the shrooms I ate today did little more than make me sick and a little visuals. Writhing on the floor feeling as if I was always about to vomit while the minds eye cartoons played in my skull. I decided to crank up the bike and go for a drive to help settle my stomach a bit. It helped.

I walked out on Rebecca yesterday. I dont really want friends with benefits. Its not the kind of relationship I need at this point in my life. I truly seek a partner, someone to share all that life may be with.  The energy and efforts of being with her can be better saved for someone else who truly seeks the same. Andy says Im a fucking pussy and I should have been a girl for walking away from a guaranteed lay,but what does he know he hasnt gotten layed since before Jerry Garcia died.

I just got back from a fetish show in Tampa. Very exciting. I was part of a stage show with some friends of mine. I enjoy playing the role of the Sadist. Its so not my true personality,but I can pull it off VERY WELL.

Nothing new really going on. I was promoted at work, whooo hooo.

Little B, my KZ250 motorcycle, is sick and they dont manufacture parts for her anymore. The trip to Tampa was abit hard on the old gal. I think I am going to have to retire her from long rides.

I got a new (well new to me) 71 sportster. I thought it would be good to have one from the year I was born. Its in fairly decent shape for as old as it is. Alot like me. I got rid of the Dyna Glide. I got tired of always having to do repairs instead of being able to ride. I went and checked into buying another NEW Harley but I dont really like the style of the newer bikes. I am thinking of just purchasing the welding machines to start to manufacture my own chopper and just buy an S and S engine. Really Harley Davidsons are not great bikes. Even Sonny says he wishes the H A would have switched over to another kind of motorcycle. Hell, Honda makes a great Vtwin and they cost about a third of what a new Harley does. AND they are liquid cooled which when you put a ten hour day on a motorcycle comes in handy.

well no new news from outer space, Later.

I Jumped on the motorcycle at about 6 am this morning. In a last minute decision I raced over to St Augustine to go see the surviving memebers of the Grateful Dead. It was phenominal. The lot was alot of fun. People kicking down tickets to kids wanting to see the show for less than face value. I got mine for 20 bucks. I partied all afternoon with old friends and new friends. The boys were in fine form  Jackstraw and Brokendown Palace were some of the shows highlites. I was tripping pretty good on some fluff and was having one of the best times EVER! Damn sure beats doing things like that inside. We went to the camp ground down the road and raged on some drums on the beach and finally after a Calonapin to help shut down the eyelid cartoons I was watching as the sun rose I passed out into the sand. I wouldnt have missed it for the world.

Some poety I wrote

 On the front porch of the house we rented

 we sat and felt the empty city sweat and fret we passed a cigarette back and forth

 as once we passed words like these between us

 without hope of keeping

Now I write without hope of answer

 to say that what we gave eachother nakedly was too much

and not enough To say that since we last touched I am not empty

I hear you named and my heart starts

the pieces of your voice you left are interleaved with mine

and to this quick spark

in the emptiness to say yes

I miss how love may make us otherwise

Unfortunately the spacing of this journal does not allow for the dymbic pentameter I originally planned for this but It is one of the best pieces I have done in a while.So I thought I would share it as bit of a view into the person that I am.

some women seem to devoid of the concept that a man,while still a strong man, needs a good woman behind him at times to really accomplish goals and dreams in life. Is it so far fetched that I should want a woman younger,not so young she doesnt know what she wants in life,but young enough to still have the ability to be spontaneous and have a sense of adventure;yet at the same time have some stability and direction. Its crazy,at least to me, that I should have these women come into my life and pull away when I express the desire to actually go to the realm of a real relationship. I guess I am asking too much to want the best of both worlds. To meet a woman who is both a complete freak and also good woman. Someone that can be an anchor in my life and has the same hopes and dreams of a real relationship beyond the playtime. At thirty nine I know what I want. I know what I need and have the ability to give that again to the right woman that wants the same. I have continually run into women that appreciate the way I treat them,but cant seem to wrap their mind around the fact that I seek something more than just a good time. Oh well whatever I guess.Maybe I'm asking too much and should just desire to only have playtime. Naw, not what I need.

I FOUND THEM. Led Zeppelin ticket stubs. I am so very excited. I am going to add signed Zeppelin tickets to my collection of signed concert memorabilia. All of it I got myself. I have Bob Dylan,Jerry Garcia, Phil Lesh,Bob Weir, Trey Anastasio. BBking, Widespread Panic, Willie Nelson, Merle Haggard, Big Brother and the Holding Company, Snoop Dogg, Beastie Boys, Katey Perry, MOFRO, Hank III, and now Robert fucking PLANT! Patrick my prospect for the MC says I have to leave them to him in my will. I hope I can have a child someday to leave them to,but...

                                               An Accident of Disaster

Some friends in the local community got together sunday to play. It was something they did from time to time. She being married and local librarian and he being a member of a motorcycle club. Apparently they got together to break the roles they played in real life. She being the Domme  and he being the sub apparently in their little get togethers.

So, a suspension hanging. Hung from a hook in the ceiling with chains and when he started to asphyxiate she did not have the upper body strength to get him down.

Me, being a brother and also known to them both to being the more open minded sexual member of the club received the call about eleven thirty last night. I convinced her that it was best to call the ambulance and not just wait. I guess it wouldnt have mattered. She being too green and probably freaking out had left him up there too long. He is on medical life support and when they pull the plug he will die. She will be charged with manslaughter. Her family which did not know of her lifestyle is now going to have it splashed all over the front pages of the news. He leaving behind two children. I worry about them the most. Noone has been able to locate her mom a junky meth head for months. I was able to call another friend to make sure they will be provided for and such. So how was your weekend? Hopefully better than mine.

                              R.I.P. Augustus Owsley Stanley III

                              January 19,1935- March 13, 2011

I just got a phone call this morning from Gwen, my friend,and Owlseys daughter. She said she would have called sooner, but with the funeral arrangements and all it took some time to get around to it. I guess I can forgive her for that.

I remember the first time I met Owsley, or the Bear as he would always prefer to be called. I was travelling on Grateful Dead tour in 1989 and the crew had business with the band at the park plaza. Me being the youngest, I had to sit out front and make sure noone messed with the bikes. I had to take a piss and went inside to the lobby and there was Bear with this jewelry layed out on a indian carpet on the floor in front of the fountain. I was drawn to the display and asked about the "steal your face" buckle design he had. "steal your face is a mediocre Grateful Dead album" he said. "That art work is called the skull fuck". Me,being young and a bit of a know it all I argued that and wanted to know where he got his info." "I got it from me" he said, " I came up with the design". I figured whatever right some old asshole saying he was god or jesus would have been the same. Little did I know that was my first contact with the man that practically single handedly turned on a generation to LSD. Owsley Stanley.

My mom knew Owsley better than I did. She lived in San Francisco during that magical period of the mid 1960s. Back when LSD was still legal, and you could get it free at the psychedelic shop. The acid test were in full swing and Ken Kesey and the Merry pranksters were turning on people by the thousands. Owsley ordered a million hits of Lysergic Acid monohydrate and taught himself with the help of his Girlfiend how to convert the tartrate salt of the monohydrate to the more potent formula of Lysergic acid DI-ethyl-amide 25. This was before it made illegal on October 6,1966. The very first batches ever made hit the streets roughly in june of 1966. (note twice 666 the Enochian numerology number for life) The Owsley purple it was called of more famously later as "purple Haze". Over 100,000 hits of it were given away free at Monterey Pop Fetsival.  My mom said it was the best shit ever. I envy her knowing that to a degree.

In 1966 Owsley became the manager of the Grateful Dead. He bought them the very finest equiptment money could buy, and moved them to a house in Los Anmgeles just on the edge of Watts. Noone knew you could take the powder form of LSD and cut it with ethyl alchohol and lay paper with it at this time. Owsley bought a bayer aspirin tablet press and started maunfacturing bayer tablets with raw LSD in them. The Grateful Dead would play all day while the tablet machine would run in the attic. Bob Weir told me once ,after I read this in a book , that the powder had made its way down into the main house and even just to live there would make you high.

In 1967 when the Grateful Dead house was raided in the Haight it was partially in search of Owsleys manufacturing equiptment. I asked him once how he got away with it for so long he said he " Never kept the eqiptment near him." Apparently he had it all packed up in a duffel bag and it travelled on a greyhound bus until he needed it. The tartrate salt and everything.

Finally it happened and Owsley was caught with 350,000 hits of LSD in california in 1967. While serving time he taught himself several things. One was sound theory and audiophile technique and the other was jewelry making all of it through just reading up on the subjects. In 1973 upon his release he became the sound tech for the Grateful Dead and was the innovator behind the greatest sound system ever created,and simultaneously the pariah of the Grateful Dead, The Wall of Sound.( I saw the Wall at Alameda County satdium Oct. 9th 1976 when the Grateful Dead Played with the WHO)

  I ran into Bear several times during my travels with the Grateful Dead. Again in 1990,1992 1994,1995, and finally actually travelled with him and his then girlfriend Sheilah. After Jerry died we were all on furthur festival and they needed a ride. Most of the kids that were doing Furthur that year were un aware of the mans history and frankly most of them didnyt really give a shit about it. Ignorant to their past they live a life without a future at least in knowledge. I gave them a ride from Atlanta to Deer Creek and gave them hotel space during the weeks in between. I was able to ask alot of questions and learned alot during that trip. First that Bear was an arrogant ass and you had to deal with his ego in order to attain the information you wanted from him. Apparently he had been living in Australia and when he and Sheilah finally married later that year he became an Australian citizen. Apparently they were buying a piece of the Australian outback. He demythicised the formula for LSD for me. Having grown up chasing that molecule and having at that time a more than basic knowledge of chemistry(my major) I was surprised at how easy the isolation really was. As well as the various sources it could be attained from. Of course the purset being the fungus Claviceps Purpurea. Thats the what most people wrongly call Ergot. We discussed that claviceps is found in nature and even though it has been mostly erradicated in rye because rye is food source it can be found in grasses on a microbiological level.

We discussed alot about it. My favorite and Owsleys favorite subject outside of what an amzing show we just heard.

I was invited to join them in Australia for the wedding but never got to make it. I was busted for trafficking in shrooms and the feds took my passport and I still have not gotten it back.

I last saw bear in California. That was in 2008. I was visiting Pu Tzu at his crystal store in Santa Rosa and there was that familiar tool box with the hand painted "skull Fuck" design on it sitting on the counter. I looked at it and asked Pu if Owsley was in town. I hear a door open from the back and in that nasal whine of his he said"its Bear" and we continued on as if it had not been twelve years since we last saw eachother. I reminded him it was my twenty year anniversary of travelling with the Grateful Daed family coming up and I was owed a belt buckle. I called him on all the gas and hotel space I gave him and Sheilah back in 96. "Yeah yeah" he said. " "I cant give it to you kid" " I got cancer in my throat and Im sellin these at top dollar for my radiation therapy." I bitched a little bit about how he could give up one and he bitched alot about how I was riding his ass. Then he said "ok tell me something I dont know" which when dealing with Owsley is nearly impossible. Finally after much debate and I showed him a formula for manufacturing LSD monohydrate using hydroxilization methods to isolate the alkaline. He said no way but it was recently published in the latest edition of Alexander Shulgins book Tihkal. I was able to show Bear something through reading Shulgin. He was not abouyt to argue a Shulgin method so finally... I GOT AN OWSLEY BUCKLE! And I wear it everyday.Signed in Bronze by the man himself Owsley Stanley it reads. My pride and joy along with my handsigned Jerry Garcia photograph.

Its hard to say how much Owsley influenced the sixties. When you look up LSD in the dictionary his name is mentioned, and there would have never been a psychedelic revolution without LSD.

It was funny Phil Lesh was to tell me later when I asked about owsley he said that there was a big write up about the LSD MIllionaire getting busted in 1967. The Grateful Daed wrote a song about it Alice D Millionaire. Phil said Jerry had to help Owsley get his land because he was so broke. "He wanted to turn people on and the money be damned"

He gave miilions of doses to the atrists that have become legends in their time. Eventually in the hip circles of the Rock and Roll heirarchy you were not hip unless you had taken Owsley Acid.   It was Jim Morrisons drug of choice and the Beatles were given several thousand doses. Even Hollywood got some as some of the bigger stars were turned on. Carey Fisher,Jack Nicholson,and even Carey Grant were dosed at parties by Peter Fonda during the 1960s. Everyone was wanting to have the best,and Owsley was the man that made it.

I cant imagine the world without ACID. The beauty of the art and the music and the thought that has grown from a single molecule. I doubt seriously if even spirituality would be the same. Krishna consciousness and Buddhism taking strong hold in the hearts of eveyday people after the wake of the psychedelic revolution. God bless you Bear. I thank you for your wisdom and am thankful for the time we gort to share. Even though you were an asshole know it all. (takes one to know one) I will always cherish the buckle I got and I promise when I ever have a child they will know exactly where it came from and what it all means. I hope the answers to the questions of the universe are now are no longer a mystery for you.

Rest in Paece my brother and I will forever carry on the torch in the wake of the memory of those who went before me. God Bless.

Darkness Embraced called me today. I have not really spoken to her much since she decided to break things off. "Its not that I dont love you she says". "If things were different I would be with you now and never leave". "If I said,and what difference does that make. Things are still the way they are." She is going through a custody dispute and the fact that I have a criminal record and the way I live my life apparently is too much interference for her to consider continuing to pursuit things further. But we knew this a while ago. Quite a while ago in fact. Its not as if this decision was made yesterday. I guess she called to remind herself that yes, after all this time,it still hurts. Yes, it still hurts me too. And to just dig a little reminder of the fact that indeed, I am very alone yet still.

Its funny to me how many woman run from a real commitment and relationship. I guess its just abnormal for me to want to actually find a woman who is not only kinky and submissive but also wants a family and a real long term commitment. I guess im just wierd that way. I truly do want to not just have a play toy but a truly loving and commited long term relationship. So far I just keep finding playtoys. They run away when I mention to them I want children and the whole nine yards. Oh well someone will be right for me. In the mean time I will keep searching for my loyal slut,and eventual loyal slut wife.

Its funny. Someone emailed me on here and said I look to nice to be on this website. They suggested a more vanilla dating service. That to me is hilarious. Why is it that a man cant be loving to a woman and Dominant at the same time? Why is it that he cant treat her with respect and kindness and yet also heve the strength of will to keep her in line. I dont understand. I guess in order to be taken seriously I have to never smile or always wear black or shave my head. Or maybe be all Macho and full of myself. SORRY not me. I love to laugh and even cry and feel emotion. I like to to even be able to laugh at myself. I shout to the rooftops I am ALIVE and I FEEL. I am colorful character to say the least,and it reflects in my personality.

 If per chance anyone should ever wish for real time they too would find that yes I am very loving and kind man but also VERY Dominant. I just dont see the need to be an asshole to women to have my way.

I am so fucking pissed I missed bike week. The rules of our club as a longriders club is that you have to ride to whatever rally you are attending, or you dont go. No trailers pulled behind trucks here. Apparently Bertha my tricked out custom 86 Dyna Glide is having yet more mechanical issues. It looks like the wiring harness this time. I replaced the starter and the ignition switch already. Doing away with kick starts on Harleys was a bad idea. I went for the David Allen Coe concert and then Andy our president asked me to leave,  I was a bad represenative of a motorcycle club without a motorcycle. Oh well. Hes the Pres. Besides its in our charter. Nothing new here in the sunshine state.

 Still working on my Harley and trying to get her ready for Sturgis thats about it.If she breaks down on me this time I am going to cut her in half with a blow torch.

A former submissive of mine has found her strengths and will. I am very proud of her. She took on a new Submissive male. I was invited to give her pointers and watch her in action. I am very proud of her. She has learned alot. Mostly the fact that a good Dom is ninety percent psychological and only ten percent physical. If a person thinks you will hurt them you dont necessarily have to. The psychological satisfies the base needs and desires of the Sub alot more than the mere physical oft times. To get inside a persons mind and see what they need to have them eating out of your hands.Or anything else.

It was funny to watch her humiliate this poor soul. I only talked to her like that when she really broke a hard rule and needed to be kept in her place. She seems to enjoy it,the humiliation. I am very very pleased that together we were able to break the bonds of the self degredation she was placed into by others who were probably less true Doms and more mere bullies.

When she was finished. I took her to me and told her how proud of her I was. That she was maturing and the session was very good. I made her sit in her position and describe to me how it felt. How she felt in doing so.I showed her some things I thought she missed and in minutes had her melted and in my complete control again. Its funny at times the roles we all play.It was hilarious though. She had made her new toy watch me as a lesson of manhood. Something she told him obviously he didnt have. When I was finished she went over and slapped him and had him clean up. Poor Bastard.

Freedom? What does that word truly mean. Is it just freedom to choose?  Is it freedom from laws or limitations pushed upon people by society as a whole? Janis Joplin in her cover of a Kris Kristopherson song said freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose. This, I agree with most.

I also agree with Sonny Barger when he says "most people dont want true freedom. True freedom comes at a price most people cant afford." I have found most people want the "freedom" to sit in front of their flatscreen tv in their air conditioned homes and drink or drug their work a day daddyo world to oblivion in their ez lounge chair. When someone or something comes along that challenges or disturbs that "freedom" by being too in your face affrontive in any way they get uncomfortable. I assure you I am that person who takes on the world on my own terms. I have suffered for my curiosity about the world and my need to be a rabble rouser.My need to challenge and ask the questions best left unanswered. Oh well, I still am not going to conform just because of some minor inconvieniences. I still gotta be me and yes to Quote a song by Cream, I FEEL FREE.

Curiouser and curiouser? I awoke this morning to find that my file was deleted from here. Hmm, I wonder whose cheerios I shit in to have that happen. Oh well, I like the things I wrote here today better for my introduction anyway.

Lots of things going on. I am working very hard on the Deadicated (my MC) community fund raiser. It will be a antique car and motorcycle show with a bbq and beer blowout with the Hollowbody Hellraisers. Andy wants to increase community support and also hopefully increase membership. It is a fundraiser for the Lymphoam Lukemia Society in my brothers name.I have the support of Tipples brews and they have lots of space around their store front to have this. Apparently I have to put together a proposal to present to the business association meeting for approval.

Other than that not much really going on. Wanee festival is coming up soon. I am very excited because some old friends are playing and I get to go backstage. I have done this numerous times in the past, but this time Robert Plant is going to be playing. I have been in contact with my mother to see if the Ticket stubs from our Led Zeppelin concert in '77 are around somewhere. Knowing mother they are.

Oh and the current incarnation of the Grateful Dead are playing in Orlando soon. April fourth.I got us all tickets. We are all huge fans of the Dead. Hence the name the Deadicated.

We are all also going to New Orleans to go see Willie Nelson. I love hanging out with Willie. Not much really going on,but always something exciting.

I really miss having someone who shares my enthusiasm for music to drag all around the country to live concerts. All good things in ALL GOOD TIME.