littlesubkitty

 

 

 

 

At some point of your training, you begin to realize that your submissive can be more than they are at that moment. Whether they have already learned everything you have taught them or they simply seem bored with being a submissive, a Dominant’s job is to make sure that training continues. Let’s talk about how you can intensify your training sessions so that your slave is going to realize that you’re not done with them – not at all.

First Things First…

Sit down with your submissive outside of the Dungeon and talk to them. Ask them how they feel in regards to their training. Some things you need to understand and the more you understand the better you will be able to ramp up their training:

• Are they feeling overwhelmed from training?
• Are they adjusting well to their training and dealing with the rest of their vanilla life?
• Are they having a difficult time remembering instructions/training?
• How has their energy level been?

These questions can give you a good idea of whether your submissive is overdoing things, being pushed too hard and/or is close to burning out.

• How difficult would you say your training has become?

• Do you find yourself becoming bored or uninterested in training lately?  Are you becoming bored or uninterested in things in general?

• Are you wanting more challenges and tasks to be assigned to you in your training?
• Is there any new skills or activities that you are wanting to learn?
• Is there anything that you need more from Me as your Dominant?
• Do you have any concerns regarding your training or of Me (Your Dominant) that you would like to speak openly about?

You can always ask more questions, these are just meant to help you get started

Use Harder Toys

 

The usual way that Masters will increase their training force is by adding new toys to the dungeon. There are so many devious toys available today that you can simply go to a store online or in your town to find things that whip, scrape, and do all sorts of naughty things. Look for things that cause more intense reactions, even besides pain. For example, a larger than normal gag can be just the thing your slave needs to be quiet, for one, but it will also make her feel all the more helpless, which can cause her to be trained more effectively. Pick out three new toys that you think your slave agrees to and then see just how much better a slave they become after just a few sessions with the new experiences.

Train More Often

An easy way to begin to increase the intensity of your training sessions is to have more sessions than you normally have. If you can meet every day, then this will certainly allow you to cultivate more slave behaviors. While this also means that you as the trainer are going to have more work to do in terms of planning, you will also have a slave that is learning things faster and responding to your commands more quickly. Consider drawing up an intense training plan for a week or two, and then go back to the training schedule you had before. Sometimes, you just need to train together more in order to help keep training difficult and challenging for the both of you.

Schedule Weekend Sessions

If you can’t train every day, and this just isn’t possible for many BDSM couples, you might want to plan a weekend of uninterrupted training. This will allow you both to work closely with each other, while also getting away from the distractions of the real world. In these weekend trainings, you can have your slave serve you the entire time, testing them the whole time to see just how much they have learned. Since they may not be accustomed to being a slave 24/7, this becomes a great way to see where their flaws might be and what training has to done next in order to make them better. This is also a good time to give them a list of things to accomplish during the weekend. You might be pleasantly surprised by their willingness to serve, and this feeling of being a good slave might just carry forward into your vanilla life with them when you are home.

Don’t Limit Your Training To The Dungeon

The point of sub training is to help a submissive to learn and grow as a submissive and a person. Don’t think all training must come from you. In fact, there are entire institutions and schools already built that can help to ramp up a submissive’s training. It really depends on what you are looking for and what your submissive is interested in learning.

• If you want help with your business, there a lots of different courses from business admin, business management, Public relations, marketing…etc
• Want to do more hosting at your home than have your sub taking a fine dining course, wine tasting studies or anything that would help them to make that night perfect.
• Don’t forget that domestic servitude has plenty of courses as well. There are tons of Culinary classes a submissive can take to enhance their culinary expertise.
• A nice long massage at the end of a long day is one of the best things to look forward too. While all massages are nice, a massage from a trained submissive is divine. Of course they will never learn the correct technique if they are not taught.

Let your imagination run wild with different training/courses your submissive can take to enhance their service.

Test, Test And Test Some More

If your submissive believes training has become so easy that they are bored than now is the perfect time to test them on that theory. You see to become so bored of training means that your submissive believes they have mastered all their skills to the point of it being second nature. This means they no longer have to think about what to do and all their reactions will be instantaneous. Make sure your submissive understands what it means when they say their training is easy.

Once they understand, setup an extended schedule of testing. You can even make a calendar, or setup a day planner where each test will be displayed. Don’t tell them what the test is on, just that there will be a test and to be prepared for it. If they fail the test or don’t show a second nature reaction, spend your training time drilling those errors and/or include an appropriate punishment. If however, at the end of a one or two week intensive test period they prove they have mastered all the skills you have ever taught them than make sure they receive a substantial and generous reward.

 

The point is if a submissive believes they have mastered everything you have taught then they need to prove it.

Strained Testing

If a skill has become second nature, than the slave should be able to perform any task or answer any question asked of them instantly. It is very easy passing a test when there are no distractions.  Even if a submissive is able to pass multiple tests this does not mean the learned skill or behavior has become second nature. Having them in a strained position/situation can distract their conscious mind and make it difficult to quickly recall memorized answers.  Whereas instinctual responses will happen whether or not a submissive’s mind is distracted.

The positions don’t even have to be extremely intense or all that strained. You really only need to provide a little force over an extended period of time.  This force will slowly become more and more intense. As it becomes more intense the submissive will need to rely more on their natural instincts then their memory to answer questions or perform tasks.

Popular strained positions can be as easy as having the submissive sitting down on their tippy toes. Another can have the slave standing upright, hands stretched out at their sides level with their shoulders and a book placed in each hand. At first, this doesn’t seem all that bad but after a few minutes their shoulders will begin to ache. That ache can be very distracting.

An alternative to this is having the submissive hold a tray with a glass of water in front of themselves. Again over time the tray will become heavier but better yet they will need to ensure that the water never spills as you continue to test them. Their goal will be to keep the water in the glass, while it will be your goal to get your submissive to spill the water.

Of course, using any of the usual BDSM techniques such as spanking, flogging, caning, clamps…and anything else your devious mind can come up with that will distract your submissive’s conscious can work.  You can use them as stand alone distraction tools while you test your submissive or you can incorporate them while your submissive is holding water/books.

 

If you’ve noticed that your slave isn’t getting any better or that they’re getting worse at things they used to do perfectly, it’s time to make things harder. Just as with physical exercise, your slave can’t excel if you’re not pushing them to do better. Always make sure that you check in with your submissive after each training session to see if the increase in intensity is working for them.  By communicating about what works and what did not, you can both learn from the experience and change things as needed.

***************Disclaimer***********************

This is by no means a comprehensive discussion and you should do research on your own and discuss with your partner what boundaries and lines YOU are comfortable with.  I am not a medical professional, and I take no responsibility or liability for results of activities discussed herein.

 

Pregnant BDSM

***************Body Parts and BDSM*********************

Let’s begin with a quick review of the pregnant body and potential areas of risk/controversy…

Breasts

In pregnancy, your breasts often swell at least a single cup size, and often more than one due to the development of milk ducts.

There is a great deal of controversy about what you can do, should do, and should abstain from doing with regards to breasts and BDSM with during pregnancy.  I have heard that rope bondage and impact play can damage the developing ducts if done incorrectly, and that restricting blood flow because of tight rope bondage can affect your blood pressure.  I have also been told that the ducts are covered by enough fat that neither impact play nor bondage should actually rupture or injure a developing milk duct.  The second opinion was given more often than the first, but overall the opinions broke down 1/3 to about 2/3rd in favor of breast play being okay.

HOWEVER…and this is different for every woman….but….

My breasts were super sore almost from the second that the word positive flashed on my pregnancy test.  A soft caress was torture, and I didn’t want my husband ANYWHERE near them until almost the end of the first trimester.  You should think about how much your breasts can handle, and be aware that it will change throughout the pregnancy.

I found that my nipples were MUCH more sensitive, and while I was never a fan of nipple clamps prior to pregnancy, I can’t imagine using them at this point.  If you do use them, I’d suggest using a lighter touch and a shorter time limit (safety dictates about a 20 minute max under normal circumstances…I’d suggest no more than 5-10 for a pregnant woman).  As the second trimester progressed, the sensitivity has lessened a bit, but was still significantly higher for me than prior to my pregnancy.

Another thing to factor in when considering using nipple clamps is the colostrum factor…my breasts began discharging colostrum around the second trimester, but for some women this can start much earlier or later than that.  I would imagine, however, that the colostrum could make your nipples much more difficult to clamp, depending on the clamp, and might make them more slippery…and one of the most painful things I’ve ever had happen with nipple clamps is feeling one pop off.  You might want to use something like clothespins or metal clamps to get a better grip than something tipped in rubber that could slide off.

When it comes to bondage, I think that your level of experience should dictate how much you do it while pregnant as well as the tenderness of your breasts.  My partner and I are very much novices at rope bondage–in fact, a friend had only taught us a basic chest harness the weekend I conceived the Little Mistress and we found out about the pregnancy approximately 2 weeks later.  For us, it wasn’t a smart move to continue to play with rope bondage because we just weren’t experienced enough to make good judgment calls.  I think, however, if you’ve been doing it for long enough that you feel confident making judgment calls about how tightly you’re binding the breasts, then you are probably fine to decide for yourself on this.

As for impact play, I decided that erring on the side of caution made sense for us.  We are effectively still novices at BDSM and with the sensitivity factored in, it just didn’t seem like a safe area to play with.

Belly

Your belly obviously undergoes the majority of the physical changes when pregnant.  Your muscles stretch as the baby grows.  Your stomach and other organs are shifted up to make way for the growing uterus, so not everything is where it normally is.  See below….

 

During the third trimester, the stomach muscles even split apart to allow for the final development of the fetus.

Corsets should not be worn during pregnancy, unless you are wearing a maternity corset that does not constrict your abdomen.  It is interesting to note that post-partum is one of the few times when a training corset can actually reshape your rib cage to help create the desirable hourglass shape.  This is because your rib cage needs to return to it’s original place after opening up a bit in the third trimester…and you can convince it to become smaller.

I’m not entirely clear as to the safety of over-bust corsets when you’re nursing.  I do know that you’re not supposed to wear under wire bras because they can cause plugged ducts and mastitis.  I imagine that the boning in corsets could be equally problematic.  I am, however, planning to occasionally use my under-bust corset while nursing.  Just info for you to know. (Edited to add–I did not, as it happens, wear my under-bust corset often as my milk stained the silk and created a very expensive dry cleaning bill for us the few times I did…the corset became a VERY SPECIAL OCCASION piece while I was lactating).

Impact play is not something you probably ever want to engage in with the stomach.  However, this article talks about the issues surrounding impact during pregnancy.  Basically, the harder you’re hit, the more you’re risking a placental abruption, which could mean early delivery and possible death the fetus.  Don’t do it.  Period.  There was full consensus on this one.

Rope Bondage in pregnancy was a bit more tricky.  I was told by a midwife not to do it because it could/would cut off flow to the fetus.  I was, however, told by an EMT that it’s all about knot placement and just not to do it too tightly.  There was also at least one or two presenters at DO/FW who said they didn’t think it was harmful.

Again, I’m going to say that you’re going to have to make your own call, and you should largely make it upon careful reflection of your skill level.  I would strongly caution you to put fishing line behind at least one rope so that in an emergency you can tug on the fishing line and cut through the bondage rope.  Keep your scissors handy.  In this case, my decision to avoid rope bondage was a combination of inexperience, and that I took the advice of the midwife as being the most expert in this particular area.

When topping, just be careful that you don’t smack yourself in the belly on your swing or follow through.

Inner Thighs

I was told by the same midwife cited in the last section that the inner legs, especially the inner thighs were called “the valley of clots” and that impact there during pregnancy could cause a clot to break loose and cause serious damage to the mother.  I will say that I haven’t found a lot of data to support this, except an article here about pregnancy massage that notes about halfway down that

“During pregnancy, the veins that might harbor these thromboemboli or deep vein thrombosis (DVT) are the iliac, femoral and saphenous veins of the inner thigh.”

I was told by the EMT cited in the breast section that biting is fine and poses no risk, but he was the only person to bring up biting.  I met him working as a Dungeon Monitor at FW, so I would assume that he is correct.

Personally, I don’t go in for a lot of play on my inner thighs as they’re ticklish so I can’t speak to this.

The Back

Guess what?  Nothing happens to your back during pregnancy.  Have fun!

Well, not quite nothing…after week 16 or so of your pregnancy, you are not allowed to lay on your back because the weight of your uterus will slow blood flood through the aorta and the vena cava, which takes blood to and from your uterus.  This is a general rule of pregnancy and does not just apply to sex/BDSM.

However, the back is where the majority of our impact play has gone.  It is one of the few areas with no warnings, contradictions, or changes from what is considered safe on a regular basis.  Unlike your organs in the front, your kidneys do not change position, so as long as you knew where they were in the first place, your information is still correct and stay the hell away from them as always.

We chose not to continue to use floggers on me during pregnancy because my partner was working on his aim and I was concerned about wrapping.  He did not have the skill level, although I was open to other partners potentially using floggers and would be open to it during future pregnancies, once my partner has proven aim.

It’s hard to go flying into sub space when you’re focused on how safely your partner’s blows are landing or don’t completely trust their aim.

I would, however, encourage people to continue to use floggers, canes, whips, sensation toys or whatever you currently play with on the back.  I wouldn’t necessarily start using whips or floggers during pregnancy if you haven’t used them before, but as we found out, starting to cane during pregnancy is perfectly safe, especially once you’ve done a few educational sessions (hit there, that’s a bit low, etc).  (Edited to add–In fact, canes have become our favored impact instrument, and there are many options for various sensations…thin, wide, bundled…I strongly encourage anyone who likes that sort of impact play to invest in some good canes for the pregnancy.)

The Ass

Controversy reigns once more.  I have been told the ass is totally safe to wail on, and I have been told it’s totally unsafe.  I’ve been told just to stay away from the crack because of the location of the coccyx (tailbone) and that motion/force would travel though and impact on the uterus.  I’ve been told that the lower cheeks are the only completely safe place to hit a pregnant woman.

Personally, I have no clue when it comes to impact.  We generally played it safe and chose to restrict impact on the ass to hands and moderate impact.

I will say that a big consideration would be what you’re leaning over.  Obviously you want to stay away from any and all furniture that requires you bend over or brace yourself against a hard surface.  Even if being spanked really hard with a hand/paddle/whatever is totally safe, the reaction to the impact (your hand hits my ass, my hips move forward a bit from the force of the impact) is to slam your belly against the solid object, which is NOT SAFE.  If you are going to be bent over, I encourage you to go into “doggy style” position or to lean over a stack of pillows.  You can make your own judgment call about your partner’s lap. (

Edited to add…this is one of those things that will be different in each trimester…in my third trimester, doggy over a few pillows was the only comfortable position to accept a spanking)

The Feet

Interestingly, there are pressure points in your feet that can cause you to go into labor.  I have been told by anyone who knows anything about massage, including two massage therapists that you should NEVER rub the bottom of a pregnant woman’s foot.  If you are a professional massage therapist who specializes in pregnant foot massage, maybe you know the specific point to avoid, but for the rest of us, stay away.

I don’t know that caning feet is out, as it seems to be a problem with massaging a specific pressure point that could induce labor, but it’s not my kink.  Tickling is fine, as is sucking and general light touch.  I have gotten a light massage on the tops of my feet and my Achilles tendons which felt nice, and might make for good service bottoming to a pregnant top.

I advise against wearing heels for extended periods during pregnancy, especially if you’re about to engage in a long scene.  I found going barefoot or wearing comfortable flats (I admit it….I switched to flip flops after I’d blindfolded my submissive while topping and when I bottomed we made it a point of humiliation to get into flip flops so that I could feel comfortable and appropriately submissive)  made for a much more enjoyable experience.  Another issue with heels during pregnancy is that they put strain on your low back.  Not that this isn’t always true, but remember, the growing baby is already doing a number on your low back and the relaxing that is coursing through your body is softening and loosening the ligaments in your low back and they can be strained or injured much more easily.  Heels aren’t a total no-no, but they should be worn for shorter periods of time only.  Fetish heels are much higher than normal heels and thus the impact is also more severe.

Upper arms

Again, nothing happens here during pregnancy.  If you’ve done impact play on your biceps before, or even if you haven’t, it’s a great place  to do so during pregnancy.  Make sure you know how to throw a safe punch (so you don’t damage your thumb) before you do so.  I’ve always found it pleasurable to get sensation and impact here.

The Face

There aren’t any major changes that happen to your face (perhaps water retention).  If you’ve done light slapping or whathaveyou before, it is still safe to do so.  If you haven’t, it might be another good thing to try.

*************Emotional Issues*************

I believe a specific concern with BDSM during pregnancy is that as a pregnant woman, your emotional state is almost constantly in flux.  Even if you (like me) are a woman who generally enjoyed verbal humiliation (being called a slut, a whore, whatever) pre-pregnancy, this is not a guarantee that you will continue to do so.  I personally experienced moments when my partner called me a slut and I almost began crying, wondering why he was being so mean to me.

It’s hard to predict when a change will occur.  You need to have iron clad safe words and signals that will stop a scene dead if an emotional change does occur and the pregnant woman no longer feels safe.  While I think this is more of an issue as a bottom, I can see how a top could go through an emotional shift and suddenly want to cry at the idea of calling her submissive names or want to put down the flogger.  It has to be clear to her that it is 100% OKAY if this happens.

Aftercare also becomes a bigger deal when you’re pregnant, or at least it did in my case.  I needed the extra reassurance that I had done well, that I was loved and cherished (especially when I had consented to verbal humiliation within the scene), and that I had to be brought back to myself even more cautiously and carefully than before.

Your sex drive will most likely change and there is NO way to predict how it’s going to change.  I had a LOT of issues early on, which made my sex drive tank.  These problems included early bleeding, for which I was put on pelvic rest (nothing in the vagina), and bleeding every time I orgasmed (which made me scared of sex).  Once I got over the fear (basically once I’d finished the first trimester and was no longer terrified I was about to miscarry for the second time in a row) and finally stopped bleeding, I also suffered from some of the worst pregnancy nausea and vomiting known to woman-kind.  I lost 10 lbs in 5 weeks.  It took anti-nausea meds and time to help me get to a point where sex was even remotely interesting again on a regular basis.  Nothing kills the mood like having to say “get off me, I need to throw up” (unless you’re into that, in which case, I was your dream partner when I was pregnant).

You may have a harder time maintaining the mood.  Many women, including myself, can be sucked out of the mood by a well placed kick, a bout of heartburn (nothing says sexy like throwing up in your mouth a little) or the awkward positions you may have to assume to have intercourse.  My partner and I personally recommend  Nina Hartley’s Guide to Pregnant Sex DVD.  It helps in terms of suggested positions that will be less awkward during the later stages of pregnancy as well as giving a visual demonstration of perineal massage (helpful to keep you from tearing during delivery).

Blood flow increases dramatically during pregnancy and you may find that orgasm is either easier or harder to achieve.  I often find myself shrieking at my husband to touch me more softly on the clit because it was so sensitive.  Often, it’s difficult to achieve orgasm through anything other than a vibrator under my control because it’s too easy to reach the pain point where you know orgasm is never going to happen through touch.

*****************Types of Play and Options********************

This is a tricky and by no means comprehensive list of topics.  I don’t engage in many types of play (blood play particularly comes to mind) so I can only speak to my experiences.

Topping

As a switch, most of my fears surrounding pregnancy and BDSM were as a bottom.  Thus I spent the first six or so months of pregnancy exclusively topping.  If you are a bottom, this may be a good time to play with topping.  You feel more in control, you are selecting the toys, and you are the one who is in charge of running the scene.  One of the biggest issues I’ve faced as a pregnant woman is a loss of control of my body…topping was great in that it gave me the illusion of control (and some amount of real control).

However, when you top, you do need to disclose your condition if you’re playing with someone who isn’t your partner.  You need to talk about what limits you might have, such as not using a violet wand on someone (more about electricity play in a minute).  You need to explain that your emotional state may cause you to stop a scene, and you’ll want to arrange a specific phrase that says you’re about to shut a scene down.

Bottoming

Bottoming requires a MUCH more in depth discussion, especially if you’re about to submit to someone new.  I personally chose to not submit to anyone but my husband during my pregnancy.  It was disappointing at times, and there were people who made it clear that they would enjoy topping me whom I would normally have consented to playing with, but the thing is that no one was as invested in the little girl growing inside me as myself and my partner.  Thus, he was the only one I felt comfortable submitting to.  Remind yourself that it is OKAY to be uber choosy about who you submit to while pregnant.

You need to talk about your body, and what YOUR limits are as a submissive.  You need to go over your body parts like I did in the section above and explain what can and can not be done to your body (depending on what YOU are comfortable with and how knowledgeable the top in question is).  You need to have a phrase/safe-word that stops the scene cold.  Explain your needs regarding aftercare as well.

Electricity Play

Don’t do it.  I’m not kidding.  Violet Wands are out.  My physical therapist won’t even do electro-stim on my back because there’s enough of a risk that it could send the uterus into contractions that even when it could provide medical benefit, it was too risky.  Everyone is in strict consensus on this one–stay the hell away from electricity play.

Hot Tubs/Hot Water

This is actually in all the pregnancy books.  You need to avoid submerging your body in hot water, and raising your internal temperature over 101 degrees maximum.  In early pregnancy it can cause death to the fetus, and throughout the pregnancy it can cause harm.  Running a fever of 101 or higher is cause to call your OB right away, so hot baths and especially hot tubs are out.  It’s depressing…believe me, I know, but it’s for the little one’s safety.

Pet Play

This was the only way that I felt comfortable submitting for quite some time.  I invented a pet persona, Kitty, who was a cherished pet kitten of my husband.  I wasn’t allowed to be verbal except for meows (which I can do tonally to express a variety of feelings) which made me submissive.  There was a cue if I did need to communicate in words, which is a necessity especially when you are pregnant and a position becomes uncomfortable (such as being on all fours, which made my belly hurt after a while…an increasingly shorter time the heavier my daughter got).  Being a cherished pet keeps you in the submissive role, but doesn’t bring any of potential issues that impact play or bondage do.

Bondage

I found this article on pregnant bondage.  It’s worth reading in addition to my comments on bondage with regards to specific body parts above.  There’s also this DVD…not instructional, but if you love bondage and don’t want to do it yourself, you can at least watch it being done.  I haven’t viewed it, but it came up on several google searches.

Something worth contemplating, especially in the later stages of pregnancy is that you probably want to avoid doing rope bondage that limits your mobility for one simple reason–the frequent and irresistible need to pee.  Unfortunately, should the baby decide to hang out on your bladder you will go from zero to sixty in very little time.  After around 20/24 weeks or so, all the kegeling in the world won’t stop you from having an accident.  And you probably don’t want to cut through expensive pretty fetish rope, do you?  Think about doing more decorative bondage as opposed to mobility related bondage.

It bears repeating that you can’t be on your back after 16 weeks of pregnancy, even on a soft bed.  Do not consent/ask a pregnant woman to lay on her back and get tied down.

I don’t know enough about suspension play to give any advice on this topic, but I would guess that it is most likely less safe during pregnancy and you should research it further if you wish to continue to play with suspension.

Impact Play

Like I noted above, you need to take each body part and your/your play partner’s competence into account.  Make the right judgment calls for you.

Fetish Furniture

I’m basically lumping crosses, spanking benches, etc all into one category.  My advice is to be aware of your stomach at all times.  I chose not to be tied to a cross when submitting because I found it much safer to brace my body about six inches off the cross so that I kept it safe at all times.  You don’t ever want to be in a position where a blow would send your stomach into impact with a hard object.

Additionally, remember that after 16 or so weeks you should never be laying flat on your back.  Laying on your back slows blood flow in the vena cava and the aorta which slows blood flow to and from your uterus.  This is a rule in general and not just about sex and BDSM.

Fetish Clothing

As I noted above, corsets should be avoided during pregnancy.  There are pregnancy corsets, but I don’t see the value in spending a ton of money to wear something for such a short period of time.  I know it hurts…remember I went to two sex conventions and had to leave my pretty corsets behind…but it’s for the best.

As noted above again, heels are to be avoided or worn for short periods of time only.

Tight clothing is going to be problematic, and often painful if it’s near your belly.  If it doesn’t breathe or have give, it shouldn’t be near your belly.  You can do all sorts of tight things like vinyl/rubber gloves, tops and skirts if you wear them low enough.

You’re going to have to get creative because your body is changing and it may not go back to normal.  Some women gain a shoe size during pregnancy, so I’d advise against buying cute mistress boots during pregnancy (or do what I did and go a 1/2 size larger if they are the cutest shoes you’ve ever seen and you MUST have them).

I found that things that were see through and mesh or involved elastic waistbands worked best.  Something to consider.  You can also do the exceptionally slutty schoolgirl look.

*******************Medical Stuff*********************

Your OB Needs to Know

This is an uncomfortable conversation.  I’ve had it with two OB’s in the past year.  But they need to know if you are not monogamous (more extensive STD testing and more frequent STD testing than a monogamous woman), and if you are into the scene, especially if you’re going to show up from time to time with bruises.  You may want to try find a doctor on Kink Aware Professionals (an NSCF site) but you may not be able to find an OB there (I wasn’t and I live near a major US city with a TON of hospitals).  You’re going to have to be comfortable doing some education on the topic and possibly interviewing several OB’s or Midwives to find one who is comfortable dealing with a practitioner of BDSM.

In my case, my doctor was a bit thrown, but basically asked me to be careful and said that if I had questions she could try to find answers, but was honest and did not know anything about BDSM.  She asked me once or twice if I was being abused and when I assured her that I am not a victim of domestic abuse, she dropped it and we haven’t spoken of it since roughly 16 weeks of pregnancy.  Not every OB may have this opinion, however, so be prepared.

When to call the doctor/go to the hospital…When things go wrong

You need to know what signs of something wrong are…

1-Clear fluid leaking from your vagina that is not urine and not cum.  I had an embarrassing incident where mid-sex I basically peed on my partner.  However, because of cum and other liquid, I couldn’t quite figure out what the liquid was.  I called the OB’s office and they told me to do the following–wipe, put on a pad and lay down for 1 hour.  If I soaked through a pad in an hour to come in immediately because it was likely premature rupture of membranes.  I didn’t, and we concluded that his weight probably just pressed down on my bladder, causing me to have an accident.  If you see clear liquid and can’t identify it, call your OB right away.

2-Blood.  If you are seeing blood, you need to call your OB.  It could be a sign of miscarriage, a UTI infection, or something totally different.  It depends on where you are in your pregnancy.  In my first pregnancy, it meant I was miscarrying.  In my second, it was because my placenta had some trouble implanting and some blood had pooled in my uterus–every time I orgasmed, some came out.  There’s NO WAY of telling, and you need to talk to the doctor ASAP.

3-Contractions.  If you are feeling contractions, you need to talk to your doctor.  If you are before week 36, and feel more than 4 in an hour (or whatever guidelines your doctor may give you) it’s a warning sign and you want to get into the hospital before you go into active labor…they can stop it most of the time.

4-Dizziness or Faintness–could be a warning sign of many things.  Call your doctor.

5-Decreased Fetal Movement-after 28 weeks, you should be doing regular kick counts.  If your baby is showing decreased fetal movements, do not wait several days to call your doctor.  Call them immediately.

In the end, it is much better to be the worried pregnant lady than to be the lady who loses a baby because she didn’t call the doctor.

 

 

 

Being Dominant/submissive is a state of mind. It is not a sex act, it is not a game, and it is not a role. It is a state of being and is totally asexual (neither male nor female)

 

First and foremost, a Dominant is always a Gentleman or Lady.

 

There is no excuse for being impolite or rude to others. Save this for the submissive that needs and requires this of their Dominant.

 

Second, a Dominant must always be in control.

 

Drugs, even alcohol, are mind and body controlling agents. They affect relationships and most importantly can affect a scene, therefore taking away the control the Dominant MUST have.

 

Third, a Dominant is always honest.

 

To lie is to show you cannot be trusted and a submissive must be able to trust you to respect you. Every submissive knows that not every Dominant is super experienced and will respect you much more if you tell the truth. Be honest with a submissive about your level of experience with others and the submissive. The submissive can even help you to gain experience and is really an enjoyable learning process. Tell the submissive up-front if You do not wish a monogamous relationship. Most submissives understand and even expect this in a Dominant. You may not get "that" submissive but you will not loose her/his respect.

 

Fourth, a Dominant accepts responsibility for all his/her actions.

 

Everyone makes mistakes. Do what is needed to make amends, and correct it. Accept and admit the fact that you messed up. To seek an excuse for something going wrong or hurting someone will cause you to lose respect.

 

Fifth, a Dominant expects but does not demand respect.

 

No Dominant demands strangers to call him/her Master/Mistress. Respect is earned over time. Demanding Master/Mistress on your name means nothing and is a word that when not earned is meaningless and makes you to others appear to be a petty childish fool. Those that know you and respect you will call you Master or Mistress when you earn it, not before. Remember, to other Dominants you are not Their Master/Mistress you are their equal do not DEMAND them too ever call You that.

 

Sixth, a Dominant knows and understands the differences between needs, desires and wants.

 

The submissive may want a 24/7 relationship with an understanding Dominant. The submissive may desire a short relationship with a crude rude person. The submissive may need a stable sharing marriage with children.

 

Duties of a DOM

 

It is the duty of a Dominant to control his/her emotions. To punish a submissive in anger or to lash out to anyone is abusive.

 

It is the duty of a Dominant to remember that submission is a gift. To misuse this gift is abusive. When the submissive is not free to take back the gift it is no longer a gift.

 

It is the duty of a Dominant to watch over and protect all submissives. This does not mean to protect them from finding some other Dominant and to keep them for oneself.

 

It is the duty of a Dominant to take only a submissive that will match him/her.

 

A submissive that is not into whips should not belong to a Dominant that loves to whip submissives.

 

It is the Duty of a Dominant to take only the amount of submissives the DOM can properly handle, control, love, comfort and care for. Do not keep a submissive hanging, giving false hopes. Free and release the submissive so the submissive can get along with finding the right Dominant.

 

It is the duty of a Dominant to watch and monitor the scene carefully and to ensure the submissive is not being harmed either physically or emotionally. At any time the slightest thing can go wrong and the scene is ruined for the submissive and pleasure becomes actual pain.

 

It is the duty of a Dominant after a scene to ensure the submissive is emotionally stable. During a scene the submissive is filled with hormones. Afterwards the body reduces them and may cause severe depression to the extent of being suicidal. The submissive must be made to understand the depression and or emotional release is normal and expected. Normal emotions will return in hours to a day. Anything longer is a sign of emotional instability in the submissive and must be corrected before doing another scene. (A Dominant can also experience this depression after a high from the scene.) Each reacts differently some stay high for weeks and when they come down seek the scene again to regain the high. This also can lead to problems such as longer, more intense and dangerous scenes, with unknown Dominants.

 

It is the duty of a Dominant to know and understand what the needs, desires and wants of a submissive are. Failure to do so may harm the submissive emotionally and mentally.

 

Responsibilities of a DOM

 

It is the responsibility of a Dominant to insure an unowned submissive is guided to a Dominant that is suited to the submissive's wants, needs and desires.

 

It is the responsibility of a Dominant to insure the submissive knows what being abusive is. To insure this is to insure the submissive knows when to call it quits.

 

It is the responsibility of a Dominant to ensure the submissive knows what the submissive's rights are.

 

It is the responsibility of a Dominant to teach the submissive information about the Lifestyle. The best method is to teach the submissive how to acquire this information and where he/she can get it. An ignorant submissive can be an embarrassment to a Dominant.

 

It is the responsibility of a Dominant to insure the submissive grows and develops under the Dominant's ownership, in both the lifestyle and the public life (i.e., job and family). Being submissive only means being a "doormat" when the submissive has made it clear that is what the submissive is looking for. 

 

Dishonorable Acts

 

For a Dominant to allow a submissive to be actually harmed in ANY way is dishonorable.

 

For a Dominant to allow a submissive's rights to be violated is dishonorable.

 

For a Dominant to play with and discard a submissive just for amusement is dishonorable (exception is a submissive that has

declared this is the treatment they need).

 

Unless the submissive has declared them selves to be unowned, another Dominant's interference in a relationship is dishonorable. To chase after or scene with Another's submissive without the other Dominant's permission and full knowledge is dishonorable. No Dominant can be expected to live up to the above 100% of the time, others will respect him/her for trying and the harder she/he tries the more respect all will have for the Dominant and his/hers.

Obedience is basically doing         what you are told to do. Interesting enough it seems to me that many take         this to mean that submissives are mindless robots who do everything they         are told, all the time, without any thought for themselves. (blind obedience)         This is not true. Being obedient, by no means, says that you can't think         for yourself, question things or have negative feelings about things.         When one speaks of obedience they do not mean blind obedience.

        

Often though, you will see people discussing obedience           and a submissive will say "I do what I am told all the time". What gets           lost in a statement like that is the length of time the relationship           has been in place, the level of trust the submissive has in the dominant,           and the similarities in the couple's desires.        

As a relationship continues and the trust grows eventually           a submissive will reach a point where they do everything they are told           without question. This comes about because the submissive knows the           dominant will probably not ask something totally outrageous of them.           The pair know each other and are comfortable with one another in that           knowledge. Often the periods of time in the beginning of a relationship           where doubts and questions were more prfor example, at a play party or other gathering, during a "formal"           period of time etc.) This is something that should be discussed before           entering into the collared relationship and falls under expectations           from the dominant.         

By submitting to someone, you are agreeing to obey that           person in the areas in which you gave them control. There must be a           balance between questions and obedience. A submissive can question an           order, but should also realize that there will be times he/she will           be told to do something they may not necessarily enjoy but that is not           against their sensibilities. Obedience is one of the reasons it is so           important to find a partner that matches you as closely as possible.           If you hate golden showers for example, and you submit to a dominant           who enjoys them but doesn't allow the submissive to set any play limits           on the relationship, you may find yourself having to submit to a golden           shower because you agreed to submit to someone that does not allow the           submissive to set limits of physical play. Having to occasionally submit           to something you do not enjoy, in no way means you must submit to something           that is totally immoral to you (like child abuse or murder). But it           does mean that the very act of submitting is not about the relationship           going your way all the time, but is about the relationship being in           the control of the dominant and the actions (scenes, sessions, behaviors)           are controlled by the dominant.         

Obedience does not mean a submissive obeys everyone,           but it is definitely a part of submission. Without obedience, there           is no submission. A submissive must learn how much obedience they are           willing to give a dominant, before they enter into a relationship. Some           people enjoy giving full obedience at all times, others prefer to be           able to set limits. Take your time and learn what  obedience counts for           to you. 

 

You have the right to be treated with respect. Not only do you

    have this right, you have the right to demand it. Being

    submissive does not make you a doormat or less of a person

    than anyone else. The word "submissive" describes your nature

    and in no way diminishes you as a human being. You have the

    right to respect yourself as well.

 

You have the right to be proud of what you are. Being a

    submissive is nothing that should ever bring you shame or

    feelings of reproach. Your submissive nature is a gift and should

    always be a source of pride and happiness.

 

You have the right to feel safe. Being a submissive should not

    make you feel afraid, insecure or threatened. Submission is not

    about living on the edge or flirting with fear. In any situation you

    should feel safe or there can never be true surrender.

 

You have the right to your emotions and feelings. Your emotions

    and feelings come from you and they are just as valid as anyone

    else's. You have a right to them. Those feelings, whether

    positive or negative, make you who you are and suppressing

    them will only bring unhappiness later.

 

You have the right to express your negative feelings. Being

    submissive does not make you an object that no longer has

    negative thoughts or concerns.Your concerns are real and you

    have every right to express them. If something doesn't feel right,

    bothers you, makes you feel bad or you just plain don't like

    something, say so. Failing to express your negative feelings

    could give the mistaken impression that you are pleased or

    satisfied with something that is not pleasurable or agreeable.

 

You have the right to say NO!. Being submissive does not take

    away your right to have dislikes or negative feelings about

    things. If something is happening or about to happen that you

    feel strongly opposed to, it's your duty to speak up. Remember,

    failing to communicate the word NO is the same as saying YES.

 

You have the right to expect happiness in life. Being submissive

    is not tantamount to being miserable, suffering or a life of

    despair. Your submission should bring you joy, peace and

    fulfillment. If it doesn't, then something is wrong.

 

You have the right to have input in a relationship. You are an

    active partner in any relationship you enter and have every right

    to contribute to it. You are submissive, not passive. A

    relationship that doesn't include your needs, thoughts, hopes

    and desires is not one you should be in to begin with. This

    applies to friendships, partnerships and D/s relationships.

 

You have the right to belong. Being submissive greatly involves

    the feeling of belonging. Many submissives have expressed that

    it was in discovering their submissive nature that they felt as

    through they "belonged" for the first time in their lives. You

    belong to the lifestyle and will eventually belong to the One. It's in

    that relationship you should find the final fulfillment of

    "belonging" at last.

 

You have the right to be loved and to love. Anyone who tells you

    that love doesn't fit into a D/s relationship has never experienced

    the fulfillment of all it truly can be. Submissives are by nature

    loving and needing of love and have every right to expect this to

    be a part of their lives. It takes love to bring your submission into

    full bloom, so don't settle for less.

 

You have the right to be healthy. Health involves your physical,

    mental and emotional well-being. Any relationship, D/s or

    otherwise, that causes you to suffer physically, mentally or

    emotionally, beyond your limits, is abuse. There is no place for

    abusive behavior in a D/s relationship and it's up to you to make

    sure those lines are not crossed.

 

Being a submissive does not give anyone the right to harm or

    injure you in any way. The D/s community will stand behind you if

    you should encounter such a situation but you are the one who

    has to make them aware before they can help.

 

You have the right to practice safe sex. Not only is this a right,

    it's a duty to yourself and others you may come into contact with

    at a later date. Sexually transmitted diseases have reached

    epidemic proportions and must be a concern to any sexually

    active person. Safe Sex is something you have the right to insist

    upon and protecting yourself should never be discouraged by

    anyone who really has your best interests at heart.

Let me start this off by saying first and foremost. You Do not use ignoring for any period of time as a punishment.

In a D/s relationship there are a multitude of ways you can as a Dom, punish your submissive. Whether they be your pet, little, sub, slave, anything. There are many many good ways you can punish them. You can do pain to a point, take away orgasm, take away their favorite junk food, you can sit them in the corner, you can make them write lines, you can do so many different things that will show them You are their Dom and they are yours. They belong to you and will know better than to disobey you.

One thing you Never ever do is ignore your submissive. If you are angry and you can’t even speak to them. It must have been pretty intense, but you tell them “Hey I need a bit of space I have to clear my head I will talk to you in a bit” That way you can go and relax and take a breather and assess the situation. You do not think “Okay I’m going to ignore her for 4 days” And Honestly in a D/s relationship. The punishment HAS to fit the crime. If my baby girl back talked I wouldn’t make her do something that has nothing to do with what she did. I had a friend who joked with her “dom” in a serious conversation. What did he do? He ignored her for 4 days. And texted her the morning on the 4th day saying her punishment was over.

I am pretty sure any real Daddys/Mommys, Dom/mes, Tops, Masters/Mistress, anyone right now who has been a Dominant is angry with that up there. He did not tell her he was going to ignore her. He simply stopped reading and replying to any message she sent him. As any of Us know. that is completely and utterly WRONG. I talked to 2 of my switch friends and they both said the same thing. This guy was no Dom he was a “dom” Playing on this submissives emotion. When I said to my friend she should tell him how she feels she replied she didn’t want to upset him and get punished more. Now..as a Daddy my little girl knows to fear when I am mad. But she knows if she has any fear what so ever, any pain, anything she is to come to me and talk to me and we will discuss anything without punishment. My rule is literally “3. Any and all concerns must be brought up, with no fear of punishment.”

Now here is why you do not use ignoring as a punishment.

It is emotionally hard on the submissive. If you don’t tell her what is going on she is wondering where you went..if you abandoned her. I know most submissives myself included are very needy. And it’s not a bad needy. It’s the need for their Dom. It’s the want to hear them and know that they are there for you 24/7. When you cut that tie as a punishment you throw up a red flag saying that you are not a dom with experience or at that moment care for your submissive.

When you ignore for an extended period of time, well even a day. You damage your relationship. You put a tear in it that maybe small at first, but it may get bigger. And it can unless you rectify what you did. As Doms we are trusted with the submission of our submissives. It is one of the best gifts anyone can receive. And ignoring them is horrible. It hurts your submissive and your relationship even if you don’t think it will.

To me I see intentional and purposeful ignoring as a form of manipulation. You know what is going on, you know you are not replying and yet you continue on with your day. Frankly I don’t understand how someone can ignore their submissive for any time period. I love talking to baby girl and when we don’t talk yes I do miss her.

Remember this to anyone new in the D/s, DD/lg, BDSM world. Ignoring is not an okay punishment. If anyone punishes you by ignoring you that is a red flag and you should walk away from them. Your submission is a gift that you can take away at any moment. You are the ones in power at the end of the day. Without you..us Doms would be pretty damn lost.

 

Please if you want add to this.