Well apparently because I am not willing to drop down and  submit, and turn  my whole life over to someone for them to control who claims to be a "dom", then I don't have a right to be here on CM?  When did that become a rule here? Is it a new rule that has been put into effect and I am the last one to be made aware of it? 

If my being independant, strong willed and able to fend for myself and take care of myself means that I am not a submissive by mosts "standards" then so be it.  I don't accept that, but as the old saying goes, "Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one". 

Well I have been in Louisiana now for 3 weeks as of today. And it's been as rough as I thought it would be being back here and around family.  But I'm doing the best I can to deal with it all and keep my sanity.

I did start a job this week. So that's one positive thing going for me right now. It's just a waitressing job and as with all new jobs things start off slow.  I'm really hoping the hours pick up and the business does as well a bit more if not I will have to wound up continuing to look for another job and keep this one as a part time basis.

The hardest part of all of this, being here is having to live with my Aunt and Uncle right now. I've spent  most of the past 3 weeks taking care of them both, cooking and cleaning (My Aunt is NOT a house cleaner by any means) and there's still a good month's worth of cleaning out, rooms, cleaning rooms to get through as well. 

I had been taking my lap top to the library or to my sister's to just get on line and mess around with my music. But decided tonight to just hook up my Aunt's cable modem to my lap top instead of getting on her very old and slow desk top. She has only been on her desk top once in the 3 weeks since I've been here, so I'm sure this is going to work just fine without my having to buy a wireless router.  I'll find out tomorrow when I tell her what I did.

There's just too much of my past life haunting me by returning here and living here.  I believe all of that will ease up once I am able to get out of here and get a place of my own again and not have to deal with family on a daily basis.  But I know that is not going to happen any time soon, I'm thinking it may be several months before I have enough saved and have the right job to be able to afford to get an apartment or something of my own. 

My privacy and not always having to be so quiet, having to shut myself up in this room at 8pm every night so as to not keep Aunt and Uncle awake is a lil on the tough side at times.

But Slowly I am getting things set up in this room to where eventually I can just stay in here or my bedroom to be on line and/or watch tv.  Just have to get it all cleared out and more on a comfortable level and get the cable company out here to run new cable to the tv, cause the cable hooked to it now is over 20 years old and has very bad reception on the tv. Hell it will probably take me a week just to get this room cleaned out, cleaned and organized.  But they have this huge red shed out bad that is basically empty and I'm going to work on filling it up with all the extra "stuff" she has stuffed into every corner of every room in this trailer.  Can't really say too much though, her and my Uncle have been married 57 years now. That is a hell of a long time to collect and accumilate tons of things over the course of a life time.

Well it is moving day.  I still have a bit of things to get together, but pretty much everything is packed and all of the furniture is gone with the exception of my tv, lil table and chair.  And my friend is coming to get those things this morning.

I've been awake pretty much off and on all night. Sleeping on a floor is not a place to sleep if you are wanting/needing sleep. So around 4am I finally decided to get up and get my coffee, then start gathering up everything else and when the sun comes up will start packing up my car.

I am hoping to be on the road no later than 10am, but that all depends on when my friend gets here. Told her yesterday to be here no later than 8am, so I'm hoping she will be.

I'm having mixed feelings about all of this right now. Part of me wants to see my family and part of me wishes I was heading somewhere's else. I just so want out of the south and to go somewhere's that has 4 seasons, instead of just two ... Hot and then Hotter and Humid. Which is what you get in Louisiana. So I'm glad my Aunt had an air conditioner put in my bedroom since my Uncle tends to turn the central air off on a regular basis.

I'm trying to make myself believe everything is going to be okay once I get down there and am some what settled in. I should arrive around 5 or 6pm, just depends on if I stop or how the traffic is. I haven't fully decided yet if I will get up Friday morning and head out to start looking for a job, or if I will take the weekend to get settled in completely and then get up Monday and hit the pavement, so to speak.  I guess it will all depend on how I feel once I get there.

Depending on what kind of job I get and how much I will be making will I know how quickly I can start looking for a place of my own. I am really hoping it's only going to take a couple of months at the most.  Yes, I love my Aunt and Uncle, but they are in their 70's and aren't the easiest people to always be around so I'm not quite sure how it's going to go having to live with them. But I'm going to give it my best shot to make it work because I really have no other choice, except going to my parents home and they live in such a very tiny little town there are no jobs to be found unless you drive 35 to 45 miles away.

All I can say at this point is, time will tell on what happens and how well things will go.

Well my babies are gone now. I will never have another pet as long as I live. Nothing has hurt as bad as seeing them go and I mean NOTHING.  Ok let me take that back for a moment, the ONLY thing in my life that has hurt worse was the day my brother was killed. Nothing can hurt worse than that.  But nothing in my life over the years has ever caused my heart so much pain as it did to watch my babies be taken away.

My Mom told me that I could always get a couple more kitties once I move and get into a place of my own again and then once that happens no one will be able to ever take them from me. I informed her there won't be that chance because as much as this is hurting me, I'll never be able to go through losing another pet again.

Little Bit wasn't that bad to get in the kennel, but Sabrina ran away and it took me about 10 mins to get ahold of her and all she could do was "cry out" at me. When the woman that was taking them, Lisa came in, they went totally crazy in the kennel. They always hid when someone came into the apartment. Lisa told me to get a sheet or blanket to put over the kennel and that would calm them down and it did instantly.  Little Bit keep looking out at me from under the sheet where it didn't cover completely. She looked so sad and scaared. If I had the money today I'd pack my car and leave right now. This apartment is already lonely without them.

I had to trick Sabrina by dragging a rope across the floor and then grabbed her.

I just don't know how to handle this in a calm manner at all. They were all I had the last year and now, they are gone.

I decided to put a picture up of my two kittie cats.  They have been my family for the last year and my heart is totally broken in a million pieces knowing I have to give them up before I leave Florida in 3 days.  They have been the only things that have kept my sanity in the last 6 months or so.  Our pets give us so much and for those that don't have a pet, you have no idea what it is that you are missing in your life.

Their love is unconditional.  They don't demand of you, but just expect you will be there to take care of them and to love them as they love you. Everything I look at them, watch them play or watch them sleeping I just start crying, as I am, which is making it very hard to type at the moment.  So I guess it's a good thing I know the keyboard by touch.

For anyone that has lost a pet, or have had to give one away, I am sure knows exactly how I feel. Our pets become our family or part of our family.  Out of my whole family in Louisiana, I am the only cat lover.  Everyone pretty much have dogs in their lives.  So that's the main reason why I can't take them with me. I will be staying with a family member that has a dog and honestly can't stand cats.

I finally broke down and started packing today.  I've put it off for as long as I could.  I have the boxes stacked up in the bedroom and Little Bit (in the pic, she is the one close to my leg) decided it was her new climbing toy. So I sat on the bed and just watched her work so hard to get to that top box.  I honest will sit around and watch them, listening to my music instead of watching tv.

Damn it. When in the hell is life going to turn towards the good way for me?  Everyone keeps telling me "Everything happens for a reason" and I used to believe that myself a long time ago. But what I want to know is, "WHAT IN THE HELL IS THE REASON?"

2012 has brought me nothing but one hell after another. And the last of course is being evicted and having to give up my babies.

I am fixing to be 44 years old. And as I asked my Mom, how many more times in my life am I going to have to start over? And of course she reminds me that I've been down before and I've always managed to pick myself up and keep on going.  But I'm tired, just so tired of struggling every day of my life just to wake up the next day and do it all over again.

I know my Mom and other family members are happy I am returning home after so many years of being away (I left Louisiana when I was 19 and have only returned maybe 5 times in all these years). And in all honesty, I am not looking forward to returning there even now. I'm just not close to my family, except my Mom and of course she lives 3 1/2 hours away from where I will be living. Which means I will not get to see it often at all, mainly due to my Dad's health.

I am having to leave everything I own here, except for my personal things that will fit into my car.  I have an apartment fully of furniture and a kitchen full of dishes. And I have to walk away from it all. I have one of those so-called off and on friend that said she and her boyfriend would be over today to pick up the love seats and huge kitchen table. She said she was going to pay me for all of this stuff and try to resell it all. And as usual, she has not shown up nor has she called.  And seeing as how it's 4pm, I know she will not. Oh well, that will just mean that the  landlord will have an apartment full of stuff to give away, use or sell.

You know, I really should be used to all of this.  Over the last 20+ years I have moved so many times, from one state to another with only what will fit in my car and started over. But for some reason this time is being so hard on me.  And I think the main reason that is, is because of my kitties, Little Bit and Sabrina. I have tried for weeks on end to find a home for them and no one will take them or they all have damn dogs and can't take them.  I was trying so hard to not to have to take them to a shelter, but it l ooks like that is exactly what I am going to have to do and that is tearing me totally to apart.  I am all they have known since they were 6 weeks old. And I got them for myself on my birthday last year, June 16th. So I've had them almost a year now.

Mama told me once I get a job and get a place of my own again I could always get another cat or two and I told her No. I'm losing these two, that I've fully have given my heart to and I can not ever go through this kind of pain again. It is not worth it.

I know some of you that may actually read my journals will thing I'm just a crazy lady going on and on about my cats.  But what so many don't realize is, they are all I've had in my life in this last year. I have no family here and really no friends that I can actually call friends.  As I already said about this so-called on and off friend, that's pretty much all I have had in my life since I moved here over 6 years ago. I knew they were always here when I came home to greet me. I never doubted their devotion and love towards me.

I have already changed my state and location here on CM. In just 3 days time I will be in Louisiana.

I've been given until the end of the month before I have to move out.  As things still stand I will be returning home to Louisiana, which is not something that I wish to have to do. But as I've learned over the course of my life. We all have to do things we really do not wish to do at some point and time.

Well it has become sort of official. I recieved notice from my land lord today that I need to agree to an agreement with her to get caught up on my rent, to which there is no way I can afford to do. So I guess the next step will be to be served with an eviction notice.  Earlier today I had just asked my Mom, "What in the hell can happen next?" And of course within just a couple of hours, the notice was taped to my door.  So I guess I learned exactly what would happen next.

So I guess my next step is to find out exactly how long I have to vacate the apartment.  I already know that I will be moving back home to Louisiana, that is the only option that I have right now. As someone I once knew used to always say,"It Is What It Is".

Well I'm not quite sure what has happened to my last couple of entries on here, but apparently they have disappeared. Or at least I think they did.  Last entries are from May of last year and I know I've written a few entries since I returned to CM last week.

OK I still don't know what happened to the entries I made last week, but I realized that the huge journal I was remembering I had was with my old user name here. And I deleted that one a long time ago apparently.

Guess that just means I don't have to update on things I had written last week since they aren't here lol  Gotta love on line and all the funny things that seems to happen here.

I will try and remember what I put in my last entry to the best of my ability. Lord, it's amazing how our minds work.  Apparently it wasn't a journal entry I am recalling, but what I actually wrote IN my profile.

There's just way too much stuff going through my mind these days I suppose to even keep up with it all. That old saying "Life Is A Bitch" well she sure is doing a job on me this year.  I can honestly say that these past 5 months have been the worst that I can remember in my adult life. I keep having people tell me "keep your head up", "it will get better", "just give it time", on and on and on and I swear if one more person tells me anything along those lines I am going to scream so loud people in Canada will be able to hear  me.

I am usually one of the most positive people in the world. I'm the one always telling people it will be okay, it will get better. But now being the one hearing that makes me never want to say those things to another person as long as I  live.  I am not one to bitch and moan about anything, especially life.  But there comes a time to where a person can only handle so much before they just feel like they are going to break and never be able to mend again and that is exactly where I am at in my life.  I don't see a light at the end of this road any wheres.  But there has to be one, doesn't there?

My Mom keeps telling me that I have survived alot in my  life, that some how, some way I have always found a way out of whatever situation I was in and found a way back up on top again.  That I never gave up, that I was one of the strongest person's she has ever know because I never quit. I fight until I win. And I guess if anyone knows us better than we know ourselves it would be our Mom's.

But even hearing all of that from her, doesn't really make any of this easier. Partly it makes it worst because I don't feel as strong as I know I used to be.  Maybe it's because I'm older now and just don't have the strength to fight again. I'm soon going to be 44 years old and I'm having to start all over again. I know when the time comes I will be leaving Florida and who knows where I will end up next. I have moved so much in my life that there honestly is no place in this world that I feel I can call home.  Sure where my family lives is considered home, but I left there when I was 19 years old and have only been back for visit's over the last 10 years a few times.  it's just not home for me, just because that is where my family lives.

Where do we find the strength to go on? is it buried deep within us?  How much digging do we have to do, to find it again, over and over? Doesn't that strength ever run out? I believe it has for me because I just can't seem to find it this time. I have had many people tell me to turn to God. And  not to offend anyone out there, I just turn a deaf ear to them.  I know the saying, "God doesn't put more on us than we can handle. And what He does put on us will only make us stronger in the end".  All I can say to that at this point in my life is BULLSHIT!  How much can God honestly believe we can take? Don't get me wrong, I BELIEVE in God. I was saved many years ago and used to go to church everytime the doors would open.  But that ended for me when my baby brother was killed when he was only 18 years old. I couldn't understand back then and I still do not understand today, almost 20 years later how He could let Robert die at such a young age, when he was the one that was suppose to out live all of us.

People say "turn your life over to God and everything will be okay". I just walk away and don't listen to that stuff. Yes I'm angry and bitter and I feel defeated and lost and out of control of my own life.  How can we put all of that into God?  What is the purpose of it?  Ok, enough of this talk, religion is a topic I honestly can't stand talking about.  And I will repeat here to anyone that reads this ... This above was not intended to offend anyone and if it did then I will apologize and say, Don't read my journals if you offend that easily.

It's kind of funny that I just wrote all that when I am sitting here listening to LifeHouse "Everything".  If you don't know the song, do a search for it on youtube. But it's one of my favorite songs.

I know in this world there are alot of people worst off than I am. At least for now I do have a roof over my head, but am not sure for how long. And if I do lose my home, at least I will have a car for shelter and I know many out in the world don't even have that. But knowing all of this, it is still impossible to put aside my feelings and thoughts on what life is for me these days. I just keep telling myself that life HAS to get better one of these days.  I WILL find a job, I WILL catch up on my rent, I WILL keep being able to make my car payments and insurance. I WILL make it. But even all those postive thoughts doesn't take away the doubt and fear that I have. My saying these days is ... Time Will Tell.

I was bored and figured I'd just browse some of the profiles here and just read and see what people had to say about themselves and others. The below I copied right off of a profile and it just strikes me as funny ....

Looking for a slave that likes to be used and realizes it doesn't matter what she wants. It is how she can please her master when he uses her as a piece of property. 

I'm just really curious to all of the females out there in this world ... is there any one of you that would truly, deep down in your beings, in your heart, mind and soul truly be willing to accept such a thing and be treated as a thing?

I know and understand many aspects of our lifestyle. I know and understand what being a slave means to many. I honestly just can't help but wonder how can anyone totally give up their whole self worth, their self being and not be given even a thought to unless being used as anything but a piece of meat. 

Maybe it's just my getting older that makes these things just seem so unreal in my mind. I'm not and I repeat, I AM NOT putting anyone down about their beliefs, feelings, thoughts or opinions, this is just ME thinking and wondering and trying to figure out how another human being can expect, demand and want another human being to act like a piece of property, a thing, a non-being if you will.

Maybe it comes from my being single for so many years, from obtaining and maintaining such a strong sense of independence for so many years, but then again, I do not believe that because from the very beginning when I first learned about and started exploring BDSM I came to realize that being a slave in this lifestyle by many standard's (not everyones) means giving up everything you are to another and that has never been anything I could ever allow my self to do.

Then again I've had many claim that I am not even a submissive because I don't drop to my knees because someone lays claim to being something that they feel I just have to have.

The way I look at things is very simple and straight cut. It will take someone of a very strong mental state to be able to have me in his life. I have a strong mind, I have a sharp tongue, I have a curious nature and I like to know what is going on, why it's going on and when it's going to happen.  If I can't trust you enough to know without having to question then you aren't for me, it's that simple.

There is a time to be serious in life, but in a relationship you have got to have the fun, the humor, the jokes, the smartassness, the goofiness along with the seriousness to make it all come together.

When I read profiles such as above I just want to email these people with just one sentence .... "Lighten up and learn to have fun and enjoy life".

I have in my mind the "perfect" BDSM relationship for me and my life. What I see as "perfect" is not for others. But if it is for me and the one other person that may come along one day, that is all that matters.

I have just never been one to believe in showing my submissive side to just anyone and everyone. That part of me is reserved, it's there for only One person to bring out, to see, to cherish, to encourage and to help grow. So until the day comes that, that One Person comes along and enters my life, I will continue as I am ... Being a head strong, stubborn, smartass, feisty, spunky and witty woman.

Well it seems even when you pay someone a compliment on here, they can't even have the respect to even respond with a simple Thank you.  Just once again proves my point that most (not all, but the majority) of the people here are just stuck on themselves.

People need to get their heads out of their asses and realize that people have hearts and most times it's not always easy for other's to just take that chance and reach out to others.

It doesn't matter how many years go by, how many idiots I come across, it still will always just stun me at how self centered people are.

Thought about deleting this but figured I'd just add to it .... the Bravo was given too soon, just another person here that doesn't think about anyone but themselves. Should have known.

For so many years I've been trying so hard to state what life is about for myself. What BDSM is about, what it means to me, what it entitles, what it has to offer in life when you find the one you want/need in your life.

Today I came across a profile that I have seen numerous times here and never really bothered to read through the whole thing until today, for one main reason, the age of the person (10 years younger).  And that was my own stupidity showing for after reading his profile I realized that he had a way of stating everything in such a great manner that I've been trying to express and say for more years than I care to remember.

I will be emailing him after I write this post to thank him for his words, his way of believing what our lives are about in this world of BDSM. And if he allows me to give his name here then I will because I feel his profile is something that everyone should read, take in and truly believe in. Very few profiles over the years catch my attention, but this one did and all I can say is: BRAVO.

Some people just will never get it, will they?  How hard is it to actually READ and pay attention and understand what it is you read and hear?

I made a decision a couple of years ago to stop dating and even attempting to meet guys for 1 sole reasons. For ME and my sanity. I came to the realization that those I was meeting was after nothing more than what I could give them and do for them sexually.  I AM NOT A SEX TOY!!!  I am not in this world to give you sexual pleasure or to see how much pleasure you can give to me.  I am not in this world to drop to my knees just because you want it. I am a human being, I am someone, I am a woman that believes I have the right to happiness and fullfillment in ways that I feel I deserve.

I will be 43 years old in June and I am not going to play these games with the idiots of the world. My life is simple, uncomplicated, no drama, no bullshit, no games. And I refuse, I repeat, I REFUSE to give into those that believe just because I am a submissive, just because I am a female that I'm in this world for their pleasure and nothing more.

BDSM is based on mutual trust, interests, enjoyments and yes even pleasure in numerous ways. But life is NOT ALL about BDSM.  There is too much in life to enjoy and explore to limit it to just ONE aspect of life.  Why can't people get this? I know that not all men (and yes even women) think this way. I know there are those out there that think and believe the way I do. But finding them has been like pulling the sword out of the stone ... impossible. But I believe it's a good thing I'm so stubborn and do not give up easily because here I still am trying and looking and searching refusing to give up.

Come on people, wake up and face reality. Life is precious. Nothing is set in stone or forever. Is getting that moment of sexual pleasure all you are truly after in life? Just that moment will not carry you through your life, but just through that moment.

I will not settle. I will not be a toy for you to use when you fell the need and then be forgotten until that need arises again. I have been single for over 5 years now and I will remain single for another 5 years if that's what it takes to find the one person in this huge world that fits my life and I fit his life.  It's that simple.

Just got a call from the Animal Hospital where I take Bingo and he is there.  Someone dropped him off there yesterday stating they found him wandering around the streets.  So I'm headed up to go get my Bingo!!!!

Well things had been going pretty good in the last week or so.  Bingo and I had adjusted to each other, gotten attached to each other and he proved to be the most loving and affectinate dog I've ever had.  Well apparently someone else wanted/needed him more than I did because when I got home last night he was gone.  Someone had to come into my property and take him or they let him out and he ran away.

I think I'm still in shock that he isn't here. But I know I didn't sleep because he was not there in bed with me. I woke up feeling lost this morning because I don't have him here to walk, play with and love on.  I know I only had him a few short weeks, but it only took a few days for my heart to get attached to him and it's been a long time since I've felt a heartache of this nature.

I'm just at a total loss and not sure how to handle this right now.

On a positive note. Yesterday I paid the security deposit on my new apartment. So I will be leaving this old, broken down trailer into a new remodeled apartment the week of May 8th. Maybe it will help me deal better with Bingo being gone once I have moved.

Update on Bingo:

Well Bingo seems to be back to his old self again. He is eating and all bouncy and happy for the last 2 days.  He still has a bit of a cough but I'm hoping as he finishes the antibotics and cough meds that he will slowly get rid of it completely.

I'm learning quickly how smart he is. I can tell whomever had him before me really took care of him and for whatever reason couldn't keep him which is proving to be a good thing for me.  He loves to be held and given attention.  As one of my cousin's told me on Facebook, "Having a dog inside is like having a 2 year old", lord wasn't she ever right on that. :)

He is learning my routine now and I just love it. He knows when I'm up and isn't happy when i don't come straight out to greet him and take him out the second I get up. For the first time he was actually scratching on the door to tell me he was ready to go out.

I know without any doubt adopting him was the best decision I've made in a very very long time.

     Well life has just been going forward, day to day. Nothing has really changed. I just go to work and come home, as a person at work always says, "SSDD".

     Week before last I decided I needed to have a pet in my life and I wanted a cat, but landlord was very against having  a cat in his trailer so I choose to look for a small dog instead.  After searching a few different places I found one that I just fell in love with almost instantly. He is a 3 yr old poodle/terrier mix and the most lovable dog I've ever seen.

     Of course adopting from a shelter they require you to have them fixed and shots given so all of that was done last Thursday. I choose to name him Bingo and he seems to have settled himself in very nicely.

     We are just having an issue with a cough/gagging thing he has been doing since Friday night.  Neither of us have gotten much sleep all weekend and it's making me not a very happy person. So I called the vet today and they told me to bring him in this morning and of course I did.

     He has what apparently 98% of animals get that are in shelters called Kennel Cough, which the Vet said was a combination of a viral/bacterial infection.  She said his lung sound very clear and he has lost almost 2 lbs since Thursday because I can't get him to eat at all. He was running a low grade fever as well.  She gave me antibotics and a cough surppressent to give to him and told me, "Don't give up on him Mom, he needs you and I can tell you need him. This WILL pass."  I guess she could see how tired I was.

      So Came home, gave him the pills (that was a challenge) and now he is pissed at me, but he is in his kennel (where he stays unless he chooses to sit with me on the couch or go to bed with me) and is sound asleep. So the challenge will continue and I will have patience with him while we both get through these next few days or so.

      I know in the end, he will prove to be as good for me (in a sense he already has) as I will be for him.

Things are going well in life these days. Just the usual stresses of making it through each day and surviving. Life is as it should be.

Last weekend was not all that great.  I was trying to figure out where did I fit in with my family and this whole world.  I came to the realization that most of the times within my family I am just an after thought that gets remembered on occasions or after the fact of things occuring. 

Maybe that comes from my not being home. Not having stayed in Louisiana and went on with my own life so many years ago. I made the decision to get out and go forward and try to make a life for myself away from my family.  I sometimes wonder if that was the mistake that I made all those years ago, then I realize that I shouldn't be penalized for living my own life and making my own choices, of being independant on my own and doing for me.

Last Saturday my Mom called to tell me that my Uncle had had a massive stroke on Thursday night and that he was brain dead and they were going to be pulling the plug sometimes that morning.  I was upset about it and couldn't believe it.  Within 45 minutes my Mom called back that they had pulled the plug and he want peacefully. 

When I got off the phone with her the reality of it hit me hard and I was so angry with her and everyone else for not telling me before Saturday that he was going to die.  He stroked on Thursday and I find out less than an hour before they pull the plug on him.  My mom told me my Aunt and Sister tried to TEXT me, then she remembered I had taken texting off of my phone.  Who in the hell texts someone that a family member is dying???  My family does.

A friend came over that night and we talked about life and all kinds of situations we were both dealing with.  She told me I needed to tell my Mom how I felt once and for all and stop holding it all in and "Protecting" them.

So a few days later I did. I asked why was I not called the night my Uncle had his stroke? Why was I not given the chance to come home and see him and say good bye?  I could have been home early Friday morning to be there and see him regardless if he was not aware that anyone was there ... I was NOT given the chance to say good bye as everyone else did.  I was not there with my family to grieve and have support and give support.  I was not given a chance for it to all sink in from one phone call telling me he was going to die to the next call that he was dead.

I felt it was so unfair and unthoughtful of all of them.  I informed my Mom that I was tired of being an after thought to everyone there. Just because I wasn't there in Louisiana doesn't mean I don't count or matter within my family.

My Mom got such an attitude with me and appeared to actually get pissed at me. And of course I was the one to apologize first for speaking my mind.  2 days later I get a voice message from her stating, "No shit has happened, just called to say I love you". And I could hear the anger in her voice, so I made the choice not to return that call for a few days.

I told her the next time something happens to someone in my family, to try and remember I exist and I matter. I also informed her that the next time something happens, NO ONE had better try and text me about it.  Who the hell wants to read via a text message that a family member is dying or dead?  If you have my number then call it, don't send a damn text message.

I tried calling Mom a couple of times and always got voice mail but did not leave a message. My Mom finally called me back on Friday and she sounded really upset and again yesterday. We talked this morning for a little bit but all of this is still heavy on my heart and I don't know how to get past it right now.

This is not the first time something of this nature has occured over the years. Hell the last time it happened I was actually living in Louisiana for a few months and I was the last to know and I lived 15 minutes from my closest family member.

Another Uncle asked me last week why didn't I just come home to Louisiana?  And I asked him, "Why should I? What would it bring to me or anyone else to have me closer?"  He didn't like those questions and the topic was dropped.

Yes it's hard being apart from your family, not only by distance but by emotions as well. But it's just a part of life and that's how it has been for most of my adult life.

I'm a survivor. I live my life to the best that I can and I always will. Yes it's a lonely existance but it's the choice I made when I left home when I was 20 and I honestly do not regret that choice even after over 20 years of being gone.

Life goes on until the day it stops.

Well it's been a little bit since I've written anything here on CM.  I honestly forget about even coming on here much anymore but when I do it's still all the same. Some things just aren't meant to change.

Life is going just fine for me. The choices I've made in the past few  months has proven to be good for me and my life in one way or another.

December 1st I bought myself a new car and it enabled me to be able to go home for Christmas and be with my family for the first time in 4 years.  It was hard to leave but we have to do what we have to do.

I know that I will not be remaining here in Florida for the rest of my life.  But as long as I hold onto the decent job I have and things continue to go forward I will remain here, but I know without a doubt it won't be forever.  I hate the South. I always have and one day I'll be back in a place that has 4 season's a year to actually enjoy instead of just 2 .... Hot and Cold.  Only time will tell on where and when things will change in life.