I can be a strong independent, in-charge type of woman.  I tend to take on that role in most of my dealings with people.  Somewhat due to my need to have things organized, some because I want things done correctly.  Mostly, because I don’t trust a lot of people. In this role I appear confident, self-assured and fairly easy-going-unless you cross me.

I do have moments of weakness, times that I hide from the world because I am not strong enough to be able to interact with the general population.  I have deep seated fears that I have never confessed to anyone, and most likely never will. 

 At times I desire to give control over to someone with the strength, integrity, honor, and passion to take that control.  To mold me to their desires, to shape me with their will.  To give that One, with the strength that makes me want to submit, the best that I can in everything.  These cravings are sometimes almost unbearable.  I have found very few people that make me feel that way anymore.  I desire to find One(s) who will hold me accountable and who will ensure that I have finished any tasks assigned and that I am following their guidelines as set for me, One(s) that will show their care and concern by following through with what they say and punishing me for disobedience.  
I do not like “funishments” When I am submissive to a person, they do not need to invent a reason to punish me.  I much prefer being able to please and for the scene be a reward for a job well done.  (I am a masochist after all).

That desire to please, the need for another person, I have buried deep inside, forcing myself to be strong, to do things on my own.  It is not my natural state, it was never something I craved the way that I crave to submit to someone. I identify as a switch at this point in my life, simply because there is nothing else that really fits me.  I am made up of many, seemingly disjointed parts:

I am a masochist- I crave physical pain, hurting me is usually the fasted way to get me to orgasm.

I can be submissive- but only to someone that I respect and trust implicitly

I can be a bottom- I am a masochist that has needs to be filled and while I do not identify bottoming as being submissive I am on the receiving end of the pain that I crave.

I can be Dominant- This seems to be the default in my life and I have friends that cannot picture me any other way, but they choose not see the longing buried deep in my heart.

I can be a Top- I enjoy inflicting pain and suffering as well as pleasure on those that put themselves in my hands.

I can be a little girl- This tends to be my most protected persona. Very few people actually get to see this trusting and vulnerable side of me, though I crave the feeling of being safely wrapped in Daddy’s arms

I can be a Mama- For those that bring out my protective and nurturing side (there are VERY few on this list)

I can’t be anything other than myself

I am Not an emotional masochist- I have enough demons running around in my head with negative soundtracks playing on repeat. I do not want, nor need, to add to them.

In my life I crave connections that enrich me, that force me to be a better person.  That can take on many forms and usually does. 

In school for the first time since I dropped out of High school.  I am proud of myself I am in my 3rd quarter and I have an "A" average. 

There are days when I wonder if I will ever find One(s) that actually want both the sexual as well as service aspects that I offer.  It is not the easiest search, as most want all one or the other.  :(

FIRE and ICE

Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.

Robert Frost

It's all I have to bring today by Emily Dickinson

It's all I have to bring to-day,
This, and my heart beside,
This, and my heart, and all the fields,
And all the meadows wide.
Be sure you count, should I forget,
Someone the sum could tell,
This, and my heart, and all the bees
Which in the clover dwell.

Mark Ivar Myhre

Frenzied and scattered and
Out of Control

And all I can see is the lostness of soul.

Don't know if I'm coming
Don't know if I go
Don't know if the answer
I don't know, I don't know.

Grasping and reaching but
Nothing is there

And all I can see is the smell in the air.

The anger is coming
The anger is here
The anger is knowing
It's all that I fear.

It's coming from me
But I blame it on you
It's making me blind
I don't know what to do.

It's burning me down
It eats me alive
It's hurting me now
I'll never survive.

The anger is real
But I make it a lie
The anger I feel
Is the anger I hide.

Nobody can see it
Nobody can know
Nobody can touch it
I don't know, I don't know.

Hope is a Thing With Feathers by Emily Dickinson

Hope is a thing with feathers
That perches in the soul
And sings a tune without words
And never stops at all.

And sweetest, in the gale, is heard
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That keeps so many warm.

I've heard it in the chilliest land
And on the strangest sea
Yet, never, in extremity
It ask a crumb of me.