyed myself.  i hope that They/they did as well.  They/they have no idea how much i needed that time with people whom truly understand and can talk without judgements...just laughter.  Or maybe They/they do.  Whatever, i am just so thankful that my friend, slave T, invited me and that i got her message in time to join them. 

if You/you all should read this...thank You/you for such a wonderful lunch and afternoon.  You/you know who You/you are....

i am writing this part of my blog separate from the other submission today because this part is about me.  the other was about my friends.

me, i am doing great!!  No, i have not found a Master but i am very comfortable in my own skin.  whatever stress and stuff i had been dealing with around Christmas has eased up and i feel like i have accomplished my goals.  i am proud of me.

Now to change the subject...LOL.  something i have noticed lately is that many many fear anal penetration.  why??  Because it really hurts or generally does.  something i know from experience is that it does not have to hurt if done right.  By right i mean, take it slow.  Have Your Dom or You or whomever start off with a very small finger...not penetrating all the way.  Each time you play, work to make the insertion object a little bit bigger than the time before. 

When i was young, someone tried pushing too fast for anal insertion on me.  it hurt like hell then and i did not enjoy it at all.  i even remembered that time and for years avoided anyone that wanted to come any where near my ass.  it took years before i would try again.  But when i did try again, i got lucky enough to have a partner who took it slow and helped me stretch so that i was able to enjoy it as much as Him.  Now, more years later, i enjoy anal fucking almost as much as vaginal.  i crave it almost as much. 

it is all in how you are introduced to anal play.  If it is pushed to hard before you are ready then hell yes, you are going to hate it and not seek it out, but if you have a partner that is patient and works with you then i believe that most will enjoy it.  i also find this to be true for most of the more extreme kinky things we do like needle play and nipple clamps.  the enjoyment grows as we get use to that particular nipple clamp pain or that one needle until our ability or need grows to want more.  If the mind can accept and enjoy then the body will also.

so, i have been sending emails back and forth with this person.  His profile does not have a lot to say but what is does say has promise.  i hope. 

after a couple emails back and forth, i give Him my yahoo messenger.  time to take it to the next level.  lets get to know one another. 

i log on early this am and find He has read my email and sent me a request to be added as a contact to my messenger.  i agree, but He is not online at that time.  No big deal. He will see that i have agreed and we will eventually be online at the same time.

This evening, i am online, chatting with a friend, when this Dom im's me.  His line?  "So when am i going to get to have you?". 

i know what He is talking about.  i realize He is asking me when i will meet Him to have sex.  i am offended.  this is not what i am searching for.  Yes, eventually there will be sex and plenty of it but sex is just a part of what i am looking for.  i am looking for my Master.  The One who understands what i need in control and dominance.

while i review the above in my head and thing about my answer to Him, He im's again, telling me that his wife will be in the room soon so i need to hurry and answer Him.

Now i know that He thinks i am like Him.  Because i have told Him already that i am married, He thinks that i am going to sneak off for an afternoon of fucking.  How wrong He is.

Now i know my answer.  i tell Him that i immediately can tell that we will not work out.  That he is not what i am searching for and i am not what he is searching for.  i suggest to him that he may find what he is looking for on a vanilla fuck site and i give the name of one.

The End.

Come on folks...the sites i associate with clearly state bdsm, and alternative lifestyle.  i am not associated with the vanilla sites where i could be searching for a "fuck budy" and You are not on a site that is just suggesting a fuck budy.

This evening was suppose to be my public meet with a new Dom.  Unfortunately, i have had to postpone it to Thursday evening because of work schedules changing.  that is the way it is.

i am anxious to get this next step over.  There is only so much that can be said online.   Or by phone.  Meeting in person, seeing if there is a  connection is next.  You can have a fantastic time online, you can even find that you still like the other one when you meet and become great friends, but if there is not that  connection...that chemistry or whatever You want to call it, then it will still not work.  i am not concerned so much about looks as i am about that  something you feel when you are around a person that makes you want to find out more about Him.  it has to be there and i am not exactly sure what it is called, because it does not have anything to do with what a person looks like for me.  Its an inner core of the person i see.  How comfortable We/we are together.  How We/we do or don't click.  Is there too much uncomfortable silence between us or can We/we chat like We/we do online. 

He can be a wonderful Dom, a great Master and still not be the right Master for me and i will never know until We/we meet in person. 

on another subject, i have had some wonderful comments regarding myblog about  inner self and what i see happened in my early growing up years, but, although i do want to thank those wonderful comments and i hope that others feel comfortable enough to continue to comment,, that part is not so important to me.  Doing this for me is my main goal.  Anything else...is just frosting. 

i do not know if i have all the answers.  Fact is, i know i don't.   i am looking for the answers myself.  Thats what this blog is all about.  To take things out into the light of day, examine it, shake it loose and see what falls out.  if it it works...if not..then back up and start again.

kind of tired.  made it back yesterday from TN.  Spent this am playing a very rousing game of Monopoly...(lol) with someone special in my vanilla life.

Doc at the urgent care said i had a slight infection in the lymph nodes.  Thats why it hurts so close to my ear.  Lymph nodes are right under that ear in the neck.  Ear itself looks fine.   i think when my system is down for any reason then eveything goes down..LOL.  arhtritis is really giving me fits as well.   i can not wait till the pools open to the public so that i can exercise without putting strain on joints and tendons.  i go to the neurologist next week for my regular check up.  i think over all things are really getting better.

enjoying my conversations with the new Dom although last nite i did not get a chance to chat with Him.  i wished i could have.  i am looking forward to meeting Him in public this coming Monday.  i talked with Mistress Lyn today about beng my safe person for this public meet.  She has agreed.  although there have been no red flags and i feel relatively safe with this new Dom, and i am just meetiing Him in public, i still know there ia a need to be smart, and be safe.  Sometimes i think we sub/slaves take too many chances.

Anyway, now that i am back in town, it is time to catch up on homelife and my friends.

Looking back at my growing up years and knowing what i know now, i wonder if my dad knew what he was doing.  Knew that he was training me to be the slave i am, did he recognize this in me and train me?

There are so many things i can see now that make me wonder if this is true.  i can remember feeling him watch me when he thought i was not aware of him. 

i was taught early on to recognize dads moods and to know almost instinctively what was expected of me.    i was taught to watch people.  To recognize from their actions what was expected of me and then do so.  i knew almost immediately whether i pleased them or not.  He taught me fear well.  He would scare me and then be angry with me for showing  me showing that i was afraid.  it was okay for me to be afraid, but it was not okay to show that i was afraid or to back away from the fear.  Dad was a hard man.  we could go and play...but only as far away from him as his whistle.  if we could not hear his whistle and come running immediately when we heard that whistle..then we were too far away.  we had a lot of chores.  i was cooking the family meals by the time i was eleven.

No, he did not sexually molest me, but he also did not stop others from doing so.  i would see him in he background or catch him watching and yet, if he knew that someone had caught him watching he would act the indignant father.  i was exposed to a lot that i should not have been.  i knew more than the others my age.  i suspect that if my mother had not decided to alert others as to what was happening in my family, he would have managed to finish my training.  As it were, mom for what ever reason, had decided it was time for me to go.  (she did not send me away because she was concerned about me...her exact words to me just before i left home for the last time was "Your dad and i get along much better when you are not around." 

( i still remember those words although they do not hurt like they use too.   They do not affect me like they use too.  Nor am i angry at my mom anymore.  i learned a long time ago that i choose who i am and what i want to feel.  To give them that power to make me feel angry or hatred towards either one of them would have allowed them to win and i did not want them to win....so, i won by not harboring those negative feelings.  i do bring this story out, however, to look at who i am and quite possibly being trained to be who i am from a long time ago.) 

Anyway, i suspect...(i look so much like my mother), i suspect that as mom got older and she saw her in me as the younger version, she needed me gone.  Old boyfriends of hers were still friends of my grandparents.  When they came to visit, i can still feel them watching me, almost like they saw mom in me and were remembering back to the old days when they were young with her.  i suspect that mom needed me to go away because she had become jealous.  So she contacted the right people and i was removed from the home.  Effectively stopping my dads training of me.   i was old enough by that time, though, to remember and to have some of that training already instilled.

Yes, it was hard at times.  Learning to watch people and know instinctively what they needed or wanted from me, made it hard for me to learn who i am because i was constantly shaping myself to be who they wanted.  LOL...believe it or not, i had already figured this out before i ever figured that there was a bdsm world out there.  i had figured out that i needed to learn who i was but i did not know how.  It was just so ingrain in me to be who others wanted that i had to struggle with that one.

i did not know how effectively i had learned to manipulate others or to top others until i started learning about the bdsm lifestyle.  it was not until Doms started calling me on it that i even knew i did those things.  i have been working hard since, unlearning to manipulate and top but that is such a very hard thing to unlearn.  Especially if it is almost like second nature to you and you are not even aware you do it.  i am still working on this one. 

yes, there were some things i had to break myself of in order to be able to be a person who could effectively deal with the vanilla world and be happy...but, i almost think the reason it was not so hard for me to accept the bdsm world and feel so natural in it was because of my dad already training me or recognizing this in me.

Whatever the reason..or for what ever happened, it does not matter now.  how could i wish to go back and change anything??  For i believe that my past made me who i am today and i honestly like who i am today.  No, good or bad, this person or that, hurt or happiness, all of it is me.  all of it made me.  So no, i would not change a thing from my past, present or future.

i can look back at the last nine years and see a steady growth in who i am.

at the beginning i was so new that i made quite a few mistakes.  Jumping in and playing before i ever really knew what this life was all about.  at that time, i disrespected some, and hurt some.  That i do regret for i do respect those people.  i was just too new and in too big a hurry.  i have learned loyalty, and how to trust.  (can you be trustworthy if you have never learned to trust?)  i don't know, but i know now that i can be trustworthy.

Nine years later.  i can look back and see a tremendous amount of growth.  Patience is now my creed.  i am slave.  i know what it is to truly give of myself without thought of myself.  it is no longer about what i want as much as what the One wants for i know He is the One that controls our journey.

i am softer, gentler, quieter, passionate, loyal and so very giving.  i have found that with the right One i have no hard limits for my trust knows no bounds.

Now, i am searching for Him.  The One that can capture my mind.  For the One that captures my mind will have found my body and soul following.