Reading…

I recently bought a book called “A Witches Ten Commandments, Magical Guidelines for Everyday Life.” I bought it because it has an excellent cross comparison between the Ten Commandments found in the Bible and those teachings found within Wicca. Originally, I thought it would better help my family appreciate why I am so happy in my chosen faith. That being said, what I originally thought and that which I am now growing to appreciate are two different things.

It is odd, being Wiccan… There is a point at which you reach this threshold and fall into a pool of spirituality. For as much as you are confidant in what you know, there is always more to explore, a deeper level of appreciations… more to learn. Like the lifestyle, even those who have been around for many years can often feel like a newb. I’m having a spiritual moment rather similar to that. I mean, it is like I am rehashing things and finding out that, in second guessing myself, I find I am on the right path after all. I just never really got how very much so I was on the right path. I was just hoping I was, as it seemed the best option at that time.

*sigh* let me be more specific…

My vow of celibacy… Many people within the lifestyle think I’m nuts! Sometimes I can’t help but agree. Yet at the same time, every time I meet a Gent and He either tries to bend the rules or crosses clearly defined lines, while trying to tell me where the lines are vs. are not… It only goes to prove to me that He is not my one, for my one would respect my physical and spiritual needs…

I cannot help but note: what an impressively overwhelming percentage of lifestylers are in it for the kinky sex, regardless of what they say. Don’t get me wrong, kinky sex is fabulous… I fully and truly appreciate the draw… I’m just, at a point to where I need more.

When it comes to kinbaku-bi and you start talking about neweza… you are talking about not just power exchange but the spiritual kinetic energy exchanged. For those sensitive enough, and who are willing to open themselves at such an extremely intimate level, the connection can be overwhelming…  For me, it is more addictive than the endorphins and adrenaline one gets via SM.  (and no, sorry to disappoint, but you do not need to be naked on a bed to experience such an exchange)

And yet people wonder why I took a vow of celibacy…

There are times when I begin to second guess that decision… It is when my mind keeps going back and forth between “Pleasure is a gift meant to be shared” and “it harm none.” Granted, it is wonderful when a man chooses to use me… however, the short run is more akin to my version of being a drug user. It is great at first, then you crash... Hard! WHY? Because He took what He wanted and then left. He is not there to take care of me. It is like opening a bottle of pop, pouring one glass and then leaving the bottle open until the soda goes flat. What a waste! Who enjoys that?

That is why my three holes are closed… “ “An’ it harm none” also applies to yourself, as well.” (p.217) For as much as I enjoyed going out, trying new things, learning, growing… taking such god awful risks… On one hand, I count myself lucky to still be clean. On the other hand… how much harm did I do myself by allowing such a variety of Dominants to treat me like a convenience store? Granted, I learned more about who I am, what I like and what I am capable of in the last few years than I had in the previous decades… 

I suppose this is where my search for more… my hunger for more… has turned inwards, towards the spiritual aspects of my life. But then, I suppose it is an inevitable phase in my further growth and evolution. For just as D/s is not about sex… and M/s is more than just an exchange of authority during play… but rather life as a whole. If I’m ever to truly find someone whom I can build a lasting relationship with, I need to learn about more than just whips, floggers, rope and things that go ‘zap’

Something has been nagging on me… something that the writer in me needs to share…

A short while ago, I laid down in the afternoon to take a nap. My work schedule had messed with my sleep schedule which was throwing my whole body off kilter… so I lay down and took a nap.

At first, it was rather unsettling. I could not get comfortable. Then my dog jumped up on the bed and tried to settle in. I thought this might help. Instead, it only made it worse. See, there I was, alone, in the middle of the afternoon. It was so quiet. The added presence of my dog only made things worse because then I not only knew that I was not truly alone, but I now had him snuggling up to my back. That had to be the worst part. He only warmed part of my back between my shoulder blades. This only made me feel colder. Not that it was a cold day, it is just that I am so thin blooded that I enjoy cuddling.

Next thing I knew, I was wrapped up in three layers of blankets and quilts in an attempt to get evenly slowly getting hotter while willing my brain to believe that it was a man, and not blankets, keeping me warm.  I lay there searching my memories trying to think of who I had met that might fit me. You know, that term “spooning” comes to mind. Even celibate, I greatly miss cuddling, making out… even just smelling a man.

It hit me at class tonight. One of the people on my team for a group project is a Gent slightly older than me. At one point he turned to talk to someone else and his shoulders came just close enough to where I was leaned over that I could smell him. Wow… I had almost forgotten how good a man smells to me.

‘Tiss flustrating… as a Wiccan, I refuse to use luv spells for I know how horribly they can go awry… yet I can still sense when someone is thinking about me. I can still feel what they are thinking and feeling… on the rare occasion I have allowed others to know how I feel by returning said energy…. But energy is one thing. Being here in the flesh to actually do something as simple as really cuddle… in person… in the flesh… is a whole nother thing. That requires more than thought…. But action.

I suppose that is the biggest source of my frustration. Sometimes, the only obvious out word sign of my status… I don’t ask men out. I don’t invite them over. I don’t do a lot of things that other modern women probably do… Because I have accepted and embrace the fact that I am a follower. I am the caboose. You lead, I follow. If you don’t lead, I don’t follow… tiss simple really. I see Dominants as the Steam Engine on a train. If you stop, I have the choice of whether or not to go for a ride. I can either take the conductors hand or stay standing on the station platform. If the train goes where I am not comfortable going, I can either wait for the next station or I can pull the e-break. If I like where the train is going, I can tag along and enjoy the view…

I see it like; every train has an engine and a caboose. It reminds me of the saying, every horse deserves a rider. A sadist needs a target to play with as much as a masochist cannot be as effective at whooping their own but. If you want to enjoy a mind fuck, someone has to try to rick you / spych you out. You can’t do that to yourself as anything you plan will not be a surprise. But in all of these, someone leads while someone follows… I’m a follower. I lead my family because I have to. I do the best I can because that is the only choice I can live with.

When it comes to men… I’m standing on a platform wrapped in blankets.

      For those of you reading this... who may not have accounts on other sites, this is copied from another one of my accounts. This is being done for clarity as not everyone out there adheres to S.S.C. as strictly as i. 

      Please also keep in mind, this is written with regard to potential Dominants, not Play Partners. Play Partners i do not ‘date’ but i do still follow a similar standard of safety protocol when getting to know anyone new within the lifestyle.

        Blessed Be 

Yes, I am complex. I am intelligent, hard working, self reliant… Sometimes I feel like a bottle of lighter fluid. Sometimes I feel like a porcelain doll.

However, when it comes to the concept of potential Dominants entering my life, it has been brought to my attention that there is a need for me to practice clear and well defined communication on a couple key points. Please understand, if we have not met, there is no way this can be anything because of you, rather, if all the men I had ever met were wonderful, I would have no need for barriers and yes, I do have walls. This is my way of letting you know where the walls are (for those whom I have yet to learn to trust enough to let within the walls). Some walls are higher and closer than others (with good cause). I do not see them being there forever and all eternity, but for now they are helping me to heal.

• While un-owned, no one is to touch me in any way, other than a friendly (mutually consenting) hug or hand shake. {for those whom dare think of first and second base… you have been forewarned.}
• I do not see the line between “hanging out and getting to know friends” and “dating a potential Dominant” in any way shape or form as; blurry, hazy or fuzzy. I may be naturally submissive around my friends. That is who and what I am. That being said, I do not serve my friends! IMHO, the division between the two is more akin to the Grand Canyon! I like to know where I stand and do not appreciate it when a ‘bud’ is ‘sizing me up’.
• My checklist is private, if you feel a particular fetish is pertinent, please see my introduction. Beyond that, it will not be discussed until we have gotten to know each other “as people”. In addition, you will not have a copy of my checklist until we are discussing a contract of consideration.
• I am a highly conservative Wiccan and not only practice, but have a deep level of respect for; astrology, tarot and the gift of sight. Suffice it to say, my spirituality is very important to me. As such, I do not date those who would convert me. Rather, I dream of meeting someone who can quote Bridget Jones.
• I am drug and STD free and expect nothing less in return. I rarely partake of adult beverages. I also cannot be around cigarette smoke for health reasons… Ironically, the smell of Cigars and Pipes actually bring up fond memories for me, so minimal time around them is closely regulated.

Qualities I desire in a potential Dominant are simple; Transparency, Honestly, Integrity, Faith, Honor, Loyalty, Driven, and Creative.

Some activities I look forward to sharing with my Master would include art shows, fine dining, bike rides, hiking / swimming at the lake and poetry night.

A girl can never have too many friends. That being said, this is written for those interested in getting to know me for a potential Power Exchange relationship. In that case, I request the following protocol be followed…

You may contact me directly via e-mail where we can talk about shared interest and life goals. Do not be surprised if I ask for your birthday. Phone numbers may be exchanged upon your request when I am comfortable.

Should you be interested in meeting face to face and are not someone I have previously met, I recommend that you look at the local events in order to find a mutually agreeable time and place. I do require that it be something public where there will be several friends present. (examples; First Friday Munch, First Friday Gallery Walk or a Meet and Greet at Slick Willies)

Should there be mutual interest in a date, I will recommend that you contact one of my friends. We will drive to and from a chaperoned dinner in separate cars. (Sometimes referred to as a double or group date) It is nothing personal, just my version of baby steps.

If there is a second date, we may have dinner alone at a public restaurant, but we will drive in separate cars and there will be no sexual contact. By this time, it is highly probable that I will be open to the possibility of getting to know your personal style or preferences and as such, you may request that I wear certain attire or wear my hair in a particular way and I will take your requests into serious consideration.

Please note: There will be no play until we have thoroughly discussed my checklist on numerous occasions and even then I prefer to get to know a person’s style of play in a semi public venue. There will be no “private” play until there is a collar and contract of consideration. Said contract will include checklists, blood tests and a clause clearly stating that you will not break my vow of celibacy. Showing such incompatibility, impatience or ignorance will render the contract null and void. It is not that I do not desire physical intimacy, quite the contrary! It is that my heart cannot bear being used for one purpose. I very much so firmly believe that D/s is not about sex and am looking for someone who will appreciate sharing other aspects of my life; such as art, religion, politics...

In addition, I will not accept a life collar until my vow is fulfilled.

My vow itself is simple… yet a riddle in and of itself. All three holes are closed and will remain closed, they shall not embrace nor engulf the essence of any man… until one proves capable and worthy of feeding that which has starved the most.

I figure there will be abundant time for fun, when a Master finds me, who makes me feel safe and well cared for.

Sincerely:
360-548-645

was on the phone with a friend the other day... could not make up my mind if i should get it... how many i should get... which ones i should get... OOOO i wanted them ALL, but my budget dictated otherwise.

So i gave my friend the web site and he eventually found the correct pages and agreed... they would look sooooo good on me! And then he lit in to me, the things a girl can never say to herself. "How long has it been since you baught something for yourself?" errrrr..... "Hun, for as hard as you work, you deserve someting nice to make you smile!" uh hu...

It felt weird, purchasing something so... *sigh* so beautiful, elligant, high class, OH Goddess how long have i dreamed of owning one, or two, or three... LOL it is in my blood... and last time i had one on, it felt sooooo good!

Yet being the girl i am, i kept telling myself that if i was good, if i was patient, than i would meet a good man who would buy one for me as a reward... that a good man would want to see me in something so beautiful... that a good man would like dressing up his good girl...

*listens to the crickets chirping*

Seriously, who am i kidding? No one is buying anything for me! I'm 30 (something) and have worked so hard for so long and served men who gave me.... multiple orgasms followed by heartbreak.

Then... then i had this realization. Men see me as is... they take me for what they see... if they see a good litttle slave girl whom is comfortable scening in ber birthday suite, than that is what they see... that is all the more they want! First impressions, right? Inside, I'm so much more... it just does not show on the outside very much. (and I'm not about to wear my kimono to every dinner / class / party) So i baught them...  Three weeks for the custom order... then 5-10 bussiness days for delivery. Not sure if i'm more excited or nervous.  Can't wait to try them on... can't wait to wear them out. Am so terrible about being patient.

i had a lovely dinner with the Greywolf clan the other night and was a little taken aback when Sir Victor mentioned that he thought i had planty of Dom's that i played with. It felt foolish as i felt obliged to inform him of how many years it has been since i danced on the edge... felt the kiss of leather... enjoyed that blissfull mind numbing quiet of sub space... He kinda went quiet as he realized i was telling the truth. 

    Personally, deep inside, i can not help but wonder how it possible that he could have thought  had anyone to play with at all? 

     For 1, I'm no longer an eager newb, begging to be trained by anyone who notices that i exsist. 

    For 2, I'm wiccan. You would probably be suprised how many lifestylers are christian and seek "a God fearing woman" to serve the man as he serves the church.... *stiffles a giggle* 

    For 3, I'm mom... It no longer suprises me or dissapoints me when Dominants can't handle the fact that i have a life and it does not revolve around some strange man i have never met. Sorry, but it is true... I have priorities in my life and strangers are not real high on that list. Nothing personal.

    For 4, For some strange reason... maybe it is being spoilt by 21st century technology... not just Dom's, but rather people in general, have a tendancy to make flash decisions / judgements before bothering to realy get to know a person. I know I'm guilty of it myself, but make a consious effort to dig a little deeper, just in case... after all, this is a small community and if one is not willing to invest a little time in getting to know who is who, the pool gets rather thin and bleek REALY fast!

    For 5, has anyone bothered to look at how many Dom's are in it for the sex? You mention that your celibate and suddenly you can hear crickets chirping!

     I feel old... old school... maybe it is becouse i preffer Old Gaurd to Gor... 'tiss a wicked twist of fate... once, only once, was i so blessed as to serve a man whom apreciated that D/s is not about sex... unfortunately, at that time, i was still trying to undo some of my gorean pleasure slave training. Some of it will never go away, such is why i took the vow. I will not be taken advantage of by anyone and everyone.

     (OMG a slave with a spine, what ever shall we do? *gasp, the horror* Yes, I'm trained... and thus am a slave and not a doormat... sorry. )

     So here i am seeking friends... friends i can trust to play with... and i get breif tags from those seeking a good slave whom will _____ *sigh*

     Why? I don't want a lover... or an itching post... or someone to abuse and humilate me.. have had enough of that thank you. I just want a friend i can go to rope class with... someone to run his fingers threw my hair, run his nails down my back, drop me to my knees once in a while or tell me i'm a good girl after i cook a nice dinner. God forbid, flog the breath out of me once in a while or tie me up and swing me from the rafters when i'm so stressed i can't stop talking! Oh the blissfull silence of sub space... 'tiss too much to ask for. Even my neighbor has been honest enough to tell me that (married or not) if i were to borrow his rig and suspend myself, he could not hold back from fucking me... seriously WTF!

     So no, of course this girl does not have anyone she trusts to play with... *flops*

     Wanna talk playing with fire? I'm an extreamly physically hypersensative edge walker... and a celibate numpho! ( Lets just put a few dozen bottle rockets in the back of the car when it's 110 outside and ask who wants to light a match. )