O Master, Where Art Though?
I have been interested in this lifestyle for more than ten years now. However, I still lack understanding. I find I am always aroused by the sense of vulnerability. My vulnerability. To submit control to someone who can take charge of me, of my mind, of my body. That my body does not belong to me, but to that person. That my thoughts, my words, belong not to me, but to that person.
I don?t know how that would work. Having been afraid of taking that first step, I have no experience, despite my forays into this lifestyle for over ten years. Could you count a few online relationships that never did work out as experiences? Perhaps.
Don?t get me wrong. I am a successful woman in the Vanilla life I lead. I have control and I need control to do my work. Ahh, the irony. We are all slaves to work and money. I live in a conservative society with an equally conservative upbringing. Women in chains and shackles are frowned upon. Public exhibitionism will have you in jail in a New York minute. Public humiliation ? well, for the sake of my Vanilla status?. I daren?t go there. The alternative lifestyle is but a whisper amongst rare elite groups. Or else the butt of a joke amongst a majority of others.
I lead? perhaps, you can call a ?full? life, as full as it can get. Slowly building my little business empire. Bulldozing my way through difficult projects and clients. I am intelligent, highly opinionated, and I always ask ?Why? and ?How?, like an annoying three-year old J I keep a little sane by being a competitive athlete too. And I?m not that fast, however I am not that slow either and I think I make good time in all my races. I have a very wonderful man in what would be called a Vanilla relationship with the occasional kinks. He?s everything that is working out well for me. Is it love? It is. Would I leave him? No. Because I didn?t go into a relationship demanding for the other half to be an active lifestyler. So, it is not fair to him. How much does he know? Not much either. But enough to keep an open-mind. But this gentle soul, will never bring himself to lay a hand on me, much less spank me or whip me. He?s not Dominant either. We share a very happy Vanilla relationship.
Yet, I feel? incomplete. Could it be a false sense of being incomplete? Am I not happy? Some days, it doesn?t bother me at all. Straight Vanilla sex is awesome too. But some days, I feel a sense of yearning. Could it be that my curiosity is blanketing me on what is real and what is not? I yearn to be controlled. But have never felt how it truly is to be controlled. Would I like it? I don?t know. What if I don?t? What happens then? I am afraid.
I yearn for me to always have to seek permission for the simplest of tasks. ?May I please pee now?? ?May I please speak?? I yearn to have my mind controlled ? that the thoughts develop in my brains are not mine, but belongs to the person who owns me, and thus, I must share and if any repercussions in sharing, I will need to grin and bear it. There is no need to question if I need to share the thoughts. I just must. I yearn to have decisions made for me, simply because I do not control them, but my owner does, from ordering from a menu to what I read, to what I watch. I yearn to have my body controlled by the person who owns me. That every inch of my body does not belong to me. I am merely, a caretaker of it in between. That my hair, my eyes, my mouth to my toes, to everything in between, does not belong to me but to the person who owns me. I yearn to be used as an object of sex and all things related to sex. That my enjoyment in sex is also not something that I own, but belongs in the hands of the person who owns me. That I am made to beg, before being allowed to cum. That I am made to offer myself, even if I am not up for it. Because first and foremost, I no longer have those choices. They are made for me. I yearn to feel pain and learn that it is pleasure and that if it is gratifying for my owner, it must be gratifying for me. I yearn to be punished when I rebel, knowing truly and with true understanding that it is for my own good so I do not make the mistake again. I yearn to be punished and let myself be punished, even if it is simply for the gratification of my owner. I yearn to learn to be my owner?s object of pleasure, in every sense thinkable, achievable.
I yearn, but I am only curious. I do not know if I would enjoy it. What if the menu my Owner orders for me isn?t something that I like eating? Or can?t eat? Or what if I honestly dislike pain? After so many, so many years of living an independent life ? free of people controlling even the simplest task ? would I be able to adjust or adapt to lose that control? It is very confusing to me right now. Because, I do not understand. I do not understand how ? if at all, I am no longer able to make the decision of purchasing a book which I would like to read, how would I feel? Would I rebel? Would I ask Why? Why? Why? How would it work, when after all these long years that I have decided when I would pee (when I need to, of course), now, someone else needs to permit me to do so? Would I be angry? Knowing patience is not my virtue? What if a certain task given to me interferes with my work, which takes up a large amount of my time? Surely I would never agree to let my work suffer. My work, my business baby that I have built is part of my life, my pride.
But say, I would try. I would take the great leap forward and finally say ? I would try with all my heart, unlike my earlier premature forays with online Masters. Who? Who could break down this woman, who is strong and stubborn by nature, with stronger opinions of everything, and who does not have the luxury of time most of the time? (work, Vanilla relationship and family?.) Can I confine my journey of exploration to the world of letters, emails and online space because I cannot, and am not able to have it affect my Vanilla relationship? Is online a real option for me? How far would my journey go? How far would it take me? What is my learning curve? What possible gratification would an online relationship provide for the other person? How? How? How? So many questions?.
Yet?.. I know I seek. For I yearn.
