ive been doing more thinking

Ive always thrown myself whole heartedly into these things. But now Im taking a step back and looking...observing...thinking

There seems to me to be a lot of issues with community groups. Now when I say things,add the caveat that I rarely use or mean 'all' and 'never'. Im not an absolutist in that respect

But I told a friend that to me, community groups are doomed to drama because what type of personality is drawn to that? well, whats more narcisstic than being a dom /domme? to have someone basically base their life on your wants and whims? Not saying all doms/dommes are of course, but still...I bet there's a higher percentage of narcissists in those that identify as dominant than in the general population. same with drama queens. when you are used to having people around who cater to your every wish,its hard to go out in public and remember that not everyone cares what you want. Now of course a 'good' dom wont be that way...but who decides who is good?.. a good for me dom wont be that way anyway,lol

and to me this applies to Leather and Old Guard. Theres just as many fuck ups and assholes who identify that way. the concepts are sound and something to strive for. But like many things ,in actuality someone saying they are leather or old guard carries as much weight as the random messages I get from wealthy doctors wanting to take me away from it all on here

and perhaps Im just cranky, but I am getting tired of the 'better than vanillas' attitude. Yeah every so often this happens.

we are not better. we are not more evolved or anything like that. D/s relationships arent better than a vanilla one. and actually all relationships have an element of that. ours are simply exaggerated, like the swollen red ass on a female baboon. and like that ass,it signifies to others what we want( or are willing to take I guess,in teh case of the baboon )

I get tired of reading " a D/s( or M/s or DD/bg ) relationship is so much more honest and open"...oh really? yes thats a skeptical tone of voice. One because I know pleanty that arent and two because I know plenty vanillas that are. Id say any good,long lasting relationship is and no,'"the very nature of a power exchange relationship" does not make it more honest . Honesty is based on the participants,not the set up. and they can all go crash and boom in a big way without that

I know its normal,especially when you're stepping down the deviant path, to want to think what youre doing is better,stronger,more real etc. Maybe its being more honest with yourself which is always good. But it doesnt make it better than anyone elses or the societal norm. Simply better for *you*

and I am a babygirl. It means to me that I have a happiness and joy in things that many put away when they reach adulthood
it does not give me license to whine,stomp or otherwise act in ways that would have made me smack my kids.

I guess Ive finally hit that wall where I am like-yes Im a babygirl. No Im not an immature brat. i own my feelings and actions. I dont think its cute in myself or others and I guess I just need to carry my cranky ass away from interactions where people think identifying that way means they can throw all maturity away. I like to splash in puddles and swing. I dont like acting like a spoiled 3 year old in my every day life

oh and Merry Christmas Yall

Grab my hair and use your body to pin me against the wall
take my mouth with yours
lips hard against mine
tongues tangling , bite at my lips
kiss me like its whats keeping you alive

If you cant have that passion for me
I dont need you in that place in my life
Im a realist and that takes work over the long haul , but still...
I refuse to live a passionless life

Look on in amused approval as I sing like a banshee
and dirty dance to stuff on the radio
head bang along with me and understand that Don Williams
will always have a place in my heart

If I cant feel as comfortable with you as I do with my daughter
then I dont need you in that place in my life
for too long Ive tried to be what was expected
I wont do that anymore
I am me, whole and complete, perfectly flawed

Be that safe place. My shelter from the bad things in life
My guiding light to bring me home safe
share my triumphs, knowing you helped make me that way
share my pain, knowing you help soothe it away

If you wont be that to me and I to you
I dont need you in that place in my life
Ive went through too much,
given too much for too little in return
to ever devalue myself that way again

so a friend on alt posted about submission...
I am a slave. Its not what I consider a good thing necessarily
it means that when I submit,I do it wholley ( sp? ). I dont know how to do it and take it back. I dont know how to do it for just a session or something like that

Case in point; my old buddy and I decided to play Saturday at the local club.He started as sub/switch when I met him. He's always been my friend , and my go to top for between relationships. But we've changed
First he's way more sadistic than he used to be. Second, he identifies as dom and has a sub he sees
so he was too rough , too soon and kept expecting me to take things for him
I ended up really angry. I guess I dont get real masochistic unless I am wanting to please and am willing to go through the first pain in order to get to a place where I enjoy it
secondly , he is not my dom...and I got really angry at him over trying to dominate me

So that leaves me with a quandry...how do I play until I am in a new relationship? I know theres many on here that would just wait
well , it feels like Ive spent half the last 4 years waiting on one thing or another and Im not willing to

I did talk with a local friend last night. He identifies as switch. He was kinda trying to get me to top him. that doesnt work either lol. I have no interest in dominating someone...I do however have a rather sadistic physical side...
but he said he would be happy to play with me as a service top. so hopefully that will work out

but all this has really made me wonder

so. I took a job at a nursing home across town. 3 - 11 M - F. damn I hate working 5 days a week
and I will be the skilled nurse. right now I have 6 not real needy skilled and 24 LTC that I have on my side
its a nicer place. Run a bit different. Im used to my aides doing there thing. Here,I have to assign everything. we'll see
pay is the same so hopefully I wont be as bored

I splurged over the weekend
bought the bed,though yes I will pay too much etc. andits a queen so its too big. but after a year on a twin,its pretty cool
bouhght sheets and a comforter set and curtains and shower curtain and caddy and shower massage
and the cutest Betseyville purse!
that will work as my birthday present

Took today off when I hired on. Have to go back down to the doctor and to pick up my mail
so yep. Im 48 today
woo fucking hoo

I wonder about the profiles of ' dominants ' I see on here who have pages of whining and complaints in their journals

well..I have pages of whining too I guess , lol...but I dont whine about fake doms and scammers

its the internet..if it sounds too good to be true it prolly is.

oh and call me shallow, but I have an age range. it is 7 years either way. not set in stone but half set up concrete anyway.  Exceptions may be made for 25 year old Australian doms  ;)

my last 2 vanilla relationships were with men 15+years older than me. I buried one and spent half our time hauling the other to the hospital and doctors. Enough. Theres no guarantees but there are probabilities

and for those that wonder why subs seem so mean on here and wont answer...its because if you do , even to be nice , you end up with emails practically begging for a chance

ummm...no

sometimes I am stupid...ohh probably a lot of times I am stupid. But sometimes my want overwhelms my common sense

then you get your hard reality checks

even delivered in velvet wrapped gloves...they still hurt

but you have to soldier on, right?

I mean its what we're supposed to do

but damn I am so tired of soldiering on

I am just so tired

and I want my Daddy

I want a hug

and all the nice words and virtual shit in the world doesnt take away the sting of rejection , no matter how softly it's delivered

and the fact that there is no one to turn to

and I am supposed to be tough and strong and not cave in to weakness

and so on and so on

when all i really want is someone to hold me and tell me things will be ok

but thats too much in my world apparently

brought to you by 3 Modelos and a reality check

I remember when my former took me aside to tell me about his decision to be more religious. to stay away from  'the 7 deadly sins' not just obey the 10 commandments. this was right before I was to move from the main house to the cabin...in case I changed my mind about staying

and as I said to him" if theres a next time, one of my requiremets will be ' must be an atheist'. Because you see,I lost my first dominant because he went back to the church. and my second was raher conflicted at times because he had been really in to his church before.

but,I am a spiritual person and I guess I am drawn to people who are that way also. Im also irreverent and dont think theres 'one true way' in religion nor in bdsm.

My view is to try not to do damage and to try to make a somebody happy every day. To make the world better for me being here. Pollyanaish I know but - hey thats me
so in the future,I will prolly tend to stay away from Christians and others that mught have a moral conflict with 'the lifestyle' and the rest of their life. Because I dont want to invest myself ( and I invest pretty heavily ) just to have it all taken away yet again due to that

this post brought about by a fellow bloggers questions on religion  :)

so I have moved
and I have leads on 2 jobs. Same pay, though one is 30 miles away. but the closer one is going to be boring Im afraid
so theres that
Im tossing around the thought of getting a bed from one of those rentacenter type places. Not for long, but mebbe for a month or two? though it irks my soul and I prolly wont
unless someone wants to get me a bed for my 48th birthday next week! lol
Im trying not to dwell on that...starting over- again- at my age with even less than Ive had the other times
I suppose it could be all zenlike and freeing but no,Im not feeling that

im having a lot of casual contacts. chatting and flirting. Its fun and feeds a need I spose
plus Im starting to think the real me is a bit too much for most
too needy, too insecure, too unsure of things, too...much
hmmm   this feels so familiar

so...some time has gone by. The horrible sharp hurt has passed mainly
the anger has passed for the most part
now Im thinking on what I miss...and actually I miss some of these in a generic way,if you understand what I mean

I miss having a sadist/Daddy. theres a ton of sadists out there. Theres many that call themselves Daddy. But I dont think theres that many that have that right mix of it

I miss having a daddy for that matter. though he and I are still...kinda that way, in reality no. He will always be my first daddy. but a Daddy is active in your life and affectionate and loving, along with concerned with ensuring you become the best you can be

I miss being tucked in at night. I miss that ritual soooo much
it means so much to know you are on someones mind like that every night. that no matter what, he puts you to bed and all is ok

I miss feeling like I have a home. Ive looked all my life for that one place I belong. Now its gone and Im back to having that rootless feeling

I miss hearing 'Daddy loves his little girl'
yeah...

I miss knowing that I have someone at my back. yall know I can handle shit...but it was so nice to have someone to fall back on.someone that knew more than me and could do things

I miss knowing I am owned. Theres a feeling to it that just gives me the confidence and security I lack at times

I miss the pride of being 'his' girl

I miss the strong arms and comfortable chest, perfect for my head to rest on.

I miss my security,false and fleeting though it was

I miss feeling safe deep down

Im in a mood
an unbreakable one
no, not me..I feel like rebar encased in glass
but my mood

I keep saying I need beat
a way to get this stress out
to be pushed so I can overwhelm my common sense and let go
sometimes I hate being so logical and so empathetic
understanding...caring...self sacrificing

I reread an old post of mine; [post 454589]
Ive changed some since then, I actually enjoy many aspects of it I didnt get back then
oh joy,Ive grown
But right now,I am in that headspace
a bad place..a want hurt place
not so I can fly, but so I can suffer

for I must have done something wrong
and maybe if I suffer for it, things will go back
maybe if I crawl into that hole
he'll dig me out
dangerous thoughts those
magical thinking at its worse

there is no reprieve from this
this is simply my reality
abandoned and thrown away
perhpas Im being a bit dramatic
but thats how I feel

I hurt so bad emotionally
I want to hurt that bad physically
may was well match

submission,slavery and self awareness

So Ive been thinking about submission again. Truth is,I am running from myself. Running from needs based on what my perception  of what they cause is.

I didnt like it when I realized I was a submissive. To me at the time, submission was weak and Ive never lived a life where I could afford to be weak. I still havent.

So I admited I was a sub, but only to certain doms. superdoms. Other than that I was not submissive at all. Only to the 'One" who could coax it out of me

well , that wasnt necessarily true. I have found I can and do submit to people who arent 'superdoms'. who actually may not be that dominant at all. Yes,I am thinking of my many trips to Texas.

So I ammended it to say I would only submit to someone I was in a relationship with. Well that works. Whats safer than submitting to someone who wants a relationship with you? * insert cynical laugh*

Now I am finding I dont have to be in a relationship with someone to submit to them. Oh I dont mean the full blown 'here it is,you have only to command and do what you will' submission. I do have more sense and backbone than that. But to serve.

I guess I need to disentangle the listings for 'service' and 'submission' in my brain. because I didnt think I could serve anyone I didnt submit to, unless it was as an extension of that submission.Though I have had lots of practice at that; being respectful/submissive/serving people who I do not hold in high regard.

So I need to figure out,does service itself feed enough of my needs that I can do it without expecting anything else? Thats the big question. I know there are many out there who want that. Someone who simply serves because thats what they do.

and here's where all that slave stuff comes in. Because yes,I am one. I long for someone I can give all that is me to. Someone who knows what to do and needs that too. Who is honest and self aware and responsible. There are many skilled actors/actresses out there. There are many self deluded people. I told a dom that on CMe last night,about being self aware and honest. He stated he, of course ,is. His profile tells me he is not.

I am happiest when someone else is in control. I do go for consensual/nonconsent. I dont want to have to submit every time. I want to do it once and that is that. My problems has been I do it too quickly. I am too trusting and too willing to overlook things. my pain is my own causing,I do know that. Even as a slave,its my responsibility to look out for myself.

Interestingly,I have had the refrain from 'Breaking the Girl' stuck in my head for days. I didnt know the lyrics so I looked them up. hmmm perhaps I knew them subliminally

I love the idea of certain things. I have had them dangled in front of me but never fully  employed. i always say I dont want micromanaged, but maybe secretly, I do. I love feeling owned, and the many ways that happens. Even the ways that seem bad at first but arent really, because it feeds that need.

I was recently told " you bring so much to the table, who wouldnt want you?". My first thought was ' obviously you" Not sure if I said that, there was alcohol involved. I guess Im teetering on a precipice. can I learn to serve and all that goes with it without getting my heart involved? Thats the big question for me. because this isnt something I have learned to play at. I dont know if I can do enough to get my needs met and yet keep the center of myself shielded and safe.

My Alt Profile

I'm a bit of a daddys girl,ok, quite a bit of a Daddys girl. I also have a bit of a service sub streak in me ( and I love alliteration ). Im a bit of a masochist too. Add it all together and you have me.

Ive been called a slave,Ive been called a sub and Ive been told Im neither,lol. It doesnt matter to me. I know myself basically, and Im getting to know the other parts too. Ive been looking for a home for quite a while. thought Id found it, but no. So, I guess I need to grow a shell and carry it with me.

I like sensation play. I love breath play and fireplay and other things like that. Im not the most experienced person in the world but I do like to try. I love to please. I want to cuddle with daddy or sit at my dominants feet. I want to be wanted. I need affection. I crave safety. Ive told many that but few seem to really get it,or be able to provide it except fleetingly

I am sensual and silly,goofy and thoughtful,sexual and naive. All rolled up in an overthinking bundle. Ive lived a full and varied life with all the knowledge and scars that comes from that. Ive a bit too much W for my H for all you 'hwp' guys.

My Ideal Person:
my ideal man is 6'5" , about 240 pounds of muscle who retired at 40 from his own business, dominant , a bit of a sadist and is blindly, completely in love with me.

However, that would be boring I guess....umm yeah sure it would. Actually,Im looking for a dominant. A Daddy is a plus. Someone who is into play and isnt afraid to get edgey. Someone with knowledge and honor and gumption that I can look up to and respect. Someone that makes me want to please them and knows what to do with all that is me.

I identify as poly. Not to annoy all the real poly people out there but I do that because I dont ever want to invest all of myself in one person ever again. Did I mention I have a few walls up?...and honestly thats not true, because I really do want one person who can be all that to me. Its just that I have to be all that to him too. Couples are out. sorry but absolutely no can do.

and I actually dont need anything serious and/or long term right now. But hey this is Alt. been here 5 years and havent found that yet so Im not worrried

So send me an email or comment on my blog. Im standard and sometimes run out of email privileges so theres a private place on my blog. I expect humor and intelligence and attention to detail. I expect a lot but I can give so much more

Substance

Talking with a blog friend the other day. It helped me clarify some things
Ive posted before about being 'like an avalanche';[old alt post]
When I commit , I go whole hog. I always thought it was weird . something strange about me. But Im not the only one!

I think this is hard for many
they arent used to it. Theres so many players. So many that arent sure. so many that dont do this as fully as I do?
dont know how to put it without sounding all 'twoo' and 'real'
I dont know any different. I take D/s or M/s or DD/lg or whatever acronym you want,seriously
It's how I roll so to speak...Its one reason I wouldnt attempt this with someone who didnt have either real life, outside of scening, D/s experience or someone with the heart and soul to handle it.

What I bring to the table when I commit in a D/s type relationship is simply everything; heart, soul, body and mind. I dont half step. I dont care about rituals and protocols. They are fine and serve their purpose. But they arent the substance of D/s. They are the outward signs. The substance is the devotion , the need to please , the simple happiness in doing what he desires of me
now Im not saying Im some happy mindless slave sitting around with a blank smile on my face....stepford slave I am not. I get angry and paranoid and needy and resentful ( just ask my besties lol )
but ultimately, this is what I need. what I want. what I choose

I think it was the problem with my last dominant. He didnt want that. Because yes,I will give and give , but I am also a responsibility

and it takes a man who can handle all that;responsibilities and duty along with all the benefits of having someone whose main focus is to please you.
Its not easy. Especially since we arent static. Things and people change
But I want to evolve together
and so I remain his little girl

In the Dungeon

I enter the dungeon. At His command I sit in front of Him and offer each wrist and ankle separately as He asks for them. Then I get up and undress. Though it's been a year nearly, I still hate undressing in front of anyone. But this is what He expects.

I go to the chains. Attached at both ceiling and floor in a flared H shape, they also have several chains across in a ladder fashion. He secures the cuffs to the chains , stretching me out,hands raised high. He also ties me to them. One because I wiggle, and two in case I pass out.

Then he caresses me. He is a very sensual dominant when it comes to play. Soon the caresses are interspersed with hard slaps to my ass and legs. I yelp at some of them and groan in pleasure at others. As always ,it is easy punctauted by hard,  a rhythm Ive come to love from Him.

He starts with a flogger. A soft one that makes a lot of noise. I jump at the noise and He laughs at me and calls me a wuss. The intensity builds and He brings out different floggers. Harder ones, thuddyer ones.

He says "is it too intense? I can fix that" and comes up behind me wraps His arm around my neck and squeezes. I feel woozy and things get a little gray. I feel His knee between my legs,helping to hold me up. He lets off and I groan.  With this current set up, He can put me all the way out without too much fear of me falling.

He repeats this process several times. He gets the vampire flogger, with knots in it. He also has His metal nails. I love them. The feel as He drags them across my upper chest and punctuates it with a stinging hit from the vampire. Unimaginably for me, I feel myself starting to go into subspace. Ive never done that when there wasnt sexual stimulation involved.

But again as it gets almost too intense,he nearly chokes me out. Its a game of near overload then back off,and Im woozy with the endorphins and adrenaline. he brings out a paddle ( which I hate ) for a few hits, and the whip,something newish to me.

Then He comes up behind me again ,puts His arm around me and He has a knife!. We'd bought some earlier in the week so I knew it was coming...but still.  I let out a little scream. Quite a mind fuck to see that big black blade appear in front of my face and feel it on my neck

He scrapes on me with the tip. Dragging it across my boobs and belly. Up and down my legs. With the first beads of blood, the  floggers are put away. then it is only His hands, His arm around my neck and the knife. He allows me to lick the sweat from His brow and I savor the taste.

I say to Him " Daddy, cut your initials in me" and He does, Under each breast and large on my back. The pain is exquisite. The feelings and emotional upheaval are so intense for me, I am totally His,every cell wanting Him to do whatever He wants, only to please Him.

He comes behind me again and says "time to end this" as He brandishes the blade in front of my eyes again. Again I feel fear, and He knows it and enjoys it. But by this time Im reaching overload. I actually pass out when he is undoing me from my bindings. A first for me. and a bit of a scare for me. But this has been our most intense scene ever and Ive went farther than I have ever before. and for a minute,I feel so completely His,so entertwined with His will...its bliss. Pure bliss

LITTLEGIRL

Ive been doing a lot of thinking about this. The why I am a littlegirl thing. Lord knows it bothered me the first time someone called me littlegirl and I had this immediate feeling of YES inside. The first time I called someone Daddy without fear of being seen as a real freak.

I am a littlegirl because I enjoy being me. I dont feel constrained by things because I am 47. I love to swing. I like bright colors. I like to catch mudpuppies and lightning bugs ( though I dont smear them on my fingers in rings like I did when I was a kid ) Im sensual and tactile. I crave affection. I'm silly and goofy and have fun.

and I need a Daddy. Someone who knows and understands and cherishes that in me. Who understands I am an adult with a girl inside. A girl that needs attention and affection and to feel safe. yet am capable on my own. But to me a Daddy is different then a Dominant.Or what many refer to as such.I know there are different textures and varieties to everyone. But a Daddy loves , a Daddy protects, a Daddy cherishes. and a Daddy needs to be a Daddy. he doesnt necessarily need his ego fed by how subservient a slave is ( not that that doesnt have its place ;) ). He serves as much as he is served

Im not an ageplayer. and I dont do binkies and stuffed animals. I dont regress. But I have a spark of wonder inside me still, that somehow has made it through the years and all the hell I put myself through looking for affection and safety

just thinking

I guess I do like rope

Its been assumed I dont like rope. When I first started coming here, there was a dungeon slave that was really into it. He did some really neat ties with her but it seemed she was the rope girl and I was the metal girl.

He's always trying new things, making up new things, so recently Ive been the tester for rope cuffs and harnesses( especially since Im pretty good at getting out of simple cuffs :) )

Friday evening we were sitting around and somehow I ended up with my knees ties together and the ends on my wrists. One wrists was tied rather short but my right did have somne freedom of movement. Well enough that I could get a drink and smoke etc by myself. We even found I could take a shower bound that way. OK, it was a challenge but then thats half the fun.

So it was bedtime and we were laying on my bed for my cuddle time while He decided if I was going to spend the night in rope. I realized however how incredibly wet and turned on I was. and He decided to see if I could masturbate with my knees bound together ( yes,I wish I had skinnier thighs lol )

Luckily He decided to help me out. But He also decided I needed my ass warmed up. Mmmm goodness I love being spanked. and I love being jerked around by a rope on my knees. Rolled back and forth onto my back to play with my clit, back to my belly then jerked to a sitting position while he choked me.

It was a rough and exciting and then Madam joined in while he hauled my knees up and masturbated me and she spanked my ass with a shoe. All with some more breathplay tossed in. It seemed a big jumble of sensation that left me laying in a quivering post orgasmic bliss staring at the ceiling in a light subspace

Yeah I guess I do like rope ;)

Floggers,saran wrap and duct tape oh my!

So Wednesday was a busy day at work. I ran my ass off!. I clocked out 30 minutes late and headed home. He had talked about play after work, but I doubted it and was secretly hoping to just go to bed.

 But the drive home livened me up so I was a little crestfallen when I drove by the house and it looked dark. As I walked to the front door,I saw a note."Slave, go directly to your room,close the door. Read and follow directions on back of the door. Sir" Grinning to myself,I let myself in and followed thr directions. My bird was already put to bed I noted and I found the next note.

 "Slave, call your Master.let the phone ring 3 times and hang up. From that mark you have 15 minutes to ready yourself for My enjoyment. Then go the the front door for the rest of your directions. Sir" Crap! I thought to myself. I didnt know if I could shower in 15 minutes. But I did as directed and noted the time and raced to the shower. Fifteen minutes later I found the next note.

" Slave. Now come to Me.Present yourself at the Dungeon door. Knock 3 times. Close your eyes and wait...Sir" I did as directed. Well first I waited at the main entrance to the building. After about 3 minutes of shivering in the cold,I realized this wasnt the entrance to the dungeon,so went in and repeated at the correct door. In a short time,I hear the door open.

 A blindfold was placed over my eyes, then a scarf was tied over that. I was guided inside. I heard my Master tell me from this time on I had 5 words I could use;red, yellow, green,yes and no. Followed by either Sir or Madam. I was stripped of my little dress I usually wear to the dungeon and my hair was put up. I stood there and listened to chains rattling for several minutes. I tried to figure what was going on as I was guided forward. I felt the cold hardness of chains against my torso,one down either side. I felt a chain going horizontally under my breasts and another under my belly. My arms were angled up towards the ceiling and rested on chains and my legs were angled far apart and I felt a chain along them also. Last my head was pushed forward and I felt the chain that went above my breasts.

I stood there as I felt hands caressing me. This was a different configuration than the usual way of being attached to chains that went from floor to ceiling. Then I heard tape being pulled off and startled as tape was wrapped around my calves. I was bound securely to the chains at calves,ankle,knees,thighs. Tape was put around my upper and lower arms and wrists,binding me securly to the chain. Then tape was bound over the chains above and below my breasts and below my belly. I was stuck pretty securely I realized when the chains were pulled around and I followed,helpless except for my feet on the floor.

I awaited what would happen next as my mind tried to picture what was going on. Then it sounded like more tape was being pulled off a roll. But this I realized was plastic wrap as I felt hands holding it and wrapping it around me. My arms and legs were bound securely. My shoulders and upper chest. My abdomen and hips. All were covered with plastic. All that was left open was my head, my breasts and my pussy. It felt pretty thick on the rest of me. I realized how immobile I was as again the chains were yanked and I was jerked back and forth, basically helpless to control my movements except for my feet. I didnt even need to hold to the chains with my hands

During this time, I could hear Sir and Madam whispering and laughing. She laughingly told me my legs looked like a 16 year old's. I was glad to realize that the wrap was acting as a corset after Id had my belly delineated by chains. I felt my nipples pinched and tape placed around my breasts, binding them. Then the impact play started. I was glad for the dampening effect of the wrap as I felt Sir and Madam working on me with floggers and crops ( I think ). I worried that my breasts and pussy were unpretected by the wrap and steeled myself for what was to come

If youve never played with more than one dominant at a time,it's quite an experience. WIth one you can figure where they are and be a little prepared for where the next blow will strike. With two circling you, you never know. and you never know if it will be a blow , a pinch or a caress. Sir tends to be more intense. Madam alternates rough stuff with feathers and the like, though not tonight with so little skin exposed.

 I felt all that. I felt the tenderizer as He calls it; a metal roller about 5" wide with many little points all over it. Its murder on your lower legs and I found I couldnt get away at all. Then I felt the Kruger hands. It was pretty hot ( and painful ) as I felt Sir cutting me out of the saran wrap with the 3 long blades. I have small long cuts on my legs,arms and front and back torso right now as a reminder of that. Though its painful and hard if Im not in the right headspace,I am always glad afterwards for the reminders left that last days.

 I was cut free of the wrap, my blidfolds removed and told to look at myself. The mirror had been moved in front of me and I looked at myself, still bound securely with red and yellow tape to the chain setup, black tape delineating my breasts. The tape removal wasnt fun, as Sir found another way to inflict some pain by yanking them off. around my chest and my breasts especially. But then I was free and allowed to sit and have a cig and a drink.

 We sat and discussed it. Their enjoyment and the care and planning that had went into this was as nice as the actual play itself to me. They laughed as I told them about standing at the wrong door in the cold. It was decided that this was something we would do again, though next time he's talking suspension... Thats my life. You just never know what you're going to come home to.

"this aint Castle Realm"

A dear friend and I can let each other know how our day is going with just that phrase. If you dont remember, Castle Realm was a BDSM site. I may be wrong but my take on it was it was a site of romance, where the subs had 'quivering bosoms' and the Doms were all 'stern but fair'. I think of it and I think of dancing unicorns and glitter, and the D/s relationship is mainly just a pampered chick with a controlling boyfriend dabbling in the kinky end of the pool....ok, that may be a bit harsh but thats what I gleaned from it.

Well that isnt my kind of BDSM. Dont get me wrong, I truly am not knocking it. There are times Id like to have a boyfriend warming my bed. At times I miss that type of relationship...but...I know myself. and I know myself better even than I did 6 months ago.

Dont get me wrong, I do have a romantic side. I love being girly. I adore cut flowers, one reason besides their beauty being that it meant someone cared enough about what I wanted to buy a gift that lasts only a few days and is gone. Kinda like long lasting bubbles.

But while thats all nice, I cant live on it. Ive accepted that the only relationship that works for me is M/s. I have a core of practicality. I realize that without the control..without truly being made to feel owned , I lose respect. Consensual nonconsent is where it's at for me. Otherwise, he ends up being a brother Im fond of.

Im also thin skinned. I had a period of deep thinking recently when He put me under consideration. There was that and some other things. Some of these other things hurt my feelings. Were they meant to? I dont know. But I came to the realization that it doesnt matter if they were supposed to or not. They simply are. and I simply do them. and while that may make me moody and pouty, it satisfies my core.

and dont infer from this that Im some neglected drudge. Im not. I wouldnt be here if I werent happy or didnt realize that I could stay happy here with Them. They try hard to meet my needs. He is as much my Daddy as my Master and Im finding I really need that too

I guess it comes down to realizing the difference between want and need. and being smart enough to address the needs more than catering to the wants. I just dont think there's any dancing unicorns in my future

New Things

copied from my Alt blog. originally written in September 2008
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Pride...she had it in spades. When she first had come across Him,she had no knowledge of the nature of D/s. She thought of BDSM as some guy stringing up someone and beating them. Period. Now she had found it was that..and so much more

"Be ready for me when I get there" he had said."Wear the short black slip,fishnets and those new black pumps. Makeup on,hair loose. Have your butt plug in"

She hated the butt plug. She loved anal sex with him but hated having to go around with it in. He had told her in the past to have it in at least an hour before he was due. But she understood this. This meant he would take her there as soon as he arrived. She felt a thrill of anticipation. he wasn't always like this. Sometimes his dominance of her was simply an understood current in their sex.

They had had several deep involved conversations about her past. Things she wasnt proud of that still troubled her. He had promised her they would work on that. She hated the talking but loved the way he would take her. How he would grab her hair as he fucked her from behind,pulling her hair back and whisper in her ear " did it feel like this when they had you? Did you feel like this?" She had felt rage when he had done that..such anger she had nearly bucked him off. And he had chuckled and said " no baby,it's different with me. You're safe with me. Enjoy it"..and damn him , she had.

The things she had let him do to her. Actually allowed. Painful things. Things that had humiliated her. Things that she would have been like 'yeah right bucko' if anyone had suggested to her even a year before. But with him,she felt compelled to please. Safe in his nonjudgement to explore the dark things that had simmered in the back of her mind. Safe in his ability to make bad things feel good. Safe in that wondrous feeling that flooded her when he praised her.

So she was happily anticipating what would come when he pulled up. She had wondered about the heels and makeup,that didnt usually concern him. But she gave him a happy hug when he came to the door."mmm...you look good slut" he said,setting the tone. He felt for the plug and smiled at her when he felt it.

"Get your long sweater on and come on"

"What!" she stuttered in disbelief

" I said,get your sweater and come out to the car. Is there a problem?"

" No Sir" she whispered as she complied. Her mind raced,wondering what he had planned.

The drive across town seemed interminable. One look at his closed face had told her to keep quiet, She had been to a dungeon with him once before. She had felt so awkward,watching people..feeling herself being appraised. They hadn't stayed long,and afterwards he had mentioned things when he took her. Things of letting other men have her as he watched. Of stringing her up and caning her in public..of letting others do it to. Heart in her throat,she watched the house that housed the dungeon loom befor her.

                          (2)

After he shut the car off he turned to her." do you trust me?'

"yes" she whispered

He reached into the back seat , getting something out of a bag. "lean over here" she did and he fastened a collar around her neck. It felt stiff and had chrome bits on it. " give me your hands" and she did,watching as he affixed black leather cuffs to them. She marveled at the feel. The had always used real handcuffs. These were soft and sturdy feeling. The feel of them enveloping her wrists made her pussy twinge. She stared into his eyes. " when we go in, you are not to speak unless I speak to you. Understand?"..""yes" she replied..." you will do what I say , without hesitation. Yes?".."yes sir" she quavered,fear and a sick anticipatory thrill flooding her stomach.

" come on " he said,getting out of the car. She followed. He stopped her and applied a leash to her collar. He had never done that before. She truly was cowed. fear and excitement fought inside her,making her legs feel weak.

Inside , he greeted the man she knew to be the DM . A few low sentences were exchanged,and he led her down a hallway. Her eyes were wide,taking everything in. people she didnt know looked at her with interest. Several greeted Him,and He stopped to talk. She stood with her eyes downcast,face red. Finally he led her into a room and shut the door behind her. She stood near hyperventilating as she looked around. There was a wall with rings on it , a couch, and a short, heavily built table took center stage. The table also had rings on it in various places. She noticed a large sturdy wooden pole in a corner with rings screwed into it too. Her mind took off with fear as she imagined what all the hardware was for.

He placed his bag on a side table and rummaged in it. "Take off the sweater"...she hesitated and he looked at her.an eyebrow cocked. Hastily she took it off and layed it on the couch. He went to the pole and motioned her to it. he clipped her wrists to the rings. " My dont you look luscious" he said. " all big eyed with your chest heaving" he tweaked her nipple roughly. " Do you know how good it makes me feel that you obey me like this?" she simply stared at him as he ran his hands over her.He found the plug and twisted on it some.She closed her eyes at the sensation..then he bit her nipple and she groaned. He fingered her cunt,rubbing the juices up and down her slit.God she was wet! he chuckled as felt her muscles clamp on his fingers' I think my little slut likes all this .don't you?"..he looked at her so she replied. "Yes Sir,but I am scared".." "I know...but you do trust me,right".."yes".."good" he said as he slipped the blind fold over her eyes.

She heard him walk off. Then she heard him adjusting a stereo and music came on. She tried to discern other noises but couldnt make out what was happening. She thought she heard the door and her pulse raced. But after that ,nothing but the music,which was loud enough to drown out all else.

she jumped as she felt His hands on her again. Patting her arms,rubbing her back,sliding down the curve of her ass down her legs to her ankes. She felt the restraints go on,then her legs were scooted apart and she felt the resistance of a spreader bar between them. Her heart raced as her wrists were unclipped and then moved down the pole a bit and refastened. the position forced her to thrust her ass out and she felt His hand cupping her ass cheeks and then a stinging slap on them made her jump.

" Those heels make you just the right height...I'm gonna take whats mine now"..she felt his cock at her puckered hole.The cool smear of lube as his fingers dipped inside her tightened anus. "Better relax baby" he warned. She tried,pushing out as she felt him ease in. Thank god he was being gentle,the fear she felt at her situation was making it hard to accomodate him.

"mmm god you have such a nice hot tight little ass" he murmmered as he sunk in balls deep.He ran his hands up her back and tangled his fingers in her hair,bending her neck back. ' whose ass?".." "Yours" she groaned as he wriggled his hips,causing his cock to hit the good spots. " whose tits?" .." yours" she said then near screamed as she felt strange hands on them. She jumped and started to yell,but the pressure on her throat prevented it. he put his arm around her waist and held her to him as he whispered in her ear" Yes mine...and I can let anyone I want to play with them"

                              (3)

she still tried to buck at him"Listen to me" he said ,his voice low in her ear" You are Mine..yes?".."yes" she answered calming at his words. " I want you to relax and enjoy this my little slut,OK?".."ok' she managed as she felt him moving inside her. The hands on her breasts had changed to a mouth,She could feel it through the material. Her nipples were hard as rocks. " I want to see these nipples" she heard a strange voice say. " They are big and beautiful,just like her" He answered.He pulled out,laughing as she tried to follow him with her ass. " no my slut,time for that later"

He unhooked her wrists and and the ankle bar and led her away. she felt the table hit her belly. " turn around" He said. She froze,wondering what he planned. He brusquely turned her,then slapped the side of her face " what did we agree to in the car?" .." yes Sir.sorry".He had her lay back on the table and bend her knees..she shivered when she felt the clips being attached again. She was on her back,arms up and fastened..knees bent and apart and she couldnt move. " I'll be back " He said. She heard him moving away. Then heard water running in the adjoiningbathroom she had glimpsed. "Now let me see those nipples" the strange voice said. She cringed as she felt her slip being pulled up,exposing her. Her face reddened with shame at the thought of laying there,soft belly exposed . " ahh,I love a healthy woman" she heard then gasped as she felt a mouth on her breasts. This was different than His way. Gentler. Her nipples pebbled under his touch as he sucked deeply on them. She felt his hands rove down her belly and dip into her slit. " so hot and wet you are' the stranger said. his mouth left her breasts and she felt his hands pulling apart her pussy lips, Then she felt his mouth down there! He licked her slit,then slipped his tongue in her wet hole. she felt her muscles jump at the contact. Then he found her clit and sucked on it. God the pleasure that shot through her. and she felt guilty at it and tried to close her legs.

" No slut " she heard her master say from near her head. He grabbed her hair again and started talking to her,his mouth by her ear " You love this dont you,my dirty little slut?..you love laying here all helpless as another man pleasures you,dont you?".. she moaned as the stranger finger fucked her,his tongue swirling around her clit then sucking on it. He was awful good at this.She felt herself tensing as her body readied for orgasm" it's OK he said..it's Ok to be My dirty slut and enjoy this..I want to watch you cum from another man..I want to hear you cum"..his words made her even wetter. The stranger was now forcefully finger fucking her,3 fingers swirling around inside her as he sucked and licked her clit. She felt His mouth on her nipples,the touch familiar..she felt his teeth gripping the tender skin of her breasts,hurting her and she felt her pussy spasm as she came..straining agaisnt her bonds as she bucked with the intensity.

The mouth pulled away,giving her a last lick that made her muscles jar. " I want to fuck her" she heard him say. she tensed again as she heard her Master chuckle." she does have a good pussy,and I want that hot mouth on me"..she felt clips being undone on ankles and wrists and she was commanded to roll over and get on her knees. She could hear the tear of paper and the pop of a condom being put on.she tensed in fear,no other man had had her since she had given herself to her Master. She felt him grip her hair. " My pussy..right?" 'yes' " good girl,now take my cock" and she felt it at her lips. She sucked and licked his head.She loved pleasuring him.Loved it when he allowed her to suck and lick on him instead of face fucking her. She tensed as she felt movement on the table and then the cold feeling of lube and the plasticy feel of a condom clad cock at her pussy. A jerk on her hair brought her attention back. She lavished attention on His cock as she felt her pussy lips pulled apart and a strange cock slowly entering her. " Oh yeah baby,god you have such a sweet mouth" He groaned as he shoved himself towards the back of her throat..." Oh god she feels good" she heard as the cock slid all the way in her pussy. she was stuffed full of cock. she felt fingers at her ass,sliding in her anus.

She was inundated by sensations. Her master grabbed her breast and tweaked her nipple painfully,which caused her to stiffen which caused a groan of appreciation from the stranger fucking her pussy. She tried to concentrate on her masters cock..on taking it in without choking when she felt fingers grabbing her clit, She nearly exploded then from all the feelings,the stranger was picking up a rhythm,slamming into her pussy,tweaking her clit with his fingers as her nipples were pulled and pinched. Her master pulled out of her mouth and licked and bit her neck.." cum for me..I can feel you tensing...let it go" She didnt want to cum from another man fucking her,but it was feeling so good...so intense. " I want to watch you cum, my whore...I want to see your pussy spasming around another mans cock..you're my dirty little whore and I want you to cum"..the words freed her and she let herself go,near crying from the intensity as wave after wave rocked her body..she felt the cock inside her stiffen and felt it pull out ,as the stranger fisted himself as he came

                            (4)

god,I didnt think I was going to last" she heard him say as he laughed and pulled the rubber off. she lay her head on her forearms and rested.hearing but not listening to the exchange between the two men as her mind raced over what had happened.

She distantly heard the door open and shut,then felt the blindfold being taken off. She stared at her masters belly,til he took her chin and forced her to look him in the eye. " you're my good little slut,arent you?" "yes sir" she said,shame starting to overwhelm her" dont" he said,understanding her look" you have done what I wanted,you are mine and that means pleasing me,however I want pleased.. now,I am going to take whats mine".he walked to the other end of the table."scoot back here and give me that ass" ..she heard him spit on his cock and then he was at her ass,his cock nudging her anus,,she felt him grip her hips as he plowed slowly into her ass. God it hurt!she tensed and tried to pull away as he inorexably filled her,seating his cock deep in her ass.''mmm yeah.I do love your tight little ass" he said as he slammed all the way in. She was near tears from the pain.He didnt usually take her this way,this rough at first. " You are mine..I'll take you anyway I want Besides,you like me being rough,don't you?" he said,slapping her ass hard. She gasped at the sting,at the combined pain as she groaned and answered "god yeah I do".. "you're my bitch arent you?" .." yesss I'm your bitch" she groaned.' my cunt".." my whore".." my little girl?" he said slamming hard into her with each statement. ' who am I " he said and she near screamed at him " my master" .." my Sir" .. " My daddy" with each thrust.

he was driving her closer to orgasm with each thrust,her body tensing and her clit zinging. He used his legs to shove hers together and pushed her down on her belly,following her down. God this was her favorite position! He was deep in her ass,his weight flattening her,his mouth nipping at her shoulders.She could feel the sharp bites and they took her closer to the edge with each nip. Then he started rotating his hips. Not pulling out,simply reaming her.Her pussy clenched and she felt his teeth take the soft juncture of her throat and shoulder,gnashing and bruising her, marking her. an arm snaked aroung her throat,constricting her with the juncture of arm and forearm. She would have screamed with the intensity of her orgasm if she could have.her body near convulsing. She felt a last shake of his teeth and then the arm loosened and a soft kiss tickled her shoulder, she lay spent as she felt him drag her backwards and take his feet,hard cock still deep in her ass..and then he started moving inside her again.slow strokes,pulling almost all the way out the sliding back in. She lay there boneless and groaning,as he took her ass how he wanted to before she felt him tense and fill her full of his cream.

After she cleaned up in the adjoining bath,she took a wash cloth and ministered to his cock. He dressed and put his toys away. Leaving her cuffs and collar on. Timidly she followed him out the door into the main rooms of the dungeon. She peered at every man she met,wondering if this was the stranger who had made her cum...twice.

She was quiet on the drive home,as He was. Once there and in the bedroom,she looked at him questioning. He had her take off her clothes,then sit on the edge of the bed. He pulled his cock out of his pants and shoved it in her mouth grabbing her on either side of her head as he swelled inside her mouth. He fucked her mouth hard gagging her..tears streamed out of her eyes as she tried to accomodate him. He rubbed her throat " take it..easy..relax your throat:..then pulled out. "Lay back" he said as he finished undressing. He knelt between her legs,then put her ankles on his shoulders as he enetered her swollen pussy. Ah she loved it this way. He looked in her eyes and told her what a good girl she was,how proud he was of her,how it made him feel that she would do whatever he asked. The praise made her near cum on her own,so glad she was to please him..between that and the feel of him inside her,she was soon trembling with another orgasm..legs wrapped around his waist,pulling him in deeper, fingers grabbing his arms as she sucked on his nipples,bringing groans of pleasure from him.

She drifted off to sleep,her last thoughts on the changes that had happened to her tonight. she had done things she had never allowed before..enjoyed things she didnt think she should have. She pondered the new feelings , but drifted off , feeling safe and secure in his arms

GOOD GIRL

She kneels there in the corner. Her knees starting to hurt a bit so she wriggles a little to relieve the pressure. She doesnt dare look back, though the noises she hears are ...interesting.

She stares at her hands, fingers laced together in her lap, and tries to calm and clear her mind. She's scared. Not scared she will be damaged , but scared- where will this evening take her. She's always been such a good girl. and the things he has in store for her tonight no good girl would willingly do.

" Up slut" as her hair is jerked and a hand grabs her elbow , helping her up. Her hands are pulled behind her back and she feels the heavy leather cuffs go on. Hears the keepers put on the staples. A blind fold is put on her. Her heart pounds as she is turned around to face...what?

She is led away from the corner. She's glad she's barefoot as she feels the softness of carpet. Then a change in texture beneath her feet. It feels like plastic and crinkles when she walks. Her mind tried to envision what plastic would be needed for.

First one wrist then the other are brought up and attached to something. Not too high , about eye level. She feels cuffs attached to her ankles as her legs are spread. She cant move her legs afterwards. She tests them just to see.

Then music starts. It shatters the quiet and covers the low voices she had been straining to hear. She feels a hand on her shoulder. Fingers trail their way down her back. She jumps as she feels other hands lightly stroking her breasts and pull lightly on her nipples. They harden instantly and she hears a chuckle. She's a little ashamed of herself for how turned on she feels.

A bite of metal then at her nipples , and she moans as she feels the clover clamps take hold. The hands on her back are on her ass,squeezing and pulling. Then they pull away. " you ready?" a voice says in her ear. " yes" she whispers. "ahh..need to fix that" says the strange voice and her head is grabbed. " open" as she feels something hard at her lips. She complies and feels the ring gag go in her mouth. She open wide to accommodate it and feels the straps being snugged at the back of her head. " now you're ready"

Then nothing. Then the barest kiss of a flogger,soft across her ass. She wriggles a little and thinks to herself , perhaps it will be easy , gentle.and all the other preparation is just a mind fuck.

The flogger picks up intensity. She starts to feel little stings along with thuds. and she's getting into it,relaxing into the rhythm when a pain in her nipples brings her back. She cries out at the shock and again as she feels a sharp sting across her ass. The flogger has been exchanged for a crop and she feels the flap end of it as sharp little smacks are delivered to her ass..and down the back of her thighs.

She cant deny it feels good and she moans and sways a little. then a hard slap with the crop brings the heat to her skin and a warm hand rubbing at it eases it away. She moans with pleasure , hating the way the drool is slipping out her lips. another tug at the clamps on her nipples has her moaning again.

This continues on...the slaps the sharp sting of the crop followed by a warm hand and the jerk of the clamps. She's so hot , so horny she thinks she could fuck anything right now. She wantonly arches her ass towards the men and shivers with delight when the slapper hits her pussy lips. She moans and vocalizes as her nipples are pulled.

She feels her hands freed from where they were bound and shes told to kneel. Her hair is grabbed and her face held. She feels something forcing its way into her mouth. She cant really suck or do anything to stop it as it forces its way to the back of her throat gagging her.

A hard crop to the ass " take it!" has her moaning in pleasure as she tries to relax her throat. Her head is grabbed on either side and pulled to a mans body as his cock lodges in the back of her mouth. The other man had sped up his assault on her ass. the crops coming quicker

She is so wet , she near comes when she feels fingers at her pussy. " how many people are in here?" she thinks frantically to herself.

The man withdraws his cock from her mouth and she feels the gag being removed. She has a moment to be grateful then he forces the cock back in her mouth, She licks and sucks greedily,wanting to please him, her Masters warning in her mind.

Then her stops a minute. " get up slut" she hears as she is helped to her feet. She stands there , near shivering with need from the horniness the crop and clamps have crought out. She is a slut she thinks. She feels hands helping her down. Her legs are placed on either side of a body as she straddles someone. She groans gratefully as she feels a cock sliding into her sopping pussy. Then she is bent forward by a hand on her head and a cock is guided into her mouth.

Yes...it feels good. She grind on the cock some and licks at the cock in her mouth. Any strange feelings from having 2 different men at the same time are wiped away by the lust she feels

Then she feels hands on her back,pushing her down some. A finger explores her ass! She tries to struggle some but theres no getting away .Three sets of hands hold her in place as she feels a lubed cock working its way in her ass.

She nearly comes from the feeling of fullness. The man in her pussy holds still as the other works his way til hes deep in her ass. A yank on her nipples brings her back and she squirms.and moans from the feeling inside her.Then she feels the cock in her pussy withdraw and then reenter her as the one in her ass pulls out. They set a rhythm like that that has her grinding desperately on the man below her. She so close,wanting to cry out with the pleasure but the cock has filled her mouth.

The men increase their rhythm. Faster in and out of her,taking turns filling her and she cant take it , a pull on her abused nipples and shes flying. Jerking and screaming as she comes. She feels the man in her pussy stiffen , then shudder with his own climax. she feels him sliding out from under her and shes born to the floor by the man behind her. Her fucks her ass hard,brutally plunging in and out and she shakes as she feels another orgasm coming on. her wrists are pulled up towards the center of her back and she feels teeth sink into her as he comes.

After he withdaws, she lays on the plastic shuddering. trying to wrap her mind around what just happened. Her pussy tingles , her ass is hot from the crop and her nipples are in agony from the clamps.

She feels her ankles being released her wrists being freed from each other and she rubs her arms to negate the soreness and rolls to a sitting position. " who said you could move?" she hears and she immediately stiffens,holding herself still.

She is pushed onto her back. Her wrists pulled apart and hooked at right angle to her body. Her lefs are left free.

" I didnt cum yet" she hears a man say. " but there's something I need to do first" She feels something wet and warm splashing on her chest. " he marked your ass,now I'm marking you too" a man says and laughs. She cringes as she realizes he has just urinated on her." now suck" and a cock is forced in he mouth, She wants to resist , near gagging at the thought ,worrying is he going to pee in her mouth,but her Masters words come back to her..." please them"

She takes him in her mouth , grateful she doesnt taste any urine. He rams himself in her his cock growing harder as he forces his way deep in her throat. he holds her head as she gags,and withdraws a little to let her breath.

She feels fingers at her pussy again,playing with her clit and then something hard is forced in her. Not a cock, a dildo then. he sets up a rhythm fucking her slow and hard as his fingers lightly twist at her clit.

A slap to her face brings her attention back to the cock in her mouth and she sucks at him , trying to take all of him in without gagging.

The man working her pussy is good , and she soon feels an orgasm building. But she cant cum , distracted as she is by the man face fucking her. With a shout he pulls out and cums on her face. She hates that so much but tries not to react.

The man at her pussy quits then. She wants to cry in frustration...she's been so close! She whimpers a little and heres low chuckles in return

She hears the men getting up and then quiet. She can hear low voices over the music and then a door shutting. She lays there bound, unable to move. The minutes drag by then.. " my slut.." she hears her Master say. " Oh Sir" she manages, as shame overcomes her. She envisions herself laying on the floor bound. Covered in piss and cum. She wonders if he was there and saw her cumming with these unknown men fucking all her holes.

Her blindfold is removed and her hands unbound. " suck " he says in a stern voice. She jumps to obey , ignoring her sore arms and aching nipples. She greedily takes him in , feeling him fill her mouth. " lay down" he says and she does. Her sits on her face , driving his cock deep down her throat , his balls filling her nostrils, She s gagging as she feels him down there , she cant breathe. He grinds down in her throat and shes in ecstasy,though her body is starting to react to the lack of air. He pulls out a little , allowing her a breath , then again deep into her throat,pulling her hair hard and groaning with pleasure.

She's near flying with the pleasure of pleasing him like this , lack of air , being used by him. She hears his words as he tells her what a slut she is. How she's his fuckmeat to be used however he wants.

He pulls out of her mouth and she reaches for him. He grabs her legs and puts them on his shoulders as he sinks deep into her pussy , filling her . She instantly is aflame again and writhes on his cock,trying to pull him in deeper. A finger at her clit , he pinches it hard as he fucks her. Her cries are mingled pain and pleasure. then he rubs it as he shoves deep in her and she cums again , shouting with the intensity of it. As she lays there panting,floating,he pulls out,rolls her hips farther up , and plunges his cock in her ass. She cries out from the pain but he holds her tight, pulling all the way out then back in again. Holding her tight as he reclaims His holes. Setting up a rhythm as his fingers gently rub her sensitive clit in counterpoint to his thrusts. " oh may I cum?" she cries " no slut" he says yet intensifies the action on her clit. She cries with frustration as she fights the orgasm.

Then as he stiffens he says " now slut cum for me" and she does. Near crying with the intensity from fighting it off. The waves of pleasure roll over her and still he teases her clit ,a djusting the pressure to keep her cumming. She's crying as she screams out another orgasm,jerking in his arms

Afterwards he helps her clean up. Showering away all traces of other men. and he lays down on his bed and puts her head on his belly,his cock in her mouth..and as he dozes off he tells her " good girl" and she drifts off to sleep with that in her head.

FEAR

It grips me at the oddest moment
I'll hear a noise, the a/c will kick on
a light left burning that shouldnt be

even when out and about in the humid summer heat
thinking of going home to the coolness of my little house
driving about, making my living

a sound , a breeze , a stray thought
and I know my days are numbered
calendars invade my mind
a date marked in red
glaring at me balefully

and the days slip by
 counting down
with the inevitableness of a new scorching dawn

it's coming

and I cant hide

soon

the days will be gone

disappearing into the coming distance like

twisting mirages on a hot flat road
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and my July electric bill will come due

I am too much for some
not enough for others

I want someone to see me
just me
all of me

but one thing I know in this lifestyle
you have to protect yourself

because if you make me feel ~ that ~ way
I dont know how to stop
and if its just ' play'
then I dont need to let my submissive out
she's needy
and hard to control

back to the closet

alone again
cloaked in loneliness'
cape of bitter gray

empty heart ,
closed throat holds in
the forlorn sighs

nocturnal wanderings
only enforce the aloneness
of my abandoned heart

Boy I had forgotten how hard it can be..to reach out to folks...

I email back and forth with a few,but I dont like to hand out my YIM name quickly and experience has taught me this is better...but it's still so hard to reach out.

I can be very open in my writings simply because you have to know me really well to get openness from me face to face....

i suppose that the fact that my former Master was one of the first men I met when I started 'looking' again after my last relationship doesnt help....

and while it's wonderful to talk with people I can be open and honest with , they are usually 1000 miles away....

I need to feel someone...I need to look in someones eyes...I need to be enveloped in someones arms

but then,don't we all?

As I was looking through profiles,a little annoyance struck me..people who say things which shouldnt be talked of til you at least know the person.

I am talking about profiles where men prattle on about a " no limits slave"  or wanting "a woman that knows she is nothing" without them.

well...I'll admit I don't know all there is to know, nor even all that much when it comes to techniques and play...but I do know that I can be a no limit type chick...I do want One who will rule me..but that comes with trust and knowing that you are safe.

I can have no limits when I know I am valued and cherished and can trust in that.

I know and have experienced the almost worshipful feelings I have felt for my One. the feelings of only wanting to please him,because in doing that I am fulfilled.

But I sure am not putting that out there in my public profile. Because I'm not going to feel that way about every dominant..or even many..I hope I can feel that way about someone in the future though.

so it just seems to me that I am not the only subbmissive/sub/subbie to feel this way. and a man that seems to be demanding that of me,right off the bat,is someone I will stay away from

In this,as in everything,you catch more flies with honey than you do vinegar.

I guess we all do the self protective thing. Trying to save our feelings by being all rough and tough

Or some might rationalize it as " cutting through the chaff"..but really,are you that busy that you cant be bothered with emails or looks from people unless they fit your exact criteria?


It just seems to me that if people would look at their profiles through the eyes and mind of the person they are trying to attract, they might be a bit happier...and maybe less lonely

rant over ... have a great day  : )