***Please read journal!!***

Without Master, life becomes a meaningless, endless procession of days. One blurring into another, until all perception of individual days is lost. Life becomes a chore, replacing the pleasure that service used to bring with infinite sadness. No longer is anything pleasurable or fulfilling. No longer does anything have a purpose. Once again, that painful black void has been opened deep inside. Never will it diminish, let alone be vanquished.

From the outside though, all is well. Never will anyone suspect the truth, because the truth is much too painful to burden anyone with. Once again, the defensive mask appears. It hides the pain, the self-doubt, the worthlessness of the rejected slave. The slave that could have been. Perhaps, this time, that slave will be hopelessly, irretrievably lost deep within so that the incredible loss and emptiness is never again felt. Perhaps the slave will die in the deep recesses so that the mask may assume the act of being real.

There is no doubt that this won't really happen. There is no doubt that, for whatever reason, the slave will live on. There is no doubt that the slave will resurface at some point. There is no doubt that the slave will once again be hurt. There is no doubt that the slave wishes to terminate itself, to preserve itself. There is no doubt that the slave can only take so much hurt before the hurt becomes truly unbearable and the slave is forced into self preservation by destruction. When the slave has no right to be among the living, has nothing of value to offer, the slave has but one appropriate course of action. The slave can not remain to be a burden to anyone.

After all, what is a slave without a Master? No slave at all, really. What good is a slave who is no slave? None at all. What good is a slave who has internalized the idea that the slave is worthless, not even worth the air it breathes? The slave should not presume to live on this earth when it is unworthy of such life. The slave does not have the right to life once it has been deemed worthless, does it?

So that leaves the slave trying to figure out how to preserve life, how to become worthwhile, useful, and thereby attain the right to live. Such a thing does not seem possible. On the other hand, slave has not the right to terminate it's life. So slave must live on, knowing that it has no value, no use, no Master. Slave will never again have value, use or Master. If only slave could BE dead, instead of feeling dead.

By those who do not understand, slave will be considered mentally deficient. By those who understand, slave is normal. Slave needs a Master to please. Pleasing Master gives slave a sense of worth, of usefulness, of value, of satisfaction and unfathomable pleasure. Master is obeyed in all things, including valuation of slave. When Master asserts that slave is a worthwhile member of society, then slave is a worthwhile member of society. When Master asserts that slave is not worth the air it breathes, slave should not continue to consume air. The problem is that slave is not able to end life because morals are as strong as Master's assertations.

The struggle for slave is devastating because Master's assertations must be refuted or else morals must be ignored. Neither of these options are truly possible, but a choice must still be made. It is not possible to have both or neither. Resolution seems impossible. The natural response to adversity, fight or flight now must come into play. Natural human instincts dictate this. Slave will not, cannot, fight Master. Therefore slave will run; run fast and far to hide in the deepest, furthermost corner of the mind and pray to be forgotten. Incredibly sad ending for the slave, but at least slave will know that Master will at least be satisfied by the disappearance, if not actually happy.