NYCSubmissive

I posted the following ad on CL twice in the past year without much luck. Maybe this site will yield better results:

(Right off the bat, if you're under 39, you're too young for me.

If you're in a relationship [this obviously includes marriage], you're too involved for me.)

How difficult can it be to meet a dominant but everyday guy in this city? It seems all the so-called "doms" are into Gorean, dungeons & dragons play, and/or on the committee of some D/s board involving weekly meetings. Why must it be so...manufactured? People who dress "the part," who take on those VERY INVENTED names, and who insist that I'M not a "true submissive" because I refuse to kowtow to them seem to me like nothing more than desperate actors on a stage. I'm not looking for someone to play a part. I want this to be real. I'm looking for a human being, with all his faults and foibles, who just happens to get off on a very genuine exchange of power. I'm looking for someone who is unafraid to explore this exchange but who also understands that there must be times where we can relate to each other on more even ground. Is it so impossible to have, this idea that he and I could be laughing and teasing each other one moment but that the right word or look from him in the next could cause me to deeply feel my place?

I don't know. There are men who claim to be what I'm describing, men who claim they know how to mix their dominant and vanilla sides together in a compelling, healthy way. Yet when I set up actual DATES to meet these men, there's always some lame excuse at the last moment for why they can't make it. Why is this? What is going on?

There's also a smattering of intelligent D/s posts under "Men Seeking Women" (on CL) but, more often than not, these men neglect (or refuse) to divulge such basic information as their age, interests, etc. It's almost as though they're purposefully leaving out that information so that they can mold themselves to fit the criteria of any woman who may write. Would somebody do such a thing?

Or there are men over 40 who feel the need to explain that they look "much younger." Listen, guys, most of the women I know don't want guys who look "much younger" than 40. You're lucky that our society deems more powerful the man who has aged a little bit. Please stop being so vain and worried about it. I find the man who needs to tell me that he looks "much younger than 45" far less attractive than the man who is comfortable being 45.

Oh my, but this profile is not intended as a rant. Instead is it a call, an attempt, a quest. I just gotta know: is there an everyday guy out there--someone in his late 30s all the way to his early 50s--who's confident, happy, comfortable in his own skin, who has more than just a fleeting curiosity about being in control? Are you loyal? Funny? Smart as hell? Single? A nonsmoker? Are you looking for more than just play, something that could become long term and serious?

I'm looking for someone who thoroughly enjoys the emotional and psychological aspects of this type of power exchange, someone who enjoys getting into the head of his partner and learning what makes her tick. I am NOT looking for sadists which, I realize, could be a relative term (so I'd better explain). The idea of piercings, clamps, needles--all that stuff--does not appeal to me in the least. Truthfully, I don't think I could take much more than a simple spanking or maybe...maybe...a very light flogging. MAYBE, I said! (Hey, I know I'm probably disappointing a number of men who were feeling hopeful up to this point, but do us both a favor and remain true to yourself. Please don't pretend to be something you're not (in other words if you're a sadist, own it) and please don't think you're going to drastically change my interests--you're not. If our interests don't match, please look for someone who is better suited to your tastes). Let me repeat again that it's more the psychological and emotional aspects that appeal to me. The idea that there is someone other than myself--someone who greatly cares about me--who has the final say in most of our decisions...well, that does something to me. It makes my eyelids heavy.

For the longest time I've wished I could find the guy I'm seeking in the old-fashioned way. Meet him through friends or work or even in the grocery store. Date for awhile, realize there is real potential for us. I've wished he would silently test me, maybe while walking somewhere together, he'd guide my direction by lightly taking my arm. Maybe I'd test back by slightly resisting, which would only cause him to tighten his grip, which would make me go weak in the knees. Maybe after awhile of dating we'd have our first argument and I'd be yelling and throwing a bit of a tantrum. Maybe he'd abruptly pull me over his knee and spank me until I was sobbing, as much from disbelief as from the pain of it. Maybe then he'd tell me to apologize to him, and--through my sobs--I would. Then he'd hold me and kiss me and tell me in a soft but firm voice how things are going to be different now, how it's time I finally realize who I belong to...

Oh, but it never happens that way. Instead, when the chemistry is there and I finally get tired of waiting for something to happen, I tell him. I say, "By the way, um (cough), I'm submissive." And every single time he is alarmed. He doesn't know what to do with the information. It makes him uncomfortable. He worries about me. It doesn't work.

So here I am. Putting it out there. Probably divulging way too much information, enough that I may not be able to take the next step even though I long to take it...

Well, anyway, here it is.

I'm attractive, 45, intelligent, fun, kind and down-to-earth. I'm tall and slender, with long brown hair, big brown eyes, small breasts, a fairly flat stomach, curvy hips, long, muscular legs, and a warm, open smile. I'm also opinionated and outspoken so if you're looking for a quiet submissive, I advise you to keep looking. I will not submit to just anybody. And please--PLEASE--don't waste my time or yours with the ridiculous notion that all you have to say is "on your knees, slave" and that I'll come running to you. If you want my submission and adoration, you must first prove yourself to be caring, kind, nurturing, capable, confident, intelligent, sincere and strong. However, as a human being, you should also be unafraid to show your vulnerabilities or to lean on me (your partner, if we get to that point) when you need to do so. I also hope you’re a feminist who understands that each person (male or female) has the right to choose his or her sexuality. D/s happens to be what I respond to and what I choose for me.

All that being said, please understand that this sort of relationship is complex and multi-layered. Yes, I yearn to "belong" to someone but that's not to say that I don't also periodically struggle with my feelings--it would be nice to find someone who is so accepting and pleased with my submissive desires that he wants nothing more than to nurture that part of me (I've been in a few relationships where my boyfriends have insisted that it's not "normal" to want to submit. Frustrating for me to say the least). To that end, I think it is important to be unafraid to examine the "whys" of D/s. If you believe that "turning over the rock" will ruin D/s for you, then you are likely not for me, as I am someone who finds it almost necessary to understand how I/we got to be this way ("nature" is not the simple answer for me because I refuse to believe that women who are not submissive or men who are not dominant are somehow aberrant-- they are not).

Other miscellaneous bits of information:

*I think Darwin might've been onto something with that whole wacky theory of evolution. I also happen to believe the world is round. And, you know what, sometimes medicine is a necessary and good thing, like when you're about to die from an infection that's surging through your body. (I guess this bit of information demonstrates that I'm more science-minded than God-minded, as well as that I can be a little sarcastic).

*That's not to say that I can't get a bit new-agey on your ass though. For instance, my life is not all figured out (I'm still playing career games) and I've suffered some blows along the way (as in people I love dying at a young age), but I'm moving forward and enjoying the journey (that was the semi-new-age part).

*I'm a bit of a tomboy-- you're more likely to find me in sneakers or a pair of flip-flops than a pair of heels (although I do wear them from time to time).

*I like going out but I can also be a bit of a homebody. A balance of the two is good for me.

*I prefer warm-weather to cold and I like iced chais but not coffee.

More about you (what I require):

*Please be SINGLE. I am not looking for a poly relationship nor am I looking for someone who is cheating on his wife or girlfriend. Absolutely no exceptions to this--if you have chosen to stay in an unhappy marriage for the "sake of the children" then stay in it wholeheartedly--or go find a woman who wants to spend her time and energy nurturing a relationship with someone who is able to be only partially present.

*Please be a NONSMOKER. Sorry if that seems prudish, but I immensely dislike the smell of cigarettes and can't imagine kissing someone who purposefully inhales nicotine, tar and all that other crap. Again, absolutely no exceptions to this requirement.

*Please have an idea of what you want from a D/s relationship. Is it something you prefer to keep in the bedroom or are you seeking a dynamic that moves beyond the sexual realm? Is this something you're simply exploring or is this something you feel you need in order to be fully satisfied with your life?

*Please be able to tell me which specific aspects of D/s most intrigue you. When you get right down to it, D/s is an umbrella term for a kink that can encompass many things. Yes, yes, sexuality is dynamic and one's desires can certainly change with time or with partner. Still, you MUST fantasize and I'm sure your fantasies have themes. So which of the following (in no particular order) does it for you: bondage; humiliation; discipline; role play (if this, what kind); body worship; pain; piercings; objectification; clothing; something else? I am well aware of what does it for me, but I've found that when I'm too forthcoming with that information, men simply parrot everything I say, even if what they're saying is a bold-faced lie. For this reason, I'd like you to first name your specific interests. I'll let you know if we're a match.

*Finally, please be between the ages of 39-55. I know it's not the most open-minded thing that I'm not willing to go younger but for whatever reason, I'm not.