lionheartedgirl

How I got into all things kink

For a long time, I thought there was something deviant or perverse about me. I didn't want to 'make love' or 'have sex', I wanted to fuck. Whereas everyone else wanted to be with someone special for the first time, I wanted to have this untamed and animalistic, sweaty, lecherous romp. Claw marks down each others backs, hands at each others necks, slapping each other, him calling me a little fucking whore...I've since come to realize there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. I'm wired this way, and glad I am.

I got curious about the lifestyle very early. I finished off Anne Rice's 'Sleeping Beauty' trilogy in the 6th grade and I was hooked ever since. Who would have thought that an accidental find (my library would let me in the adult section of the library because I'm a speed reader and the children's books bored me) and misunderstanding of what the book would be about would change my entire life. After Sleeping Beauty, I happened upon the movie 'Exit To Eden' (Let me never see Rosie O'Donnell in Dominatrix gear again, please). That piqued my interest even more. I know it's not at all an accurate representation of the lifestyle, but when you're young and Real Sex on HBO gets boring, you kind of make due, haha. Yes, I'm young on paper, but I have had the fortune to experience many wonderful things both in D/s and in life that many do not get to and I am humbled and blessed by that.

To get through my teen years, I read online erotica. Literotica.com was my go to site. I kept that side of me a secret with the boyfriends I had in high school. It felt like it was too advanced for them to understand and to comprehend what kind of connection I needed, and so I faked my interactions. I was emotionally unavailable and going through the motions in my relationships. I needed to be dominated, to be connected with someone so closely. I needed a Master, someone to give me direction and purpose... I put my needs aside at the risk of being humiliated and ashamed. It felt like I was living a lie.

After High School, I attended Columbia University and while there, discovered that there was a BDSM club on campus: Conversio Virium. CV became my safe haven, the place that taught me that there ARE people who need what I need and it's not shameful, in fact it's perfectly natural. I learned ALOT at CV. A lot of people tend to shy away from fetishes they never experienced, but I learned about everything from Boot Worship to Death Play. I didn't even know the latter existed! While still going to school, out of the blue I answered an ad on Craigslist and became a "Pro-Domme" in a dungeon in Jersey City. It was the only way I could think of to see both sides of the coin, since I never had any sort of person to person BDSM experience before, and I desperately wanted to. I went to the CV meetings and BDSM workshops, and along with that and what I learned at the dungeon, honed my quoteunquote Domme skills. To any untrained eye, it would have appeared I was adapt at being a Domme, and perhaps I was, but I wanted to be on the other end of the spectrum. I envied these people who would come in, achieve subspace and get their fix. They had gotten so desperate for affection, for that need to be fufilled, that they went to me, a complete stranger, got their jollies, and went home. What happened to forming an emotional bond with someone? A deeper than love connection? A complete trust? It didn't feel right to me to masquerade as something I wasn't. Yeah, the money was great...I paid my way through school, but it felt forced and unnatural. I did enjoy being a Domme, I learned alot about Psychology and people, but at my very core, I am NOT a Domme. I am a submissive...and not just anyone's submissive...HIS submissive.

I desire my Master. I NEED Him, but He also needs me too. It's not always Him pulling me down to my knees by my hair and forcing His cock down my throat until I gag, but when it is, it's something I need. I need His touch, both gentle and forceful. I need the way He purrs 'good girl' in my ear and sends me over the edge. I need the release of being spanked so hard I cry. I need to touch the bruises He sometimes leaves to revisit the moment they were made, just as my Master needs me to submit, to trust, to be His canvas. I do get my flutters of wanting to be in control, but I want to dominate a female. There's just something so lovely about a female submitting. Not once did a female ever come through the Dungeon I worked at wanting to be dominated and i've always been curious to be with another female, so hopefully i'll find a situation on here that benefits both me and my Master and another female.

Hope you enjoyed :)

LET ME MAKE A FEW THINGS CLEAR BECAUSE MOST OF YOU FAIL TO READ MY PROFILE:

1. FIRST AND FOREMOST, I AM NOT INTERESTED IN FINDING A MALE. NO, I DO NOT WANT TO BE YOUR SLAVE OR SUB, NO, YOU MAY NOT ADDRESS ME AS SUCH. READ MY DAMN PROFILE.

2. KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS. I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOUR LAME ASS COCK.

3. I'M NOT GOING TO ADD YOU TO MY FRIENDS IF YOU CAN'T BE BOTHERED TO SEND ME A MESSAGE.

JUST BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOUR PENCILDICK OR GIVE YOU THE TIME OF DAY BECAUSE YOU CAN'T UNDERSTAND THE RUDIMENTARY ENGLISH GRAMMAR PRESENTED IN WHAT I AM LOOKING FOR DOESN'T MEAN I'M A GUY.

I ASSURE YOU, I AM VERY MUCH FEMALE.

XO.

/endrant.

Something I wrote about Him a while ago. I just wanted to share it so you can get a feel for the emotions he stirs up in me.

You are lovelier than the first rose awakening from winter's coma; unaware of the icy armageddon that has just eradicated all before you; your petals almost obscenely, vulgarly blood red against the solitary, empty, virgin-white landscape that has become my life. Sure, there are minuscule glimpses of light here and there, tiny slivers of fleeting hope amongst this endless December, but I remember vibrant seasons somewhere in the catacombs of my mind: Spring-times where I rejoiced and twirled and danced amidst the flora and fauna as the earth revitalized itself, Summers where the sun's warm embrace greeted me as I basked in it's rays, Autumns where I sipped hot cider under ancient trees that touched the earth's very core, and Winters too, but never like this. The Winters I remember in my mind's eye are ones in which I laid down upon the ground in the dead of night when all was silent and still, but I knew life still went about because I could feel it surging through my very being; billions upon billions of people living and dying in this very moment, but this particular moment belonged to me and me only-it would be gone all too soon and it would be time for others to have their moments, but for right now, this, this moment was mine. I watched as the snowflakes seemingly fell from the heavens in slow motion as if they were created only to kiss my skin. Tiny, beautiful suicide bombers; crystalline kamikazes executing some sort of holy orders from their God. It was beautiful, the kind of beautiful where you wish you had someone equally as beautiful with you to understand, because no one else would. To me, you are that type of beautiful. Otherworldly. Ethereal. I know it is a very strange way to tell you I love you, but you elicit all of these feelings in me and more. Too long have I roamed in this savage winter, alone. 'Surely, a mirage', I think, as I see your beautiful, stark crimson contrast stand out against the drab pale powdered landscape, but no, you're no visage, there you are. You, my sweet, sweet prince. With your tousled hair and gorgeous eyes. You've no idea how I have waited to escape this Winter. How endlessly, how desperately I love you. Your soul is like a mirror of my own. I search passionately through all of space and time to find the exact words to describe the feeling you give me, the feeling resonating in my very soul, burning throughout my being, but all I can offer up is an, 'I love you". That's it. No bells and whistles or grandiose displays of epic proportions. Just, a plain jane, 'I love you'. What I'm searching the cosmos to find the words to tell you is how lovely you look when the sunlight settles itself upon you through the curtains, how absolutely pulchritudinously radiant you look in the moonlight, how the soft purr of your voice when you call me kitten makes me smile and sigh so, how the sound of your heart beating is more beautiful than any song I've ever heard, how our bodies intertwine ever so perfectly...For now, an 'I love you' will have to suffice...

Edit: Sorry about the weird formatting! Collarme's blog system is not very intuitive :)

It must be very hard to harbor the feelings that accompany any part of BDSM without an outlet to express them in. A couple of the people i've spoken to on here are just getting into the lifestyle or haven't gotten to act upon their curiosities. PLEASE, PLEASE be careful. As a sub, it's so easy to get taken advantage of under the context of being in a D/s relationship. Hindsight is always 20/20. It's so hard to find someone safe, sane and consensual on that level to connect with that you can trust nowadays. Don't compromise your beliefs or limits in hopes of finding The One. They will come along, don't run into anything just because it's there. That being said, there's NOTHING wrong with you and your needs. You are perfectly normal.

Society has this standard of what love and sex should be and it's not at all accurate to the way people are in reality. We aren't meant to be monogamous beings, but we're told that there's one person we're supposed to be with forever, which leads to preemptive marriages, children born out of wedlock and boredom, and divorces. Yeah, there could be one person who is seemingly perfect for you, but when someone else shows up that also has the same, if not better qualities, there's no reason why they can't be incorporated into the relationship. Sex nowadays is so vanilla when the actual act itself is not at all. It's raw and animalistic. You're giving yourself to another person, why just stop with giving your body? Why not give your whole self, your mind, your soul, the very core of you? That's what D/s is all about. A mutual trust and need.

I am so sick of people on this site calling themselves 'Masters' when in actuality, all they want is someone to use or a quick fuck. I'm not trying to make a generalization because there are exceptions, but al lot of guys on here who are around my age are major culprits. Like I said, there are some of you who have a real vested interest in the lifestyle and more power to you, but a real Master wouldn't just send out a message like, 'Hello you worthless slut, want to be my little fuckdoll slave?' No. No I don't. You aren't worthy of calling me as such. You haven't earned that privilege. So stop acting like you're all so goddamn entitled. You're not, for the record.

Well, I am done with my soapbox rant, hope you enjoyed.

<3