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I have been told by someone that there is something in my profile that scares her. I find this interesting. She didn't say what it was. I will admit that I am very intense both physically and intellectually. Always have been and I make no apologies for it. And I am open to discussion as to what scares you. This is after all a rather "safe" forum.

Interesting Article What happens when BDSM roles are applied to life outside the bedroom? "It's usually the most powerful who want to relinquish it. There is great freedom in submission," says the Edmonton "dom," who wears the proverbial pants in his alternative relationships. BDSM stands for Bondage, Discipline, Domination and Submission, Sadism and Masochism, a spectrum of power-related role-playing activities, often sexual in nature, that can involve inflicting pain for pleasure on a consenting playmate. A "dom," or dominant, is the person in power, and a "sub," or submissive, is the person who gives up control, either for a set period of time or in an ongoing relationship. We all vie for control and cede to authority to some extent in our lives. You submit to your boss and to the law. A parent may be deferential in their public or private life, but be very domineering when it comes to their child. The power dynamics of D/s -- dominance and submission -- are not exempt from the bedroom, either. "We have both sides in our nature," says Calgary sexologist Trina Read, "but most people are followers. They don't feel comfortable taking on a leadership role, especially in bed." Lack of initiation is one of the biggest problems in long-term relationships, next to lack of communication, says Read. "Generally, one partner initiates sex more than the other. But after being rejected over and over again, they eventually give up, and it's harder to keep sex going," she says. And, ironically, those you'd expect to wield the whips and paddles behind closed doors would often sooner be muzzled, flogged and nipple-clamped into submission, says Read. "The high-powered exec type or control freak outside the bedroom generally likes to have someone control them inside the bedroom," she says. "It's probably the one place they let themselves be vulnerable and open, and trust enough to lay down their guard." Some people don't have a submissive bone in their bodies, says Jim, while others derive self-worth, comfort and security from being in a supportive role. "The 1950's housewife from the Leave It To Beaver days is the perfect example of a classic dom/sub relationship," he says. "There are still plenty of people who choose to live this way today who are perfectly happy." It might be hard to wrap your head around, considering the prevailing trend in recent decades toward establishing equality between partners in committed relationships. After all, why would someone who wasn't sick, abused or coerced, choose to be in an unequal relationship? In his book, SM 101, Jay Wiseman calls the BDSM lifestyle a "profound act of social pioneering" for those who have already established their equality as adults, but just don't want it in their intimate partnerships. "Equality had been held as the gold standard for relationships for so long that it's all but inconceivable to many people that a relationship which recognizes another standard could be healthy, stable and happy for all concerned," writes Wiseman. "And yet, there seems to be a large and growing number of couples in this country who are in consensually unequal SM relationships." Such inequality may involve erotic power transfer only, or it may extend to day-to-day decision-making -- like cooking and cleaning -- as with Jim and his common-law wife Usha, who live the dom/sub lifestyle 24-7. "It's innate to me. I like to please. Because I submit to Jim, I'm much stronger with others in the rest of my life," says the 42-year-old, who identifies as a feminist. "Feminism is about having choices. This is my choice. It's natural and normal for me. Most people in healthy relationships do things to see a smile on their partner's face. This is who I am." While most people move between the two extremes, based on need or instinct, we typically identify with one power orientation more strongly than another, says Don, another Edmonton dom. "It's often a part of your upbringing that carries on. If someone has had a powerless childhood, they might want to take on a dominant role, or they may be more comfortable as a submissive. It could go either way," says the 43-year-old businessman and father of three. Usha admits she didn't get enough approval from her parents, and her early years were abusive and painful. As an adult, she found herself in one destructive relationship after another, before seeking therapy, figuring things out and meeting Jim. "I finally realized I didn't want someone who was abusive, I just wanted someone who was dominant. I needed to be loved and valued, but I wanted to come second," she says. When in public, Jim walks in front of Usha as a sign of his dominance. She can be seen at BDSM events wearing a collar around her neck, a symbol of her servitude to her life partner. "Not unlike a wedding ring," she says. The bruises on her back and thighs are the signs of sane, negotiated power play with her lover, not marks of abuse, she says. They might be alarming to her family doctor, but for the fact that he's also into the BDSM lifestyle. Usha is more in control than she lets on. She's not a victim; although a slave, of sorts, she's the master of her destiny. "Dom-sub relationships wouldn't work for very long unless both parties were kept happy," says Don. "Communication is key, and you have to negotiate terms that work for both of you if you want it to last. In an abusive relationship, power is taken away from you. In BDSM, the submissive holds the big stop button. They are ultimately in control of what they'll submit to." Are you a giver or a taker? A leader or a follower? A master or a slave at heart? Would you sooner tie up and spank your lover, or be the one restrained and helpless? If you're not sure, next time you give yourself some self-lovin', take a close look at what you fantasize about just before you peak. You might be surprised by the starring role you cast yourself in. "Some people already dabble in power play and don't even know it," says Jim. "Zorro and the Helpless Lady, Cowboys and Indians, Klingon and Trekkie -- these are in the same vein as the power exchanges we do." Tapping into your unexpressed fantasy world through safe, consensual play can help you explore yourself more fully, he adds, although a beating on the bottom may not be your thing. It isn't for everyone. The Big Boss inside of you may not wear a power suit or have a Type A personality after all. And the freedom of knowing yourself can't possibly hurt your sex life. Jennifer Parks, edmontonjournal.com Published: Friday, April 18

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