MissBenson

Oh , YIPPEEE .  I got to be , lucky ME , on the receiving end of a rightwing Vat of Douche Classic : The " Why are you Liberals so AAAAngryy ? " ploy.  Gee.  Maybe because you members of a  minority cult that has zero to do with christ's teachings but INSISTS on not only calling itself christianity but further insists it is the ONE AND ONLY christianity have been increasingly over the last thirty YEARS ramming your profoundly hateful , vicious , pathological social engineering down the throats of ALL AMERICANS who , you clearly need reminding , DO NOT SUBSCRIBE TO YOUR CULT !!!! Could it be that ??  COULD it ?  The rape via ultrasound, the shutting down of ( in some states like Mississippi , ALL ) health clinics that not only serve in the main the poor and disenfranchised but verifiably do far more than offering abortions , the ceasing to give half a shit about babies once they are born but wasting unimaginable amounts of time , money and energy :defending" them when they are not even a them yet but rather a couple of CELLS , the feverish work to prevent the public access to all forms of contraception , the laws blatantly intended to disenfranchise all the voters who do not vote for YOUR ILK while shrieking that they are intended to prevent a voter fraud that .....verifiably does not exist , the insistence on contracts for ludicrously expensive equipment the military has SAID IT DOES NOT WANT because the factories that make them are in your state , the enabling and encouraging and protecting of the most grotesque polluters imaginable and the hell with your constituents who are suffering , falling ill or even dying because of that , the bankrolling by the most extreme and wealthy rightwing terrorists among you of laws , elections , and anything else they can get their paws on pushing this agenda in every state incuding vile endeavors to RESEGREGATE ENTIRE SCHOOL DISTRICTS , the passing of laws etc to give every help to then prison INDUSTRY and here I am talking about actually passing legislation criminalizing as many behaviors previously considered as misdemeanors so as to ensure an ever larger prison population and therefore ever larger profits ....the list would take forever to type . But hey , why ARE we Liberals so aaaaanngryyy????  This is not being disingenuous , this is being a lying bag  of shit pal , and to add insult to injury not even having the  SACK to admit to what you're doing .  WEAK . So ,  this  nightmare of yours , this Old-school , Thomas Paine-style,  out and proud , more patriotic than your miserable ass will EVER be , long-gun behind the kitchen door LIBERAL sincerely hopes you and all your kind drop dead. Soon. An out-of-control train , a speeding meteor, a sociopath with one of the meant only for warfare weapons your NRA buddies have ensured he had unfettered access to...I'm not fussy .   

Ohh, the HORRAHH.  I am still stuck in the uber white ,  provincial,  blink and you miss it , tolerable only during the brief warm season S. Eastern CT. shoreline town so to see my lawyer in NYC ( deeply ugly inheritance issue ) I had to do a THREEHUNNERT mile round trip in one day which , if you are severely chronically ill , is a Big Deal . The trip itself seemed to be quicker than it has ever been and yay for no Metro North conductor deciding to have a little zizz at the wheel and killing us all , this trip .  Until the Very Loud Middle-Aged lady who WOULD NOT SHUT UP and harangued her little coterie all the fucking way to the city . Yes , I was trapped on TWO commuter trains with this bitch . At one pt. they were discussing ....sorry , she was monologuizing on a fairly interesting subject but THAT VOICE made it torture to listen to. How is it that some folks simply cannot hear themselves??  [ OR see...]  I came so close to asking her friends , as I left the train at Grand Central..." Does she EVER SHUT UP ? " .     And then on the way back......sob , shiver....the... the ..the VELOUR top ...snif...printed with a PEACOCK FEATHER pattern , RUCHED ..sobsob.....AND PRINTED WITH PERMA-pleat marks !!!!!  Worn by a braless older woman !! [ Breaks down completely ...]  All the way...vaBOOM vaBOOM vaBOOM . VAflabbyunrestrainedBOOM . Baby, no one wants to see your...or if the truth be told anyones tatas whapping around LIKE A CIRCUS RIDE , OKAY ?? NOT in PUBLIC , ok ? I am fair...if you are a guy I and most of humanity emphatically don't want to have forced upon us incontrovertible evidence you are freeballin' it , especially if it is warm and you are wearing SHORTS . Ew. What the fuck people .

Roast chicken rubbed inside and out with fresh lemon thyme and coarse sea salt , and the taters thereof , so moist even the breast is juicy tender and not boring ; spoon bread , faintly steamed round zucchini from my kitchen garden ; and triple strawberry cake . My strawberries of course . Oink .

I meant to write ...it makes me ANGRY and sad...    Paws , meet Severe Chronic Lyme Disease , SCLD , meet paws . Oh look Buffy !   Rheumatoid Arthritis is here TOO ! It's a party !  Onward . I am not a Sadist , I am Cruel .  There IS a difference after all . Cruel has more ....panache ? It is more SPECIFIC. Sadist is quite general , as a description . I think of Being Cruel as having a great deal of STYLE.  Not unlike Sweet Me *  The Cruel love knives , fire , whips, leather ( black , thank you very much )  ......after all , even if you don't like these things surely honesty will oblige you to admit that they are beautiful , and have style to spare . And they require a great deal of control , self-control , and ideally a creative , theatrical , spiritual intelligence on the part of The Cruel ; and  a great deal of self-control , intelligent abandon , capacity to APPRECIATE and properly RESPOND to the work of art/religious service the Cruel has created - on the part of the Worshipper for the experience to work , for the two halves to make , as in the case of every legitimately mystical ( OR religious ) experience  , something greater than those two halves ....

[ * MAAAjor brownie points for anyone who knows where " Sweet Me" comes from . Think fiercely funny gay comic artist ...]

Ohh- kaaAYY. MAybe it's time - again- to take a little vacation from collarme . Because seriously. In the last two weeks alone I have gotten a dozen enquiries from folks who either wrote me notes that consisted of ....only one or two sentences and therefore were , as well as rude , devoid of any information about the suppliant that I could respond TO ; notes that were meatier and written by seemingly normal/potentially interesting people ...who disappeared after a few phone calls or ( MY favorite ) refused to fall in with my simplest initial requests . Topping from the bottom anyone . Then there were the "people" who wrote what I EXPLICITLY said in my profile I did not want to hear: lengthy , overtly sexual lists of tricks , what had been done to them by their exes , abilities , services , all of course thinly cloaked demands . I neither know nor care whether these mannerless imbeciles know what they are doing when they write so....it is sufficient that they write what I explicitly say I don't want to receive .  Though I do feel that the fecal cherry on top of this shit sundae IS that they will not/cannot tell me who they ARE...in other words outside of the dungeon .  Clearly people unfamiliar with the meaning of the word " well-rounded " SO tedious . Perhaps there IS no there there and I am better off without them , in fact certainly , , but it makes me unhappy and sad and ...when I have the energy FOR it.... furious that there seems to be noone here who is ....anything like me . It's like being the last basilisk in the world . 

Another day wrapped in the FABULOUSNESS that is being Severely Chronically Ill. Today we featured the " But you don't LOOOK SIIICK " routine from yet ANOTHER clueless asshole.   Rrrrrgh. THAT'S right ! Ya GOT me !! I'm not sick at ALL !  I magically knew - eighteen years ago - I would meet the festival of intelligence and empathy that is YOu today so in preparation FOR that crucial moment I pretended to be sick as a dog, in pain , weak and exhausted and terrified and furious , uninsured and unmedicated  FOR EIGHTEEN YEARS , ruining my life and destroying any chance at a career , a vocation, a spouse , a family , a normal life ....ALL so I could fool some random bag of scheiss on this very day ...pull the wool right over their eyes hoho !!!  Yep .  You betcha .  Jesus fucking CHRIST in a BOAT. 

MMmmmmmmmMMMMM. Vinegar PIE .  Nom nom NOMMnom.

Here we go again.  A note from yet another "man" who wants to be a 24/7 slave when I explicitly STATe in my profile that that is NOT what I want.  I have lost count of these bossy felch-biscuits .  The relations between the sexes in a pushy, obnoxious, entitled , deluded that they are the better? stronger? more deserving sex??- in a motherfucking MICROCOSM . VOMIT.

What the MERRY FUCK is it that leads so many girly-boys/men , so many would-be male wives , so VERY many sissy subs to write me as though they confidently expected me to be partial to that sort of thing ???  WHAT?  AGH .  Certainly not my profile , which mentions nothing of the sort . Nor these journal entries .  If I were into that kind of thing do they imagine I would not mention it?  Seeing as it IS kind of a big deal and all ??   I find femmy straight or bisexual guys completely and utterly unappetizing , just for the record , and anyone intending to fly into a poutstorm over this statement should FUCK OFF VERY RAPIDLY .   This is another mystifying phenomenon....the sense that you are ENTITLED to surge into a rage if anyone , especially a woman you might desire , says they are NOT INTO what YOU ARE into .   Because you are not entitled . No , not even the tiniest little bit. [ And for the record when I tell someone girly that I am not interested I am kind about it unless they have proven themselves to be a mannerless assmunch in their note to me but here in my journal the good manners that I own do not obtain so I  am not going to mince my words . ] So , feminine men do NOTHING for me in the dungeon or the bedroom .....so-called feminine men who are fags and friend material I adore  but that is a swish of a different lame .  I tend to be pleased by very MALE males .  Think Big Old Gay Leather Daddy only straight  .   And FORCING them to , say, suck a cock.....with everything that might do to a straight man.....well gaspshiver. Frankly just thinking of it makes me growl like a hungry wolf in front of a minute steak . I give good growl .  As for forcing a bisexual man to do so obviously there would not be the shock and humiliation and various fears ( will I like it , will it turn me , ohmygodI'mgettinghard ,  will I do it well enough to please her , might she hold it AGAINST ME , fear and desire  are never particularly politically CORRECT ) that a straight man might feel but one would still be able to humiliate and shame in an overwhelming and thrilling manner , I believe . After all not everyone wants to be seen doing things , sexual things , to partner B by partner A .  VERY sexy.  And yes , obviously I have never had much use for political CORRECTNESS in the dungeon or the bedroom...possibly because it is simply horseshit . Oh , I am - since I adore this country and can ADD and subtract - an out and proud liberal , but that is another arena entirely .   Now about the exhibitionism I mentioned just a moment ago , and also the issue of desire and LOVE. Of course floating questions about choosing between desire and love or BDSM  are , or if you have any fucking self-respect AT ALL should be , false questions ...but I was nevertheless touched and charmed and acknowledged to some degree a kindred soul when an older fellow that was part of a panel for an event at Paddles in NYC , and whose umbrella kink seemed to be being a Daddy to his household of " little girls "  ( NO MINORS I hasten to add ) said with unmistakable sincerity that LOVE was paramount to him and that if he had to choose between love and Kink he'd choose LOVE in a heartbeat .   Well , yes . SUCH a darling . Love is paramount to me too...and I do not mind saying that though promiscuity can be perfectly wholesome at certain times and places- fuck knows I have been in the past - and that if you are promiscuous there is hardly even the POSSIBILITY of love and the gifts that knowing your partner brings so it is not an ISSUE, it is nonetheless disheartening to me to see so many members of the BDSM world use each other so often as though they were inanimate objects.  Say a vibrating vagina that magically manages to beat you just the way you like . [  People whose kink that is , shut the fuck up and sit the fuck down. You know perfectly well what I am talking about and if you do NOT you are emphatically too stupid to be reading this . Go away NOW . ]  Goddess knows I have seen enough of that here, invariably from men I might add . No interest in learning each other , no appetite for the delights of that intimate knowledge can bring , how incredibly COWARDLY AND BORING .   BOOOOORRIIIIINGG .  And on the subject of boring - exhibitionism , which it is Absolutely taken for granted everyone is dripping with !!!  ARE you assholes demented.   Talk about boring . I am not only saying that I find playing in public to generally be boring for ME and my partner , and that I find it IMPOSSIBLE to generate the sexual/spiritual/neurological experience I desire ( and wish to give ) in PUBLIC , but  frankly that I would have nothing to bitch about if only it were not assumed wholesale that I find playing in public with rows and rows of folks like some sort of desperately UNAPPETIZING dreary rudeness SUPERMARKET ...just fahhbulous. And that I am some sort of freak ( !!! ) but not in a good way because I do not like it .  I don't find it faabulous , I find it drab and awful . And now all this talk of forcing handsome boys  to gorge on manmeat has made me very hungry...must go buy some taters to roast with the plump chicken waiting in the fridge. I'm thinking rosemary and berbere . We retired cooks are serious about our food you know .

My rats ! She found My BIRTHDAY Rats !!!  No , not the Rattus Norvegicus gross vile icky disease-bearing and frankly creepy kind. I thought I had lost one or both of them during my move to the WonderBread Wonderland that is Southeastern CT from my Beloved Brooklyn ( Yes , still in fucking exile  , buy my and my parents' houses ok? Or perhaps you have some well-off friends that would ? They are fabulous houses , really .) but yesterday my cleaning lady found them both ! My last birthday in my Beloved Brooklyn was my 49th , and at some point during the fractured fairytale that was my birthday pub-crawl someone gifted me with two small seductively squeezable , not gross at all rat toys .   All I remember of the evening with any clarity is downing one Sueno Cubano after another ( an invention of mine ) and then waking up with my lil rats clutched in my paws. For some reason I find it very soothing to squeeze them .  Snicker.  It's ....it's the LITTLE things you know .

And here is another thing noone , no matter what a Big Old Top they are , dominates . Death.  Which swooped down on my house with wings made of filthy rags , charnel house breath and a cold that freezes the very blood in the veins and took my puppy. Who would have been THREE MONTHS old last Sunday . FUCK You , Death.

Perhaps  , when I have somehow found a way to heal  , at least to some degree , all that EIGHTEEN YEARS of severe chronic illnesses have done to this poor old carcass I will start my OWN BDSM site....one where the algorithm designed by some clever uber-nerd weeds out the Pointlessly Hostile , the Topping from the Bottom , the Ineffably Tedious , the Gynophobic , and the Unspeakably Drab and Awful . [ Yes , that last was Monty Python .]  A girl can dream...    And now....I have to go clean up puppy poop , a substance that reminds us ( and as I just wrote someone here ) that where babies of whatever species are concerned , NOONE is a Top . Because while you are cleaning up Lakes Of Waz or Worse you are emphatically dominating nothing . Oh , OHH - KAAYY...maybe once it is all cleaned up you can tell yourself that you dominated the gross and filthy , eh? snicker .  Hm. Beginning to rethink my past kvetching that I did not want an entire Household , that oh my christ it was too much WORK......having a slave clean up the puppybeast feces sounds awfully good right now .