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lostinthehedges

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I've been around this site for many years, and I've heard the horror stories and even had a few of my own. Not really looking for anything but friendship.

It's been more than four years since I lost my wife, who was also my collared slave, to cancer. It took a long time for me to stop mourning, and a little longer than that to find something within myself that desired and needed companionship and connection again.

I have spent more than 30 years around and connected to some aspect of D/s culture. I know that I have not done it all, but what I haven't done, I've likely seen and can comment on.
I am reasonably intelligent, open-minded, employed, thoughtful, well-spoken, and have a sneaky sense of humor. I am comfortable with geeks, freaks, and those who tend to transcend what is considered the normal nomenclature of societal mores. I don't judge people based on their kinks, but rather, on the contents of their character. Il like to listen and learn, but can be passionate and extremely verbal on subjects I care about.

I'm not everyone's cup of tea, which is good because I prefer a cup of strong coffee leavened by a generous portion of cream. I work hard, trying like most Americans to pay off debt and still live a comfortable life. After losing 25 pounds through hard work and exercise, I recently joined a gym trying to lose my middle-age waistline and gain some much needed muscle.

I was raised a Virginia gentleman, and continue to believe that kindness, compassion, and, yes, even chivalry is not a forgotten concept. I am somewhat of a romantic, and yes, I do like cuddling, kissing, and gentle caresses as part of any relationship I'm in. I have been called Sir, Master, and Daddy as part of the intimate relationships I've been a part of. They are not required or necessary for you to talk to me.

I'm fairly well traveled for someone who has absolutely no facility with foreign languages. Most of the U.S., Mexico, Canada, the Philippines, England, Paris, Rome. I like to drive. I like to see new places. I enjoy expanding my horizons.
I remain here on this site because of the good people I've met in the past and those I still hope to meet in the future. I hope if anything I have written here resonates with you, you'll drop me a line. Until then, take care and be well. Lost in the hedges
I've strayed too far from the edges
That define what is dreamed of and real

I'm at the top of the downside
And things are trending toward landslide
And I can't find my dive bomber zeal

Life was there for the taking
But I spent too much time braking
'Til even stopping is a dubious thought

But I'll remember on the way down
All the times I was your clown
So when I crash it won't all be for naught.

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2/14/2024 6:58:19 AM

I think the question that I've been asked the most since my return is "Why are you here?" or its somewhat adjacent cousin "What are you looking for?"

To be honest, I've been missing a part of myself that I haven't engaged in some time.  I've missed the community, the wide variety of ideas, the flavors and textures and smells of kink and fetish.  I've missed the conversations, the munches, the play parties, the dungeons.  In short, I've missed each and every one of you, even though we've never met.

So I'm back, for now at least.  Don't be shy to strike up a conversation.  After all, friendship is a great place to start.


2/11/2024 3:04:43 AM

These are the days of small victories.  A1C near normal? Check. Blood pressure under control? Check. Flexibility increasing?  Check.

Genetics and poor maintenance may have put me in a hole, but I'll be damned if I have to stay there.

"Get busy livin' or get busy dyin'." I've made my choice. I may struggle,  but it's a struggle I can live with.


2/8/2024 8:37:46 PM

I was going back through my journal entries from when I actually wrote in my journal years ago, and I was amazed by some of the words I had written back then.

Where did that guy go?


2/5/2024 5:27:34 AM

It was extremely nice to receive some greetings and well-wishes after logging on for the first time in several years.

To everyone, I wish safe travels, calm seas, beautiful sunrises and sunsets, and pleasure beyond your greatest expectations.  Be well!


2/5/2024 4:22:26 AM

I don't know what led me to log in today.  I've spent a long time away from here and I guess I was just curious to see if anything had changed.


1/15/2015 1:54:39 PM
Haven't had much to say lately...working hard and trying to keep things together.  The cat I mentioned in an earlier post died suddenly Saturday.  Birthday number 50 is just around the corner.  Time cares nothing about our bruises or hurts...

1/1/2015 5:41:47 AM
Happy New Year!  Here's to an awesome 2015!

12/27/2014 6:31:11 AM
The last several weeks have been tough, so it's nice to take a breather, if only for a few days.  I am in training for a new part time job, while retaining my first part time job in the interim.  That, in addition to my responsibilities in my full time job have made the last two weeks indescribably tiring.  Back to the grind Monday, with hopes that January will find me doing less and getting paid more.  

12/24/2014 4:38:07 PM
To one and all...a very Merry Christmas!

12/20/2014 2:54:28 AM
I'm sitting here tonight watching the cat who's shared this space with me for the past 5+ years stand bewildered in the middle of living room.  He's gone almost blind in the space of just a week.  He no longer is able to find things easily, stumbles into cabinet doors, and wanders aimlessly, mewing like a lost kitten -- which, come to think of it, is exactly what he is.  It's so heartbreaking to watch a beloved older pet suddenly age overnight.  Among the things we should be thankful for this Christmas are the animals that brighten our lives and warm our hearts.  Their time with us is finite, and we should enjoy every moment.

12/13/2014 5:50:05 AM
Life has taken some very strange turns lately.  Validation in my professional life followed by long hours trying to learn a new job I'm not certain I'm suited for.  A family member who now has no teeth as doctors continue to try to stop a raging infection that could be in their kidneys.  Success and trepidation hand-in-hand.

Christmas is coming.  Be thankful for your gifts, especially those you earned and were not simply given.  The secret to life, I think, is not simply to give, but to give with purpose.  Give out of love; give out of appreciation; give because it will do good for another or create good in the long term.  But, most of all, give because giving expands your heart and soul in ways you can't even measure.  Ask Ebeneezer Scrooge and the Grinch.  If I don't see you...Merry Christmas.

11/27/2014 1:55:03 PM
I want to wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving.

10/18/2014 12:29:48 PM
I was going to write a long spiel about what I am going through right now and how hard it is and blah blah blah.  And then I realized that, in the end, it sounded pretty pitiful and that I wasn't looking to throw myself a pity party.

Suffice to say...I am trying to keep my word to someone that contributes nothing to my life but irritation and stress.  I thought this person had left permanently, but they showed up again unannounced a few weeks ago, and...here we are.  No, it's not a relationship, unless moochee and moocher qualifies.  But I promised...promised to make sure that this person wouldn't be homeless, wouldn't be without a place.

And now I wonder, just like Eric Clapton...when DO promises end?

9/16/2014 1:00:32 PM
And so the rain begins again.

9/15/2014 5:51:17 PM
They mock me sometimes...the virtual sticky notes sitting on computer screen...the troves of unfinished ideas sitting in folders gleaned from other computers I've owned over 15 years...the scraps and rhymes and whispers of so many passing thoughts and forgotten inspirations.

Life will take turns
That you seldom expect
A setback
An ending
An inelegant wreck
And in the space
Of an overlong sneeze
Your dreams are in ruins
Blown away in the breeze

There's no time limit on ideas.  But sometimes they cry out for resolution...for use...for a place in the (admittedly small) pantheon of verse and prose published online and elsewhere.

The Coyote heard the anvil
Not long after leaving Danville
And he knew just what the outcome had to be

He could flee, or he could hide
'Til Roadrunner hit its stride
But mashed flat seemed to be his destiny

Fragments hoping to find completion...flawed gems hoping to find a home...

The heart beats
Though the icy needles work so hard for its silence
This ice age can only melt
In the fire of a submissive heart
Being bound
Yet set free....

...or just things long hidden from view, for good or for ill...

"Yes, it's true," said the girl with no name
"That I do find your rhymes somewhat lame.
But your linguistic attention
Is divine, so I'll mention
Just how happy I am that I came."

9/14/2014 1:06:10 PM
I'm not often one who enjoys celebrity interviews because they are often vapid and superficial (or is that redundant?).  But I saw an Oprah interview with Stephen Colbert from 2012 and I thought something he said was right on point.  Paraphrasing...

Happiness is overrated.  Too many people say they want to be happy, but have no idea what that means.  I'd rather be joyful.  To find your joy is be able to feel anyway you wish and still not be any less than joyful.  To find your ultimate joy means you can be happy, sad, hurt, afraid...and still feel that joy permeating everything.

Oprah:  And what is your joy?

Colbert:  My family, without a doubt.

9/13/2014 11:25:11 AM

9/13/2014 10:28:08 AM
Encouragement...is not weakness.
Support...is not weakness.
Manners...are not weakness.
Respect...is not weakness.
Silence...is not weakness.
Patience...is not weakness.

Only the fool mistakes open-hearted, open-eared prudence for weakness.

9/13/2014 9:46:47 AM
Has anyone else received a nasty message from a troll named NewbeeSissyCD7?  I encourage you to report it to collarspace support.  Quite frankly, the message shows that this person is perhaps exactly what he accuses others of being.  However, it is not the first time I have received a harassing and bullying message from someone in the same general location and with a similar profile, who then blocks people immediately.  It is apparently this person's fetish...harassment of people he doesn't know.

However, whether collarspace does anything about this troll or not, I would encourage anyone who receives a message like that to report it.  I always do three things: 1) report the message as vulgar; 2) report the message as spam (after all, it was received unsolicited and was unwanted); and, if I pissed enough, 3) I send a separate email to collarspace support highlighting the actions of the user and the fact that this person has a history of harassing and terroristic email.

People often say there are problem people on this site and seem to expect someone else to do something about them.  I have no idea if Collarspace will do anything to prevent such messages in the future, but I refuse to block the user in question, because every time I receive an email from him in the future, I will report it as such.  I encourage everyone else to do the same.

D

9/10/2014 3:27:43 PM
I've been without truly hot water for nearly a month now.  The guy just got here today to fix it.  Maybe tonight I can have a truly HOT shower!

9/6/2014 1:01:16 PM
Is it just me, or do crazy people get the most fun in life by turning otherwise sane people crazy?

9/6/2014 12:12:35 PM
Your perspective tends to skew a bit when you spend long nights doing impossible work for unappreciative people, then come home to an empty house only to have trouble sleeping during the daylight hours.  It's just gotten into afternoon here, and I've spent the morning drinking the last of my good coffee, cleaning the kitchen, and generally puttering around.  How much better those activities might be if they were shared with someone in person?

8/31/2014 11:33:38 PM
Happy Labor Day!

8/30/2014 5:09:03 AM
A man, a piano, and some tasty New Orleans-style blues...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cXJP1xp5FH8&index=45&list=FLQRGGt8gC4atARZrzuWWL4Q

8/30/2014 4:27:20 AM
Listening to Dr. John and wishing I could play piano like that.

8/30/2014 2:49:00 AM
Observations:

Being awake 30 hours straight is not fun...

Losing your house, mail box, and storage room keys sometime during the  latter part of that 30 hours is extremely not fun...

Retracing your steps trying to find said keys when all you want to do is sleep, and while the temperature outside is 107 degrees the absolute definition of NOT FUN...

I did not find the keys, so I had to call and get duplicates made, which is irritating and annoying on top of being NOT FUN.

Oh...and happy Labor Day weekend.

D

8/23/2014 6:36:06 PM
Today's lesson is about entropy.

Now, before we begin, a definition.  Entropy is a precise term when used to refer to thermodynamics.  However, I refer to the more general term which many of us became acquainted with through reading science/science fiction as teens and young adults.  As defined by Merriam-Webster:

The degradation of the matter and energy in the universe to an ultimate state of inert uniformity

In science, many people believe that entropy is ultimately the way the universe will end.  The universe has been expanding constantly since the "Big Bang," and, once its energy is expended, the whole ball of wax will fall into an inert state in which there is matter, but nothing else.  No light, no heat, no sound.  Static.

We are all victims of entropy.  I thought about this today as I realized I have lived in the same home for five years, the longest I have ever done so as an adult.  If I decided to move, I could fit all that I really need in the back of a small trailer and go anywhere I want.

But it's never THAT simple.  The complications and entanglements of life in this place often seem to dwarf the energy one can derive from starting over in a new place.  The comfort of the tried and true and familiar can put a damper on the desire to discover something new.  And the nervousness and unpredictability of the new place can seem magnified by the solid, stolid implacability of where we are NOW.

After all, when cutting down a tree, removing the roots is almost always the most difficult part.

The longer you stay in one place, the harder it is to overcome the entropy of living there.  The longer you live with something, even something unpleasant, the harder it is to find the compensating energy to not only arrest the entropy, but to start pushing off in a different direction.

From 2001 (after 9-11) to 2009, I lived in 11 different dwellings in five different areas.  There was a huge opportunity that I jumped at in 2001, moving from East Coast to West Coast within a month.  And once the entropy was blown away, it was so much easier to move from city to city, from opportunity to opportunity, without needing a huge "bang" to push myself onward to the next challenge.

But now?  Change is not going to be as easy or quick.  Entropy has taken its toll.

But the next time someone asks you, in an "oh so serious" voice, "If you don't like it, why don't you change it?", reply with a single word.

"Entropy."

If only to see how they react. ;)

D

8/23/2014 5:35:39 PM

8/19/2014 1:04:51 PM
Well, I guess it's nice to dream...

The job opportunity where I was the "top candidate" didn't pan out.  Turns out I became the "runner-up" pretty quickly.

The irony for me is that I told the owner as I was leaving last week that he could "fall in love" with another candidate during his subsequent interviews, and that is exactly what happened.

Oh, well.  It stings a little, but that will go away eventually.  I will just have to keep trying.

8/18/2014 3:51:08 PM

8/18/2014 9:23:29 AM
Sometimes...occasionally...really, very rarely at all...I'm willing to give myself credit for staying when I could have cut and run...standing when I could have folded...remaining committed to carrying the weight instead of letting it fall to someone else.

There were moments I could easily have gotten in my car, taken what money I had and just disappeared.  It would have been so easy, and that's not to say that I didn't get in my car and drive around aimlessly some nights, until I found a place out in the desert where no one else could hear, and screamed at the top of my voice until I could scream no more.

And then I went back to shoulder my burden again.

But every time I think about giving myself a little credit, I think of my mother, and how she worked two jobs to support three kids after a painful separation and unfavorable divorce.  Or my sister, who cries at night sometimes as she watches her eldest suffer with cystic fibrosis...or various friends, who struggle and strive and fall down and push forward with all the grit and guts and glory-less gumption it takes to get through the thankless hours.

Only a little credit.  I'm just like all the little snowflakes...unique, yet the same.

Plod on, my brethren...plod on...

:D

8/17/2014 3:43:45 PM
It's not that I think my life is complicated.  Two years ago, it was complicated.  Between losing my wife in 2010, losing my (highly compensated and stressful) job in late 2011, and then being unemployed or underemployed for a decent period of time, there wasn't much time to try to build anything.  Survival was much more important than trying to lift myself up and out of the mental and emotional hole I had fallen deep within.

Now, life is simply cumbersome. There is still some grief and regret.  There is still debt and the occasional decision between food and bills (soup and sandwiches again?  Awwww!).  There are still the physical hurdles of overcoming years of intense stress and lack of medical care that the last few years have brought.

And yet, the future is brighter.  There are days like this, when I have finished doing the myriad weekend chores and am getting ready for a nap before work that I feel lonely but optimistic; hopeful, but realistic.  What has restrained me the last few years will be gone soon, and in doing away with those bonds, there will be options, and choices and vistas that were not available to me before.

And that is real life.  It is not building a facade that you stand behind while you lead others to believe you are something that you're not.  It IS taking responsibility for your choices and finding ways to embrace both your faults and your desires.

Popeye was right.  "I yam who I yam."  But I still hate spinach.  :)

D

8/16/2014 5:04:17 PM

8/16/2014 1:43:10 PM
It was an interesting interview today.  The job is something I'd like to do, but apparently the hiring company was so flooded with potential candidates that they are doing 20 minute interviews over the next two weekends trying to eyeball potential hires.  Then they will cut the list, and then re-interview the survivors in depth.  I suppose if I am offered the other job in the interim, I will take it, as there is no certainty of even getting a call-back.

8/16/2014 6:20:41 AM
In amongst all the craziness yesterday I managed a trip to the doctor.  He was very happy with how well my renewed dedication to becoming healthy is coming along.  We discussed many things, including diet.  The nice thing about this new part time job, if I get it, is that there is a branch of the gym I use close-by, so I could leave my full-time job, exercise for an hour, eat, and then go to work.

I think this is going to work out well.

8/15/2014 7:46:11 PM
Wow...I've been awake 24 hours straight. I hope I get sleepy soon.

There are only two words that surpass being told you are the top candidate for a job opening.  They are "you're hired."  I hope I hear those words next week.

Funnily enough, I have another job interview in the morning.  A different and more responsible position.  Would be interesting if it was offered.

8/14/2014 6:26:17 PM
What is the one thing that the Earth seems to have an endless supply of, yet no one finds any constructive use for?

Blame.

8/13/2014 5:19:55 PM
I have gone on at length in this space about my affinity for music and how it has affected my own history.  And now serendipity seems to be playing a role in my life.  I applied for and now have an interview for a part time job working for an Internet retailer who sells vinyl records online.  I can't imagine what the job will be like, but I do imagine it will be a lot more fun and fulfilling than my current part-time job.  Here's to hoping...

8/12/2014 5:10:37 PM
After a cloudy, humid and mostly miserable monsoon day, the rain is finally falling here.  It's nice to hear it drumming against the skylight in the living room as I sit here and type this.

I nearly walked away from this profile over the weekend.  Sometimes, it feels like what I type in this little box is self-inflating b.s., meant just to satisfy my own ego and not really edify anyone.  But, as I sat and thought about it yesterday, I realized...there's nothing wrong with that.  Everyone needs an outlet for thoughts and feelings and desires and hopes and dreams.  I just put mine here, in this space.  "An it harm none, do what ye will."  And I do.

It's a rigged game, ya' know?  Life.  Ya' don't know comin' in that it's rigged against ya', an' people will try their best to ignore it, 'cause what good does it do to dwell on it?  In the end, you gonna' cash in them chips wedda ya' wont to or not.  Some people say life is the Big Casino, an' it's a good beat.  The casino don't want ya' dwellin' on the fact they's gonna take all ya' money.  It's all flashy and noisy and smoky, bells and music and somebody yellin' that dey won a prize widdout addin' up how much gets lost just so's dat one guy takes home a little pocket money.  99 times outta hundred, you walk out da' door with nuthin, and, if ya' stupid, even less dan ya' came in wid.  Ya' lose most times, ya' win a few times, and ya' 'member da wins and try not ta hurt ova' da losses too much.  But ya' keep playin'.  'Cause the Big Casino, man...it the only game in town.

D

8/12/2014 8:33:46 AM

8/11/2014 5:50:30 PM
So saddened to hear the news of Robin Williams death today.  I'm sure there will be an outpouring of grief from around the world tonight, remembering both the comedian that made us laugh and the actor whose best performances left us riveted and raving.  Rest in peace, Robin.

8/11/2014 4:01:38 PM
I don't know why, but today keeps bringing to mind Dan Aykroyd.

(in best Elwood Blues voice)

"Whaddaya' want fer nuthin'?  Rrrrrrrubber beeeescit!"

Guess it's just a "wish sandwich" kind of day.

:D


8/8/2014 9:42:14 PM
My old DJ days are haunting me tonight.

31 years ago, I was a young, dumb college freshman who wanted nothing more than to be a professional radio announcer.  My school had two college radio stations.  One was the usual non-commercial college station, filled with odd and eclectic shows with any kind of music imaginable.  The other was an actual commercial radio station with an album-rock radio format and an all-student staff.  I went into the commercial station on a whim, and passed the audition, and suddenly I was training to be a disc jockey, back in the days when vinyl records, turntables, and reel-to-reel tape was the way you ran a radio station.

I quickly found out that the most fun and the most freedom to be had was to work the late night weekend shifts.  No one really cared if you followed a strict format, as long as it was all album rock.  So I started an all-request show that ran for seven hours each Friday and Saturday night.  For a kid who was raised in mostly music-free household, it was like being baptized in the holy river of rock and roll.  Beatles, Stones, Led Zep, the Who...Talking Heads, Tom Petty, The Boss, The Cars, Elvis Costello...Van Halen, Poison, Ratt, Motley Crue...two nights a week I was in rock and roll nirvana, and it was the most magical time of my life.

And tonight I'm back in that mindset listening to my extensive archive of digital tracks.  I admit, some of the songs I've listened to tonight would never have been heard in my old radio rotation, but still...it's all good stuff.

Lyle Lovett, "You've Been So Good Up To Now"...Loggins and Messina, "Your Mama Don't Dance"...Pete Townsend, "Let My Love Open the Door"...Marc Cohn, "Walking in Memphis"...Paul Simon, "Late in the Evening" and "Still Crazy After All These Years"...Police, "Everything She Does Is Magic"...Peter Gabriel, "Games Without Frontiers," "Shock the Monkey," and "Solsbury Hill"...Pretenders, "Stop Your Sobbing"...and more to come.

8/8/2014 7:15:44 PM

8/7/2014 3:11:57 PM
I was asked why I consider myself an "expert" on movies, and it really deals with my experience in the movie theater business.  I became a movie theater manager in 1985 and spent 25 years in the business.  I watched most of the movies that played at my theaters, as well as a lot of older movies on TCM and AMC, as well as on VHS and DVD.  I admit that, being out of the biz now and unwilling to pay the inflated prices for movie tickets has cut down on my viewing of many recent films, but HBO and Flix and Showtime have helped keep me in the loop, so to speak.  I'm sure there are people who know more minutiae about films than I do, but I don't think that disqualifies from expert status in the area.

D

8/7/2014 2:48:04 PM
I see from my Facebook feed that my old hometown in Virginia is set to receive up to four inches of rain this weekend.

Meanwhile, back in the desert...I thought I heard crickets last night as I got ready to go into work.  Actually, it was the sprinklers working overtime to saturate the sidewalk with water that's supposed to go on the grass.

That, I guess, is the difference between living in the foothills of the Blue Ridge Mountains, and living in the heart of the Valley of the Sun.

D

8/4/2014 4:55:27 PM
The journey...

Everybody talks about the journey.   Where we've come from.  Where we are.  Where we're going.  The journey always informs who we are...but we can begin new journeys every day.  

We can step from the path we are on and strike out through undefined territory, learning all the way.  We can change directions at a crossroads, taking a well-defined path to find other vistas, other scenes, other people.  Or we can continue moving on the same path, in a comfortable, companionable rhythm that offers security, safety, even predictability.  

No one has the same conception of what the journey entails, or even the same goals when it comes to judging its success.

But we are all on a journey, whether we embrace our current place on the path or not.

I am thankful for my journey, and my myriad detours along the way.

8/4/2014 3:46:23 PM
A great old song that has been playing in my head recently.  If profiles had theme songs, perhaps this would be mine.  :D

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uPAj19vHPNc

8/4/2014 7:47:34 AM

8/4/2014 7:41:48 AM
My muse has taken flight today.

Of course, that might be because I'm not feeling well.  Very feverish.  I may well be headed for a long, unrestful sleep today, as I try not to wind up sick for days on end.

The world is certainly spinning today...luckily, it kind of stops when I close my eyes.

D

8/3/2014 3:22:48 PM
Less than five hours before its nose back to the grindstone.

I'm sure I'm in the same position as a lot of people.  I have a high-intensity job in which several people report directly to me, and our efforts make a difference for hundreds of other people across the country every morning.  It's not a position I ever lobbied for or wanted, but one which I was assured (by the big cheese, no less) I was singled out for when I returned to work at this company three and half years ago.

The job is pretty thankless.  There are no attaboys for particularly good days.  There are many recriminations for mistakes and omissions of any sort.  I apologize and move on.  Some nights I'll put my initials on 150 separate pieces of text or audio, all the while tweeting up a storm and making sure the workflow continues at a rapid pace for members of my staff.  I couldn't do the job without them, and I try to make sure I am adequately grateful.  (Pizza does wonders for morale!)

Naptime rapidly approaches.  May all you good denizens of the daytime sleep peacefully and restfully tonight, and know that in the morning, we on the night shift will be counting on you to keep the world spinning for at least one more day.

D

8/3/2014 7:12:19 AM
Random Acts Of Music:

I was playing around with my tablet and the Commitments version of "Mustang Sally" started playing.

I've always loved their version of the song, and I just found myself singing aloud as I got ready to go out for the morning.

I guess that's the good thing about living alone:  random acts of music don't bother other people at 7 o'clock in the morning.  

D

8/3/2014 6:45:31 AM

8/2/2014 6:14:33 AM

8/2/2014 6:06:04 AM
Not everyone is a fan of the TV show "The West Wing," which I understand.  But there is a scene from that show that takes place just a few episodes before it ended.  It involves the characters C.J. Cregg (the wonderful Allison Janney) and Danny Concannon (the woefully underrated Timothy Busfield).  

Backstory:  After flirting with a relationship for much of the run of the series, the pair is starting to get serious about whether they could make it as a couple.  C.J., who is the White House Chief of Staff, comes to Danny's apartment after they've had a fight and seem to have broken up.  She confesses her insecurities and lack of confidence that she could ever be part of a successful relationship.  Danny then says two lines that always make me wish I could be that smart and that wise:

"I just want you to talk to me about it. I want us to talk about what it will mean and we'll make it work. I want us to talk like we're gonna figure it out together. I want us to talk... because I like the sound of your voice. I just want to talk."

"We'll figure it out. All of it. You can be scared. That's okay. But you're not going to walk away from me because you're scared. I'm not that scary." 

8/2/2014 5:35:01 AM
The light is starting to peek over the edge of the horizon.  The world spins slowly into another day.

Coffee on the porch before the day becomes too hot.  Listening to the sounds of endless air conditioners trying hard to keep us all insulated from the realities of the desert.   The sprinklers drown the grass in hopes of keeping it green.  The scorpions much prefer the gravel around my bougainvillea bush.  We have a deal, me and the scorpions.  They don't come into the condo and I don't nuke them with every pest control chemical known to man.  Seems to work most of the time.

The best part of August 2nd?  There are now (probably) less days left in the monsoon season than have come before.  But now comes the stormy weather.  We've already had two intense lightning storms this week.  Will today bring another?

D

8/2/2014 4:11:00 AM
I often see people yearning for simplicity, as if wishing to shed some kind of unwanted layer of skin and suddenly have everything become, well...simple.

I think, for myself, I would not mind "simpler," as opposed to "simple."

Maybe, sometimes, just have five balls, two plates, and a chainsaw in the air at one time, instead of twice that?

But each of our interactions are rich and complex and take into account many things that we don't consciously register, yet nonetheless take many calculations and adjustments based on variables computed in hundredths of a second.

I revel in the complexity of your interaction with me.  May it never be so simple as to become the long and dreaded silence.

D

8/2/2014 3:02:09 AM
It's this time of night that is often the hardest to bear.

After all, I generally work overnights, and this, being one of my two nights off, can be used to catch up on sleep, or watch some movie I've wanted to catch for a while, or get an early start on the household jobs that can be done at nearly 3 a.m. in the morning.

But...

I miss the feeling of someone lying next to me in bed.  The slow waking up to find my arm draped across and pulling that special person close to me.

Intimacy.

Closeness.

The rightness of feeling connected to another person in a way that is not sentient, but certainly soulful.

Alas, just thoughts better left in the rapidly retreating night...

8/1/2014 4:48:24 PM

8/1/2014 4:43:08 PM
Still trying to wrap my ahead around the fact that:

1)  It's Friday

2)  I'm finished with work for two days

3)  I really overdid it this week and my body is telling me about it

4)  It will be another weekend by myself

It's not that life sucks, because it doesn't.  Having been in much more dire straits, this is simply an unwanted plateau.  But it would be nice to have something more to look forward to tonight than...well, whatever transpires.

Whatever you're doing tonight...have fun, be safe, and enjoy the hell out of it. :D

D

7/31/2014 6:47:04 PM

7/30/2014 1:47:44 PM

7/30/2014 1:39:38 PM
The audio journals...

I am a writer, both by trade and for relaxation.  I've written many things, most of which have been posted online in some form or another.

I do like to write verse.  I have a large collection of poetic verse written over the last several years, some of which is okay and some of which is crap ( :D ), but it's my crap and sometimes it comes off better when said aloud then when viewed on a page.

So I decided to read it rather than post it in this profile.  Why?  Because it's another aspect of whom I am at this moment in time.  For anyone who might be interested.

Enjoy it.  Destroy it.  It is simply a snapshot of a thought, sans camera.

As always, I wish you well.  :)

7/29/2014 2:13:03 PM

7/29/2014 2:04:31 PM
Vebatim tweet I saw this morning on my Twitter feed at work:

"50 Shades" trailer leaves hardcore BDSM crowd cold.

My co-workers still don't understand why I burst out laughing. :)

7/28/2014 2:05:37 PM

7/28/2014 12:02:19 PM
Music has been such an intimate part of my journey to this point in my life.

When I was growing up, there was little music in our home, and my father controlled it.  He was into country music, and Elvis, and the other than country music on the radio, we had two eight-track tapes we could play..."Greatest Hits" by Johnny Cash, and "Live in Las Vegas" by Elvis Presley.

That's not to say I wasn't immersed in music.  I sang in the chorus and took piano lessons.  I played trombone and tuba in the marching band.  I performed in musicals.  I simply never got to listen to any of the music that we played or sang.

At least, not at home.  I remember sitting mesmerized in the bedroom of my cousin as she played her 45 of the Jackson 5's "ABC."  And loving the fast driving tempo when another friend played Blondie's "Heart of Glass."  And enjoying the word play and musicianship of Paul Simon's "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover."

But that music belonged to someone else.

Until Christmas of 1982.  That Christmas, we got a stereo with a real, honest to God record player.  And while two of the albums we got that Christmas were by Tom T. Hall and the Muppets, the one that was mine and mine alone was Michael Jackson's "Thriller."

It's an old cliche but true...I wore the grooves out of that record.  To me, it was like musical deliverance...I was no longer stuck in the dark ages where I played music by groups like Earth, Wind, and Fire or Kool and the Gang...but never got to listen to them outside of a gym or a football stadium.

I would go on to be a part of an album rock radio station in college, where I binged on the great rock n' roll artists of the 60's, 70's, and 80's.  I would work in clubs, spinning 12" remixes of Madonna and Prince and, yes, Michael Jackson, and loving the magical pull that good groove could have on those feeling the need to dance.  I would work in adult contemporary, Top 40, and even country radio, and would find things to love in all the formats and genres in which I worked.  My record collection would grow into the 100s before the advent of CDs and digital tracks.  But "Thriller" will always hold a special place in my heart.

After all...you never forget your first.  :)

7/28/2014 9:52:51 AM
There is no magic formula.  No one is going to wave a magic wand at you and <poof>, suddenly your heart's desire is within reach.

It takes work.  Sometimes years of toiling in the wilderness where it seems no one knows or wants to know your name.  Often you have to keep sticking your already broken foot into door after door after door, until someone finally says, "Okay, whaddaya got?"

And sometimes, it just takes standing in the right place at the right time when the boss needs you, and you deliver.  Just one chance, and you were johnny-on-the-spot and you made it happen.

And sometimes...after years of trying to go in any direction except the one you've been going in...you look up and find that somehow -- despite the fights, the slights, the plights, and long, long nights -- you actually wound up somewhere you never imagined.

Life is funny that way.  If you must, smell what you think is the greener grass in somebody else's yard.  Look at it pretty closely.

You might just find that you've been lusting after astroturf.  Fantasizing over green paint on long ago dead blades.

Lust...but verify.  :)

7/28/2014 8:12:09 AM

7/28/2014 7:41:54 AM
Another day in the books, and it's already hot and humid here.  The monsoon season is the best time of year to be working on the overnight shift.  Nothing makes you feel more like sleeping during the day then coming out of work at 6 a.m. into the muggy morass that is central Arizona.  It's like stepping out your door each morning and getting immediately slapped in the face with a wet washcloth.  A warm, wet washcloth.  :)

7/27/2014 7:51:22 AM
It stormed here last night.

There is nothing like a thunderstorm in the desert.  You can see it coming for miles and miles.  But this one was unique.  It was a nearly pure lightning storm.  Flashes of brilliant, sky-blotting sheets, criss-crossed by bolts and daggers of purest white.  It seemed to go on and on, far enough away to feel safe to be outdoors, yet close enough to be the best entertainment going at 11 p.m. at night.

Nature will never win an Academy Award...but it is always in 3D, HD, and brilliant color...at no charge.

7/27/2014 6:11:46 AM
People are waking up all over the U.S. right now, and their first thoughts may be of the bathroom, or of coffee, or of the dreams they can't remember from the night before, or the worries that face them in the light of day.

Those of us who tread the night and sleep in darkened rooms the air conditioner on high greet you warmly, and ask only that you don't blow things up before our turn comes again.  :)

7/27/2014 6:00:06 AM

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