mrawkk

I'm in a period of trying to new things, meeting new people, and exploring my options. Night after night I end up slightly disappointed.

Sometimes I get so far from an actualization of my own self concept that I totally disassociate. All I want is for someone to make me feel my skin again as rough as they possibly can. 

However, most times what I really crave is true comfort. By true I mean the direct antecedent of "out of your comfort zone."

I crave likeness! I want similarity in values, beliefs, attitudes, interests, intellect, attraction, and sexual desires. 

This profile on collarme is about my need to find sexual likeness... but after coming so close to knowing bold compatibility I can't settle for only sexual likeness and attraction. 

 I want someone as adventurous as me, who wants to wander from party, to the woods, to an abandoned industrial site. Someone who wants to break rules, break into places, and explore all the nooks and crannies of the world. 

I want someone who also believes in total compassion for all people's. Who thinks big picture and acts critically. And I want someone who believes that we could build the systems to replace the government and the economy; not a chaotic anarchy but a highly sophisticated organization of people who can govern themselves and are truly free.

I want someone who interacts with the energy of the world by slowly watching and appreciating it and all that it encompasses. 

I want someone who believes in the possibility of mystery, ambiguity, and the unknowable. 

I want someone who values simplicity like I do; who doesn't want to always work for a paycheck and buy their means of survival. Someone who chooses to have as little as possible in exchange for their personal growth and the things you can not cultivate with money like family, community, and sanity. 

I want someone as boundlessly passionate as I am. Who can not contain the fierce love for so many things and over pours with the desire to live dedicated to our many loves. 

I want to destroy the separation of mind body and spirit and totally share myself with someone; someone who can see, feel, and absorb me in all it's grace.

 Even when I come so close... the self destructive human condition gets us every time. 

It could only be therapeutic to physically manifest such instincts. 

One small comfort; still not quite the same as being comforted. 

Myself and fantasies have been stuffed up far too long. Have you ever wanted to just jump someone so bad your body hurt... it's not like I'm entirely alone, but the desire to be with someone else is so intense.  The desire to submit even to just to go as far as pleasuring someone else would be lovely, with a belt around my neck.

I find myself sitting today next to my FwB, thinking my scarf is rigged around my neck right now just like a choke chain.... wishing he would just grab the end and tighten it and pull me down.... It's become an obsession in my head whenever I have a spare free moment in my head I'm thinking about domination. About pleasing someone new, how appreciative and suprised they would be at my skills.

It gets so much worse since I've been working out a lot this week, my adrenaline is through the roof and my body is sore and all I want to do is stretch it out by getting twisted like a pretzel. And of course smoking pot does not help. It sets all my cells on fire makes me warm from the inside out and makes my skin ticklish.

I feel like the urge to submit is just a game to many people; something they see in a book and say I'd like to liven things up. This is an intense part of me as a person... before I knew what bdsm was I had fantasies.... non sexual fantasies. As a little girl I would pretend to be cinderalla but I wasn't playing the fairy god mother parts or the prince charming parts. I played cinderella and the wicked step mother. I would pretend I was being ordered around, yelled at, and beaten.

I was fascinated with this acme cartoon where new animals babies were processed by a factory and they were picked up and slid down conveyor belts and there was a part where a mechanical hand lifted up the crying baby and smacked it, and after that I became fascinated with drawing and designing spanking machines.

I had rape fantasies as early as 12 years old. Not that I don't want a normal relationship... I just want a normal relationship with someone who will order me around and worship my mouth. Haha

I just wish I could stop thinking about it so much... needing it.
I get such a rush... when my FwB takes a little step outside himself and makes me submit though it's not often... I want something more. Hoping to find it... soon