My Slimming World Journey – 10 months on.

10 months now since starting Slimming World and life just keeps on for the most part getting better.

Typically – the week after filling in my 8 month journal back in August – I had a 2lb gain but managed somehow to follow that up with 7lb loss the following week. 

It’s not altogether been an easy two months.  I did start to loose faith in the middle of August – even after that 7lb loss – as I still couldn’t see an end in sight to this journey and although it was still coming off, I was starting to get impatient and wanting it all now rather then being prepared to work at it.  This has been however the closest I have been to giving up so far.  I fixed it by, on Bank Holiday Monday in August walking back from Weigh-in having a good old talk with myself and putting my head back on track.  The key – as always – is that although there is always a bigger picture in mind – take it one target it at time – and vary those targets – yes the half stone stickers are nice, but sometimes there’s other targets that can be met.  I had already set myself one of getting my 10stone sticker by the end of October (realistically the first weigh-in in November) but there were so many others coming up shortly there after that also meant something.  Breaking the journey down into these little stages and looking back at just how far I’ve come all just helped me get my thoughts back on track.

In fact the last three weeks have been one kind of target or another being reached.  Three weigh-ins ago I got to the point of having lost 33% of my initial starting mass.  The week after I got to the point of being 75% of the way to my goal and last week – I got my 9 and a half stone weight loss sticker (along with Slimmer of the Month for September).

I have also made a phone call in the last few weeks – I have my “sit back and re-assess” point (or what some people would call a target) – where by I do just that, sit back, and reassess whether to actually call target or to go for another half stone or even a full stone or more.  I wanted to find something to celebrate when I got to the 10 stone mark, but the one thing that did spring up I can’t do at that point in time – I’d still be too heavy.  However the upper weight limit is also co-incidentally my “sit back and reassess” weight.  So – my only question now is can I loose that further 3stone 1.5lb to get to that weight in time for the end of March – which would be an ideal time to celebrate as I can tie it in with another celebration then.  It’s only 1.7lb a week – more then doable with Food Optimising – even with Christmas in the way.

But firstly – I have that 10stone sticker to get, at the time of writing, that’s 4 weigh-ins and exactly 7lb to go.  Again – certainly doable.  That’s my primary focus.

A lot has changed over the last two months since my last journal entry.  I can – it seems – now freely buy most clothes from the high street rather then niche online retailers whilst taking advantage of the sales, etc.  Still got a little way to go before I fit into all retailers’ size limits – but as the saying goes – I’m getting there. 

looking forward to the next two months and reaching a year of food optimising.  Hopefully I’ll be well on the way to what I think my next target will be – 11stone by the end of the year.  If I can make 11stone in the next two months – even better.  Wish it could be 12stone in 12months, but I have to be realistic and to be near that 11stone in 12months and then at 11stone or more by the end of the year would be perfect.

-123 - YEAH

53.5 still to go. BOOO

3 more to go for next milestone. 9 to go to be 75% there

and all in less then 9 months...

i feel good tonight...

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Anyone know of any fetish events on 31st October or 7th November in the general midlands area?

I know it's a bit far sighted - but playing with various ideas at moment to celebrate a goal that i should reach by then and need to have a bit of extra motivation to get there.

Can't help tonight but feel that i'm loosing my way...

extreemly down is the only way to describe how i'm feeling.

doesn't help that i did do a fair amount of comfort eating tonight - though on "free" foods rather then the chocolate, cake, crisps i used to binge on.

Though i somehow don't think freefoods was invented for someone to eat 8 muller light yoghurts in one evening.

I think, in part, i'm suffering from that little rebellious streak i have over that last ever piece of fatherly advice i received.

There's also some despondency setting in that the weight loss has started to slow down now - but i always knew that was going to happen and thought i accepted that - but maybe i haven't accepted it?

I also suspect that in part it's a reaction to finding out that getting to where i think i ought to be and where i want to sit back and re-assess is in fact still too heavy to do a parachute jump.

I got to get out of this rut though. It's pay day on Friday and a bank holiday weekend to boot.

So - tomorrow night i sit down with receipie books and the last two magazines and do up some menus for the week. I dust off my food diary and plan that entire week in that too. I use the weekend to experiment with a few new dishes (there's a lamb and haricot bean stew thingy in the free receipie book with this month's magazine that looks very very tempting and it's been a long time since i had lamb (plus it's freezable as well)). I also settle finally on the bonus for getting to the 10stone mark and aim for that. Friday night i go to Tesco and get myself a nice piece of steak for friday's dinner - with new potatoes, carrots, mushrooms and beans (all steamed), and any other stuff i can get there and on Saturday i go get the remainder of the vegetables for the week. Get some tupperware tubs and free up space in the freezer - cook Saturday and Sunday and freeze the left overs ready for reheating during the week(s) ahead.

New week, new start, and hopefully a new purpose in life - i don't want to throw my work away that's for sure - 8st9lb in just under 9 months - i'm not throwing that away - no way. I've earnt too many more freedoms to go back to that way of living. i just got to get over this hurdle first...

Recently - I joked on a comment here on LiveJournal about the dieting, etc..:

"(what the f**k has happened to me? I give up smoking, start loosing weight, and now talking about exercise - and all in the last 6 months)."

It is in fact 6 months to the day since I quit smoking, and i'm reliably informed that in the last 6 months, I've not smoked 4,479 ciggies, and therefore not spent £1021.21 on ciggies either.

It's also 2 months to the day since I actually started eating according to the Slimming World food optimising plan (I weighed in on the 1st December but had that one last splurge that night). In that time, including tonight's 3lb loss, I've lost 3 stone 5.5lbs.

But why? (or as I put it above - "what the f**k has happened to me?") - 9 months ago i would have said "never" to giving up the smokes and "yes i need to do it" about loosing weight.

But i wouldn't have done anything about it.

just over 6 months ago - I'd never have done the smoking - till i totted up how much it was costing me. and that's just the figure in costs of packets of ciggies. Never mind the extras - the mars bar (or 2) and other such goodies when i went into a shop to buy a pack each day.

But no, "What the f**k has happened to me" needs to be changed to "Why the f**k didn't i do anything earlier". I'm enjoying cooking every day. I'm enjoying fresh food every day. I'm enjoying having so much more money in my account each month (especially since the diet started - no 2 or 3 take aways a week, no 3 or more mars bars a day, no 3 or 4 packets of crisps a day, no tubs of Hagen daz or ben&jerrys at the weekends (when it's on special anyhow) - it all adds up and it adds up to more then i'm spending on "slimming" food).

I do know why. Some of my closest friends will probably be able to guess at the why. It comes back to, in part, ghosts that I need to put to rest and to stop hiding from certain parts of life that I've not wanted a part in (but at same time have wanted a part in - now i think it's time to get on and have a part in those areas and to do what i need to do to get there), but do now. That, come April, is the next challenge - putting those ghosts to rest. I don't know how i'll do it, but i have to do it - or all this work will be undone. I suspect that at some stage, i'm going to end up doing some form of counselling/therapy - the issues are just too deeply rooted to be able to work through on my own.

But this also means facing some of the demons i carry with me - getting out more and even just getting out (I think I've been out for a night once since i gave up smoking and one evening since i started the food plan). I got to mingle and be with people who are smokers and get over the fear that being around smokers may make me more inclined to want to have a smoke. I also have to go out more and not be afraid of eating more as well.

That said - I've already noticed the confidence level increase since breaking the 3 stone barrier. Next Monday will hopefully be the 3.5stone barrier. 4 stone by the end of the month? Can't see why not...

I'm feeling pleased with myself...

I've passed the 4000 ciggies NOT smoked mark sometime today. And that'll be 6 months as of Feb 2. Which, as it's a Monday, the saturday before i'm going to celebrate by heading into Central Birmingham and giving myself a treat - buying the ingredients for a huge big seafood salad - whilst also pondering further treats along the way. and why the heck not

and in other realms of my life - i'm now 2stone 9lbs lighter - in just 6 weeks. (whomever told me i can be a stubborn bugger when i want to be was absolutely correct). though not so different yet i suspect that i can go out and "show off" the new me for a bit - but give me a month or so - i feel a "club trip" or similiar happening mid-Feb or end of March (or both).

and, if only they could read this (at least i hope they're not reading this), to the doubters who said I'd not keep up the non-smoking and then said i'd not tackle the weight issue (albeit that is still early days) - I simply have two simple words for you - "Up yours". (meant in the most polite terms possible of course).

I sat in a chat room tonight and read, and even partook, in the debate going on.  It was already going when I logged in, and was originally about the new UK (England and Wales) Extreme Pornography legislation.  That however is not the purpose of this writing.

The debate then contained some specific lines that got my attention, lines to do with being accepted and having a voice – much akin to the perception that the homosexual community may be enjoying now.

But do we want that voice?  Do we want to be accepted as part of the norm?  Or even should we have either?  No-one seemed able to answer those questions.  Or more basically does the lack of legal representation and legal rights as people who partake in BDSM hamper the “scene”.

Yes, there are occasions of people loosing children and jobs due to their involvement in the “scene”.  Yes, more understanding from the authorities that people in the “scene” are not raving lunatics, child molesters, can not be trusted to do their job, etc. is needed.  I will never debate against anyone on those points.  And maybe the only way to prevent the above things from happening is for legal equality.  But then do we need it?

The issue surely is that Joe Public will never really understand BDSM.  I mean “what is the fun in hitting someone?” or “What do you get out of being hit?” and of course, “How can you consent to being beaten?”  BDSM imagery is there for Joe Public to have a laugh about with their mates down the pub and to masturbate to behind closed doors.

“Behind closed doors”.  Interesting turn of phrase that.  What goes on behind closed doors is no-one’s business but the people whose door is closed.  Providing it’s consensual and not impacting on anyone else of course.  And more importantly, it can be proved that it was consensual at the time that it happened. 

At no point have I allowed play to affect my work – after all they pay me to be there to work, not to be suffering from whatever play has been indulged in at the weekend (or the night before).  The same that I feel that turning up to work suffering from a hang over should be avoided – it simply is not professional.  My being submissive has never affected my work either.  My being submissive has never affected anyone but me, my partner at the time, and when done behind the “closed doors” of a club, those people, who by virtue of being in that environment have already consented to witness what is going on there.

I’m sure that the vast majority of other people also feel the same – that their jobs and their personal life are two separate things and their personal life should not interfere with their jobs and in return what they do in their personal life is no matter for their employer.  And that’s how it should be, alas currently it isn’t. 

But do we need legal equality to obtain that?  Or just more open-minded people in society?  Do we need a formal “voice” or for “Joe Public” to just accept that we are just the same as everyone else and no more likely to be rapists or paedophiles as the guy next door?  That what we do in our personal lives makes no difference to our ability to do our jobs, or to be parents? 

Would legal equality make things any easier for people in the scene?  It won’t bring many more people out of the woodwork I imagine, and it certainly won’t encourage people to take up BDSM as a “hobby”.  Those who are wired for it will find it – regardless.  So there’ll be a bit more legal protection for people in the scene, but we will still be subject to the same ridicule, etc that we are now, that the homosexual community still has to put up with – and don’t forget that over a 100years ago that homosexuality was an  crime.  It’s taken a long time for their equality and legal rights.  We certainly won’t be alive to see when BDSM is accorded the same – in my opinion.  I also don’t think that legal protection is needed – just open-mindness and understanding.

12 long and dusty years ago, I started out wanting to explore the BDSM scene after reading some D/s orientated porn and find a few pornographic pictures on the web…  (I was 21 at the time I hasten to add).

It took till 1997 to get my first experience of D/s, and then another 6months and the end of March in 1998 before I stepped out onto the public “scene” for the first time.  Since that day though, I’ve been around – often taking breaks of 6-12months from things, depending on what life is throwing at me at the time.  I’ve been in service to some wonderful women, and had the chance to play with other wonderful women in that time.  I’ve been to clubs all over England, and a few in the US too.  I have friends in parts of the country; I’d never would have friends in without the “scene” – and that is even more certain of those who are in the US.

I’ve been welcome in the circles I’ve travelled in; I’ve also been made very unwelcome.  I’ve always though, tried to speak my mind.  This has caused a few flame wars of course.  I’ve been the cause of political upsets in the “scene”, and I’ve watched a few.  I’ve, in-avertedly, help bring couples together (some are even still together), but hopefully have never been the cause of couples separating. 

I’ve had my eyes opened by different fetishes (though not taken part in most of them) – the schoolboy/girls in their nice looking uniforms, the adult babies, the frilly sissies, even the furries.  I’ve read and had discussions about leather, where the term leather is not describing the treated hide of a cow (or one or two other animals) but a way of life/thought/behaviour.

I’ve experienced so many highs and a number of lows in my time in the scene.  I’ve gone from saying “no” to things to saying “MORE” to them, and even a few things that 13yrs ago I’d never have even thought about.  Things that were just masturbation material 14yrs ago, now are part of who I am with no link back to their initial origins.

And all because of this “scene”?

Probably.

So that’s me, and a quick blink through this journey I started in 1996.  I imagine that a lot of what I’ve said will ring true for a lot of other people – the years will change, the specifics will be different, but I figure there’d be a lot of symmetry for a lot of folk.

But you’ll notice if you’ve read all the above that I’ve always put the term “scene” in speech marks.  You may be wondering why that is?  Because I never actually know what the “scene” is to the people I’m talking to.

The “scene” to me though is that place that above all else, regardless of how long it’s been, is where I feel I belong.  I can skip munches and clubs for over a year and return and not feel out of place.  I can watch people in a club play and appreciate the art form going on.  I can watch a submissive/slave serve their dominant and appreciate the trust and respect that each has earnt from the other to get to that place in their journey.  These are likely to be people who have been in the scene for a long time too; at least my experience is of such.  They have explored and played.  They have gotten to know themselves and what they want and what they need and learnt to communicate that.  They are just as happy to sit back and watch someone else play in a club as they are to play themselves and appreciate that whilst what is going on in front of them may not be how they’d do it, but is just a valid way of doing things as their own way.

The clothes on their back don’t matter, the thoughts in their heads do.  They don’t become BDSM’ers because they’ve put their leather trousers/skirt/waistcoat on, but have that flowing in their blood all the time – they may not show it.  It’s not, as someone put it in a discussion to me, a means of foreplay, but it what actually “gets them off” – they get off on the power exchange, not from the sex that may or may not occur afterwards – and for some, sex may not even feature into the equation at all.

These are the people who, for me, create the “scene”, without them, it would be nothing more then part time wannabes and kinky sex seekers. 

But does that mean that there’s no place within the “scene” for the “part time wannabes and the kinky sex seekers.”?  Of course there is.  The “scene”, is all encompassing and that’s also one of its attractions, and some of those people will, over time, evolve and grow into those for whom BDSM “flows in the blood”.  Those people who could never go back to “vanilla”.

Is it the same “scene” I entered so long ago with that first foray in March 1998 to Old Orleans on Broad Street in Birmingham, and later to the event known as “Moonman’s Dream”?  No.  The scene is even more open and accessible then it was even then.  There is far more available now then there was then. 

Is this a good thing?  Yes, but also no.  It’s great that nearly any week, I could probably find an event somewhere within 60miles, probably any day of the week.  But to a degree, going out has lost its “special” feeling.  When there was a chance to go out within easy travelling distance only once a month, it had that special feeling.  Now you can go out to a fetish club every week, and it’s almost like being able to go to the pub once a week with friends – just with rubber, leather, canes and floggers thrown in – has this also lead to the downturn in numbers to events I wonder?  It seems over the last few years on my occasional trips out (I’ve done the every Friday night routine, and now pick and choose my club nights to keep that “special” feeling) that the numbers seem to be getting smaller. 

And it seems a lot of people I knew from back then have “disappeared”, gotten fed up with the backbiting and politics, and that vocal minority that has to “right”.  Taken back what was theirs that they used to share at clubs and taken back into the house.  Some may have outgrown it too, but I suspect that’s only a few of them. 

Mind you – big numbers to an event are possibly to its detriment too – no where to sit, and sometimes, no where to stand.  Noisy, and hard to swing a cat for people cutting across the play area that has to be heavily DM’ed as every piece of equipment is in use, plus the side walls as people get fed up of waiting for the furniture they want to be free.  Smaller events at same sized venues also don’t work – the play spaces appear empty and the perception can be that’s no-one is playing.

So, where, going forward would I like the “scene” to be?  More one-off specials – forget every Friday or Saturday night.  Once a month, once a fortnight, with a good sized crowd if we’re talking a public venue – but then again, that wouldn’t necessarily be commercially viable.  Or maybe small groups, careful of who they have as members, who between them are able to raise the funds to rent and run a small space for their use – where politics and egos are left at the door, and the focus is on being able to play how they want to play, and to socialise with like minded folk, where the focus is on the play, and not how you’re dressed, and everyone probably knows everyone else – by reputation at the very least.

Reputation:  Strange that word hasn’t come up till now.  The cornerstone of the scene is, or at least was, reputation.  You earnt your reputation over time for being who you are.  Of course those reputations could also be destroyed very quickly, and you’d have to work twice as hard for twice as long to bring yours back.  But it wasn’t just your reputation you worked hard to uphold – but those of the people who introduced you into particular circles within the “scene” – your behaviour, at least initially would reflect on them - you screw up, and it’s not just your reputation that is destroyed, but theirs tarnished amongst their peers for introducing someone who turned out not to be such a good “match” after all. 

That may seem to be a little “old guard” or “leather” for some – but that’s how it was.  And there’s nothing wrong with honouring where we “came from” and what, for some, is still where it is. 

So is the “scene” something about your actions or your thoughts.  To me – it’s more about thoughts then actions.  It’s about what runs through my blood then what I do in a club or in the bedroom.  I could no sooner give up BDSM then I could give up breathing, and in my “scene” – that’s how it is for everyone.  Doesn’t mean there isn’t room for other people and for them to have their own definitions of “scene”.  Just that yours and mine may differ – but that is a good thing.  If we all had the same definition then it’d be rather boring and no room to explore, to grow and to evolve.

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