littleecho

Female Submissive, 34, atlanta, Georgia

Female Submissive, 48, Seymour, Georgia

Female Submissive, 26, Anytown USA, Ohio

Is it sick that i still need you?

i got it in my head a few days ago to come on here and wish everyone a Merry Christmas, and best wishes for the new years but i then though, i don't visit here much anymore so i didn't want to be one of those profiles in the middle of the summer with some wintery greeting. So instead i will write something else.... *grins* Anyways... i am not a news watcher. i am a weather watcher. inadvertently the weather is news. Some guy climbs a hill to deliver his customers pizza in the middle of a ice storm! Now that's the guy i want. That is a man to be proud of. Are you that man? Or are you the one who ordered the pizza? If you ordered the pizza (in this case it was an older couple who was unaware of how hazardous the conditions had gotten on the hill they live on) would you invite the guy in to thaw? i have it in my head that the guy for me will measure 4 times and cut once, not just two. He would be a bit more precise and expect that in others. I don't see him as an on the fly kinda guy. More though out and precise. A man who will take himself to the doctor and dentist and doesn't need a mommy to pack his little lunch or lay his clothes out for him. i an finding that is kinda what a lot of Dominants are seeking. Someone to do the dirty work. And vice versa i see a lot of submissives wanting someone to do their dirty work. I want someone to get dirty with. Someone who will lay out a map with me, don the gear and hike up the mountain with me. There are nuances granted. this is just a big picture. i am not on often enough to paint it properly. Don't turn on your computers on the 25th. If you have to work that day, kudos to you. I do my best to not leave the house so those at work can at least sit and chat with their co-workers and get paid to make their bosses look like asses for being open that day. Take yourself to the store now and buy what you need. I know some just really have to go in, but seriously.... That is as political as i get.

I've been watching a few shows to take advantage of the free phsyciatric (sp?) care. One is hoarders. Trying to understand the reasoning of not letting something go. It's not just about physical things. I've done real well about letting go of the past. What  I have not done so well at is letting go of the future. I think I have done my best not to put to much stock in what can be.  I have really pulled myself way back over the years. Really dealing with the here and now. I have worked hard this past year as Sir instructed to "do as he says". It's not so easy when all he is doing is telling me to get out. Leave. Go away. I have let go of despair and held tight to hope. Half-heartedly praying. Sometimes full on prayers. I say repeatedly.... "things will be okay" ..."things will be good"... "give it time"... "we both are hurting"... I did cut my hair the other day. Took off about ten inches (still past my waist). I was trying to wait. I had this sick thought of one day it dragging the ground and saying... You never gave me permission. But what's the point when it looks ratted. I admit I have resorted to following certain rules I once had. Well they weren't so much rules as they were. Requests? Things that made my life more tolerable. Things that gave me comfort. Why should I avoid them just because the one I did them for doesn't get the enjoyment out of them? Maybe in his heart of hearts he is wondering if I am still am doing such. I think it would please him to know they had an effect. I think less of Sir now throughout the days, weeks and months now. He's not part of daily conversations anymore which is a great blessing. I bet his ears were buring a lot. As always I read up and I see lots of "I's". How selfish.  Times are tough right now, no nearness of terms with it. I have made great strides with "he". I almost have him believing in me. Now to just believe in myself. *note to Sir. It wasn't me that would say. Your Welcome. I didn't have the heart to tell you it was a pet peeve of mine and I have always typed You're Welcome. Being confused with someone else does hurt sometimes. It has taken me a while to be able to say that it did hurt.  It hurt. Anti-socially yours...... me

i am thankful that other girls get to write out their feelings and such. i use to have a blog and my good friend saved it all for me and sent it to me before i had to shut it down. He is such a good friend over the past three years. Yes a Dominant with a tendency for extreme violence. He has been the recipient of many pictures and videos i have made just for him over the years. actually i met him in April of 2007. i know his desires and i just can't bring myself to do the things he truly needs. i jokingly said the other day something like... With him it is a cross between MMA and BDSM. something like, with him it could be a sporting event. He has had opportunity to come to where i live before and i honestly would be to scared to meet him. Not that i don't trust him, but that i fear i would have a bruise or two. Which i bruise easy i have sadly discovered. wooden spoons are not my friend. anyways... With him i think it would be very forceful. There is nothing wrong with force. i have somehow been manipulated my whole life in some fashion. (yes i am aware of the only i can change things blah blah blah, i am the victim because i let it... blah blah blah...what was i saying? oh yeah) i somehow have been forced. i am missing that vital compass that is suppose to be instilled in me. i wonder how many more feel that loss of... not direction, but just not knowing which way is right. no.. not really which way is right... which forward path would be best. anyways.. back to the force. i tend to be (not always! as me just being here shows) obedient. i always do my best to comply, and i don't whine or cry to get my way, i just simply state why i can't do or think/feel i can't do something. During this time with this particular friendship he has never forced me to do anything. a simple request, a please, of course this came with time. and i met him NOT on collar me. and "I" approached him.. which is very out of form for me. He has always been there for me. During every up and down of my submission(s). And if i lived close to him, i think i would attempt to visit him if my circumstances were different. i think i finally realized something today during our little chat today that he is not "the" Dom for me, nor does he have the personality that makes me turn to a pile of goo. But i love and respect him non-the-less and although i know he will never read this, i want him and i guess those i can tell that even though someone may not "do it" for you, don't dismiss their possibility to be your friend. OMGooses.. back to force. i can't copy and paste that would be wrong, so anyways, this blog i read, the girl had an epiphany. and her doing so made me see something differently hmm or is that clearly. it is... i need someone who DOESN'T have to force me to do things. Someone whom i respect and cherish enough and vice verse that i do it without second thought. without question. Pushing is not forcing. If someone needs to force me to do something, if i do it out of guilt, or with resentment, or with no happy feelings, what good is it? That's no good for either. And i can't have that. and no i won't make pictures or videos for you.... :P

i have determined the word i am looking for is someone to be in charge. i spoke to a man who wanted to and i quote, start the ownership process. i think thats a bit to protcolish for me. i am not above and beyond it, but it sounds rather cold. colorless. it came along with an ultimatum... and well we know how those go... i am still flittering with the daddy thought though. *thinks* maybe i am just to damn lonely. i have been talking a lot everyday in fact to one gentleman. if i were closer in poximity... not sure why i am even on here really. or why i share my thoughts. voyeurist perhaps? look at me! look at me! one nice fellow can not spell his way out of a labrynth. mr jinn. not sure why it irks me so. maybe i want someone educated, because i want forward movement, not left or right. any ideas why i feel they are connected? let me know please. when a bass fisherman cheats by putting lead weights in a fish to try and win a tournament, doh. leisure gone bad. chickens burning!

i am getting ready to put my hair into a tight bun. You know the type. No bobby pins. i am going to put on some shorts and a t-shirt. big. comfy. i am going to take everything out of that cabinet. *points* and make it look nice. it needs it. the cabinet needs me and i need the cabinet to be orderly. i wish it was so easy to do that with my emotions. but... girls are girls and as much as i try, they really get away with me. my emotions, not girls.? i know why it is, but i hate that it is too. i think i need a girl. maybe i need a girl to be with. (as a friend!...pervert) seriously. that or a trip through time. i am thinking.... turn of the century? i would need a mind wipe of my people memories. i would like to feel happy for going back in time, but not have any of my memories. don't want to upset the time line. maybe i can be one of those little creature in the claw machine..............

i often hear [see] submissives say... i will do anything for you! but are they willing to not do as well. how much of the world are they willing to part with? dont wear make-up. dont wear dresses. dont color your hair. dont talk to strangers, dont go outside [alone]. how much of herself is the sub willing to forfeit of her life. even done willingly, the sub will indeed harbor feelings of resentment to one or more of these requests. [those not listed as well, those were examples] if your goal is to break her, make her succumb to your choices for her, you best be ready to see her regress and you best be ready to deal with her emotional well being. if she is left alone, she will seek out alternate sources of comfort. no matter how detrimental they are for her and by proxy... you. i have seen just how much woman cannot be trusted. ive heard to many tales and have seen the destruction we can cause. us girls are in fact truly wicked and will smile and blow you a kiss and stab you in the back just as quick. if we love you, we love you forever. but if we hate you too[at the same time], God bless you.

Remorse for Love. i dont seem to have remorse. i actually have an i dont care attitude. i have to figure out how #1. how to get that i care back and #2. how be be remorseful for what i did. they are obviously linked. but i cant grasp it or i am not wanting to. .....i would wager the latter.

i had formulated this idea that two heads were better than one. that a Dom/Domme couple may be best. i will leave it as an option but one i will approach with great caution.

i miss my confessions. they helped me.

i added a smile. i am serious i guess. but i don't want to not be happy. *smiles*

obsession. healthy? i don't think so. being obsessed is life draining. but how can you tell if you are obsessed or in love and just having extreme withdrawal symptoms. what can you do to calm the embers that give a caustic sting when a remembrance flickers. one can only douse things so much. hold back tears and the great lust that aches and screams for attention. that which doesn't kill you makes you stronger? hell no it makes you insane.

i changed my profile to state a bit more what i am hoping for. i thought maybe it would do two things. weed out the purely sexual seekers. maybe trigger a challenge to someone who is tired of just sex. i know it will not be easy.

yesterday i was avoided. yesterday i was not thought about. it hurt so bad. i could feel the gap wide. i could not deal with it. i actually began to get depressed and distraught. he said he was giving me a break from sex. its tough for me to realize i dont have a non-sexual identity. it has now freaked me out. all this time i did not realize how ingrained sex is in me. nnnooo.. i am not a nympho! i just have to figure out how to deal with this.

yes, you are right stranger. i owe no one explanation. i owe those i owe and no one more. no ties to those who question me. no reason to defend my... reasons. thank you for giving me strength. *curtsies*

today i want to beg. beg for your attention. beg for your closeness, your words, you. i never once begged anything from you and its something you adore. how ironic i want so badly to beg now. just to be in your presence. just to be near. just to be. i fight the ache today. the ache for you. for i will be a good girl. although it doesn't seem like it Sir i am in fact doing as you instructed. as always i am just trying to make things tolerable.

when people use the words... i think. i feel. are they truly owning what is inside of them? i though of that after i just now surfed some porn and brought myself to orgasm. i was going to say... i think that i.. and that was wrong. for i know. we all know. so stop sugar coating yourself. stop being innocent. look up innocent first though. innocent is not guilty of something. no one is accusing so stop being defensive. when i dont get mental stimulation, i resort to physical stimulation to make myself happy. no i am not looking for someone to please my cunt. i am not looking for a reason to masturbate. for crying out loud, i walk and my lips rub my clit. what the heck!? the words of a Dom keep me in check. chastity? to keep from orgasm. its that simple. the tough part is finding someone (again) who knows how to do that. im no daft being. i have tasted the stars. thats why i am here. not for the sex, but for the connection. i am molded... i am shaped... but i am far from complete.

i was going to write something prophetic here today. i was going to confess. i was going to admit my weakness, admit i a mess. but the words will not reach the One who needs to hear so on my heels i sit just for Him, my dear.

i hate it when i type a lot and hit the wrong button.

i really enjoy writing. i like to pen my thoughts. sadly i cant write them down when i am having them so what gets written here will generally be a ?second thought?. as far as my punctuation goes. it will only be present when a point is being made. or by special request. spelling is a peeve of mine. its not a big skill for me, but if there is a word i can spell and you cant???? *snickers*

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