. . . here we go again! my back surgery is scheduled for the 26th this month. So much to do before hand. Am i nervous?? hell yes. And the whole time in the hospital i will not be able to access any of my kinky profiles.
So my friends, now you know in advance that i am going to be out of the loop here for a bit. Those of you that really do know me, will know how to get in touch with me.

The best part of this part is that my breast cancer surgeon is working on getting me all looking equal again. this makes me so very happy. Maybe then i won't be so ashamed and shy about getting naked. hopefully this will get done soon and then on to the ink work to cover the scars.

really do not want to feel so bad about me and how the cancer and such has affected me . . . . going to get out of this funk and see if there is one out there that may want me for theirs

oh and if anyone knows someone that could watch my precious pups while i am out of action, please contact me.. hey how was that for a quiet begging>????

LOL

Well, made it thru the surgery. More days than i thought in the hospital after but that was okay. Needed the time to be able to move on my own.

Have work in front of me but to be able to walk right again, sheer heaven.  Quite the experience all in all.  The nursing staff and all else were amazing.

  The dedication of most managed to make even the most demanding feel well cared for.

Thank them each and every one.

Well all my bitching and moaning really is for naught.  I wonder why we do that>?  It is bad enough that we talk in our minds to ourselves about how unjust most life is but dayum girl, to put it all right out there>?  Shameful for sure.

Okay no bitching this time, just a statement of facts.  This wednesday is the day.  Yep gonna let them do the surgery on my back and wait for 2 months on the other.  Hopefully all will go great on the back deal and i will be able to buy another 2 months on the other.  woohoo!

Yes i am scared, who wouldn't be with someone slicing so close to the spinal cord and all that jazz>?  But i have been told that my neurosurgeon is one of the better in the area so i am gonna close my eyes and take that leap of faith.  Will have a decent time of recovery but that is okay compared to where i am now.

Now all that is needed is that one that is there thru thick and thin, holding onto ones fears and throwing them to the stars...

omg did i really just say all that... sheesshh

Well i have to say that it has been one heck of a last 6 months!  And i would imagine that in some ways this is going to sound a bit like a one person pity party.  I have realized that it doesn't matter if it does.  There are times in our lives where it is acceptable and in many cases expected. I am not saying that i am one of those people that deserve it but what the heck!

 For the last 6 months my back and ability to walk have been sorely tested.  Dayum i hate it when it feels as if one has a tens unit attached to the back and legs when there is no one in the room but myself but there you have it.  The pain that went along with it seemed to stump just about every one.  Hell all they had to do was listen to me and this could have ended a long time ago.

 So here we go, lets start all the testing and poking and proding and in general, making things worse.  First someone finally gets it and when i have gotten to the point of not being able to walk at all, they come up with a "miracle surgery" that is going to fix every thing.  Woo hoo!    (not)

 Next set of tests.  Picture yourself answering the phone and on the other end is a voice telling you that you have  breast cancer!  What a warm and wonderful way to explain things to someone.  Then the real fun begins, Yes you do, no you don't it is just precancer! WTF???  Well lets put that on the back burner while we try to fix your back again.

 Yep it sounds like a one  person pity party for sure.  Bottom line, another back surgery this coming weds, testing every six months to see if there are any changes in those pesky lil nasty cells in my breast and all should be well in the next two months.

More news at 11.... sigh  Guess i just needed a very or kind of safer place to air my thoughts............ 

               Happy Fathers day to all the dad's here

                      Hope everyone has a great day!

Well just a short note in here as i cannot type very much for now..

how does one manage to develope carpal tunnel syndrome on one side and a rotator cuff injury on the other>?  Now that is worse than being bound and no one around to enjoy the process.

Wish i could say it was from play but alas, tis not...  double bad luck i would think.  As soon as i can sit at keyboard and not go numb from just looking at it i will catch up with friends.

 In the mean time, i have not deserted and will return with all my charm and lovely sense of humor ..

 Missing friends

 d

For the better part of our lives, each of us searches for who we are and what that means.   We search our hearts and souls and wonder about ourselves.. are we crazy, are we "off" are we strange.  

One day it begins to come together, a word or a phrase shouts at us from some where and all of a sudden we smile and take a deep breath and realize that we just found home.

We go thru many changes while we search out so many aspects of the new life we have found.  Some good, some not so good but a journey that we finally understand.  We settle into this new life with joy and passion, we realize that we actually have choices that are important to not just us but to someone else as well.

We find poetry in our motions and thoughts, we find a rhythm that sings to us and to others.  We come to know what is right and wrong for the path we are on and we do not expect to force others onto our way.  It is a safe and comforting place to be.

Then suddenly, after all the time that we have spent getting where we are, learning, changing and growing; someone comes along and decides that because we choose not to walk the same path as they, we are no good, we are wrong...    we should hide our faces in shame... 

When did this become the attitude of what would be called reasonable people with a reasonable expectation of understanding that each of us will walk to a different rhythm. 

When did it become the job of one person to dictate that just because they like chocolate, every one should like chocolate . . .

Sorry this has just kinda been a rant and I really needed a place to get it off my chest.  I find that when I am so inclined to do the proper thing and at least answer a message, good or bad, agreed with or not, I do not expect to be blasted.

One thing is for sure, it certainly helps me to understand why some have not found a mate.....  the ugly attitude would be nothing but a preview of what they could expect in life with a person like that.

I most likely will take this down in a day or two but for now.. this is how I feel and I protest ugly attitudes because I say no thank you to someone.

This is a first for me, I have avoided blogs with every bit of strength in me but for some reason today, I needed to write again after a very long absence.

 Today for some reason that I cannot explain, I noticed that peeking thru the window of my life; a small bit of light had managed to find the one spot that was clean.  At first it struggled to get thru the tangle of built up frustrations and depression, but then there it was, shining despite its surroundings.

 I woke as I always do, early, just so that I can have that few moments of peace that comes from watching the night turn to day and there is no back round noise to disturb me. For a very long time I have done this day after day waiting for the peace to enter me, to wrap me in it’s calming way so that the day before me allows me to live with some kind of hope.

 That struggling shaft of light finally found its way to me and I took the first deep breath in a couple of years. I realized that suddenly and quite unexpectedly, I could feel at least some of the peace it was offering me.  There was no one around to witness the gentle touch on my mind and soul and that is what made it all the more exceptional. Perhaps it meant that the long struggle that has been my expected daily chore was about to come to an end.

Perhaps this was the day that I was finally able to make sure that the window was less cluttered so that the light could find me.  Peace was beginning to expand and as I watched the brightness come to the night sky. Yes it was possible!

It has felt lately that no matter what I touched or allowed to touch me it would disappear before I had a chance to even try to grasp it close to me. Darkness was deepening and I felt that hope had finally decided this was not a house it wanted to try to live in. The universe had a different idea.  Light was coming and even if it was just a sliver, hope would find nourishment and thrive.

 Suddenly I realized that the service I had been providing for the last few years was about to come to an end.  The life that I had given up for another was stretching out to make itself felt and grow.  I was no longer going to wear those chains that had me bound in this phase of my life. Soon I would be free to live again, to reach out and gather that light close to me.

And that is what the small struggling bit of light was, the realization that I could begin to just be me again.  The last months of this ending life has managed to bring me personal pain. I would no sooner think that I had found something that I could be happy with but the universe had a different idea.  Poof, they would be gone in the blink of an eye. Those touches were just part of the waking process.

 So today, I will reach out and grasp that bit of hope, cling to it as I am meant to do with the thought in my mind that it will grow.  I know that it will not be easy and I know that the surrounding darkness will try once again to claim my life.  But the path has been lit again, even if it is but a small ray, I can take that first step that will lead to another and another.

Thank you universe, for this gift.  I will take it with grace and honor and feed it daily

I have a question.

Why is it that so many that claim to be submissive write to me wanting me to be their Domme?  Does not my profile make it clear enough that I am not in that particular mode? I find it amazing that I get these notes, and when I write back with thanks explaining that I am not what they are looking for; they actually get offended.  

Then there are those that claim submissive mode on their profile that scoff and respond with “oh I am really Dom”.  Can anyone say fix the dang profile and make up your mind?

 Please present what and who you are with a clarity that is not ambiguous!  Is that just too much to ask>??

Well it seems that no sooner do i think i am settled here in Colorado than my mothers health takes a turn for not so good and it is off to New Mexico for us where it is 3000 ft lower.  Better for her lung issues etc.  Closer to other family members so that i will not have to be the 24/7 for her care

At least i will not be in BFE and closer to life so things should be easier in a sense.  Should be able to finally get a real job and be able to breath a bit.

Not that i do not appreciate the fact of being able to care for elderly mom but it feels as if i have gotten lost in the shuffle.

i miss living real life  LOL

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

 People ask the same questions, are you a sub or a slave, and what are your limits??

Here is what i have learned, what i feel:

It is not so much about the type and color of the clay that reflects the work of art it will become, rather it is the raw talent, life experience and creative vision of the sculptor. It is about His willingness to take the time and caring to help create an end result.  It is about how wet and malleable i become when i am in his strong hands, feeling His strong spirit, aware of His gift to help me to grow.  Understanding His honor and His sharing of that honor is what gives the work of art purpose.  It is about how willing i become, needful in fact; to become the work of art that He has envisioned and find pride and grace in that vision.

it has been brought to my attention that perhaps i must need up date the last entry here. . . i have deleted 2 entrys since then that were no longer applicable. .  so just for the sake of being up to date, what has changed>? naught, i fear. i am still who and what i am. .  evolving as the days pass as do W/we all. .  my personal life>? it remains a blank page, waiting to be written on, fulfilled in what ever manner becomes me and the One that finds me, takes me to His.  By the one that understands the fullness of me, appreciates the fact that every journey is filled with side roads. . . patience the key, time, our friend , not our enemy. .  if the journey to be traveled is worth O/our hearts, minds and the sharing of souls