lulabelle88

I love how some peoples expectations of me are extraordinarily high.  Well, even mine sometimes- what can I say.  I need to remind myself something I so completely forgot. This is my life to live.  Whether i'm serving or servicing you (I see a difference..) my life is mine to live.  And I like it that way.  I'm taking care of myself better than I have in years, I'm seeing myself for the first time in years.  I don't look in the mirror to cringe and look away anymore, unable to stand my reflection.  Now, I flaunt it.  I'm one amazing girl.  With plenty to offer and a good attitude besides.  Though sometimes want ads for Doms make me feel like a puppy in the paper. Puhh-lease.  Get to know a person.  Be personable.  Be friendly, down to earth. 

I remind myself it isn't a search for a man.  It isn't a dream of my future.  It is my day to day life that counts.  Sometimes that can be scary, don't most people work for and towards their future?  Dreams they decide to turn into reality?? Well my dreams never quite pan out for whatever reason.  Whether it was me and my attitude, them and their bullshit, or Fate's cruel sense of humor that's just the way it goes.  My life is whatever I make it..I guess when I get to making it to something??

No that's bullshit. I don't need some stupid diploma from a college to say I'm accomplished, i'm intelligent, I'm worthy.  I got college results on certain tests in middle school and dropped out early in my junior year of high school.  I was bored and uninterested, mocking my teacher openly for a childlike homework paper we got every day in class.  And because I was outspoken and 'different' 'weird', I was the best choice to be bullied.

No, I do not believe I need a piece of paper and hours put in to tell me how smart I am, I'm just fine, thanks. 

It just so happens my dreams, aspirations, reside in the home and with my family.  Raising a family...Being a good, obedient wife...Pleasing, taking care of, and looking up to my husband....Having a happy home and in turn a happy life.  That's all I want, that's all I could ever hope for.  That's my dream.  To have a garden I take care of with love, a home to call my own, and a family to nurture.  That's it.  That's all.  Being a homemaker, a mother, doesn't make me less.  It makes me more, it makes me strong.  I am a woman who will set the foundation for her family's success, by encouraging THEM to succeed. 

Then we have lazy men who see that as some sort of scheme to leach financially.  Money does not bring happiness.  It makes the world go 'round, but it does -not- bring happiness.  That epic paying job and no time with your family, will not leave you happier 10, 20, 30 years from now.  I've struggled all my life and of course I'd like to reach a point where life isn't such a struggle.  Of course.  But that only means being able to pay my bills, pay for items in my home, and make sure my children have clothes on their backs and toys under the tree.  No more.  I don't need the brand new car, the huge house, the symbols that stand for 'success'.  No...Love...that is success, that is when you've made it.  When you are complete, you are truly full of Love.  Call me silly, please- many do.  I like to think I see the world with open, honest and logical eyes.  Eyes that show me every side of things, and my conclusion is Love.  Period.  It can't fix the problems, but it can give you the strength to try.  I'm guilty of wanting bigger and better things at times too- trust me.  We're wired to strive for that.  You have to begin to see money as a means for needs, not wants.  As a way to get through this world, but not what you take pride in.  It isn't easy but things like writing this out- they remind me of my priorities.  I have absolute respect for others and how they choose to live.  I just..really detest money to be honest lol.  I hate that it can be the red or green light in life. 

How irritating right!?  But I suppose that's life.  Life is what you make it though...and Life is fucked..it's up to you to find a way to make it a bit less miserable though.  Writing this out, some may talk to me and find it repetitive.  But it needs repeating, and I need reminding.  I can get through today, tomorrow too, and we'll take it from there.  But I CAN and WILL do it. 

Too broken for love truly, but too stupid to know better.  Will I ever learn?  I'm clearly not good with my heart, just let me be a pussy and tits.  No one can make me cry when they're making me scream...

I'm doing much better, commentary regarding the 2 previous posts isn't really needed.  I keep them so I remember how I felt, what I went through, and how I moved forward.  I use my journal as a place I can write about anything.  How ever i'm feeling, whatever i'm going through.  That's my right.  I'm not a perfect person, but I also don't have to sit here and be self-pitying.  That's what got my ass in gear to change for the better.  I could sit here and cry all day for my actions, wishing I was different.  Or I could shut the fuck up and just start working towards change ;)  I prefer the latter.  I'm much happier because of that.  I've finally gotten over my ex.  He's barely a thought in my daily life,  and that adds to my happiness.  It makes it easier to focus on what I have going on right now.  Rather than getting sidetracked by what-ifs. 

My life is mine, to make into whatever I choose.  It all depends on personal strength and the determination to be better, to do better.  I am no longer numbing my pain, I'm giving it the finger and saying I can survive without giving it more credit than it deserves.  Life goes on, move on with it.  Standing still in the past is no way to ever make a future for ones self.  <3

P.S.- I'm still NOT looking for anyone. Just not even interested.  Friends are welcome. That's it.  If you can't handle friendship without whippin your dick out go find someone else to bother!!!

Woke up three times last night.  Every time was harder to go back to sleep.  As soon as I'd lay my head down the whole situation was all I thought about.  I keep asking myself why did I open my mouth.  Why did I say anything? According to him I only felt conflicted after the fact.  Wrong. wrong wrong.   I won't keep trying to explain though.  No I said something when I did because that was the soonest I was able to sit down and speak with him.  Because I respected him too much to lie to him. To fib, to act like nothing happened.  I wish I hadn't of done what I did.  But being fucked up at the time is no excuse.  And I won't feel better now.  I took away the one of the few things that actually made me happy and brought a smile to my face.  By being a piece of shit.  I kept trying to make myself think of other things if only so I could just sleep. So then I had nightmares.  All I want to do is get fucked up.  And that's the one of the things I absolutely refuse to do.  I refuse to talk with other people, I refuse to give myself joy, I refuse to numb the pain.  I will feel every. little. bit.  Still hate myself.  I don't really want to get ready for work.  I don't want to brush my hair.  I just want to put music on to drown out the noise in my head and lay down.  I won't take the cowards way out in the face of my problems, but that doesn't mean living with them is any easier.

I hate myself so much.  I have ruined something that meant so much to me.  I don't want to even look in the mirror.  Who is that piece of shit looking back at me.  I deserve everything i'm going through right now.  Ive hidden CM, deactivated and FB.  There's no point anymore.  There's nothing and no one I want to talk to.  The only person I want to talk to won't talk to me.  I just have to find some way to live with myself now.  I don't feel like at any point in my near future do I really deserve to be happy or take joy from things.  No social networking, no yahoo, no masturbating, keeping 100% to myself.  I think it would be dramatic if I didn't feel as strongly as I do.  I really, truly hate myself.  And that's just how it is.

I keep sitting here thinking I can't face tomorrow.  Work, life, everything.  I've ruined everything.  I'm left with what I deserve. 

**Just processing the past few weeks and getting some things off my chest in a neutral place, I'm moving past the whole situation..so take it as reflection maybe.  Still..once it's written out, it helps to let go of all of it once and for all**

      Something I keep coming back to, is how good I feel lately.  At first it was nerve wracking being in a world without utter and complete control.  My hair(dyed from black to red), make up, clothing (I was expected to dress modestly), people I associated with, constant informing of where I was and who I was with, and if I didn't have my phone on me for a few hours you best believe there was 4-5 missed calls wondering where I was..all parts of my life were decided for me.  But they were being decided as a form of changing me, changing me to be the person he wanted me to be.  Not who I was, not even close.  It's freeing to be trusted to even hang out with friends.  Not that I had ever done anything to create mistrust, ever.  That's just not who I am.  Before it didn't matter the situation..though I was encouraged to be social, at some point I would feel bad for being with friends and not being where he wanted me to be doing what he wanted me to do.  I always wanted complete control, so it confused me. 

      Why was I becoming miserable?  Why was I stressed out and on edge so often?  Because no matter what I did, as long as I was me, I was going to do something wrong.  I wasn't going to be good enough.  I would never be able to be who he wanted me to be.  I'm unique, I'm loud, I'm outspoken, hell i'm even a little strange at times.  He just wanted that sweet little lady who keeps her mouth shut and blindly obeys.  I could see how selfish he was becoming in his expectations of me.  It only mattered HE was happy.. Of course I noticed at the time..but I thought well..I'm not always going to agree with his decisions.. I just need to trust he's making them for the right reasons.  How naïve.  I said to him he was changing me. And he would say 'Isn't it for the better?'....right.   I lost complete sight of my own happiness.. Until now.  Even with someone I care about around, I'm not distrusted.  I'm given the benefit of the doubt.  It's such a weight off my shoulders.  I don't have to tiptoe around.  I feel so free..  There's control but..it's reasonable.  Before I would get punished over a mistake, he simply misunderstood me..or it was then turned to 'disrespect' when really it was a misunderstanding.  I'd get punished past the point I could keep count, like I was so bad.  More than once it felt like I had to be pushed to tears through paddlings to be 'broken', like it would make me obey more when it was overkill.  I strive to be good and obey, nothing makes me happier.  I wasn't perfect, not even close.  I disobeyed, I could be a brat.  And I did dig my heels in more than once.  But besides those moments I went out of my way to take care of him and meet his needs.

      Enduring those punishments would make me start to just overflow with frustration and anger.  I was doing my best yet at the smallest infraction, I was punished harshly.  How could I stay submissive in the situation when I knew this didn't even make sense.. It wasn't rational.  But I was so determined not to give up.  I believe that when you love someone you don't give up. You ride that shit out.  But there was too much.  Too much I couldn't fix on my own, and I couldn't depend on him to keep his word.  I always say  sorry only means something if you follow through and show it.  And he never did.  I look at myself and feel proud I didn't act like a bitch when we broke up.  I didn't put him down, I didn't say nasty things, it broke my heart.  He made certain to hurt me with words that still echo from time to time.  Because I was taking his control away finally.  I wasn't cowtowing to his tantrums and demands.  I was standing up for me.. 

     When we were broken up he said his parents would of agreed to us being together...Because he always gets his way. Always.  And I thought not this time. Spoiled. Antics.  You aren't going to get me to just stand by and wait for the rest of my life.  My life means too much to me to get by on a dream.  And what kind of dream was I really waiting around for?  What kind of quality of life would I truly of had?  The nice house, the well to do family, and underneath all those things that are so pleasing to the eye- the sadness, the feeling of being lost, of never being accepted, of being a pawn in creating that façade..would still be there.  Why is that so hard to understand? Having nice things doesn't make it worth it.  I've survived on nothing.  For a long time.  He just didn't get it. 

      It's more of a situation anymore where I shake my head at it.  I don't cry anymore, I don't question my choice.  I know it was the right one, because you can love someone and still be in an unhealthy situation.  Beyond that we weren't compatible anymore on a sexual level, our interests weren't staying the same.  I'd suggest wanting a break from all the AB stuff and he considered that nearly the same as breaking up. 

      The right man..would of fought for me.  He would of done what he needed to do to be with me and be there for me.  He wouldn't of given up and let his parents tell him what to do at 30.  I felt so let down by that at the time but now I feel like..I'm glad that's his life and not my future anymore..

     Anyways, I'm getting off topic.  A person messaged me around a week ago to comment on my profile here..why am I anxious about saying the wrong thing. Be myself.  Be who I am, whatever Dom cares will like me for that..not being someone Im not.  And that really stuck with me, I wanted to thank them for that advice..though I was worried it would come off as sarcastic lol.  I forgot who I was with him.  I really did. I lost my personality. 

      Now I'm re-finding myself.  And when I talk to someone I am constantly remembering that advice.  Just be myself.  If they don't like who I am why should I give them the time of day?  Lucky for me I found someone who brings a little light to my life.  I feel comfortable, and accepted.  He seems to like what I have to say :)  I feel lucky that I got out of that crap, that it's in the past and I'm moving forward.  I try not to think about my future, where I'm going, where I'm going to end up.  I don't dream about it like I used to.  Now I just figure..what happens happens.  Nothing I can really do about it, life will turn out the way it's meant to..regardless of what I want.  And I can accept that :)

I received a message stating it 'appears i'm always on CM'.  Alas looks can be deceiving.  I get bored and I tend to just routinely pop from webpage to webpage.  Always bored to death but still.  I don't really respond to many messages, that isn't to say all, but many.  A few I wait to see if they're going to set off the spam notice, some are demanding I kneel at their feet and give all rights up to be human, some assume i'm a pussy and nothing more.  All these factors impact my decision in responding.  Please also take note i'm not looking to Top, it does little for me and would never work in a relationship.  And I don't play well always with other females.  Women can be vindictive and competitive and I don't have time for any of that nonsense.

     Two points I'm attempting to make:

1) First impressions are EVERYTHING when you're talking online.
2) I'll know who i'm looking for when I find him.  I don't really know how much i'd really say i'm -actively- looking though. 

Not every man that I find attractive and is kind to me likes me or wants me for something more.  Some people are just nice.  What the fuck is wrong with me that I always assume that kindness means they want/like me too in some way.  Now that I see myself doing it, how do you break that 'natural reaction'?  I've been trying very hard. But then it just makes me sad.  I'm trying so hard to keep my friendships I have and not read into them as more than what they are, I just wish changing the way I think and perceive things was a bit easier and not such a mind/heart fuck.

I'm an AB.  But I just don't know if there's a Daddy out there for me :/  I try to remind myself I need time to heal.  And then at the same time, I've been so unfulfilled for so long.  An effort put in to change me from myself to what he wanted.  All I want is someone to accept me as I am :( To want me, to look forward to talking with me..I don't know.  I'm losing faith slowly. Lame.

To make it clear and not clutter up my profile.  I'm not really searching as of this moment.  I'm a little too up and down.  Heartsick one day, happy without a care the next.  I have really good friends currently who are supporting me, giving me all the company I need.  I just have no want to let a stranger in right this moment.  Everyone's out for -one- thing.  And though I've had this awful feeling since I was younger that I was only put around for this one thing..that I'm not meant for love like other people, and though that feels proven time and time again.  I just don't know how much I want or need any of it.  You can't fuck and not care, I can't at least.  Call it a personality flaw. 

So all I'm going to do if we do converse is set myself up to hurt even more.  I'm trying to come to peace with the fact that my body is an object and my heart is a side note.  Sometimes you don't have a say in your fate.  Someone told me that's a choice only I can make, because I'm in control of my actions.  It's not that I sleep around and am possibly loose.  It's that anyone I open up to..I fill them up. No one fills me up.  I have been conditioned since before I was a teenager, that I'm here for another's happiness, another's pleasure, and whatever I feel may as well be a weakness because it won't do me any good.  I don't want to be cynical.  I don't want to be jaded.  I want to take a deep breath and get myself to set aside any tears, any sadness.  And simply find peace, accept my fate.  I've fought for so long, I can't be strong anymore.  And being weak disgusts me but I have nothing left right now.  My cup is as low as it can get.  Even that makes me even less of a worthy candidate to be cared about by someone. 

I'm logical.  I'm realistic.  I can see my actions and know I'm a woman in distress.  But that's only a trouble, a headache, a liability to everyone else.  So please, let me breathe.  I'm blessed for those who are by my side right now.  I can't take the chance to let anyone in who may take when I have nothing to give. Thank you to those who are my genuine friends, confidants, you're a blessing.

Let's just lay it out on the table..   You either are or are not a Dominant/Top/Master, there is no 'trying'.  Or 'I was a sub but now I'm a Dom, it's cool'.  No because my experience has shown me a man will be predominantly one or another, and often seems to have this drive to portray a Dom when in fact he is a sub.  There is no shame in knowing ones place, but that place especially means you aren't meant to control me.  Be honest with yourself and your motives before you take the time to message me. 

Also being in control, doesn't mean you need to be a control freak. NO tempers.  You must be in control of yourself first before having control over another.

<3 belle

I swear, I will find a way to be happy.

I will always be left behind.

You must smoke or be comfortable with the fact I do.  You must be able to have a good time and relax.  You need to know when it's goofball time or time to be serious.  You won't pick on me for fun, you'll know when a joke goes too far.  You will be older than me.  You will be wanting marriage and a family.  You must love music.  You won't mind spoiling me for good behavior and punishing me for bad.  You know the difference between being dominant and in control, and being a control freak.  You know how what's for public and what's for private.  You'll be possessive to a point.  I'm a handful. I'm a spitfire. I'm shy. I'm passionate.  I'm worth it. 

I am not one really much for Degradation.  Why? Because I'm like a little princess.  I serve but I should be held to a higher standard as well.  I am not the girl to message if you're seeking a slut, whore, pig, cow, hucow, etc.  I think you get the idea.  I am a girl looking for her guiding hand.   Also... I do not tend to message first.  I will usually view your profile so I know it will pop up and told you I did so.  This gives you a chance to know my interest is there and to proceed if you'd like.  I'm shy!  It helps to respond to someone rather than struggle for the words of my introduction.  Thankers :)

A glass of wine, my headphones and the music as loud as it goes. Best Saturday night ever, the only thing my night lacks is some primal sex. Alas, I'll probably survive.  I suppose.

What an epic day.  Dyed my hair and made butterfly shrimp with homemade jojos (tato wedgies). Soooo YUM!  Not going to keep letting myself feel so sad, Imma slap a smile on my face whether i feel it..or not.

"After living in the dark for so long, a glimpse of the light can make you giddy. Strange thoughts come into your head and you'd better think 'em. Has a special fate been calling you and you're not listening? Is there a secret message right infront of you and you're not reading it? Is this your last best chance? Are you going to take it? Or are you going to the grave with unlived lives in your veins?" -The Good Girl

Now I hate to waste my time on this, but I encounter it more times than I like to count so let me make myself perfectly clear to those on CM who are just morons. Just because you happen to be black and i'm not interested in you, or have a problem with you demanding my SS number, bank account # etc.  Whether now or in a relationship, that is idiotic.  I am not hating on the fact that you're black, i'm hating on you good sir.  No self-respecting Dom would NEED a womans financial and goverment information to have control over her, and if thats how far he needs to take his control then he needs a reality check.   I would say the exact same thing if the man in question was white, asian, native american- you name it.  This has NOTHING to do with race.

 But that is one incident and this is not the first time.  So beautiful black men out there, do not fall back on the race card because a girl rejects you, I assure you- I reject plenty of asian and white men as well.  No, no being black does not mean there is a target on your chest.  Your shoddy an sketchy actions and behaviour..well..Your mother ought to be ashamed ;) ;) ;) Stop playing the race card!!!!!!

Officially lost my only friend.  Heartbroken and filled with hate for every woman out there, I wish I could get 5 minutes alone with the dumb bitch who helped cause this. 

As a woman, I decide that my place is submitting to a man.  I acknowledge that I as a woman have plenty of power, even as a submissive.  And it so irks me to know other girls know this too, and alas use that for evil.  He is your Top, Dominant, Master, what-have-you.  You are his submissive, property, slave, however-you-define-as-a-bottom.  It is not your place to guilt and game-play to get your way within your dynamic.  None of that now, because even at his firm place in your life, he still sympathizes, he loves you and his love isn't given easily, not truly.  It makes me sick to watch a submissive play games that she's so helpless, wah, cry-cry so that he appeases her. Even when she isn't fulfilling her proper duties as a submissive, or able to fulfill his desires.  You should not of ever been looking to give over your control if you were only going to do so to be manipulative, feigning submission when the truth is simply that you're spineless.  There is a way of behaving and handling oneself, and I'm just disgusted to see a -bottom- of all people taking advantage of someone whom they should show more respect and honor towards.  The fact that no more discipline has been requested, even, should say volumes. Ugh.

Never judge a book by its cover:  No matter my profile or what you may think of me, or my terms..I have been around and looking for the past 5-6 years.  I've met blatant liars, people who use me for a night of kinky sex, people who stole from me during my visit and took money from me.  Not to mention those who have strung me along, always promising one thing and never coming through.  Knowing that, maybe you'll understand my hesitance at instantly meeting or instantly commiting to you.  I've been around long enough and taken the shit end of things enough to be wary and careful about those I let into my life.

To the PUSSY who messaged me and blocked me:  I did not put any html code into my profile.  So before you go messaging a complete stranger accusing them of doing something that fucks with your browser, maybe you should go into it assuming a) it's your shitty ass computer or b) unintentional. Jackass.

Lately I feel lost..all the time.  I'm sad and i'm trying to figure it all out.  I feel like i'm trying to find myself, what I want, what I need..and somehow i'm always missing my mark a little :/  Why can't things just be a little simpler?

~~Busy through Christmas!! I've recieved some upset messages, I do not live on computers!!  Feel free to still message me, but just know if you don't recieve an immediate reply- I'm busy with the holidays!  If you find that i've read your message, often I just have not had the time recently to reply. After Christmas, I should have some time freed up!~~