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Loving, supportive, curious, intense, edgy, loyal, fun-loving, volatile, meditative, intelligent, serious, child-like and irritating as f**k.
Submissive because I have to have a label. Straight because I have to have a label. However in truth its all more fluid, complex and wonderful than that.
I am intense, in good and bad ways, which makes for rich colourful experiences, and scary rides. Unfortunately much of everyday living is boring, average and mundane, and our connections to people skin deep and unsatisfying. Thats where my kink comes from the need to experience the full force of existence, to look oblivion in the face, to feel myself careering through space at the edge of a wonderful, beautiful, destructive universe.
Despite being submissive, I dont find myself on my knees whimpering mistress the whole time, because Im not anybodys carpet. Dont do submission by numbers and dont get turned on by any old standard image of a domme demanding submission. Real power exchange is far more subtle and far reaching. Thigh length black boots are lovely in the right situation, but they do not of themselves make a domme - any more than a collar, being clean shaved and a pathetic whimper makes a sub.
That being said, in the right circumstances, with the right person, I can be spooked, controlled and led by the nose to places I didnt previously imagine I would go. Once there I will do almost anything for someone and give myself completely.
So no appetising list of kinks. Thats pretty much the point of being submissive for me. Theres lots I like, but I tend to be turned on by what gets the other person going even if I really hate it. Limiting myself by highlighting a few favourite kinks or listing an extensive repertoire would be misleading. I dont have a do me list and see limits as flexible.
I dont have a glum or worthy idea about BDSM, but I do need someone right inside in my head to be able to really feel it. Frankly laying yourself completely open is scary, even if the fear is a big part of the turn on.
Here to make connections. Not here to procure professional services (nothing wrong with all that, but its not where I am). Also not here to pay for anyone elses lifestyle, unless there is a connection and our lives are intertwined - not because I am financially embarrassed, just because feeling like a fool while someone bleeds me dry is not a turn on. No problem with contributing, supporting, mutuality and doing whatever you can to please someone. Im submissive and naturally wired to make people happy. I am not however a brain-dead wank m, who will empty his bank account if he has a bit of a stiffy. (That sounds judgmental. YKIOK and all that of course. If it works for you and someone will do it with you, go for it.)
No picture because the real world of employment just isnt that open minded in my chosen fields of work. I know that is a problem to many, but I need to get to know people, and the anonymity of the net doesnt help. For my part although seeing a picture of you is great, you may look great in print but its not the same as looking into your eyes. Many apologies.
Great, thats probably guaranteed nobody will contact me.
Thanks anyway for persevering to the bitter end, and, if you want to prove me wrong, pop in and say hi. Im sociable, acceptably funny and occasionally interesting. Journal also available if you have time or energy to waste.
What more can I say?
The song is just something I like, not an emotional plea.
youtu.beeJZLns6OGE
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Hi there.
Thanks for clicking on my entirely anonymous and unremarkable profile. You'll find me more on the message boards these days. If you are here, you probably found me because I said something you liked, or more likely did not like on Collarchat.
Submissive, socially self-confident and approachable. Not worthless or wormlike even in a D/s relationship.
Interested in the mental and more esoteric aspects of BDSM and kink (especially since, let's face it, we're unlikely to meet) but no so far up my own arse that I can't speak to people or have fun.
No do-me lists, no hitting on people. Not chasing tail or anything else for that matter.
Happy to discuss kink, relationships, culture, music, politics and much more. Like you I have a life and am not a kink shaped parody.
Not into moaning about "fakes" and pro-dommes. People should know how to look after themselves on the net by now. If you want a service, do your research and go for it.
Don't send many messages but if I do send you one feel free to ignore it. I promise not to spam your mailbox if you upset me. I've got better things to do with my life. |
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Hi there.
My journal is full of random thoughts - some serious, some less so.
Please feel free to read or not read any of it.
If you get in touch I won't assume anything about your intentions. After all when I get in touch with people, I am just sending a message, not hitting on them.
I am also on the Boards. If you don't post there already, you should drop in. There's some good stuff if you look for it. |
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What is it all about?
I'm a submissive, not a caricature. I have opinions, beliefs, passions and a job which requires me to be anything but submissive.
Submission may be a strong underlying drive that I need to be happy; to want to do what another person needs whether or not it is what you want. To gain fulfillment from another's fulfillment. To feel complete through the satisfaction of another person's desires and to be willing to go to dark and scary places with them. To be tested, challenged and stretched.
What it is not is something I do because I lack the social skills or ability to be assertive when I need to be. I am not submissive to everybody. It is something that I choose in personal relationships.
So I'm not going to tell you how worthless I am. That's not too say that the right sort of D/s dynamic wouldn't make me more complete. It's just that I am a capable person. As with anyone there is much I can learn and much I can do to improve my life but there is no sense of desperation about what I do.
Desire is a different thing however. With desire I can completely belong to another.
Surely it is better to have someone who truly desire you rather than having someone who desires what you represent. So I don't just bow down to anyone who is dominant. A bit of objectification is fine in the right place but who really wants someone to fall for a fantasy version of them, rather than the real person.
How much better to become someone's fantasy once they really know you? |
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I hardly know what to say.
So much self-promotion, so many passive-aggressive demands, such exaggerated feelings of entitlement that the world owes you the lover you want, the kink you want and a meeting of minds even if you just can't be bothered putting in the work to get to know or care about someone else.
I'm not making demands or laying down expectations.
I write these journals because I enjoy doing it. Hopefully they are occasionally interesting. If I'm lucky you will get something from them but honestly I'm just not that presumptuous. Maybe if you read them they will tell you something about me, but I'm not selling myself like an advert for a new car.
Anyway, I am genuinely interested in you, what makes you tick and what gets you going. I don't have to want to play with you or marry you, and I'm not trying to make a good impression.
As a submissive I love to please and I can hold down a conversation without being disrespectful or screaming abuse at you. That's a selling point at least.
Come over an say hi. It might be worth it. It might not. But you are here anyway on a BDSM website full of adverts. You must be wasting at least some of your time. You could choose to waste some of your time over here. Or I could come over to your "place", whatever that means.
See - not a good sales pitch but that's because, as I have said before, I am not selling. |
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Sometimes the unexpected is delicious, warm, tingly and bitter. It shoots straight to your consciousness and changes the way you see the world. A glimpse of the forbidden so tantalising you almost believe and lose yourself in the dark space. You know it will destroy you or come very close, but maybe the shred that is left will be so addicted to a wonderful elixir that will let you see exquisite pain and beauty. It will heighten your desire with a super-aware sense that the world that once mattered and your former reality is just a pale reflection of a wonderful waking dream, which tears you apart never to be the same again.
There is a guide. She is at once cruel and understanding. She doesn't want you to be swallowed by the abyss but she needs to see you falling, somehow maintaining the thread that holds you together just enough for her to taste the sweetness of your tortured soul. You are at once alone and with her on a terrible ride, where the demons finally break their chains, ravage your mind and give you absolution. Your need to feel these forces and her desire to inflict the maelstrom and drink in its effects make you strange entwined companions. The very act of taking you there, pulling you back and letting you know that it is at her hand that you travel completes her, just as exploding your certainties in the void almost fills the deeper void in your dark soul.
Almost.
Almost.
But dare you even touch the flame? Exchange the shallow crust of your everyday life for the slightest glance at the terrible wonder of universe. The one who unleashes the darkness is also the one that holds the slim chance of your redemption. There are no guarantees and the safety net is a cruel illusion. Your faith in her ability to recover what is left of you and her faith in your fortitude to survive the fall is all that you have. This strange bond between you and the one who would cause you pain is an elemental force, strong as spider's silk but delicate like a butterfly's wings.
You can never be sure but you know what burns you and what burns within you.
What price a life less ordinary - greater than you can imagine and less than you think?
If not now, then when? |
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Time for another offering.
I always like to have something vaguely current up here.? It's a bit strange to be welcomed by a message from 3 years ago when you bump into someone's profile.
Enjoying CS these days, largely due to the Boards, where you can join in without someone thinking you are hitting on them.
Don't know how you made it here.? I don't advertise.? "Not looking" doesn't mean brain dead or not open to connections - it just means I'm not here to date.? This is not the place to do that kind of thing, not for me at least.
I may however want to get to know you, and it's always possible you might want to get to know me.? There is so much to share and enjoy.? If however you are on a fast track to finding someone to session with or focused on a romantic relationship as your reason for being here, I am not your man.? That is not a standard f*** off filtering mechanism, it is honesty to avoid misunderstandings.
Write anything to me.? Read my profile or journals before messaging me or don't.? They are not a bitter pill to consume before I will deign to speak to you.? I'm not going to judge or say "do not this" or "do not that".
There's no need to be smart, creative or a master of psychology, so many great friendships (and more) have started with "Hi, how are you doing?"? I know some people hate that round here, but I'm not some people.
The best surprises come from a lack of expectation.? Each day starts anew.
Anyway how are you doing? |
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Hello again. Yeah yeah I know you wouldn't read this stuff twice by choice, but being welcoming never hurt.
Just on case you want to read more, or take issue with me, this vaguely entertaining, partially deluded stream of consciousness is also available on the boards in collarchat - at no extra cost!
Random observations, kind words, pointless insults, offers of coffee and cake and short messages are all welcome. I'm not desperate for messages, I'm just not going to tell you what to write or judge you before you even start typing.
Now ain't that refreshing?
(And I do know that ain't is a colloquialism, and that I started this sentence with a conjunction, but somehow I think the streetlights will stay on.) |
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Oh no.
Clean out of Amazon vouchers again, and no idea how to get any more.
Whatever will I do? |
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A couple of words about expectations.
It's not about the play. We are unlikely ever to meet. It's about like minds and expanded horizons.
No I'm not sharing my picture. A few details about my work, where I live and my picture would instantly identify me, which I am not ready for. My friends and family is no problem, but work sadly is.
Finding either romantic love here (romantic in the sense of a meaningful relationship, not in the sense of cuddly squshiness) or fooling someone into dishonest long term titillation is not my goal. And no, just for people who read too hard between the lines, I am not looking for "discreet, no strings fun" either.
So for the avoidance of doubt, therefore, I am not looking.
Nothing is hard and fast, but real life is likely my first call for face to face experiences. That is not a rule, but I would not wish to mislead anyone by giving them the impression I am here primarily to meet people.
Anyway I suppose that almost makes my presence here pointless. My writing's almost grammatical, sometimes even slightly spell-checked, if you can be bothered. I can also hold down a fairly decent conversation, if too many extravagant offers of service from demanding subs is wearing you down.
Home for the healthily sceptical, I can, at least, be an interested and intelligent counterbalance.
Not what I dreamed I would be when I grew up, but in the absence of being internationally recognised as an intriguing mix of sex god, intellect and limitless giver to good causes, I can deal with it.
Best wishes in all your endeavours. |
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Welcome to my journal.
It's pretty patchy and random by anyone's standards. There's too much of it for starters, and the most recent stuff isn't necessarily the best.
You've come this far. You may as well browse through it. If you had better things to do, you'd be doing them. Anyway if you read from page two onwards, it's much more entertaining. I particularly recommend pages three to five. They got the most responses (not sure that is a good thing).
Oh, and if you choose to say "hi", I promise not to reward you by bombarding your inbox with countless, increasingly desperate replies.
What could possibly go wrong? |
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Getting to know people.
Look at a photo, read a profile, find a blog and a facebook page.
Why do we think we know people from browsing round their self-edited, polished productions? If we rush to meet a relative stranger, look in their eyes, well of course the full truth of their existence becomes obvious.
Alternatively perhaps we have no intentions of really learning. It's all risk management. Making sure we are not defrauded emotionally or otherwise. Protecting ourselves from fakes.
Except that people don't give everything. They give what they want, what they can or what gets them through.
The deception of the modern digital age is that we know everything about people. No longer the suffocation of village life, where everyone knows everything about you and your every action is stifled. Yet without that we feel that we cannot trust people, so we now require them to give us their personal details, publish pictures of their life and parade their casual acquaintances. More happy friend pictures, more reliability?
So what do we get? We instead get the suffocation and the stifling of having to publish ourselves on social media. Always useful to look friend-able and employable, unless of course you need neither. And, if you have nothing to hide, why wouldn't you publish yourself? Compliance and restraint, without the emotional closeness. The illusion of reduced personal risk (and ironically the by-product of electronic property and identity theft), without the genuine support of community.
Somehow we never adapted to an urbanised, global existence so we have created a pale internet imitation of village life. We know people less. We surround ourselves with the like-minded. We judge sooner. We ascribe motivations and characters from the slightest clue, because we do not and cannot know the people we happen across on-line. Even if we tag on the modern ritual of a cup of coffee in a neutral place, it only strengthens our illusions, because people are not so socially inept that they cannot present a face. (Although coffee does find someone out on a ten year old photo-shopped oil painting of a profile photo.)
People have always only revealed part of themselves. It has always taken time and patience to get to know someone. And human kind has generally accepted this. Even in a small village community, you get to know someone's personality, fears, secrets and regrets slowly, no matter how open they seem to be at first. Trusting someone with your essence is indeed a great gift and a huge personal risk.
Life's too short to take the time, and we have so many things to do, so many people to sift through, so few we can spend time on or allow into the hallowed sanctum of our friends list.
I'm not impatient for thrills, sex, a relationship or a meeting. I didn't come here as a consumer, ready to complain if I don't get what I came here for and quickly. Yes I'm hiding stuff (shock horror) but so are you. (No I'm not a married politician with three children and a gay lover in the office, I am just made of parts, not all of which are visible to you.)
I'm passing the time, passing through and hoping to learn a bit about the people here, the world and ultimately myself.
If you don't get what I'm selling, it's because I'm not.
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Renewal.
Is looking for something outside you to change you, to make you better, a forlorn hope or just a way of avoiding your own demons?
Do we look for images of ourselves in Dom or sub form, instead of mirrors or complements, people so different they challenge our entire being?
Once you are passed the need for instant contact, the truth of your desire starts to become apparent.
Life is a rough ride.
How much do we show even to ourselves? |
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It wasn't you. it was me, honestly.
I find the endless self-promotion difficult, and frankly I have a problem believing that anyone would want to waste their valuable time reading my journal offerings.
And worse, I don't even think that comes from a lack of confidence; my character is just incompatible with Facebook and blogging, especially if the subject is me. Before social media commodified our identity, social communication on the internet was all message boards and chatrooms; endless individual and group communication, with only what you said to indicate your personality. None of the tyranny of the profile and the fake cohort of public friends displayed like some cheap meter reflecting your personal worth. And none of the creepy big brother overtones of all your details being horribly public.
What do we have to hide? Only our souls. What do we have to protect? Only our hearts. Every flaw, weakness and aspect of our identity must be public, and mediated by the social websites on one side and commercial interests on the other. And how close the link between the two?
What of recovery, rebirth and rehabilitation in the age of the permanent record?
CM, we were not made for each other.
I never had what was required. I could not give what was needed. |
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Time to go I think.
So long and thanks for all the fish. |
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Don't read my journal - you wont like it. Honestly, I hardly like it.
Find some titillating images or some cute cats instead. |
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I'm seriously disappointed with the quality of socio-political and socio-sexual discourse on CM.? Where are all the stimulating ideas?
Wrong website again?
What of the revolt against social norms, the yearning for justice and and against oppression, and the delicious and challenging ways that moving away from traditional gender roles, sexual expectations and taboo can subvert power and deliver freedoms?
Yet here we sit, complacent with the illusion of insurance, pensions, dubious financial stability and satiated with the opium of cheap porn.? Religion just doesn't cut it when you believe you are getting your porn for free.? The internet may be a tool for rebellion, but don't hold your breath when political will is dissipated and we imbibe our fix of masturbation and cute cats with disturbingly altered faces.? Nothing wrong with genuinely challenging porn, just like 19th century religion was sometimes a force for good, but really is this what we are worth?
What of feminism? We ticked that box a bit early didn't we.? So close, yet so regressive, as the advances of the last century fall away and leave us stranded in celebrity culture and commodified identities and personal data.
There are those who question and change; those who enjoy all the trappings and remain self aware; those who are genuine and not exploitative in what they offer.? We can only hope to be conscious of our own double standards, deceptions and convenient oversights, and at least not lie to ourselves.? Perhaps we can keep a little whispered voice in the back of our heads urging us to wake up.
Wrong website, wrong website.
Anyway I'm just off to take down that picture of my erect genitalia I just tweeted in error to the Guardian, hopefully before my IP address is shared with law enforcement.
For those of you who read this far (probably in a state of advanced disbelief), I can only apologise for my outburst.? This isn't what you want on your kinky encounter and dating site.? You can only thank your chosen deity that you don't have to put up with pictures of my naked crotch as well.
Normal service will be resumed soon, or not all at, or any of the above. |
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No, not another journal entry.? Oh well, if you must....
Why, when life is too too short, do we so often avoid the things we need the most?? Be careful what you wish for because you might just get it, or not as the case may be.
In this post-modern world where the monsters are all internal, it is our own desire we fear the most.? And too often our own thoughts and inactions that we regret.
It takes trust to go the places we fear.? There are remarkable people to travel with, either through your own mind, someone else's or the big, bad, beautiful world we live in.
Tuppenny philosophy for the jaded - less objectionable than a list of things you don't like about people and details of whose mail is going straight to trash. |
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Too many labels. Too many rushes to judgement. Too little humour. Too many fixed ideas.
Thank goodness for the thinking, welcoming, funny and/or playful people, who stand out from the majority and make coming here a joy.
Vive la difference!
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Intelligent (or unintelligible) conversation and discourse welcome. I know there's more than rampant materialism and masturbation round here. It's just hard to see sometimes.
There is a deeper meaning somewhere. I think. |
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We all want to be cherished and loved, however we wrap it up.
How we are cherished in a relationship, where there is an explicit and agreed power dynamic, might not be traditional or easily explainable by those not in the relationship. If it can't be explained by the partners to the relationship, however, then there is something wrong.
Surprisingly enough, no matter what fantasies I have or roles I play, I am not looking for a sexual psychopath who has no concern for my welfare, whatever discourse there might be about power exchange.
Satisfying complex, deeply rooted needs for someone is a form of care and not abuse, yet there are many dom/mes with an abusive offer, just as there are many subs competitive in their self-destructive victimhood. So much posturing from 'true' dom/mes and subs, lying about the complete suppression of all their needs and how wide their arses can gape.
Surely the perfect symbiotic relationship is loving and caring, even if it isn't vanilla. I am wired to please, with a dark complex edge. I genuinely get off on what does it for another human being without selfishness. I may even be a bit switchy if that does it for someone.
What I don't expect however is to live in abject misery for someone because they are dominant.
YKIOK and all that, but is that really what some people are offering? |
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Looking for a loser? Don't look here.
My imperfections are many but I am successful, sane (almost) and proud. Submission is not mindless obedience, but a conscious choice (even if it's a choice you feel you have to make based on your deepest desires). Probably easier to milk a hormonally challenged fool, but how much better to be adored for you, rather than some stick-on, standard fantasy.
It's all too wonderful to give up your darkness lightly.
Submissive but not your submissive, unless the DNA knits together, not because you give yourself a label. But, if the DNA knits, your whole self can melt.
Not selling your soul but giving it freely. |
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UPDATED PROFILE.
Really?
No, same old rubbish. Just a transparent attempt to get people to read my profile. Look, I spent several long minutes of my life writing this drivel. The least you can do is read it.
How did you find me? Not hiding, just catching my breath.
Pop in and say hello. Unreserved warmth and humanity available. No tricks.
Am I on the wrong website?
Probably. |
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Ain't life complicated?
It's not just the right person but the right time, and being in the right place mentally, spiritually and physically. It's a wonder we ever connect with the right people.
And then we do, but life gets in the way.
Bugger.
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The best and worst of BDSM in one website. What's not to love?
If I message you, I'm not chasing your tail. Your profile caught my interest for any one of many reasons, not all of which are to do with tail.
Whether you respond is your choice. If your main interest is instant play, submission or rapid financial contributions, then, unless there is a major conjunction of heavenly bodies, you're probably out of luck. If however making a connection with another human being, without the pressure of worrying about how it all turns out, is of interest, I could just be worth a shot.
I understand for many people that is the very essence of the term "time-wasting". You are perfectly entitled to that view if getting down to business quickly is important to you. If that is the case, I may inadvertently "waste your time", although I will withdraw quickly and gracefully if that appears to be the case.
Otherwise I would only be too pleased to make connections with potentially interesting, stimulating, warm, funny, sociable or kinky individuals (or any combination of those things). |
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How about submission based on someone really yanking your chain, frying your brain and outflanking you?
How about submission where you get on, laugh even?
How about submission because two people's dark sides meet deliciously?
How about the whole Domme/sub thing because there is something unique there, which is built from the most genuine and scary intimacy, with one person guiding and the other giving everything to be the answer to the question?
How about BDSM being a life less ordinary, which takes both of you to new existence?
How about worshipping your love, who uses you and you do anything for, who loves to mess around with your very being, twisting you round, knowing it hurts but that twisted part of you wants to be taken to the edge and over.
And yet she holds you close to her heart and watches over you, while you go to the highest highs and lowest lows for her, only for her.
I'm sure this ideal exists, but instead you sometimes you get the expectation of submission because some brat calls themselves a Domme, so you've got to show respect. Or some glum protocol driven load of drivel where you follow the Domme/sub script from first contact. Hide bound by convention, trapped in a BDSM parody.
Gee, this sort of conformity with social norms was what I thought I was escaping with BDSM. Sometimes we're more conventional than the vanilla world we mock so much. BDSM by numbers. We all know the recipe. (I can mix metaphors with the best of them.)
I will show anyone respect because I know how to behave and when not to behave, so I'm not going to turn up in your in-box being belligerent and rude. And if there is a connection I will gladly fall down on my knees for that person and where she goes I will follow.
In the meantime, please don't expect me to become some brainless, dribbling drone, just because you say you are "Domme". |
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Why would someone seeking a long term relationship lie about their age? If you insist on honesty and trust from others, why would you risk that by pretending to be younger?
Age is just a number in some ways but in others it really matters. One sure thing is you can't change it. Well obviously you can, just as long as nobody notices it, and you never have to come clean.
Well that's sorted that out.
Next. |
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I'm a sub cos without a label people can't place you.
Unfortunately submission seems to encompass two extremes. One where the sub's approach can best be summed up as "do me" which isn't submission at all, but a manipulation of another person to get what you want. The other extreme, sought after by some, is the characterless drone, who does what s/he is told because they have completely removed their personality and critical capacity.
The truth is that I have a personality, career, views, beliefs and a critical capacity. I think, I feel and cannot leave my brain on the floor when communicating with anyone who calls themselves a "Domme".
Submission is far more complex. The whole point is that you do things because they work for another person, whether you like them or not. My turn ons are shaped by the other person. If they find something unbearably hot, it will turn me on.
On the other hand I'm not suddenly going to find myself agreeing with everything another human being says or does. You submit despite all of this. You do things to make them happy, even if it is difficult at times. Doing what you're told is not always easy. Whether you fight it like mad or take it gracefully is another matter.
What is the value of power exchange if you are just an empty vessel with nothing to contribute? |
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The joy of the internet. The ability to connect with people anywhere in the world, then pissing them off because you can't just pop in a car/bus/taxi and go and say hi.
Almost feel guilty that I need to get to know people before opening up and giving my body and soul. So many subs on here seem to make up front promises about being available and being able to travel when they are neither. Being honest about wanting to get to know people, before sending all your details, in the desperate hope of being placed on a list "for consideration", unfortunately often just makes you look evasive.
Wouldn't it be great to actually make connections without the constant worry that you are wasting someone's time? Or to find out about compatibility beyond what kinks you might share? All the valuable communication seems to get screwed up when all you are focusing on is the final goal.
I don't get the kink compatibility stuff when you are a sub anyway. Demanding certain activities when you are a sub is topping from the bottom which isn't my style. If you worship someone, what they want and need is what does it for you, no matter how uncomfortable it makes you feel. My submission is not a tired old internet cliche.
If I send you a message, I'm not propositioning you. I don't send many messages and every one is personal. No cut and paste here. I'm not chasing dozens of Dommes, in the hope of striking lucky.
I just found you interesting. You stand out from the terminally bland, the BDSM cliches and the scammers. What you do with that is, of course, up to you. |
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Very kind of you to offer to let me pay for all your luxuries in return for messages telling me what a worthless pig I am. Don't know how I found the strength to turn you down. Remind me again what was in it for me? No conversation, no chance of meeting up at some unknown point in the future, no mental stimulation. Not even a chance to enjoy the simple act of pleasing another human being. Just the possibility that, if I imagine your spending my money, I might get turned on thinking about it? Does it for me every time.
OK, I know, I'm submissive and self respect is a complex issue, but please.
And that's really a picture of you?
It gives you a little warm glow in your heart, doesn't it? |
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| Age: 29 |
| Xyz,
Alabama |
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