marezia

Submissive Couple, 22, manila

i have not been here in quite some time....things change....at this time, although my status has changed to now be unowned, it is the most difficult *break up* i think i have experienced...i ran because of fears, the very thing He had done His best to rid me of in the 13 months we were together...i had taken little breaks when i felt the emotions being too intense yet He always allowed me to slip back to my place...i know every relationship is unique ~ what works for some may seem out of the question to others and this was an online commitment that was what WE felt worked for US...at some point i will change my profile but i still wear the silver chain around my neck...very discreet yet it has never left its place since the day i received it other than to add a small floating heart to it...i can't bear to think of the day i finally remove it...things will change in time...i have grown and will grow from what He taught and shared...it is just so difficult to accept but i will ...

It's been some time since i journaled here...have done some elsewhere once i got more brave and confident...i did take a step back once then did it again ...it is never because of not loving being His property ~ it was my insecurity/my fear of sharing Him in a poly family setting/ the intense emotions i was battling and fears of *what if*...He works with me still on how i am worth His efforts...He means everything to me and i am still so proud to be owned by Him...long distance is not for everyone, obviously, but if it is all one can do for now, it has to be...

i have been blogging on another site the past 2 weeks or so...feeling more confident in myself and my feelings...but today wanted to be here so i could be more open...He had talked earlier in the day to a new girl while i was at work and once i arrived, i got to meet her then we spent some time in a private room in chat, getting to know each other better...its been a slow journey in many ways (not THAT slow but when i know how eager Master is for me to become more accustomed to explore some new experiences, it just seemed like time for me to loosen up and go with the flow...blushes)      ...not giving details but the 3 of us enjoyed almost 2 hours together privately and it seems to be something we want to experience more of...

since i haven't journaled in a few days, one might think i would have plenty of things to write about...so much that Master is teaching His property to make her a better slave ...she has been given a 3 times a day assignment and so far has done it ...Master seems to be proud of me so far, but i know i have one hurdle to overcome to make our relationship even more of what we need it to be...oh...how could i forget???  with much patience, He helped me get my webcam to work and we have spent some nice time together on our cams together...anyone else probably would have given up on the project..i am so honored to be His

today was a bit of a test for girl...on another site, she was on mic with others listening ..just chit chat at first and Master was there but not noticing His girl was talking...once He DID notice, He was typing to me in Yahoo, and expecting responses ~ moans~ then louder moans~ expecting His girl to share her pleasure with Him (AS WELL AS the others who were listening)...apparently this girl is not prepared to be so open in front of others but Master explained it is part of her training and to expect more of the same...He understands her anxiety now and realizes He may have pushed just a little too hard too soon...knowing He feels bad makes this girl know she has to work on being more open and willing even more...she has so much to learn and so much to accept yet knows that she has a voice to use when things are not right for her, if that makes sense...girl was told she could *let it all out* in her journal but this seems tamed down...maybe this is a good sign...smiles...

Today was a very intense day spent online here with Master...He had mentioned a subject that was nothing i had expected from Him and it was explored some then...so today, it was discussed at quite some length and although a bit unorthodox for some, it brought great pleasure to us both to imagine it...never ever would this one use this in her fantasies but oh wow~~~blissfully enterwined with Master today and felt very close to Him......He also spent alot of time with me showing me a game that has been around for YEARS which took me a bit of time to walk through but now at least understands more of how to explore it (it helped IMMENSELY when He also gave me a map to follow...grins...this one NEEDS a map or help to go places...and He does that so well and has been so patient with His girl...tomorrow we may not have any time together and although i understand and accept that, i hope He knows how much He will be missed...

i have just a very few min to be here right now and just have my stress level from real life situations out of control...at some point, things will change but can i outlast it all??  all one can do is put their best effort into what HAS to be done and hope and pray that *others* will do that also...otherwise this is NOT a fun place to be nor am i going to win any *grandma of the year* awards...   on the other hand....i have had such lovely thoughts concerning my Master...He continually shares how proud He is of me and my slow but constant growth in being the slave He desires...His praise just fills me with excitement and the willingness to go deeper

i journaled on thursday night, but deleted it within 10 min....my mood and emotions were not at a place to be safely left with a keyboard and time...when i got online after work on friday, i had offlines explaining His absence the night before, plus an e-mail that absolutely floored me ~ i am so incredibley honored and blessed to be owned by Master...whenever i have doubts about myself, He knows the words to bring me to a deeper understanding of His care~His protection~His pride in owning ME...this is just a difficult concept for me to understand at times and i know i will always have some doubts of what i can accept in the future of certain things, but right now, all i can say is i am blissfully happy~ in my place~at His feet~His hand on my head caressing my hair...truly content being His

Tonight i had places to go, things to do, so once again, i was very late to a submissive chat that meets once a week...its frustrating to miss it every week...i have been eager to learn from others but my r/l prevents my availability or my being on time...it is not by choice for sure...Master is so patient so far about my time i can spend here with Him...i worry about Him not having me to talk to but i am sure He finds plenty to keep Him busy...the more time we spend together, the more i learn from Him...and about myself...right now all i can say is i am so honored to be His

after taking a few days off (not much choice during the weekends to be here for very long) i am here to journal just a bit before bedtime...Master surprised me tonight by joining me in chat (elsewhere) and we both watched 2 female subs on cam...they had their own cams but were side by side...naked and enjoying some light play with a magic wand...it gave us both some enjoyment to watch them play and i asked them if they ever have problems in shaing their Master...i got the answer i figured i would get...*its has its trials and tribulations*...as i knew it would...but i so want to have that at some point...and i KNOW Master does ~ *winks*

i didn't get to spend very much time today with Master because of in and out trips ...grins...but those small amounts of time seemed to enough to make me feel His protective arms and His concern for my well being...since i didn't journal at all ysterday, i need to find a topic to talk about, and all i can think of is how truly blessed i feel being His...any doubts i have about myself He finds ways to make them disappear ~ if He only knew how powerful an aphrodisiac that is to me (maybe that is the wrong word to use there...but it is powerful indeed ...oh...came back to add starting today, i am breaking my habit of diet drinks and replacing with more water or iced tea...first steps in being a healthier me, for Him as well as for myself...may not seem like much to some, but this is BIG....grins...

Master asked what i had planned to put in my journal today ~ i wanted to share that He sent me an awesome pic to me that is my profile background on *another site*...He put my name He calls me there on a collar along with the fiery heart icon snuggled within...i think its beautiful and it means so much to me...i also changed my status to *owned* which is something He was leaving up to me to do WHEN i was ready and today it felt like it was time...i feel totally His...tomorrow we both have places to be which will prevent us from talking much together, but He will be in my thoughts as i go about my business...   He is always in my thoughts...in my heart...in my soul...i am His

tonight my mind is apparently dwelling on friends...making new ones here and there ~ also finding out that some of my *old friends* are not getting the attention from me that they used to...2 in particular have been close to me for quite some time and although i feel they understand my time spent with Master is very important to me, they have been neglected somewhat in the meantime...i truly hope those who really know me will be patient...i am not restricted from old friends but Master does wish to be kept informed, which i honor....smiles.....now NEW friends???  for now, online only and hopefully a female friend to explore ideas with...

today girl was not able to see or hear from Master with both of us having r/l obligations/plans and she misses Him muchly...her day seems a bit empty although she has been busy (in and out of the house)  ~~~ she has realized so many changes in her life since she and Master have found each other : her confidence (which sometimes needs a boost) has risen with His support and encouragement...her innermost desires of the heart are to make Him Number One, which she tries to do more and more...she finds she is anxious to disrobe each day as she returns home from work for as long as she possibly can...and she is discovering she has a hidden attraction to females which was at first a bit more of a wish to please HIS desires but has now been slowly burning low ~~ embers just waiting to be in touch with the right female ...it is not something she wishes to rush into or to *just please Master* and if the right one doesn't appear right away, both she and Master plan to wait, enjoying each other ~~~ we are a family and await to see what the future holds in concern to broadening our family at some point...

girl was told today by her Master what subject to journal about today, but had much of r/l things going on and humbly asked Him to tell her again.  He told girl she was allowed to ask of course but she felt she should have remembered on her own...   girl's subject was how she has not ever been one who could orgasm easily, not while sitting here EVER and knew she would never be able to experience  that *on command* (blushes) but Master has been working with her almost daily on that very thing and eureka!  miracles CAN happen!!  some of them are not as intense or as easy as He desires of me but WOW....girl is so happy that He has been patient enough with her to have her experience this and knows it pleases her Master very much... girl's mood is tired yet very blissfully happy in Her Master's pride in her journal so far

...smiles big as i reflect on my day today with Him online...every day He says i am growing/learning/making Him proud and with every day, i know it is truer than the day before.  This journal is only one way for me to open myself up more to my inner self.  So far in this relationship, i have had some insecure feelings and unable to look at the whole picture...i felt i was always trying to protect my heart and couldn't trust...maybe TRIED to trust but never felt worthy enough to be considered good enough to be owned property...i honestly see i am going from confident and proud to now be His property and back to so cautious in what i say or do...i have so so much to overcome although when we talk, it is as if i CAN do it all...all i wish to do for now is grow..to work on it (and not worry so much.........right now it is my biggest hurdle ...that and one other but am really working on that one *winks*

~this is my first journal on this profile and will be short, but am anxious to continue my journey as the slave Master sees me as...one thing i am desiring is to find female friends to help me explore this side who could eventually join Master and me in our online relationship ~

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