just a quick update... i am an owned slave. i am a Daddy's girl.

all great things are simple and many can be expressed in a single word: freedom, justice, honor, duty, mercy, hope, integrity, truth, faith, trust...

   ok so i'm a brat... are you really surprised? come on, be honest. but i try to be an honest brat... more often than not... to my detriment. i'm too blunt by far... or so i've been told.. but hey... like an old russian proverb says, "it's better to be slapped with the truth than kissed with a lie"... yeah, ok, i do have a brain... bet that truly does surprise some of you... omg, she's submissive and has a functioning brain.... uh huh ... might wanna consider that before messaging... 

    on a serious note, i do tend to bail at times.. on everyone.. when something becomes too much, i tend to retreat inside myself. i've always just accepted that ppl were gone afterwards and went on about my life as best i could. one, however, that i lost in one of those retreat modes... i truly miss. my mind always goes to him when i log onto this site. he's an amazing man and his three girls are truly blessed. Master Allen... i hope you continue to have a blessed life.. and i do cherish every moment and every thing i learned from you. thank you.

     ok, so i'm sure i mentioned somewhere that i am a contradiction. if not, consider this your warning.

ok, so i just said something in email that i think i should probably post here.. that seems to happen quite frequently for me but anyway here goes... it's on the topic of all the fakes and the players... yes, there are fakes, yes, there are players... there are countless people that think with a few well-chosen keywords from a lifestyle site that they can fool people into jumping right into their bed. well, the truth is... the only ones that will fall for it.. are other fakes, other players, others truly clueless about the actual lifestyle. the ones that are honest, respectful, SANE, and truly do live this lifestyle... easily spot the others.. ok so there's my public service message of the day! if you're truly what you claim to be... hold your head high and don't get discouraged by the riff raff!

a little test i took:  You scored as a submissive: it feels good to serve. A lack of control in the bedroom can be fun and relaxing. Being with a dominant person wouldn't be a bad idea.

Submissive  100%

Masochist       86%

Experimental  79%

Bondage         64%

Degradation Lover  50%

Exhibitionist/Voyeur 21%

Sadist              14%

Vanilla              14%

Dominant            0%

Switch                  0%

*whistles innocently*

this is probably going to be a long entry, so there's your advance warning. lol. and it be a bit confusing at times, but if you know me, that's hardly surprising either. so where to begin.... the beginning, of course! a year ago, give or take a few days, i was living with my "then" Master.. and, no, i will not put his name here as he is on this site and it is no one's business, honestly. anyway, when i moved in with him, he was very involved in a local bdsm group. each month they met .. either at a restaurant or at someone's home for a "play party" as well as several members getting together outside of those times. this group also had a yahoo group where these things were usually worked out. (yes, there is a point, i promise) well, being the lil brat that i can be at times, i decided to stir things up a bit, as i hadn't really seen any "lifestyle" topics there so i posed a question... i asked everyone for their definitions.. the basics... Master/Mistress/Dominant/submissive/slave, etc. there were some interesting answers but one person posted a reply that blew me away. i was so amazed that i saved that answer and i have since shown it to dozens of people with questions.. about the lifestyle in general or about themselves. i started talking to him.. the author.. on yahoo. he quickly became one of those important people to me. i respected him highly. he had more knowledge than i'd found in anyone in a long time. my respect for him grew more with each conversation... as did my trust. he helped me make some hard decisions... without even knowing he was doing so.. he made me face some things that i'd been avoiding.. without even knowing. just by being him. some things happened.. again, i will not go into detail as it is no one's business, but i left there. the relationship ended. i lost contact with that brilliant, kind, considerate, caring man in that move away from the area. i rarely come onto cm anymore. i never have with any regularity anyway, but it has been several months this time between visits and i blame my best friend for my reappearance now. (another story i won't bore you with.. or confuse you with lol) so, a few nights ago, i was on here and checking messages, and touching base with a couple friends that i only know from here, hitting the home button to refresh the page etc. when i see his name. i was literally shaking and in tears.. i wasn't totally sure it was him.. i know i rambled and babbled in my message to him. i enclosed part of his "definitions" to see if it was indeed the same one. it was. and my tears flowed even more. i told him finally that i was crying and his reply was "no need to cry.. i am here" which, of course, made me cry harder.. and laugh at the same time. i had wrapped a cold, thick shell around myself in the last year, keeping people at a safe distance. that cold, thick shell evaporated more with each word from him. there are so many things that he is responsible for that he has no clue about. i have so many things to thank him for.. countless things honestly, if you consider the snowball effect each decision ultimately has. i was sitting there then, as i have several times since, wondering what in the world i did to deserve to have this man even speak to me, much less go to the lengths that he has to help me. i may never know the answer to those questions .. other than the obvious... it is who he is. i wouldn't let myself entertain the thought of being his. he is so much more than i'll ever be capable of being. and yet, he asked if i would consider being his... my heart stopped when i saw that. my reply was simple.. i would be honored to even be considered to becoming yours. who is he? Master Allen, of course! i could serve him for a dozen lifetimes and it would never be enough. my search was over a year ago, but i didn't know it at the time. i know it now and i'll know it tomorrow and all of the tomorrows to come. i could never do enough for this wonderful man that i hope to someday be able to call Master instead of Sir... (Sir just seems to be an insult to him).. as i said... a dozen lifetimes will never be enough.

i was reminded that i haven't written anything in here for a while... so here goes... i've been doing a lot of thinking for a while... trying to answer personal questions... for no one other than myself... i got some help from a wonderfully amazing Master on one that was especially difficult for me to answer and a lot of help from a website... uh huh i can see you shaking your head, but it is one helluva site and i invite you to read it as well... http://www.submissiveguide.com/ maybe you'll find something in there that'll help you as well.

lord a lot has changed in the last couple months... what i thought was heaven was an illusion.. and an illusion that is taking some time to recover from. guess it's just another in life's lil lessons. i wonder some days what i'm doing. why am i still trying? should i just walk away from this lifestyle? and then, i remember the words of my Mentor "how can you walk away from yourself?" He's gone now, but His words will always guide me. Smart Man, Sir Ken... taught me a lot and is still teaching me. i wonder if there will ever come a day when i can't gather new insight into something He said to me .. then i stop, and smile, and pray that that day never comes. So here's to You, Sir Ken.. i am not running from me any longer and i hope that wherever You are, that You have a big smile on Your face.

first... thank you Acer... here are the lyrics to one of the best "military" songs i've ever found and once again.. the link for the video.. an amazing song by an amazing youth.

"Soldier"   by Shawn Hlookoff

Some people say, I'm a fighter
Some people hate what I do
But I stand for my country
I stand for you
I've got a family that loves me
They respect what I do
And Try telling your child you're leaving
Believe me it's a hard thing to do
So, If I die don't judge me
Cause I would not judge you
And If I die, please accept it
Cause I would die for you
We have our reasons,
Rules, morals and beliefs
I won't slander your opinion
I'm just searching for peace
So, If I die don't judge me
Cause, I will not judge you
And If I die, please accept it
Cause, I would die for you
I would die for you.

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=5774060

once again i find myself telling someone in a message things that i feel should be posted here for all to see. so, amended a bit, here is something that i feel the most strongly about... these are MY personal feelings.. i am not asking anyone to agree with me, but they are my feelings and i do expect the same respect for my feelings and views that i would give yours...

i have very strong feelings for the military. i was in the navy during desert storm. i am a 60% disabled veteran of that war. my little brother was in the air force during desert storm. my little sister just got out of the army. my father was a ranger in vietnam. my grandfather was a pow in ww2 for 13 months. 3 generations of war vets in my immediate family.

on this war... if we were not fighting it there, we would be fighting it here.. at home. have you forgotten 911? or maybe you haven't noticed that there have been no attacks here since we went there. we fight them in their home.. not ours. i much prefer it that way. it is far safer for my children and my grandchildren. most think it is not our concern.. however, as i've already stated, i'd rather it be fought there than here and it will be a battle that we fight.. our only choice is where. i can only speak for myself but to me, there is no greater thank you than being able to see my granddaughter's smile and know that she is safe. i would go over there again, with no hesitation even knowing what would happen to me. it is something i am proud of. i did my duty, i fought for this country... for my family, for yours, for everyone else's so that the majority do not have to know those horrors. there is a song i'd really like everyone to hear... the video is on my myspace page... www.myspace.com/djlilbrat it is on the right side and named "soldier" by shawn hlookoff, an amazing artist and very insightful. he wrote it at the age of 19. that one song says more than any other i've ever heard. please go watch the video and listen to the words.

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=5774060  is the direct link to it

i love ppl, i love to talk to ppl, i love to hear differing viewpoints. i love to debate. it is another side of me that i've waited far too long to reveal so i figured it was time. i thought i'd start with a favorite quote of mine .. with an additional comment..  and just see...

"it's not my body that makes me submissive - it's my soul.  touch my mind, touch my soul, hold my heart, use my body"  that's the quote... and now what i don't usually add to that... "if you cannot touch my mind and touch my soul, you have no chance of holding my heart or using my body"

ok i took some time away from here and guess what.. i return to the same idiocy.. from "write NOW and submit" to "hello" followed by "do you like the beach" followed immediately by "i'm going at noon, message me and go with me" ... come on ppl!!! have ya never heard of safe calls? the creed is safe, SANE, and consensual! i am submissive but i do have a brain.. i promise! let's save us both some time here.. if all you want is instant submission (doesn't exist btw) or instant sex (NEWS FLASH1 sex is not ALL that this lifestyle is about!)... don't even waste your time messaging me.. you might get your feelings hurt...

well, i'd hesitated ever starting a journal here. to be quite honest, i didn't feel the need as most of the ones i'd met on here were not ones that i'd really like to share my thoughts with... there have been some pretty disturbing messages to say the least. however, that changed today, when i found out that there are true people still in this world and some are on here. wow, what a start this day is having!