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I AM OWNED!
IF YOU WISH TO SPEAK TO ME PLEASE USE PROPER GRAMMAR AND SPELLING. I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO TRY AND NOT CORRECT YOUR MESSAGE BEFORE I REPLY TO YOU!
Ok. Just to put this out there: I have literally no self esteem. Everyone is too good for me. I just went off my meds due to no insurance so I'm even more pessimistic than is natural. I'm pretty much dead to the online world and I have really strange and macabre hobbies.
I'm a giant nerdy dork. I am a proud Lokean Heathen.
I love watching movies, drawing, writing, doing dorky things, taking pictures of my Lego Loki. I tend to have mercurial moods.
I'm a fur and I tend to use "paws, muzzle, tail...etc" most of the time.
I'm really picky when it comes to music. Blargh not sure what else to put here.
I consider myself a masochistic slave because I do enjoy physical pain and I enjoy serving and submitting.
I do have those days where I just want to be cuddled and treated a like a little princess but those days are few and far between. |
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I am now owned. Been owned for just over a year. |
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I give the fuck up.
I am most likely never going to find a mate. It seems everyone just wants sex.
If there's one thing to trust about me; trust my rage. |
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Been pretty much dead online to everything. Too much to deal with. Stress of classes. Needing to register for next semester and just feeling burnt out. Not looking to have a Master/Owner. Just friends to talk to. |
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Nothing really happened today. I made a credit card payment for mum. Mostly cos I was on my laptop and mum texted me asking to do it because she was paying other bills today. So I did that. I almost freaked that I did a double payment because my internet shat out but thankfully I closed the window and once my internet got back up I was able to make the payment only once so that was good.
I was on tumblr most of the day. I swear to Loki, Tom Hiddleston and Cookie Monster is just so adorable that my feels don't know what to do. I'm not even sorry for all my reblogs of Hiddles. UNF! That man! *swoon* Now if only someone would sweep me off my paws the way he does, I'd marry that person!
I also found a couple recipes I wanna try out too. Which reminds me, I need to look up hobbit food recipes so I can have them ready for my LoTR Marathon! That would be super fun. AUGH! I so want to have hobbit food now though! Curse you cravings! I'm even craving chiles rellenos and I *LOATHE* them. I'm actually looking forward to shredding chicken for enchiladas and beef for tamales. Ooh. I haven't had tamales in a long time. I would love to make tamales but ugh they take forever to make especially if you buy the meat raw. Mum usually cooks it over night and then we put it in the fridge and once it's cool I start my shredding. Heh. Mum always makin' fun of me "one piece for the bowl, ten pieces for me".
I miss my mum. She's *almost* one of my best friends. Granted there are somethings I don't tell her about *cough cough bdsm lifestyle hack hack cough*, but I can tell her other things and I know she won't judge me. Like, I was terrified of telling her the truth at the time I was in the psych ward. Especially because of the way my sperm donor ( I dislike calling him "dad" ), has issues with medications. I was scared that my mom was gonna think I was faking it and that I only did it to abuse the medications. So when I did tell her the only thing she said was that no matter how many men (she doesn't know I prefer women over men, and doesn't help I'm always swooning over Hiddles to her) are in my life, she'll always be in my life no matter what. She even believes that being on zoloft actually helps me rather than hinder me. That is a huge relief too.
I miss going out to lunch with mum and the boys. Going to the park or to J St. Marina to look for shells and quartz. I miss having the boys hunched in my room around my laptop watching movies. I miss playing around with them and making lego movies. Our lego movies consist of them beating the shit out of my lego while all three of us scream as I record it with my cell phone. I miss asking them for money and legos and they actually give it to me! I miss the silly way they say things.
Bleh. Feeling super homesick now. Ugh. I can't wait til I'm back in my room. With all my ghosties, ghouls and haunted dolls. I was thinking, I have a crystal bowl and a kind of crystal plate thingy, those would be great on my altar to Loki. Of course, I'm going to have to get some fall related things and lots of reds, oranges and yellows. Those colors come to me a lot when I think of Loki. Going to also look into organic pest repellent especially if I want to leave food offerings for Loki. He always wants me to have lots of spicy smelling candles as well. Which is a bit odd, but who am I to deny a God?
In other news, Loki's advice is bearing down on me. Blargh. Maybe I'm just over analyzing shit like I always do. Maybe that's why I have such bad luck with relationships. Maybe if I just stop and feel with my heart instead of listening to my pessimistic brain shit would be better. Ugh. I dunno.
Anyways. I wanna finish the movie I was watching while eating dinner but then got distracted. I'll catch you sad fucks later.
~Hail Loki, the Scarlipped, Flamehaired Skytreader
May Loki be with you, my deviously devious deviants. |
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Today I was a lazy fish. I kinda slept til 11. Lots of tossing and turning last night. Plus the fact that I was pretty pissed off that one of the games I had on my ipod had 40 levels and I beat them all. That was a bit of a disappointment but eh...it was a free game so I can't really be too pissed off. I'm so drained and exhausted.
Ugh. How in Loki's name am I gonna be able to deal with being out of the house a majority of the time not to mention all those people, and the boys, and mum and more people. I'm not sure how I'm gonna be able to handle that. Especially because this entire past year I've been pretty much a hermit. Anyways. I went over to Becca's again today. We didn't really do much. I watched My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Equestria Girls with Deja. She kept pausing it and rewinding and talking and I was like "Sweet mother of Sleipnir, I NEED FUCKING SUBTITLES!". She also decided to take my phone away and sit on it so that I'd watch the movie which was not cool. Then after the movie was over I kind of just stood around while Becca cooked dinner, Deja literally kicked my butt multiple times. She then touched my boob and I was freaking out whining "uncomfortable touches!"
I also texted mum too because we weren't really doing much. Mum sent me a picture of a lego box saying "Look at what ur missing!" so I replied with "DID YOU BUY IT FOR ME?!" and she replies, "Who do U think I bought it for? And why would it be in your room waiting for U!" and I say "SO THE BOYS DON'T DISMEMBER IRON MAN?!" So basically mum bought me a lego set with Loki, (sadly it's the same exact one that my ex bought me the month after I moved out here XD) But it's cool. That makes four, READ: 4, F-O-U-R, Lego Lokis. That makes me happy. Especially that she thought of me and bought me my own legos. That makes 3 sets that I have that are all mine. ALL MINE! My preciouses! *insert Gollum hiss*
In my personal life, I just really need love right now. Not sexual love, just to know someone loves me, someone cares about me, someone who sees me as a lover AND a slave not a lover or just a slave.
More of Loki's unconditional wisdom He's imparted to me, I swear He reworded from Grandmother Willow from Pocahontas. Sometimes I think His flaming hair has burnt into His brain. (Loki, you know I'm kidding.) But seriously, He's telling me that I need to let my heart speak instead of my brain and I'm just like, last time I did that, I ended up in the psych ward. I DO NOT, want to go through that again. Mostly because, I couldn't have my phone, I couldn't sleep with Charlie and no internet. I thought I was going to go insane. I ended up writing the entire time I was there. I filled three and half legal sized note pads (with 50 pages per pad) front and back with just my thoughts and descriptions of the ward. So yeah. I don't want to go back and have to go through that again. I'd probably end up crying if I couldn't sleep with Charlie.
Anyways. I think I'm gonna cut today's blog short because, being drained and exhausted from two days in a row of human interaction was a bit much for me.
~Hail Loki, the Scarlipped, Flamehaired Skytreader May Loki be with you, my deviously devious deviants. |
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Today was awesome. I went over to Becca's for Tunah Tuesday. We went to the store and I got a picture of Lego Loki with a thing of grape juice but I decided not to post it because I didn't realize I cut off the G so it looks like "rape juice" and yeah....That would not be cool man. So I have to take other pictures of Lego Loki to post.
I helped Becca make dinner which was chicken and broccoli. That was fun. It came out amazing too. That was the best part. I still have trouble with praying, I keep wanting to say "Heavenly All-Father." But yeah, I don't want to make things anymore hawkward for me than they already are.
I'm gonna go back tomorrow too so that'll be fun. We're gonna make lasagna. I'm kind of thinking that we're not gonna get to make the lembas bread. It's ok. I can do it once I get back to SD. It'll give me time to look for more hobbit related foods and have like a small hobbit party for me when I'm back for just me, mum, the boys and my sister. We'll watch The Hobbit (both the live action and the animated one), then we'll watch the one's with Frodo.
Loki's been on my ass again. He keeps telling me to be wary of anyone who want's to own me. I honestly just want friends who I can talk to. I don't think I'm ready to be owned again. Augh. I don't know. It felt so good to be able to say I'm owned but then at the same time, I'm scared I'm gonna fall into the same bad habits I did with my ex owner. I'm already getting overly clingy and freaking out and getting upset for no reason and I don't think that's a good thing for me to be doing if I want a long lasting relationship. I mean is it really that weird that I want to be able to fall in love with the person I'm going to call Owner? Does that really go against being a slave? I mean it is consensual slavery, meaning there has to be consent or else it's human trafficking and that's not at all that I want. I want to love the person I'm going to be with.
Loki just laughs at me and reminds me that this whole thing doesn't make sense to Him. Sometimes He's not really that helpful. Then He goes on to tell me that I need to really sit down and think about what I really want. Not what my head wants because that's obvious, no, Loki tells me I need to listen to what my heart wants. I told Loki about my owner and His only advice was to tread carefully and to heed whatever my gut says. Right now my gut says, I should really take the time to know him more as a person and not as my owner/master.
I mean, he tried to see what was wrong with me after I tried continuously pushing him away. I don't know. I feel like I have so many options now but he does make me want to curl up against him. AUGHHHH! *flails paws and claws at hair* Of course, Loki goes and makes fun of me for settling with him instead of waiting to actually get to know him and the others that are interested in me. Sometimes, Loki can really be a bag of dicks, but He is right, He usually is. It's just up to me to interpret the messages the Scarlipped one gives me and to take His advice.
I really don't want another "Matt" incident. Where for the first month was amazing and awesome and then as the month ended shit went down hill and my needs were too much for him and eventually it just doesn't work out. That one was my own fault though, Loki warned me and I didn't listen. This time I'm going to heed what the FlameHair says, because you know that last thing I need is to get way too attached and realize it's going to go down hill and I'm gonna end up even worse off than I was. Though of course, proper spelling isn't an issue with any of my new suitors or my current owner which I thank the Gods for. I would literally flip a fucking table and end it now if there was. Holy fuck that shit was annoying as all hell.
Watch I'm going to end up writing "Why I'm a Bad Slave, Don't Own Me" a tome by me. With appendices of "I'm A Clingy Fuck", "I Will Push You Away and Expect You Not To Get Pissed", "I Hate Myself but Please Love Me", "I Can't Make Up My Mind" and others.
I should probably stop here before I write anymore and won't have anything else for tomorrow. So that's it for today.
~Hail Loki, the Scarlipped, Flamehaired Skytreader
May Loki be with you, my deviously devious deviants. |
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So today was pretty much the same. Mum called me last night at like 11. We chatted until about midnight. Apparently my brother had flipped the car over before driving it into a light pole. So yeah. The car is completely totaled. Also his girlfriend managed to pay his bail and he only spent a I think like a day in jail. Which honestly it would have been better if he spent the entire time til Thursday. I think it would have done him good.
I had trouble with a Dominate who made me cry. That was not fun. I don't understand why shit has to be so complicated. Its like a bunch of them just want someone to help them get off and be literal sex slaves. I don't know what happened to a lot of people in the lifestyle. Maybe the got tired of the elitists and the people who spew bullshit all the time.
I'm slowly counting down the days til I'm back in California. Me and mum talked about that too. I even told her that I wanted to start a bone collection. She was cool with it and said "I've heard weirder things."
OOOH HOLY FUCK! That reminds me. So I was telling mum that ever since I went into the psych ward I haven't really been able to sense stuff and she said that she believes when ever one of us goes through a traumatic experience something happens to our gifts. Hopefully when I get back to San Diego, I'll be able unblock them. Then we started really talking about it and it now makes sense why my first words were "Who's that?" often accompanied by me pointing to nothing or no one.
Ugh. All my life I've hated my abilities and I've always wanted to get rid of them and now I don't have them anymore, I want them back. Who ever said "you don't miss it until it's gone" was completely accurate. All I can do is wait and see with going back if they'll return or not. I want them too. I really do...but if not...then I guess I'd have to get used to the idea of not having them anymore.
I also have been collared. Kazetora-sama, he's kind but strict. I'm a bit iffy about it because I don't know how well we'll mesh. And he's pretty much only managed to make me giggle-snort, is in the BDSM lifestyle and kind of tolerates my morbidness. So that's good. He's younger than me which is kind of weird because I prefer older people. He's also only a few inches taller than me which again is also strange because I prefer taller people. We do seem to get along fairly well and we have similar tastes on certain subjects.
All I can do is see how well we'll be in the coming time and wish it doesn't go sour. I mean I like him. I do, maybe he was right that I do love him but I'm terrified of saying it. Because if I say it's true then where does that leave me? And I only met him today. Ugh. Why does shit have to be so complicated. I just hope that one day I will be with someone I love and won't be abandoned by that person.
Anyways. Aside from that, tomorrow is Tunah Tuesday and I'm not sure what Becca has planned. I really want to make the Elven lembas bread. But I won't know for sure until I get there and see how Becca's feeling. Hopefully that will happen if not it's alright. I can always do it back home. Have Hoopla and Chip help me and then we can watch the Hobbit and have a LoTRs marathon and eat Elf bread. That actually sounds like a really good idea. I should totally tell mum now.
Pshhhhhhhh. Anyways. I think I may try and get some sleep.
~Hail Loki, the Scarlipped, Flamehaired Skytreader
May Loki be with you, my deviously devious deviants. |
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