MischievousWench

Somewhere else:

It's an ache that never heals
It's the deepest cut you feel
It's the thing in you that feeds
The animal in me

It's the darker side of lust
It's the other side of us
It's the thing in you that feeds
The animal in me, the animal in me... (Motley Crue - The Animal In Me)

ALICIA AROL LIVES ON

***I'm an unconventional, non religious but "spiritual" in my own way, free spirited, keenly intelligent, deep, & aware of more things than I WISH I were aware of in this life, woman/child who is ALWAYS much happier when she is in shorts & sneakers rather than in evening gowns & high heels. I innately/instinctively realize that I'm only gonna TRULY appeal to a certain type of guy, but it goes both ways, baby, because while I am ADMITTEDLY lonely & "starting over"-starting from SCRATCH in the state I was born & raised in I'm still not gonna EVER AGAIN "settle" for less than what I want in a FRIEND, LOVER, etc: I'd HONESTLY rather be ALONE...

Here are just a few "tidbits" about me:

I live to WRITE & WRITING is what keeps me ALIVE...

I still possess my LIFELONG LOVE of reading.

Classic Rock & Alternative Rock is the type of music that really, really, REALLY gets me going... (Think along the lines of AC/DC, Aerosmith, Tom Petty, Rolling Stones, Bob Seger, Joe Walsh, Alice In Chains, Metallica, Poison, Def Leppard, Duran Duran, Joe Cocker, Motley Crue, Fall Out Boy, Pink, Seether, & Saving Abel if you wish to know what kind of music really gets my blood pumping-especially when I'm working out while blasting said music into my happy ears... )

I've been writing songs, poems, & "in general" since I was in grade school.

I have a BA in English.

I LOVE to exercise!!!!!

I LOVE to LAUGH!!!!!

I absolutely LOVE the water (showers, pools, jacuzzis, the ocean-ALL CLEAN WATER)!!!!!

***I gained A LOT of weight & then THANKFULLY (over a period of years) lost most of that excess, UNWANTED by me weight (along with the UNWANTED by me man with whom I had gained far too much weight in the first place). I've kept the weight off for over 2 years now, & I intend to continue doing everything in my power to insure that I TO NEVER, EVER, EVER GET THAT HEAVY AGAIN!!!!!!!

I NEVER, ever, ever believed in a million years that this site would return to us IN ITS ORIGINAL FORM!!!!!

***I have intentionally deleted my entire old profile deion, but if you want to know more about the "Real Me" & you have some free time on your hands feel free to read some or all of my old journal entries that span over a year's time...

FOR NOW:  I absolutely LOVE the "Fifty Shades of Grey" series of books (& I LOVE those books for a hell of a lot more than the explicit sex contained w/in em)!!!!  LOL

Sincerely,

"Mistress Alicia" (who detests being CRUEL, but who ACHES to be WORSHIPED)

You can have my isolation; you can have the hate that it brings
You can have my absence of faith; you can have my everything

Help me tear down my reason
Help me; it's your sex I can smell
Help me; you make me perfect
HELP ME BECOME SOMEBODY ELSE...  (NINE INCH NAILS-CLOSER-ONE OF MY FAVORITES!)

It's an ache that never heals
It's the deepest cut you feel
It's the thing in you that feeds
The animal in me
It's the darker side of lust
It's the other side of us
It's the thing in you that feeds
The animal in me

I want to be your last breath
Before we suffocate...  (Motley Crue-ANIMAL IN ME-on my mp3 player)

You've been robbed, you've been used
You've been crucified and abused
You've been sacrificed and now you're confused
Ain't that the truth? Yeah, yeah

You've got a hole in your head
And it's a cold empty spot in your big brass bed

When you're mad at the world
And you feeling like you're losing control

All you need to get by is a little bit of soul
Oh a little bit of soul, yeah...  (Bon Jovi Little Bit Of soul lyrics)

As an "aside":  One out of a "million" FAVORITE FILMS (in just about every genre you can think of EXCEPT FOR THOSE SICK, MOTHER FKING, "SLASHER FILMS") of mine would definitely have to be the movie "Love & Other Drugs" that I watched on DVD a few years ago...

1/2/14:  Disconnect is an absolutely realistic, exceptionally well acted, raw look at "The age of Internet"/age of social media & what ALL of it means in terms of OUR INDIVIDUAL PRIVACY (among other things):  I LOVED/ENJOYED every second of this brilliant film!  (I watched this film on DVD last night by myself & a few days ago with my mother.)

(I ALSO absolutely LOVED "The Notebook", "The Ledge", "Red Dog", "Source Code", all the Spiderman, Superman, & Batman films released in "my time", "9 1/2 Weeks", "White Palace", "Away From Her", "Sex, Lies, & Videotape", "Jumper", "American History X", "The Water Horse", "ET", The entire Twilight series, "One Day", "The Vow", "Dead Poet's Society", & VERY RECENTLY "Rust & Bone", The Intouchables, & "The Host"-to name a "handful" off the top of my head out of a "million" fantastic movies I've watched throughout my lifetime... )

Recently saw "Now You See Me"=What an absolutely ENJOYABLE movie to watch.  I LOVED every second of that movie!  Recently saw "The Heat" and practically PEED MY PANTS laughing!!!!  Recently saw & LOVED the first 2 Hunger Games movies as well as Elysium=I do STRONGLY believe that Hunger games plus Elysium will ultimately be our FATE if we do not wise up & wake up, but this SEX site is not the forum for "those kinds" of beliefs, & I very much do wish to experience sexual intimacy with another person again, BUT ONLY ON MY FKING TERMS OR ELSE NOT AT ALL!!!!  (In the meantime I have infinite patience, the internet, & a drawer full of toys...  LOL)

I FALSELY believed that the LAW would be on MY SIDE.

I FALSELY believed that good (me & my INNOCENT pug dog Omar) would WIN OUT over PURE EVIL (the landlord WHO LIVES RIGHT NEXT DOOR & DEFINITELY KNEW THAT OMAR & I WERE LIVING HERE but who now that my roommate whom I had up until recently viewed as one of the nicest people I had ever met in my life has moved in with his girlfriend & left me high & dry wants to treat me as an unwanted TRESPASSER with absolutely no legal right to be on his property rather than as the 4 month PAYING roommate of the landlord's 5 year tenant).

The guy I moved in with & paid $1500 to UPFRONT on Feb 8, 2014 had responded to my CL ad ISO a roommate.  I have PROOF that I paid this guy 4 months worth of rent.  I have PROOF of all the back & forth correspondence that took place between him & me BEFORE I finally agreed to move in with him, & I have PROOF that I changed my address to this address, yet the police who came here as a result of that EVIL FKING LANDLORD'S 100% bogus 911 call scoffed at all of my so called proof because I had not been paying the landlord directly & did not have a written contract with my roommate who was a "Tenant at Will" here.  Unless being naive & trustworthy & a believer in the general GOODNESS of people has suddenly become a crime in the U.S. then I was guilty of absolutely nothing, yet instead of getting the 30 days that every other TENANT in the U.S. would get in order to have ample time to find a new place to call home I get a measly 7 days-if that because the EVIL FK whom I truly believe 100% knew I was his tenant's ROOMMATE (not his tenant's girlfriend or family member as he is now "claiming" was his belief) has already (yesterday) made a completely BOGUS 911 call in the hopes that Omar & I would IMMEDIATELY be evicted & out on the street, & just because what that evil fk landlord wanted to happen thankfully didn't happen doesn't mean that I feel at all SAFE here where I now know 100% that this landlord will resort to ANYTHING to get me thrown out & might not even grant me his measly until the end of the month as "promised" by both him & the police (who are 100% siding with him in this) to find a new place to live.

Oh & here's a question this "Sitting Duck" would like to ask the UNIVERSE itself?  How the heck am I supposed to meet with potential roommates & whatnot & actually find a new place to live or even meet with a lawyer in order to find out if I have any legal grounds to stand on whatsoever when under the circumstances I obviously can't leave my little pug dog here ALONE in this now despicable to me place for one second?

I was absolutely BLINDSIDED here-not only did I not see this coming but also I would have NEVER, ever, ever in a million years imagined it could have happened, but ya know what-KARMA'S a bitc_, & if there is ANY justice in this universe whatsoever things will not work out AT ALL between my roommate & his new fiance & "someday" (HOPEFULLY SOONER RATHER THAN LATER) she'll toss him & his dog out of her home, & he'll be left feeling LOST & ALONE with nowhere to go...

BTW:  Since I haven't been sleeping much lately & have barely been eating at all my weight has been slowly dropping down:  I was 162.4 pounds yesterday morning, & I'm probably even thinner right now=Yea, I wanna look absolutely INCREDIBLE on that fine day in the very near future when me & my "baby" WHO BOTH DID ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG are forcibly removed from what we had 100% believed was OUR HOME & tossed out on the street like GARBAGE!!!!!!!

***On 5/16/14 I did my weekly water fast (with a bit of organic apple cider vinegar thrown in for good measure).  On 5/17/14 I weighed 163.8 pounds, so as you can see I am STILL being quite vigilante when it comes to my ongoing desire to keep my weight down.

"Alicia"

So, one of these fine days REAL OUTSIDE WARMTH will HOPEFULLY arrive for good (at least in terms of the Spring/Summer months).

So, I'm still THIN (164.6 pounds first thing this morning).

So, I still hope to EVENTUALLY lose about 10 pounds.

So, I'm still in the ONGOING process of getting adjusted to my new home & new MALE roommate (something I've NEVER before experienced in this type of PLATONIC manner).

So, before this COLD SPELL hit us I'd started periodically (not every day) POWER WALKING nearly 5 miles at a time again...

So, DESPITE THE COLD I took Omar on three 30 minute strolls (leisurely walks 2x around the block) yesterday...

So, I want/intend to see "DIVERGENT", "TRANSCENDENCE", "SEX TAPE", & "THE OTHER WOMEN" (with "DIVERGENT" heading the list) sometime in the near future...

So, while my roommate was out with his girlfriend last Saturday night I got tipsy off of absolute vodka, Kahlua, organic half & half, & organic skim milk & watched "Don Jon" (fascinating movie) that I had rented via Redbox.

So, for a myriad of EXTREMELY VALID reasons I'm still IN PAIN but (as usual) "hangin in there"...

(***I truly can't wait until it's 70+ degrees out EVERY DAY=A GLORIOUS to me time of year  when I can dress in as little as possible & go out POWER WALKING every FKING day...)

THE END

"ALICIA"

***I have UNFORTUNATELY gained a bit of weight*, but SPRING HAS FINALLY ARRIVED, & when it is warm & sunny out I am 100% in my element=I know I'll be able to drop my extra weight in no time flat & be nice & trim for the upcoming bikini season-a time when I am truly in my element because my motto has ALWAYS been the hotter the better, & I absolutely revel in those far too short, warm, Summer months when I can get away with wearing as little as possible while I'm out walking EVERYWHERE...

Sincerely me,

"Mistress Alicia"

*  I was 166.8 pounds as of early this morning (before I had put any food or drink in my mouth) when I stripped down to my birthday suit (the ONLY way you should ever weigh yourself if you wish to know what you TRULY weigh) & stepped on my extremely accurate, "made in the U.S.A" digital scale.

I WANT TO GET DOWN TO AT LEAST 150 POUNDS!

My weight being 161.8 lbs after a full day of mostly water fasting is completely UNACCEPTABLE to me (especially since when I recently stayed with my friend from 8/29/13-12/5/13 I managed to at one point get all the way down to 153 pounds the day after one of my 24 + hour mostly water fasts), however it's almost Springtime, & warm, SUNNY weather (the warmer & sunnier the better, actually) makes me at least somewhat HAPPIER!  My new roommate has a fairly large (a lot bigger than my pug dog Omar) & lean dog***, & this past Saturday when we had that unexpected warm spell here in New England I took advantage of the NICE weather & FIRST went for a good 45 minute walk/occasional run with Omar-Then got in a really intense workout by walking/running with my roommate's dog for a full 30 minutes!  (I blasted my mp3 player music in my ears the entire 75 minutes, of course, & even got to hear some old Van Halen & Poison on the radio!)  Omar can run a little bit, but Omar is 7 years old & a pug who innately has breathing problems=I can't push Omar too hard, but I sure as fk can & DID push my roommate's dog who most definitely enjoyed his intense walk/run with me as much as I enjoyed it!‏

(I returned home from my VIGOROUS WORKOUT with my new roommate's dog & told my new roommate that walking his dog every day would have me ready for bikini season in no time!  LOL)

***My family had owned dogs when I was a young kid, but since then I hadn't owned any dog until my then boyfriend & I purchased Omar in 2007=The last time I had actually walked a big dog was probably around 20 years ago when I took my aunt's Labrador Retriever on a nice, long walk on Thanksgiving Day when I was at her house visiting her & other members of my family:  I pretty much knew AHEAD OF TIME what I was in for this past Saturday-I knew that my roommate's dog who is in shape & VERY STRONG would pull on his leash while I was walking or running with him & consequently cause me to get in a POWERFUL workout, & as I laughingly informed my roommate when I returned home happy & OUT OF BREATH I did not wind up being the least bit disappointed... 

P.S  I'm planning on going to see "Twelve Years a Slave" BY MYSELF sometime soon-BEFORE this movie is no longer playing in any theater anywhere...

You can have my isolation; you can have the hate that it brings
You can have my absence of faith; you can have my everything

Help me tear down my reason
Help me; it's your sex I can smell
Help me; you make me perfect
HELP ME BECOME SOMEBODY ELSE...  (NINE INCH NAILS-CLOSER-ONE OF MY FAVORITES!)

It's an ache that never heals
It's the deepest cut you feel
It's the thing in you that feeds
The animal in me
It's the darker side of lust
It's the other side of us
It's the thing in you that feeds
The animal in me

I want to be your last breath
Before we suffocate...  (Motley Crue-ANIMAL IN ME-on my mp3 player)

You've been robbed, you've been used
You've been crucified and abused
You've been sacrificed and now you're confused
Ain't that the truth? Yeah, yeah

You've got a hole in your head
And it's a cold empty spot in your big brass bed

When you're mad at the world
And you feeling like you're losing control

All you need to get by is a little bit of soul
Oh a little bit of soul, yeah...  (Bon Jovi Little Bit Of soul lyrics)

As an "aside":  One out of a "million" FAVORITE FILMS (in just about every genre you can think of EXCEPT FOR THOSE SICK, MOTHER FKING, "SLASHER FILMS") of mine would definitely have to be the movie "Love & Other Drugs" that I watched on DVD a few years ago...

1/2/14:  Disconnect is an absolutely realistic, exceptionally well acted, raw look at "The age of Internet"/age of social media & what ALL of it means in terms of OUR INDIVIDUAL PRIVACY (among other things):  I LOVED/ENJOYED every second of this brilliant film!  (I watched this film on DVD last night by myself & a few days ago with my mother.)

(I ALSO absolutely LOVED "The Notebook", "The Ledge", "Red Dog", "Source Code", all the Spiderman, Superman, & Batman films released in "my time", "9 1/2 Weeks", "White Palace", "Away From Her", "Sex, Lies, & Videotape", "Jumper", "American History X", "The Water Horse", "ET", The entire Twilight series, "One Day", "The Vow", "Dead Poet's Society", & VERY RECENTLY "Rust & Bone", The Intouchables, & "The Host"-to name a "handful" off the top of my head out of a "million" fantastic movies I've watched throughout my lifetime... )

Recently saw "Now You See Me"=What an absolutely ENJOYABLE movie to watch.  I LOVED every second of that movie!  Recently saw "The Heat" and practically PEED MY PANTS laughing!!!!  Recently saw & LOVED the first 2 Hunger Games movies as well as Elysium=I do STRONGLY believe that Hunger games plus Elysium will ultimately be our FATE if we do not wise up & wake up, but this SEX site is not the forum for "those kinds" of beliefs, & I very much do wish to experience sexual intimacy with another person again, BUT ONLY ON MY FKING TERMS OR ELSE NOT AT ALL!!!!  (In the meantime I have infinite patience, the internet, & a drawer full of toys...  LOL)

***I was thinking that MAYBE I might purchase a microphone* so that I can "talk" to people via my collarme journal.  For quite some time now I've owned an $80, VERY HIGHLY RATED Logitech webcam that I unfortunately don't know how to use & that I no longer have the directions to due to the fact that I recently had to get out of my mother's home VERY QUICKLY before my aunt (who has UNFORTUNATELY had an UNETHICAL DURABLE POA over my SICK mother for a very long time now) showed up there to BULLY ME YET AGAIN, & for the first time ever MY AUNT'S BULLSHT ACCUSATIONS & OUTRIGHT LIES caused me TO PUNCH HER IN HER SMUG, DECEITFUL, FACE & instantly RUIN MY PRISTINE CRIMINAL RECORD (not to mention that if I was in JAIL for GLEEFULLY socking my CUN_ of an aunt in the face like I've ACHED to do for approximately 13 years now, & my mother was locked up in the hospital who would take care of my "baby")?

*It looks like if I simply plug a microphone into my PC (simple enough task to accomplish I would think, plus I could always ask my KIND new roommate to help me, although I'd really prefer that he know as little as possible when it comes to my myriad of "online endeavors") I can then just hit a "start recording" button out here & go to town=A HELL OF A LOT LESS COMPLICATED THAN TRYING TO SET UP MY WEBCAM SO THAT I CAN CREATE A VIDEO GREETING:  There HONESTLY would have never, ever, ever even been an ECTV channel called "Alicia's World" back in 2001 had my ex boyfriend (WHO WAS THANKFULLY STILL MY REALLY GOOD FRIEND AT THAT TIME, & WHO INCIDENTALLY IS STILL MY GOOD FRIEND TO THIS DAY) not helped me with everything DESPITE his blatant DISAPPROVAL in regards to what I was EXCITEDLY planning to do out on my brand new ECTV channel once it was actually up & running SMOOTHLY thanks ONLY to my ex boyfriend's GREATLY APPRECIATED by me technical skills...

***I was so busy uploading hundreds of pics to my Flickr page & then making sure that EVERY LAST ONE of the ULTRA SEXY/SEXUAL PICS of me (particularly most of the HUNDREDS of snapshot grabs that ahole took when he used to watch me dancing out on "Alicia's World" back in 2001 BEFORE I made what would ultimately turn out to be THE WORST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE & flew to LA to permanently live with him & his mother) WERE SET TO "FRIEND ONLY" MODE that I almost forgot that today is Omar's 7th birthday!

Happy Birthday Mr Lou (who is at this moment sound asleep beside me & snoring contentedly on top of a pile of my blankets that I need to wash YET AGAIN because Omar PISSED ON THEM YET AGAIN)!

L

P.S.  In regards to upcoming additional pic #10 & the upcoming lingerie picture of me in a turquoise bra & panties:  WITH THAT "KILLER BODY" I HAD BACK WHEN I WAS IN MY LATE 20's TO EARLY 30's I REALLY SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN A LOT FURTHER IN LIFE THAN I EVER MANAGED TO GET (not for want of endlessly TRYING-believe me).

D.P.S. 

I LIKE to SWEAR

So if ya dislike hearin

your woman swearin

Well I REALLY DON'T FKING CARE

& YOU can PLEASE just look ELSEWHERE

SO THERE!!!!!!  (LOL)

Sincerely me,

"WHITE TRASH" L

WHO MIRACULOUSLY SURVIVED

HER CHILDHOOD FROM HELL!!!!!!

Just now I took a few "colorful" pics of me IN MY NEW HOME (at least for now), & uploaded my favorite one for your "viewing enjoyment".

As an "aside":  I JUST CAN'T TAKE THIS NOT MY FKING FAULT FKING SHT ENDLESSLY GOING ON, & ON, & ON IN MY LIFE WITHOUT SOMETHING-ANYTHING-TO AT LEAST SLIGHTLY BALANCE OUT THE STRESS, TRAUMA, & PAIN that has literally SATURATED my entire existence for far too FKING long!!!!!!!!!!

 ***I'm about to seriously lose my GD, FKING mind, & does this woman/child with the KILLER BODY & KILLER INTELLECT really deserve to follow in her mother's footsteps when she has endlessly TRIED SO FKING HARD IN THIS LIFE not to?

 My CUN_T of a HALF aunt (who obviously has a multitude of "ulterior motives" centering around my SICK mother's substantial estate-whose ALCOHOLIC father expressed a STRONG INTEREST in FKING me when I was 12-who admittedly REGULARLY ABUSED coke for 8 years straight over 30 years ago when her children were just babies, & whose children have BOTH spent time in JAIL because of DRUG RELATED CHARGES) certainly believes that I do, but the real question is DO YOU-DO YOU-DO YOU???????

L:  Is she worth SAVING (or as CHADDYK would say, "Say it if it's worth saving me")

P.S.  I'm fking FED UP with this FKING deceitful, manipulative, BITC_ forever "throwing stones" at me when I am a COLLEGE HONORS GRADUATE with no history of DRUG ABUSE & no CRIMINAL RECORD TO SPEAK OF-So FKING fed up that I really can't stand ANYTHING anymore-So FKING FED UP with absolutely everything that I truly want to just give in & simply start SCREAMING at the top of my lungs-never stop, & ultimately WIND UP JUST LIKE MY MOTHER!  (Did I happen to mention that 100% BY CHOICE I haven't gotten laid since 4/6/08?) 

 THE END

I have been a member of COLLARME for nearly a year now:  Below I have copy/pasted MUCH more than a handful of my VERY OLD (April & May of 2013) journal entries that include many of my original poems & song lyrics:

To those myriad of "normal" folks out there (such as my LOVELY "auntie" who isn't the auntie slowly DYING of cancer) who would GLEEFULLY/VICIOUSLY accuse me of "Living in Fantasy Land", I have only ONE thing to say:  If "Living in FANTASY LAND" was the reason why I was able to achieve my goal of REGAINING the body that I had back in my "Glory Days" (back when I was EXPRESSING MYSELF in a variety of "interesting" ways & accruing thousands upon thousands of FANS across the world in the process) RATHER than instead winding up SIX FEET UNDER (like what really SHOULD have happened to me under the "bad circumstances" I was TRAPPED in for far too many years) then Here's to "FANTASY LAND", BABY-HERE'S TO FKING "FANTASY LAND" !!!!!  (LOL)

 FOR THE RECORD:  I know that I'm STRANGE.  Some people on this planet are simply "different".  The character of Sheldon on "The Big Bang Theory" is definitely "different", but he still has FRIENDS who CARE about him!   The QUIRKY character of Mary from the movie "All About Steve" WITHOUT QUESTION falls into the category of "strange", "eccentric", "different", etc, but LOADS of TOTAL STRANGERS wind up LOVING Mary & her "quirks" by the time that movie has reached it's HAPPY conclusion.  My "difference" doesn't negate either my intelligence or my creative gifts (or my looks for that matter), & people on this planet who DON'T LIKE ME can simply stay away from me=Nobody on this planet has to be MEAN to other people who are merely "different" from them-NOBODY!

It takes TOO MUCH to even slightly CALM DOWN my constantly thinking brain, & that's why I NEED the "shallow stuff":  The NON "Shallow Stuff" of this existence "KILLS" me on a daily basis...

(I don't BELONG HERE, yet "here" I MIRACULOUSLY still am...)

Little White Men

Little white men
Coming up behind me
Knives hidden behind them
How did you find me
Shouting obscenely about "Happy Pills"
Want me to come to them
I don't think that I will

Ha-Ha-I LAUGH in your face
You have no proof-So I guess I'm safe

Ha-Ha-I LAUGH in your face
You have no proof-So I guess I'm safe

By L.A.P. ?

"He" (a virtual stranger to me) WANTED to rub/kiss/lick/bite MY FEET-NOBODY had ever done that to me before*-It was "kind of" NICE (even if he did CHOOSE to never see me again)...   ):

*& I HONESTLY enjoyed the comparatively innocent things that took place between "him" & me a "million" times more than I EVER, EVER, EVER, enjoyed a single one of my LONG AGO "one night stands"=I WILL NEVER AGAIN PUT UP WITH THE SHIT I USED TO CONSTANTLY PUT UP WITH IN MY "PAST LIFE":  It's just not worth it to me anymore.  I'd rather simply be ALL ALONE.

Far too many people on this planet are deceitful on a regular basis, & for the most part, I ALWAYS tell the truth.  This innate facet of my personality kind of leaves me at a tremendous disadvantage in life, doesn't it?  I KNOW that it does but I simply can't be any other way & continue wanting to "be" at all...  (THE END)

More lyrics for a "potential" song*:

I truly believed that he
just had to be

my long awaited by me "Soul Mate" 
Too bad for me

that he ultimately

turned out to be

little but "Evil Incarnate"...

*I apologize for NOTHING-least of all for being "picky" out on this alternative "dating website" or on any other "dating website"=As far as I'm concerned now & have really ever been concerned for that matter this world is a JOKE!

*For FAR TOO MANY sad & 100% VALID reasons I haven't actually written a COMPLETE song/poem in quite some time.  ):

FOR THE RECORD:  I 100% have a "Split Personality", but it is a TRUE "Split Personality" in that BOTH sides of me are equally as POWERFUL but are undeniably the complete opposite of one another.  This is MOST DEFINITELY NOT a case of "Multiple Personality Disorder"=I'm FULLY AWARE at all times of what's gong on inside of me, what I'm doing, etc, & I pretty much know WHY I am the way I am & have been for a very long time...

BTW:  I can't be "fixed" if that's what you're thinking right now?  I simply need to FINALLY find a man who is 100% capable of ACCEPTING/LOVING all sides of me, & the following is a perfect example of said "Split Personality".  The lyrics below are to a rather long song called "Tell Me It Will Be OK" that I wrote when I was 15 (& I should STRESS AGAIN that NOBODY in my entire family either cared then or really cares now about my practically LIFELONG TALENT-LIFELONG GIFT for writing):

Sometimes I cry for no reason at all

The little things just bring out the tears
Crying for the world & the suffering
Thinking about the lonely years
I wonder at the people that go through life
Acting like they don't care
They think they're so tough
But is it enough
Never having a thing to share

Now (since it's supposed to storm out very badly later on today/tonight) I think I'm gonna go out on my 4.6 mile POWER WALK much earlier than I usually do, & I while I'm out on my long, intense, POWER WALK (& dressed in a sexy, little, shorts & top combo) I will be absolutely reveling in the music of Motley Crue, Saving Abel (an AWESOME group I just discovered yesterday via Amazon's "suggestions" for me), Kid Rock, Aerosmith, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Buckcherry, Linkin Park, Jet, Limp Bizkit, Van Halen, The White Stripes, & The Who (just to name a few that SADLY don't include AC/DC because I couldn't PURCHASE AC/DC songs like I wanted to do).

Compare my 100% ORIGINAL, FROM THE HEART (& yes, it's 29 years later, & I still feel EXACTLY the same way) song lyrics above with the paragraph I just wrote, & I REST MY CASE.  (THE END)

Sacred

I exist in a sacred place
I exist in a sacred place
Kiss warm lips that would never say
Inside I am wasting away

I insist
that you let me stay
Cause when I try to swim upstream
I'm washed away
Isolation comforts me
Inside my head
my dreamed reality
I Live & Die here
I Live & Die here
I Live & Die here
Live & Die here

Live & Die here...

L.A.P. 15+ years ago

Before she went to bed earlier this evening my mother (who had taken a nap & "apparently" woken up in tears) said to me (& I quote)  "I still don't understand why God didn't heal her"?  Well, Momma, completely setting aside the FACT that I do not believe in God (at least not in the traditional sense that you do & she does), "God" DOES NOT HEAL EVERYONE WHO BELIEVES IN HIM!  Even young children DIE (sometimes horribly), Mom.  "Good, Christian, Folk" are NOT ALWAYS (or even often) SPARED from dying before they reach 100 years of age-Sorry to have to break that to ya, mom.  And I'm BEYOND sorry that your BELOVED sister is gonna DIE very soon!  I LOVE her too, but not as deeply as you love her.  At least you & I KNOW FOR A FACT (& even she would back us up on this one) that unlike you did or I did she lived a really, really, really, good life-a BETTER LIFE than so many people get to live, and she 100% believes that when she dies she's gonna be with her Lord for all of eternity, so she gets to have that CERTAINTY that brings her the type of inner PEACE that eludes so many of we human beings who don't even remotely have w/in us that type of certainty & PEACE, Mom.  She lived a really good life, Mom.  It SUCKS that she couldn't live to be really old, but you & I both know that the life she did get to live was BLESSED...  (I didn't say these exact words to my poor, sad, mother tonight, but I've "hinted" around at all of this on different occasions that my mother & I have discussed my aunt's impending departure from this earthly existence=My mother knows EXACTLY how I feel.)

*I come up with melodies to a lot of my songs, as well, but I don't read or write music, play any type of musical instrument, or sing very well (although I've ALWAYS LOVED TO SING for my own PLEASURE)...

Potential song lyrics* I wrote earlier this evening:

I'm the girl you have a lot of fun with
I'm not the girl you EVER fall in love with
You do that-it's at your own peril
& you can't accuse me of shootin that arrow

I'm all soft & clean
even in those places (& spaces) "in between"
but it matters not much to me ya see
when I ain't got nobody APPRECIATING me

I'm all soft & clean
even in those places (& spaces) "in between"
but it matters not much to me ya see
when I ain't got nobody LOVING me...
(L.A.P.)   (:

Love Is Nothing

Love is nothing
Give me pleasure instead
I'm tired of letting
Love get inside of my head

I'm tired of knowing
What I've always known
Something inside me
Means I'll wind up alone

Love is nothing
When I can drown out the pain
Lift up my spirits
& keep myself sane

It's not worth the trouble
Of living in fear
Give in to the feeling
Then watch it disappear

Love is nothing
But an elusive thought
Can I ever grab it
Maybe-Maybe not

Filled up with envy
Maybe some grief
Want what others have
However brief

The feelings don't last
Smothered by hurt
Build up some trust
Then get thrown in the dirt

Dust myself off
& start to sing
Just F__K it all
Love Is Nothing...

by L.A.P 10/31/08

Beckoned

I watch the blurred images
as I totter nervously on the edge
Small child waits below
with tiny arms that want to cradle me
Hissing laughter follows me down
as I tumble into open mouth of dead child
You swallow me
Spit out arms & legs
Save the brain for last
then burp with pleasure...

(by L.A.P. for her college poetry class)

To be or not to be
Shakespeare stated perfectly
This endless question's haunted me
In college-now-& before
Continue on
or become
"Nevermore"...

(L.A.P. in 2009 or 2010)

I was a THROWAWAY child who REFUSED to be
an UNRECOGNIZED Prodigy
but as "things" often go I eventually
simply STOPPED CARING what happened to me...
Ces't La vie
Ces't la vie
Ces't la vie

"Look at you-Your DISGUSTING-I have a better body at my age then you do at yours"!
(Not ANYMORE-you FKING CUN_-NOT ANYMORE!!!!!)

THE END

A musician who wrote songs & was the lead singer in a band that got PAYING gigs responded to one of the various ads I had placed in the Boston Phoenix back when I was ISO of a person to collaborate with on songwriting because I was ONLY a lyricist who didn't play any type of musical instrument, write music, or sing very well was who wrote the poem below for me AFTER he had willingly read numerous "philosophical" essays of mine that I had handed over to him to read ONLY IF HE WANTED TO DO SO.  (He did!)  Ultimately, though I "suspect" that the other men who responded to my lyricist ads WANTED ME he actually was the ONLY man who ever responded to any of my ads who actually got me into bed*, & he did so BEFORE he knew all about me via my essays I asked him if he wanted to read after he & I had already slept together?  Amazingly enough, even though he (as was SADLY the case with ALL of the men who ever responded to ANY of my lyricist ads) ultimately never kept the "promises" he had made to me regarding my WORDS being set to HIS MUSIC he & I remained GOOD FRIENDS (& "occasional" FK buddies) for quite some time.  I spoke with him a few years ago (back when I was still living in LA).  He told me that he HAD NOT WRITTEN A SINGLE THING or played in any type of band in over 10 years-NOTHING!  (The minute I finished reciting "Death Caresses" & another of my original poems  to him over the phone he "strongly encouraged" me to get my ass into Hollywood & recite my original poetry on street corners if need be...)  What I garnered from my LONG, intimate, phone conversation with him was that he who had (in my eyes, anyway) oozed talent from every one of his pores had VOLUNTARILY given it all up in order to "KILL" himself working at a regular job that had ultimately brought a SHITLOAD of money* his way...
*I LIVE to WRITE & WRITING is what keeps me ALIVE=I would HONESTLY practically want to live in a cardboard box & eat only rice rather than to be FORCED to stop writing in order to live in "luxury"...

(When I spoke over the phone with this dear, old, friend/former lover of mine a few years ago I recited "Desert Rose" for him & asked him if he remembered writing it for me?  He did remember writing "Desert Rose" for me, but he was utterly astounded that I still remembered WORD FOR WORD this SPECIAL poem he had penned just for me what seemed (to both of us) a "lifetime" ago...)

Desert Rose

Nobody said it was easy
like you may have read
They spilled the wine in your cup
& choked you with the bread

Couldn't they see the distance
that was growing in your eyes
Gave them no resistance
No sound when you cried

Looking back it's all a dream
The pain so real inside
Like a child in the rain
Needing a place to hide

As the dust starts to settle
& smoke begins to rise
a ray of hope
Sparkles in your eyes

Now my friend the time has come
The story to a close
If you listen very hard
You'll hear the "Desert Rose"

by D.B. (who I wouldn't mind seeing again now that I'm back in Ma where I was born & raised, but who I've OFTEN lost contact with seeing as I've known him for about 20 years now & BOTH of our lives have frequently been what you might politely refer to as "hectic")

*Doug was the ONLY guy who answered any of my personal ads ISO a person to collaborate on a song with that I went to bed with-THE ONLY GUY=I had VOWED to NEVER mix business with pleasure when it came to my serious effort to find somebody to collaborate with, but Doug was SPECIAL, & because I truly LIKED him & was very attracted to him for a myriad of reasons he was easily able to (on the "pretense" of ONLY wanting to give me a nice massage) have me, but the thing is that (as it turned out) I was RIGHT about him being a GOOD, caring, PERSON:  There are VERY FEW men who would have WILLINGLY read all the SHIT of mine that I had handed over to Doug for him to read ONLY IF HE WANTED TO, but he not only SURPRISINGLY read EVERY LAST WORD he also processed it all & wrote "Desert Rose" for me.  REMEMBER that I slept with him BEFORE he read the essays I'd written-before he knew ANYTHING much about me, & I didn't sleep with him so that he would want to collaborate with me.  I slept with him because I WANTED TO.  (THE END

UNTITLED  

Always one step ahead

I was a good girl then

didn't think about death except on those rare occasions  

But then they buried my dog

& they threw me the bone  

& I never found-no, I never found  

my way back home  

I'd advise you to stay away

You don't want to come too near me  

cause I'll think nothing of taking your heart  

rip it out with my teeth  

before you can even breathe... 

I have no idea exactly when I wrote this-could have been 12 years ago-could have been 20 years ago. 

***& FOOLISH folks "wonder" why this little lady NEEDS something much "more" (SEXUALLY & "otherwise") in her life?

Only She Knows

She cries out

Nobody hears
Only she knows the DARKNESS & the fear
Won't disappear
Wherever she goes
Only she knows...

Only she knows this just isn't right
Only she sees herself giving up the fight
& when the rage grows
Only she knows...

(I wrote this a "lifetime" ago-all the way back when I was in college)

IMPOSTER

Don't want it
Don't respect it
Let me out quick as you can
I'm an insult to myself
The worst imposter of man

Wearing the wrong clothes
Only the emperor knows

I try not to hear those voices
Will myself to make the right choices
But I've tasted the moldy bread
Let the wine go to my head
Racing against time
In a body that's not really mine
Running down the track
So I can get to the finish line
AND GIVE IT BACK..

by L.A.P. (4-5 years ago)...

Wake Up Sleepyhead (Ride's Over)

Serpent's tongue lapped the tears from my eyes

& the blood from my wrists
right before I died

Did you see that face
Peace at last
Time erased
Present became past
Nothing replaced

Take the time to know

(You don't want to know)
Take the time to know
(I don't want to know)

Nothing but a hollow shell

Walking around
Speaking out loud
Pull my strings
Watch me dance
Unseen in the crowd

Take the time to know

(You don't want to know)
Take the time to know
(I don't want to know)

One after the other

It's building up-It's building up
What does it matter
One less here-You'll all go on
Blind to all the things you did wrong

Take the time to know
(You don't want to know)
Take the time to know
(I don't want to know)

(by L.A.P. several years ago-I forget exactly when I wrote this but I know wrote it after 2001 & long before 2008

How can I begin  

When I'm not even allowed to be in my own skin

Never make you proud  

Instead you turn on me

Knock me to the ground  

Cause you think that's where I should be

& you always reach that place  

Formed so long ago

The one I let you create  
The one I never show... 

(Lines from this song I wrote in 2001 or 2002: "Something In My Eye")

Running from my own damnation

I think I was the wrong creation  

Dropped here when

I shouldn't have been  

Shed a tear

& can't even make a friend...  

(chorus from a song I wrote during the brief period of time in 2001 when I was busy dancing FOR FUN/ESCAPE-not for MONEY-on my ECTV channel pretty much on a regular basis.)

Love is all there is & was

Without love all we are is lost  

We pay the price

How high the cost

All just souls  

All just sparks

All just lost  

in the dark...

***The 2 poems I posted above (that I believe I wrote about a year or so before I wrote "The Awakening") are two out of the VERY FEW amount of "happy", "positive", etc poems I've written in my lifetime of poetry/song writing (that began when I was 8 or 9 years old):  MOST of the hundreds upon hundreds of poems I've written throughout my life are definitely of the "Sylvia Plath" variety.

What You Need

I met the strangest woman
as I sat at a bar one night
I saw an angel smile shyly at me
but something wasn't right

The body was seductive
The eyes warned me away
I decided to take my chances
& see what she would say

She said this world is crazy
& I run when I can
I nodded my agreement
& slowly took her hand

The hand tensed in a minute
as she started to break free
I boldly held it tighter
& whispered lazily

Chorus

What you need is a little love
I can see it in the way you move
Your eyes show what you've been through

What you need is a little touch
Trying hard to hide the pain
You won't have to try that hard again...

(First 1/2 of a song I wrote when I was in my very early 20's)

Why do you HATE us?  (Because you're BLIND-That's why!)  

I HATE you because you're blind  

I HATE you because you're cruel

I HATE you because you teased me  

& beat me up in school

When I NEVER did a single thing to you

I HATE you because you laugh

when people get cut in half  

Blood squirts all over the screen

& you don't think "How Obscene"?

 *I HATE you because you can't  

do the things I do

yet my whole life you've waited  

for me to think & act like you

& when I've tried & failed  

You've LAUGHED your EVIL LAUGH

& waited for the day  

that I get cut in half...

(by L.A.P. 2008) 

*This last part is 100% DEDICATED to "Auntie" & ALL OTHERS out there who share her SICK mentality (not to my mother WHO HAS ALWAYS LOVED ME UNCONDITIONALLY & ACCEPTED ME AS I AM)

The MIND is stronger than his love

The MIND is strong, Stronger, STRONGEST  

He doesn't see it

I will go back

Anything is better than this TORMENT  

Use me  

FUCK me

Urinate on me-in me  

Put a leash around my neck

& your COCK up my CUNT

Let me be NOTHING  

I NEED to be NOTHING

The SOMETHING

"He" made me is TOO MUCH

I'm FIGHTING-FIGHTING HARD  

but if I lose-everyone LOSES

Me first-head first...

by L.A.P.  (1996 or 1997-I forget?

***I really can't believe that they have a fking place where you can actually "blog" (& where I can post my ORIGINAL POETRY) on this fking BDSM website!  (This reminds me "somewhat" of back in 2001 when I danced out on my ECTV channel* where I would constantly ALSO share with my THOUSANDS of FANS* my past/present life & my ORIGINAL poetry & song lyrics out on my ECTV news & message boards...)

The Awakening

See her in the corner shaking
Is she something in the making
Torn in two
Inside she's blue
Longing for the awakening

Puzzled by the brevity
Good feelings rise then cease to be

Courage is to maintain breath
Climb inside & view the depths
Creation whole
It sears the soul
Please let me go
& embrace death...

By L.A.P. 1/6/09

*The MAJORITY who only wanted to watch my pg13 dancing & who didn't give a rat's ass about ANYTHING cerebral that lived/breathed inside that AMAZINGLY HOT BODY I had created through HARD WORK & DISCIPLINE-not via plastic surgery-a BODY that MOST of my ECTV "Fans"* were LUSTING over & LONGING to possess IN PERSON...

For Now (Nothing Is Ever Enough)

For now
I'll just hold him
Feel my warmth enfold around him
Not think about what I know has to be
It's not that I don't love him
It's that something comes above him
And that something is crying out to me

I feel it swimming in me
This pent up creativity
Screaming so loud to be heard
If I remain in this trance
Just to stay in this romance
I won't be allowed to speak one word

I've always been haunted by
Things I've always wanted, I
Know that the price is high
But it can't be any other way

You can't put me in a box
Hold me down with chains & locks
Then sit back & watch
While I suffocate

The madness that breathes in me
Could come out so easily
My struggle is just to exist

Please keep me in your heart
When you know that I might fall apart
I never asked for any of this
It just is what is

I don't have any choice
I must let them hear my voice
This goes beyond you & I

I wanted you to come with me
Feel the magic & be set free
But you choose to shrivel up & die

I don't know why
I don't know why
I don't know why

The drive & the need
Have planted their seed
They need to be freed
Need to be believed

I never wanted normal things
I cringe when I hear a child screaming
Want to hop back in my bed
& continue dreaming

The only man who will want to be with me
Is one who is able to see
The wizard has the curtain closed
It's not what I would have chose
To be so aware of the absurdity
Maybe there's no hope for me
When I know what I can't be

I can't be normative
Can only try to live
In this strange world I'll never understand

And way down deep inside
In that place I try to hide
I'll pray to a god that has never heard me
Pray for a love to come & save me
Knowing all the time
I'm just wasting my time
I'm just losing my mind
Cause no one's gonna care that much
or dare love one so out of touch
With reality

I'll just be lonely
I'll just be lonely
I'll just be lonely

You're all lost in your drama
You've put on all your Armour
While I lay myself naked before you

I feel death's constant presence
So I am left defenseless
This is just something I am forced to do

Knowing the price for me
You'll whisper "Oh she's crazy"
& go on with your little lives

Or else you'll put me down
Wish I was not around
To force you to open up your eyes

Can I get just one of you to understand
I'm losing the love of my life***
I can't close the veil
On everything I feel
I can't be a mother & a wife

I can barely breath most of the time
& my smile is not really mine

If I smile enough
Will you give me the love
That might keep me sane
In this torturous game
Where nothing is ever enough?

by L.A.P. 2008 

***He was HARDLY "that", but a poem is just a poem (& so is a song, for that matter):  Neither have to be 100% the TRUTH in order to have VALIDITY & MEANING.. 

***If you don't LIKEY LIKEY what I'm writing out here don't read my words!  This is MY FKING JOURNAL=I can write any damn thing I please out here where I KNOW very few people will ever venture to, anyway (exactly how it was out on my ECTV channel a "lifetime" ago)...

I know DARKNESS
but it doesn't come in a form easily recognized
You won't see blood dripping from my wrists
or tears dripping from my eyes...

(I don't have a fking clue exactly when I wrote this little poem, but I know that I wrote it a LONG TIME AGO...)

If you are truly interested in knowing WHY  

I ultimately turned out the way I did

The SIMPLE answer to your question, guys  

would go something like this:

Nobody EVER REALLY CARED  

(ESPECIALLY when I was a kid)...

By L.A.P.  (right now)

They Don't Know

They don't know
I see no point to life
They don't know
how often I cry
They don't know-
No-They don't know

They don't know
how it feels to be me
They don't know
No-They don't see
So I remain a mystery to them...

(by L.A.P. 10+ years ago.)

Why are we even here
Why can't anybody else
see what I see so clear
Wherever they're coming from
makes me want to run, & run, & run...

(by L.A.P. 10+ years ago.)

I can't accept things as they are

I don't believe that things will change  

So I turn around & here I am

Back in the land of the strange  

Trying to fit in best I can  

Always denying who I am

Play a role-Try not to scream  

When you know you're TRAPPED

in a HELLISH DREAM... 

(L.A.P. 10+ years ago)

(I LEARNED, & LEARNED, & LEARNED oh so long ago that the best course of action you can take in this life is to NEVER, ever, ever "really care" about ANYTHING at all)

Ces't La Vie-Let's FK! 

(LOL)

I want to be a primitive beast

Roam the hills-Slay the feast  

Search the shadows for release

Somewhere lurk in purest form  

Take on the shape of wolf or worm...

Awaken Me

Awaken me
Awaken the desire
Raise your arms higher
Send them into heaven
Lower to the fire

This body craves only your touch
Give me freedom-Lift me up
Open pathways to the mind
Create our world
one second at a time

There's only us here & now
Never answers to be found
Calm the angry beast inside
Use your kisses to bring
this love to life...

(I wrote these poems all the way back when I was in college & "technically" STILL A VIRGIN, but what I had always dreamed of experiencing in the "boudoir" & what I ultimately wound up experiencing in the "boudoir" were SADLY as different as night is different from day, & at this point I HONESTLY couldn't "imagine" even ONE of my practically lifelong fantasies becoming reality for me-Couldn't even IMAGINE it-CES'T LA VIE...)

I touch his skin

I see those eye

I wonder why  

he wastes his time

What lives & breathes in me  

is not this thing he sees

so filled with rage  

but then it cries

How can I stay safe & sane

when I'm trapped in what I can't explain

(poem fragment or potential lyrics for a song:  Actual "DOB" of these WORDS is a complete mystery to me as is the case in regards to MOST of my original creative works that span all the way back to when I was a wee lass of 8 or 9 years old...)

I'm a POET, & poets are usually BY DESIGN "different" from other folks.  I've been a POET since I was very young, & I also didn't come even REMOTELY close to being raised in a "June Cleaver" type of environment, so you figure it out?

Here's a "No Brainer":  If I'm gonna feel EXACTLY the same whether or not I'm heavy or thin THEN I would much prefer to be the latter of the 2 options, since (duh) being THIN is gonna automatically give me MORE OPTIONS to "escape" from WHAT IS INNATELY the "essence" of me-ALWAYS has been-ALWAYS will be...

***Last night I again went on my 4.6 mile POWER WALK, & I completed said POWER WALK in just over 1 hour 10 minutes=I'm NEVER gonna FUCKING BE FAT again, & I'm NEVER gonna be with anybody who will (subconsciously or not) SABOTAGE my SINCERE DESIRE to NEVER FUCKING BE FAT AGAIN!!!!!!!

(I wasn't just a little "chubby", guys-I was SEVENTY POUNDS OVERWEIGHT=I was fat!!!!!)

When the blood runs down
she doesn't see it
unless it's her own
She says it's this way with everyone
Sensitivities diminish over time
Poke out your eyes
Run through this maze blind...

(by L.A.P. age 23 or 24)

My Room Can't Be Lit

I try sometimes but rarely succeed
Try so hard don't know what to believe
The enemy is self contempt
The darkest place secrets are kept
Can't be explained-can't even be named
Where is that dream I never dreamt

Even the touch that heals can't last
I have to sink down with my arms spread out before me
Wanting so much to understand
Just a little bit
Praying to a god that has never heard me
My room can't be lit...

Old poem by L.A.P.

He was just TOO GOOD
Brilliant, Gorgeous, Creatively Gifted, & knew "every trick in the book"
The end result is that I barely trust
Even my own mother now
What happened to me way back when
Will not EVER happen to me again*
THIS I VOW
THIS I VOW
THIS I VOW

L.A.P. 5/20/13

*I would rather be ALL ALONE-FOREVER!

("The BEST of us can find HAPPINESS in MISERY"...  Fall Out Boy)

***I NEED money, but I do not wish to do ANYTHING explicitly sexual (& that includes the EXPLICITLY SEXUAL web cam* related stuff that is all the rage nowadays) or anything even remotely ILLEGAL to get some extra cash into my pockets QUICKLY.  (For OBVIOUS reasons revolving around my honors degree from a 4 year university, my keenly INTELLIGENT, DEEP, & AWARE mind, & my LIFETIME gifted creative writing abilities I also do not wish to SLAVE AWAY every day at some low end job such as working at a fast food restaurant-been there-done that-put myself through college via grants, loans, & part time work AT ALL DIFFERENT SORTS OF COMPANIES both while I was attending High School & maintaining a reasonably high GPA, & while I was studying my ass off in order to excel in most of my college classes.  Back when I was living in LA from 2001-2012 I also worked FULL TIME for many years at various Parking companies & other similar type jobs while my LOSER BOYFRIEND (& I use the word "boyfriend" very loosely) sat at home & either slept or surfed the Internet all day-again-BEEN THERE-DONE THAT-NOT DOING IT AGAIN!!!!!)

*Back in 2001 when I was living in Ma & dancing regularly on my ECTV channel called "Alicia's World" sound was not an option=I chatted with my THOUSANDS upon THOUSANDS of fans who (poor souls) NEVER got to hear my SEXY voice even once.  I stripped down to my bra & panties while JOYFULLY dancing to the Alternative/Classic rock songs that because I lived in a small apartment with thin walls were blasting in my ears via my Walkman, & IN ORDER TO PROVE TO THE WORLD-PROVE TO MY TENS OF THOUSANDS OF DEVOTED FANS that I was far more than just another dumb blond with a KILLER BODY I shared my entire existence (both past & present) as well as my ORIGINAL poetry & song lyrics with the world via my ECTV news & message boards that I wrote on every chance I could get...  Throughout nearly the entire duration of time (Jan 2001-May 2001) that I was busy doing my thing out on "Alicia's World" I was in THE TOP 10 WATCHED CHANNELS EVERY NIGHT THAT I CHOSE TO PUT ON ONE OF MY 100% NOT FOR PROFIT SHOWS, & 5 months after it's inception-when I had already SADLY gained too much weight to feel comfortable stripping online any longer-"Alicia's World" came to an abrupt end with an impressive total of 200,000 hits in less than 5 month's time!

My aunt has had an UNETHICAL (but unfortunately not illegal) Durable POA over my SICK mother since the year 2000, & I am fking DONE with that capital "B" (or really capital "C") SMEARING MY NAME WITH HER LIES!  My aunt's latest thing is that she is now going around telling everyone that she knows-that my mother knows-that both my mother & I know, etc that I BOTH caused my mother to get sick (100% caused my mother's latest breakdown) and destroyed my mother's house:  Both of those aforementioned things are complete & utter FALLACIES that (of course) certain people (especially people in that elderly community my mother lives in) are swallowing hook, line, & sinker because FAR TO MANY PEOPLE ON THIS PLANET ALWAYS WANT TO BELIEVE THE WORST ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE, & my mother (who "claims" to not remember who it was that destroyed her house, & who just LOVES to tell anyone who will listen to & feel sorry for her that I'm the reason for ALL of her problems) is too sick (ie too DELUSIONAL) or really TOO SCARED to tell anybody the TRUTH (ie that in a mere 8 days time her ILLNESS/MEMORY LOSS caused her to go completely nuts, turn her own house into a shthole while Omar & I mostly remained barricaded behind my bedroom door, & even nearly burn her house down on one HORRIFYING occasion when Omar & I were sound asleep in my bed).  According to my mother (who I called up at the hospital to wish her a Happy Valentine's Day & then hung up on IN DISGUST) my aunt has now even arranged things (with the female manager at that park my mother's home resides in) so that I am FORBIDDEN to ever again enter my own mother's home (not that I would want to do so, anyway, under the RIDICULOUS, long time circumstances that my LONG TIME ENEMY is allowed to enter said home any time her little heart desires to do so).  It's the principal of the thing, People, but what can I really do ABOUT ANY OF THIS ENDLESSLY DEPRESSING TO ME SHT when I lack both the STRENGTH & the FUNDS (ie the thousands of dollars needed to hire a good lawyer) to fight my aunt, & when my own mother who does not wish to appear "crazy" in the eyes of her friends/family continuously PERPETUATES this LIE that my aunt (who admittedly hates my fking guts) continuously FEEDS OFF OF & endlessly uses to her advantage?

All ALONE on Valentine's Day, but

that's OK

I do not care

My poor, sick mother is in the hospital

& I'd rather be sitting FREELY here

Than LOCKED THE FK UP IN THERE!!!!!!!

 ***I've been FASTING on mostly water all day today

but JONESING for CHOCOLATE (& "other things")

in the biggest way

Perhaps I'll get dressed, put on my shoes

& try to shake some of these blues

by running through the rooms downstairs 100 times or more*

(Easy to do on these hard wood floors)

Omar & ____ will follow my lead

We'll all LAUGH, & BARK, & RUN

& really TRY to have some FUN

while we gradually pick up speed

An adrenalin rush might just be exactly what I NEED

(better than just sitting here

& FUTILELY TRYING not to care

while my insides BLEED, & BLEED, & BLEED...)

L.A.P.  2/14/14

*Without bothering to actually get dressed first I briefly ran around downstairs with only OMAR whining & "laughing" at my heels while my roommate's dog was busy playing in the snow outside, but I SADLY lacked the energy to "run around downstairs 100 times" as had definitely been my HEARTFELT INTENTION described in poem above... 

You may be right
I may be crazy
But it just may be a lunatic you're looking for
Turn out the light
Don't try to save me
You may be wrong for all I know
But you may be right...  (Billy Joel lyrics)

She's INSANE-INSANE & does not care

Give her sex & give her beer

Tie her up & make her moan

Let her be OUT OF CONTROL...  (lyrics L.A.P.  wrote a "lifetime" ago, but now that she's somewhat matured & is THANKFULLY big time into healthy, organic, things she pretty much keeps that 20 something "wild child" who wrote the above little ditty completely UNDER WRAPS!!!!  LOL)

It's only been 5 days & there is already trouble here in "paradise" for me=My new MALE roommate is an absolute SAINT* but his dog periodically BARKS/WHINES at all hours of the fking night, & especially after the HELL I recently went through with my mother (whom I am THANKFULLY no longer living with) I NEED WHAT LITTLE SLEEP I AM MIRACULOUSLY ABLE TO GET:  The added STRESS of being woken up out of a SOUND SLEEP every night by a barking or whining dog was DEFINITELY not in my rental agreement!

***On top of that my new roommate's dog is a MALE DOG who according to my new roommate (who prior to my agreeing to become his new roommate had gone on, & on  about how much his dog just LOVED PUGS) was the Alpha dog in his litter:  This "attention hound" mutt who clearly LIKES me has already started VYING for my attention & behaving in a somewhat aggressive manner towards my comparatively tiny Omar who UNLIKE MY ROOMMATES "delusional" DOG actually is a LAP DOG (who sleeps with me every night while my roommate's obviously jealous dog WHO CONSTANTLY TRIES TO GET UP ON MY LAP WHENEVER I AM SITTING ON THE COUCH DOWNSTAIRS sleeps right outside my bedroom door), & a hell of a lot smaller than my roommates dog=If this Shepard/Collie mix who has periodically been grabbing hold of my little Omar from behind, humping him, & "pretending" to use his sharp teeth to clamp down on my little Omar's neck ever seriously HARMED my Omar I know I would completely LOSE WHAT'S miraculously (considering the trauma I recently suffered through) LEFT OF MY GRADUALLY DETERIORATING MIND!!!  (This SHIT just never ends for me=I badly NEED a HUG!)

I'm also unfortunately back up to 165 pounds, but I'm planning to FAST on mostly water on 2/14/14 =I should be down a few pounds by 2/15/14.

*After I offered him $1500 CASH (first, last, & security) & BEGGED him to PLEASE save me from potentially punching my aunt in the face, winding up in jail, & leaving Omar helpless & all alone my "saintly" new roommate actually drove quite a distance to my mother's home & picked up me, Omar, & all my stuff "sight unseen" early last Saturday morning WHEN TIME WAS OF THE ESSENCE BECAUSE MY AUNT COULD LITERALLY SHOW UP AT MY MOTHER'S HOME ANY MOMENT & INEVITABLY PROVOKE ME INTO DOING SOMETHING  THAT I WOULD IMMENSELY ENJOY DOING AT THE TIME BUT 100% REGRET after the fact-He doesn't care if Omar pees/poops on the floor-He drives me anywhere I need to go-He spent 2 hours 20 minutes of his precious spare time putting together my brand new computer desk & chair & setting up my computer last night.  He's cool, & he really likes Omar (who also LIKES him)=It's his periodically aggressive dog that's the problem-It's this bad situation regarding my roommate's dog who I now realize could EASILY KILL MY OMAR who wouldn't have a chance in HE__ of surviving any type of attack suddenly initiated upon him by this oh so lovable (towards his owner & me, anyway) mutt that will back me into a corner & force me to try to find a new place to live once I've stayed here for the obligatory 2 months & fulfilled my end of the deal...

***This is what my long time male friend (the guy whose home recently became my 3 month "retreat") said in response to the above words:  {People are hard enough to live with and pets are impossible. You just have to suffer through it. Eventually you'll get used to it.}  This was my heartfelt reply back to him:  I can "put up with" a lot, but I can't "put up with" a "roommate" who wakes me up at all hours of the night AND behaves aggressively towards somebody I LOVE!‏  (THE END)

L

***This morning I weighed 156.4 lbs, but my recent weight loss is BITTER SWEET because it's without question the end result of the ABSOLUTE HELL I've been going through with my senior citizen mother who has too many problems that she absolutely REFUSES to admit to having=Omar & I really have to get out of here ASAP-Find a new place to live-ESCAPE...  (I stay in my room with Omar most of the time=I HONESTLY don't even "feel like" leaving my room to go out to the kitchen & get/make something to eat...)

THIS & THAT:

I'm a natural blond (with BABY PICTURES to PROVE IT).  I stand 5' 9 1/2 IN BARE feet & this morning (the day after my weekly 30 hour mostly water fast) I weighed EXACTLY 163 lbs naked & before eating/drinking anything:  I would like to weigh 153 pounds or less, but it is Winter, & I absolutely DESPISE Winter in New England (where I was born & raised until I was 16 1/2), so all that I can do is continuously give it my best effort when it comes to my STRONG DESIRE to keep my body at a reasonable weight VS. my LIFETIME HATRED of the many month's worth of cold & dreary days SOON to come...

I'm not really Dominant (like most people might think of when they think of a "real dominant") but simply wish to be with a 100% SUBMISSIVE guy*** who FEELS TREMENDOUS PLEASURE simply via providing PLEASURE to somebody else:  In a nutshell I want to experience again what I experienced with that HOTTIE "Switch" who rubbed my back, neck, & shoulders & rubbed/licked/bit/sucked on my feet & toes FOR HOURS (beginning with the upper body massage he gave me on a bench inside the mall & ending with an absolutely incredible "FOOT WORSHIPING EXPERIENCE" he provided for me INSIDE HIS CAR).  My very first time being on the receiving end of a "Foot worshiping" took place not because I had asked this "HOTTIE SWITCH' to do that to me, BUT BECAUSE HE WANTED TO DO THAT TO ME!  (I can't STRESS that last part enough!!!!)  No guy had ever done that to me in my life!  Of course, different guys had gone down on me on more than one occasion in my life, but NEVER, ever, ever in my life had I experienced anything even remotely close to what I experienced with that "HOTTIE Switch" last March.  ***The unbelievable thing to me was that this total HOTTIE who was nearly 15 years my junior had agreed to meet me at the mall & massage me IN PUBLIC in the first place.  He really wanted to worship my feet, however (something he had told me ahead of time), & I kind of didn't want to call attention to he & I & possibly get thrown out of the mall by mall security, so ONLY BECAUSE I TRUSTED THIS GUY & IT WAS THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY did I agree to go out to his car (parked right in the middle of the mall parking lot) so that he & I could have a bit more 100% SAFE FUN in a relatively PRIVATE setting (although he & I UNFORTUNATELY did have to constantly watch out for the occasional NOSY person who might be passing by too close to his car & be tempted to peek in & see EXACTLY what the "HOTTIE SWITCH" & "Hot blond" were "up to" in there)...    LOL

***I'm seeking out PURELY SUBMISSIVE men at this time because I believe that MOST (even if not all) SUBMISSIVE men will not demand/expect things from me that I'm neither ready nor willing to give=I want to TAKE THINGS SLOW with ANY GUY-Doesn't matter how much I LOVE SEX-Doesn't matter how HOT for any particular guy I happen to be (because believe me "Beach Guy"* made me ACHE INSIDE, & I still dropped him just like that because he was too DEMANDING & didn't do one, single thing that caused me to feel/trust that he liked me in even the smallest of ways for anything more than my looks/body)-These are my NON NEGOTIABLE terms that any guy I'm interested in is free to accept or decline as he wishes...

*discussed IN DETAIL (along with juicier details about that "Switch" I hooked up with at the mall last March) in some of my earlier journal entries...

***I am ADMITTEDLY a little bit "nutty" (or let's just use the MUCH NICER word "ECCENTRIC", shall we), but I'm also a GIFTED WRITER (not anywhere near as good as Sylvia P was, but she's dead BY HER OWN HAND, & I'm still breathing):  I've been writing songs, poems, & "in general" since I was a wee lass of 8 or 9 years old, I'm a college honors graduate with a BA in English, & I am (so I've repeatedly been told throughout my ENTIRE life) easy on the eyes=Based on the information (both good & bad) provided above it's up to YOU* to decide whether or not YOU THINK I'm worth getting to know better...  (THE END)

Posted below are 2 out of probably 1000 poems/song lyrics (good, bad, & everything in between) that I've written throughout my lifetime:

LOVE IS NOTHING

Love is nothing
Give me pleasure instead
I'm tired of letting
Love get inside of my head

I'm tired of knowing
What I've always known
Something inside me
Means I'll wind up alone

Love is nothing
When I can drown out the pain
Lift up my spirits
& keep myself sane

It's not worth the trouble
Of living in fear
Give in to the feeling
Then watch it disappear

Love is nothing
But an elusive thought
Can I ever grab it
Maybe-maybe not

Filled up with envy
Maybe some grief
Want what others have
However brief

The feelings don't last
Smothered by hurt
Build up some trust
Then get thrown in the dirt

Dust myself off
& start to sing
Just FUCK IT ALL
Love is nothing...

By L Oct 31, 2008 (written a mere FOUR DAYS prior to when my 7 year 8 month, live in, FARCE of a relationship with a JERK who DID NOT DESERVE ME ended badly)...

Beckoned

I watch the blurred images
as I totter nervously on the edge
Small child waits below
with tiny arms that want to cradle me
Hissing laughter follows me down
as I tumble into open mouth of dead child
You swallow me
Spit out arms & legs
Save the brain for last
then burp with pleasure...

(by L for her college poetry writing class)

*YOU refers to anybody out there-male-female-potential friend-potential LOVER, etc who is trying to make his way through this thing called life the best he can the way that I am-the way that I am-THE BEST I CAN-the best I can-the way that  am...

I am NOT a "Happy Camper"=The site was down, & I wanted to take advantage of a sale that was gonna end at Midnight.  Due to the overseas crooks who had probably fraudulently charged thousands of CC- not just my CC I couldn't use my own cancelled by me CC  to order an expensive, 24 lb bag of BB dog food from P___O over the phone, so I used my mother's CC instead.  When the P___O rep let me know that P___O had my OLD, La address on file I practically SCREAMED into the phone, "Whatever you do-DO NOT SEND MY ORDER TO THAT ADDRESS"!!!!!!  When many days passed & my order still hadn't arrived I assumed that I had incorrectly provided my mother's billing address or something stupid like that, but I vaguely remembered getting a confirmation email from P___O, so I checked again today & almost had a heart attack: Despite the fact that I had not only given that P___O rep my current address but also had stressed that my order must not be sent to my old address P___O had sent my DOG FOOD order (of all things) to the home of my ex boyfriend whose dog I had "stolen"(yea, right) in March of 2012!!!!!!!  I had barely glanced at the confirmation email P___O had sent to me:  Why would I have ever thought in a million years my order would get FKD up?  It's not my fault this happened-It's the fault of the rep who placed my order on January 3, & the LAST thing I wanted was for either my ex or his "Mommy" to ever, ever, ever receive any kind of reminder of either me or Omar, & this is my answer to the P___O rep who asked me such an ASININE (since I'd already fully explained the situation to her) question  yesterday, "NO-I can't contact my ex-You guys need to refund me my GD fking, money, since this was your GD, STUPID, mistake-not mine!!!!!  (I was slightly more POLITE towards the rep I spoke with yesterday than you might think based on the words I just wrote,  but on the inside I was SEETHING WITH BARELY CONTROLLED RAGE...)

Weight loss "update" for THE NEW YEAR:  As I'm sure must be the case with many/most of you out there I regrettably OVER INDULGED over the holidays, & I now FEAR stepping on the scale, however later on today I will strip down to my birthday suit, BRAVELY face the scale, & then (because I always do) let you know the exact weight I registered on my digital scale after fasting on mostly water for approximately 30 hours (from around 8 p.m. Saturday evening to around 8 a.m. or later Monday morning)...

*Not looking forward to it, but MUST FIND OUT THE TRUTH!

1/6/14=160.8 lbs-Not as bad as I'd feared it would be, but since I did fast on mostly water for approximately 30 straight hours, & one generally gains back a small amount of weight immediately after doing any kind of fast my TRUE CURRENT WEIGHT will be whatever I weigh on 1/7/14, & will most likely be around 163 or 164 pounds which is around what I weighed when I took the original bikini pics that I uploaded out here this past Summer.  So, yea I just took 24 BRAND NEW BIKINI SHOTS of me & then uploaded out here a few of my favorite of the bunch.  I think I look about the same in these recent bikini shots of me as I looked in the old bikini shots of me, & I really wish that (for motivation & incentive) I had taken at least one bikini shot of me a couple of months ago when I was staying with my ex & had actually managed to BRIEFLY get down to 153 pounds-a number I hadn't seen light up on any scale of mine in over 15 years & had HONESTLY/SADLY believed (especially a few years ago when I weighed an OBESE 232 pounds) I would never, ever, ever even come close to seeing register as my body weight again...

Poor Omar:  He doesn't understand either foot plus deep snow or frigid cold, so despite the supposedly warm sweater he's been wearing ever since it started getting significantly cold outside EVEN DURING THE DAY he still UNDERSTANDABLY doesn't AT ALL enjoy going outside EVEN TO DO HIS BUSINESS in this type of weather, & if yesterday morning's 1 degree or so weather was any indication of what's to come in the next few months NEITHER Omar nor I are gonna be very "Happy Campers"...

FOR THE RECORD:  I absolutely DETEST Winter in New England.  I lived in Ma for the first 16 1/2 years of my life, but from 2001-2012 I lived in Los Angeles.  When it comes to living in New England EVERYTHING-including keeping my weight down-is harder for me this time of year.  I LOVE the HEAT-The HOTTER the BETTER as far as I've EVER been concerned.  I LOVE wearing as little clothing as possible even when I'm simply out POWER WALKING for miles while the warm sun is shining down on my WELL PROTECTED fair skin, & my favorite Alternative/Classic rock songs are BLASTING in my ears.  I also LOVE the ocean-LOVE the sand-LOVE the myriad of sea creatures (ESPECIALLY DOLPHINS & SEALS) that inhabit the ocean-LOVE water in general (including POOLS & JACUZZIS), & ALWAYS have!  (Wanna meet me inside The New England Aquarium on a day there's not a major storm RAGING outside?)

As for Omar-He's an "LA BABY" who in cold weather where the temperature hovers around 30 degrees or a bit less is still thankfully PERFECTLY FINE even while he's out on a brisk, 45 minute walk with me, but who simply can't tolerate the type of frigid temperatures we just had that made it extremely difficult for his tiny, shivering, sweater clad body to even quickly pee (something he THANKFULLY would do even while snow was coming down on his little head), & unfortunately pretty much rendered absolutely futile my desire for him to not just pee but to also do his other type of business outside DESPITE the DETESTABLE cold or snow...  Last Winter did it EVER get down to 1 degrees?  To my recollection we got that HORRIBLE BLIZZARD (my "lovely" welcome back to Ma "gift" complete with NO HEAT & NO ELECTRICITY for 48 hours of PURE HELL where the temperature in my mother's home eventually plummeted down to only 34 degrees), but it NEVER got as cold outside (not even at night, I believe) as it did this past Friday & Saturday.

Truthfully, I belong in LA, but I returned home with my dog for VERY VALID reasons that are none of your business unless/until you EARN MY TRUST & I wish to share my personal business with you:  Even more reason why at this time I am ONLY SEEKING OUT SUBMISSIVE MEN WHO WILL WANT NOTHING BUT TO PLEASE ME & WHO WILL NOT ASK ME A LOT OF QUESTIONS OR DEMAND THINGS FROM ME THAT I'M NEITHER READY NOR WILLING TO GIVE...

Sincerely,

"Mistress Alicia" (who truly can't wait until it's warm outside again, & she can again dress in skimpy clothing while she's out either POWER WALKING just about every day for an hour or more to help keep her voluptuous body fit & lean, or leisurely walking her "baby" who shares her LIFETIME LOVE OF FOOD & therefore NEEDS/REQUIRES daily exercise as much as she does)...

Happy New Year, Guys:

FOR THE RECORD:  The ongoing uploading glitch on this site is still not fixed:  When I click on "view profile" & then look at one picture at a time I wind up seeing several DIFFERENT pictures of me than I see when I look at my uploaded pictures all at once via the "view all photos" button*.  When I go to the spot where I'm supposed to be able to either delete any of the pictures I've already uploaded or upload new pictures I STILL SEE "SEXY, SILHOUETTE, LADY" in many of the spots where you guys or I (if I click on those aforementioned buttons above) can still see all those pictures of me that I uploaded out on to this site this past Summer=My "plan" for the new year is to upload on to this site BRAND NEW, RECENT (taken w/in the past month) PICTURES of me, but you know what "they" say about the best laid plans:  Were it not for the fking aforementioned, NEVER BEFORE EXPERIENCED BY ME OUT ON THIS SITE, ULTRA ANNOYING, GLITCH I could put on my bikini (or other select, sexy, articles of clothing of my choosing) right now & start snapping away, but even if I managed to take some decent photos of me today it would still be a CRAP SHOOT as to whether or not any of you out there would EVER get to see said pictures!!!!!!

*When I view my pictures one at a time (not when I view my pictures all at once via the "view all photos" button) I actually can see BOTH of the brand new, towel pictures of me, but I don't know if ALL of you can see what I can see?

Just a FRIENDLY reminder:  I do not EVER respond back to any message sent to me by any man whose REAL APPEARANCE (ie face & body) and/or physical characteristics (ie height/weight) are a complete mystery to me=I TRUTHFULLY put myself out there & EXPECT you to do the same-otherwise don't bother writing to me & simply MOVE ON to someone else...

***The ongoing uploading glitch on this site is still not fixed:  When I click on "view profile" & then look at one picture at a time I see several DIFFERENT pictures of me than when I look at all my uploaded pictures at once via the "view pictures" button.  When I go to the spot where I'm supposed to be able to either delete any of the pictures I've already uploaded or upload new pictures I STILL SEE "SEXY, SILHOUETTE, LADY" in many of the spots where you guys or I (if I click on those buttons above) can still see the older pictures of me that I uploaded out here this past Summer=My "plan" for the new year is to upload out here on this site BRAND NEW, RECENT (taken w/in the past month) PICTURES of me, but you know what "they" say about the best laid plans:  I could snap & upload bikini pictures of me today were it not for the fking aforementioned, NEVER BEFORE EXPERIENCED BY ME OUT ON THIS SITE, ULTRA ANNOYING, GLITCH!!!!!

So, Ma is apparently about to be hit with a MAJOR SNOWSTORM on the very day that I was planning to travel VERY FAR via various forms of public transportation to get my eyebrows shaped at a place where it takes FOREVER to get an appointment!!!!  (OH WELL-Can't predict the weather more than a month in advance, right?  LOL)

***I fasted on mostly water all day yesterday, & this morning I weighed 159.0 pounds (10 times in a row) on my 100% ACCURATE digital scale:  I wish to gradually get back to where I weigh around 155 pounds the day after I do one of my weekly water fasts=My goal is to CONSISTENTLY keep my weight under 160 pounds.

VERY IMPORTANT "update":

Upon further deliberation (& after receiving & reading loads of new messages from both completely submissive & "Switch" men) I have decided that it might be best if I continue to list myself as a Switch rather than as a Dom, however at this point in time I really am looking to be with a man who BOTH turns me on (ie appeals to me on a multitude of levels-including physically), & TRULY WANTS/DESIRES NOTHING MORE THAN TO PLEASE ME RATHER THAN WANTS/DESIRES IT TO BE THE OTHER WAY AROUND:  I WASTED far too many years of my life ENDLESSLY/ DESPERATELY/100% FUTILELY trying to PLEASE a cheap, selfish (in more ways than you can imagine) Pric_, & if in order to re-discover my "inner actress" so that I can at least "pretend" to be Dominant & GET WHAT I WANT FOR A FKING CHANGE I have to viciously shake awake my peacefully hibernating acting skills & tap into those "forgotten" memories from my long ago days of bringing in some extra cash via my part time employment with a professional phone sex company then "that" (ie playing the part in order to get what I want) is exactly what I will do!!!!

Sincerely,

NEWLY BORN

"Mistress Alicia"

P.S.  To the guy who asked:  The answer is "YES-I do write poetry".  (I have been writing songs, poems, & "in general' since I was a wee lass of only 8 or 9 years old, & IF YOU FEEL INCLINED TO DO SO YOU CAN LOCATE OUT HERE SOME OF MY ORIGINAL POETRY & SONG LYRICS SIMPLY VIA PERUSING THROUGH MY NUMEROUS JOURNAL ENTRIES THAT SPAN BACK APPROXIMATELY TEN MONTHS.)

Here is one of my older journal entries posted on 5/12/13:

Beckoned

I watch the blurred images
as I totter nervously on the edge
Small child waits below
with tiny arms that want to cradle me
Hissing laughter follows me down
as I tumble into open mouth of dead child
You swallow me
Spit out arms & legs
Save the brain for last
then burp with pleasure...

(by L.A.P. for her college poetry writing class)

To be or not to be
Shakespeare stated perfectly
This endless question's haunted me
In college-now-& before
Continue on
or become
"Nevermore"...

(by L.A.P. in 2009 or 2010)

I was a THROWAWAY child who REFUSED to be
an UNRECOGNIZED Prodigy
but as "things" often go I eventually
simply STOPPED CARING what happened to me...

Ces't La vie
Ces't la vie
Ces't la vie

"Look at you-You're DISGUSTING-I have a better body at my age then you do at yours"!

(Not ANYMORE-you FKING CUN_-NOT ANYMORE!!!!!)

 THE END

To ALL Collarme men (& women if applicable):  A moment ago I QUICKLY snapped 4 pictures of me in a towel & uploaded my 2 favorites-ENJOY!!!!  (:

To all the Collarme MEN who CHOOSE to send a message to me:  If I have zero interest in pursuing things with you then even if I like what you had to say to me in your message you will not hear back from me, however my lack of response to your message neither means that I haven't read the message you sent to me nor (if applicable) that I haven't appreciated what you had to say to me.  I'm just one human being (one rather fkd up human being, in fact) trying to make my way in this world the best I can like all of you are:  I pretty much know what kind/type of guy I AM looking to pursue things with or "get to know better" (so to speak), & I simply can't reply back to every guy who initiates contact with me-SORRY, but that's just how it has to be.

Sincerely,

"Mistress Alicia"

***Other than the undeniable sexual attraction I immediately felt towards him what I absolutely loved about that younger than me, Hottie Switch whom I hooked up with AT THE MALL this past May, but who after our 3 hours of DAYTIME fun (that took place both on a mall bench & in his car that was parked outside in the middle of the mall parking lot WHERE I FELT RELATIVELY SAFE THE ENTIRE TIME he was RUBBING, LICKING, SUCKING ON, & BITING my feet & toes) never indicated any type of desire to engage in a "repeat performance" with me (I believe he must have ultimately felt I was a little too "weird" or "eccentric" for his tastes ) was his utterly shocking to me willingness to meet up with a total stranger (albeit a rather attractive, sexy, STRANGER) & massage the back, neck, shoulders, & feet (feet was his idea-not mine) of said stranger IN A PUBLIC PLACE where he knew UPFRONT that actual sex with her (ie me) would be completely off the table!

Get it, guys?  This HOTTIE who had never met me in person knew UPFRONT (ie before he had ever laid eyes on me in person) that there was no way in hell he would be engaging in any type of actual sex* with me on our first "date", yet he still EAGERLY (what a turn on that EAGERNESS on his part was for me, btw) accepted my "strange" proposition that he & I meet one another at the mall during the day & IMMEDIATELY engage in PDA on a bench RIGHT INSIDE THE FKING MALL:  I am now officially declaring myself to be a DOMINANT MISTRESS simply because I wish to "someday" experience again what I experienced FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER IN MY LIFE with that Switch...

*I know for a fact that I am clean as a baby, & I intend to do everything in my power to remain that way, but I'm still HUMAN & still desire to engage in SAFE FUN with select individuals providing I'm actually able to find individuals similar (in mentality, open mindedness, & sex appeal) to that aforementioned HOTTIE SWITCH who worshiped my feet/toes FOR HOURS simply because he wanted to.  (:

***Weight loss update for "Mistress Alicia"-a NON CRUEL mistress who ABOVE ALL ELSE values mutual respect along with endless pampering of & affection towards her on the part of any of her myriad of self proclaimed admirers whom she would fully expect to ALL be innate PLEASERS (individuals who feel immense pleasure/satisfaction simply via providing pleasure/satisfaction to others) who would WANT NOTHING MORE THAN TO TO CONTINUOUSLY DO EVERYTHING IN THEIR POWER TO EARN HER TRUST, APPROVAL, & AFFECTION IN RETURN:  As of yesterday I weighed exactly 158.0 pounds.  The morning I flew back home on 12/5/13 I weighed 161.4 lbs on my scale that I later found out consistently (when calculating either my weight or my mother's weight) showed 2 pounds more than my mother's LESS ACCURATE digital scale=On 8/29/31 when I weighed 168.8 lbs (4-5 of those excess pounds were the unfortunate end result of some recent brief & regrettable "indulges" on my part) on my mother's digital scale I would have weighed 170.8lbs on my not yet purchased by me digital scale:  170.8-161.4=I was still down an impressive 9.4 lbs pounds on the day I left my ex's & flew back home to Ma.  I fasted on only H20 & Apple Cider vinegar all day on 12/5/13, & on 12/6/13 I weighed 158.4 lbs.  On 12/12/13 I weighed 159.2 lbs.  I did my usual mostly water fast on 12/15/13 & weighed 158.6 lbs on 12/16/13.  On 12/23/13 I weighed exactly 158 lbs after I had fasted on mostly water all day on 12/22/13.  As you can clearly see my weight has fluctuated tremendously.  The reason behind this fluctuation in my weight is a quite simple reason:  I LOVE TO EAT, & as is the case with far too many people (especially nowadays when obesity has literally become an epidemic in our country & in many other "indulged" countries) I unfortunately sometimes eat more than I should:  I have now officially declared (to myself, my mother, & my "fans") that my goal weight is 150 lbs, so as long as I continuously shoot for that most likely unattainable for me goal weight of 150 lbs I'll more than likely be able to consistently keep my weight under 160 pounds just like I informed my currently 145 pound mother that if she makes her goal weight 140 pounds she'll more than likely be able to consistently keep her weight under 150 pounds.

The primary photo I recently uploaded out here was taken immediately after I had just gotten my hair cut at a top rated salon on 12/4/13.  Additional photo #14 was taken  right before I was about to get MY VERY FIRST BRAZILIAN on 12/6/13-a rainy, miserable, day that turned my naturally wavy hair into the tussled mess you see in that picture:  Sometime in the near future FOR MY OWN PLEASURE & ENJOYMENT (& yours if applicable) I intend to take (via my camera's self timer) & upload out here brand new bikini pictures of me, but seeing as I currently weigh only a few pounds less than I weighed this past Summer when I took and uploaded out here those various bikini pics of me you folks have to realize that none of the new, sexy, pictures of me are going to display any dramatic differences in my body, but what these brand new pictures of me will definitely do is serve to PROVE TO ALL OF YOU that I currently pretty much look the same as I looked this past Summer (ie that I haven't packed on like 20 pounds or something ridiculous like that)...  LOL

I'm ashamed to say that I couldn't for the life of me remember the password to my PC=I haven't been on the internet AT ALL in 18 days.  I feared that DUE TO MY OWN STUPIDITY I might have to shell out big bucks to have an HP rep come to my home & reinstall my operating system, but I searched through my piles of papers/notebooks & THANKFULLY found the NON ADMINISTRATOR password that I had originally set up so that my mom could get on my PC if she wanted to do so=I was able to log on to my PC with her password:  At least I FINALLY got on my computer even if not as an administrator.  I found out that I had close to 350 messages (mostly from companies that want but ain't getting my business) in my hotmail inbox, & now despite the fact that it's close to 2:00 a.m. (long past my bedtime), & I'm feeling ill/weak from FASTING on only spring water & a small amount of Bragg apple cider vinegar all day yesterday I can't bring myself to go to bed until I at least completely clean up my hotmail inbox...

FAMISHED & EXHAUSTED (but still thin & endlessly struggling to remain that way) "MISTRESS ALICIA" (who still aches to be sensuously massaged, touched, held-HUGGED-no strings attached-hence the reason she has deliberately CHOSEN to declare herself a MISTRESS & seek out only certain types of men)...

P.S.  I'm a "work in progress"=I ADMITTEDLY did gain a few pounds during the last couple of weeks I was with my ex & the first couple of weeks I was back home with my momma & the 2 non human "brats", but "gaining a few pounds" simply means that I currently weigh around what I weighed this past summer BEFORE the start of my 3+ month, out of state, "adventure" that SADLY reached it's end a little over 2 weeks ago...

I more than likely will not reach my goal of 150 pounds by the time I fly back home, but I've thankfully pretty much maintained at least a 10 pound weight loss since I arrived at my ex's home on Aug 29, 2013, & as soon as I get back home to Ma I do intend to take numerous BRAND NEW SEXY PICTURES of me so that I can then upload those pictures onto this site & other sites...

***Remember that due to the discrepancy in how a person appears depending upon what type of mirror that person is looking into at any given moment until I get back home & snap brand new bikini shots of me or create new videos of me wearing my bikini & compare those new shots or videos to the numerous bikini shots of me & handful of bikini videos I snapped of me/created this past Summer when I was about 10 pounds* heavier than I am right now even I won't really know what my new & improved physique currently looks like?

*10 pounds certainly isn't a lot of weight to lose, & I'm sure that any new picture I snap of me while I'm wearing my blue bikini (featured in several photos of me posted out on this site) isn't gonna show that dramatic of a difference in my physique, however ya have to remember that I was already thin (just not stick thin or "Hollywood" thin) before I lost another 10 pounds!

FOR THE RECORD:  I read ALL messages that show up in my inbox, so if you do not receive a reply back from me my lack of response to even your most heartfelt, complimentary, words means that for whatever reason ( & it's not gonna necessarily be due to my lack of physical attraction towards you, since I also read the ENTIRE profile description of every guy who sends me a message via any of these "Dating Websites" I belong to, & there have been guys who wrote to me whom I was very PHYSICALLY attracted to but whose profile description words completely turned me off) I AM NOT INTERESTED IN YOU, & REPEATEDLY MESSAGING ME when I'm clearly NOT INTERESTED IN YOU will only serve to annoy me-not cause me to suddenly decide to give in & reply back to you when I do not wish to do so!  (THE END)

"God" do I get a kick out of this "Dating Website" SHT!  The Submissive guy whose latest message to me I was responding back to just now (ie he had sent me a message in response to a message I had sent to him) has apparently BLOCKED ME?  Please keep in mind that this man had been pursuing me-not the other way around, & in reference to the words I've posted in bold below let me tell ya this "strange" tale:  Out of the blue that Switch (whom I had CHOSEN to block on this site when I had never heard from him again after he & I had "hooked up" at a local mall) recently contacted me via my email address WHERE HE COULD HAVE REACHED ME AT ANY TIME SINCE LAST MARCH, yet when I asked him point blank why he had suddenly decided to contact me he was vague & elusive (ie getting him to explain ANYTHING to me was like pulling teeth & annoying me to no end).  I even asked him if he had contacted me all these months later because he wished to see me again-wished for a "repeat performance" of what had taken place between he & I last March, & he replied back with an astounding/bewildering to me "No"!  OK-THAT'S FINE, but PLEASE just answer me THIS one question before I lose my fking mind-IF YOU DID NOT WISH TO SEE ME AGAIN WHY THE FK DID YOU CONTACT ME OUT OF THE BLUE AFTER ALL THESE MONTHS?  I didn't contact you!  You suddenly contacted me, yet I had never heard from you for all these months despite the fact that right before I chose to block you on Collarme I had sent you an email stating just how much I had enjoyed our 3 hours together & how I wished you had wanted to see me again.  (Notice how even though I had SADLY not heard from this guy for an entire week I still DIPLOMATICALLY sent him the same very complimentary message via this site & via my personal email account, & I also INTENTIONALLY NEVER BLOCKED HIM FROM CONTACTING ME AGAIN VIA EMAIL-only via this site, so why suddenly contact me several months later if you did not wish to see me again=You make no gd, fking,  sense whatsoever, so PLEASE for the sake of my fragile sanity don't contact me again?  BTW:  I could post out here the bizarre back & forth emails that RECENTLY took place between me & this guy, but why should I bother?)  As for "Beach Guy"-According to all the complimentary things he kept writing to me in order to entice me to give in & agree to his prerequisite for agreeing to EVER see me again SEXUAL DEMANDS he "supposedly" thought I was just so sexy/beautiful yet didn't think I was worth meeting with a second time unless I agreed to do explicitly sexual things with him on our second "date"=FK HIM & ALL men like him!   It's not like I would have NEVER had sex with him-I simply wanted to feel like he LIKED ME for more than my looks/body, & also just because I'm not looking for a "boyfriend" or "serious relationship" doesn't mean that I want to be with any guy who takes me & my sexuality for granted & thinks I'm gonna hop into bed with him just like that simply because he snaps his fingers (ie wants/asks/orders me to FK HIM)!  I may admittedly have SOME slightly submissive tendencies, but I'm not at all submissive in the way that guy obviously wanted/expected me to be!  Even in regards to a POTENTIAL FWB situation I still want/need/EXPECT the BUILD UP & EXCITEMENT that goes along with not knowing when/if anything sexual will happen between me & any guy I like/am attracted to, & any guy (no matter how HOT he is or how attracted to him I happen to be) on this GD, fking, planet who thinks he can just DEMAND SEXUAL things from me rather than SEDUCE me into truly wanting to give myself to him in that manner & TRUSTING him enough to give in to my sexual desire for him can simply go FK HIMSELF (literally go to town, baby) & leave me be=I'd rather be ALONE.

Posted below is the message I just TRIED to send as clarification in regards to the questions a Submissive who has suddenly blocked me from continuing our back & forth conversation had asked me:

First (last March) a much younger than me HOTTIE Switch I met via this site did what NOBODY had ever done to me in my life-massaged, licked, bit my feet/toes (all 100% SAFE activity between he & I that took place inside a public mall & then in his car in broad daylight where I knew I WOULD BE SAFE) then I hooked up with another much younger than me STUD who had contacted me via a vanilla dating site I currently belong to, & I ultimately PAID this HOTTIE $100 to massage me on the beach for 1 hour a few months ago (during the Summer).  I NEVER claimed that these types of activities I ACHE to experience again weren't sexual in nature, ____.  I seek out SUBMISSIVE men for one reason only:  I know that SUBMISSIVE men get PLEASURE simply out of giving PLEASURE, & I know that a submissive guy will not DEMAND/EXPECT any type of actual sex from me until I'm damn good & ready to give myself to ANY MAN in that manner!

BTW:  "Beach Guy" went bye bye when I REFUSED to agree to do explicitly sexual things with him the second time I was to have met with him=GOOD RIDDANCE!  I had not had to pay one penny to the fking Switch (who had been equally as HOT as "Beach Guy", btw) who had WANTED to worship my feet on top of massaging my back, neck, & shoulders in a public place (what I had wanted but had never thought in a million years he or any guy would agree to do at all let alone do FOR FREE, but what I had mentioned to him on a whim & FOR THE HELL OF IT after I had noticed that his profile stated that HE DID NOT JUST LOVE TO GIVE MASSAGES BUT ACTUALLY LIVED TO GIVE MASSAGES)...

***Since I stopped eating at around 8:00 p.m. Sunday night & will not be eating until tomorrow at around 8:00 a.m. or later I will actually FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER IN MY LIFE ultimately wind up FASTING ON ONLY WATER for at least 60 straight hours.

(150 pounds here I SLOWLY come, but truth be told I really can't wait until tomorrow arrives & I can EAT AGAIN...  LOL)

***You have to CRAWL before you can WALK...

TAME fantasy #1:  To be with a man who can't keep his hands off of me IN PUBLIC-who is naturally inclined to whisper naughty things in my ears IN PUBLIC, but who will never do anything IN PUBLIC that might land one or both of us IN JAIL...

TAME fantasy #2:  To be TIED UP & at the complete mercy of a man whom I 100% TRUST will never INTENTIONALLY hurt me (as in PHYSICALLY). 

TAME fantasy #3:  To be with a man who ACHES to "devour" me from head to toe... 

TAME fantasy #4    To be with a man whose UNBRIDLED PASSION is focused SOLELY on me as the willing & eager of his UNQUENCHABLE Desire & "Thirst"...  (:

(I hope you do realize that while these 4 "FANTASIES" are loads of FUN for me to "imagine" experiencing I would probably have to change into an entirely different person ON THE INSIDE in order for me to ever be able to "handle" even just one of my LONGTIME "fantasies" MIRACULOUSLY entering my reality for the very first time in my life?)

***I'm PROBABLY not even submissive-at least not in the way that MOST DOMINANT MEN on this site definitely seem to want their "submissive women" to be, but I KNOW what I want, & what I want (regardless of whether or not I could actually "handle" getting what I want) is NIGHT & DAY from what I've been getting thus far in my life...

Re WHY I FAST: I LOVE the feeling of POWER it gives me over my body, AND it's also a fantastic way for me to REGULARLY keep my weight in line:

Throughout these 3 months that I've been living with my musician ex my weight has continuously FLUCTUATED 1-7 pounds, & that type of "fluctuation" is what happens to most people who are in a constant struggle to lose or maintain weight.  I consumed a bit too much food last week, & now my scale says that I weigh 159.8, but that's OK, because once I fast on water only for 1-2 days (something I have NEVER done for 2 consecutive days in my life but am planning on doing today & tomorrow) my weight will go back down.  If I didn't fast for 1-2 days this week, but CHOSE to once again "indulge" (like I CHOSE to do last week) my weight would more than likely creep up over 160 lbs=Weighing over 160 pounds is what I have THANKFULLY 100% avoided doing over the past 3 months, & what I wish to avoid doing indefinitely, so I most definitely plan to fast on water only (or on mostly water with a miniscule amount of juice added into my consumption of one full gallon of water) 1 day per week INDEFINITELY...

My weight while at my ex's home from 8/29/13-present:

168.8 lbs  8/29/13 (mom's digital scale)
Fasted on mostly water (36 hr fast since it began after dinner the night before) 9/10/13
159.4 lbs   9/14/13 (my new Eat Smart Digital scale)
160.2 lbs   9/17/13
159.0 lbs   9/23/13
Fasted on mostly water (36 hr fast since it began after dinner the night before)  9/23/13
157.2 lbs    9/24/13
159.2 lbs    9/27/13
159.8 lbs    10/1/13
158.6 lbs    10/3/13
Fasted on mostly water (36 hr fast since it began after dinner the night before)  10/3/13
157.4 lbs    10/4/13
160.0 lbs    10/6/13
158.2 lbs    10/7/13
158.2 lbs    10/9/13
158.8 lbs    10/10/13
Fasted on mostly water for 36 hours (fast began after dinner the night before) 10/10/13
156.6 lbs    10/11/13
160.0 lbs    10/13/13
157.8 lbs    10/16/13
Fasted on mostly water for 36 hours (fast began after dinner the night before) 10/18/13
157.0 lbs    10/19/13
157.2 lbs    10/23/13
157.4 lbs    10/24/13
Fasted on mostly water for 36 hours (fast began after dinner the night before) 10/24/13
154.8 lbs    10/25/13
156.4 lbs    10/28/13
156.4 lbs    10/29/13
158.2 lbs    10/30/13
157.0 lbs    11/1/13
Fasted on mostly water for 36 hours (fast began after dinner the night before) 11/1/13  
155.0 lbs    11/2/13
Fasted on mostly water for 36 hours (fast began after dinner the night before) 11/5/13  
153.6 lbs    11/6/13
154.4 lbs    11/8/13
Semi fast-didn't eat breakfast or lunch, but ate various foods at night because my ex didn't remember that I was fasting, & I didn't wish to turn down the salad he wished to share with me because he'd made too much, & once I'd finished my small bowl of salad I naturally wanted to eat more food.             11/11/13
154.6 lbs    11/12/13
Juice fast (pasteurized juice) & water 11/12/13
153.4 lbs    11/13/13
158.0 lbs    11/17/13
156.8 lbs    11/18/13
Fasted on mostly water for 36 hours (fast began after dinner the night before)11/18/13 
153.8 lbs    11/19/13
Juice fast (raw, unpasteurized, apple cider & pasteurized prune juice)  11/19/13
153.2 lbs    11/20/13
157.0 lbs    11/22/13
159.8 lbs    11/25/13

Fasted on ONLY WATER for 36 hours (fast began after dinner the night before 11/25/13) 11/25/13

155.8 lbs    11/26/13

Fasted on ONLY WATER for 24 hours (continuation of 2 day water fast) 11/26/13

154.2 lbs    11/27/13

So, I'll be flying HOME (a bittersweet thought for me) in a few more weeks (& opting for the "pat down" just as I did when I flew here to my ex's home 2 1/2 months ago), & as of yesterday morning I was 153.4 pounds=Keep up the good work, L-You WILL hit your goal of 150 pounds in no time...   (LOL)

The following is a CUTE poem I wrote shortly after I graduated from college & weighed a NOT OBESE but not exactly svelte, either, 182 pounds that via hard work, discipline, & REGULAR weight lifting routines at the gym I had joined I changed into a lean, TONED, 166 pounds in less than a year:

Just ignore those hunger pains

Think of what you have to gain

Thin & sexy is the goal

Lose those excess flabby rolls

You don't need that sticky sweet

Don't give in & admit defeat

Stick it out & you will see

It's not so bad to be hungry*

All it takes is discipline

This is a battle you can win

All it takes is discipline

This is a battle you will win

Think of what will happen when you get thin

& don't let yourself get fat again...  by L.A.P. age 22 or 23

*Via eating a myriad of nutritious, raw, generally healthy, non GMO, organic, foods, taking a variety of beneficial supplements, not drinking alcohol, going to bed early every night, exercising as much as I could do w/out "killing" myself, not eating any meat, & not being in a continuously STRESSFUL TO ME environment where I am constantly arguing with somebody, I GRADUALLY lost 15 pounds over the past 2 1/2 months, & I was HONESTLY rarely if ever hungry unlike has ALWAYS been the case when I've "dieted" in the past...

Preface:  UNLIKE is UNFORTUNATELY the case with far too many men & women (especially those in the "public eye") I DO NOT EVER ADD 2-3 INCHES TO MY REAL HEIGHT:  I am 5'9 1/2 IN BARE FEET, & all that I ever rightfully do is round up 1/2 inch & list myself as being 5'10!!!!!!

 Due to the FACT that I've been on an as of right now 2 month, PEACEFUL, retreat (that will SADLY be "winding down" in about a month) in the home of a VERY GOOD FRIEND of mine, eating ONLY healthy, organic, food & no meat, drinking shtloads of SPRING WATER everyday, doing cleanses, regularly eating green, whey protein, smoothies, exercising (even if not as often as I would have liked to), taking various supplements, & consistently trying to HEAL both my body & mind I am now at least TEN POUNDS lighter than I was when I snapped those blue bikini pictures of me that you see posted in my profile:  I've dropped around 15 pounds since I arrived here on 8/29/13, however my weight had unfortunately climbed up to 168.8 pounds right before I flew here=At this time I can't check my calendar back home, but I believe I weighed around 163 pounds the day I snapped & uploaded out here those bikini shots of me, & yesterday I weighed a "lean n mean" 153.6 lbs on my VERY ACCURATE (step on it ten times in a row, & you will weigh exactly the same ALL TEN TIMES) digital, scale.  (My "plan" is for me to weigh as close to 150 pounds as I possibly can the day I fly back home to Ma, & YES, since I clearly BUST MY A__ on a regular basis to remain in shape & look as good as I can possibly look the physical appearance of any man I CHOOSE to be with does matter to me, & I have every right in the universe to feel the way I do!)

What I more or less wrote in my notebook at 7:00 a.m. this morning shortly after I had woken up for the day:

I did my 1X per week, mostly water, FAST (that I plan to continue doing 1x per week indefinitely) yesterday, & this morning I weighed 153.6 pounds=Right now I am officially 15 pounds thinner than I was when I arrived at my ex's on 8/29/13, & nearly EIGHTY POUNDS THINNER than I was in 2008 & 2009 when I weighed a DEPRESSING, MASSIVE, 232 pounds.  Due to the well known discrepancies found in mirrors (ie how "weight wise" a person might look different-sometimes radically different- depending upon what type of mirror said person is gazing into at the moment) until I return home, take several pictures of myself while I'm wearing my blue bikini, closely examine those pictures, & compare those pictures to the pictures I took & uploaded onto this site months ago even I won't truly know how much thinner my body now looks =I am INTENTIONALLY postponing snapping any new pictures of the 15 pounds lighter, "new & improved", me until I am able to snap said pictures in the comfort of my own home...

(Yesterday FOR TWO HOURS NON STOP I raked up MOST* of the leaves that had piled up big time in my ex's yard.  I'm not at all used to raking leaves=My body's kind of sore today, plus my tummy is rumbling, & I can't wait to EAT...)

Written at 1:26 p.m:  *Today (very soon, in fact) I'll be finishing up my "chore" (that was not nearly as boring & tedious a task to engage in as it would have been had I not been BLASTING my music in my ears the entire time I was engaging in said task), & then going on a nice, long, POWER WALK...  (:

RE:  All the "Bad Stuff" I've recently been learning about (soaking up like a sponge & filing away into every dark recess of my already overloaded brain) either through intensive reading/watching on my own or via my brilliant, deep, & beyond aware musician ex:

Sometimes I just want to watch/talk about SHALLOW SHT with my naive/ignorant but beyond loving/giving mother, hug or joyfully run down the street with my ENVIABLY OBLIVIOUS to the ongoing plight of our rapidly deteriorating world, & constantly overflowing with PURE love & affection pug dog, or find a SUBMISSIVE HOTTIE who thinks I'm beyond beautiful/sexy & considers it a privilege/honor to rub/lick/bite/ my feet & suck on my toes...  (:

It's 10/29/13 & my body weight is still holding steady at 156.4 pounds-a MASSIVE 76 pounds down from my all time high body weight of 232 pounds-despite the following situations that came into play on various occasions while I was staying here in my ex's PEACEFUL, country, home:

#1 Any sincere attempt to get healthy can unfortunately OFTEN cause you to at first periodically become SICK (ie experience what's referred to in this circle as a "healing crisis").

#2  There were many rainy or cold days that prevented me from wanting to venture outside.

#3  I had occasional problems with my feet and/or sneakers that hindered my ability to POWER WALK as often as I would have liked to do.

And last but certainly not least-My far too frequent undeniable periods of outright laziness combined with other mitigating factors UNFORTUNATELY prevented me from exercising even remotely as often as I had originally hoped/planned to exercise during my months long "retreat" in the home of my ex boyfriend whom I have known/loved for going on 19 years now, but who is A WONDERFUL, KIND, SUPPORTIVE, PLATONIC, FRIEND TO ME & NOTHING MORE THAN THAT.   (And now despite the fact that the Chomper/HN cleanse I'd been regularly taking for nearly a month unfortunately suddenly began disagreeing with me over the past few days or so & causing me to experience more than occasional, distressful to me, "gastronomical upsets" I'm gonna FORCE myself to CLEAN the various areas of my ex's house that NEED TO BE CLEANED, & then hopefully find the energy to at least take a short walk around the block...)  THE END    (:

BTW:  When I fly back home to Momma & "babies" in a few weeks I'm gonna ON PRINCIPAL ALONE (ie nobody's inconsequential to me arguments are ever gonna persuade me to do otherwise) opt for the "pat down" just as I did when I flew here on 8/29/13...

***My ongoing "FOR THE HELL OF IT" plan  is for me to weigh as close to 150 pounds as I possibly can the day I step foot into Ma once again...  (LOL)

The Awakening

See her in the corner shaking

Is she something in the making

Torn in two

Inside she's blue

Longing for the awakening

Puzzled by the brevity

Good feelings rise then cease to be

Courage is to maintain breath

Climb inside & view the depths

Creation whole

It sears the soul

Please let me go

& embrace death...

by L.A.P.  1/6/09

My mom to me (over the phone) this morning:  "You've lost all that weight-Why are you FASTING today"?

Since I can't remember word for word what I replied back to my mom's innocent but still ignorant question here's the "gist" of my reply: "It's not about weight loss, mom-I've been fasting one day a week for many months now, & when I fast I usually only lose a couple of pounds that I gain right back, anyway-It's about the DISCIPLINE involved with fasting-It's about my inner "knowing" that I can go one, stupid, day without eating-That I'm not gonna DIE from going one day without eating-It's about the FACT that it's very good for your body to give it an entire day's break from digesting solid foods"...

I wrote the following short poem about my musician ex nearly 18 years ago (not long after I met him), & in many ways this poem's words actually ring truer today than they ever have before:

His PURITY is a light that blinds me

but things I do serve to remind me

He's in a place that I can't reach

The beast is lurking underneath

I'll get down in the dirt with it

I'll wallow in the earth with it

I'll kiss it on the lips & shit...

RE: above poem:  I'm NEVER as good of a person as I wish I were, but I know that I'm definitely a lot better of a person than could be the case, & at least unlike is unfortunately the case with far too many people nowadays I'M ALWAYS STRIVING/ STRUGGLING TO IMPROVE IN THAT AREA...

(My mom took Omar to get his nails cut like I told her to do, & the HAPPY with Omar's trimmer physique vet confirmed what my mom already knew simply by looking at Omar:  I was THRILLED to find out that because of the regular walks my mom's been taking Omar on every day since I've been gone combined with the slight decrease in Omar's daily food intake that began even before I left on my "vacation" Omar's down from his all time high of slightly more than 22 pounds to a "lean n mean" 19.6 pounds.  As for me-the "goal" I've set for myself is for me to be down from my all time high of 232 pounds to a "lean n mean" 150 pounds by the time I return back home to Ma in about 6 weeks or so...)

***Since I knew that I would be eating healthy & likely feeling quite "deprived" while I was living in my ex boyfriend's home for a couple of months (that THANKFULLY will ultimately wind up being 3 months) I foolishly PIGGED OUT right before I was set to leave for my long vacation/retreat in the home of my ex boyfriend who has been my very good FRIEND (& yes that is ALL that this beautiful "soul" & I are to one another-REALLY GOOD, 100% PLATONIC, FRIENDS) for going on 19 years now.  As an unfortunate & utterly DESERVED consequence of me "pigging out" for a few days prior to my departure date of Aug 29, 2013 I gained 4-5 pounds in a few days & weighed approximately (since my mom's Curves brand digital scale was always fairly accurate but not always quite as consistently precise as my Eat Smart, digital scale has been since I first weighed myself on it several weeks ago) 168.8 pounds.

This morning when I woke up, pissed, stripped naked, & weighed myself TEN TIMES IN A ROW (yea, I'm ADMITTEDLY anal, Folks, but it was only via my continuous, daily, HARD WORK & DISCIPLINE that I managed to SLOWLY drop & then keep off for over a year SEVENTY TWO POUNDS-give or take-of UNWANTED BY ME EXTRA FLAB THAT HAD BEEN WEIGHING MY BODY DOWN FOR TOO MANY MOSTLY WASTED YEARS OF MY LIFE) on my EXTREMELY ACCURATE, "made in the U.S.A" (not in China), Eat Smart, digital scale I weighed 156.2 pounds:  I weighed 168.8 pounds on 8/29/13=I've gradually lost approximately 12 pounds during my 7 weeks of HEALTHY, ORGANIC, NON GMO, eating (that included my PERSONAL CHOICE to not eat any DISGUSTING TO ME, "FACTORY FARMED", meat whatsoever, but to still eat dairy & eggs) that I hope/pray I'll be able to keep up once I return back home to my mom & the 2, spoiled brat, "babies" in approximately 5 weeks time... (: 

I pretty much know that my Eat Smart digital scale is 100% accurate, Folks=Besides the fact that this morning when I stripped down completely naked & stepped on my scale 10 times in a row I weighed 156.2 pounds all ten times that I stepped on my scale, the mirror itself doesn't lie!  I'm down approximately 12 pounds from what I weighed the day I arrived here in ____ state (that UNFORTUNATELY has weather similar to Ma weather), & simply via looking at my naked body in the mirror I CAN TELL how much weight I've lost!

(Coming RELATIVELY soon for your "viewing pleasure":  BRAND NEW BIKINI PICTURES of me SMILING in my WARM bedroom & showing off my leaner, sexier in my eyes, body while I'm busy inwardly CURSING the cold, miserable, weather that will more than likely be taking place outside the warmth & safety of my 4 bedroom walls...)

Part of the reason I continue to manage to remain svelte (ie thin & hot) is simply because things like what happened to me yesterday continue to EXCITE ME**: I tried on a pair of INC curvy, boot cut, long (designed to fit tall women like me) jeans in my normal size 12, & because the jeans seemed slightly too big for me, & because I relatively recently learned that jeans should actually feel a bit snug when you first try them on in the store I decided FOR THE HELL OF IT to try on the same pair of jeans in size 10:  I actually fit COMFORTABLY into INC brand (found only at Macy's) SIZE TEN, curvy style (designed specifically for women like me who have small waists, large hips, & rounded asses), long, boot cut, jeans so since the jeans were sale priced at 20% off of $65.90, AND since I also had a coupon good for an additional 20% off my purchase I bought a pair of these VERY FLATTERING ON ME FROM BEHIND (according to my musician ex who wholeheartedly gave my purchase an enthusiastic thumbs up) jeans in faded blue jean color & in black!

DID YA CATCH THE SIZE TEN PART, GUYS?  Now it's a given that women's clothing sizes do vary significantly depending on what brand of clothing you are purchasing, but that's not the point?  The point is that the sizes of women's clothing have varied from manufacturer to manufacturer for ages, & back when I weighed 232 pounds I WAS IN A SIZE 16/18=I'm beyond thrilled to fit COMFORTABLY* into any size 10 jeans despite my realization that in most brands of jeans/pants I would actually wear a size 12!

*I'm not like "most women"=I TRULY CAN'T STAND TO WEAR ANYTHING TIGHT AROUND MY CROTCH AREA, & anybody half way intelligent knows that it's not good for women to wear obscenely tight pants, anyway (even though MOST WOMEN STILL DO IT-ESPECIALLY WHEN IT COMES TO JEANS THAT APPARENTLY EVEN MORBIDLY OBESE WOMEN FEEL SHOULD FIT THEM LIKE A SECOND SKIN)?

**I am fully cognizant of the UNDENIABLE & UNAVOIDABLE fact that my weight loss battle will be a LIFETIME BATTLE for me:  If you manage to lose a lot of weight by "dieting" (or via whatever means you manage to lose a lot of weight), & then once you have lost all the weight you wanted to lose you CHOOSE to regress back into the same UNHEALTHY lifestyle that caused you to gain so much weight in the first place then you are a FOOL if you think that all that weight you struggled so hard to lose won't EVENTUALLY return with a vengeance!  You have to CARE about being at a healthy weight for your body, & if you are like me you simply have to WANT IT BADLY-You have to consistently keep that INNER FIRE-that DESIRE TO BE THIN burning within you-You have to want to keep your new & improved (thin & sexy) physique badly enough for you to be willing to put in the effort you will have to put in ON A DAILY BASIS if you wish to have any chance in hell of NOT GAINING BACK ALL THE WEIGHT (& possibly gaining back even more) YOU STRUGGLED SO HARD (& in my case FOR YEARS) TO LOSE.  (It ain't "Rocket Science", baby, but you would be surprised by just how many folks of both genders are unable to grasp this basic concept.)

I weighed 156.6 pounds this morning!  My brilliant, kind, beyond creatively gifted, musician ex (who UNLIKE 99.9 % of the men who have responded to my online "Dating Website" ads & have miraculously SPARKED MY INTEREST ENOUGH TO EARN A RESPONSE BACK FROM ME over the past several months ALWAYS talks to me like I'm a real live human being rather than nothing but a sex object put on this earth for the sake of male pleasure***, GENUINELY respects my mind, & instinctively realizes that my admitted myriad of "problems" NEVER preclude me from being extremely intelligent, deep, & aware of what is going on in the world around me) is letting me stay here with him until the end of November, & I am BEYOND GRATEFUL for his continued KINDNESS & GENEROSITY towards me.  It's strictly platonic between him & me (or is the correct phrasing he & I asks the former English Major who should know the answer but sadly does not)?  Anyway, it's strictly platonic between me & this man-this beautiful, honest, kind, "soul" I have known & loved for nearly 20 years now.  I only just found out that I am not now & had never been his physical "type", anyway*.  Apparently he is and has always been physically attracted to the thin, toned, small breasted, type of woman that I with my bodacious tits, hips, & ass would never morph into no matter how much weight I lost, but the great thing is that I KNOW FOR A FACT that millions of men out there on this vast planet would take my voluptuous "hour glass" figure over all other types of female figures any day of the week!  (LOL)

*But like my extremely intelligent, creatively gifted, musician ex WISELY pointed out to me when I softly asked him why he had ever been interested in me in the first place when I clearly had possessed the EXACT opposite type of body from the type of female body he had always been physically attracted to, "You LOVE a person-not that person's body type".  He also stated a true fact of life when he mentioned to me how he could easily meet a woman who was his physical "ideal" in every way imaginable yet not get along with his supposedly "ideal" woman at all & ultimately be absolutely MISERABLE in her presence...  (LOL)

***When you've only just learned my REAL FIRST NAME, & you & I have only been corresponding back & forth for a measly few days do you "REALLY" need to know such DEEPLY PERSONAL things about me like whether or not I "swallow"?  The most pathetic, sad, thing is that even those .01% of men who respond to my various online dating profiles, who are 1/2 way pleasing to my eye, & who actually display enough depth/intelligence to spark my interest in at least some small way have mostly ALL still ultimately PROVEN to me that this "Dating Website" stuff is MOSTLY total, fking, BS.  Along with the "Do you swallow" guy (whom I had really liked at first) my "favorite" has to be the out of state guy who informed me that he traveled to Ma from time to time:  This guy sincerely believed that he could get around my UNWAVERING DECISION to NEVER AGAIN FK any guy whom I have only just met by meeting me for breakfast (date #1), & then meeting me later that same day (date #2).  What he wrote to me more or less went something like this:  "That way you'll get to uphold your promise to yourself & I'll get what I want which is to fk your brains out".  When his utterly ASININE argument fell on deaf ears, & I practically laughed in his face (in an online manner, of course) well let's just say for the sake of simplicity:  "Another One Bites the Dust"!  (LOL)

***I'm neither Submissive nor Dominant, but I LIVE TO RECEIVE MASSAGES, & I found out a few months ago (via a 31 year old, hottie Switch I met off of this site) that I also really enjoy having my feet & toes rubbed, licked, & sucked on=I know I ain't likely to receive that kind of non selfish attention & BODY WORSHIPING from a strictly Dominant fella!!!!!  (LOL)

***This morning when I got up, peed, stripped down, & stepped on my awesome & highly accurate, Stainless Steele/glass "made in the USA" (not in China) digital scale that I ordered online right away (immediately after I arrived here in my ex's home where I have been staying/HEALING/LEARNING/GROWING for the past 6 weeks) because I simply can't go too long without being able to weigh myself, & my ex who eats only Organic/non GMO foods, & exercises on a daily basis neither owns, cares to own, nor needs to own any type of scale I WEIGHED 158.8 lbs. (Last week I got down to 157 pounds for exactly one day-the day after one of my water/juice fasts!  LOL)

I'm FASTING all day today (something that I have pretty much been doing once a week for several months now) on mostly water with a bit of juice thrown in for "good measure"...

My weight has been holding steady at under 160 lbs for the past 5 weeks.  (I weighed 168.8 lbs when I arrived at my musician ex's on 9/29/13, weighed about 160 pounds 1 1/2 weeks later, & have pretty much been keeping my weight at 1-3 lbs under 160 pounds ever since then.)

(My weight has definitely fluctuated a few pounds here & there since the Summer of 2012 when I was THRILLED to be down to 164 pounds-68 pounds down from my all time high weight of 232 pounds, but the bottom line is that FOR OVER A YEAR NOW I have CONSISTENTLY managed to keep my weight at under 170 pounds=I have maintained a 63-74 pound weight loss:  I was OBESE & UNHAPPY ABOUT IT FOR A VERY LONG TIME, & I intend to do everything in my power to NEVER, EVER, EVER be even remotely close to that heavy again!)

I believe that I posted this original poem of mine out here several months ago when I first opened up a collarme account:

LOVE IS NOTHING

Love is nothing
Give me pleasure instead
I'm tired of letting
Love get inside of my head

I'm tired of knowing
What I've always known
Something inside me
Means I'll wind up alone

Love is nothing
When I can drown out the pain
Lift up my spirits
& keep myself sane

It's not worth the trouble
Of living in fear
Give in to the feeling
Then watch it disappear

Love is nothing
But an elusive thought
Can I ever grab it
Maybe-maybe not

Filled up with envy
Maybe some grief
Want what others have
However brief

The feelings don't last
Smothered by hurt
Build up some trust
Then get thrown in the dirt

Dust myself off
& start to sing
Just FUCK IT ALL
Love is nothing...

By L.A.P.  Oct 31, 2008 (written a mere FOUR DAYS prior to when my 7 year 8 month, live in, FARCE of a relationship with a JERK who DID NOT DESERVE ME ended badly)...

I have found that many of these CLUELESS "Dating Website" men think that the size of their junk (that they are ALWAYS so AMUSINGLY desperate to immediately display for my long distance "approval" ), & their ability to give a woman an ORGASM will automatically be a huge "selling point" with ANY women, but I can EASILY GIVE MYSELF AN ORGASM whenever I want to, & so long as a man doesn't have like a 2 inch penis or something ridiculous like that SIZE DOESN'T MATTER TO ME UNLESS IT COMES IN THE FORM OF OBJECTIONABLE/REPULSIVE TO ME HUGE ROLLS OF FLAB ALL OVER A MAN'S BODY=I've been telling various "Dating Website" men I miraculously at least somewhat liked something along these lines & apparently my brutally honest, blunt, words have been turning off the men I've miraculously SOMEWHAT LIKED, but I don't give one flying FK that I've TURNED OFF men whom I know I likely wouldn't have liked much if at all in the long run, anyway=I want/DESIRE to be wooed, seduced, teased, etc by a man whom I KNOW FOR A FACT likes me for more than my sexy looks/body (ie APPRECIATES/RESPECTS me for my keenly intelligent, deep, & aware, MIND), but who is also definitely beyond helplessly physically excited by my sexy looks/body.  Is this "really" so much for me to ask for or expect when I'm neither wanting nor "expecting" any man to take care of me, be my "Sugar Daddy", or put a ring on my finger?

"L"

I CHANGE my various profile descriptions often, but posted below is the type of stuff that I write in the profile descriptions that I post out on VANILLA "Dating Websites":

Now that I have more or less been "reborn" who out there in this "big, bad, world" wants to show me what I've been missing out on for too many years? (LOL)

(FOR THE RECORD:  If you do not have a profile picture of YOU posted or live more than 100 miles away from me (pretty much if you live outside of Ma) you are WASTING YOUR TIME contacting me-END OF STORY!)

I am NOT looking for a "Sugar Daddy", "Casual Encounter", OR "SERIOUS BOYFRIEND" (need to STRESS that last part considering how many men who most definitely ARE looking for a "steady girlfriend" or "serious relationship", or their "one true love" contact me all the time via these types of sites). What I am more or less "looking for" (since I HONESTLY don't even really know for sure) is to simply "dip my feet in the water again" & "experience" different types of men who HOPEFULLY will dramatically differ from the man with whom I spent 11 years of my life. What I am "looking for" is a FRIEND (must STRESS that part) who NATURALLY does "certain things" that cause me to WANT to be MORE THAN FRIENDS with him (if ya catch my drift)? So many of you men write to me & call me gorgeous, sexy, etc, & yea your words are BEYOND FLATTERING to me (ie your KIND, COMPLIMENTARY, words make me feel all tingly inside), but in the end there has to be MORE (a lot MORE), & I have to truly feel/TRULY BELIEVE that you LIKE ME FOR ME & not just for what you perceive me to be based on my outward appearance that it literally took me YEARS of hard work, discipline, & sheer FORCE OF WILL to turn back into what it was 12+ years ago before I literally LOST MY ENTIRE SELF in something that had I been older & wiser I NEVER would have gotten myself involved in to begin with...

You've been robbed, you've been used
You've been crucified and abused
You've been sacrificed and now you're confused
Ain't that the truth? Yeah, yeah

You've got a hole in your head
And it's a cold empty spot in your big brass bed

When you're mad at the world
And you feeling like you're losing control
All you need to get by is a little bit of soul
Bon Jovi - Little Bit Of Soul Lyrics

BEFORE you CHOOSE to contact me in the first place you men out there NEED to know a few very important things about me-I lived with the same man for 11 years (2001-2012). I'm ADMITTEDLY completely "out of practice" & SCARED when it comes to this whole "dating thing", & last but certainly not least I have miraculously (considering the FACT that I did so while I was in my forties) managed to drop the 72 pounds that I had unfortunately gradually gained during the aforementioned LONG TERM relationship=I was THIN when I moved in with the guy-FAT when he & I broke up in 2008, & now as the end result of YEARS of HARD WORK & DISCIPLINE (ie blood, sweat, & tears) on my part I am THANKFULLY thin again (& have been so since the Summer of 2012), & have VOWED TO MYSELF that I will never, ever, ever, regress back into the woman I SADLY was for far too many WASTED years of my life...

Are the above words too honest for ya, well that's just too darn bad because I'm done with the BS, & there are some major things about me that any man who may be interested in getting to know me better because he thinks I'm "pretty", "sexy", or whatnot needs to know BEFORE HE CHOOSES TO CONTACT ME=It's only FAIR that you know UPFRONT (since if I liked you enough to write back to you I would have no choice but to tell you these things right away, anyway) certain "bad things" about me (such as that I'm not currently working at any kind of "regular job" but am fortunately able to hold my own financially & AM DEFINITELY NOT LOOKING FOR ANY OF YOU MEN TO TAKE CARE OF ME, do not drive, & live with my senior citizen mother whom I am helping out in a myriad of important ways that include financial help) so that you can decide for yourself whether or not you feel that the number of really good things about me (such as that I'm pretty/beautiful to some, smart in ways that don't revolve around the mundane "high IQ" criteria, & creatively gifted) outweigh or compensate for the undeniably "bad things" about me, & the thing you guys need to always remember or keep in the back of your mind is that my present life circumstances that certainly are far from being ideal could change for the better in a heartbeat, and my basic sweet, sensual, kind, honest, loyal, sensitive, warm, loving, silly, personality & nice, little, "extras" (brains, beauty, & talent) that were bestowed upon me at birth are pretty much permanent aspects of my existence...

P.S. I'm an unconventional, non religious but "spiritual" in my own way, free spirited, keenly intelligent, deep, & aware of more things than I WISH I were aware of in this life, woman/child who is what you might POLITELY refer to as a "Political ATHEIST (ie PLEASE don't try to involve me in deep discussions in regards to that who's better than who SHT=I listen to so & so, always read between the lines when it comes to EVERYTHING in this existence, KNOW/intuitively realize MORE than I will ever let on unless I TRUST YOU completely, & to me it's simply all ______). I am not in any way, shape, or form your "normal", "normative", or "average" girl, guys, & I am also admittedly & without question ALWAYS much happier when I am in shorts & sneakers (especially when I'm out POWER WALKING for many miles while my favorite Alternative/Classic rock songs are BLASTING in my ears) rather than in business suits or evening gowns & high heels (although I definitely have that "other" side to me that absolutely LOVES to dress very sexy, get all dolled up, look as BEAUTIFUL as I can, & make you men DROOL... LOL):

***I of course innately/instinctively realize that I'm only gonna truly appeal to a certain type of guy, but it goes both ways, baby, because while I am ADMITTEDLY lonely, "starting over"-starting from scratch in the state I was born & raised in & only moved back to a little over a year ago, & ACHING to be touched-ACHING to experience various types of intimacy (THAT IN ORDER TO TRULY SATISFY ME MUST INCLUDE DEEP CONVERSATIONS ABOUT ALL THE FRIGHTENING, NON TRIVIAL, THINGS TAKING PLACE IN OUR WORLD ON A DAILY BASIS) with a man again-I'm still not gonna EVER AGAIN "settle" for less than what I want in a FRIEND, LOVER, etc: I'd HONESTLY rather be ALONE...

I wish to be with a man who is not SELFISH (either in or outside of the bedroom).  I wish to be with a man who CAN'T CONTROL HIMSELF around me-who can't keep his hands off of me-a man who knows exactly how to make his woman feel beautiful & desirable ALL THE TIME (not just when he wants to FK her)!  I'm restless, BORED, & LONELY, & I want/NEED to simply feel DESIRED by a guy with whom I can have lots, & lots, & lots of FUN (& not just under the sheets or behind closed doors)... I LOVE to LAUGH, so if you know how to make me laugh (even if simply via you unexpectedly TICKLING me) you will earn "bonus points".  I also LOVE to touch & be touched in ways that aren't necessarily sexual, so if you are the type of guy who likes to touch, & be touched, enjoys G (maybe pg) RATED PDAS, & knows how to give a really good massage you will also earn "bonus points"......  (LOL)

BTW: ***I'm not interested in men who live too far away from me:   If you do not live in MA or RI you are wasting your time writing to me=I have nether the time nor the inclination to "chat" with men whom there is no chance in He__ I'm ever gonna be able to meet in "Real Life".  I also RARELY if ever respond to any man who for whatever reason doesn't post a CLEAR face/body picture of himself & doesn't list his TRUE height in his profile description:  I absolutely HATE it when you men ON ANY "dating website" do not completely fill out your stats & do not post profile pictures of YOU=Makes me "wonder" what it is EXACTLY that you are trying to HIDE?  Nearly ALL my pics (including the PRIVATE bikini pics, since I NEVER post/send NUDE pics of myself) were taken w/in the past year!  ALSO, I can't stand cigarette smoke & am practically allergic to it, so if you smoke cigarettes then PLEASE don't waste either my time or yours & write to me:  I HONESTLY wouldn't give the time of day to even "the man of my dreams" if I noticed a cigarette in said man's hands.  (I would walk away.)

*I probably think about sex as often as most men do, but I have a little thing called SELF CONTROL & DISCIPLINE that far too many human beings lack in abundance.  I busted my ass FOR YEARS to get back in shape & pretty much get back the body I had 12 years ago after my having gained a total of 72 pounds by the time my last so called relationship had finally (THANKFULLY) ended for good.  I don't smoke cigarettes (never have except for taking an occasional puff or two off of a friend's cigarette back when I was attending college & was out drinking at a bar or party).  I eat healthy for the most part.  I exercise regularly, & I temporarily quit drinking completely=I'm "picky" & "selective" because I can be due to the simple fact that I'm 100% used to "going without".  I know what I want, & I'm done settling for less:  I'd HONESTLY rather be alone, & (believe me) TOO MUCH of the sex I had when I was younger WAS WORSE THAN HAVING NO SEX AT ALL!!!!  ***f you have actually MIRACULOUSLY read this far-There's ALWAYS chocolate, porn, obscenely loud music, & intense EXERCISE to help me calm down my "inner demons" while I'm busy waiting not for "Mr Right", but definitely for "Mr WHAT I WANT RIGHT NOW"...  LOL

Now that I have more or less been "reborn" who out there in this "big, bad, world" wants to show me what I've been missing out on for too many years? (The REAL question is should I list myself as "starving artist" or "free thinker" since BOTH terms equally apply?)

I'm NOT looking for a "Sugar Daddy", "Casual Encounter", OR "SERIOUS BOYFRIEND" (need to STRESS that last part considering how many men who most definitely are looking for a "steady girlfriend"/"serious relationship"/their "one true love" contact me all the time via these types of sites). What I am more or less "looking for" (since I don't really know for sure) is to simply "dip my feet in the water again" & "experience" different types of men who HOPEFULLY will dramatically differ from the man with whom I spent 11 years of my life. What I am "looking for" is a FRIEND (must STRESS that part) who NATURALLY does "certain things" that cause me to WANT to be MORE THAN FRIENDS with him (if ya catch my drift)? So many of you men write to me & call me gorgeous, sexy, etc, & yea your words are BEYOND FLATTERING to me (ie your KIND, COMPLIMENTARY, words make me feel all tingly inside), but in the end there has to be MORE (a lot MORE), & I have to truly feel/believe that you LIKE ME FOR ME & not just for what you perceive me to be based on my outward appearance that it literally took me YEARS of hard work, discipline, & sheer FORCE OF WILL to turn back into what it was 12+ years ago before I literally LOST MY ENTIRE SELF in something that had I been older & wiser I never would have gotten myself involved in to begin with...

RE: New "ambitious" field=I USED TO BE OBSCENELY AMBITIOUS when I was in my mid 20's-early 30's & had a body women would practically "kill" to have & men would practically "kill" to possess, but I'm 45 years old now, & over the past 13 years I've literally been through HE__ and back, so suffice to say I am WISELY not even remotely as "ambitious" nowadays as I was a "lifetime" ago when I spent virtually my every waking moment with "stars in my eyes"...

You may be right
I may be crazy
But it just may be a lunatic you're looking for
Turn out the light
Don't try to save me
You may be wrong for all I know
But you may be right... (Billy Joel lyrics)

Before you CHOOSE to contact me you men out there need to know a few very important things about me: I lived with the same man from 3/6/01-3/7/12. I'm admittedly completely "out of practice" & SCARED when it comes to this whole "dating thing", & last but certainly not least I have miraculously (considering the fact that I did so while I was in my forties) managed to drop the 72 pounds that I had unfortunately gradually gained during the aforementioned long term relationship=I was THIN when I moved in with the guy-FAT when he & I "technically" broke up on 11/4/08, & now as the end result of YEARS of HARD WORK & DISCIPLINE (blood, sweat, & tears) on my part I am THANKFULLY thin again & have VOWED TO MYSELF that I will never, ever, ever, regress back into the woman I SADLY was for far too many WASTED years of my life...

Are the above words too honest for ya, well that's just too darn bad because I'm done with the BS, & there are some major things about me that any man who may be interested in getting to know me better because he thinks I'm "pretty", "sexy", etc needs to know BEFORE HE CHOOSES TO CONTACT ME=It's only fair that you know upfront (since if I liked you enough to write back to you I would have no choice but to tell you these things right away, anyway) certain "bad things" about me (such as that I'm not currently working at any kind of "regular job" but am fortunately able to hold my own financially & AM DEFINITELY NOT LOOKING FOR ANY OF YOU MEN TO TAKE CARE OF ME, & that I do not intend to ever drive a car again), so that you can decide for yourself whether or not you feel that the number of really good things about me (such as that I'm pretty/beautiful to some, smart in ways that don't revolve around the mundane "high IQ" criteria, & creatively gifted) outweigh/compensate for the undeniably "bad things" about me: The thing you guys should always try to keep in the back of your mind is that my present life circumstances that certainly are far from being ideal could change for the better in a heartbeat & my basic sweet, sensual, kind, honest, loyal, sensitive, warm, loving, silly, personality & nice, little, "extras" (brains, beauty, & talent) that were bestowed upon me at birth are pretty much permanent aspects of my existence...

P.S. I'm an unconventional, non religious but "spiritual" in my own way, free spirited, keenly intelligent, deep, & aware of more things than I WISH I were aware of in this life woman/child who is what you might POLITELY refer to as a "Political ATHEIST (ie PLEASE don't try to involve me in deep discussions in regards to that who's better than who SHT=I listen to so & so, always read between the lines when it comes to EVERYTHING in this existence, & KNOW/intuitively realize more than I will ever let on unless I come to TRUST YOU completely). I'm not at all "into" ultra conservative people. I'm not in any way, shape, or form your "normal", "normative", or "average" girl, & I'm also ALWAYS much happier when I'm in shorts/sneakers (especially when I'm out POWER WALKING for miles while my favorite Alternative/Classic rock songs are BLASTING in my ears) rather than in business suits or evening gowns/high heels (although I definitely have that "other" side to me that absolutely LOVES to dress very sexy, get all dolled up, look as BEAUTIFUL as I can, & make you men DROOL...)

**I of course innately/instinctively realize that I'm only gonna truly appeal to a certain type of guy, but it goes both ways, baby, because while I am ADMITTEDLY lonely, "starting over"-starting from scratch in the state I was born & raised in & moved back to on 4/26/12, & ACHING to be touched-ACHING to experience various types of intimacy (THAT IN ORDER TO TRULY SATISFY ME MUST INCLUDE DEEP CONVERSATIONS ABOUT ALL THE FRIGHTENING, NON TRIVIAL, THINGS TAKING PLACE IN OUR WORLD ON A DAILY BASIS) with a man again-I'm still not gonna EVER AGAIN "settle" for less than what I want in a FRIEND, LOVER, etc: I'd HONESTLY rather be ALONE...

You've been robbed, you've been used
You've been crucified and abused
You've been sacrificed and now you're confused
Ain't that the truth? Yeah, yeah (Bon Jovi Lyrics)

***On 2/8/14 Omar & I moved out of my mother's home & "sight unseen" into the home of a complete stranger: My new MALE roommate is a SAINT, but I can't shake this NAGGING fear that my new roommate's possessive "attention hound" WHO REALLY LIKES ME & who despite his delusional belief to the contrary ISN'T EVEN REMOTELY A LAP DOG might suddenly decide that 2 dogs is one too many & permanently remove my little Omar from the equation...

I CHANGE my various profile descriptions often, but posted below is the type of stuff that I write in the profile descriptions that I post out on VANILLA "Dating Websites":

 
"You should never judge a book by it's cover or who you're gonna love by your lover" (Aerosmith):  I look like I should have a lot of confidence, but for a myriad of extremely valid reasons, I don't have much REAL confidence (FAKE confidence is another matter all together).  However, my admitted lack of REAL confidence definitely doesn't mean that I have any desire whatsoever to be with, date, or even ____ a JERK who will take advantage of my lack of confidence (or whatever else you want to refer to it as).  I write.  I love.  I hate.  I want. I NEED.  I FEAR.  I ACHE.  I yearn.  I "DESIRE", but mostly, I write, & write, & write...  ***I know much more than I wish I knew about "many things" & know not nearly enough about many "other things".  I'm a college honors graduate with a BA in English (for what that's worth), & (again, for what it's worth), I'm often called "Pretty" (sometimes even called BEAUTIFUL).  I was a liberal arts major whose minor was Philosophy, & NO-I DID NOT WANT TO BE A TEACHER-I just LOVED to LEARN-I just LOVED to enter into the minds of all the GREAT "writers & thinkers" of our existence, & suffice to say, I've NEVER cared too much about money...  (Did you guys ever hear the JOKE that goes something like, "Hi, I have a liberal arts degree-would you like fries with your order"?)  LOL  Smart & pretty & "occasionally" witty-Sugar & Spice-NAUGHTY & NICE-Before you contact me, ya better think twice (or 3x or 4x or 5x)....  Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha  (I'm quite certain that MOST of you men who are reading this are thinking, "this chick should have thrown CRAZY into the mix", but the thing is that I really don't take any of these dating websites at all seriously, so SERIOUSLY, who cares what you think of me?)  

P.S. Deep down, I'm just a BIG (nearly 6 foot tall BIG) KID who used to absolutely LOVE to dance & whose favorite music is still alternative rock & classic rock, & although, IN MY LIFETIME, I have seen too many FANTASTIC, thought provoking, "stimulating" (intellectually or otherwise) movies for me to ever possibly pick my all time favorite movie, the movie "Love & Other Drugs" (that I watched on DVD awhile back) was definitely one of the best relatively recent movies I had seen in a long, long, time...  

***I'm HONESTLY 5'9 1/2 in bare feet, & HONESTLY 165 pounds=My "body type" is actually a fairly thin, well proportioned, toned, & voluptuous "hour glass" (but "that" wasn't one of the "above choices")...   Appearances do matter.  Unless you are involved with a person purely on a FRIENDSHIP BASIS (& even then there can "sometimes" be "problems" when a certain person just doesn't "get" what "JUST FRIENDS" means) it matters whether or not you are physically attracted to that person, and ANY person who believes otherwise is either a saint or a fool.  (I'm NEITHER one.)   My photos were taken on & after 1/19/13=No LIES-No uploading flattering photos from a "million" years ago like "some" DISHONEST FOLKS have been prone to do on these "dating websites", or out on Craig's List, or in personal ads...  (I think you guys get the idea, although I also know from experience that most of the men who respond to things like this don't even bother to read my profile-read the words I wrote=They just think I'm "pretty", & I pretty much  INSTANTANEOUSLY discover that I have nothing in common with any of them.)

I CHANGE my various profile descriptions often, but posted below is the type of stuff that I write in the profile descriptions that I post out on VANILLA "Dating Websites":

 
Did you guys know that pugs are one of the most NEEDIEST dogs on the planet? (I can kind of relate, but whereas Omar doesn't care AT ALL about how NEEDY he is, I fully realize that any person being that NEEDY is probably not such a good thing?  LOL)  So, Omar has decided to plop himself down right by my feet while I am in the process of updating my X profile in order to HOPEFULLY make it even more personable, & here we go...  In no particular order, here are a bunch of random things about me:  I am and have always been an unconventional "free spirit" & "free thinker".  As I'm fond of saying to anybody who wants to listen, "I live to write & writing is what keeps me alive"...  Since I've fortunately always possessed the ability to communicate my thoughts & feelings in a very thorough & succinct manner, I'm quite intellectually capable of conversing passionately on a variety of subjects, but do kind of feel that it's best to steer clear of discussions involving politics & religion with a person you just met because getting too deep into discussions revolving around these "hot topics" with a person you just met can completely turn you off to somebody you might otherwise really like & enjoy being with...  ***I wish that I did any or all of the following, but sadly I do not write music, play any type of instrument, or sing very well (although I've still always LOVED to sing for my own pleasure).     I've been writing songs & poems since I was in grade school, & (for obvious reasons), I have always thought it would be "cool" for me to learn how to play the guitar, & now I actually think that I might buy a guitar sometime soon & look into taking guitar lessons?  I also might look into taking some grammar classes because while I did get A's & B's in all my literature/writing classes when I was in High School & College, grammar has never been my "strong suit", & since (as I already mentioned) "I LIVE TO WRITE & WRITING is what KEEPS ME ALIVE", I would naturally like to become more proficient in that area since I do write essay type stuff all the time, even though I don't actually make any real money doing it.  LOL   (I type with only one finger, believe it or not, but according to a guy who sat next to me one time at the library when I was deep in thought & barely aware of my surroundings, I "apparently" type exceptionally fast for a "one finger typist"...)

I'm back here in Ma (where I was born & raised for most of my childhood) & "starting over".  (From April of 2001- April of 2012, I was living in Los Angeles where I had tried very hard to become "famous", but it obviously didn't work out.  LOL)  Seriously though, I went from one long term, live in, relationship straight into another long term, live in, relationship w/out much "down time" in between the two=I'm admittedly a "fish out of water" when it comes to all the "subtle nuances" of this whole dating thing, & what I want or expect to get out of it is really rather basic:  I simply wish to try new things & "experience" (step inside of) all different types of men.  I HONESTLY don't care at all about things like how much money you have, what you do for a living, what kind of car you drive (or even if you have a car at all) etc, so long as you are OK with these types of things about yourself, & you like me for me, want to be with me, & make me feel good being with you.  I know I'm not every guy's "cup of tea", & that's OK, because I wouldn't expect to be every guy's "cup of tea", & most men are not my "cup of tea", either.  (I might not know exactly what I want in a guy, but I kind of know what I don't want, & I guess I'll just have to figure out the rest as I go along...)

I CHANGE my various profile descriptions often, but posted below is the type of stuff that I write in the profile descriptions that I post out on VANILLA "Dating Websites":

 
You can have my isolation;
you can have the hate that it brings
You can have my absence of faith;
you can have my everything...

OR

Well, you may be right
I may be crazy
Hey!
But it just might be a lunatic you're looking for
Turn out the light
Don't try to save me
Well you may be wrong for all I know
But you may be right... (Take your pick?) LOL (:

I believe ABOVE ALL ELSE in being honest, & since I have come to realize that most of you men who are contacting me are not bothering to read much if any of my LONG PROFILE description, I've decided to put the most important stuff right at the beginning: I HONESTLY do not have any expectations or any "hidden agendas" when it comes to this "Dating Website" experience that I have chosen to very tentatively get involved in: I finally managed to ESCAPE from something that wasn't very good (to say the least), & now I'm simply starting over-starting from scratch (if you will), so if you are looking for some accomplished, ultra confident, sophisticated, woman, then I'm definitely not the woman for you. If you are looking for LONG TERM & to "start a family", then I am definitely not the woman for you, & if you are the ULTRA RELIGIOUS and/or ULTRA CONSERVATIVE type, then I am definitely not the woman for you. Now that we have gotten that out of the way, here's the deal guys: Along with billions of other human beings, I'm HERE-Here on this planet, & I feel that for the sake of my own health & well being (as well as for the sake of my desire to experience that special type of "Fun" that I can't have with my friends), it's very important that I start VERY CASUALLY dating again... Even you MAJORITY of men who don't "bother" to read my LONG PROFILE (& who can blame you, really) should at least be paying attention to the multiple choice stuff at the very top=I'm NOT looking for anything SERIOUS, & I DO NOT WANT KIDS!!!!!

OK here comes the "fun" part (sarcasm 100% intended): I look like I should have a lot of confidence, but for a myriad of extremely valid reasons, I ADMITTEDLY don't have much REAL confidence (FAKE confidence is another matter entirely.) However, my admitted lack of "REAL" confidence definitely doesn't mean that I have any desire whatsoever to be with, date, or even ____ a JERK who will take advantage of my lack of confidence (or whatever else you want to refer to it as). I write. I love. I hate. I want. I NEED. I FEAR. I ACHE. I yearn. I "DESIRE", but mostly, I write, & write, & write... ***I know much more than I wish I knew about "many things" & know not nearly enough about many "other things". I'm a college honors graduate with a BA in English (for what that's worth), & (again, for what it's worth), I'm often called "Pretty" (sometimes even called BEAUTIFUL). Yes, guys, I "foolishly" (according to many people) majored in English & minored in Philosophy, & NO-I DID NOT WANT TO BE A TEACHER-I just LOVED to LEARN-LOVED to enter into the minds of all the GREAT "writers & thinkers" of our existence. (My poetry teacher actually strongly encouraged me to change my major to poetry writing, but I FIRMLY felt that via my intensely studying the literary works of all the great writers/thinkers of our time, I would ultimately vastly improve upon my own creative writing skills that had started blossoming when I was only a wee lass of 9 years old, & that had only gotten stronger as each year had passed...) I guess it's almost needless to say that I've NEVER cared too much about money? (Did you guys ever hear the joke that goes something like, "I have a liberal arts degree-would you like fries with that"?) LOL Smart & pretty & "occasionally" witty-Sugar & Spice-NAUGHTY & NICE-Before you contact me, ya better think twice (or 3x or 4x or 5x).... Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha (I'm quite certain that MOST of you men who are reading this are thinking, "This chick should have thrown CRAZY into the mix", but the thing is that I really don't take any of these dating websites all that seriously, so SERIOUSLY, who cares what you think of me?)

*Deep down, I'm just a BIG (nearly 6 foot tall "BIG") KID who used to (I'm not that girl, anymore, but a part of her will ALWAYS live inside of me) absolutely LOVE to dance (nightclub-not ballroom), & whose favorite music is still alternative rock & classic rock (although I do enjoy "certain songs" in nearly ALL genres of music-even RAP). I'm without question an unconventional, "Free Spirit" who LOVES TO LAUGH, LOVES to blast loud rock music in my ears (& no, I don't give a rat's ass about the likely hearing loss I'll experience down the road), & who absolutely LOVES to touch & be touched!!!! (If I truly enjoyed your company, then snuggling on the couch & watching a GOOD, non slasher type, movie with you would be "Heaven" to me.) IN MY LIFETIME, I have HONESTLY seen (mostly on DVD) too many FANTASTIC, thought provoking, "stimulating" (intellectually or otherwise) movies for me to ever, ever, ever, possibly pick my all time favorite movie, but the movie "Love & Other Drugs" (that I watched on DVD awhile back) was definitely one of the best relatively recent movies I had seen in a long, long, time...

*I'm HONESTLY 5'9 1/2 in bare feet (sorry, but just not "into" guys who are shorter than me), & HONESTLY 165 pounds=My "body type" is actually a fairly thin, well proportioned, toned, & voluptuous "hour glass" (but "that" wasn't one of the "above choices")... Appearances do matter. Unless you are involved with a person purely on a FRIENDSHIP BASIS (& even then there can "sometimes" be "problems" when a certain person just doesn't "get" what "JUST FRIENDS" means) it matters whether or not you are physically attracted to that person, and ANY person who believes otherwise is either a saint or a fool. (I'm NEITHER one.) All of my photos except for the large, close up, face shot (that is from a few years ago) were taken w/in the last year=No LIES-No uploading flattering photos from a "million" years ago like "some" DISHONEST FOLKS have been prone to do on these "dating websites", or out on Craig's List, or in personal ads... (I think you guys get the idea, although I also know from experience that most of the men who respond to things like this don't even bother to read my profile-read the words I wrote=They just think I'm "pretty", & I pretty much INSTANTANEOUSLY discover that I have nothing in common with any of them.)

I CHANGE my various profile descriptions often, but posted below is the type of stuff that I write in the profile descriptions that I post out on VANILLA "Dating Websites":

You can have my isolation;

you can have the hate that it brings

You can have my absence of faith;

you can have my everything... (NIN)

OR

Will you cater to every fantasy I've got?

Will ya hose me down with holy water - if I get too hot - ?

Will you make it all a little less cold? (mix & matched lyrics from Meatloaf's Anything For Love)

I believe ABOVE ALL ELSE in being honest, & since I have come to realize that most of you men who are contacting me are not bothering to read much if any of my LONG PROFILE description, I've decided to put the most important stuff right at the beginning: I HONESTLY do not have any expectations or any "hidden agendas" when it comes to this "Dating Website" experience that I have chosen to very tentatively get involved in: I finally managed to ESCAPE from something that wasn't very good (to say the least), & now I'm simply starting over-starting from scratch (if you will), so if you are looking for some accomplished, ultra confident, sophisticated, woman, then I'm definitely not the woman for you. If you are looking for LONG TERM & to "start a family", then I am definitely not the woman for you, & if you are the ULTRA RELIGIOUS and/or ULTRA CONSERVATIVE type, then I am definitely not the woman for you. Now that we have gotten that out of the way, here's the deal guys: Along with billions of other human beings, I'm HERE-Here on this planet, & I feel that for the sake of my own health & well being (as well as for the sake of my desire to experience that special type of "Fun" that I can't have with my friends), it's very important that I start VERY CASUALLY dating again... Even you MAJORITY of men who don't "bother" to read my LONG PROFILE (& who can blame you, really) should at least be paying attention to the multiple choice stuff at the very top=I'm NOT looking for anything SERIOUS, & I DO NOT WANT KIDS!!!!! (I'm ALSO not looking for a "Sugar Daddy"=I'm not rich by any means, but w/in reason, I can always afford to pay my own way, unless I just "happen" to for the first time ever in my life become involved with a man who actually has some money & who doesn't mind paying.) (LOL)

See the thing is that as long as I have enough money to get by, money means very little to me. I need a man who will shower me with affection-not gifts. I want & NEED to be with a man who is naturally inclined to be attentive to his woman's needs (both in & outside of the bedroom). I don't have a "thick skin". I cry at the drop of a hat! I'm actually an HSP, & my highly sensitive nature is not something that you'll ever be able to change about me. I write all the time. I've been writing songs, poems, & essay type stuff since I was in grade school. (I used to write stories, as well, but story writing just wasn't my "thing".) To sum me up: I LIVE to WRITE & WRITING is what keeps me alive... I love all kinds of music. Listening to certain music can lift my spirits like nothing else can. I love to laugh, so if you know how to make me laugh, you'll get "bonus points", because too much about life "in general" is just plain sad. Since I've fortunately always possessed the ability to communicate my thoughts & feelings in a very thorough manner, I'm quite intellectually capable of conversing passionately on a variety of subjects, but I do kind of feel that it's best to steer clear of discussions involving politics & religion with a person you just met because getting too deep into discussions revolving around these "hot topics" with a person you just met can completely turn you off to somebody you might otherwise really like & enjoy being with... I neither look nor act my age. I love to sing, but while my singing voice is better than many people's singing voices, my singing voice is certainly not the best. I'd LOVE to "someday" learn how to play the guitar. (I write songs yet don't play any musical instrument.) I'd also like to take a class on how to improve my written grammar skills. I might not know exactly what I want in a man, but I do have some idea of what I don't want: I HATE slasher films=I will NEVER watch that type of film with you. (There's enough HORROR going on in "real life=I neither want nor need to watch that SHT play out on film!) I can't stand cigarette smoke=I will NEVER date a man who even occasionally smokes cigarettes. Men who enjoy being mean to other people & men who are cheapskates (somebody who doesn't leave at least a 15% tip at a restaurant, for example) need not apply. Things that don't matter much to me are your finances or what you do for a living (anything of that nature). I neither look nor act my age. I love to run down the street with my dog (or yours). I love to splash in the ocean waves. I love chocolate, but I can't indulge too often if I want to keep my "girlish figure".. LOL I'm not a very good cook. I'm an unconventional "free spirit" & "free thinker". I know DARKNESS, but I try to balance my inner DARKNESS with light. I wish to be with a man who is innately KIND but not too "nice". (There's a distinct difference between the two, believe me.) I'm a college honors graduate who majored in English & minored in Philosophy, but who didn't want to be a teacher. (I actually wanted to be "famous", but that's a "story" for a later time...) LOL

In conclusion: Deep down, I'm just a BIG (nearly 6' tall "BIG") KID who used to (I'm not that girl, anymore, but a part of her will ALWAYS live inside of me) absolutely LOVE to dance (nightclub-not ballroom), & whose favorite music is still alternative rock & classic rock (although I do enjoy "certain songs" in nearly ALL genres of music-even RAP). I love to laugh! I love to blast loud rock music in my ears (& no, I don't give a rat's ass about the likely hearing loss I'll experience down the road), & I absolutely LOVE to touch & be touched!!!! (If I truly enjoyed your company, then snuggling on the couch & watching a GOOD, non slasher type, movie with you would be "Heaven" to me.) IN MY LIFETIME, I have HONESTLY seen (mostly on DVD) too many FANTASTIC, thought provoking, "stimulating" (intellectually or otherwise) movies for me to ever, ever, ever, possibly pick my all time favorite movie, but the movie "Love & Other Drugs" was definitely one of the best "newer" movies I had seen in a long, long, time...

You can have my isolation;
you can have the hate that it brings
You can have my absence of faith;
you can have my everything... (NIN)

Will you cater to every fantasy I've got?
Will ya hose me down with holy water - if I get too hot - ?
Will you make it a little less cold?  (lyrics from Meatloaf's Anything For Love)

PRELUDE:  It's been A LONG TIME for me (& that refers to "many things" LOL)… I'm HONESTLY 5'9 1/2 in bare feet & HONESTLY 168 pounds=I'm fairly thin & muscular but definitely a voluptuous "hour glass" (see current pictures for "PROOF" LOL) I have a BA in English, but I never wanted to be a teacher. (HMM-I "wonder" what this lady "REALLY" wanted to be?) I am 100% an unconventional "free spirit" & "free thinker"=I'm not in any way, shape, or form a "normal" girl.  I FINALLY "escaped" (probably shouldn't use that word, but if the shoe fits) from a long term relationship. I haven't dated in ages=I'm ADMITTEDLY 100% out of practice, but it's been TOO LONG for me, & I'm really aching to experience intimacy (of all types) with a man again, so here goes nothing… (:

NITTY GRITTY:  I believe ABOVE ALL ELSE in being honest, & since I have come to realize that most of you men who are contacting me are not bothering to read much if any of my LONG PROFILE description, I've decided to put the most important stuff right at the beginning: I HONESTLY do not have any expectations or any "hidden agendas" when it comes to this "Dating Website" experience that I have chosen to very tentatively get involved in:  I'm not even sure as to exactly what I'm looking for, but I have a pretty good idea of what I'm NOT looking for.  As for what you want in a woman:  If you are looking for some accomplished, ultra confident, sophisticated, woman then I'm definitely not the woman for you. If you are looking for LONG TERM & to "start a family" then I am definitely not the woman for you, & if you are the ULTRA RELIGIOUS and/or ULTRA CONSERVATIVE type then I am definitely not the woman for you.  Also, I am currently residing in the home of my elderly mother whom I am helping out financially & "otherwise" so if my living situation would be a "deal breaker" for you then you may as well know all about it upfront.  Now that we have gotten that out of the way, here's the deal guys:  Along with billions of other human beings, I'm HERE-Here on this planet, & I feel that for the sake of my own health & well being (as well as for the sake of my desire to EVENTUALLY experience that special type of "Fun" that I can't have with my friends), it's very important that I start VERY CASUALLY dating again...  For a myriad of EXTREMELY VALID reasons, I'm simply not ISO my "one, true, love" at this time, but I also have ZERO interest in "fooling around" with "everybody under the sun"...= You shouldn't contact me if you are only after sex or already taken, but you also SHOULD NOT CONTACT ME IF YOU ARE MARRIAGE MINDED (WHETHER OR NOT YOU ARE LOOKING TO START A FAMILY) AS THESE ARE THE TYPES OF THINGS THAT I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO INTEREST IN.  (It's better to be completely HONEST upfront, don't ya think?)

RANDOM FACTS:  A long as I have enough money to get by, money means very little to me.  I need a man who will shower me with affection-not gifts.  I want & NEED to be with a man who is naturally inclined to be attentive to his woman's needs (both in & outside of the bedroom).  Things that don't matter much to me are your finances or what you do for a living (anything of that nature).  When all is said & done, ALL that really matters to me is how you make me feel-how I feel being with you-That's it!  Now, here are some "random" tidbits about ME (so you can determine whether or not you would even want to be "hanging out" with me & making me HAPPY just to have your company & YOUR BODY...  LOL):  I LIVE to WRITE & WRITING is what keeps me alive... I HATE slasher films=I will NEVER watch that type of film with you.  I can't stand cigarette smoke=I will NEVER date a man who even occasionally smokes cigarettes.  Men who enjoy being mean to other people & men who are cheapskates need not apply.  I love to run down the street with my dog (or with yours).  I'm happiest in shorts & sneakers.  I love to splash in the ocean waves.  I'm not a very good cook.  I'm an unconventional "free spirit" & "free thinker".  I neither look nor act my age.  I love to sing FOR MY OWN PLEASURE.  (My voice isn't that bad.  LOL)  ***I know DARKNESS, but I "try" to balance my practically LIFELONG inner DARKNESS with light.  I wish to be with a man who is innately KIND but not too "nice". (There is a distinct difference between the 2.)  Since I've fortunately always possessed the ability to communicate my thoughts/feelings in a very expressive manner, I'm quite intellectually capable of conversing passionately on a variety of subjects, but I do kind of feel that it's best to steer clear of discussions involving politics/religion with a person you just met because getting too deep into discussions revolving around these "hot topics" with a person you just met can completely turn you off to somebody whom you might otherwise really like & enjoy being with... I'm insatiably curious.  I don't have a "thick skin".  I cry at the drop of a hat.  I write all the time.  I've been writing songs, poems, & essay type stuff since I was in grade school.  I'm unquestionably the eccentric, artistic, type-a woman/child whom I know would not be most guy's "cup of tea", but I don't have to be EVERY guy's "cup of tea" in order to be just ONE guy's "cup of tea"-MAYBE even yours?  (:

IN CONCLUSION:  Deep down, I'm just a BIG (nearly 6' tall ) KID who used to (I'm not that girl, anymore, but a part of her will ALWAYS live inside of me) absolutely LOVE to dance (nightclub-not ballroom), & whose favorite music is still alternative rock & classic rock.  I actually enjoy listening to "certain songs" in nearly every genre of music (even rap).  Listening to (or ROCKING OUT TO) certain music can truly lift my spirits like nothing else can.   I love to laugh, so if you know how to make me laugh, you'll earn "bonus points", because too much about life "in general" is just plain sad.  I also absolutely LOVE to touch & be touched!!!! (If I truly enjoyed your company, then snuggling on the couch & watching a GOOD, non slasher type, movie with you would be "Heaven" to me.) IN MY LIFETIME, I have HONESTLY seen (mostly on DVD) too many FANTASTIC, thought provoking, "stimulating" (intellectually or otherwise) movies for me to ever possibly pick my all time favorite movie, but the movie "Love & Other Drugs" was definitely one of the best NEWER movies that I had seen in a long, long, time...

I CHANGE my various profile descriptions often, but posted below is the type of stuff that I write in the profile descriptions that I post out on VANILLA "Dating Websites":

***I want to have FUN!  I want to "forget" my pain.  I want to "escape" into something extraordinary-Something that EXISTS beyond the "mundane"...

Some people have, of course, lived more "colorful" lives than other people have, but come on, once you've reached your 40's, it's pretty much a "given" that regardless of your gender, you're gonna come with at least some if not quite a bit of "baggage"....  At this point in my life, I HONESTLY do not have a preconceived notion/idea of what constitutes a "perfect" ANYTHING: Date, Mate, Lover, or even LIFE.  I simply "go with the flow", because I'm SMART enough to know that "going with the flow" is TRULY the only way to go...

***I wish to end end my profile by sharing with you the first 8 lines from my much longer, original, poem that I wrote 4 years ago: 

Love is nothing
Give me pleasure instead
I'm tired of letting
Love get inside of my head

I'm tired of knowing
What I've always known
Something inside me
Means I'll wind up alone... 

(You can actually "sum up" my ENTIRE profile with these brief words:  After much too long of a hiatus, I'm simply looking to "dip my feet in the water again"=Truthfully, I'm actually aching for more than a hug, but only with the right guy, & I'm very, very, very, picky when it comes to deciding who that "right guy" will be? )

THE END (or maybe-just MAYBE- a new beginning)...  (:

I CHANGE my various profile descriptions often, but posted below is the type of stuff that I write in the profile descriptions that I post out on VANILLA "Dating Websites":

PRELUDE: 6 of the photos I posted out here were snapped w/in the last year. ***Staying in shape is very IMPORTANT to me seeing as I relatively recently lost BOTH nearly 70 pounds of excess flab (hardest thing I'd ever done in my life seeing as I did it while I was in my FORTIES) & a "human anchor" that had literally been weighing me down for 11 years! (LOL) Anyway, I wish to be with a man who really, really, DESIRES me physically but not with a man who desires me for ONLY physical reasons=Yet another VALID REASON why I truly appreciate it when you men take the time to read my long profile description BEFORE YOU CONTACT ME. I'm HONESTLY 5'9 1/2 in bare feet (please don't be FIBBING about how tall you "really" are) & HONESTLY 166 pounds=I'm fairly thin & muscular but definitely a voluptuous "hour glass". I have a BA in English, but I never wanted to be a teacher. I am 100% an unconventional "free spirit" & "free thinker"=I'm not in any way, shape, or form a "normal" girl. I FINALLY "escaped" (probably shouldn't use that word, but if the shoe fits) from a long term relationship. I haven't dated in ages=I'm ADMITTEDLY 100% out of practice, but it's been TOO LONG for me, & I'm really aching to experience intimacy (of all types) with a man again, so here goes nothing… (:

NITTY GRITTY: I believe ABOVE ALL ELSE in being honest, & since I have come to realize that most of you men who are contacting me are not bothering to read much if any of my LONG PROFILE description, I've decided to put the most important stuff right at the beginning: I HONESTLY do not have any expectations or any "hidden agendas" when it comes to this "Dating Website" experience that I have chosen to very tentatively get involved in: I'm not even sure as to exactly what I'm looking for, but I have a pretty good idea of what I'm NOT looking for. As for what you want in a woman: If you are looking for some accomplished, ultra confident, sophisticated, woman then I'm definitely not the woman for you. If you are looking for LONG TERM & to "start a family" then I am definitely not the woman for you, & if you are the ULTRA RELIGIOUS and/or ULTRA CONSERVATIVE type then I am definitely not the woman for you. Also, I am currently residing in the home of my elderly mother whom I am helping out financially & "otherwise" so if my living situation would be a "deal breaker" for you then you may as well know all about it upfront. Now that we have gotten that out of the way, here's the deal guys: Along with billions of other human beings, I'm HERE-Here on this planet, & I feel that for the sake of my own health & well being (as well as for the sake of my desire to EVENTUALLY experience that special type of "Fun" that I can't have with my friends), it's very important that I start VERY CASUALLY dating again. For a myriad of EXTREMELY VALID reasons, I'm simply not ISO my "one, true, love" at this time, but I also have ZERO interest in "fooling around" with "everybody under the sun"...= You shouldn't contact me if you are only after sex or already taken (again-PLEASE DON'T BE LYING TO ME ABOUT THIS), but you also SHOULD NOT CONTACT ME IF YOU ARE MARRIAGE MINDED/LOOKING TO START A FAMILY AS THESE ARE THE TYPES OF THINGS THAT I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO INTEREST IN.

RANDOM FACTS: A long as I have enough money to get by money means very little to me. I need a man who will shower me with affection-not gifts. I want & NEED to be with a man who is naturally inclined to be attentive to his woman's needs (both in & outside of the bedroom). Things that don't matter much to me are your finances or what you do for a living. When all is said & done ALL that really matters to me is how you make me feel-how I feel being with you-That's it! Now, here are some "random tidbits" about ME (so you can determine whether or not you would even want to be "hanging out" with me & making me HAPPY just to have your company & YOUR BODY... LOL): I will NEVER watch any type of SLASHER FILM with you. I will also NEVER date a man who even occasionally smokes cigarettes. Men who enjoy being mean to other people & men who are SELFISH/cheapskates need not apply. I love to run down the street with my dog. I'm happiest in shorts & sneakers. I love to splash in the ocean waves. I'm not a very good cook. I'm an unconventional "free spirit" & "free thinker". I neither look nor act my age. I love to sing FOR MY OWN PLEASURE. (My voice isn't that bad. LOL) I LOVE to keep in shape=You certainly shouldn't be the COMPLETE OPPOSITE of me in that area. ***I know DARKNESS, but I "try" to balance my practically LIFELONG inner DARKNESS with light. I wish to be with a man who is innately KIND but not too "nice". (There is a distinct difference between the 2.) Since I've fortunately always possessed the ability to communicate my thoughts/feelings in a very expressive manner, I'm quite intellectually capable of conversing passionately on a variety of subjects, but I do kind of feel that it's best to steer clear of discussions involving politics/religion with a person you just met because getting too deep into discussions revolving around these "hot topics" with a person you just met can completely turn you off to this person whom you might otherwise really like & enjoy being with. I'm insatiably curious. I don't have a "thick skin". I cry at the drop of a hat. ***I LIVE to WRITE & WRITING is what keeps me alive... I've been writing songs, poems, & essay type stuff since I was in grade school. I'm unquestionably the eccentric, artistic, type-a woman/child whom I know would not be most guy's "cup of tea", but I don't have to be EVERY guy's "cup of tea" in order to be just ONE guy's "cup of tea"-MAYBE even yours? (:

IN CONCLUSION: Deep down, I'm just a BIG (nearly 6' tall ) KID who used to (I'm not that girl anymore, but a part of her will ALWAYS live inside of me) absolutely LOVE to dance (nightclub-not ballroom), & whose favorite music is still alternative rock & classic rock. I actually enjoy listening to "certain songs" in nearly every genre of music (even rap). Listening to (ROCKING OUT TO) certain music can truly lift my spirits like nothing else can. I love to laugh, so if you know how to make me laugh, you'll earn "bonus points", because too much about life "in general" is just plain sad. I also absolutely LOVE to touch & be touched! (If I truly enjoyed your company, then snuggling on the couch & watching a GOOD, non slasher type, movie with you would be "Heaven" to me.) IN MY LIFETIME, I have HONESTLY seen (mostly on DVD) too many FANTASTIC, thought provoking, "stimulating", (intellectually or otherwise) EXCITING, movies for me to ever possibly pick my all time favorite movie, but the movie "Love & Other Drugs" was definitely one of the best "NEWER" movies I had seen in quite some time...

I CHANGE my various profile descriptions often, but posted below is the type of stuff that I write in the profile descriptions that I post out on VANILLA "Dating Websites":

I could just put only the following in my profile description (since it would be short, sweet, to the point, & 100% THE TRUTH), but I'll settle for putting it at the very top of my much longer profile description (posted below) that I know most men won't bother to read anyway:  Fun, sexy, tall, hot, lonely, restless, bored, & somewhat NUTS female seeks similar qualities in male "Partner in Crime"...

Tall, smart, pretty, creative (been writing songs, poems, & essay type stuff since I was practically in diapers), lonely, free spirited, unconventional, agnostic, DREAMER desperately trying to fit in & find her way in this world is simply looking to have some fun & meet new people! I'm definitely not looking to experience a long string of "one night stands", but neither am I looking for a "serious boyfriend". (Please remember that FWB still has the word FRIEND in it?)  I'm single, never married, & neither have any children nor have any desire to have any children. I've been out of the "dating scene" for quite some time. (I was in a LONG TERM relationship for 7+ years.) At this time I'm simply wanting to "dip my feet in the water" a bit while I'm busy TRYING to get used to all of this again. (My last relationship ended quite some time ago=I'm definitely NOT ON THE REBOUND, either, so you don't have to worry about that.) I LOVE the beach-LOVE anything that has to do with water (shower, jacuzzi, pool, beach, waves, water park, etc). I LOVE to exercise, & I ALWAYS try to eat healthy (for the most part) & stay in shape, so I understandably do not have any interest in becoming involved with any type of "couch potato". I often POWER WALK for miles while my favorite tunes are blasting in my ears. My favorite music is Alternative/Classic Rock (think along the lines of NIN, AC/DC, The Eagles, Linkin Park, & Aerosmith), but I enjoy "certain songs" in nearly all genres of music (even rap). At this time I am living with my mother whom I am helping out financially & in a myriad of "other ways", so if my current living situation would be a problem for you you may as well know all about it (& about the fact that I take public transportation) upfront. I'm deeply embroiled in some complicated family matters at this time, & while I am definitely 100% financially independent (& not looking for any type of "Sugar Daddy") I am not currently working at any type of regular 9-5 job.  Ma is where I was born & raised, but I only recently returned back home after having lived in LA for many years=EVEN MORE FOR ME TO "TRY" TO GET USED TO AGAIN...

RANDOM FACTS: I'm a college honors graduate with a BA in English.  Most of the pics of me out here were taken w/in the last few months so my pics are definitely an accurate representation of what I look like right now.  I LOVE all kinds of movies (one of my relatively recent TOP favorites was the movie "Love & Other Drugs " that I watched on DVD a few years ago) in various genres, but I ABSOLUTELY REFUSE to ever again watch any type of "Slasher Film", so if you LOVE those types of sick fking movies it's certainly not a deal breaker for me so long as you realize that you will NEVER be watching them with me.

I wish to be with a man who is not SELFISH (either in or outside of the bedroom).  I wish to be with a man who CAN'T CONTROL HIMSELF around me-who can't keep his hands off of me-a man who knows exactly how to make his woman feel beautiful & desirable ALL THE TIME (not just when he wants to FK her)!  I'm restless, BORED, & LONELY, & I want/NEED to simply feel DESIRED by a guy with whom I can have lots, & lots, & lots of FUN (& not just under the sheets or behind closed doors)... I LOVE to LAUGH, so if you know how to make me laugh you will earn "bonus points".  I also LOVE to touch & be touched in ways that aren't necessarily sexual, so if you are the type of guy who likes to touch, & be touched, enjoys G (maybe pg) RATED PDAS, & knows how to give a good massage you will also earn "bonus points"......  (LOL)

ALSO, I can't stand cigarette smoke & am practically allergic to it, so if you smoke cigarettes then  PLEASE don't waste either my time or yours & write to me:  I HONESTLY wouldn't give the time of day to even "the man of my dreams" if I noticed a cigarette in said man's hands.  (I would walk away.)

***I probably think about sex as often as most men do, but I have a little thing called SELF CONTROL & DISCIPLINE that far too many human beings lack in abundance.  I busted my ass FOR YEARS to get back in shape after my having gained a total of 72 pounds by the time my last so called relationship had finally ended for good.  I don't smoke cigarettes.  I eat healthy for the most part.  I exercise regularly, & I temporarily quit drinking completely=I'm "picky" & "selective" because I can be due to the simple fact that I'm 100% used to "going without".  I know what I want, & I'm done settling for less.  (I'd HONESTLY rather be alone.)

I CHANGE my various profile descriptions often, but posted below is the type of stuff that I write in the profile descriptions that I post out on VANILLA "Dating Websites":

You've been robbed, you've been used
You've been crucified and abused
You've been sacrificed and now you're confused
Ain't that the truth? Yeah, yeah

You've got a hole in your head
And it's a cold empty spot in your big brass bed

When you're mad at the world
And you feeling like you're losing control... (Bon Jovi - Little Bit Of Soul)

It's an ache that never heals
It's the deepest cut you feel
It's the thing in you that feeds
The animal in me

It's the darker side of lust
It's the other side of us
It's the thing in you that feeds
The animal in me, the animal in me

I wanna be your last breath
Before we suffocate...   (Motley Crue - The Animal In Me)

You can have my isolation
You can have the hate that it brings
You can have my absence of faith
You can have my everything

(Help me...)
You tear down my reason
(Help me...)
It's your sex I can smell
(Help me...)
You make me perfect
Help me become somebody else...   (NIN "Closer")

NO PIC=NO REPLY FROM ME-NO EXCEPTIONS!

I'm gonna put a lot more, but If I wanted to I could actually put only the following in my profile description (since it would be short, sweet, to the point, & 100% THE TRUTH):  Fun, sexy, tall, hot, lonely, restless, bored, & somewhat NUTS female seeks similar qualities in male "Partner in Crime"...

I MIRACULOUSLY (at my age) lost 70 pounds along with LOSING the cheap, selfish (in & out of bed) BASTAR_  with whom I spent 11 regrettable, wasted, years of my life, & now that I have pretty much been "REBORN" (in more ways than one) I am simply taking "Baby Steps"...

You don't smoke cigarettes-EVER!  You are at least my TRUE HEIGHT of 5'9 1/2 IN BARE FEET (& not an inch shorter).  You don't have a beard or mustache, & you aren't significantly overweight.

(I informed my REALLY GOOD FRIEND that I thought that it was rather "mean" to be so blunt as to state right upfront what my physical "preferences" are when it comes to ANY MAN I might wish to date, fk, or marry, but my friend doesn't share my sentiments in any way, shape, or form.  She thinks that there's absolutely nothing wrong with HONESTLY stating your "preferences" right up front in any online dating profile description, but then again she's an African American woman who only dates white men, so one would expect her to be a hell of a lot less rigid & judgmental than SADLY MOST PEOPLE ARE when it comes to these delicate subject matters...)

I don't drive.  I moved back home after living in LA since 2001.  I'm a College Honors graduate who majored in English & minored in Philosophy.  I'm currently living with my mother & helping her out in a myriad of ways-including financially.  I'm 100% financially independent but taking a break from the 9-5 "rat race" at this time...  I LOVE to laugh.  I LOVE the water.  I LOVE to touch & be touched.  I LOVE to POWER WALK for miles while my favorite tunes are blasting in my ears.  I  LOVE Classic Rock & Alternative Rock.  I ABHOR cigarette smoke.  I'm undeniably ECCENTRIC.  I've been writing songs/poems & "in general" since I was 8 or 9 years old...   (I currently have in a storage unit back in LA over 100 hard covered filled journals along with loads of notebooks & thousands of loose pieces of paper I had jotted my thoughts down on over the last 36 or so years of my life) .  EXPRESSING MYSELF CREATIVELY (in a myriad of ways) IS MY LIFE SOURCE-MY BLOOD-MY WHOLE WAY OF BEING...  I enjoy watching all kinds of movies in various genres, but I will NEVER watch another SLASHER FILM for the rest of my life.  I'm not looking for a boyfriend.  I'm not looking for a Sugar Daddy.  I'm definitely not looking for a "HOOK UP".  I'm looking for something along the lines of an FWB, but please remember that FWB still has the word FRIEND in it (right at the beginning in fact)...

I tend to ALWAYS write too DAM_ much on these things, so FK it=I have now DELETED a bunch of crap (& replaced said CRAP with song lyrics I can 100% relate to) that I know most of the men who contact me don't/won't bother to read anyway...   (LOL)

My weight has fluctuated here & there over these past 3 weeks & 4 days, but I am FASTING ALL DAY TODAY on mostly water, & as of this morning my weight was still "holding steady" at 159 pounds.  My "sincerest" APOLOGIES to all you men who don't think that I should lose an ounce of weight & justifiably FEAR that my 36D tits are gonna shrink along with my belly, but I am HOPING to be down to at least 150 pounds (if not less) by the time I leave my ex's PEACEFUL home in about 5 weeks & return home to "Mommy" & endless, frustrating, CHAOS.  I go in for my last of a series of 3 Colonics this Wednesday.  I'm really enjoying being here in my ex's home where it is always relatively CALM, where when I go on my miles long POWER WALKS I can even CHOOSE to walk up & down some hills, & where I NEVER have to wait at lights & stop signs like I was doing back in MA (& in LA for that matter) whenever I went out WALKING for miles, & where I can have intelligent, DEEP, conversation with my ex-MY REALLY GOOD FRIEND who has known & LOVED ME for over 18 years now-on a daily basis.  While I'm staying here with my ex I'm CHOOSING to follow my ex's example & ONLY eat organic foods/liquids & NOT EAT ANY MEAT, but I am eating organic eggs & organic dairy like my ex does:  I'm easily maintaining my weight because besides the fact that there isn't any REAL/TEMPTING, junk food in this house my ex keeps me in line-keeps me from EATING or even WANTING TO EAT ANYTHING past a certain hour.  I'm spending a shtload of money on healthy food, supplements, cleanses, etc, but it's ALL WORTH IT TO ME BECAUSE I HONESTLY FEEL BETTER THAN I HAVE FELT IN A LONG, LONG, TIME...

*My ex is a completely different person than he was when I was in my mid twenties & he became my first "Real Love" (whom I truly LOVED as much as I was capable of loving anybody even if I SADLY was not and still am not capable of "falling in love" with anybody).  My ex is 100% into CLEAN LIVING now, & as a 1-2 month "experiment" I am 100% adapting to (ie ADOPTING as much as I can) my ex's healthy, holistic, organic, lifestyle because if it's ONE thing this admittedly FKD UP "little girl" is it's "adaptable"...

(Plus I get 40+ hours per week to be by myself in my ex's PEACEFUL HOME=No mother or dogs continuously driving me nuts.)

**Maybe I'll even manage to drop a few pounds while I'm on my long awaited by me "retreat" in my ex's home-not that any of those men out there on this vast planet who REALLY LIKE MY VOLUPTUOUS BOD think that I need to lose any weight at all...  LOL

You can file the following under the category of "It Figures":  I traveled REALLY FAR via public transportation in order to get a bikini wax on Tuesday, my hair cut on Thursday, & my eyebrows professionally shaped today, & now it appears that sometime during my 3, long, stressful, days of traveling this past week I picked up some sort of bug:  I'm starting to get SICK with a cold (beginning to have that sore/restricted type feeling in my throat) that's likely only gonna get much worse before it gets any better right before I'm about to fly out of state to visit my ex boyfriend* (in a strictly platonic manner unless something "more" magically develops between he & I) for 1-2 months!

*He & I have been REALLY GOOD FRIENDS for about 18 years now.  I'm not "normal" (& the reasons why could literally fill a book).  I've never been in love & honestly don't believe that I'm even capable of falling "in love" (although look at all the people who "claim" to be so "in love" with their mates yet go around cheating on their mates left & right)?  In any case I lived with this man (mentioned above) for 6 years beginning when I was around 26 years old, but while I truly LOVED HIM BACK THEN (& still LOVE him to this day) I was never "in love" with him the way "Normal" folks talk about what it means to be "in love" (& the way that he WISHED I had been)...

So this past Tuesday I got a California Bikini Wax FOR ONLY THE SECOND TIME IN MY LIFE, & the woman who gave me this almost a Brazilian "Bikini Wax" BOTH TIMES is/was fking AWESOME*!  She's cool as sht, open minded, super friendly, & not only ALWAYS willing to answer any of my questions about waxing "in general", but also more than willing to get into "down & dirty" discussions with me about men, women, sex, & (of course) why people of BOTH SEXES get their privates waxed in the first place...   (: 

(ABOVE ALL ELSE she ALWAYS does her very best to make a naturally unpleasant experience not so bad after all!!!!! )

Today I got my hair done & I absolutely LOVE IT!!!!!

Tomorrow I'm paying a "small fortune" to get my eyebrows done, & next week I MIGHT get a FRENCH MANICURE for the first time ever in my life...

***I'm LEAVING the state & taking a MUCH NEEDED 1-2 month VACATION very soon:  My musician ex (whom I lived with/loved for 6 years when I was in my mid 20's to early 30's) has been my REALLY GOOD FRIEND (something I am BEYOND grateful for, btw) for about 18 years now.  I haven't seen this Beautiful Soul in nearly 5 years.  Last time I saw him was in December of 2008-shortly after my so called relationship with the man I had spent 7 years 8 months of my life with had ended rather badly...  Last time I saw my musician ex/LONG TIME FRIEND (only because he knew what had happened to me & BECAUSE HE CARED DEEPLY ABOUT ME had KINDLY invited me to GO ON A 3 week "RETREAT" at his house even though I barely had a penny to my name & he would have to pay for my trip there & ALL expenses while I was staying in his home) I was a psychological/physical mess who weighed 232 pounds, so now that the man I lived with AFTER the musician & I had broken up but remained good friends IS FKING THANKFULLY FINALLY PERMANENTLY OUT OF MY LIFE, & now that I've miraculously managed to drop about 70 pounds of excess lard from my body & regain my former svelte figure (even if it is 12 years older & a little worse for wear) I'm understandably EXCITED for my musician ex/LONG TIME good friend to see how far I've come=He's gonna be shocked, but this time IN A GOOD WAY whereas last time I saw this man (whose INNATE HONESTY has always mirrored my own) he (who unfortunately used to hate it if I even put on a measly 10 pounds during the DEPRESSING TO ME Winter months here in Ma) bluntly said to me, "What happened to you-You were ALWAYS thin"?  My musician ex doesn't like  excess FLAB on his mates/lovers any more than I like excess flab on mine (& I'm not talking about expecting any guy who contacts me to have a six pack, here, Folks)=It's simply a personal preference, & nothing I would fault my musician ex or anybody for.  I did used to think it was rather ridiculous for this man who claimed to be in love with me to admittedly become less attracted to me simply over my little 10-12 pound weight gain, but NO RELATIONSHIP IS PERFECT, & overall this man (unlike his successor) treated me with nothing but KINDNESS & RESPECT throughout the 6 years he & I were together as a couple.  He's not the type to try anything/take advantage of any woman he knows is in a vulnerable position, so even had I not been OBESE the last time I saw him at the end of 2008 I still don't think he would have tried to get me into his bed?  Now that I'm as thin as I was when he knew me prior to 2001 I really can't say whether he will "try anything" with me or not, but I have a feeling that he won't (even if a small part of me wishes that he would)?  I was definitely more than attracted to him last time I saw him, but I knew damn well that he wasn't at all attracted to my 232 pound body, & his lack of attraction towards me was perfectly OK with me seeing as I wasn't there in his home to "get laid" by him, anyway:  I was there to simply try to HEAL...  (He & I had unfortunately NEVER really been all that sexually compatible, anyway, because I've always been the type to want to experiment/try new things/get a little kinky/be spontaneous with my mates, & he was the type who would be like, "Ok it's Sunday-work week is over-Time for us to have sex...)  Like I said before NO RELATIONSHIP IS PERFECT, but now that I'm older, somewhat "wiser", in my 40's, & not even remotely looking for my "one true love" but definitely looking for an FWB type thing that involves far more than just two people FKING I'm simply not willing to "SETTLE" for anything less than what I want in my lover, & one of the things I WANT besides to simply find a man whom I at least somewhat "click" with mentally is to be with a man WHO TURNS ME ON PHYSICALLY, so if you send even the NICEST, MOST COMPLIMENTARY, PERSONAL MESSAGE IN THE WORLD to me & I'm not interested in you FOR WHATEVER REASON I may have then you need to simply MOVE ON TO THE NEXT WOMAN & leave me be=Just because you aren't my "type" doesn't mean that there aren't loads of women out there who you'd be perfect for, & the thing is that I often reject for reasons other than their physical appearances men who contact me via these online Dating sites, but even if I do reject a man for PURELY PHYSICAL REASONS (& FAR too many of you men ON ALL THESE "Dating Websites" don't bother to post profile pictures of yourselves, anyway, & I get really PISSED OFF when I receive messages from you, & you think I'm just gonna start "chatting" with you when I don't have a GD clue in the universe what you look like) my good friend (an African American woman who is attracted to only white men so thankfully would NEVER JUDGE or SNIDELY CALL SHALLOW ANYBODY over his/her physical preferences when it comes to romantic relationships & SEX), & I BOTH feel that I have every right in the world to do so***.... 

***I have the unfortunate & definitely detrimental to my overall state of well being tendency to feel TOO DAMN GUILTY about TOO DAMN MUCH in this life (even about things that are not my fault & that I have little to no control over), & my aforementioned (& fairly new) GOOD FEMALE FRIEND/CONFIDANTE/BUDDY has been trying to FOR MY OWN GOOD BECAUSE SHE LOVES ME & FEARS THAT MY OBSCENELY SENSITIVE NATURE MIGHT SOMEDAY BE THE DEATH OF ME break me of this "BAD HABIT" I have of constantly taking on the burden of the Entire World's "Woes"... 

P.S.  Yet another EXTREMELY VALID REASON that I have been & intend to continue being extremely "picky" out on these Online "Dating Websites"=You don't even want to know how long it's been since I have FULLY gotten "down & dirty" with anybody, & if we want to be REALLY BLUNT HERE I'm more than just a tad bit SCARED... (THE END)

***What kind of hair cut should I get?  I'm getting my hair cut this week, & I want a hair cut with more VA-VOOM than the last hair cut I got a couple of months ago.  I ALWAYS want my hair long & all one length in the back, but I want bangs & a cut that best frames my features & brings out my giant, baby blue, peepers... (:

Yesterday I shelled out big bucks for Omar to have an intensive dental cleaning/scaling done (something the vet I've been going to here in Ma HIGHLY RECOMMENDED I have done for Omar), & Omar ultimately needed to have 3 of his teeth pulled (a procedure that cost me extra but not too much extra) because those 3 teeth were LOOSE FROM DECAY.  If you could momentarily step inside my head and fully grasp exactly what I went through FOR FAR TOO MANY YEARS with my then live in boyfriend & his "Devout Christian" mother you would instantly comprehend the fact that the HORRIBLE condition of 6 1/2 year old Omar's teeth/gums was not my fault:  At least I'm not the female equivalent of a CHEAP, SELFISH, BASTARD.  At least now that I wasn't dirt poor & Omar was MY DOG ALONE I was more than willing to do what was obviously necessary seeing as how my vet did have to actually pull 3 of Omar's teeth to help maintain Omar's relatively good health & prolong the life of my beloved to me pet that my ex & his mother "supposedly" LOVED as much as I did, but you all should know that there's a GD, FKING, reason "they" say that actions speak louder than words!!!!!

***I still CAN'T BELIEVE that FKING LOSER (who was absolutely NOTHING to write home about-believe me) sent that HORRIBLE message (posted in an earlier one of my journal entries) to me when I had done absolutely NOTHING to him except read his profile & not be what he was looking for!!!!  I didn't write to him first!  I didn't send a "Friend request" to him, & I didn't even add him to my "favorites".  ALL that I did was LOOK AT HIS PROFILE, & HE LASHED OUT AT ME!!!!  This type of UNPROVOKED CRUELTY taking place & DIRECTED TOWARDS ME on a fking "Dating Website" is mind boggling to me & just causes me to FEAR ALL YOU MEN EVEN MORE!!!!!!

P.S.  I'm CHUNKY?  I stand 5'9 1/2 IN BARE FEET & fit COMFORTABLY into two different size 10 skirts that I bought at Express 3 days ago, & I'm not only CHUNKY but also my "ROLLS OF FAT" would get in the way if I ever had a "Session with this guy=I should seek out African American men because those men "Go crazy for BEEFY CHICKS"?  Are you GD, FKING, KIDDING ME??????

***I'm ECSTATIC to say that I found a new dentist who had a cancellation & was able to give me an exam, a cleaning, & bite wing EX RAYS yesterday morning!  (check)

I bought a tongue cleaner & gel at Rite Aid, & plan to buy an electric toothbrush & perhaps a Waterpik to help me in my own, ongoing, battle against GUM DISEASE & to help combat any bad breath I may have.  (check)

***Omar & Angel BOTH recently saw the vet, had complete exams, & got their nails cut.  I've decided to pay a significant hunk of change & have Omar's horribly decayed teeth/gums DEEPLY cleaned NEXT WEEK.  I'm TERRIFIED about the anesthesia aspect of a dental cleaning for Omar, but my ex & his mother NEVER cared about Omar's teeth, never even RESPECTED me enough to listen to my genuine concerns regarding Omar's teeth,  & even fed Omar CRAP like potato chips=Omar's teeth are now horrible:  The current condition of Omar's teeth is comparable to what would be the condition of my teeth or the condition of the teeth of ANY of you out there had we NEVER BRUSHED or FLOSSED OUR TEETH for 6 1/2 whole years.  I want my "Baby" to live a long, long, time.  I'm NOT a Cheap, FKING, Bastard like my ex was, is, & forever will be, & this is something I'm gonna "bite the bullet" & have done NEXT WEEK by my mom's good friend's TRUSTED VET who has been taking care of animals at his own veterinarian practice for over 25 years... (check)

Before I had eaten or drunk anything, & when I stepped on it while I was sans ANY CLOTHING WHATSOEVER I weighed 160.8 yesterday morning on my mother's ACCURATE digital scale=I am VIGILANTLY keeping my weight under control.  (check)

I paid my monthly storage fee for the storage unit I have back in LA.  (check)

I'm over due for a haircut, bikini wax, & eyebrow wax, & intend to get all three done VERY SOON...  (See if places are open today & make appointments pronto!)

I MUST clean my pig-pen of a room & organize all my hundreds of receipts TODAY!!!!

***"Beach Guy" shocked the sht out of me yesterday & actually texted me to tell me that he had had a great time with me last Saturday & would LOVE to see me again=He wants to get a hotel room & give me "the best sex of my life" (easy enough task to accomplish considering how absolutely DISAPPOINTING to me my entire sex life has been thus far, & considering the fact that I am SUPER HOT for this guy), but the question is whether or not I would want this guy to be the guy with whom I finally ENDED my longtime, self chosen, celibacy?  (IDK?)

How's this for BRUTAL HONESTY:

*** I am pretty much a LIFELONG "Loner" who due to a myriad of extremely valid reasons is at this time naturally inclined to NEVER TRUST & even practically fear all men, but I'm also pretty much a LIFELONG SENSUALIST (ie I absolutely revel in simply touching & being touched by another person-I even used to relish those rare occasions when my female friends/classmates wanted to play with my long, blond, hair when I was in GRADE SCHOOL), & since I'm not into women (tried it 2X on 2 separate occasions with 2 different women when I was in my mid 20's, but it just wasn't for me), & now that I've FINALLY managed to break free for good from "Something Bad" that I was trapped in of my own accord FOR FAR TOO LONG I am literally FORCING MYSELF to break out of my "Comfort Zone" & meet IN PERSON select men of my own choosing:  I'm pretty much taking "Baby Steps" now that I have miraculously (especially at my age) managed to lose the excess 70 pounds (gradually added to my formerly hot, svelte, body during that long, horrible, "Something Bad' period of my life) I was carrying around for too many fking years, & now that I have been somewhat "Reborn" into a world that TERRIFIES me on a DAILY BASIS but is the only world I've got...

My ex boyfriend (the "good one" I met & lived with for 6 years when I was in my mid 20's to early 30's-not the fking ahole with whom I went on to spend nearly 8 REGRETTABLE years of my life) use to actually COMPLAIN to me that I didn't "suck his C__K correctly"-didn't "suck his C__K the way his ex wife had done":

#1  Neither the African American boyfriend I had in college nor ANY of my subsequent "one night stands" after I graduated had ever complained about my technique in that area.

#2 (& even more important) You don't EVER fking CRITICIZE your partner's bedroom moves.  You GENTLY instruct your partner on how he or she can BETTER PLEASE YOU-PERIOD!

***Now I'm gonna take my supposedly "chubby body" that would "apparently" cause me to have to take numerous "rest breaks" should I ever be so fortunate as to be in a "session" with one of you Dominant men out on my usual CLOSE TO FIVE MILE POWER WALK that barely causes me to become "winded" at all let alone causes me to have to take ANY fking "rest breaks"=I may not be "THIN" by Hollywood's ridiculously STRINGENT standards, but I'm EXTREMELY FIT, & I have no doubt that there are an untold amount of women (even very thin women) HALF MY AGE who could never keep up with me...

P.S.  Yea, I stand 5'9 1/2 IN BARE FEET & wear a size 12 (sometimes a 10) in pants, shorts, & skirts, & a size SMALL or MEDIUM top, yet I would still be considered "chubby" by HOLLYWOOD STANDARDS=Nowadays, so would Marilyn...  (THE END, & FK YOU AGAIN to the guy who wrote that utterly unwarranted, horrible, message to me when ALL that I had done to him was have the NERVE to read his PROFILE & be too "fat" for him to even consider getting to know me better WHEN I WAS NEVER EVEN REMOTELY INTERESTED IN HIM IN THE FIRST PLACE & HAD NEVER INTENDED TO WRITE TO HIM AT ALLLLLLLLL)!!!!

8/7/13 "update":

After spending TOO MANY WASTED YEARS with a jerk, I'm now simply "trying" to get used to being touched & FEELING DESIRED/DESIRABLE again=I'm making a very wise decision on my part & NO LONGER actively seeking out DOMINANT men:

At least I will KNOW if a man is 100% SUBMISSIVE (or maybe a "Switch") & I do find myself in public & under his firm & tender touch he will do as I SAY & STAY AWAY from my breasts & crotch, & unlike was the case with the 31 year old STUD whom I PAID $100 to massage me on the beach for one hour last Saturday he certainly won't express SHOCK if I inform him or he finds out for himself that my size 36 D breasts may look damn good in a bra but my breasts do sag & always have!!!!  The fact that I've NEVER had kids is completely irrelevant.  Every woman on this planet has a different set of breasts.  I HONESTLY don't know why my breasts sag?  I only know that my breasts have ALWAYS sagged (even back when I was a teenager) but my cute, round, ass, long N lean legs, & long, natural blond, hair more than make up for my "saggy tits", & I've certainly NEVER had ANY COMPLAINTS from any of the men who were lucky enough to get me into their beds!!!!!

***For a myriad of VERY VALID reasons (including the words I've read in the profile descriptions & journal entries posted by too many DOMINANT men) I am no longer interested in Dominant men!  I can't even believe what some DOMINANT PR_CK wrote to me today.  I didn't do anything to him.  I didn't write to him first-didn't initiate a friend request to him-NOTHING-NOTHING-NOTHING!!!!!  ALL that I did was view his profile because it happened to be one of those profiles that automatically popped up on my screen when I logged in.  Even STRAIGHT MEN have the right to simply READ the profiles of other straight men & the same goes for straight women reading the profiles of other straight women, etc, etc, etc if they want to=It's a GD, FREE COUNTRY, & we all have EVERY RIGHT IN THE UNIVERSE to read any GD profile belonging to any GD member of any GD "Dating Website" if WE SO CHOOSE!!!!!  (THE END)

***I'm being HONEST with myself in my decision that I simply can't "handle" Dominant men at this time-that I NEED to be with guys who feel at least somewhat "SAFER" to me, so I'm simply changing my profile. I'm now listed as a Switch woman who is actively seeking out ONLY Submissive or Switch men.  While I definitely have "Submissive tendencies" I'm not really Submissive, anyway (& I've had more than a few Dominant men out on this site inform me of such).  I've been spending months learning about what it is that most DOMINANT MEN want from a woman, & that isn't me, so I have WISELY changed my profile description.  No big deal!

***I am ADMITTEDLY beyond ECCENTRIC & kind of "Nutty"=Yet another VALID REASON for me to start seeking out SUBMISSIVE MEN who will WANT to PLEASE me-who will get PLEASURE simply from PLEASING ME, & (MOST IMPORTANTLY) whom I would likely NEVER FEAR (& I'm not even necessarily referring to physically FEAR) even remotely as much as I would likely FEAR MOST DOMINANT MEN (ESPECIALLY the ones who EXCITED me)...

The following is VERY IMPORTANT when it comes to anybody on this planet understanding even a little bit in regards to where I am coming from at all times:  I don't drive.  I walk or take public transportation EVERYWHERE, so the location & times I can meet in person ANY GUY whom I correspond with via any "Dating Website" are unfortunately extremely limited.   ***It's very bizarre to me that 2, young, submissive, cutie pies-BOTH whom I hadn't heard from IN MONTHS decided to contact me "out of the blue" today to ask me if I was still interested in receiving a public massage from them, but since the guy I recently met via a "Vanilla" site couldn't even "hang out" with me at the beach for more than 90 fking minutes after I had taken 3 buses to get to that particular beach I met him at, & when he had (intentionally or not) FALSELY led me to believe that he would be able to stay with me for at least a bit longer than 30 minutes after he had finished giving me the massage I was PAYING him $100 to give to me, & when I had really, really, really, hoped to pay him $100 to massage me on the beach for an hour but ultimately get to "pretend" with him (like I had done with that "Switch" I met at the mall a few months ago) for a HELL OF A LOT LONGER THAN 1 1/2 hours I'm now gonna use my good looks to get me what I want which is to be SAFELY TOUCHED in PUBLIC by men I'm attracted to but WILL NOT HAVE TO PAY TO TOUCH ME!!!!!  I don't give a Rat's ass that it will all be pretend, & that none of these men will be "boyfriend material".  I'm NOT looking for a fking "boyfriend", anyway, & If I want to be TOUCHED by a guy who WANTS to TOUCH ME, & I don't have to PAY HIM TO TOUCH ME (like I paid that guy last Saturday), & I don't have to worry about him ONLY WANTING TO FK ME (like "Beach Guy" made it clear he HOPED TO DO the very next time he & I got together or else I would likely NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN) then it's all GOOD in my book-ALL FKING GOOD!!!!

                                               (THE END)

Check out what this AHOLE just wrote to me?  Why did he do that to me when ALL that I did was take a look at his profile because it "popped up" on my screen right when I logged on, & I often read the profiles that automatically pop up on my screen when I log on to Collarme? ***I really don't UNDERSTAND why this guy was so CRUEL towards me when I didn't do anything to him?  I'm NEVER intentionally CRUEL towards any human being unless he DESERVES it.  I didn't initiate contact with this guy, & as far as I know (unless he did so MANY MONTHS AGO) this guy wasn't even one of the many men who initiated contact with me & either never hear back from me or received a POLITE rejection note back from me.  In any case, this guy's utter CRUELTY towards me was completely unwarranted.  He's not a kid.  He's on this site searching for "something" same as we all are=It doesn't benefit him to EVER be that CRUEL towards ANY person on this site who didn't do ANYTHING to him except read his WORDS that he chose to post for the public to view.  I did read everything he wrote, & even if I happened to be SUPER ATTRACTED to him physically (which I'm definitely not) he is not what I am looking for & vice versa...

{Thanks for viewing my profile? Very nice though sure you did 200 others yesterday. An d cute face but a little too chunky. I don't like to work with beefy chicks. They need to many breaks, and the rolls of jiggling fat do little for me. Find yourself a sweet black guy.. "Niggas" really do go crazy for you chubby women.}

FOR THE RECORD:  Despite the fact that I'm extremely FIT, & in amazing shape (particularly for a woman my age) I actually would like to lose another 10 pounds or so, but my admitted VANITY & constant DESIRE to be "better" does not in any way, shape, or form change the FACT that young (10+ years younger than me) hot, studs who in the looks department can WIPE THE FLOOR with the LOSER who completely UNPROVOKED BY ME (since I NEVER contacted him prior to him LASHING out at me for no GD, fking, reason whatsoever) sent the above CRUEL MESSAGE to me LUST AFTER MY SO CALLED "CHUBBY BODY" ALL THE FKING TIME....

TO A FRIEND:  I know I'm not FAT, & this guy has every right to like his women SUPER SKINNY!  His profile didn't "bother" me even remotely as much as did the profile of that borderline PSYCHO KILLER I brought to your attention a couple or so months ago.  What UPSET me was that I hadn't done ANYTHING to this guy.  Do you "get" that I didn't PROVOKE this guy in any way?  I didn't write to him.  I didn't send a "friend request" to him, & I didn't even send him a rejection note.  ALL THAT I DID WAS LOOK AT HIS PROFILE.  Why did he lash out at me like that?  I don't understand?

Below is the message I sent to this guy right before I BLOCKED HIM:

Dear CRUEL AHOLE:

I viewed your profile because IT POPPED UP THE MOMENT I LOGGED ON.  You are NOTHING special to look at (although you are tall, fit, & would perhaps "seem" CUTER to me if you were SMILING in your profile picture or if I saw you in person), & the fact that you are hardly the male version of "God's Gift to Women" makes me even more surprised by your utter UNWARRANTED CRUELTY TOWARDS ME.  I'm currently a member on a few Vanilla dating websites as well as this website, & ON EVERY "DATING SITE" I belong to (including this one) I've had NUMEROUS, absolutely GORGEOUS, tall, fit, CAUCASIAN, HUNKS (even guys a lot younger than me) very interested in my so called "chubby body", but none of that matters, because I always say "to each his own" ***What MATTERS is that I am absolutely astounded at what a FKING ASSHOLE you are seeing as I didn't do to you ANY of the things you VICIOUSLY wrote about "other woman" (most whom you referred to as "scam artists") on this site "doing to you".  It's not like I wrote to you first or ever, ever, ever, would have.  I read EVERYTHING you wrote in both your profile description & journal & instantly knew that you & I were not at all compatible, & if I had even bothered to write back to you at all since I have neither the time nor the inclination to respond to every last one of the HUNDREDS of men who initiate contact with me on these various sites but who are for a myriad of VALID REASONS not the type of guys I'm looking for that's what I would have told you had you expressed any interest in me.  ALL that I did was read your words because I'm a WRITER like you are, & I was curious as to what you had to say?  Even MEN have the RIGHT to READ any GD profile they CHOOSE to read ON ANY OF THESE SITES!  What the FK is wrong with you-INSULTING me like that when I NEVER did anything to you?  Again-YOU FKING PRICK-ALL that I did was READ YOUR FKING PROFILE-That's it-NOTHING ELSE!!!!!  I didn't initiate contact with you or even initiate a friend request to you-NOTHING-NOTHING-NOTHING, & I'm gonna TELL one of my MALE FRIENDS out here all about how absolutely CRUEL you were towards me for no GD reason at all!!!!!!!

***That hot guy whom I PAID to massage me on the beach had told me ahead of time that he LOVED to kiss & was a fantastic kisser, yet he ultimately didn't kiss me, & I'm not sure why?  This perplexing to me thing that happened between this guy & me last Saturday is yet another VALID reason why I don't wish to just jump into bed with any guy who asks me to (even if said guy does make me super hot).  Now that I'm thinking back on it I don't know if maybe the "beach guy" was turned off by my breath, but the thing is that besides the fact that I take very good care of my teeth-brush, floss, & use Listerine mouthwash daily I was SMART enough to buy & chew a whole bunch of Eclipse gum before & while this guy was busy massaging me & I was busy trying to keep his hands away from my breasts & crotch since we were after all IN PUBLIC, & since I was PAYING him $100 to do WHAT I WANTED HIM TO DO FOR ONE WHOLE HOUR-which was to SENSUOUSLY massage my back, neck, shoulders, & legs...  So, anyway I was chewing spearmint gum yet this guy offered me one of those mint papers that I accepted while I was busy mumbling, "I'm chewing gum".  I had thought that maybe this guy had offered me that breath mint paper because he didn't know that I had been chewing gum for a long time & maybe he was planning on kissing me, but since he didn't wind up kissing me I'm now "wondering" if perhaps he had offered me that paper because my breath smelled bad?  I'm gonna discuss this frustrating to me situation with my dentist because I'm not sure what more I can do besides brushing, flossing, using Listerine, AND making sure that whenever I meet a guy in person I chew gum designed to combat bad breath, but I will GLADLY do whatever it takes (financially or otherwise) to make this EMBARRASSING PROBLEM disappear for good...

8/8/13 "update":  Meeting/Dating STRANGERS involves talking up close, KISSING, & making first impressions.  I've been intensively studying online the causes & cures for BAD BREATH.  I also did the "lick the back of your hand with your entire tongue-wait a few seconds or a few minutes & then sniff" test:  I FAILED it (& so would MILLIONS of other people, since chronic Halitosis is apparently a very common occurrence in human beings).  Donald (my AHOLE boyfriend I lived with for TOO MANY YEARS) RARELY kissed me plus he & I drank all the time.  Even when I used to "sleep around" booze was always involved, & you NEVER have to worry at all about whether or not you have "bad breath" when your breath reeks of booze & usually so does the breath of whoever happens to be sticking his tongue down your throat at that moment....

I have ALWAYS believed (perhaps falsely) that I or anybody suffering from the same thing could temporarily alleviate "bad breath" simply by chewing on sugarless gum designed to combat "bad breath", but now I'm not so sure about that since I HAD ALREADY BEEN CHEWING LOTS OF PIECES OF ECLIPSE SPEARMINT GUM BEFORE I MET "X" AT THE BEACH LAST SATURDAY, & I STILL HAD A BIG WAD OF GUM IN MY MOUTH WHILE "X" WAS BUSY MASSAGING ME, YET WHILE HE WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF MASSAGING ME FROM BEHIND "X" OFFERED ONE OF THOSE BREATH MINT PAPER THINGS TO ME & THEN (to ad insult to injury) did not KISS ME even once despite the fact that he had mentioned beforehand how much he just "LOVED to kiss" & how much of an "Amazing kisser he was"...

So I'm gonna discuss this embarrassing sh_t with my brand new dentist tomorrow, but today (despite the fact that it's raining outside) I'm gonna take the bus to RITE AID & buy a TOP RATED tongue scraper/gel combo that I discovered out on the Internet, & then start vigilantly using that tongue scraper/gel combo ON A DAILY BASIS as well as rinsing/gargling with hydrogen peroxide mixed with water (something I never knew about doing, but that's also supposed to help combat "bad breath") ON A DAILY BASIS!!!!  I've already been regularly brushing my teeth, flossing my teeth, & using Listerine mouthwash, but now I intend to add the VERY IMPORTANT (according to numerous online sources) daily tongue scraping to my DAILY teeth cleaning regimen BECAUSE I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE TO "WORRY" ABOUT MY BREATH SMELLING BAD WHEN I'M MEETING UP WITH TOTAL STRANGERS!!!!  (THE END)

P.S.  Just now I emailed a VERY CLOSE female friend of mine whom I knew would TELL ME the TRUTH about my breath, & this is what she wrote back to me:  [I have honestly never noticed it before.  Your breath hasn't been offensive to me and trust I know what halitosis smells like.  Had a close friend with it.}=A lot of people (especially people who UNLIKE ME constantly drink sugary soda & never drink enough water) probably have WORSE BREATH than I do, but I've still had NON CLOSE TO ME people complain about my "bad breath" in the past, & especially now that I'm single again & actually "tentatively" dating/meeting men again I really intend to do ALL that I can to make any type of "bad breath" I may have DISAPPEAR FOR GOOD!

*Just because I'm not looking for a "serious boyfriend" doesn't mean that I don't want to be FRIENDS FIRST with whatever guy I ultimately choose as the man with whom I wish to end my longtime, self chosen, celibacy=Sex is MESSY.  Sex involves human beings who need to feel comfortable enough to communicate their wants/desires/likes/dislikes with one another.  I'm not some twenty year old "hard body" with perfect, perky, breasts.  I'm a mature woman.  My body is far from perfect, & I want/need to feel like I can TRUST any guy I decide to go to bed with-TRUST that he won't make fun of me or intentionally hurt me in some other manner-TRUST that he will respect me enough to care about my feelings when it comes to what he's doing to my body-TRUST that he will be MATURE enough BEFORE HE & I HOP INTO BED WITH ONE ANOTHER to discuss with me SERIOUS things like STDS & pregnancy prevention as well as less serious things like bad breath, or body odor, or the manner in which either of us enjoy being touched...  When I was in my twenties & very early thirties I used to "sleep around", & 99.9% of the time those "casual encounters" I took part in LEFT ME COLD.  I'm never gonna do that kind of SHIT again=It's just not WORTH IT TO ME!  I did have ONE, AWESOME, male, FWB when I was in my twenties.  This guy was a good friend.  He actually CARED about me & unlike would have EVER, ever, ever, been the case with any of my long ago "one night stands" my male FRIEND actually CARED about what I was trying to gently convey to him, thankfully didn't take my words as a personal insult towards him, & promised me that he would change his "technique" when I very nicely & softly informed him that he was being TOO ROUGH with his tongue...   (The reason I have brought all of this up is because I KNOW that "Beach Guy" wanted to FK me, but all along "Beach Guy" had seemed to me that he not only had very little interest in doing anything but FK me, but also that he 100% believed that FULL BLOWN SEX would happen between he & I "just like that", & that's not what I wanted or want from any guy=FWB still has the word FRIEND in it, & just because I don't expect to be "wined & dined" by any potential male FWB of mine he'll still be starting out as a TOTAL STRANGER to me, & I'll still WANT & EXPECT him to try to slowly SEDUCE me into bed...  Yea, I'm ADMITTEDLY not looking for any type of "boyfriend", but I still want & NEED that delicious EXCITEMENT that goes hand in hand with me feeling like I'm really, really, really, DESIRED by a man who doesn't know if I'm ultimately gonna fuck him or not, but who LIKES ME ENOUGH AS A PERSON  to be patient with me & "wait & see" what happens...

***I often read entire profile descriptions & ALL the journal entries (if applicable) of men whom I have ZERO interest in (for a myriad of valid reasons that usually at least partially revolve around these men not being men I'm at all attracted to on a physical level), & the reason I take the time to READ THE WORDS of men I have ZERO interest in is because I am & have always been an INSATIABLY CURIOUS human being who doesn't merely LOVE to write, but who actually LIVES to write, & think, & delve deep into how other human beings on this planet think-What makes other HUMAN BEINGS "tick" (sexually & otherwise)...

UPDATE: 

!.  I'm FKING sick of men (on other "dating websites") WHO LIVE IN OTHER STATES contacting me=What's the point of men from Kentucky, Idaho, etc responding to my "Dating Website" profile, unless these men simply want/hope to engage me in ONLINE SEX which I have ZERO interest in doing, especially if there is NO CHANCE IN HELL of me EVER meeting any of these men in "Real Life"!!!!!  (I NEVER bother responding to ANY GUY who lives in another state unless that state is fking RI!)

2.  I'm FKING sick of men on this & more vanilla "dating websites" NOT HAVING profile pictures posted.  ALL my pictures on this site (& 99% of my pictures on other sites) are not only REAL but also 100% recent (as in taken w/in the past year):  I RARELY bother to respond back to ANY GUY on ANY "dating website" who initiates contact with me but who has not posted a clear profile picture of himself THAT SHOWS HIS FACE, & that is not of trees, a guy who isn't him, etc, & YUP-I admittedly CAN'T BE BOTHERED with "requesting a picture" from any of these men when I KNOW FOR A FACT that 9 times out of 10 I'm not gonna be interested, anyway!

***I'm IRRITABLE because I've been FASTING all day today:  Whenever my weight creeps us a few pounds from 160 pounds I immediately "nip in the bud" that SMALL weight gain before it gets OUT OF HAND.  While I was in in my fking 40's I MIRACULOUSLY managed to lose 70 pounds (along with THANKFULLY LOSING the ASSHOLE I was with while I was busy GAINING 70 pounds), & I'm NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, GOING BACK!!!!!

***That "Switch" I "hooked up" with on May 4th (approximately 2 months ago) was willing to MASSAGE ME IN A PUBLIC PLACE where I knew that I would be 100% SAFE=He earned points with me simply because he agreed to participate in my rather bizarre suggestion as to what would take place on our very first "date", but what made this all work out so "smoothly" was that I was already fairly HOT for him before he & I even met in person, & once I saw him IN PERSON the HEAT I FELT FOR HIM intensified...  (I DID NOT SLEEP WITH THIS MALE "SWITCH", but I definitely had more "fun" with him than I had had in a long, long, time!)

***About a month later, a HOT guy responded to the first of my 2 CL ads (both flagged w/in 2 hours of me posting them) ISO a HOT GUY who was willing to massage me ON THE BEACH for 1 hour in exchange for x amount of compensation.  (I was PAYING=I was gonna get EXACTLY the kind of guy I wanted!)  At the last minute the guy changed his mind because (in his words) he thought I was "rude" in the last email that I had sent to him, however my female friend & I 100% believed that my "RUDENESS" in this guy's eyes was simply my HONESTY in explaining to this guy that even if I more than likely wanted to do so I wasn't gonna FK him!  (I wanted to make sure that there would be NO MISUNDERSTANDINGS between this guy & me=That was ADMIRABLE on my part, but unfortunately for me my HONESTY backfired on me, & since I had wisely decided to say "FK IT" to CL & all the stupid FLAGGING that constantly takes place on that site I was back to square one!)

For reasons I will NEVER know that "Switch" never contacted me again.  (I actually enjoyed the relatively INNOCENT things I did with this "Switch" inside the mall & inside his car IN BROAD DAYLIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE MALL PARKING LOT more than I had ever enjoyed MOST of the "Real Sex" I'd EVER had with any person throughout my entire life-Kind of SAD, hna, but NOBODY HAD EVER SUCKED, LICKED, & BITTEN MY FEET/TOES BEFORE IN MY LIFE, so there's your VERY VALID explanation for the aforementioned "confession" on my part....  LOL)

Had that "Switch" been interested I would have definitely gotten together with him again & DONE MORE with him than I had done with him the first time he & I met.  Had Mr. Stud who responded to my CL ad simply decided to "go with the flow", fulfill my little "fantasy", & even get paid for doing so it may or may not have led to "MORE" in the FUTURE (depending upon how well he & I hit it off), but I bet it still would have been FUN FOR HIM in & of itself!!!!!  The point I'm trying to make here is that the "Switch" probably just decided that he didn't like me enough to see me again, but he was at least open minded enough to meet me & take part in my little "proposition" whereas the CL guy who probably thought that I would give in & screw him despite what my DETAILED ad had specifically stated to the contrary was not even willing to make the effort once SEX WAS COMPLETELY TAKEN OFF THE TABLE=He was a FKING IDIOT-Just because I wasn't gonna sleep with him THE FIRST FKING TIME I MET HIM didn't mean that I would NEVER sleep with him.  I TEST men ON PURPOSE, & that CL guy FAILED MY TEST-MISERABLY! 

P.S.  I'm really not at all a DOMINANT human being, but I really, really, really, (even to the point where I'd be willing to PAY THE RIGHT GUY) want/ACHE to to be massaged SAFELY IN PUBLIC by a man whom I am at least somewhat attracted to-That last part is key here, Folks-I NEED to be attracted to the guy in order for this "fantasy" of mine to work, & (of course) the guy has to also be fairly good at & super "into" giving massages=It's HIGHLY UNLIKELY that any DOMINANT man out there WHOM I WAS ACTUALLY INTERESTED IN HAVING TOUCH ME would ever agree to do this type of "submissive" thing to me, so FOR THAT REASON ALONE I decided (awhile back) to list myself as a "Switch" rather than to list myself as a straight out "Submissive"...  (THE END)

8/5/13

***I'm severely depressed & my room's a fking mess!

I bought 2 adorable skirts today at Express.  I grabbed the first skirt in size 12 (the usual size I wear in pants/shorts), & the size 12 was too big:  This skirt that neither had an elastic waistband nor came with a belt was practically falling off of me, so I GLADLY tried on an identical skirt in a size 10 that fit me perfectly=That kind of made my day.  I wound up spending $170 total at Express, but $90 of that was the amount I spent on one size 10 skirt for $60 & another size 10, similar style, skirt for 50% off of $60.  Both of the skirts I purchased today are short & sexy, but not in a slutty way.  (Maybe I'll take pictures of me in both skirts & upload those pictures out here?)

Last Saturday I paid a young, hot, stud $100 to sensuously massage me on the beach for an hour.  After the aforementioned young, hot, stud had PAMPERED me for a full hour he remained there with me for 30 minutes longer, but I was GREEDY & wished he could have stayed there on the beach with me all day...  (I had difficulty simply RELAXING during my massage=If I ever was about to take part in something similar to the public beach massage "experience" I took part in last Saturday I think that I would get slightly tipsy ahead of time?)

Lest anybody reading this think I'm RICH or something let me set the record straight:  I'm not even remotely rich.  The SAFE, public, massage I received last Saturday was MY ONE TIME GIFT TO ME-a GIFT I gave to myself in lieu of getting a slightly less expensive (but not NEARLY AS FUN & ENJOYABLE for me) regular, professional, massage that I knew would HURT, & that definitely would not have included any "perks" like neck kissing, ear licking, & "dirty talk"...  (LOL)

***I spent TOO MANY lost years of my life with a fking BASTARD, & now (especially since I miraculously managed to LOSE the 70 pounds that I had gradually gained throughout those "lost years" of my life) it's like I've been REBORN:  This "Dating Website" shit that I enjoy taking part in in & of itself provides me with a SAFE venue where I can express myself online & "occasionally" test the waters via my actually meeting/interacting with REAL LIVE MEN in person...  (LOL)

My beloved to me aunt whom I loved very much lost her 19 month battle with Pancreatic Cancer earlier this afternoon.

***One of these "fine" days when I'm BORED I'm actually gonna take the time to sort through the multitudes (maybe 100 by now-IDK) of men who have contacted me over these past few months since I first became a member of this site & find out EXACTLY how many of the men who contacted me did not have profile pictures of themselves posted??????  (It actually AMUSES the sht out of me that any guy on this planet ON ANY online "DATING WEBSITE" thinks I'm gonna be interested in him when I do not have one GD CLUE what he looks like, & my HOT FEMALE FRIEND who has been going through the same types of online experiences 100% FEELS the same way I feel?)  THE END

***  Been going through too much of what can only be referred to as TOTAL KAKA lately, but NOTHING short of injury or illness that comes my way & fks with my life & psyche possesses the ability to prevent me from EXERCISING & maintaining my HOT BODY that I fought tooth & nail to regain...  I weighed myself this morning, & I am OFFICIALLY the EXACT WEIGHT (160 pounds) that I WAS 12 YEARS AGO (even if I am 12 years older & more than a little worse for wear "appearance wise") before I moved to LA & UNFORTUNATELY moved in with "him"...

***I got my eyebrows PROFESSIONALLY shaped today (for $50 + $10 tip)=Something I'd never had done before but had always wanted to do.  Soon I intend to get what is referred to as a California Bikini Wax (haven't gotten a bikini wax in over 15 years-I chose to do the PAINLESS shave/trim deal for all these years, but I feel that my brand new body, brand new sexy Indigo blue Bikini, & much improved financial situation calls for something "different" taking place "down there"  LOL).  I got my hair done last week.  I'm planning on getting fake nails (not too long) for the first time ever in my life, & I'm definitely gonna look into getting a professional teeth whitening procedure done in a dentist office:  Just like Alan on Two & a Half Men pointed out one time:  When you have MONEY you have CHOICES & FREEDOM, & while I'm definitely not rich by any means I now have more money at my disposal than I've ever had in my life.  I also don't engage in any of the vices (like cigarette smoking, drugs, or drinking) that quickly eat through million's of people's funds, so I have some extra money money to "play around with, & I admittedly REALLY, REALLY, ENJOY "playing around" with IMPROVING UPON MY PHYSICAL APPEARANCE... (:

I haven't been out on this site in awhile=I've been BUSY (& not busy dating/getting laid in case you're "wondering" whether or not my LONG TIME, self chosen, celibacy* is still intact)?   LOL  My aunt is definitely gonna DIE soon, & my mother has been driving me nuts (more so than usual for her), but under the circumstances I need to at least try really hard to cut my mother some slack seeing as I know that neither my mother nor I are gonna handle it very well when my aunt finally exits this earthly realm for good...

*I probably think about sex as often as most men do, but I have a little thing called SELF CONTROL & DISCIPLINE that far too many human beings lack in abundance.  I busted my ass FOR YEARS to get back in shape after my having gained a total of 72 pounds by the time my last so called relationship had finally ended for good.  I don't smoke cigarettes.  I eat healthy for the most part.  I exercise regularly, & I temporarily quit drinking completely=I'm "picky" & "selective" because I can be due to the simple fact that I'm 100% used to "going without".  I know what I want, & I'm done settling for less.  (I'd HONESTLY rather be alone.)

***I traveled (via various forms of public transportation) VERY FAR to get my hair cut & styled yesterday.  (My hair is still long=It just looks NICER-I'll take some new pics of me & post those pics out here ASAP.)  Next on my "List" is a non Brazilian bikini wax & a professional eyebrow shaping.  Some time this Summer I'm planning on traveling to LA (& taking my good friend with me for both COMPANY & MORAL SUPPORT) so that I can FINALLY retrieve my life's worth of ORIGINAL writings that I've been paying a small monthly fee to KEEP SAFE for a long time now:  I understandably wish to have my 100+, filled, hard cover, journals, probably close to 1000 completed & uncompleted poems/songs, & thousands of loose sheets of paper that I've written thoughts/idea on throughout my life (as well as some other miscellaneous crap that matters to me) WITH ME here in Ma-NOT 3000 miles away, regardless of whether or not I can afford to pay that "small, monthly, fee" INDEFINITELY...

(Speaking of PICS-I'm beyond sick of men on ANY "Dating Website" NOT having profile pictures of THEMSELVES posted yet still thinking I'm actually gonna respond back to the messages they send to me.)

FOR THE RECORD:  I 100% have a "Split Personality", but it is a TRUE "Split Personality" in that BOTH sides of me are equally as POWERFUL but are undeniably the complete opposite of one another.  This is MOST DEFINITELY NOT a case of "Multiple Personality Disorder"=I'm FULLY AWARE at all times of what's gong on inside of me, what I'm doing, etc, & I pretty much know WHY I am the way I am & have been for a very long time...

BTW:  I can't be "fixed" if that's what you're thinking right now?  I simply need to FINALLY find a man who is 100% capable of ACCEPTING/LOVING all sides of me, & the following is a perfect example of said "Split Personality".  The lyrics below are to a rather long song called "Tell Me It Will Be OK" that I wrote when I was 15 (& I should STRESS AGAIN that NOBODY in my entire family either cared then or really cares now about my practically LIFELONG TALENT-LIFELONG GIFT for writing):

Sometimes I cry for no reason at all
The little things just bring out the tears
Crying for the world & the suffering
Thinking about the lonely years

I wonder at the people that go through life
Acting like they don't care
They think they're so tough
But is it enough
Never having a thing to share

Now (since it's supposed to storm out very badly later on today/tonight) I think I'm gonna go out on my 4.6 mile POWER WALK much earlier than I usually do, & I while I'm out on my long, intense, POWER WALK (& dressed in a sexy, little, shorts & top combo) I will be absolutely reveling in the music of Motley Crue, Saving Abel (an AWESOME group I just discovered yesterday via Amazon's "suggestions" for me), Kid Rock, Aerosmith, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Buckcherry, Linkin Park, Jet, Limp Bizkit, Van Halen, The White Stripes, & The Who (just to name a few that SADLY don't include AC/DC because I couldn't PURCHASE AC/DC songs like I wanted to do). 

Compare my 100% ORIGINAL, FROM THE HEART (& yes, it's 29 years later, & I still feel EXACTLY the same way) song lyrics above with the paragraph I just wrote, & I REST MY CASE.  (THE END)

FOR THE RECORD: I am OFFICIALLY (although I'm sure I'll gain back at least 1-3 pounds as soon as I start eating REGULARLY again) 160.8 on my mother's accurate digital scale. (Now, I intend to go whip up one of my delicious, homemade, smoothies that I can't wait to put into my completely empty, rumbling, belly...)

So, I weighed 163.4 lbs (10x naked & on a completely EMPTY stomach) this morning, & in lieu of going on my usual (although definitely not a 7x per week thing) 4.6 mile POWER WALK* I'm FASTING AGAIN all day today simply because I CAN (reason I do a lot of things in life).  LOL

*I NEVER exercise that hard when I'm weak from FASTING on only lemon water alternated every hour with Anne Luise's Christmas Cleanse brew, but later on I MIGHT at least walk a total of 2 miles to the store & back, & NO MATTER WHAT I will definitely be taking Omar out for his 35-40 minute "Walkie Walkie".  (:

Far too many people on this planet are deceitful on a regular basis, & for the most part, I ALWAYS tell the truth.  This innate facet of my personality kind of leaves me at a tremendous disadvantage in life, doesn't it?  I KNOW that it does but I simply can't be any other way & continue wanting to "be" at all...  (THE END)

More lyrics for a "potential" song*:

I truly believed that he
just had to be

my long awaited by me "Soul Mate"

Too bad for me
that he ultimately

turned out to be
little but "Evil Incarnate"...

*I apologize for NOTHING-least of all for being "picky" out on this alternative "dating website" or on any other "dating website"=As far as I'm concerned now & have really ever been concerned for that matter this world is a JOKE!

*For FAR TOO MANY sad & 100% VALID reasons I haven't actually written a COMPLETE song/poem in quite some time.  ):

I just returned from my 4.6 mile POWER WALK.  Now my mother & I have to take Angel & Omar for "Walkie Walkie".  To those of you who have paid me such wonderful compliments & PRAISED my nearly 45 year old body-This body that it took me YEARS of hard work/discipline to FINALLY regain it's former mid 1990's- 2002 "glory", I wanted you to know that I am 100% ALL NATURAL.  I have NEVER had any work done on my body-NONE*!  Even if I had wanted to get a little plastic surgery (& the ONLY thing I would have MAYBE wanted was a little "boost" in the chest area), I would not have been able to afford to do so=I have HONESTLY NEVER had any money to speak of.  I grew up POOR, & as an adult I have always lived paycheck to paycheck until very recently:  I am currently not rich by any means, but I am "Richer" than I've ever been in my life...

*I ALSO have NEVER smoked cigarettes (except for a puff or 2 once in a while at college parties because my college friends told me that taking a hit off of a regular cigarette when you didn't smoke cigarettes would "supposedly" get you high when you were drinking)=A lot of people (even total strangers) who get to see me "up close & personal" think that I look at least 10 years younger than I actually am.  (I "wonder" how old that "Switch" whom I SLIGHTLY fooled around with a month ago BECAUSE I LIKED HIM & WAS DEFINITELY SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO HIM thought I looked?)  Anyway, it's a WELL KNOWN FACT that smoking cigarettes & drinking booze in excess ages you/causes face wrinkles=At some point while I was busy getting back into shape I eventually quit drinking all together.  This doesn't mean that I'll never drink again.  I probably will "someday" drink again SOCIALLY, but now that I'm FOREVER FREE from the human being with whom I was drinking TOO MUCH/TOO OFTEN I feel absolutely no desire to drink unless some special occasion (that preferably includes loads of fast dancing) happens to come up...

Before she went to bed earlier this evening my mother (who had taken a nap & "apparently" woken up in tears) said to me (& I quote)  "I still don't understand why God didn't heal her"?  Well, Momma, completely setting aside the FACT that I do not believe in God (at least not in the traditional sense that you do & she does), "God" DOES NOT HEAL EVERYONE WHO BELIEVES IN HIM!  Even young children DIE (sometimes horribly), Mom.  "Good, Christian, Folk" are NOT ALWAYS (or even often) SPARED from dying before they reach 100 years of age-Sorry to have to break that to ya, mom.  And I'm BEYOND sorry that your BELOVED sister is gonna DIE very soon!  I LOVE her too, but not as deeply as you love her.  At least you & I KNOW FOR A FACT (& even she would back us up on this one) that unlike you did or I did she lived a really, really, really, good life-a BETTER LIFE than so many people get to live, and she 100% believes that when she dies she's gonna be with her Lord for all of eternity, so she gets to have that CERTAINTY that brings her the type of inner PEACE that eludes so many of we human beings who don't even remotely have w/in us that type of certainty & PEACE, Mom.  She lived a really good life, Mom.  It SUCKS that she couldn't live to be really old, but you & I both know that the life she did get to live was BLESSED...  (I didn't say these exact words to my poor, sad, mother tonight, but I've "hinted" around at all of this on different occasions that my mother & I have discussed my aunt's impending departure from this earthly existence=My mother knows EXACTLY how I feel.)

Potential song lyrics* I wrote earlier this evening:

I'm the girl you have a lot of fun with
I'm not the girl you EVER fall in love with
You do that-it's at your own peril
& you can't accuse me of shootin that arrow

*I come up with melodies to a lot of my songs, as well, but I don't read or write music, play any type of musical instrument, or sing very well (although I've ALWAYS LOVED TO SING for my own PLEASURE)...

***I just saw & ABSOLUTELY LOVED the deep, complex, utterly cerebral & FASCINATING to me film "The Great Gatsby" (based on a FAMOUS novel that I most likely read in college but can't remember if I read or not), but I can watch & LOVE JUST AS MUCH an action movie like "Source Code" (for example):  Obviously, I have a lot of different "sides" to me=Only "certain men" could EVER even handle me, & I KNOW FOR A FACT that only a FRACTION of those "certain men" would even think I was worth the trouble...  (LOL)

(I'm PROBABLY not even submissive-at least not in the way that MOST DOMINANT MEN on this site definitely seem to want their "submissive women" to be.)

***I just looked it up.  It's actually only a little less than 47 degrees out today=FUCK!  It's the END OF MAY!  I already had to SUFFER through this past HORRIBLE WINTER (& so did Omar) after he & I had both been living in LA (where he was born on 2/16/07, & where I had moved to in 2001) FOR YEARS!  I want it HOT OUT-THE HOTTER THE BETTER!  47 degrees out at the end of May is ridiculous!  I WANT it to be 80 degrees out EVERY DAY!!!!!!!!!!!  (LOL)

See guys-There's NO RHYME OR REASON to anything:  The last 2 or 3 times I did the identical 1 day FAST that I did yesterday I only weighed 2 pounds less the next day after I did the fast, yet this morning (while naked & before eating/drinking anything) I weighed 162.8 (10 X on ACCURATE digital scale that my mother also weighs herself on & that I sometimes step on fully clothed first while I'm not holding Omar & then while I am holding Omar so that I can see what Omar weighs).  So, this time my weight dropped nearly 4 pounds as a result of my TORTURING myself for an entire day!  (It's just water weight-guys-it comes back-like I already told you, but "occasionally" doing these all day fasts KEEPS ME DISCIPLINED-KEEPS ME IN LINE-KEEPS ME FOCUSED ON MY GOAL TO REMAIN THIN after I spent YEARS slowly getting back the body I had lost along with LOSING myself FOR YEARS!)  Today I'm gonna "cool it"* with eating too much.  For my breakfast I'm gonna make one of my homemade smoothies (I small container of Pomegranate Greek yogurt, 1 small container of Blueberry Activia yogurt, a splash of orange juice & skim milk, 2 bananas, & LOADS of frozen cherries/blueberries) for my Momma & I to split because she (who managed to gradually lose a little over 20 pounds WITH MY HELP & "EXPERTISE") absolutely LOVES my homemade smoothies that I had never made before in my life until just a couple of months ago...

*with the EXCEPTION of a DELICIOUS snack of 12 unsalted almonds & one small package of M&Ms (healthy mixed with decadent) that I intend to ENJOY EVERY LAST MORSEL OF (& LICK my fingers afterward) while I'm watching a movie with my mom & her friend today...

***When I look at old pictures of 232 pound "L" not only do I understandably CRINGE but also I feel absolutely NO GUILT whatsoever about anything, particularly since I'm not breaking any law to speak of or doing anything "wrong" except for in the eyes of my family (both sides) who want me to be a "good, little girl" & keep my "pretty, little, mouth" shut about all the "things" that my family (both sides) want kept SILENT FOREVER!  But unfortunately for my "family" I am & have always been a writer (not that ANYBODY in my family except for my mother has ever acknowledged me as such), & writers (the type of writer I am, anyway) TALK about everything-Even about the "bad stuff" that the rest of the world wants to sweep under the rug & pretend didn't/doesn't happen...

(I don't know if the name of the black pug I met the other night when I was out on my usual 4.6 mile POWER WALK was "Night" or "Knight", but his owner told me that she got him from a place that takes in unwanted animals, & I told her that 6 years ago my then boyfriend & I bought "baby" 7 week old Omar from a married couple who owned only 2 pugs who had babies once in a while.  (I ALWAYS run up to anybody I see out walking a pug, but one time this kind of creepy guy gave me a dirty look when I ran up to him & started gushing over his pug & telling him all about my Omar, so I kind of slunk away from this pug & his owner as quickly as I could...)

I'm FASTING all day again today (5/25/13) on ONLY lemon water alternated every hour with Anne Luise's "Christmas Cleanse" brew.  I weighed 166.6 this morning when I was naked & hadn't eaten or drunk anything.

RE:  "L" Always trying to look good=I have to at least "try" to compensate for the fact that I have a lot of "problems", & I know that in the eyes of many men (not the majority of men, of course, but I only need to find ONE DECENT ONE who floats my boat) my looking really good/SEXY can in fact make up for NUMEROUS THINGS that I admittedly lack in "other areas"...  (THE END)

"In a world that's ugly and a lie
It's hard to even want to try
And I'm beginning to think baby you don't know" (Mathew Sweet)

***Even when the entire world is making me SAD my adorable pug dog Omar always manages to do something that makes me SMILE.

***Why I LOVE the old episodes of Two & a Half Men:  I LOVE honesty!  I LOVE it when people are simply honest about who they are.   As FLAWED human beings go, BOTH Charlie & Alan are right up there, but at least (for the most part) neither of these 2 very different brothers are PHONY, & we the viewers get to know every dirty detail about both of them!!!!.  I also LOVE how the characters in this show are so unbelievably open & upfront about all aspects of sex & sexuality (even masturbation).  It's a SLOW process but I will eventually get through with watching (via Netflix) EVERY episode of Two & a Half men.  (Season 4 disk 2 arrived in the mail today, but I was out doing necessary crap ALL DAY today & WALKING A LOT=I'm beyond exhausted, so while I intend to do some major stretching on the living room rug while season 4 disk 2 of Two & a Half men is playing on the TV in front of me I know for certain that I won't be able to stay awake & continue watching this DVD once I finish stretching...

Sacred

I exist in a sacred place
I exist in a sacred place
Kiss warm lips that would never say
Inside I am wasting away

I insist
that you let me stay
Cause when I try to swim upstream
I'm washed away

Isolation comforts me
Inside my head
my dreamed reality

I Live & Die here
I Live & Die here
I Live & Die here
Live & Die here
Live & Die here...

L.A.P. 15+ years ago

ALL human beings who are old enough & fortunate enough to have "working parts" can give themselves one of "those".  I ACHE to finally experience sexually that which I have SADLY never experienced sexually in my life:  I WANT to be TEASED (& not just behind closed doors)!  When I met with that "Switch" 3 Saturdays ago I got just a "taste" of what I had been missing out on sexually my entire adult life, & now I've decided that if I can't have what I want from a man in bed then I would simply rather be all alone because it's just not worth it to me, anymore, especially since I'm not in any manner whatsoever ISO a "Serious Boyfriend" or "LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP"* (those types of life changing scenarios where I have ALWAYS had to sacrifice fantastic physical compatibility in favor of fantastic MENTAL COMPATIBILITY, since I could NEVER find BOTH in any man, & I've ALWAYS had to CHOOSE which one meant more to me).  At least this site (unlike other more "vanilla" dating sites) gives you some indication of what any particular person on here might be like in the sack?  (I also have ZERO interest in "sleeping around", so I guess I'm looking for something in between the 2 extremes?)

Well I'll be DAMNED?  I'm "trying" to post something out here, & it won't allow me to post what I want to post, yet it will allow me to post "other things".  Never thought that this journal feature had a CENSORSHIP BUTTON, but "apparently" it does?  I was only talking about my pug dog & about how I bumped into a black pug last night while I was out on my 4.6 mile POWER WALK.  There must be some key word or 2 in my journal entry that is actually causing my entry to be rejected?  (HOW WEIRD?)

Words that EVERYONE on this planet should take to heart: Just because a certain person "understands" you or "gets" who you are & where you are coming from doesn't necessarily mean that that "certain person" actually likes or respects that which he is smart, deep, & aware enough to "get" or "understand":  I made some extremely bad choices in my "past life", & these "errors in judgement" on my part could have easily cost me my life or worse, but I'm a different person now, BECAUSE I HAVE TO BE. You think I give a rat's ass that I'm "Picky" (ie ACCUSED of being "Picky")? I LAUGH at anybody out there (especially certain people in my so called family who actually think that they are gonna be able to have any CONTROL over or have ANY SAY AT ALL in what a free thinking, full grown, adult like me CHOOSES to do or say) who actually thinks that (deep down) I give a Rat's Ass about what anybody on this "God" forsaken planet thinks of me: "God forbid you ever had to walk a mile in his shoes-Cause then you really might know what it's like to sing the blues" (Everlast)

***When life hands you lemons you can either use a sharp knife to slice open those lemons & make a nice, big, batch of lemonade OR use that knife to slice open your own______  (The CHOICE is yours?)

"Now I know why you wanna hate me
(Why you wanna hate me?)"  Limp Bizkit

"WHAT DOESN'T KILL YOU MAKES YOU STRONGER"  (Kelly Clarkson)

***In a "perfect world" I would have a car & be able to drive all sorts of places to easily meet in person men I get to know "online", but we don't live in a "Perfect World" (far from it-just ask Jaycee Dugard whose INCREDIBLE autobiography I read not too long ago, or Amanda Berry who FINALLY escaped her HORRIBLE SITUATION, as well), & I'm doing the best I can with what I have to work with...  (THE END)

RE:  My poor, sick, aunt's impending PERMANENT EXIT from this planet that she so DESPERATELY wishes to remain on for much longer than SADLY is going to be the case:  I have to keep repeating to myself variations of the following sentences:  "Everybody DIES, L", "People DIE all the time, "L, "You have just NEVER personally had anybody you TRULY Loved/Cared deeply for DIE ON YOU, & you aren't coping very well with any of it, L-that's all".

***I'm thinking that maybe I will look into how I can HIRE a really HOT MALE ESCORT-not for actual sex (a woman who looks the way I look would NEVER have to PAY for "that"), but to simply do to me EXACTLY what that "Switch" I met with 24 days ago "did to me"?  IDK-It's a "thought"?  (Now it's time for me to take a shower, shave, wash/dry my hair, get dressed, grab my "security blanket"-the Sony mp3 player that BLASTS loud Alternative/Classic Rock music into my ears while I'm busy making this already smokin bod of mine even HOTTER, & then head off to meet my mother at the grocery store that's over a mile away from here where I sit & endlessly "wonder" what it ALL FKING MEANS?

4:30 p.m. "update":  My mother & I went grocery shopping today.  I ultimately walked my usual 4.6 miles, but I split my POWER WALK into segments consisting of "before I reached the grocery store" & "after I finished grocery shopping"=My legs felt/feel fine.  I just NEED to do a lot of stretching tonight while I'm busy watching Season 4 disk 1 of Two & a Half Men with my mom AFTER I take Omar out for a leisurely 35 minute "Walkie Walkie"...

It takes TOO MUCH to even slightly CALM DOWN my constantly thinking brain, & that's why I NEED the "shallow stuff":  The NON "Shallow Stuff" of this existence "KILLS" me on a daily basis...

(I don't BELONG HERE, yet "here" I MIRACULOUSLY still am...)

"He" (a virtual stranger to me) WANTED to rub/kiss/lick/bite MY FEET-NOBODY had ever done that to me before*-It was "kind of" NICE (even if he did CHOOSE to never see me again)...   ):

*& I HONESTLY enjoyed the comparatively innocent things that took place between "him" & me a "million" times more than I EVER, EVER, EVER, enjoyed a single one of my LONG AGO "one night stands"=I WILL NEVER AGAIN PUT UP WITH THE SHIT I USED TO CONSTANTLY PUT UP WITH IN MY "PAST LIFE":  It's just not worth it to me anymore.  I'd rather simply be ALL ALONE...

(THE END)

Horrible about that MASSIVE TORNADO that hit Oklahoma yesterday, hna?

(Anything can happen to anybody at any time=We all just have to "try" to do the best we can while we are here...)

L

"I just want to LIVE while I'M ALIVE"...  (Bon Jovi)

To those myriad of "normal" folks out there (such as my LOVELY "auntie" who isn't the auntie slowly DYING of cancer) who would GLEEFULLY/VICIOUSLY accuse me of "Living in Fantasy Land", I have only ONE thing to say:  If "Living in FANTASY LAND" was the reason why I was able to achieve my goal of REGAINING the body that I had back in my "Glory Days" (back when I was EXPRESSING MYSELF in a variety of "interesting" ways & accruing thousands upon thousands of FANS across the world in the process) RATHER than instead winding up SIX FEET UNDER (like what really SHOULD have happened to me under the "bad circumstances" I was TRAPPED in for far too many years) then Here's to "FANTASY LAND", BABY-HERE'S TO FUCKING "FANTASY LAND" !!!!!  (LOL)

***My RANDOM "thoughts" while I was lying in my bed & trying to take a nap (impossible to do in the middle of the day with BOTH my mother AND "noisy dog 1 & 2" here in the house with me), & contemplating doing "other things":  One of my aunts (my mother's PRECIOUS sister) is gonna DIE very soon & the other aunt is my LONG TIME ENEMY=Where does this leave my POOR mother?  IDK?  What I do KNOW FOR SURE is this:  I wish to be with a man who is not SELFISH (either in or outside of the bedroom).  I wish to be with a man who CAN'T CONTROL HIMSELF around me-who can't keep his hands off of me.  I'm restless, BORED, & LONELY, & I want/NEED to simply feel DESIRED by a guy whom I can have lots, & lots, & lots of FUN with (& not just under the sheets or behind closed doors)...

Why are we even here
Why can't anybody else see what I see so clear
Wherever they're coming from
makes me want to run, & run, & run...

(I have ALWAYS had extremely TIGHT leg muscles=I could feel TOO MUCH tightness in my legs yesterday while I was out on my LONG POWER WALK, so I NEED to "cool it" just a bit with the INTENSE POWER WALKING I've been engaging in on a daily basis...)

On my way back home from my 4.6 mile POWER WALK I stopped at a local Redbox & rented a documentary called BULLY:  I was often BULLIED (teased/beat up) when I was in grade school (3rd, 4th, & part of 5th grade until my mother, stepfather, & I moved to a new neighborhood, & I attended a different school where my peers left me alone).  I was BULLIED (by some of my male/female classmates) for absolutely no reason at all, although a BULLY always has some reason or another for doing what he does to HURT OTHERS-It's just NEVER a valid reason.  In my case I was pretty, sweet, pathetically SHY, smart, taller than every boy/girl in my class, & (most importantly) NOT THE TYPE TO EVER FIGHT BACK!  (I was ALSO ALWAYS slightly chubby, although NEVER obese when I was a kid.)  Believe it or not, I still remember the first/last name of the cruel, little, twerp who wasn't one of the boys (my age & older) who sometimes hurt me physically back then but whose daily VERBAL TAUNTS of me "apparently" caused me to retain his full name (& not the FULL NAME of any of the other kids MY AGE OR OLDER who intentionally HURT ME when I was in grade school) permanently in my memory?  (I bet he'd be EATING HIS HEART out if he could see me now?)

He was just TOO GOOD
Brilliant, Gorgeous, Creatively Gifted, & knew "every trick in the book"
The end result is that I barely trust
Even my own mother now
What happened to me way back when
Will not EVER happen to me again

THIS I VOW
THIS I VOW
THIS I VOW

L.A.P. 5/20/13

*I would rather be ALL ALONE-FOREVER!

("The BEST of us can find HAPPINESS in MISERY"...  Fall Out Boy)

"You gave me life Now show me how to live"...  (Audioslave)  ALSO on L's mp3 player as of today.  (Bleed It Out by Linkin Park was on one of my OLD mp3 players that I still have-one where the mp3s started suddenly playing VERY SLOW-Made NO sense to me, but that's what happened.  Tech support couldn't give me an explanation, either, but the mp3 player radio still worked fine, so I deleted all the mp3s & kept the mp3 player just for its radio function.)

"Bleed It Out" WAS NOT on my last mp3 player that I'd been listening to for close to 2 years (the mp3 player that I unfortunately recently accidentally dropped into the sewer drain).  I'm not sure if "Bleed It Out" was on the mp3 player that I was listening to one day while I was a wee bit tipsy & relaxing in the outdoor jacuzzi (years ago-back in LA), & a fly that had landed on my bare arm STARTLED me so badly that I accidentally dropped my precious mp3 player into the jacuzzi water DESPITE my having repeatedly told myself that THERE WAS NO WAY IN HELL I WAS GONNA ACCIDENTALLY DROP MY MP3 PLAYER INTO THE JACUZZI WATER!!!!!  (How PATHETIC I felt-a FLY-a fucking FLY landed on my arm, & I wound up losing ALL of MY mp3 MUSIC as well as my mp3 player!)

Anyway, I hadn't heard "Bleed It Out" IN A VERY LONG TIME, & boy did that particular song get my legs moving & arms pumping today while I simply walked, & walked, & walked-reached the end-turned around-& walked, & walked, & walked again...

RE:  SECRETARY:  Just mailed it back to Netflix.  (Omar went to the mailbox with me.)  Although (interestingly enough) in my "past life" I NEVER had any problem whatsoever engaging in "Self Destructive Behavior" that could have QUITE EASILY led to my DEATH (or worse), I "thank "God" that I never had it in me (& NEVER would have it in me) to CUT MYSELF the way Lee often cut herself on various parts of her body.  (I "guess" I'm just too "vain" to ever want to ESCAPE PAIN in a manner that would permanently mar my creamy, white, skin?  LOL)

***This morning I put "BLEED IT OUT" (a song I had forgotten how much I LOVED) by Linkin Park on my mp3 player as well as several other songs by "various artists" (such as Limp Biscuit, & Disturbed), & now I'm gonna go on my 4.6 mile POWER WALK much earlier in the day than I've been going on said POWER WALK...

SECRETARY:  I watched part of this movie last night & part of it tonight.  (I still need to watch the rest of this movie & return it to Netflix tomorrow.)  My mother CHOSE to not watch this movie with me, & that's OK.  I rent via Redbox/get through my Netflix subscription LOADS of romantic, feel good, dramas, & LOADS of romantic comedies that my mother LOVES to watch with me, but as I BLUNTLY informed my mother while she & I were out walking the dogs earlier today:  I can't ONLY watch "nice" movies-I NEED my "Weird Movie" fix every once in awhile (& Secretary sure fits the bill on that one, plus it stars the delectable JAMES SPADER who starred in 2 of my all time favorite films, Sex, Lies, & Videotape & White Palace)!

A man who seems (to me, anyway) to be a DIE HARD submissive sent me a message in which he asked me (in what I 'imagine" was meant to be in an at least SLIGHTLY sarcastic way) why I was looking for a SUBMISSIVE if I was SUBMISSIVE?

This is actually a question that requires a great deal of thought on my part if I wish to ADEQUATELY answer said question, so while I was out on my 4.6 mile POWER WALK just now I thought SERIOUSLY about how I would answer this question to the best of my ability in a way which may or may not (depending upon what type of person YOU are & where your head is at right now) satisfy or make sense to any of you who may wish to ask me the same thing that guy asked me?

(Stay tuned for my answer-Right now my mother & I need to take Omar & Angel for "Walkie Walkie")

11:56 p.m. 5/17/13:  I went back & forth from watching SECRETARY to writing out on paper what I intend to type out here, but "In Summary" (before I get around to typing up 2-3 handwritten pages) what I would say to the aforementioned "Submissive man" or to ANYBODY who asked me something similar to what he asked me would (more or less) simply be this:  I've received messages from men who listed themselves as being DOMINANT yet were ACTIVELY ISO Submissive, Switch, AND DOMINANT women, so what the fuck is the difference between a Dominant man seeking a Dominant women or a submissive women seeking a submissive man?  I'm NOT actually seeking out a submissive man, anyway-I'm merely keeping my options open & leaving it up to ALL MEN out here to decide whether they wish to contact me or not?  (THE END)

Here's a "taste" of what I have written down on 2-3 pages of white lined paper:

I'm not DOMINANT, but I am wanting to take "things" very slow WITH ANY GUY-not because I am in any way, shape, or form looking for a "boyfriend", & not even because I don't EVENTUALLY hope to experience all those "things' I've only ever FANTASIZED about yet never experienced in "Real Life", but simply because I'm just NOT YET READY TO GIVE WHAT I KNOW MOST MEN WILL WANT FROM ME-I was in a BAD relationship for too long, & now I'm simply trying to get back my sexual confidence that was literally STOLEN from me= a Submissive man might not be what I would want in the long run, but submissive men (who I know get a great deal of PLEASURE simply out of giving other people PLEASURE, & would likely not be the types to AGGRESSIVELY try to FUCK ME before I was ready to do something like that with ANY GUY) are A HELL OF A LOT SAFER when it comes to what I want at first...

LIFE itself IS (& has ALWAYS been) very, very, very, "STRANGE" to me...

(THE END)

have to go get ready-My aunt is picking up my mother & I at 10 a.m.

Here come the TEARS, but my weak, sick, aunt can't have my mother & I in her home for too long=I will come back home in a couple of hours & "KILL" myself exercising (POWER WALKING for nearly 5 miles) while MINDLESS SHIT (like Aerosmith's new song "LOVER ALOT") blasts from my Sony mp3 player & into my eagerly awaiting ears)...

I MIGHT (if she's feeling up to it) be visiting (in her home) my aunt who has been (for 17 months) SLOWLY DYING from the Pancreatic Cancer that has now REALLY started ravaging her poor, already frail, body=I'm gonna be doing a lot of CRYING while I'm there today or "sometime" soon with my aunt, but my mother will be right there by my side, so she, & I, & my poor DYING aunt (who I used to be SUPER CLOSE to when I was younger, but she & I grew apart when she became SUPER RELIGIOUS & I became a "Wild Slut" who eventually left Ma all together & moved to LA) can ALL cry together...

Love Is Nothing

Love is nothing
Give me pleasure instead
I'm tired of letting
Love get inside of my head

I'm tired of knowing
What I've always known
Something inside me
Means I'll wind up alone

Love is nothing
When I can drown out the pain
Lift up my spirits
& keep myself sane

It's not worth the trouble
Of living in fear
Give in to the feeling
Then watch it disappear

Love is nothing
But an elusive thought
Can I ever grab it
Maybe-Maybe not

Filled up with envy
Maybe some grief
Want what others have
However brief

The feelings don't last
Smothered by hurt
Build up some trust
Then get thrown in the dirt

Dust myself off
& start to sing
Just F__K it all
Love Is Nothing...

by L.A.P 10/31/08

It takes TOO MUCH to even slightly CALM DOWN my constantly thinking brain, & that's why I NEED the "shallow stuff":  The NON "Shallow Stuff" of this existence "KILLS" me on a daily basis...

(I don't BELONG HERE, yet "here" I MIRACULOUSLY still am...)

"He" (a virtual stranger to me) WANTED to rub/kiss/lick/bite MY FEET-NOBODY had ever done that to me before-It was "kind of" NICE (even if he did CHOOSE to never see me again)...   ):

I can't accept things as they are

I don't believe that things will change
So I turn around & here I am
Back in the land of the strange  

Trying to fit in best I can

Always denying who I am

Play a role-Try not to scream  

When you know you're TRAPPED

in a HELLISH DREAM...   

(L.A.P. 12+ years ago)

RE "VANITY":  Damn right I'm "VAIN"=I gradually gained 72 pounds throughout my last LONG TERM "relationship", & WHILE I WAS IN MY 40's I MIRACULOUSLY managed to VERY SLOWLY drop 70 of those excess pounds I had been lugging around for years on my formerly THIN body.  Losing that much weight at the age I was & while under the constant STRESS I was under was literally the HARDEST thing I ever did in my life, & I DO NOT WANT TO EVER GO BACK to "THAT".  My so called "VANITY" (ie the PURE ENJOYMENT I get simply from looking really good again) is what will keep me DETERMINED/FOCUSED so that I never, ever, ever, allow myself to go back to "THAT" again...  (THE END)

***I just returned from my 4.6 mile POWER WALK at 5:00 p.m., & then my mother & I took Omar & her dog Angel out for a leisurely 25 minute walk that almost immediately caused Omar to start panting like crazy=Omar's a pug with a pushed in face, & dogs with pushed in faces have breathing "troubles" when it's very hot out like it was/is today.  Now I'm gonna go prepare tonight's HEALTHY dinner (that my Momma & I will be CHOWING DOWN on for the next 2 days until we get sick of eating it & decide to put the leftovers into the freezer for "another day") consisting of sauteed (in olive oil & olive oil flavored Pam non stick cooking spray) red, yellow, & orange peppers, onions, celery, & mushrooms that my mom spent HOURS slicing up, 2 packages of frozen zucchini, a pound or so of chicken thigh meat, 4 cups brown rice, a can each of Pinto, Kidney, & Black beans, & a variety of spices for FLAVOR...

I'm all soft & clean
even in those places (& spaces) "in between"
but it matters not much to me ya see
when I ain't got nobody APPRECIATING me

I'm all soft & clean
even in those places (& spaces) "in between"
but it matters not much to me ya see
when I ain't got nobody LOVING me...

(L.A.P.)   (:

According to tonight's news it's "supposed" to reach close to 80 degrees tomorrow=YEA-Will I FINALLY be able to wear shorts & SHOW OFF my long N lean legs that are the WONDERFUL end result of years, & years, & years of me WALKING EVERYWHERE*?  (LOL)

*I used to drive a "lifetime" ago.  I also LATER (a few years after my JUNK BOX car had finally bitten the dust) spent 6 years living with a man who had a car & drove us anywhere we needed to go.  The last guy I was with LONG TERM didn't drive=The last guy I was with LONG TERM didn't even remotely DESERVE a woman like me seeing as I looked the way I looked, didn't care at all about money, & honestly viewed taking buses with him EVERYWHERE as an "adventure" right up until he UNFORTUNATELY "morphed" into a fking prick right in front of my astonished eyes...  (Come to think of it the "signs" were there right from the start-I was just a GD, FUCKING, BLIND, FOOL.)  HONESTLY, though, I have never really cared about the fact that I didn't drive=I'm NOT your "normal" woman (as I've already pointed out)...

Earlier this evening I had a MAJORLY FUNNY "blond moment":  I was watching Season 3 disk 3 of Two & a Half Men (LOVE laughing my ass off watching this show, but definitely wouldn't want either Charlie or Alan as my "BOYFRIEND") with my mom, but then I switched over to regular TV at 7:00 p.m. to see if I had already seen that particular episode of Two & a Half Men?  I hadn't seen that particular episode so I started watching it, but when I missed something one of the characters had said I picked up the DVD remote & couldn't for the life of me understand why the REWIND button wasn't working?  I actually started getting REALLY PISSED OFF (truth be told), so I ANGRILLY removed the DVD remote's batteries & put them back in a couple of times before I SHEEPISHLY realized (& immediately told my mom all about) the "boo boo" I had made...  (LOL)

My usual curious nature prompted me to want to know the age & height of the stunningly beautiful, sex pot, actress who played Alan's IDIOT girlfriend Kandi on Two & a Half Men, so I Googled the actress's name & found out that she's now 33 years old AND anywhere from 5'7-5'10.  This standard 2-3 inch discrepancy in height that seems to exist when it comes to nearly every celebrity (male & female) out there sparked the usual irritation I feel when I'm unable to find out the "REAL" height of any particular celebrity:  I KNOW FIRSTHAND that it isn't only famous people who LIE about how tall they are=Regular people (of both genders) LIE all the time about how tall they "really" are, & this is FINE with me-LIE all you fucking want to about your "real" height so long as you do not get MAD at me for telling you the TRUTH!  (I just posted the comment below out on some website that was discussing this "near & dear to my heart" subject matter.  LOL)

***The VERY PERSONAL reason I care that far too many people (of both genders) "in general" (not just celebrities) LIE about how tall they "really" are is because I don't LIE about how tall I am, & I have on more than one occasion in my life been accused (by both genders) of LYING in the opposite direction (ie saying that I was SHORTER than I really was)=I UNDERSTANDABLY don't particularly like it when people who are practically strangers to me either want to believe or truly do believe that they are taller than they really are so they actually get MAD at me for vehemently insisting that I am 5'9 1/2 IN BARE FEET!!!!!

Did I "happen' to mention that I can't FKING wait until it is 80 degrees out EVERY SINGLE DAY??????  (What's with it being so damn COLD here in Ma in the middle of May?)

FOR THE RECORD:  I know that I'm STRANGE.  Some people on this planet are simply "different".  The character of Sheldon on "The Big Bang Theory" is definitely "different", but he still has FRIENDS who CARE about him!   The QUIRKY character of Mary from the movie "All About Steve" WITHOUT QUESTION falls into the category of "strange", "eccentric", "different", etc, but LOADS of TOTAL STRANGERS wind up LOVING Mary & her "quirks" by the time that movie has reached it's HAPPY conclusion.  My "difference" doesn't negate either my intelligence or my creative gifts (or my looks for that matter), & people on this planet who DON'T LIKE ME can simply stay away from me=Nobody on this planet has to be MEAN to other people who are merely "different" from them-NOBODY!

Today I purchased Stop & shop brand Blueberry/Pomegranate Greek Frozen Yogurt with which to make a different kind of smoothie (since I usually use plain old Vanilla Greek Frozen yogurt in my fruit smoothies when I'm in the mood for a more delicious FROZEN TREAT than one that contains regular fruit flavored Greek yogurt rather than FROZEN Greek Yogurt that is similar to ICE CREAM but with less fat/calories).  ***I have now officially added this delicious (& my mom thinks so too) Stop & Shop brand of Blueberry/Pomegranate Greek Frozen Yogurt to my list of foods that I absolutely fucking LOVE!!!!!!  (I also ultimately wound up POWER WALKING today for a total of 6.6 miles-just not all at once.)

How's this for a CONUNDRUM:  I'm currently paying $35 per month for a storage unit in LA.  This storage unit contains thousands of my loose papers, notebooks, 100+ filled, hard cover, journals, probably close to 100 filled DVD-R disks, hundreds of cassette tapes & video cassettes, books, magazines, every letter/card I've ever received in my entire life, copies of a significant # of the letters/notes I've sent/given to friends/family throughout my life, & miscellaneous stuff.  ALL my original WRITINGS (that span nearly my entire life), & ALL letters/cards I've received from family/friends throughout my life MORE THAN MATTER TO ME, so I WILL CONTINUE TO PAY TO KEEP THIS STORAGE UNIT INDEFINITELY, but I don't want to have to do that=It's not the $35 I've been paying every month that's upsetting to me-It's the fact that I want & need CLOSURE:  I don't want MY ORIGINAL WRITINGS (poetry, songs, essays) sitting in a large, locked, box that is located mere minutes away from where my ex & his mother PROBABLY STILL LIVE (although I don't know this for sure).  What I WANT to do is to fly to LA & mail back to MA all my boxes that contain any of my stuff that MATTERS to me.  I have the financial means to fly to LA, empty out my storage unit, & mail to my mother's home a whole bunch of medium sized boxes filled with my stuff, but unfortunately, I FEAR that if I go & do this thing that I need to do IN ORDER FOR ME TO FINALLY HAVE CLOSURE I may very well run into my ex, and/or his "Devout Christian" mother, and/or other people I knew in my "past life".  I truly do want CLOSURE on this, but I really, really, really, don't want to do this all alone.  My good female friend offered to be my travel companion on this little "adventure" I'm thinking about going on SOON, but I really don't want to get her involved, so what I was thinking of doing was finding out AHEAD OF TIME exactly how I would go about HIRING some sort of not too expensive, male (preferably of the large & buff variety) body guard to keep me company & ensure that neither my ex, nor his mother, nor any of their family/friends would DARE come w/in 50 feet of me even if any of those aforementioned people did happen to notice my presence back on their "turf" while I was busy traveling to & from the post office (or UPS) to mail all of my boxes back to my mom's.

"The best of us can find happiness in misery" (lyrics from an OLD Fall Out Boy song that I recently purchased from Amazon & put on my mp3 player):  This song along with "certain songs" by various MOSTLY Classic Rock/Alternative Rock artists like Kid Rock, Aerosmith, Eagles, Bob Seger, The Black Crowes, Bon Jovi, Def Leppard, Ted Nugent, Heart, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Fleetwood Mac, Foreigner, Georgia Satellites, The Greg Kihn Band, The Guess Who, Van Halen, Mathew Sweet, & White Stripes will SOON (in the next 10 minutes or so) be BLASTING in my ears while I go on my usual POWER WALK (that sometimes gets cut into segments when I take breaks to stop at stores & whatnot, but it's the TOTAL amt of cardio activity a person engages in that counts-not how long a person engages in a certain cardio activity for any given period of time=Even my DAILY, 30-40 minute, non strenuous, walks with Omar COUNT a TEENSY bit towards my TOTAL...)  (:

Re:  My cool ass female friend who UNFORTUNATELY smokes those despicable to me "cancer sticks" that give me a slight (but certainly bearable) headache when she smokes them around me:  She tells funny stories that cause me to practically pee my pants laughing.  She isn't at all CATTY like SADLY far too many women can often be when it comes to other women.  She doesn't drive, so I know that she sure as FUCK won't ever be RIDICULING the fact that I don't drive.  She doesn't take any shit from anybody, & she oozes confidence from every pore.  I know FOR SURE that she TRULY CARES ABOUT ME (although I'm not always sure why she does), & last (but certainly not least) she's SMART as hell, deep, aware, & HIGHLY SEXUAL.  All totaled up, she's fucking REAL-not fake-not phony-REAL, & I can simply BE MYSELF around her (something that I LOVE more than anything-I CAN SIMPLY BE MYSELF WHEN I'M AROUND HER)...  

FOR THE RECORD:  I wouldn't want to sleep with her but I did half jokingly tell her that she had a lot of qualities that I would actually want in a MALE LOVER-I also "shared" with her every last "dirty detail" about my "date" with that guy who "apparently" didn't like ME enough to want to see me again=Her blase response, "There are plenty more where that one came from", & she's RIGHT!!! (LOL)

Just watched a movie called "A Little Bit of Heaven".  This movie was actually the 3rd movie I've either rented from Redbox or selected to arrive in the mail via Netflix where the movie's theme was "Young woman finds out she's DYING of cancer & learns many valuable "LIFE LESSONS" while she's in the process of DYING"=I started "Occasionally" getting these types of movies for my mother to watch with me because MY MOTHER'S IRRATIONAL DENIAL of her beloved sister's impending DEATH via Pancreatic Cancer was not only driving me nuts but was also intensifying my own PAIN regarding my aunt's SLOW, but 100% inevitable DEATH from this DEADLY disease she was diagnosed with 17 months ago...   By getting some really good "YOUNG woman dying from cancer" movies for my mother to watch with me I basically FORCED MY MOTHER TO FACE REALITY=____is gonna DIE, Mom (& SOONER rather than later).  At least she lived a good life, Mom.  We ALL eventually DIE, Mom.  I know it HURTS to accept this TRUTH, Mom, but denial isn't healthy!  The first cancer themed DVD I got was a FANTASTIC movie called "Now Is Good".  The second one was a VERY GOOD (maybe not quite as fantastic in my eyes) movie called "The Guitar", & tonight's little gem (see title above) was quite SAPPY at times but still worth watching...

Things any person (male or female) who is AT ALL interested in getting to know me better (even just as a FRIEND) NEEDS to understand about me:  I have little interest in people telling other people how those "other people" SHOULD feel or SHOULD behave:  Although I can certainly TOLERATE a bit of sexy stubble on any intimate partner of mine I truly do PREFER MY MEN TO BE 100% CLEAN SHAVEN, & I will not EVER get involved with any man who has a beard, mustache, or both*!  As far as I'm concerned if there are certain "things" that you simply can't stand when it comes to whom you CHOOSE to have in your life-IN YOUR BED then it's just TOUGH SHIT for those IGNORANT people (as definitely was one of my FEMALE co workers at the Friendlies I worked at when I was in my early 20's) who "label" you SHALLOW for feeling the way that you do=TELL THAT SHIT TO SOMEBODY WHO GIVES ONE FLYING FUCK BECAUSE THAT "SOMEBODY" IS NOT NOW ME, HAS NEVER BEEN ME, & NEVER WILL BE ME!!!  (*Only VERY IGNORANT people are unable to grasp the fact that sometimes what "seems" to be an extremely "shallow attitude" in a person is really anything but, & that person may be behaving in such a "shallow" manner for very DEEP ROOTED, NON SHALLOW, reasons that he truly can't help...)

In a "nutshell":  It's undeniably true that FANTASTIC men smoke cigarettes &/or have beards/mustaches-I just CAN'T ever be anything more than FRIENDS with any of those possibly "fantastic" men, & I HONESTLY don't like to even be FRIENDS with people who smoke cigarettes, but I relatively recently became VERY CLOSE FRIENDS with a cool ass woman who just "happened" to smoke cigarettes=I LOVE her, so I put up with* the SMOKE that not only DISGUSTS ME but that I'm practically allergic to:  Why would I ever, ever, ever, CHOOSE to become involved in a situation like that when it came to a "potential" dating partner/LOVER of mine:  There are PLENTY of great guys out there who don't smoke cigarettes?  (DUH!)

*She "puts up" with my quirks/eccentricities & LOVES ME ANYWAY=What I do is I literally "pretend" the cigarette smoke AWAY-I use my STRONG WILL to simply force myself to not FEEL SICK when my friend smokes around me, but I sure as FUCK wouldn't ever get involved in a situation where I'd have to CONSTANTLY deal with that kind of SHIT in one of MY LOVERS!!!!

I returned home from my AWESOME, stress relieving, 4.6 mile POWER WALK, & then my mom & I took Omar & her Bichon Poo Angel for a leisurely 25 min walk.  Now it's time for me to spend about 20 minutes or so simply STRETCHING my long body out on the living room rug...

RE:  My aforementioned SELF CHOSEN, long time, celibacy=It's not like I haven't periodically "played" with certain select men (like I most definitely "played" with that guy I met with 2 Saturdays ago) during my period of self chosen celibacy.  It's just that I wasn't about to simply hop into bed with any guy who happened to strike my fancy-not when there was absolutely no guarantee that I wouldn't wind up with the same type of guy my ex had been.  How I felt was that why should I even "bother" taking it further than mere "playing" with any guy unless I KNEW FOR SURE that I was gonna get something REALLY GOOD out of the whole deal?  It's not like I was or am looking to experience nothing but a long string of "one night stands".  Those DAYS are long past over with for me, & I'm glad that they are=I'm "lucky" to even be alive right now (truth be told).  I had actually 100% planned to END my celibacy with a much older than me, "seemingly", kind & generous (in more ways than one) man back in 2011, but as it unfortunately turned out he was a fucking BASTARD who was more than likely cheating on a wife whom he had FALSELY led me to believe was 100% out of the picture...

***It was actually an online female friend of mine who suggested to me (a while back) that I might want to investigate collarme.com?  I HONESTLY had no idea that this nifty journal feature was a part of collarme.com, but since I live to write & writing is what has ALWAYS kept me alive (even if sometimes only barely) the journal feature on this site has made things a tad more "interesting" for me:  Being out here or even being out in cyberspace "in general" is a PLEASANT "diversion" for me.  Diversion from WHAT-you might ask me?  (Good question, but not one that I will EVER DIRECTLY ANSWER.)

BTW:  One of my so called FAMILY MEMBERS was actually the person who spit those VENOMOUS, CRUEL, words (mentioned in an earlier journal posting) at me a few years ago, & I would HONESTLY practically "kill" myself ENDLESSLY exercising/dieting FOREVER even were I doing so for NO OTHER REASON WHATSOEVER beyond MY INTENSE DESIRE to CONTINUOUSLY FUCKING SPITE "her" (whom I'm quite certain is SECRETLY fuming over my astonishing weight loss) along with EVERY LAST MEMBER ON THIS PLANET of "her kind"...  (THE END)    LOL

I got all ready to leave, but now I can't decide whether or not I actually NEED to wear a jacket (something I prefer to NEVER do if I don't have to)?  While I was sitting on the toilet the following thought (that PERIODICALLY "digs" at me) popped into my head yet again, so I decided to QUICKLY throw it out into the "Cosmos" & see if I FINALLY receive an answer that SATISFIES me:  A few years ago I BRAVELY got up on stage at a local coffee shop in Hollywood on open mic night & read my BRUTALLY HONEST poem "Love Is Nothing" (that I "shared" out here in my journal) to a room full of COMPLETE STRANGERS, & after I had finished reading my poem with both PASSION & CONVICTION only one or two people in that entire room full of STRANGERS clapped for me, yet nearly EVERYONE in that same room full of people had CLAPPED HARD for the guy who had gotten up on stage right before I had.  Why?  Why didn't these people clap for me?  It's not like my poem "Love Is Nothing" SUCKED, but even if my poem had SUCKED the whole point of fledgling artists getting up onstage on open mic nights at coffee houses is that the coffee house literature FUCKING PROMISES you that you will be performing in front of a kind, SUPPORTIVE, group of people who will ALWAYS CLAP for you whether you are any good or not.  That entire group of people CLAPPED HARD for the guy who had gone onstage right before I had, yet couldn't bring themselves to clap for me?  I don't understand?  ***I used to "occasionally" go to this coffee house BY MYSELF, sit in the front row, & CLAP HARD for every last person (even for the people who were REALLY BAD) who got up onstage (the exact scenario that took place on the night I BRAVELY got up onstage & read my poem "Love Is Nothing), yet just about NOBODY in that room clapped for me when it was my turn to get up there, spill my guts, & HOPE/PRAY to feel WELCOMED & SAFE during the process?

(As an "aside" :  I was so SHOCKED, disgusted, & mortified by what had transpired that evening that I never went back to that place & read my poetry again...)

*Now the sun went in, & I have no idea if it's gonna rain out or get cold enough out for me to NEED a jacket=I can't wait until it's 70-80 degrees out & SUNNY every single fucking day!)

Although I did walk Omar for 32 minutes yesterday afternoon, & I did walk a couple of miles (in the rain) to the store & back last night I NEVER got to go out on my INTENSE 4.6 mile POWER WALK yesterday simply because the day never cleared up for any significant length of time=I think that I'm gonna get ready & go out WALKING* right now?

(*"Fist of Rage" & other new songs I purchased through Amazon & put on my mp3 player last night are "calling" out to me & my ADMITTEDLY continuous DESIRE to simply "ESCAPE"...)

To anybody out there whom I might be "upsetting" with some of my in depth journal entries:  Collarme states that journal topics can be on absolutely anything so long as you don't use your journal to criticize other members of Collarme:  Even when I'm not directly discussing sex & sexuality out here most of what I am discussing ties in with my own sexuality/sensuality because my inescapable anger, lust filled thoughts, acute SENSITIVITY, & aversion to VIOLENCE & VIOLENT IMAGERY all continuously mesh together in my brain & ultimately create a creature who will literally get CHILLS up & down her SPINE if a person she LIKES even simply slowly trails his fingertips up & down her ARM...  (Just sayin  LOL)

My Room Can't Be Lit

I try sometimes but rarely succeed
Try so hard don't know what to believe
The enemy is self contempt
The darkest place secrets are kept
Can't be explained-can't even be named
Where is that dream I never dreamt

Even the touch that heals can't last
I have to sink down with my arms spread out before me
Wanting so much to understand
Just a little bit
Praying to a god that has never heard me
My room can't be lit...

Old poem by L.A.P.

When the blood runs down
she doesn't see it
unless it's her own
She says it's this way with everyone
Sensitivities diminish over time
Poke out your eyes
Run through this maze blind...

(by L.A.P. age 23 or 24)



There is a tremendous DIFFERENCE between "Horror" movies like "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" or even "Silence of the Lambs" & KILL FEST movies like "Saw" or "Friday the 13th" or "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre", but be that as it may, even though I absolutely REFUSE to ever, ever, ever, watch any of those latter types of movies again for the rest of my life, I am still able to "get" how so many people can become completely DESENSITIZED to those latter types of what I lump all together into the category of SICK MOTHER FUCKING "Slasher Films" that have little to no plot & are only created to terrify, shock, sicken, or "titillate" the viewer.  What I can't understand & will never "get" is how a young woman around my age who worked with me at a conference center when I was in my very early 20's could sit there & matter of factly explain to my "naive" self that not only was she completely unaffected by any of the "Faces of Death" videos (where REAL PEOPLE die HORRIFICALLY right in front of the viewer's eyes), but also that I was "Stupid" to not realize that EVERYONE eventually becomes just as desensitized as this young woman had "apparently" already become at the tender age of 21 or 22 to witnessing even REAL PEOPLE DYING HORRIBLE DEATHS...

***I "wonder" if this young woman grew more or less SENSITIVE as time went on?  IDK, but what I do know FOR SURE is that I would rather be in constant PAIN & still able to FEEL then to instead be so DESENSITIZED that I could just SHRUG & continue eating my sandwich (or whatever analogy you wish to apply here) while I was busy watching HORRIBLE DEATHS happen to real live human beings-not to MOVIE ACTORS-TO REAL LIVE HUMAN BEINGS whom I was busy watching CEASE TO EXIST right in front of my eyes!!!!  (FOR THE RECORD:   I've never seen any of those "Faces of Death" films, & I don't have any desire to.)

"I'm a razor blade slitting through a wrist of hate"...

Do you think that Kid Rock actually FELT the sentiments he so PASSIONATELY expressed in his 1998 song "Fist of Rage" (that was BLASTING into my ears last night while I was walking to & from the store in the rain & "occasional" lightening, & intentionally NOT USING AN UMBRELLA), or did he just write that song to put more money into his already overflowing pockets?

(Inquiring minds want to know?  LOL)

Beckoned

I watch the blurred images
as I totter nervously on the edge
Small child waits below
with tiny arms that want to cradle me
Hissing laughter follows me down
as I tumble into open mouth of dead child
You swallow me
Spit out arms & legs
Save the brain for last
then burp with pleasure...

(by L.A.P. for her college poetry class)

To be or not to be
Shakespeare stated perfectly
This endless question's haunted me
In college-now-& before
Continue on
or become
"Nevermore"...

(L.A.P. in 2009 or 2010)

I was a THROWAWAY child who REFUSED to be
an UNRECOGNIZED Prodigy
but as "things" often go I eventually
simply STOPPED CARING what happened to me...

Ces't La vie
Ces't la vie
Ces't la vie

"Look at you-Your DISGUSTING-I have a better body at my age then you do at yours"!

(Not ANYMORE-you FUCKING CUN_-NOT ANYMORE!!!!!)

THE END

WORTH REPEATING:  I'm NOT looking to SERVE a MASTER!   I'm NOT looking to SERVE a MASTER!   I'm NOT looking to SERVE a MASTER!  I'm merely looking to "expand my SEXUAL horizons" (whatever that may or may not mean to me or to anybody else) with ONE guy who "gets it"-a guy whom I feel drawn towards for reasons that far surpass the physical yet still encompass the physical...

To BLUNTLY put this another way:  I'm keenly intelligent, very deep, & aware= "Hey BITCH-Down on your knees" (or anything along those lines) ain't ever gonna work with me, but SEDUCTIVELY (or CRUDELY-depending upon what the situation warrants at that precise moment in time) whispering in my ear (especially when you & I are OUT IN PUBLIC) all sorts of "things" that indicate to me just how BADLY YOU WANT ME-How badly you want me to do "certain things" to PLEASE YOU may just work wonders...  (Ya NEVER know?)  LOL

FYI:  Any guy with one that happens to WORK can just put his thing inside any woman (or any man for that matter) & pound away=Most of you out there likely couldn't even FATHOM exactly how little I've experienced in my life when it comes to REAL SEXUALITY/SENSUALITY-that MOST DEFINITELY IS NOT when a man simply USES the woman he's with as a SUBSTITUTE for HIS OWN FUCKING HAND!  I have been CELIBATE BY CHOICE for quite some time now because I simply do not care:  You could ask that guy I met with 2 Saturdays ago (the guy I was super ATTRACTED to but who "apparently" didn't like me enough to want to see me again) just how "HUNGRY" I truly am, but I have (particularly over the last few years) GRADUALLY learned to develop a little thing that far too many people on this planet lack in abundance:  SELF CONTROL=I have absolutely no problem either with being "Picky" or with being sarcastically ACCUSED of being "Picky" because right now I'm simply enjoying (in & of itself) "playing" (something I have EVERY RIGHT IN THE UNIVERSE to do simply by virtue of my being a HUMAN BEING), & I have absolutely NO INTENTION OF JUST HOPPING INTO BED with the first guy who asks me to do so-NONE!

***That was an extremely EMOTIONAL, tear jerker, film I just watched=I think what I really NEED right now since I can't have what I "REALLY, REALLY, NEED" (although I did get a little "taste" last Saturday  LOL) is to put some MINDLESS KID ROCK* on my mp3 player & blast said MINDLESS MUSIC in my ears while I simply Walk, & Walk, & Walk, & PUSH my body CLOSE (but not quite) to the point of exhaustion...

*I'm thinking that I MIGHT (FOR OLD TIMES sake) put ALL of "Devil Without a Cause" on my mp3 player=BEFORE I moved from Ma to LA in 2001, I used to blast the "Devil Without a cause" tape in my ears via an actual WALKMAN (an "ancient" device difficult to come by "nowadays)...  LOL

Well, it WAS a BEAUTIFUL day out & now it's NOT!  (Ya just gotta "love" New England weather.)  I wanted to go out on my long POWER WALK, but walking is so much more enjoyable for me when it's NICE out=Perhaps I'll ask my mom if she wants to watch "Smile" (that arrived in the mail today via Netflix) RIGHT NOW instead of watching it tonight, & maybe by the time the movie finishes the sun will have come back out?  (On the way back home from my POWER WALK I plan to stop at the store & buy a pint of frozen vanilla Greek Yogurt to add HALF OF to one of my relatively healthy & definitely SCRUMPTIOUS desert "concoctions" that for today will consist of a hefty size portion of frozen cherries, a small amount of frozen blueberries, 2 frozen bananas, & a small amount of non fat milk & orange juice all blended together & poured into 2 LARGE glasses of DELICIOUS FROZEN TREAT that will AS ALWAYS be slowly SAVORED by both my mother & myself...  LOL)

So "L" the admitted NON COOK has just finished throwing together all of the ingredients that comprise her latest ULTRA HEALTHY & FILLING SLOP "concoction":  4 cups brown rice, fresh orange, yellow, & red peppers, celery, onions, & mushrooms (all sliced up ahead of time by L's mom because L HATES cutting up vegetables), & 1 pound of carrots (peeled by L & placed WHOLE into boiling water), 2 cans green beans, 1 can pinto beans, 1 can black beans, & 1 can of kidney beans, plus 1 pkg of extra lean ground turkey, & some leftover FATTENING hamburger from "taco night" a few nights ago=Add some salt, pepper, & a variety of spices for FLAVOR & VOILA-a healthy, fiber filled, satisfying, meal for L's mother & L to consume any time the mood strikes either of them over the next two days before L decides to put the leftovers into the freezer for "another day"...  (L's been doing loads of laundry all day, & her bedroom is FINALLY almost completely clean, but for how long?    LOL)

I don't want you, cook my bread,
I don't want you, make my bed,
I don't want your money too,
I just wanna make love to you.

I don't want you, be no slave,
I don't want you, work all day,
I don't want you to be sad and blue,
I just wanna make love to you.  (Foghat)

Let's just entitle this a "LESSON IN FUTILITY" (& leave it at that shall we):  Any man on this planet who believes that he actually has a CHANCE IN HELL of transforming/CHANGING a CHILDISH STRIPPER into a "clone" of his prim & proper, "Devout Christian", mother (either with or without the "supposed" CHRISTIANITY)!!!!!!!

***I'm gonna now go get ready to BUST MY ASS exercising=My life may be far from perfect right now, but I'm finally THIN AGAIN, I'm FINALLY FUCKING FREE again, & it's a BEAUTIFUL day for me to simply go out & WALK, & WALK, & WALK while my favorite Alternative/Classic ROCK SONGS are (as usual) BLASTING in my ears via my Sony mp3 player that THANKFULLY doesn't sound like CRAP but that didn't cost me a small fortune, either-It's the HUNDREDS of songs I intend to EVENTUALLY put on said mp3 player that are gonna cost me the "fortune"...    (LOL)

I'm a POET, & poets are usually BY DESIGN "different" from other folks.  I've been a POET since I was very young, & I also didn't come even REMOTELY close to being raised in a "June Cleaver" type of environment, so you figure it out?

Here's a "No Brainer":  If I'm gonna feel EXACTLY the same whether or not I'm heavy or thin THEN I would much prefer to be the latter of the 2 options, since (duh) being THIN is gonna automatically give me MORE OPTIONS to "escape" from WHAT IS INNATELY the "essence" of me-ALWAYS has been-ALWAYS will be...

***Last night I again went on my 4.6 mile POWER WALK, & I completed said POWER WALK in just over 1 hour 10 minutes=I'm NEVER gonna FUCKING BE FAT again, & I'm NEVER gonna be with anybody who will (subconsciously or not) SABOTAGE my SINCERE DESIRE to NEVER FUCKING BE FAT AGAIN!!!!!!!

(I wasn't just a little "chubby", guys-I was SEVENTY POUNDS OVERWEIGHT=I was fat!!!!!)

I touch his skin

I see those eyes

I wonder why

he wastes his time

What lives & breathes in me

is not this thing he sees

so filled with rage

but then it cries

How can I stay safe & sane

when I'm trapped in what I can't explain

(poem fragment or potential lyrics for a song:  Actual "DOB" of these WORDS is a complete mystery to me as is the case in regards to MOST of my original creative works that span all the way back to when I was a wee lass of 8 or 9 years old...)

Little White Men

Little white men
Coming up behind me
Knives hidden behind them
How did you find me

Shouting obscenely about "Happy Pills"
Want me to come to them
I don't think that I will

Ha-Ha-I LAUGH in your face
You have no proof-So I guess I'm safe

Ha-Ha-I LAUGH in your face
You have no proof-So I guess I'm safe

By L.A.P. ?

I want to be a primitive beast

Roam the hills-Slay the feast

Search the shadows for release

Somewhere lurk in purest form

Take on the shape of wolf or worm...

Awaken Me

Awaken me
Awaken the desire
Raise your arms higher
Send them into heaven
Lower to the fire

This body craves only your touch
Give me freedom-Lift me up
Open pathways to the mind
Create our world
one second at a time

There's only us here & now
Never answers to be found
Calm the angry beast inside
Use your kisses to bring
this love to life...

(I wrote these poems all the way back when I was in college & "technically" STILL A VIRGIN, but what I had always dreamed of experiencing in the "boudoir" & what I ultimately wound up experiencing in the "boudoir" were SADLY as different as night is different from day, & at this point I HONESTLY couldn't "imagine" even ONE of my practically lifelong fantasies becoming reality for me-Couldn't even IMAGINE it-CES'T LA VIE...)

I completely FORGOT that my mom's friend was coming over late this afternoon to take me to the vets to get Omar's nails cut.  It's not a nice day out, anyway=It was nice when we left for the vets & had started raining out again 1 hour later, so I definitely won't be going out WALKING today...

I can't accept things as they are

I don't believe that things will change

So I turn around & here I am

Back in the land of the strange

Trying to fit in best I can

Always denying who I am

Play a role-Try not to scream

When you know you're TRAPPED

in a HELLISH DREAM... 

(L.A.P. 10+ years ago)

I spoke TOO SOON:  I think it might clear up (in which case I WILL go on my 4.6 mile POWER WALK).

I just took a shower & washed/dried my hair so I'm all NICE & CLEAN, & I feel GOOD!  (LOL)

I'm all soft & clean

Even in those places (& spaces) "in between"

But it matters not much to me you see

When I ain't got nobody APPRECIATING me...

What I just said to Omar:  "Well-you won't be going for Walkie in this, Omar".

We are having a TORRENTIAL DOWN POUR here=I won't be going for my own 4 1/2 mile "Walkie", either, so maybe this would be a good day for me to FINALLY finish reading "Fifty Shades Darker"?

EXACTLY (since I just used google maps to find out the EXACT # of miles I've been walking lately) 4.6 miles in EXACTLY 1 hour 10 minutes, but I have to ALWAYS stop at numerous lights, cross streets, etc=My POWER WALKING speed is _______minutes per mile?  (Math's NEVER been my forte-I was an ENGLISH major=I can't calculate this off the top of my head-I'll have to think about it?  LOL)

You can have my isolation; you can have the hate that it brings
You can have my absence of faith; you can have my everything

Help me tear down my reason
Help me; it's your sex I can smell
Help me; you make me perfect
HELP ME BECOME SOMEBODY ELSE...  (NIN)

Even those men who might think to themselves "I wouldn't want to get w/in 10 feet of that CRAZY* chick" can still ADMIRE me (or not as the case may be) from afar=I'm not HURTING any of you by being "different" (or by being out on this site for that matter), & I'm most definitely not looking for anybody to "Save Me" (financially or otherwise).  I ALSO don't NEED anybody (you know who you are) out there trying to get me to do "certain things" for my own good.  Do you guys "get" that just the FACT that I currently weigh close to 70 pounds less than I weighed in 2008 when I was at my all time high weight of 232 pounds is AMAZING?  I FINALLY managed to accomplish at least ONE IMPORTANT THING that I had FIRMLY set my mind on doing, & the "rest" (whatever that "rest" may be) will either fall into place or it won't?  (Only time will tell?)

*The verdict is still out on that one, but I'm definitely "different"...  (LOL)

For reasons that I would NEVER disclose out on this site I am in a PISSY MOOD (although I at least ultimately did get enough sleep once I stayed up for a a while & then went back to bed after having woken up only 3 hours after I had gone to bed TOO LATE last night)=I think I'm gonna FIRST put that pile of clothes & stuff (all being donated to CHARITY by my mom & I) into bags so that I will have a NICE, CLEAN, BACKGROUND for the sexy shots that I'm about to take of me wearing my brand new Indigo Blue bikini bathing suit.  After I "model" my new bikini for you guys I'm gonna go on my usual 4 1/2 mile POWER WALK.

P.S.  I WISH that guy who I "fooled around" with slightly last Saturday would contact me, but I don't think he's gonna?  (Maybe he'll read this journal entry, but I don't think that's too likely to happen, either?  ):

*I didn't sleep enough (as usual) last night.  I went grocery shopping with my mom today.  I POWER WALKED (before & after grocery shopping) a total of 4 1/2 miles, & then I took Omar for a leisurely 30 minute walk.  I haven't YET tried on my new bikini that I will be EXCITED to try on & see on me!  I really, really, really, NEED to clean my far too messy & disorganized bedroom, but I think that I'm simply gonna eat 2 (or maybe 3 as a SPLURGE) of the delicious tacos that my mother is preparing for tonight's dinner, watch Two & a Half Men from 7-8, & then really try to collapse my ass into bed before 9:00 p.m.=I'm EXHAUSTED & emotionally DRAINED for too many reasons that I won't be discussing out on a BDSM website...

**It was still 72 degrees out at 5:30 p.m. & really too hot out for my pug dog Omar, so I didn't have him RUN hardly at all during our leisurely walk that I cut short by 10 minutes because he was panting & I didn't want him to get over heated...  (I have to allow Omar to gradually get acclimated to the extreme temperature/season changes here in Ma-Omar was born & raised in LA!)

***I'm really too "INEXPERIENCED" & sweet natured for me to be on a site like collarme.com, yet I'm ADMITTEDLY too unconventional, "out there", & FILLED with DARKNESS for me to really be able to "deal with" the PHONINESS & BS that are an innate aspect of more traditional "Dating Websites"=As usual, I'm a "Misfit Freak" who doesn't fit in or belong ANYWHERE (never have & SADLY never will)...

****I NEVER heard back from that guy, but I'm not really all that surprised (at least I got to have a teensy bit of 100% SAFE FUN with him)!  LOL

*****Stay tuned for some SEXY pics of me wearing my brand new Indigo Blue Bikini bathing suit!

I just returned from my 4 1/2 mile POWER WALK.  My Indigo Blue Bikini top arrived via UPS today=I'm gonna go open up the box & try the complete bikini (top & bottom) on right now!  (I'll take some pictures of me in my BRAND NEW bikini later on AFTER my mother & I return from walking Omar & her dog Angel for 40 minutes.)  This is the first REAL BIKINI BATHING SUIT (top & bottom) that I have purchased in over 12 years*!

*back when I was a lot heavier (all the way up to 70 pounds heavier for a few years) I would sometimes wear bikini bathing suit bottoms with a tank top or T shirt rather than wear a one piece, & one year I purchased a boy shorts bathing suit that came with a matching top that hid my entire tummy, but neither of those 2 types of "bathing suits" were the same as actually wearing what I would consider A "REAL BIKINI"!  (LOL)

I've been going through TOO MUCH SHIT over the past few years=

I really, really, really, NEED to "get laid" again, & BY SOMEBODY REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, GOOD FOR A CHANGE! 

(THE END)

P.S.  Just because I feel this way doesn't mean I EVER, EVER, EVER, intend to hop into bed with just any old guy for the hell of it=FWB still has the word FRIEND in the title.  I have (over the years) cultivated w/in me obscene levels of self control/discipline, & I'm 100% USED TO being in a lousy relationship & "going without", so I have no problem WAITING INDEFINITELY for the "right guy" to come along, & in the meantime I'm enjoying the "experience" of being on this site in & of itself...

So, since I'm not getting any kind of SEX to speak of (not with another person, anyway-HA-HA) intense EXERCISE combined with LOUD, pulse pumping, music BLASTING in my ears is what I use to release all my pent up Aggression/Frustration/Anger/Tension, etc:  I POWER WALKED for a total of a little over 4 1/2 miles* (not NON STOP since I did BRIEFLY stop at a couple of stores) today, & then I came back home & took Omar for a leisurely 40 minute "Walkie Walkie".

*I NEVER use a pedometer to track my mileage when I go out POWER WALKING:  Pedometers can often times give inaccurate readings.  I simply used Goggle Maps to figure out the distance between my mom's house & the address of whatever place I picked that seemed far enough away.  I found out that "X" is 2.2 miles away from my mom's house, so now EVERY TIME I go out for my LONG POWER WALK I walk a little past "X", & then I KNOW FOR SURE I have walked 4 1/2 miles that day=I ALWAYS KNOW HOW MANY MILES I HAVE WALKED-It's a PERFECT SYSTEM!

**Glamour magazine FIRMLY states that men like to do the CHASING when it comes to women=If that guy I went out with 2 days ago doesn't contact me then that's it!  I'm NOT GONNA CALL HIM!  (Even if he SADLY doesn't contact me again I still had MORE "FUN" with him than I had had in a long time with anybody, so it's ALL GOOD, right? LOL)

Now that my old mp3 player that had HUNDREDS of my favorite Alternative/Classic Rock songs on it has SADLY plopped into the sewer drain I'm trying to figure out what DIFFERENT (since I had been listening to those hundreds of other songs on my mp3 player FOR YEARS) Alternative/Classic Rock songs I wish to add to the 18 NEW songs that I recently purchased through Amazon?

*I'm off now to POWER WALK for 4 1/2 miles non stop.  If any guy out there is "Worried" that I'm not working or "Wondering" whether or not I work-here's your NON answer:  I'm most definitely not looking for a "Sugar Daddy"!  What I'm truly looking for is the opportunity to FINALLY get to SAFELY experience the types of SEXUAL things that I've NEVER gotten to experience in my entire life, & for all intents & purposes I'm "independently wealthy" (not EVEN CLOSE, but I've ALWAYS had VERY INEXPENSIVE TASTES)!!!!  LOL

I certainly did not emerge "unscathed", but I did emerge from the DEPTHS OF HELL TRIUMPHANT in at least one area=I'm "officially" only about 2 measly pounds away from being the weight I was TWELVE years ago when I was dancing on my VERY POPULAR ECTV channel FOR FUN-NOT MONEY!  It gives me an almost "surreal" feeling to look at OLD pictures of me from when I weighed 232 pounds, & HONESTLY, when I have shown those old pictures of me to NEW FRIENDS those "new friends" have stared at those pictures in complete & utter SHOCK that the NON SURGICALLY ENHANCED woman standing before them was in fact the woman in those photos.  I don't EVER want to go back!  I will not ever FUCKING go BACK!  It was seriously the hardest thing I ever did-to lose that much weight when I was in my 40's, but I LOVE FOOD-LOVE TO EAT=I have to be aware AT ALL TIMES of how much I LOVE being thin & in shape MORE than I love food/love to eat, & it's very important that I ALWAYS be surrounded by SUPPORTIVE people (be those people my family, friends, or lovers) who will HELP-not HINDER my ongoing (since weight maintenance is FOREVER) struggle to keep the weight off FOR GOOD!

*I currently weigh 162.6, but this STRUGGLE with my weight will be a LIFETIME STRUGGLE for me, & I expect my weight to ALWAYS fluctuate w/in a few pounds=The idea is to NEVER, ever, ever allow those "few pounds" to turn into 10-then-20-then-30, until before I know it I've SLOWLY gained back every last ounce (& maybe even more) of the 70 pounds it had literally taken me YEARS to lose!

I can't possibly exist
It can't have come to this
Please say it isn't so
cause I don't want to know

I can't shut out this pain
This throbbing in my brain
Want that which only comes
to the "chosen ones"

The poet & the goddess
were not so very modest
They walked the earth at the same time
Reached out to people who were blind

Then died by their own hand
No one could understand
You had it all-what's wrong with you
when we can't do what you could do

This mystery surpatheth me
The ones who live in agony
yet struggle to go on
when everything is wrong

I feel their blood within my veins
Will it end up spilled out again
Do we exist at the same time
Does all of this begin with mind

All I know is how I feel
So let's say we make a deal
You give me what I need
& you won't have to watch me bleed

I don't know who I'm kidding
in this battle I'm not winning
Richard Cory had it right
Laugh at it all & say GOODNIGHT!

(By L.A.P. 2008)

Doms enjoy exerting CONTROL over their submissives.  I don't really have a dominant bone in my body (although I'm sure I could "occasionally" use my LIFELONG vivid imagination & creative abilities to FAKE being dominant if that was what my partner wantedNEEDED from me in bed), but what I DO ENJOY IMMENSELY is my ability to exert complete CONTROL over my own body & desire for food:  Every once in a while I do what I did ALL DAY today (5/5/13)=I FAST all day on only water with lemon alternated with Anne Luise's "Christmas Cleanse" blend of water, unsweetened cranberry juice, orange juice, cinnamon, cardamom, & cloves.  The morning after my 24 hour fast I usually weigh 3-5 pounds less (although the last time I did this fast I only weighed 2 pounds less the next day).  Most people should be aware of the fact that nearly all of the pounds you lose as the result of you doing a 24 hour fast pretty much consist of only water weight that will return once you start eating normally again.  THAT'S NOT THE POINT!  The point (for me, anyway) is simply my ability to do this fast-to NOT SUCCUMB TO TEMPTATION-to 100% realize that I'll be able to eat tomorrow, & that my DISCOMFORT from not eating today will only be TEMPORARY...

I've been thinking that since I VEHEMENTLY DESPISE all labels (when it comes to either myself or anybody else) perhaps I would be better off seeking out what you guys into this "scene" refer to as a "Switch"?  I'm NOT Dominant=I certainly wouldn't wish to become sexually involved with a guy who would require that I CONSTANTLY tell him what to do to me in bed, but I would wish to be with a guy who would be EXTREMELY ATTENTIVE to my NEEDS in bed simply because that's what he would really enjoy doing=If a "Switch" is somebody who has BOTH Dominant & Submissive tendencies then perhaps a male "Switch" could be BOTH extremely confident, aggressive, PASSIONATE (even a bit rough), etc IN BED (ie not be wimpy, unsure of himself, & always expecting me to tell him what to do), yet ALSO be the type of guy who could give me SEXUALLY what I've craved my entire adult life as an actively sexual being:  To be sexually involved with a guy who would WANT/ACHE/NEED to worship my entire body from head to toe?  (Just a thought?  LOL)

I'm officially down to 164.6-I weighed myself this morning on my mother's ACCURATE DIGITAL SCALE while I was completely naked & before I had put an ounce of food/drink into my body:

***Spring/Summer=This is the time of year I TRULY LOVE!  It's getting warmer & warmer out:  This is the type of weather I TRULY LOVE because when it's warm out I can dress in as little as possible & go out POWER WALKING in the SUNSHINE & WARMTH all while my favorite Alternative/Classic Rock songs are BLASTING in my ears via my brand new Sony mp3 player that replaced my old Sony mp3 player that I recently unfortunately accidentally dropped down the sewer drain...

To ? (pissed off that I never responded back to him to at least say hello or that I wasn't interested):

I'm literally being BOMBARDED with messages from TOTAL STRANGERS.  If I didn't respond to the NUMEROUS MESSAGES you sent to me then OBVIOUSLY I was not interested.  I truly do appreciate your KIND compliments, but I'm only ONE PERSON who has neither the TIME nor the inclination to CHAT WITH EVERY LAST GUY who contacts me.  You are NOW BLOCKED!  (Have a nice day!)

"Hypothetically Speaking":

I'm in PAIN=I NEED to be touched.

I'm filled up with HATRED & RAGE=I "probably" DESERVE to be tied up, blind folded, gagged, & spanked! (LOL)

Some of them want to use you

Some of them want to get used by you

Some of them want to abuse you

Some of them want to be abused  (Eurythmics)

I went out on a "date" today (something that I had honestly not done in over 2 years).  I'm not gonna "kiss & tell" out here, but I will say ONLY this:  I don't think that this guy & I have one damn thing in common (& I actually told him as much) other than our mutual physical/sexual attraction towards one another, but (on my end, anyway, since I CAN'T/WOULD NEVER "PRESUME" to speak for him) that physical/sexual attraction is very strong, & (at the very least) I pretty much KNOW (w/out my having actually slept with him) that he's not the type of guy who would ever be SELFISH (or BORING for that matter) IN BED!!!!! (I CANNOT STRESS ENOUGH THE LAST 18 words of the previous LONG sentence!)  I'm not looking for a "serious boyfriend" or anything like that, but NEITHER am I looking for a one time "hook up" WITH ANYBODY, & even FWB has the word FRIEND in its title, so we'll see?  (I might never hear from this guy again, anyway=The point will then be mute.)

A musician who wrote songs & was the lead singer in a band that got PAYING gigs responded to one of the various ads I had placed in the Boston Phoenix back when I was ISO of a person to collaborate with on songwriting because I was ONLY a lyricist who didn't play any type of musical instrument, write music, or sing very well was who wrote the poem below for me AFTER he had willingly read numerous "philosophical" essays of mine that I had handed over to him to read ONLY IF HE WANTED TO DO SO.  (He did!)  Ultimately, though I "suspect" that the other men who responded to my lyricist ads WANTED ME he actually was the ONLY man who ever responded to any of my ads who actually got me into bed*, & he did so BEFORE he knew all about me via my essays I asked him if he wanted to read after he & I had already slept together?  Amazingly enough, even though he (as was SADLY the case with ALL of the men who ever responded to ANY of my lyricist ads) ultimately never kept the "promises" he had made to me regarding my WORDS being set to HIS MUSIC he & I remained GOOD FRIENDS (& "occasional" FK buddies) for quite some time.  I spoke with him a few years ago (back when I was still living in LA).  He told me that he HAD NOT WRITTEN A SINGLE THING or played in any type of band in over 10 years-NOTHING!  (The minute I finished reciting "Death Caresses" & another of my original poems  to him over the phone he "strongly encouraged" me to get my ass into Hollywood & recite my original poetry on street corners if need be...)  What I garnered from my LONG, intimate, phone conversation with him was that he who had (in my eyes, anyway) oozed talent from every one of his pores had VOLUNTARILY given it all up in order to "KILL" himself working at a regular job that had ultimately brought a SHITLOAD of money* his way...

*I LIVE to WRITE & WRITING is what keeps me ALIVE=I would HONESTLY practically want to live in a cardboard box & eat only rice rather than to be FORCED to stop writing in order to live in "luxury"...

(When I spoke over the phone with this dear, old, friend/former lover of mine a few years ago I recited "Desert Rose" for him & asked him if he remembered writing it for me?  He did remember writing "Desert Rose" for me, but he was utterly astounded that I still remembered WORD FOR WORD this SPECIAL poem he had penned just for me what seemed (to both of us) a "lifetime" ago...)

Desert Rose

Nobody said it was easy
like you may have read
They spilled the wine in your cup
& choked you with the bread

Couldn't they see the distance
that was growing in your eyes
Gave them no resistance
No sound when you cried

Looking back it's all a dream
The pain so real inside
Like a child in the rain
Needing a place to hide

As the dust starts to settle
& smoke begins to rise
a ray of hope
Sparkles in your eyes

Now my friend the time has come
The story to a close
If you listen very hard
You'll hear the "Desert Rose"

by D.B. (who I wouldn't mind seeing again now that I'm back in Ma where I was born & raised, but who I've OFTEN lost contact with seeing as I've known him for about 20 years now & BOTH of our lives have frequently been what you might politely refer to as "hectic")

*  Doug was the ONLY guy who answered any of my personal ads ISO a person to collaborate on a song with that I went to bed with-THE ONLY GUY=I had VOWED to NEVER mix business with pleasure when it came to my serious effort to find somebody to collaborate with, but Doug was SPECIAL, & because I truly LIKED him & was very attracted to him for a myriad of reasons he was easily able to (on the "pretense" of ONLY wanting to give me a nice massage) have me, but the thing is that (as it turned out) I was RIGHT about him being a GOOD, caring, PERSON:  There are VERY FEW men who would have WILLINGLY read all the SHIT of mine that I had handed over to Doug for him to read ONLY IF HE WANTED TO, but he not only SURPRISINGLY read EVERY LAST WORD he also processed it all & wrote "Desert Rose" for me.  REMEMBER that I slept with him BEFORE he read the essays I'd written-before he knew ANYTHING much about me, & I didn't sleep with him so that he would want to collaborate with me.  I slept with him because I WANTED TO.  (THE END)

To ALL: 

I'm tentatively "exploring" this site FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME.  I'm NOT a lifestyle submissive, & yes, I am ENJOYING (in & of itself) learning about the "scene" & corresponding with the select few men (out of so many who have written to me) who have "piqued" my interest enough to compel me to respond to their initial messages to me.  (I've even spoken to one or two men on the phone.)

***No matter how nice he is or how complimentary towards me he is in the first message he sends to me I CAN'T start chatting with every last guy who sends me a message:  I have to PICK & CHOOSE (hopefully WISELY) who I want to spend time "chatting" with online=I'm only ONE PERSON!  (SORRY!)

"Thought for the day":

Until I FINALLY get to experience sexually ALL the "things" that I've NEVER been fortunate enough to experience sexually (including being RELENTLESSLY/MERCILESSLY TEASED & TORMENTED in bed rather than just the opposite*), & get that practically LIFELONG "obsession" at least partially out of my system I'm probably gonna continue to ENDLESSLY OBSESS indefinitely over certain "sexual things" that to many if not most of you out there are absolutely NO BIG DEAL because they are the "things" that you get to experience SEXUALLY all the time.

***I ALWAYS felt that if you're gonna have sex with another person-especially if it's sex with a person whom you are in a committed relationship with FOR MANY YEARS*-why not EXPLORE NEW THINGS SEXUALLY & at least TRY to make sex as good as possible between you & your partner?  This made TOTAL SENSE to me, but the 2 men I had LONG TERM, live in, relationships with UNFORTUNATELY didn't share my sentiments.  (You eventually just STOP TRYING at all once you FINALLY reach the sad conclusion that ALL your sincere efforts MEAN absolutely DIDDLY SQUAT.)

(*You can't really "explore" new things SEXUALLY & "build up trust" with casual encounters/one night stands.)

I'm all soft & clean
Even in those places (& spaces) "in between"
But it matters not much to me-ya see
When I ain't got nobody LOVING me

I'm all soft & clean
Even in those places (& spaces) "in between"
But it matters not much to me-ya see
When I ain't got nobody APPRECIATING me...

***I just took a shower, shaved, & washed my hair.  Part of my ongoing "quest" to get back my "mojo" is for me to TRY to look & feel my best at all times=Before I start dating again I intend to for "obvious reasons" get a bikini wax (not a Brazilian), get my long hair professionally cut into a decent style that doesn't mess too much with the LENGTH of my hair, & get my eyebrows professionally shaped.  (I've already significantly added to my Spring/Summer wardrobe via hundreds of dollars worth of shorts, tops, capris, & 1 1/2 bikini bathing suits that I recently purchased at Macy's along with some new bras & panties.)

***I have ALWAYS had a VERY LOW tolerance for physical PAIN, but physical PAIN that is simultaneously combined with PLEASURE "might" be something "interesting" to learn about FIRSTHAND...  (LOL)

***The bottom 1/2 of my brand new Indigo Blue bikini bathing suit arrived today via UPS, & I must say that I'm quite thrilled with the bikini's color that will probably go quite nicely with my blue eyes?  ( I already tried this bikini bathing suit on in black while I was at Macy's, but I wanted a bikini bathing suit in a color other than BORING BLACK.)  Once the matching top arrives in the mail I will take pictures of me in this bikini for the "viewing pleasure" of any of my "friends & admirers" out here... (:

I "get" that I'm not supposed to use my journal entries as a means for me to CRITICIZE other members of this site, but I'm gonna "assume" that collarme administrative personnel is pointing out that I should never directly CRITICIZE any collarme member by name?  (I do wish to adhere to ALL "rules & regulations" of this site, but I just gotta SPEAK OUT about the following ABSURDITY I've been encountering while reading my NUMEROUS messages out here, & "exploring" the profiles of ONLY those men who have sent messages to me.):

***The men on this site who write in their profile descriptions that they are STRAIGHT yet who also clearly state IN THEIR PROFILES that they are willing to "do" male/female couples ARE NOT STRAIGHT-THEY ARE BI!!!!!  (The End)

You may be right
I may be crazy
But it just may be a lunatic you're looking for
Turn out the light
Don't try to save me
You may be wrong for all I know
But you may be right

(Billy Joel lyrics)

***In the FANTASTIC movie "Sliver Linings Playbook" two "Crazy" people found each other & proceeded to fall head over heels in love with one another=Something to think about...

GOODNIGHT ALL!  (I'm going to bed even earlier than I went to bed last night, & I'm "praying" that I can break the cycle & remain asleep for more than 4-5 hours...)

This website even ALLOWS it's members to post audio/video journal entries=far out!  (I currently own a highly rated logitech webcam that cost me $80 online, but I don't have one fucking clue in the universe how to use said FAIRLY EXPENSIVE webcam that simply sits on top of my ViewSonic monitor & looks "pretty"...  LOL)

When I'm able to do so PRIVATELY (since I'll have no idea as to exactly what I'll be getting into) it MIGHT be "interesting" to "check out" some of these audio/video journal entries out here, except how the fuck DO YOU FIND THEM????

NOTE TO SELF:  There is apparently some sort of journal glitch on collarme.com?  Do not ever again DELETE a blank space like the 5/2/2013 1:27:25 p.m. space is.  It's posted date of entry was identical to another one of your journal posts from this morning=Deleting the BLANK entry UNFORTUNATELY caused the corresponding identical REAL ENTRY to fucking DISAPPEAR as well!!!!!

(Alas, one of the journal entries I posted this morning is GONE FOREVER, since I can't find it in my hotmail WHERE COPIES OF MOST OF MY collarme JOURNAL ENTRIES are saved in my draft box=Is that entry SAVED somewhere else out here-I don't think that my journal entries are being saved "elsewhere" on my account=What EXACTLY is the point to it ALWAYS asking you if you want to SAVE your entry before posting?)

They Don't Know

They don't know
I see no point to life
They don't know
how often I cry

They don't know-
No-They don't know

They don't know
how it feels to be me
They don't know
No-They don't see

So I remain a mystery to them...

(by L.A.P. 10+ years ago.)

Why are we even here
Why can't anybody else
see what I see so clear

Wherever they're coming from
makes me want to run, & run, & run...

(by L.A.P. 10+ years ago.)

I'm EXHAUSTED:  I did NEARLY every last thing that I intended to do today:  I couldn't find the required packaging/tag for 2 items (1 pr of Capri jeans & a piece of shit mp3 player that I decided to not keep so that I could instead purchase a FANTASTIC Sony mp3 player online) that I ultimately didn't YET return ("tomorrow's another day"), & a sudden, unexpected, LATE AFTERNOON, rain shower messed up my plan to walk an extra mile by having the bus drop me off FARTHER AWAY from home...  (I also CHOSE to not walk Omar who HATES to go out in the rain.)

UNTITLED

Always one step ahead

I was a good girl then

didn't think about death except on those rare occasions

But then they buried my dog

& they threw me the bone

& I never found-no, I never found  

my way back home

 
I'd advise you to stay away

You don't want to come too near me

cause I'll think nothing of taking your heart  

rip it out with my teeth

before you can even breathe...  

I have no idea exactly when I wrote this-could have been 12 years ago-could have been 20 years ago.

***& FOOLISH folks "wonder" why this little lady NEEDS something much "more" (SEXUALLY & "otherwise") in her life?

If you are truly interested in knowing WHY

I ultimately turned out the way I did

The SIMPLE answer to your question, guys

would go something like this:

Nobody EVER REALLY CARED

(ESPECIALLY when I was a kid)...

By L.A.P.  (right now)

***I have TOO MUCH to do today (after I take a relatively short nap):  I have to walk/take buses to/from the mall (to RETURN various items I NEED to return to a couple of different stores).  I have to whip up one of my delicious, HEALTHY, easy to make, "concoctions" (meat, beans, brown rice, & a variety of fresh or frozen veggies all thrown together with practically every spice in the house) for my mother (who has lost over 20 of her UNWANTED pounds because of me being here & HELPING her out) & I to have for tonight's dinner.   I have to return "Fifty Shades of Grey" to my local library (that I'll probably walk over 2 miles to get to & then hop on the bus to the mall).  I have to mail Shame back to Netflix.  I have to put onto my brand new Sony Mp3 player (that I IMMEDIATELY purchased online after I had fucking accidentally dropped my old mp3 player down a sewer drain) some of the classic rock music (that I will JOYOUSLY listen to during the time I POWER WALK today for a total of over 4 miles) that I recently purchased through Amazon, & (last but not least) TONIGHT (when I will already be BEYOND EXHAUSTED for sure) I have to take Omar out for his usually daily, 40 minute, "Walkie Walkie"=Reading messages & responding back to messages from my (for now) ONLINE (but MAYBE that will CHANGE for the BETTER at some point in time) "friends & admirers" will SADLY have to be postponed for just a wee bit longer... (:

P.S.  I TOLD you that I wasn't even remotely what you would consider "Normal", guys, but who on this planet says that ANY OF YOU are under any obligation whatsoever to LIKE ME AT ALL?

***ALL that I ever "really" wanted in life was that which I was SADLY never able to achieve (except for out on the internet*)...

*Doesn't really count in my book, but it's still better than nothing  (:

*I would AGAIN like to point out how absolutely FASCINATING it was for me to discover that I could (if I wanted to do so) actually post my original poetry/song lyrics out on a BDSM website=Why not do it?  I was NEVER able to (not even in the smallest of ways) make myself known out in the "Real World', so I figure I may as well at least ALWAYS TRY to make a name for myself out in this "alternate reality" known as "cyberspace" or the" internet"...

**My original poetry is not anywhere near as good as Sylvia Plath's poetry was, but #1 She's DEAD!, & #2 She wrote only poetry- She didn't ALSO write songs like I do...  LOL

***I have probably written close to 1000 songs/poems (good, bad, & everything in between) in my lifetime, but my creative gifts don't just revolve around poetry & songwriting.  I also currently have (in a rent by the month storage unit back in LA) over 100 filled hard cover journals (that span practically my entire life), & thousands of loose pieces of paper where I had written down all my daily thoughts about life/people/existence as well as jotted down potential lyrics/lines for a song or poem...

****It was a cyberspace FRIEND of mine (who sadly passed away) who first asked me if I thought I might be submissive, & who told me that I might want to "check out" this site.

Only She Knows

She cries out
Nobody hears
Only she knows the DARKNESS & the fear
Won't disappear
Wherever she goes
Only she knows...

Only she knows this just isn't right
Only she sees herself giving up the fight
& when the rage grows
Only she knows...

(I wrote this a "lifetime" ago-all the way back when I was in college)

IMPOSTER

Don't want it
Don't respect it
Let me out quick as you can
I'm an insult to myself
The worst imposter of man

Wearing the wrong clothes
Only the emperor knows

I try not to hear those voices
Will myself to make the right choices
But I've tasted the moldy bread
Let the wine go to my head
Racing against time
In a body that's not really mine

Running down the track
So I can get to the finish line

AND GIVE IT BACK..

by L.A.P. (4-5 years ago)...

Wake Up Sleepyhead (Ride's Over)

Serpent's tongue lapped the tears from my eyes
& the blood from my wrists
right before I died
Did you see that face
Peace at last
Time erased
Present became past
Nothing replaced

Take the time to know
(You don't want to know)
Take the time to know
(I don't want to know)

Nothing but a hollow shell
Walking around
Speaking out loud
Pull my strings
Watch me dance
Unseen in the crowd

Take the time to know
(You don't want to know)
Take the time to know
(I don't want to know)

One after the other
It's building up-It's building up
What does it matter
One less here-You'll all go on
Blind to all the things you did wrong

Take the time to know
(You don't want to know)
Take the time to know
(I don't want to know)

(by L.A.P. several years ago-I forget exactly when I wrote this but I know wrote it after 2001 & long before 2008)

***I just weighed myself completely NAKED & before eating/drinking ANYTHING:  I still weigh 166.4 lbs on my mom's ACCURATE digital scale, so that's good!  (I would MAYBE like to lose about 10 more pounds but not much more than that=The smaller my physique becomes the SMALLER my currently 36D, 100% ALL NATURAL (just like the rest of me) boobies UNFORTUNATELY get!  LOL)

***My ex's mom once told me a "story" about this woman she was "pseudo" friends with:  It eventually came to light (one of the older children eventually came forward & EXPOSED her father for what he was) that this woman's husband had been FORCING his young children (& maybe some of their cousins) to have group sex with each other (& maybe with him too)?  I can't remember the EXACT scenario that "apparently" took place for YEARS under the "pretense" of this guy taking his young children, nephews, nieces, on "vacation" trips to a remote cabin (something like that).  Even though the movie Shame NEVER (& probably 100% INTENTIONALLY) reveals the TRUTH I'm thinking that perhaps the scenario I mentioned above or something similar is what happened to Brandon & Sissy:  They were FORCED by their parents (or one of their parents) to fuck each other (& maybe to also fuck one or both of their parents) when they were very young children, & this horribly damaging, living situation that may have been the ONLY REALITY THAT BRANDON & SISSY KNEW year after crucial year that they were growing up, & that was entirely not their fault ultimately scarred both of them for life...  (Yes, I'm well aware that the movie "Shame" is a work of fiction, but I'm also WELL AWARE that shit like I mentioned above & even worse shit takes place on this planet ALL THE TIME..)

***Omar is just so FUCKING CUTE:  He heard me munching on a pear, & he immediately ran out from my mother's bedroom & into the living room to "ask me" (with his giant, pleading, "bug eyes") if he could PRETTY PLEASE have a bite or two?  (Yes, Momma's LOVE-I will always GLADLY share my DELICIOUS pear with you!)  LOL

How can I begin

When I'm not even allowed to be in my own skin

Never make you proud

Instead you turn on me

Knock me to the ground

Cause you think that's where I should be

& you always reach that place

Formed so long ago

The one I let you create

The one I never show...

(Lines from this song I wrote in 2001 or 2002: "Something In My Eye")

Running from my own damnation

I think I was the wrong creation

Dropped here when

I shouldn't have been

Shed a tear

& can't even make a friend...

(chorus from a song I wrote during the brief period of time in 2001 when I was busy dancing FOR FUN/ESCAPE-not for MONEY-on my ECTV channel pretty much on a regular basis.)

***My mother is sound asleep & snoring in her bedroom.  (Her door is wide open.)  I had to send out a couple of LONG messages to a couple of my friends=I just rewound Shame, & I'm gonna start watching a portion of it again:  "a girl like you cannot be taking the bus"=a line from the movie Shame=I used to "periodically" hear slight variations of those EXACT words spew forth from the mouths of certain men who would notice me waiting at various bus stops (especially on those occasions when I was waiting ALL ALONE at a bus stop late at night)...

Love is all there is & was

Without love all we are is lost

We pay the price

How high the cost

All just souls

All just sparks

All just lost

in the dark...

***The 2 poems I posted above (that I believe I wrote about a year or so before I wrote "The Awakening") are two out of the VERY FEW amount of "happy", "positive", etc poems I've written in my lifetime of poetry/song writing (that began when I was 8 or 9 years old):  MOST of the hundreds upon hundreds of poems I've written throughout my life are definitely of the "Sylvia Plath" variety...

*Sissy is FUCKING Brandon's boss as we type.  My mother THANKFULLY opted out of watching Shame with me again=I have an OUNCE of PRIVACY for a change (not that I would ever "do anything" with my mother WIDE AWAKE in the other room)...  LOL

Something I bet many of you have NEVER seen:  a pug that RUNS.  Omar RUNS!  Back in La, Omar & I used to go out walking for hours (miles) when it wasn't too hot out for a pug, & sometimes he & I WOULD LITERALLY joyously run down the sidewalk.  It was actually Omar who HELPED me to lose a lot of my excess weight.  You can clearly see from Omar's pictures that he is a FIT & MUSCULAR pug dog.  Back when I was MUCH HEAVIER than I am now I used to JOKINGLY tell Omar that I wanted his physique!  I used to say things to Omar like, "Momma's gonna get back her HOT BODY & have a body like yours, Omar", & I DID IT!!!!!  I FUCKING DID WHAT I HAD VOWED TO DO!  I got back (earned back) my former thin & toned body, & now it is my not so humble opinion that I DESERVE to reap the rewards* of all my hard work & discipline! 

***Nowadays, I don't walk Omar nearly as much as I used to walk him in LA, but "weather permitting" , I still take him out for a 40 min walk most days, & he & I still periodically RUN in short bursts down the street whenever the IMPULSE hits me to do so during our daily walks together... (:

*Care to take a guess as to EXACTLY what I feel those "rewards" should be?  (LOL)

So, is VOYEURISM considered a fetish among those involved in this "scene"?  (I HONESTLY have no idea?)  The thing about "watching" is that it is relatively SAFE (depending upon how safe you actually feel with the person/people you are "watching"), & it's GUARANTEED 100% DISEASE FREE!  (I laugh my ass off at all those men who state "disease free" in their CL posts-like those men would ever tell you if they weren't "disease free", & like most of those men know FOR SURE*, anyway...)

*I do!  I KNOW 100% FOR SURE, & my days of "throwing caution to the wind" like I used to do in my "past life" are 100% OVER!

***I have to go to bed EARLY tonight!  I have to ween myself away from my EXCITING "online adventures" & simply hit the hay at a REASONABLE HOUR for a change.  (All those messages in my collarme inbox, hotmail, & "elsewhere" will still be there tomorrow.):  I'm gonna watch Two & a Half Men from 7-8, & then since I never bothered to mail Shame back to Netflix today I'm gonna first again watch the DEEPLY DISTURBING film Shame, & then go to bed early so that I can wake up tomorrow refreshed, & head off to Macy's to return some clothing that I recently picked up from pre-sale but decided that I didn't want, & to return a pair of jeans that I had put on pre-sale for my mother because I had COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN that I'd already purchased that identical pair of jeans for her a few weeks prior.*


*She LOVED the other 2 pairs of jeans that I had picked out for her & pre-saled for a FANTASTIC PRICE at Macy's:  I told her to consider those jeans her EARLY Mother's Day & Birthday presents!

(I HOPE that I like my indigo blue bikini bathing suit that will be arriving in the mail in a few days, but if I don't like that bathing suit I'll simply return it, as well=I already know that I like how the suit fits.  I tried on the black version of this particular suit, but I didn't want it in Black, & Macy's didn't have it in any other color.)

***I've seen this episode of Two & A Half Men more than once, so I'm not really paying attention to the TV & am typing up all this already put on paper by me SHIT instead.  (LOL)

***I ADMITTEDLY have a lot of "problems", but I'm ALSO Intelligent, creatively gifted, & (in the eyes of many people) Beautiful, so ANY GUY who might think (& I STRESS the word THINK) he wishes to get to know me better must take into consideration all of my numerous "problems" when it comes to the IMPORTANT task at hand:  His decision as to whether he believes I'm worth the trouble of getting to know better or not?

(How much more CUT & DRY can you get than this?)

To Ma Macy's expressing concern over my problem I had emailed them about:

Subject heading:  Everything worked out FINE!

I called the Macy's in Ca yesterday (one day late), & that Macy's not only still HONORED the 25% off sale price of the bikini top as well as the additional 25% off friends/family sale that had ended Monday, but also management at that Macy's even WAIVED THE $10 SHIPPING/HANDLING charge for me like you guys had so KINDLY done when you certainly were not under any OBLIGATION to do so.  I don't know why that Macy's was so NICE to me as to waive that EXTRA charge I was fully ready to pay, but they did WAIVE it, & I couldn't be more PLEASED=W/in a few days (in 2 separate pkgs) my brand new indigo bikini will be arriving in the mail.

Thank you!

FOR THE RECORD:  I would NEVER* get turned on while watching a film like Shame (not even during the explicit sex scenes).  A film like Shame is quite simply....SAD, but towards the end of this film (right before the horrific scene to come) Omar jumped up on my lap & contentedly stayed there while I gently petted him.  I wish I were Omar who never has to think about much of anything, & who can just love & be loved.  I wish I could relax contentedly on a warm lap & be petted...gently...

"We're not bad people-We just come from a bad place" (& we the audience NEVER get to know where or why)?

You can have my isolation you can have the hate that it brings
You can have my absence of faith you can have my everything
(Help me) Tear down my reason
(Help me) It's your sex I can smell
(Help me) You make me perfect
Help me become somebody else(NIN-ONE of my FAVORITES)

*Update on May 1, 2013:  Even if I "MIGHT" HELPLESSLY get turned on by certain scenes in the film (like that bar scene at the end), I WOULD NOT LIKE MYSELF VERY MUCH for getting turned on while watching such a DEEPLY DISTURBING, angst ridden, film like SHAME...

***Shame is kind of a STRANGE movie.  I'm pretty far along in this film, & I still don't have one fking clue in the universe why Brandon & Sissy are the way they are?  I could be making this ALL up, ya know-everything?  Everything that I've posted in my journal up until now could be a complete fabrication, but you KNOW that I'm real, & you KNOW that Omar is real, & you definitely KNOW that my poetry & song lyrics are real:  Even as a very young kid I was creatively GIFTED (not that anybody but a couple of my grade school teachers ever gave a rat's ass about any of my so called "gifts")...

I know DARKNESS
but it doesn't come in a form easily recognized
You won't see blood dripping from my wrists
or tears dripping from my eyes...

(I don't have a fking clue exactly when I wrote this little poem, but I know that I wrote it a LONG TIME AGO...)

***I'm not GAY (maybe just a teensy bit bi), but I used to travel by bus to Spotlight Bar (closed down not too long ago) in Hollywood.  (Spotlight Bar was a place where I ALWAYS felt welcomed & never felt like I was being judged.)  After I had been periodically venturing off to this bar (usually only on Karaoke nights-the only nights I truly enjoyed being there even if I was there ALL ALONE*)...) all by myself for about a year I finally got up the COURAGE to get up there & SING...

*I ALWAYS met various people there, of course, & (surprisingly) 1 or 2 of those gay men (who you know were not just trying to "sweet talk" their way into my pants) even PRAISED my singing!  (LOL)

What You Need

I met the strangest woman
as I sat at a bar one night
I saw an angel smile shyly at me
but something wasn't right

The body was seductive
The eyes warned me away
I decided to take my chances
& see what she would say

She said this world is crazy
& I run when I can
I nodded my agreement
& slowly took her hand

The hand tensed in a minute
as she started to break free
I boldly held it tighter
& whispered lazily

Chorus

What you need is a little love
I can see it in the way you move
Your eyes show what you've been through

What you need is a little touch
Trying hard to hide the pain
You won't have to try that hard again...

(First 1/2 of a song I wrote when I was in my very early 20's)

***Even though he is, was, & forever will be ANNOYING AS HELL (& SICKENINGLY cheap to boot) Alan was ALWAYS the "Good One" (compared to his brother Charlie, anyway) on the show Two & a Half Men RIGHT UP UNTIL HE HAD NO QUALMS WHATSOEVER ABOUT CHEATING ON LINDSEY-a woman who was EASILY the best thing that had ever happened to him, & a woman he probably didn't even deserve to have as his girlfriend in the first place!  ( That episode is on right now, but I've seen it more than once, so it's time for my mom & I to watch  Shame).  (:

***I've noticed that certain men out here will REPEATEDLY message you even when you have NEVER responded to even one of their messages.  I "imagine" that the men behave this way out on this site because unlike some of the more traditional "dating websites" that often like to PRETEND that SEX doesn't even exist a site like collarme.com immediately puts sex right out there on the table?

***Just now (4/30/13) took 6 pictures of me in my brand new bikini bottoms (that I purchased at Macy's yesterday) & FORGOT to first rotate the pictures-MY BAD-I'll fix it now & simply upload the pictures again!  (I CHOSE to NOT purchase the matching bikini top because the bikini top that matched these bikini bottoms was not supportive enough for me.)

A brand new bikini (top & bottom) in indigo blue will be arriving in the mail in about a week! (Macy's had this bikini in black, but I wanted a bikini in a color other than black.)

This COMPLETE bikini (top & bottom) was the first REAL bikini that I had purchased in over 12 years!  ( I haven't worn an actual bikini bathing suit in public in probably like 11 years.)  Even when I weighed over 200 pounds my 5"10 voluptuous body didn't look that bad=I still wore bikini bottoms with a tank top when I went into the pool at the gym I belonged to, or when I went into the jacuzzi/pool located where "he" lived in a town home that SADLY NEVER really became my HOME despite the FACT that I was paying MORE than my share of ALL EXPENSES nearly the entire time I was living there with "him" & sometimes with BOTH him & his "Devout Christian" mother!)

The DVD Shame (that I really want to see) will be arriving in the mail today via Netflix.  I'm not exactly looking forward to watching this type of movie with my mom (who "claims"she wants to watch this film with me), but what are ya gonna do? (I've already let my mother know that there will sometimes be movies that I order through Netflix or rent from Redbox that she ain't gonna wanna watch with me=She can go lie down in her room if I happen to rent or receive in the mail a movie she doesn't want to see.)  I already let her know EXACTLY what kind of movie Shame is=It's HER CHOICE to watch the movie or not! 

*I LOVE my mother, but she drives me nuts=I REALLY NEED to "get laid" again, but only by somebody GOOD (what a GD fucking "NOVELTY" that would be for me), & I UNDERSTANDABLY don't intend to share this kind of shit with my sweet, naive, mother who is NIGHT & DAY from Charlie Sheen's sophisticated, "WORLDLY", HIGHLY SEXED, mother on 2 1/2 Men-Charlie doesn't care who knows about his SEX LIFE-not even if his own mother KNOWS EVERYTHING, & his mother is the same way!)

Email I just sent to Macy's:

I FORGOT to call the Macy's in Ca & confirm my order with them!!!!!!

By the time I got back home last night at 6:30 p.m. I was so EXHAUSTED from shopping all day & traveling to & from the mall that I completely FORGOT to do what you had told me I NEEDED to do: Call that CA Macy's to confirm my order & give them my CC info.  I'm SORRY, but I just totally FORGOT about this by the time I finally arrived home last night.  It took like an hour yesterday to FINALLY get this all straightened out ON YOUR END, & then I completely FORGOT to do what I needed to do ON MY END:  My Mom & I traveled FAR (by buses & trains) yesterday to get to your Macy's (a larger store with much more selection than our local Macy's), & by the time we got back home the bathing suit I had ordered that day had completely slipped my mind...  I HOPE that if I explain to the Macy's buyer in Ca EXACTLY what happened here today at your Macy's the Ca Macy's will still honor the 25% off deal that ended yesterday?  Otherwise I'll just not order the bikini top, & I'll simply return the bikini bottom once I have it in my hands...  (I don't want to bottom half of this bikini if I can't get the top half, & I'm NOT about to pay FULL PRICE for the top 1/2 especially when I will also have to pay a $10 shipping/handling charge.)

Sincerely,

***I have only VERY RECENTLY tentatively re-entered the "Wonderful World of Dating" (not that I have actually gone on a single date as of yet), & I have FIRMLY DECIDED that no matter how much I might ultimately like (or LUST OVER) any particular guy I CHOOSE to go out with (go on a date, or two, or "20" with) I'm still gonna continue dating & keeping my options open=I made a HUGE MISTAKE back in 2001, & that HUGE MISTAKE is a MISTAKE I do not FUCKING ever intend to repeat*!!!

(*Why should I?  Why should I fully trust any man-give all of myself to ANY MAN ever again-so that next time around I can gain TWO HUNDRED POUNDS rather than the measly (sarcasm fully intended) 72 pounds I have MIRACULOUSLY MANAGED to gradually lose nearly all of over the last few years of this ongoing "Saga" commonly referred to as "My so called LIFE"?)

***I would like to "imagine" that this site being what it is the people on this site would not "bat an eyelash" (ie EVER JUDGE ME) over the NON MAINSTREAM activities (like professional phone sex & Internet stripping) I engaged in in my "past life", but then again my GUT INSTINCT (that may or may not be way off the mark) tells me that it's highly likely that the majority of folks on this site or similar sites are actually (out in the "Real World") quite normal or "normative" folks who just happen to have a kinky side to them...

I'm NOT (NEVER have been-NEVER will be) in any way, shape, or form what you would even remotely consider to be "Normal' (or "Normative")-PERIOD (& I have ALWAYS had to either ACCEPT this about myself or simply END it all-my ONLY 2 choices)!

Why do you HATE us?  (Because you're BLIND-That's why!)

I HATE you because you're blind

I HATE you because you're cruel

I HATE you because you teased me

& beat me up in school

When I NEVER did a single thing to you

I HATE you because you laugh

when people get cut in half

Blood squirts all over the screen

& you don't think "How Obscene"?

*I HATE you because you can't

do the things I do

yet my whole life you've waited

for me to think & act like you

& when I've tried & failed

You've LAUGHED your EVIL LAUGH

& waited for the day

that I get cut in half...

(by L.A.P. 2008)

*This last part is 100% DEDICATED to "Auntie" & ALL OTHERS out there who share her SICK mentality (not to my mother WHO HAS ALWAYS LOVED ME UNCONDITIONALLY & ACCEPTED ME AS I AM)!

The MIND is stronger than his love

The MIND is strong, Stronger, STRONGEST

He doesn't see it

I will go back

Anything is better than this TORMENT

Use me

FUCK me

Urinate on me-in me

Put a leash around my neck

& your COCK up my CUNT

Let me be NOTHING

I NEED to be NOTHING

The SOMETHING
"He" made me is TOO MUCH

I'm FIGHTING-FIGHTING HARD

but if I lose-everyone LOSES

Me first-head first...

by L.A.P.  (1996 or 1997-I forget?)

She's INSANE-INSANE

& does not care

Give her SEX & give her BEER

Tie her up & make her moan

Let her be OUT OF CONTROL....

(OLD poem I wrote when I was in my 20's)