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So random but I'm at my happiest today I graduated from college!!!! Ok that is all |
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Trust, such a powerful thing it takes so much time to build and at some time it's so quick to fall apart.
Again I just wonder.... |
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Today I got up and i felt a little better than yesterday. I hope when I rest my head and close my eyes I'll sleep peacefully. Then one of these days be more at ease go back to the way I want. To gain that desire I seek so much. To not be scared anymore to be filled w desire and control that I crave so much. |
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I'm tired of feeling this right now
I don't want I feel pushed right now
I feel like I'm backed against a wall |
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I thought after a while I was ready to come back to this, taking time out to re evaluate myself it gave me what I needed to come back and do what I want. Then this weekend changed it all I got a call I never wanted to get and all the progress I've made feels like a total waste. Contemplating emotions and looking back to what made me so lost, emotionless, and wherever I'm turning seems to be wrong.
No one will ever understand and with everyone on me like I'm under a microscope I might as well put a sign onmy head that says broken, because no one is understanding, constant messages every day and I ignore it all. Maybe I need the haiatus from everything right now. I wish that feeling that I have now is to go away. Maybe then I can come back here for what I really wanted to do. |
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I want to say im happy to prepare for being alone on valentines day, but i was so sure for a minute from the way he was speaking and those promises that he was gong to be what i was looking for maybe as a master or maybe as more. he said there was a conncetion and i believed in it. Day two of not talking and the communication got less and less maybe this shows me that i shouldnt open up to anyone. Alone as usual. |
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How can I be developing feelings and a connection like this. I'm already scared of everything and being betrayed what makes this any different. |
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First of all it's an emotional day for me. It's my dad's bday and I'm usually wanting to be alone today, but the words he said are piercing through me in a way that I can never believe he said that he doesn't want me to feel like I'm alone anymore now that he's here and I know he means it and it makes me happy but scared. Maybe it's too good to be true why is he so perfect what did I say or do to deserve this. Why do I get these butterflies whenever he messages me and when he doesn't I feel empty. Is this is what it's supposed to feel like coming Into this life. Something told me I had to message him and now I'm in anticipation. I want him to make me feel like I'm not alone. I want him to he romantic to me. I want him to dominate me I just need that feeling and I'm overwhelmed with a bombarding of feelings at this moment. I didn't think id feel such a strong connection but on a day like this it keeps me happy and I don't want to let it go. Even though I haven't met you yet. |
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That's it I never felt my heart beat as fast as it does every time I get a message or I smile this much what is happening to me. |
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My feelings right now....
anger, sadnessssssss
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Im just angry, i feel alone.... the desire that im feeling right now is not what i expected. i been tooo hurt and theres no recovery. I just need that one thing right now to make me forget about it all to numb me. |
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I was very surprised, you said you read my journals. Showing me more and more that you care. But first wouldnt you have realized that all these journals over the past few days have been for you. , you said you broke rules that day, just like i did. Now i feel closer to you as weird as that sounds and it is scary such a rush. This is what i asked for ust why did i need to go away now. You said this scared you too, i hope its a good scare |
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i do not like when people start to draw me close to them and open up and then they pull back and away like its nothing. On a brighter note i met the weeknd today. =D |
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Little confused he was so talkatiave the first two days but the weekend nothing. Woke up today little happy i got the message from him but no response.
On another note i love reading journals on this |
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my heart just skipped a beat, after thinking i displeased him he shows me that he still cares. That he is still interested The thoughts that i can have maybe today he will tell me he wants to see me. One can hope, hes like a mystery that i want to know about, shy and nice on the exterior but has a demeanor of a dark man when no one is looking.
This life isnt about the pleasure or the physical torture that many people try to represent on this page. It isnt about hurting women or men for their pleasure it is just about the romance and that wanting no matter what he will wants you. That reassurance from him when you havent heard from him that you did nothing wrong
i want to know more from him he makes me want him more and more |
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Often lonely, she reflects upon herself as to what she had always wanted. Her heart beating as quick and feels twice as hard a mind that races whenever she thinks of what is missing. Her desires have been vanished because of the failure and the greed of the spineless man from her past. He took her heart, money, and any hope for her in her future.
She searched for something that would be beneficial, she had the wanting the needing to submit. Not in the way that he made her, not the abuse he gave her. It left her with scars that she will never forget. She wanted to serve someone and feel that they want her too, that when she is gone not only will she feel his absense in her core but he will feel it every time she is away.
Laying back she would want to serve him in ways she knows she can, to kneel in front of him and show him how much she worships his cock, and he would not let her see what she is doing. The blindfold black would highten all of her senses as she would have to remember everything about him. she would almost imagine it as she starts to lay down to pull out his member to kiss it and make her way down, lightly graze her teeth over the shaft of the cock. She can just feel the weight of his palm behind her head forcing her to go more. She wants the satisfaction of him rewarding her for her good work, she also wants his punishment if she does bad, to feel the riding crop trace her body when she misbehaved, or when she would unexpectantly tease him without anyone noticing.But when the punishment is done she just wants to be in his arms and his arms alone.
she doesnt know who this stranger is but she insists to find him. |
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I'm not sure why, is it his dark demeanor , or the fact that my heart skipped a beat when he called me special. I'm breaking rules and so is he. All I know is to not hear from him is the worst I wasn't sure at first but I'm more than sure now if he wanted me he would definitely have me.Why does this bother me so much, i never had someone have such a hold on me. Its only been a few days since i started speaking to him. Now that theres no responses i'm very sad everything he wanted to do i wanted. i wanted to please him be there for him. Submit to him. |
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