5/28/2008 4:39:01 PM

This, my first journal entry, is to address the question that many have posed to me regarding the fact that I submit to someone other than my husband, although my husband is a Dominant as well. I think my feelings on it stem from several things. The first is that I have had a history of relationships that bordered on abusive. Mostly this came as a result of the fact that I didn't realize that I was a submissive, and I often put myself in positions of placing the others' wills above mine. Of course, not understanding where I was coming from, many of my past partners took advantage of that. It created situations where I allowed my personal wants and preferences to be disregarded and I ended up feeling very taken advantage of - my fault as well as theirs, when it comes down to it. But I feel a very real need now to maintain a pretty strong sense of balance within my romantic relationship (i.e. my marriage). Another reason - and this is a bit harder to explain - is that I feel that a submissive lets down a lot of walls within a D/s relationship - she gives permission to her Dominant to treat her in ways that she would not give the average person (especially the case when one's Dominant is also a sadist). She lowers certain walls because of that, and makes herself vulnerable in ways that she wouldn't normally do with others. She does this knowing that she will be respected as a person and not mistreated.  The relationship with my Master is intense, but it is not romantic. However, the ways that I allow my Master to treat me (again, knowing he respects me as a person and an equal partner) are things that would also hurt coming from my husband. I lower a different set of walls with my husband. I think my husband and I have a very unique relationship in that we are far closer than most other married couples I know. We share everything, don't keep secrets, and are best friends. I expose my deepest thoughts and feelings to him as an equal, knowing that they are not being exposed as keys into understanding how better to control or train me, or to give him "buttons" to push to affect me strongly.  Being intentionally humiliated or objectified by someone I've chosen to submit to (and with whom I am not romantically involved) carries far different connotations from being humiliated or objectified by someone I love romantically and who I know loves me, and to whom I've exposed myself as a willing, equal partner (vs. as a willing submissive). The idea of my Master getting pleasure via degrading or humiliating me is fulfilling to me. The idea of my husband gaining pleasure through degrading or humiliating me is hurtful. And lastly, I want a sense of equality within my marriage. While I know that any healthy D/s relationship is a partnership between two equals, there is also an emotional awareness of inequality because of the way the relationship is structured. I have made an agreement to put my Master's wishes before my own, and to defer to him. My focus as a submissive is my Master's pleasure and satisfaction, and I gain fulfillment through pleasing him. I have given him permission to objectify and use me even if I might not necessarily be in the mood at that time - knowing that he respects me as a person, but that he will also work within the bounds of our agreement and, as my Dominant, has the choice whether or not to use me for his pleasure at any given moment unless it's a hard limit for me. I get fulfillment through submitting at those times even if I'm not necessarily "in the mood" - in fact, it's often a challenge for me, and I feel a sense of pride in that reaffirmation of my submission - it's easy to submit when you *want* to, but a better test of submission if you still place another's will above your own even if you're not necessarily in the mood. Within my marriage, however, I want to both logically and emotionally know that I am an equal partner with my own say. I want to know that my desires and wishes are placed on the same level of importance and priority as his. I do not want to have the expectation that I will defer to his wishes at all times - again, this probably stems from the fact that I spent a lot of time in unbalanced relationships. I want the ability to say, "hey, I'm not really necessarily in the mood for this right now, and I want this experience to be a mutual experience, so can we please wait until we will both enjoy this fully?" I think to do otherwise within my marriage would breed resentment. Another good example of this would be how I've often seen described a need, within the D/s relationship, for some sort of framework in which to sort out issues - generally this involves each party "stepping out of role" and coming together as equals to discuss or negotiate something. I've found this to be the case personally - within the D/s relationship, my mindset is always that of one focused on her Master's wishes and my priority is his happiness. In order to discuss difficult issues rationally, I need to step out of that submissive mindset and the drive to please him and make sure that in those instances I am putting my desires and wishes on an equal level with those of my Master in order to ensure that I take care of myself appropriately. This is something I do not want within my marriage. I once read a description of D/s relationships as "ritualized co-dependency." I think this is an apt description. It's a state that I highly value, and find very fulfilling, within a D/s relationship - and not one I want within my marriage. While I think that a healthy D/s relationship is a very intense and fulfilling experience, and one that fulfills a part of my core, in many ways I think a good, healthy romantic relationship without those D/s overtones has its own separate and distinct kind of intensity and fulfillment. I think to incorporate aspects of D/s into my marriage would in some respects lessen my marriage, and conversely in many ways I think to incorporate aspects of my marriage into my D/s relationship would limit that one. In any case, it would change the dynamic of each of those relationships, and that's something I don't want to do. To give it some basic imagery - the idea of sitting at my husband's feet just seems wrong to me, on many levels. I would much rather sit at his side, snuggling against him. At the same time, the idea of casually sitting at my Master's side seems wrong. I would much rather sit at his feet, leaning against his leg. This may be something that others can't understand - and this may not be right for everyone. I by no means espouse that there is one *right* way to engage in BDSM, nor is there a *right* way to structure one's D/s relationship. Everyone is individual, and everyone's relationships will be structured according to each party's own needs and preferences and kinks. It should be no other way. We can't expect cookie-cutter relationships unless we expect everyone to have cookie-cutter personalities. And isn't the basis of BDSM about the ability to explore your own deep and dark places, and to let who you are at your core shine through within a respectful and accepting community? So if you don't agree with the way I have chosen to structure my relationships, I welcome respectful disagreement with the understanding that you have not lived my life, nor walked in my shoes. If you want to understand it better, I have no problem answering questions!